DVD Commentary: The Day the Kinkmeme Came to Pawnee (1/2)
Title: The Day the Kinkmeme Came to Pawnee: the DVD Commentary
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 8.5k for the story, 4k commentary
Rating: R.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you all a crisp $20 bill for Christmas
Author’s Note: This is the companion piece to the DVD commentary for Parallel Lines, Touching.
Read the original here.
Part two of the commentary
This prompt is amazing. I was skimming through the kinkmeme, and none of the prompts really grabbed me, because honestly, “person+person have some form of sex” is boring. I need something else, something fun, something with a story.I saw this prompt and I clapped, I was so excited. Here’s something with a story-interesting premise, and who is responding how and to what?
Someone on the meme said they thought it should be April who started the RPF kink meme, but my immediate thought when I saw this prompt was
1. clap
2. Joe from Sewage did it, obviously
3. I can’t let it just be the Parks Department, I want to bring in the whole City Hall, because I want to bring in as many cracked- out prompts as I can.
I don’t know who prompted this, but whoever you are, I loved it and I want you to prompt me some more awesome ideas.
As for the timeline, I wanted to bring Leslie and Ben together, but I also wanted Ann working at City Hall since all her exes work(ed) there too, so I fudged it a bit.
***
Chris is bringing yet another morning meeting to an end with the usual reminders-clean your leftovers out of the fridge in the cafeteria, but don’t leave them in your car because some raccoons can open doors, and please stop feeding the raccoons, they are learning to open doors- when he turns serious.
“Over the weekend our IT department, