Fic: Wedding Fairies
Title: Wedding Fairies
Characters: Torchwood Team, Rhys, Nostrovites
Rating: All
Theme: Crack, humour
Summary: A slight re-writing of the S2 episode 'Something Borrowed'.
Author's Notes: The canon episode is quite cracky by itself, so this was easy to write.
Disclaimer: All characters here belong to the BBC. I am not making any profit from this.
Gwen woke up on her wedding day with a sore head. Her hen night had been rather unusual. The male stripper hired by her friends turned out to be a vicious alien who bit her on the forearm. Torchwood had come rushing in, Jack had shot the alien in its face and then had offered to do a striptease himself to make up for the ruined festivities. By then her friends had drunk themselves under the table and Rhys was calling her on her mobile, so she said no, but what if she had said yes ...
Gwen looked at herself in the mirror and screamed. Then she quickly rang Jack.
***
Jack and Owen looked at Gwen's enormous swollen belly.
"At least you didn't get zits on your big day." Owen tried to cheer her up.
Rhys rushed in. "Good heavens, you're pregnant! How did this happen?"
"Well, don't look at us." Owen sniped. "We'll have to do some tests on Gwen to see what it is."
"Okay. I'll ring our relatives, tell them that the wedding is postponed." Rhys was already thinking of damage control.
Gwen panicked. What if Rhys called off the wedding completely? That horrible mother of his was always telling him that he was too good for Gwen. If Rhys broke up with her she wouldn't be able to remind her colleagues daily how she had a loving partner and they had nobody. And there would be no way to make Jack feel jealous and regretful ...
"No, I want to marry you today!!!" She shrieked like a banshee.
"Easy love, I'm still hungover!" Rhys clutched his aching head.
"Okay, we'll, uh, go and get you a bigger dress." Jack ushered Owen out and they both made their escape before Gwen's next assault on their eardrums.
***
Ianto looked at the dresses on display in the 'Pregnant Bride' section of the department store and sighed. He had other things to do, why had Jack sent him here? Ianto spotted the dapper store employee and approached him.
"Hello, can you help me? I am looking for a dress for a 'friend'. Show me the most hideous one, I'll pay you extra."
***
Jack looked at the picture of the wedding gown that Ianto had picked out.
"Ianto, are you sure about this dress? I don't think it will look too good on Gwen."
"Oh, I'm sure it will. I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's laser scans ..."
"But Gwen hasn't come to the Hub since she became pregnant." Jack pointed out.
"Did you know my Dad was a master tailor who could estimate a man's inseam by the length of his stride?" Ianto quickly tried to distract Jack.
It worked. "Mmmm, the family eye, eh? Remind me to test it sometime." Jack purred and grabbed Ianto.
Owen walked in on them whilst they were conducting their optical scans of each other's anatomy.
"Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a dead man, but I wanted to show you something." He held up the Proteus gland of the dead alien.
"This alien is a Nostrovite. Last night the father deposited its mate's eggs in Gwen's body. The young one will be ready to hatch in 24 hours and mummy Nostrovite will tear open the host's body to help it get out. So she is likely to be following Gwen around today."
"That's awful!" Jack said. "I know what it feels like, waiting for your little baby to come out, wondering what it'll look like ..."
"Besides, Gwen's safety is at stake." Ianto butted in. Really, sometimes Jack could be so mushy.
"Er, right. Yes, there's Gwen to think of as well. Tosh, you take Gwen's dress and go to the wedding venue now so that you can tell her and Rhys what's going on." Jack ordered. "We'll gather our equipment and follow in the SUV."
"Why do I have to go? I hate weddings." Tosh grumbled.
"One word Tosh: groomsmen!" Jack said with a suggestive wink.
***
After Tosh had handed her the new wedding dress and left, Gwen squeezed herself into it and grimaced at her image in the mirror. Really, this was the most unflattering cut possible for a pregnant woman. Just then Jack walked into her room.
"Jack, what are you doing here?"
"I just couldn't stay away, so I invited myself to your wedding. Hope you don't mind?" Jack said, with his trademark charming smile. Before Gwen could reply, he dropped to his knees and nuzzled her belly.
"Mmm, you know Gwen, I can't stop thinking of this being my baby, growing inside you ...", he murmured.
Gwen couldn't believe her ears. This wasn't how she had dreamt of Jack declaring his feelings for her, but hey, it would do in a pinch.
Just then the door burst open and Rhys, Ianto, Tosh and Owen burst in, followed by --- Jack!
"Two Jacks?!" Tosh exclaimed.
"I can't tell you what I'm thinking now." Ianto muttered.
"That's the Nostrovite!" the second Jack shouted and sprang forward.
Gwen hurriedly brushed off Nostrovite-Jack. "Er, I knew that. That's why I played along, to keep it here so that you could catch it!"
Nostrovite-Jack suddenly sprouted fangs and claws and turned on the Torchwood team.
"Rhys, Gwen! Just get out of here, we'll hold it off!" Owen yelled, tackling the alien.
Gwen and Rhys ran as fast as they could to the outbuildings of the hotel complex. They took refuge in a garage and shut the door.
A few minutes later the door was kicked open. Rhys picked up a tyre iron and charged the intruders.
"Relax, it's only us!" Ianto and Tosh said, holding up their hands to shield their heads. Owen came forward from behind with a device in his hand.
"Oh no, not the singularity scalpel! You don't know how to use it, you'll kill me!" Gwen screamed.
"Quiet Gwen. This isn't the singularity scalpel. It's a quantum materialiser. It can dematerialise an object and rematerialise it elsewhere. Which is what we're going to do with this Nostrovite baby to get it out of you." Tosh explained.
"What! You mean you aren't going to kill it?" Gwen was amazed.
"Of course not. It's a baby! We wouldn't be that cruel!" Tosh admonished.
"What about the mother?" Rhys asked.
"Oh, we calmed her down and had a little chat. She just wants to get her baby and we agreed to help. Afterwards she'll be off -- she's got a ship ready to get her away from Earth."
Owen worked on the settings and aimed the device at Gwen's tummy. Whoosh! Suddenly there was a tentacled, wailing thing on the floor of the garage.
"Aw, it's such a cutie!" Jack came up and wrapped the little creature in a blanket. "Now I'll just go and hand it over to Mother."
***
All the shenanigans had led to the DJ passing out drunk, so Ianto got to choose the songs -- 'Runaround Sue', 'Tainted Love', 'Smoke Gets in Your Eyes', etc. But he did play 'Do Ya Wanna Funk?' as he cut in on Jack and Gwen and danced energetically with Jack.
Later the team and Rhys sat down at the banquet tables, sipping the last of the champagne. All the guests had been retconned. Jack suggested that Rhys could choose to be retconned if he wished, but Rhys refused.
"There will be no more secrets between us." Gwen declared smugly.
Except for the ones that are already there, Tosh thought. Aloud she said, "You've still got some of that baby weight on you Gwen!"
Gwen wailed, "Oh dear, that's true. I'll have to go on a diet right away. And that lovely lingerie I got for tonight won't fit me!"
"Is that the same lingerie I had bought for you?" Owen asked brightly.
"What do you mean?!" Rhys growled.
Gwen tried to pacify Rhys. "Er, it's just the bridal shower gift."
"Your male colleagues buy you underwear?"
"Hey calm down. What's wrong with that? I gave her a box of sex toys as a gift!" Jack interceded.
"We don't need your sleazy gifts. Gwen, return it immediately!"
"Rhys do calm down ..."
"No, I've had enough of your colleagues strutting around here like they own the place!"
"Come on, let's not spoil the evening. We've had a good time ..." Jack tried to make peace.
"You've had a good time alright, making eyes at my wife and pawing her at every opportunity!" Rhys spat out.
As the argument spiralled out of control, Ianto, Tosh and Owen crept away and went up to their hotel room. As a perk to themselves, Tosh had hacked into the hotel bookings so that Torchwood would have the luxury pentouse suite. They relaxed in the hot tub and sipped the champagne that Ianto had nicked from the bar.
"To Torchwood." Tosh raised her glass.
"By day fighting the scum of the universe." Ianto said.
"By night, we're the wedding fairies!" Owen finished.
---- The End ---
Characters: Torchwood Team, Rhys, Nostrovites
Rating: All
Theme: Crack, humour
Summary: A slight re-writing of the S2 episode 'Something Borrowed'.
Author's Notes: The canon episode is quite cracky by itself, so this was easy to write.
Disclaimer: All characters here belong to the BBC. I am not making any profit from this.
Gwen woke up on her wedding day with a sore head. Her hen night had been rather unusual. The male stripper hired by her friends turned out to be a vicious alien who bit her on the forearm. Torchwood had come rushing in, Jack had shot the alien in its face and then had offered to do a striptease himself to make up for the ruined festivities. By then her friends had drunk themselves under the table and Rhys was calling her on her mobile, so she said no, but what if she had said yes ...
Gwen looked at herself in the mirror and screamed. Then she quickly rang Jack.
***
Jack and Owen looked at Gwen's enormous swollen belly.
"At least you didn't get zits on your big day." Owen tried to cheer her up.
Rhys rushed in. "Good heavens, you're pregnant! How did this happen?"
"Well, don't look at us." Owen sniped. "We'll have to do some tests on Gwen to see what it is."
"Okay. I'll ring our relatives, tell them that the wedding is postponed." Rhys was already thinking of damage control.
Gwen panicked. What if Rhys called off the wedding completely? That horrible mother of his was always telling him that he was too good for Gwen. If Rhys broke up with her she wouldn't be able to remind her colleagues daily how she had a loving partner and they had nobody. And there would be no way to make Jack feel jealous and regretful ...
"No, I want to marry you today!!!" She shrieked like a banshee.
"Easy love, I'm still hungover!" Rhys clutched his aching head.
"Okay, we'll, uh, go and get you a bigger dress." Jack ushered Owen out and they both made their escape before Gwen's next assault on their eardrums.
***
Ianto looked at the dresses on display in the 'Pregnant Bride' section of the department store and sighed. He had other things to do, why had Jack sent him here? Ianto spotted the dapper store employee and approached him.
"Hello, can you help me? I am looking for a dress for a 'friend'. Show me the most hideous one, I'll pay you extra."
***
Jack looked at the picture of the wedding gown that Ianto had picked out.
"Ianto, are you sure about this dress? I don't think it will look too good on Gwen."
"Oh, I'm sure it will. I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's laser scans ..."
"But Gwen hasn't come to the Hub since she became pregnant." Jack pointed out.
"Did you know my Dad was a master tailor who could estimate a man's inseam by the length of his stride?" Ianto quickly tried to distract Jack.
It worked. "Mmmm, the family eye, eh? Remind me to test it sometime." Jack purred and grabbed Ianto.
Owen walked in on them whilst they were conducting their optical scans of each other's anatomy.
"Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a dead man, but I wanted to show you something." He held up the Proteus gland of the dead alien.
"This alien is a Nostrovite. Last night the father deposited its mate's eggs in Gwen's body. The young one will be ready to hatch in 24 hours and mummy Nostrovite will tear open the host's body to help it get out. So she is likely to be following Gwen around today."
"That's awful!" Jack said. "I know what it feels like, waiting for your little baby to come out, wondering what it'll look like ..."
"Besides, Gwen's safety is at stake." Ianto butted in. Really, sometimes Jack could be so mushy.
"Er, right. Yes, there's Gwen to think of as well. Tosh, you take Gwen's dress and go to the wedding venue now so that you can tell her and Rhys what's going on." Jack ordered. "We'll gather our equipment and follow in the SUV."
"Why do I have to go? I hate weddings." Tosh grumbled.
"One word Tosh: groomsmen!" Jack said with a suggestive wink.
***
After Tosh had handed her the new wedding dress and left, Gwen squeezed herself into it and grimaced at her image in the mirror. Really, this was the most unflattering cut possible for a pregnant woman. Just then Jack walked into her room.
"Jack, what are you doing here?"
"I just couldn't stay away, so I invited myself to your wedding. Hope you don't mind?" Jack said, with his trademark charming smile. Before Gwen could reply, he dropped to his knees and nuzzled her belly.
