BDSM big bang 2012 (NCIS entry)
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CHAPTER ONE; A wandering eye and a heaviness in my head
“You'll do.”
The words still echoed around in Tony's head even after three hours of intense bondage. It was like he had to try twice as hard to switch off now that he was in-command, now that he was the one who had to be responsible and make the rough calls. Well, that was what Tony wanted to believe. The truth was so much simpler, but the complexities it contained spoke of intimacies and issues that Tony wanted buried deep down inside him never to wound him again. Never to leave him vulnerable, or alone.
“Count for me,” a voice whispered next to his ear, the moist hot breath of his play partner sending chills down his spine. Unfortunately they were the wrong kind of chills. No lust stirred him, no serenity overcame him. Tony knew he should safe word out of the scene because if nothing had done it for him yet then a sound beating wasn't likely to get him off either. But there was another reason to stay. Another reason to endure the pain this would no doubt involve. Pain was a punishment, and right now he felt like there was no one else in the world who deserved to be punished more than he did.
“One,” he jerked with the force of the shop brought wooden paddle as it impacted his naked ass.
He hadn't been worthy of a collar.
“Two,” he hissed out. The paddle had landed in the exact same area and his ass heated up.
He hadn't been worth remembering.
“Three,” he gritted his teeth. He had endured far worse before, still today every smack of the implement seemed so much worse than it ever had in the past, and with it the emptiness inside only grew.
He hadn't been worth saying goodbye to properly.
“Four,” he ground out after he panted for breath, his mouth dry as a bone now and his body slick with sweat.
He hadn't been worth anything to the one person he had chosen to trust. It hurt far more than a beating with a wooden paddle ever could.
“Fi-” the sound of his ring tone seemed ridiculously loud in the empty play room and any sense of being in-scene ended with the unexpected interruption.
“Red,” Tony huffed out and his partner untied him quickly and handed him an unopened bottle of water to rehydrate with. “This is DiNozzo,” he said into his cell as the other man rubbed down his own body with a towel and retreated to the adjacent showers. It was a pity the scene had ended so soon, the guy had had a truly spectacular ass, although on reflection perhaps it was a good thing since Tony hadn't been able to find the interest to even pretend to be having a good time.
“We've got a dead body. I'll text you the address. Gibbs wants you there in twenty minutes,” Tim said without a greeting, letting him know it was all business.
Gibbs wanted him there but hadn't been bothered to call himself? Well, that said it all, didn't it. “Sure thing, McFavourite,” Tony bit out bitterly and ended the call. He instantly regretted taking out his fowl mood on the junior agent and knew he'd make an effort to let McGee know he wasn't pissed at him. He'd spent so much energy trying to hide how he felt ever since Gibbs got hurt in that explosion, and ever since the world kept making it harder, kept delivering harder blows than he could deal with. Gibbs' memory loss, then abandoning them for Mexico and Franks, Ziva's lack of trust and Probie's lack of faith in him, Gibbs' subsequent return and lack of acknowledgement, and now being busted back down a rank without pause or appreciation. Hell, life had been tough enough beforehand what with recovering from the plague, then losing Kate and having to get used to Ziva on the team but at least he'd had Gibbs back then. In Tony's opinion it was a pity he couldn't safe word out of life.
Speaking of life... Tony took a moment to appreciate the awkwardness of the situation then decided a note would suffice. “Work called, sorry gotta go, T”. Anonymity had flown out of the window thanks to his own rather abrupt return to the scene a few months ago, most people at the club he frequented knew his name and those who didn't weren't worth talking to. Once upon a time Tony had been a rookie on the BDSM scene, who had followed around a beautiful woman from city to city ftrust and Probie's lack of faith in him, Gibbs' subsequent return and lack of acknowledgement, and now being busted back down a rank without pause or appreciation. Hell, life had been tough enough beforehand what with recovering from the plague, then losing Kate and having to get used to Ziva on the team but at least he'd had Gibbs back then. In Tony&rom club to club, and while while she had taught him many things about himself she had also taught him the value of trust and how easy it was to abuse. Their dynamics hadn't matched, and he'd been too in love and too naïve to let her know that she was going past his limits emotionally as well as physically. Tony had been damaged when he'd emerged from his relationship with her, and for a while he had retreated from the BDSM scene equating all the pain and sorrow caused by that relationship with the scene. It hadn't been until Gibbs had taken him on as a Submissive that Tony had learnt what true Submission was and how it benefited his Dom to give it. For the three years they had been together Tony had felt more love and more contentment than ever before in his life, but still he had never asked Gibbs to collar him. Maybe if he had, if he'd trusted Gibbs that little bit further, then he wouldn't have been so forgettable. So unworthy.
