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CHAPTER TWO; The kindest of kisses breaks the hardest of hearts
On Monday Tony arrived at work on time. He was wearing respectably clothing, of course, and was stone cold sober, unfortunately. He hadn't opened his mouth to complain or crack a childish joke since he arrived and was in fit condition. Mostly. Yet still he had managed to earn the cold shoulder from the boss man. Gibbs hadn't looked at him except to glare since he arrived, he barked his orders and gave Tony all the worst jobs, like paperwork, literal paper work involving numerous files each with thousands of words printed in size ten font. It was ridiculous, and insulting. Gibbs hadn't been known to hold a grudge in the past, not unless it was a deserving one like hating the FBI (understandable) or mistrusting Mossad (sensible) or whatever weird tension he had with Jenny (best not to go there, really). Okay, so maybe he was the grudge holding type, but Tony never thought he would be unfair.
And really, making Tony do eight hours worth of paper work in two hours was the meaning of the word 'unfair'.
“Why am I being punished?” Tony asked, exasperated and frustrated after the third paper cut of the day.
Gibbs glowered.
“No seriously, what have I done this time to earn the wrath of Gibbs?” He asked.
“The mens room, now,” Gibbs practically whispered the words but they were more threatening than a shout.
Tony watched as Gibbs stormed off in the direction of the mens room. He waited the prerequisite three and a half minutes before following, knowing that by that point Gibbs would have emptied the stalls with his mere presence and they'd be safe to have a private conversation there.
This wasn't necessarily a good thing.
In fact, considering the conversations they'd had lately, Tony was positive this wasn't going to end well. For Tony at least.
Still, what could he do but follow?
Once in the mens room, he found himself manhandled until he was facing the locked door, his jacket somehow on the floor and his shirt pulled up to expose his back.
“What the hell are these?” Gibbs hissed, pressing his chest to Tony's tender back.
He hissed. The bruises and whip lashes still sore as hell after a weekend 'playing'.
“None of your business!” Tony barked back, bucking to get away from his boss's hold. Of course he didn't get released, in fact all he did was make the marks burn with a pain that boarded on pleasure.
“Anything that effects your ability to do your job is my business, DiNozzo. You're a liability in the field. A risk. And that is why you're riding a desk for the rest of the week!”
Tony caught his breath and barked out a laugh. Gibbs let him loose and he pushed away from his boss, letting the space grow between them until Tony was on the other side of the small room.
“You really think this is about work? The Gibbs I know would never deal with a work situation like this, blurring the lines. You're unconventional but not like this. So what is this really about? Is it because I let someone whip me? Or is it because I enjoyed it?” Tony taunted his boss.
“I'm not a god damned hypocrite, Tony!” Gibbs hissed. He may have forgotten many things about their relationship, but this definitely confirmed that the graphic dreams of him flogging Tony to the point of orgasm had been a reality and not just a fantasy borne out of frustration with his antagonising agent.
“So not the latter... I don't know, maybe it's because that someone wasn't you. Is that it? Are you jealous?”
Gibbs looked away from him. “Maybe I'm just disappointed that you're throwing yourself around like a cheep whore. It doesn't even mean anything to you any more, it's just stress relief.”
Tony felt cold all over as he watched Gibbs vacate the room. After his boss was gone, he locked the door again and sat down on the floor. Everything was such a mess. Up was down and down was up. Every time either one of them brought up their past relationship it just ended up hurting even worse. Tony should be glad that Gibbs remembered enough to know that they'd had a relationship involving the BDSM dynamic but instead he was just felt like he'd disappointed the one person in the world who's opinion actually mattered to him. The one person who was supposed to understand what made Tony tick had just called him on it, and the situation felt more hopeless than ever before.
Tony returned to paperwork for the rest of the week without argument, and next weekend he decided he would skip the club scene.
~NCIS~
Gibbs' memory returned, his life for the past ten years becoming clearer and clearer to him the more he lived it. Hiding away in Mexico had given him time to recuperate but he hadn't been able to stimulate his memories while he'd been there. Now that he was back home and every day things were getting clearer and clearer. He recalled Abby's last birthday, the decision he's made to promote Tim onto his team and have him work under Tony, he understood all the reasons that he and Jenny failed to make a lasting connection and why she resented him because of it, and more than anything he was now haunted by every touch, every whisper, every moment that his life had been filled with Tony DiNozzo. It only made his house seem all the more emptier for the lack of him. Shannon and Kelly had been gone a long time and while his heart had forgotten that for a while his head had known it, however both his heart and his head were in agreement that Tony's absence was recent enough for him to be aware of the void he had filled which was growing bigger every day.