"Mmm, you know Gwen, I can't stop thinking of this being my baby, growing inside you ...", he murmured.
Gwen couldn't believe her ears. This wasn't how she had dreamt of Jack declaring his feelings for her, but hey, it would do in a pinch.
Just then the door burst open and Rhys, Ianto, Tosh and Owen burst in, followed by --- Jack!
"Two Jacks?!" Tosh exclaimed.
"I can't tell you what I'm thinking now." Ianto muttered.
"That's the Nostrovite!" the second Jack shouted and sprang forward.
Gwen hurriedly brushed off Nostrovite-Jack. "Er, I knew that. That's why I played along, to keep it here so that you could catch it!"
Nostrovite-Jack suddenly sprouted fangs and claws and turned on the Torchwood team.
"Rhys, Gwen! Just get out of here, we'll hold it off!" Owen yelled, tackling the alien.
Gwen and Rhys ran as fast as they could to the outbuildings of the hotel complex. They took refuge in a garage and shut the door.
A few minutes later the door was kicked open. Rhys picked up a tyre iron and charged the intruders.
"Relax, it's only us!" Ianto and Tosh said, holding up their hands to shield their heads. Owen came forward from behind with a device in his hand.
"Oh no, not the singularity scalpel! You don't know how to use it, you'll kill me!" Gwen screamed.
"Quiet Gwen. This isn't the singularity scalpel. It's a quantum materialiser. It can dematerialise an object and rematerialise it elsewhere. Which is what we're going to do with this Nostrovite baby to get it out of you." Tosh explained.
"What! You mean you aren't going to kill it?" Gwen was amazed.
"Of course not. It's a baby! We wouldn't be that cruel!" Tosh admonished.
"What about the mother?" Rhys asked.
"Oh, we calmed her down and had a little chat. She just wants to get her baby and we agreed to help. Afterwards she'll be off -- she's got a ship ready to get her away from Earth."
Owen worked on the settings and aimed the device at Gwen's tummy. Whoosh! Suddenly there was a tentacled, wailing thing on the floor of the garage.
"Aw, it's such a cutie!" Jack came up and wrapped the little creature in a blanket. "Now I'll just go and hand it over to Mother."
***
All the shenanigans had led to the DJ passing out drunk, so Ianto got to choose the songs -- 'Runaround Sue', 'Tainted Love', 'Smoke Gets in Your Eyes', etc. But he did play 'Do Ya Wanna Funk?' as he cut in on Jack and Gwen and danced energetically with Jack.
Later the team and Rhys sat down at the banquet tables, sipping the last of the champagne. All the guests had been retconned. Jack suggested that Rhys could choose to be retconned if he wished, but Rhys refused.
"There will be no more secrets between us." Gwen declared smugly.
Except for the ones that are already there, Tosh thought. Aloud she said, "You've still got some of that baby weight on you Gwen!"
Gwen wailed, "Oh dear, that's true. I'll have to go on a diet right away. And that lovely lingerie I got for tonight won't fit me!"
"Is that the same lingerie I had bought for you?" Owen asked brightly.
"What do you mean?!" Rhys growled.
Gwen tried to pacify Rhys. "Er, it's just the bridal shower gift."
"Your male colleagues buy you underwear?"
"Hey calm down. What's wrong with that? I gave her a box of sex toys as a gift!" Jack interceded.
"We don't need your sleazy gifts. Gwen, return it immediately!"
"Rhys do calm down ..."
"No, I've had enough of your colleagues strutting around here like they own the place!"
"Come on, let's not spoil the evening. We've had a good time ..." Jack tried to make peace.
"You've had a good time alright, making eyes at my wife and pawing her at every opportunity!" Rhys spat out.
As the argument spiralled out of control, Ianto, Tosh and Owen crept away and went up to their hotel room. As a perk to themselves, Tosh had hacked into the hotel bookings so that Torchwood would have the luxury pentouse suite. They relaxed in the hot tub and sipped the champagne that Ianto had nicked from the bar.
"To Torchwood." Tosh raised her glass.
"By day fighting the scum of the universe." Ianto said.
"By night, we're the wedding fairies!" Owen finished.
---- The End ---