He let go of his thoughts upon arriving at the crime scene and put on the face that people both loathed and yet longed to see, the happy-go-lucky DiNozzo exterior of charm and unnecessary movie references. If Tony was laughing then everything must be okay, right? Even McGee, who had known Tony since the start of his relationship with Gibbs, was fooled by the mask.
“Let me guess, petty officer?” Tony asked and Ziva filled him in on the details. Just another day in the life of Anthony DiNozzo junior, federal agent with NCIS and consummate screw up.
~NCIS~
Gibbs had been back a few weeks and gone a few weeks but it seemed to him that both experiences had been longer. He knew his job like the back of his hand and it felt like coming home to go back to it, even if his home was an exhausting, frustrating place where even his best wasn't always good enough to save peoples lives. Truthfully he wasn't ready for retirement, didn't know how to relax or let go and he'd been driving Franks crazy for months with his inability to take siestas. However, it might feel like home, but he still had problems remembering the past few years since Shannon and Kelly were killed.
Snippets of memories tormented him while he slept, illusive and unattainable. When he tried to consciously grasp at them, tried to force them to become solid, they faded away into the recesses of his mind. Gibbs was no stranger to patience, he had been a Marine sniper after all, but there was something infinitely frustrating about being the only one who didn't know. He lacked memories of the past few years, most of them were there now, recovered and intact. He recalled Kate's smile, the blood splattered across Tony's face when Ari shot her, he remembered Ziva, in his basement assuring him that she didn't know of her brother's betrayal, that she was hurting too. He had comforted her, and ever since seen her like a daughter, just like Abby, who was so fiercely independent and yet beautifully needy. She needed her family, her friends, her co-workers, and she needed them to be happy. It was an innocent request, one which Gibbs wanted to protect her from because it wouldn't come true. Happiness was, it seemed, just as illusive as the memories that escaped him.
Tony was a source of many of the blocks. He didn't remember how they met, whereas meeting Ducky was engraved in his mind as if it had been yesterday. He knows how he feels about the man, though. Emotionally he was as he was before, even if his grief over Shannon and Kelly's premature and tragic demise had overwhelmed him at first. Once again he had pushed it aside, used it to get the job done. He had to protect all those little girls and loyal wives, he had to protect all those men from feeling what he had felt.
He loved Tony.
It had shocked the hell out of him at first. He was grieving for his wife and beautiful baby girl and then this man, a man who's name he couldn't remember, appeared before him with fear and concern in his jade green eyes and he'd been punched in the gut by how attracted to him he was. In that instant Gibbs had known they had fucked, and not just once.
It wasn't enough, that feeling, to keep him at NCIS. Too much pain, too much sorrow and Gibbs had only feared he'd bring his own issues down on the pretty younger man. Leaving had been the easiest option. The best option.
For Gibbs.
Now he was back and he could see the mistake he had made, but couldn't bring himself to regret it completely. Now he had something tangible to pull him through. He hadn't been able to sleep, like normal, and without carpentry to soothe his tormented mind he'd wondered around his house like a stranger, touching things that called out to him; a vase that had once belonged to his mother, a knife that Franks had given him before his retirement, a bottle of liquor in a fancy decanter that had been brought for him by Tom Morrow when he'd been promoted. Then he'd seen a DVD under the sofa. Gibbs didn't own any DVDs, or a DVD player. Ergo there had once been the technology to play them and thus the presence of DVDs in his house. Gone now, as if they had never been there. His gut told him that it belonged to Tony, and further searching led him to an unfamiliar brand of shaving lotion abandoned in the spare bathroom, a t-shirt hidden at the bottom of his drawers that was soft and stylish enough to belong to someone who cared a great deal more about personal appearance than Gibbs did. He picked it up and brought it to his face, breathing in the familiar aroma of Tony.
Suddenly it was like there was the smell of sweat and cologne, the sound of panted breaths and almost inaudible groans. Lust stirred in Gibbs groin and he sat down on the bed as the memory dissipated slowly. He needed to have a conversation with one Anthony DiNozzo junior, fast. Maybe then they could clear up some of the tension at work that was so obviously affecting the entire team, not just Gibbs or Tony.
