[Fan Fiction] Naruto the Matchmaker
Title: Naruto the Matchmaker
Author: stfusparks
Summary: Naruto and Sai decide to choose Sasuke's bride for him, chaos ensues.
Rating: K
Prompt: Options
"Traitor-kun, how are you planning on reviving your deceased clan if you avoid every single female who approaches you?"
Uchiha Sasuke looked up from his ramen to spare a disinterested glance at the smiling Sai, before deciding to ignore him altogether. The pale boy, however, could be extremely stubborn when he wanted to be, and sat still across from the Uchiha, his smile unwavering as he patiently waited for his answer.
"Naruto, get this idiot away from me before I kill him," Sasuke muttered darkly, setting his chopsticks back down. There was something about Sai's creepy smile that made him lose his appetite entirely.
"You can't!" Naruto cried frantically, waving his arms around in panic. "Do you have any idea how hard Sakura-chan and I worked to get you pardoned? You'd be ruining everything by killing Sai! They'd execute you for sure this time!"
The Uchiha stared at his teammate for a full minute, his hands twitching in his lap. "I'm surrounded by idiots," he finally murmured, wondering why the hell he had even bothered to come to dinner in the first place.
Naruto proceeded to look confused, while Sai still patiently waited for his answer.
There were only three ways to avoid Naruto when he wanted to eat ramen: 1) knock him out, 2) flee or 3) lock yourself at home.
The first option was unfortunately unavailable to Sasuke, since any form of violence towards a fellow Konoha citizen outside of training was considered as aggression. Sasuke could not afford to screw up his probation; it was nearly over, and there was no way he was letting an entire year of waiting go to waste because of Naruto.
The second option was also unavailable. Part of his probation included having a tracking jutsu cast upon him, so that the Hokage could always know where he was in case he tried to abandon the village again.
The third and final option was also impossible, for the entire Uchiha compound was surrounded by ANBU patrolling the area. Naruto, being on good terms with Tsunade, was always able to obtain access into the house whenever he wanted to.
The best way to solve this situation was to get it over with as fast as possible.
There were days when Naruto just wanted to eat his ramen and go home, and there were times when he wanted to spend the entire evening talking with his teammates.
Today was one of the latter days.
"Traitor-kun, you still haven't answered my question," Sai pressed again, leaning a little bit forward. "I do not understand; you contradict your goal with your actions. I thought a female was required to have a child, or am I wrong?"
Sasuke internally groaned, wondering who the hell had chosen Sai as his replacement in Team 7; he felt a little insulted.
"How I'm going to revive my clan is none of your business," Sasuke icily answered, shooting him the nastiest glare he could come up with. He was tempted to activate his Sharingan, but that would've been considered as a form of aggression as well.
Sai looked thoughtful for a moment, before turning towards Naruto.
"Didn't you say you and Sasuke were brothers?" he inquired curiously.
Both Sasuke and Naruto answered at the same time.
"No."
"Yeah!"
Naruto stared at Sasuke for a second, before turning back to Sai. "We definitely are," he clarified with a beam, his blue eyes sparkling.
Sasuke didn't even feel like arguing anymore.
"Someone once told me that your family members have to approve of your partner before you can marry them," Sai carefully said in a clinical tone. Naruto's grin grew even wider at his words, and the Uchiha could almost see a lightbulb turn on right above his head.
"He's not my family."
Sasuke's words fell upon deaf ears.
"You're totally right!" the blonde enthusiastically agreed with a nod. "There's no way Sasuke-teme is choosing a bride without consulting me first! I, Uzumaki Naruto, the future Rokudaime of Konoha, must approve first!"
"But Traitor-kun doesn't seem to be interested in women," Sai continued, with a measured pause. "Shouldn't we choose a suitable bride for him instead?"
No wonder Naruto hadn't gotten smarter in all those years. Sasuke feared for his own IQ when standing anywhere near the ink master.
The blonde seemed to think otherwise.
"You're a genius Sai!" Naruto exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "I've never thought of that! We should totally spend the rest of the evening discussion options for Sasuke-teme's possible future bride!"
"We should totally not," Sasuke muttered, but his words went unheard once again.
Naruto looked thoughtful. "I think Sasuke-teme's bride would have to be a kunoichi. The Uchiha clan was really strong, so he'll probably want a skilled wife so his kids will become really powerful as well."
"Was your mother a kunoichi?" Sai tactlessly asked, and Naruto (not so subtly) elbowed the boy in the ribs.
"Aa," Sasuke curtly replied, knowing that the more he cooperated, the faster this conversation was going to be over.
"Eh? I thought she was a housewife!" Naruto exclaimed, looking bewildered.
"She quit being a kunoichi when she first gave birth."
"So we'd have to find a kunoichi who'd be willing to give up her profession as a ninja to be a mother," Naruto thoughtfully said. "That's going to be a pretty hard one. Not many girls are willing to give up on their jobs."
"Does it matter whether she's from an important clan?" Sai inquired.
"No."
"Teme's wife has to be beautiful too!" Naruto added, with a nod. "As much as he hates to admit it, he wants to have pretty children."
