The Perfect Non-Underwear Gift
Title: The Perfect Non-Underwear Gift
Author: saucydiva
Word count: north of 1K
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would be buying my fudge at $55 an ounce
Timeline: 4x10
Summary: As prompted by k8_26_2: Ben, Jean-Ralphio, Christmas shopping. Go!
Author’s Note: Rikyl is the best Christmas elf I know
Ben Wyatt was usually very good at gifts.
And he was especially good at gifts for Leslie Knope.
He’d done very well with all those gifts you always buy your girlfriend-the ‘I’m sorry our secret dating means you have to go on trial’ horse doll, the ‘please think better of me’ children’s concert, the ‘We have to break up so you can pursue your dreams’ campaign button, even the ‘aborted attempt at proclaiming his love via food’ éclair. Ben was good.
But now that they were dating again, for real, he was drawing a blank. What do you get the woman of your dreams, who already owns everything, and who may be the only person better than you at getting presents?
Helping her wrap gifts on Black Friday made him realize that he was a present-giving amateur compared to her. She was a ninja mixed with a Jedi times Wonder Woman at presents, and somehow she had bought dozens of thoughtful gifts, absolutely perfect for their intended recipients.
Ann’s gifts alone…
He trembled to think of what she had bought for him, so he tried not to.
It became really easy to put off picking out something for her. All December, he told himself he was going to go shopping soon, tomorrow, probably. He just had figure out what.
Which is why he was spending Christmas Eve in the mall, staring at scarves and wondering if Leslie already had a scarf. Scarves. This particular scarf, possibly.
He was considering moving over to the hat section when he noticed-was that Axe body spray?-and suddenly felt 160 pounds of pressure on his shoulders.
“J-Shot! No, I hate that. J-Bird, I’m going to call you J-Bird. Or Louie? No. J-Bird, what are you doing here on Christmas Eve? Shouldn’t you be working your nerd hotness on some ladies somewhere?”
Ben felt a little disoriented, but Jean-Ralphio had that effect on people. He straightened up, dusted the weirdness off of him. “Are you suggesting we should be at a bar, picking up women, on Christmas Eve?”
“Not everyone’s a Gentile, dude. That’s why I’m on my way over to the Snakehole after I pick up some presents. I got this plan, it involves approaching women with gifts. The girls, they’ll think we know each other because why else am I bringing them a present? If you were a lady, gloves would make you think of getting down with me and a love glove, right?”
“I didn’t realize you were Jewish, number one, because I suspect you renamed yourself, and I’m dating Leslie, number two, and-“
“Leslie? Leslie Knope? Tom’s boss? That is one hot chick. Did I ever tell you about the time she danced up on me? It was the closest thing I got to getting laid in May. Best sixteen minutes of my life, and I once met Pam Anderson. She punched me.”
Ben sighed. Somehow, putting off buying Leslie’s present had brought this on him, he was certain of that. He was going to regret this, but… “Leslie, who I am dating, so stop that, needs a Christmas gift. Something that says, ‘I’m glad we’re together.’”
“That’s the best you can do? ‘I’m glad we’re together’ for the hottest little piece in Pawnee? You need to get her something that says ‘You have an ass that won’t quit’ you know what I’m saying-“
“I do, because she’s my girlfriend-“
Jean-Ralphio started pushing him towards the lingerie section. “And nothing praises a woman’s ass like lace, but also leather, if she’s into that, which she is, you can just tell-“
Ben dug his heels in to the rug on the department store floor. “No. No. No.”
“I gotcha. And I know the perfect non-underwear gift to give her. Panda.”
“Illegal.”
“Airplane.”
“Unaffordable.”
“Date with Ryan Gosling.”
“Unwise. I want her to stay with me, for one. If you insist on helping, we aren’t going near that department. Let’s go… maybe the bookstore?”
“Good idea. Books are boring, that’ll remind her of you.”
They wandered around the bookstore, where Jean-Ralphio offered comments that forced Ben to conclude his helper hadn’t actually read a book that wasn’t assigned to him ever. A trip to the Fannie May proved fruitless, too, because Leslie’s love of candy is fine, but candy is for Valentines Day and hostess gifts, dog. And you can’t even think about buying her clothes unless you know her sizes for certain, and only if you know anything about clothes, which you clearly don’t.