He suspected that Tony felt the same way which was why Tony was so miserable. After a particularly gruelling case with just Tony and Gibbs left at the office until late, Gibbs offered to give his senior agent a lift home. The paperwork wasn't finished and they both had bruises that hadn't even had time to colour their skin but enough was enough. Some days you just had to focus on the win and get some rest before it all happened all over again the next day.
“Get some sleep, DiNozzo,” Gibbs ordered him warily as he parked outside of Tony's apartment complex.
Tony hesitated to get out, and instead sat back in his seat and stared in front of him looking defeated and exhausted. “I haven't slept a full night since you left,” he admitted.
Gibbs was shocked and pleased that Tony had opened up to him. It was the first time since he'd lost him memory that Tony had shared an intimate detail with him and he felt like finally they were taking a step forwards. “I never intended to abandon you,” he said gruffly.
“Rationally I know that. At night it's all I can think about.”
“You don't have to be alone, Tony. I'm right here.”
“But you weren't,” Tony pointed out.
Gibbs didn't know how to say sorry any more. He was so sorry about so many things, and he knew how little the word meant. The rule about never saying sorry wasn't just about it being a sign of weakness, although that was a good business rule, however on a more personal note he thought that saying sorry was worthless. You had to show people you were sorry. Actions spoke louder than words, and the only action he could come up with that he hadn't already tried was passion.
Gibbs leaned over and kissed Tony with all his sorrow, pent up rage, sense of loss and festering frustration. He kissed him like he meant it on every level. “Come home with me,” he said, gasping for breath when he released Tony.
Confusion and lust clouded Tony's beautiful eyes as he blinked at him. “That isn't a good idea,” he muttered, thinking about all the arguments that they'd been having since Gibbs returned. They just couldn't seem to work things out and it was making Tony think that maybe he should have taken Jenny up on her offer of heading up a team in Spain. Sun, sea, sand and a fresh start didn't seem so bad ow. When he'd said no he had still been clinging on pathetically to the idea that Gibbs' remembering everything would somehow fix it all. He realised now that the problem hadn't been that he couldn't remember, it was that Tony couldn't forgive him for forgetting in the first place.
“We've slept together a hundred times, Tony. We don't have to have sex, but we'll both sleep better with you by my side. I still think of you as my submissive, and I hate that you won't let me take care of you any more,” Gibbs admitted.
“I wasn't your sub, Gibbs, I was just a sex toy,” Tony spat back at him angrily, rearing away from the intimacy of the situation.
“What the hell gave you that idea?” Gibbs asked, just as angry and more confused. He had to admit, even to himself, that he had probably never put as much effort into a relationship as he had with the one between himself and Tony. With Shannon things had seemed effortless, although perhaps that was more of a case of looking back with rose tinted glasses remembering more than anything how much he had loved her and had been loved in return. With his ex wives... well, he'd never tried to give them what they needed because he hadn't been able to get what he needed from them. The relationships had failed and that had suited him, it had given him a reason to be alone, to be angry and silent. But Tony wasn't his ex wife, in fact, Gibbs was damn sure Tony wasn't his ex anything because he was going to make Tony realise that coming back to whatever kind of relationship they had shared before was the only outcome of their recent struggles.
“You never gave me a collar,” Tony said, regretting it instantly but unable to take back the words. His impulsiveness had revealed how deep the hurt went. It told Gibbs that Tony had been insecure, unhappy and uncertain before the accident. No doubt Gibbs' inability to recall details of the lief he had shared with Tony only cemented these feelings, but it said a lot that they were never addressed to start with.
“You never demanded one, Tony. I would have given you one if you'd have demanded it, then I'd have known you were ready,” Gibbs told him. Maybe he didn't remember everything, but he knew the way his mind worked and how his heart felt.
Tony snorted, looking more hurt than ever. “You were waiting for me to ask for a collar? For me to ask for something that would have symbolised that I was worth something permanent and lasting? Do you even know me at all?”
“I wasn't going to give you something you weren't ready for, DiNozzo, and if you really believed you were ready you would have found some way to let me know,” Gibbs said firmly.
Tony didn't have a reply for that. He sighed, so tired. It looked like this conversation had gone just as bad as all the others had. Without saying goodbye he opened the door and went into his apartment, noticing that Gibbs didn't drive away until after the light went on. He was making sure that Tony got in okay, even after Tony had made it seem like he didn't want Gibbs to take care of him any more. Which was a lie. Until tonight Tony hadn't even been sure that Gibbs wanted Tony back at all let alone as his submissive. It was too much to take in.
He went to sleep with the taste of Gibbs on his tongue, and for the first time since Gibbs left he slept through the night without sleeping pills or a sound beating. Perhaps it was a sign that it was time to let go of his resentment and try to make things work with Gibbs again? Or it could just be that Tony was so emotionally exhausted that even the nightmares couldn't stop him from sleeping.
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