Sasuke did not remember mentioning this to Naruto, nor did he remember ever wanting 'pretty' children. To be completely honest, Sasuke didn't think about children much; for now, all he cared about was getting this damn probation over with.
"What about Yamanaka-san?" Sai offered. "I personally do not find her very attractive, but it seems to be that the majority of the male population of Konoha enjoys her classic blonde haired blue-eyed looks."
"No."
Sasuke shuddered at the very thought of marrying Ino. She was the kind of girl who'd spend the entire family fortune on buying diamond-encrusted kunai and other such frivolous things. Plus, she was too obsessive in many ways; he could almost see her living latched onto his arm.
"Well, Hyuuga Hinata comes from an extremely prominent clan. She is quite attractive and talented herself," Sai suggested once again, much to Naruto's horror.
"No!" the blonde cried out loud, just as Sasuke let out a monotonous "no" of his own. "Not Hinata-chan! She's too pure for a guy like teme, he'd corrupt her!"
"I wouldn't want to marry her in the first place, dobe," Sasuke told his best friend in an irritated tone. The blonde seemed to visibly relax, trusting his best friend's words.
While a loud and boisterous woman like Ino was not his cup of tea, Sasuke still expected his wife to be a woman who could stick up for herself with confidence. Hinata seemed to be just too timid to fit the part- dealing with all the stammering was going to get too annoying after awhile.
"Tenten?" Naruto asked, scratching his cheek. "She's totally cool when she gets her weapons out, you should see her in action!"
"No."
Sasuke didn't even remember what Tenten looked like. He was pretty sure that she was the female member on Hyuuga Neji's team, but that was the extent of his knowledge. There was probably a reason he didn't remember her; she hadn't been impressive enough to leave an impression on him, and that was all he needed to know to reject her. Plus, there was something about living with a weapons mistress that was just too disturbing.
Sai cocked his head to the side. "What about Temari-san from the Sand Village?"
"Idiot, haven't you seen how she hangs out with Shikamaru a lot?" Naruto snapped, looking at his pale teammate as if he was the dumbest person on earth. Sasuke was pretty sure that the Kyuubi container was unaware of the fact that he himself was probably the dumbest person on earth.
"I wouldn't want to marry her anyways."
She was Gaara's sister; that was a good enough reason.
"What about Anko?"
The three male members of Team 7 all whirled around to stare at the latest addition to their conversation; an extremely familiar silver haired man lifted a hand up in greeting, his lone visible eye crinkling up into an invisible smile.
"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed, looking excited. "You came just in time! We're discussing Sasuke-teme's future bride; we've come up with so many options but he's rejected every single one of them so far." He pouted, looking disappointed.
Sasuke shot his sensei a look of disbelief. Anko? Really?
"I was kidding," Kakashi said with a chuckle, patting the Uchiha on the head. "Why are you trying to find a wife for Sasuke anyways? I'm sure he'll find one on his own when he's ready for it."
"He's never going to be ready for it!" Naruto complained. "Have you seen how he avoids girls like the plague? Sasuke-teme is never going to be able to find a bride without our help!"
"I knew you guys were dumb, but I didn't think you were this dumb," a voice commented, and the four of them turned around to see none other than Team Asuma's Nara Shikamaru lazily leaning against a wall, eyeing them with a tired look. "Wouldn't Sakura be the most logical choice?"
"NO!" Naruto shouted, making everyone jump. "Sakura-chan will never go for a guy like teme again! She learned from her mistakes, there's no way a nice, cute girl like Sakura-chan will ever agree to marry him!"
"I agree," Sai said with a nod. "Ugly is not suitable for someone like Traitor-kun. They already have history together, and I read that it is never a good idea to get back together with someone you have already been involved with."
"Sakura-chan is never going to get married," Kakashi stated in an extremely solemn tone.
"She's going to stay chaste and pure for the rest of her kunoichi life, and then retire to become a nun."
"Think about it," Shikamaru said with a sigh. "Sasuke said he was looking for a girl who'd be willing to give up being a kunoichi when she starts having children. While Sakura takes her job as a kunoichi extremely seriously, she's a medic-nin too. She could always work part time at the hospital instead of going out on missions. Also, she comes from a civilian family which means that she must be experienced in household chores such as cooking and cleaning. She's quite strong and talented, rumored to surpass the Godaime herself in a few years; a combination of Sasuke and Sakura's skill would result in extremely powerful offspring. Also- I don't think Sakura is bad looking at all, and I know much of the male population who would agree with me."
Naruto really hated it when Shikamaru spoke, because everything that came out of his mouth always made sense.
"I don't have the time for this," Sasuke grunted, getting up from his seat. He threw the sufficient amount of money to pay for his bowl of ramen onto the table before heading out.
"That's weird," Sai commented. "Traitor-kun didn't say no this time."
Naruto's eyes widened in horror as he ran out the door to follow his best friend outside.
"SASUKE-TEME? YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY SAKURA-CHAN, RIGHT? RIGHT?!" Naruto screamed desperately, waking half of Konoha up. "WHY WON'T YOU SAY NO?"
He received no answer at all from the lone raven haired bachelor, who continued to walk home on a warm summer evening.
On the other side of the village, Sakura sneezed.