Lover Dearest 1/20
Lover Dearest
Prologue
The world was nothing more than a silent, black and white film.
There was no grey. No midtones. No in-between. Just the startling contrast of luminosity and darkness; the delicate play of light and shadow. From my point of view in the obscure spot by the gym doors, everything looked disquietingly clear and sharp.
I could see everyone from where I stood: the toga-clad graduates, my classmates, arranged in the descending order of the alphabet. I could see the faculty, all looking sharp in their monkey suits and dresses, chatting amongst themselves, trading secrets collected from yet another year completed. I could see the families, the parents, the guests, all here to celebrate the end of one chapter of their children's lives, and the exciting transition to the next.
My eyes lifted from ground level up to the makeshift stage, a banner draped across: William McKinley High's 78th Commencement Exercises.
Graduation. My graduation. Our graduation. Their graduation.
Principal Figgins didn't waste time approaching the microphone to announce the start of the ceremony. But I heard nothing of what he said. All I could see was his mouth moving as words formed over his tongue and escaped through his lips. It didn't matter though. Nothing anyone said really mattered much anymore, as long as they weren't her.
The guest speaker gave a five-minute speech that was probably filled with severe misquotations, one that also probably failed to inspire anyone in the crowd. I don't know, my mind was shut off so I was immune to everything he said. I didn't care enough to listen.
I tried scanning the crowd to get a glimpse of her, but there were too many students obscuring my limited view. Pissed that I wouldn't be able to see her until she walked across the stage, I settled in to observe the rest of the event in silent agony.
After what seemed like a lifetime, during which I did nothing but hunch over and stare blankly into space, the graduates began to march across the stage to get their diplomas. My spine straightened when I say Blaine walk across the stage, beaming in his signature positive manner. When he got his diploma and waved it in the air, I saw Kurt grinning proudly. Rachel was difficult to miss, she leaped across the stage and practically threw herself at the diploma. I heard she was prepared to move to New York with Kurt and Blaine, where the trio would attend Columbia University in the fall. Chang came soon after, smiling broadly when his diploma was handed to him. Q accepted her diploma, her pink hair fading back into their natural golden shade. She was wearing that silent, regal smile she wore when she felt truly proud about something. I decided to clap for her; after all, if anyone deserved my admiration, it was her. Finn looked incredibly large when he got his diploma, smiling good-naturedly in that Finn-esque manner no one could imitate; it was annoyingly cute and adorable. Kurt moved with incredible poise, and from where I stood I could see the sincere joy in his eyes, armed with the knowledge that he finally made it through high school.
Pretty soon, it was her turn to get her diploma. When she came into my field of vision, it was like coming to life again: everything near her seemed to gradually regain color. Sound began to penetrate my dull mind, and I could hear when Figgins called out, "And your class president… Brittany Pierce!"
She bounded across the stage like a graceful panther, the graduates leaping to their feet to clap and whistle. I couldn't help it, I smiled and clapped as loud as I could, too. She smiled at the room then, getting her diploma and bowing at us. I could see her saying thank you, thank you, over and over, her face glowing with pride.
I felt pride, too, so much I almost couldn't contain it. She graduated. She made it.
Tears pricked my eyes, but I blinked them away rapidly. When she got off the stage I was reduced back to my earlier lifeless form, like an electron returning to ground state. I contemplated leaving right then, but I remembered that the New Directions were slated to close the ceremony with a musical number. It was Rachel - as expected - who suggested performing I Sing the Body Electric from the musical Fame. I knew it would break my heart to watch them go on stage without me, but I needed to see her one last time. I didn't know what her plans were after graduation, where she would go to chase her dreams. I needed to see her as much as I could today, especially if it was going to be the last time I would be able to.
The number was fantastic and ground-breaking. She was amazing, transformed into a alluring persona bursting with color and sound. It tore my heart to not be there with them, to not be there with her, giving the performance of a lifetime. And as I watched them get off the stage, laughing with the high of success, I felt intrusive, almost like an outsider watching a scene that my eyes were never meant to see. I was standing outside an enclosed universe full of happiness, peering into the emotions that my cold, lonely heart wanted so badly to feel, but couldn't. I watched as the New Directions - complete now, since the other younger members of the club had joined the graduates - gathered in a corner as parents took pictures. I stared in silence as they embraced each other, sharing moments I would never be part of. I felt the lump growing in my throat when Mr. Schuester was hoisted up on the shoulders of Finn, Puck, and Mike, his face joyful, his smile radiant. When Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes began to sing a song, it didn't take long for Quinn, Tina, Blaine and… her, to break into a dance. Artie was with Rory, the kid her family adopted over summer from Europe, both applauding from nearby, looking like they truly belonged.
It was the epitome of glee, the embodiment of everything we've wanted to achieve. And I wasn't part of it.
My eyes focused on the only colored fragment in the scene, her blonde hair bouncing in time to every dance move she pulled off. I watched the exhilaration growing on her face, the most beautiful expression I'd ever seen. Then for a moment her expression dropped and she searched the crowds around her, like she was looking for someone. When her eyes swept over the entrance of the gym, I hid myself behind a door, my heart pounding in my chest. Somewhere in the corner of my mind, I wondered if she was wondering where I was, how I was, what I was doing.
Steeling myself against the bitter onslaught of tears that threatened to reveal all the tiny bits of emotion deep inside, I pushed myself off the door. Mustering as much dignity as I could, I walked down the empty hallway towards the school exit. With each heavy step I took, I willed myself not to think, not to remember, not to feel.
But when I finally made it into the sanctuary and privacy of my car, I saw the flash of sparkling blue in my mind, the gleam of her grin burning like a million stars fusing into one.
The tears just came then. And for once, I didn't bother to fight them.