~NCIS~
Gibbs didn't get a chance to talk to him for a few more weeks, but when the conversation did occur it was already too late for polite enqueries into the past nature of their relationship. The situation with the team had just gotten worse to the point where everyone was snapping at each other, blame was being appointed for minor screw-ups or routine blips in the case. Tim had taken to hiding in Abby's lab and even Ducky seemed to have run out of patience with the team. Things had gone too far and a large amount of the blame coy it was like there was the smell of sweat and cologne, the sound of panted breaths and almost inaudible groans. Lust stirred in Gibbs groin and he sat down on the bed as the memory dissipated slowly. He needed to have a conversation with one Anthony DiNozzo junior, fast. Maybe then they could clear up some of the tension at work that was so obviously affecting the entire team, not just Gibbs or Tony.
~NCIS~
Gibbs didn't get a chance to talk to him for a few more weeks, but when the conversation did occur it was already too late for polite enqueries into the past nature of their relationship. The situation with the team had just gotten worse to the point where everyone was snapping at each other, blame was being appointed for minor screw-ups or routine blips in the case. Tim had taken to hiding in Abby's lab and even Ducky seemed to have run out of patuld be laid at Gibbs' feet for not sorting this issue out sooner. They needed to clear the air, and it wasn't going to be pretty. Gibbs waited until Tony was alone, which was far too easy. His team used to gravitate towards each other but now they seemed to be like magnets repelling one another to such an extent that it was a real effort to get them in the same place for debriefings. Ziva had volunteered to go up to autopsy to see if Ducky could shed any light on the case and McGee had yet to return from Abby's lab where he was running a programme on the victim's computer in order to determine the source of a computer virus that had wiped the hard-drive. Which left Tony, who under the intense silence of the bullpen had cracked and offered to go for coffee. Gibbs had agreed while faking disinterest and then tailed him into the elevator. Ignoring Tony's look of surprise he waited until the doors closed and then stabbed the 'stop' button, creating the perfect environment to confront Tony about their past.
“I think we need to talk, DiNozzo,” he opened with.
“And we couldn't have done so in the bullpen?” Tony was suspicious and edgy.
“It isn't about the case, Tony.”
Tony's jaw tightened and he found a corner of the elevator to stare at in order to avoid his boss's gaze. “Is that what we should be focusing on, the case? I don't see how anything else is relevant or urgent-”
“Why didn't you tell me we used to be involved, DiNozzo,” Gibbs cut his agent off, not wanting Tony to ramble on when they'd only have a certain amount of time before the elevator would be in use again. “Everyone was keen enough to let me know that I'd had liaisons with Jenny in the past, and that Kate died, why keep this from me?” He added demandingly.
“Involved? You're just my boss, I don't-”
“Tony,” Gibbs stopped him from uttering the words they both knew to be lies. “I was always going to remember eventually.”
“Were you? Maybe you wanted to forget,” Tony suggested with a bite, his eyes spitting green fire at his boss even as he kept his body language from reflecting his temptation to run away from yet another difficult conversations. “I know that isn't the answer you want, and I know that on some level it doesn't even make sense, after all you didn't choose to forget us, it just happened, but I never said I made sense and I sure as hell never promised to be the rational one in all of this,” he added. Gibbs was supposed to be the rational one, the one who made everything better with just a touch, just a look. He was supposed to be the one that Tony counted on for everything, guidance, affection, and support. Maybe that was too much to expect of one man, but before the accident Tony had really believed his boss was capable of filling all those roles for him. Boss, friend, lover. Now he was barely even his boss.
“I didn't choose to forget, and even if there was a reason that my mind found it easier to repress memories of our time together, you still should have told me. It was a part of my life,” Gibbs told him, sounding almost angry now.
Tony looked away. “Was. Right.” He said quietly and pressed the button to restart the elevator. “I guess there was a reason I never got an invite to move in after all,” he said, and forced himself to leave the elevator walking away from Gibbs, who just stared at him with cloudy blue eyes and a puzzled expression.
Had there been a reason? Gibbs would never know, unless he remembered everything. It told him more than he had known before, about how invt of one man, but before the accident Tony had really believed his boss was capable of filling all those roles for him. Boss, friend, lover. Now he was bar