They ended up standing by the giant Christmas tree in the center of the mall, staring at the lights in silence. And maybe it was the sense of desperation, or the chemical scent of pine needles and peppermint being pumped through the air, or even the stress of the past few months, but Ben felt moved to talk to Jean-Ralphio, keeping his eyes on the twinkling lights. “It’s just… I love her, and I wish I knew how to show her that.”
“Dude, you get her something she doesn’t have.”
“She has everything, Jean-Ralphio, and it’s all in her living room.”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t have something from you that says you are in this for the long haul. Get her an ornament that says something about it being your first Christmas together. Then you tell her you know it’s the first of many, you tell her you love her-“
“That’s… surprisingly sweet.”
“Then you make sweet love to her in those lace panties you also buy her. I saw a pair that has cubic z’s set in little snowflakes all over the-“
“That’s good, we’re good, ornament it is.” He turns towards the Macy’s, about to go, when he looks back at his companion, who is staring at the tree looking a little sad. “You coming?”
“No, J-Bird, I’m fine here, just going to get some gifts and head over to the Snakehole. Glad to help you, though, have a nice Christmas Eve.”
Ben started to walk away, but he felt a stab of guilt in his chest. “You know, Jean-Ralphio, if you could offer me your services picking the ornament, since you have… swag and style, and I don’t, it would be really helpful.”
“Really?” Jean-Ralphio’s face looked weirdly hopeful, though maybe that was the reflection of the tree, or Ben’s own sense of relief being projected on to his face.
“Yeah, and then you could come back to Leslie’s with me. She’s having a gathering, a few close friends. Tom’ll be there. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“I couldn’t.”
“You don’t have to… but I would like you come.”
“You don’t have to twist my arm. I’ll be there, for Tommy’s sake, don’t want him to be the only cool guy in the room.”
“Merry Christmas, Jean-Ralphio.”
“Happy Hanukkah, J-Bird.”
Author: saucydiva
Word count: north of 1K
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would be buying my fudge at $55 an ounce
Timeline: 4x10
Summary: As prompted by k8_26_2: Ben, Jean-Ralphio, Christmas shopping. Go!
Author’s Note: Rikyl is the best Christmas elf I know
Ben Wyatt was usually very good at gifts.
And he was especially good at gifts for Leslie Knope.
He’d done very well with all those gifts you always buy your girlfriend-the ‘I’m sorry our secret dating means you have to go on trial’ horse doll, the ‘please think better of me’ children’s concert, the ‘We have to break up so you can pursue your dreams’ campaign button, even the ‘aborted attempt at proclaiming his love via food’ éclair. Ben was good.
But now that they were dating again, for real, he was drawing a blank. What do you get the woman of your dreams, who already owns everything, and who may be the only person better than you at getting presents?
Helping her wrap gifts on Black Friday made him realize that he was a present-giving amateur compared to her. She was a ninja mixed with a Jedi times Wonder Woman at presents, and somehow she had bought dozens of thoughtful gifts, absolutely perfect for their intended recipients.
Ann’s gifts alone…
He trembled to think of what she had bought for him, so he tried not to.
It became really easy to put off picking out something for her. All December, he told himself he was going to go shopping soon, tomorrow, probably. He just had figure out what.
Which is why he was spending Christmas Eve in the mall, staring at scarves and wondering if Leslie already had a scarf. Scarves. This particular scarf, possibly.
He was considering moving over to the hat section when he noticed-was that Axe body spray?-and suddenly felt 160 pounds of pressure on his shoulders.
“J-Shot! No, I hate that. J-Bird, I’m going to call you J-Bird. Or Louie? No. J-Bird, what are you doing here on Christmas Eve? Shouldn’t you be working your nerd hotness on some ladies somewhere?”
Ben felt a little disoriented, but Jean-Ralphio had that effect on people. He straightened up, dusted the weirdness off of him. “Are you suggesting we should be at a bar, picking up women, on Christmas Eve?”
