hey satan,
do you think they should have killed that tiger at the sf zoo? I went to the zoo yesterday and thought- wow, this place is just like hell for animals! Good work man. But the other tigers looked so sad and depressed, I bet they really miss their friend.
~tiger lover

Dear TL,

it's like Chris Rock said about Sigfried or Roy getting chomped ( Read more... )

Dear Satan,
What do I do about my friend who always makes me wait at a restaurant
at
least 20 minutes after the agreed upon meeting time, even when I come
late
knowing that s/he's gonna be late?!
~Tired of Waiting
Dear ToW,

20 minutes is a long time to wait for someone. While anyone can be
occasionally late, many people do not realize how annoying ( Read more... )

Dear Satan,
How does one support a friend who is angry all the time? Who is
always right and who never apologizes when s/he does something wrong or hurtful?
And who in spite of these most human of shortcomings, is a wonderfully kind and
generous friend?
~Not willing to write off a friend

Dear NWTWOAF,

Your letter has a lot of different questions. So ( Read more... )

Dear biggety S,
I recently broke up with one of your proteges. I'm wondering how
long I have to wait before making a move on this hottie I've had my eye on.
Is there some sort of grace period I'm supposed to observe? Is it
impossible to go from an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one without allowing
some time for reflection? I just don't want ( Read more... )

Sprout wrote:
"now you tell me about the elevator. people dont know about this
elevator. i wish there was a portal to your body/mind/whatever you
are, like in being john malkovich. what about loneliness? it's
sometimes hell and makes you want do things with people you dont care
about, but sometimes it's nice and is like growing into your own needs
rather ( Read more... )

Dear Satan:
I think purgatory must be worse than hell. What do you think? I'm
tired of
relationships that are not here or there. Can you tell me what's the
fastest
way to hell?

~searching for a stairway to Hell

Dear SFTSTH

There aren't any stairways to hell, only elevators. But be careful
what you ask for. Truly hellish relationships have things like
( Read more... )

Dear Satan,
How do you kill a crush? Is it as simple as picturing her face on my
grandfather's nekked body? Gross. Is there an easier way? This is
torture,
really, I hope you're very happy with yourself.
~Pining Away Like a Dumbass
Dear PALaD,

The quickest and most effective way to kill a crush is to act on it
and get rejected. Put yourself on the ( Read more... )

Dear Satan,
My sweetie wants to settle in bakersfield (your hometown) and I am
not having it. I love her but don't want to spend my life in hell, and
question why she would ask that of me in the first place. Is
there any way to salvage this relationship?
~Oakland Only Forever

Dear OOF,
For the record, my hometown is actually Barstow, a mere ( Read more... )

Dear Satan,
What do I do if I want to have an open relationship, but I don't want
my partner to sleep with other people?
~Unethical slut

Dear US,
Make your partner agree to be monogamous; then go "cheat." Duh. But
make sure whomever you mess around with is HOT. If your partner finds
out, you want to be able to say, "If you were in my shoes, you
would've ( Read more... )

Dear Satan,
I really like my job and my co-workers. I'm well paid and the work is exciting and very gratifying. But lately it's been sooooo hard for me to get up in the morning and be excited about work. Maybe cuz it's so freaking cold (you don't have to worry about that in hell, do you) and dark outside. Maybe because lately so many kids ( Read more... )