“Not everyone’s a Gentile, dude. That’s why I’m on my way over to the Snakehole after I pick up some presents. I got this plan, it involves approaching women with gifts. The girls, they’ll think we know each other because why else am I bringing them a present? If you were a lady, gloves would make you think of getting down with me and a love glove, right?”
“I didn’t realize you were Jewish, number one, because I suspect you renamed yourself, and I’m dating Leslie, number two, and-“
“Leslie? Leslie Knope? Tom’s boss? That is one hot chick. Did I ever tell you about the time she danced up on me? It was the closest thing I got to getting laid in May. Best sixteen minutes of my life, and I once met Pam Anderson. She punched me.”
Ben sighed. Somehow, putting off buying Leslie’s present had brought this on him, he was certain of that. He was going to regret this, but… “Leslie, who I am dating, so stop that, needs a Christmas gift. Something that says, ‘I’m glad we’re together.’”
“That’s the best you can do? ‘I’m glad we’re together’ for the hottest little piece in Pawnee? You need to get her something that says ‘You have an ass that won’t quit’ you know what I’m saying-“
“I do, because she’s my girlfriend-“
Jean-Ralphio started pushing him towards the lingerie section. “And nothing praises a woman’s ass like lace, but also leather, if she’s into that, which she is, you can just tell-“
Ben dug his heels in to the rug on the department store floor. “No. No. No.”
“I gotcha. And I know the perfect non-underwear gift to give her. Panda.”
“Illegal.”
“Airplane.”
“Unaffordable.”
“Date with Ryan Gosling.”
“Unwise. I want her to stay with me, for one. If you insist on helping, we aren’t going near that department. Let’s go… maybe the bookstore?”
“Good idea. Books are boring, that’ll remind her of you.”
They wandered around the bookstore, where Jean-Ralphio offered comments that forced Ben to conclude his helper hadn’t actually read a book that wasn’t assigned to him ever. A trip to the Fannie May proved fruitless, too, because Leslie’s love of candy is fine, but candy is for Valentines Day and hostess gifts, dog. And you can’t even think about buying her clothes unless you know her sizes for certain, and only if you know anything about clothes, which you clearly don’t.
They ended up standing by the giant Christmas tree in the center of the mall, staring at the lights in silence. And maybe it was the sense of desperation, or the chemical scent of pine needles and peppermint being pumped through the air, or even the stress of the past few months, but Ben felt moved to talk to Jean-Ralphio, keeping his eyes on the twinkling lights. “It’s just… I love her, and I wish I knew how to show her that.”
“Dude, you get her something she doesn’t have.”
“She has everything, Jean-Ralphio, and it’s all in her living room.”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t have something from you that says you are in this for the long haul. Get her an ornament that says something about it being your first Christmas together. Then you tell her you know it’s the first of many, you tell her you love her-“
“That’s… surprisingly sweet.”
“Then you make sweet love to her in those lace panties you also buy her. I saw a pair that has cubic z’s set in little snowflakes all over the-“
“That’s good, we’re good, ornament it is.” He turns towards the Macy’s, about to go, when he looks back at his companion, who is staring at the tree looking a little sad. “You coming?”
“No, J-Bird, I’m fine here, just going to get some gifts and head over to the Snakehole. Glad to help you, though, have a nice Christmas Eve.”
Ben started to walk away, but he felt a stab of guilt in his chest. “You know, Jean-Ralphio, if you could offer me your services picking the ornament, since you have… swag and style, and I don’t, it would be really helpful.”
“Really?” Jean-Ralphio’s face looked weirdly hopeful, though maybe that was the reflection of the tree, or Ben’s own sense of relief being projected on to his face.
“Yeah, and then you could come back to Leslie’s with me. She’s having a gathering, a few close friends. Tom’ll be there. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“I couldn’t.”
“You don’t have to… but I would like you come.”
“You don’t have to twist my arm. I’ll be there, for Tommy’s sake, don’t want him to be the only cool guy in the room.”
“Merry Christmas, Jean-Ralphio.”
“Happy Hanukkah, J-Bird.”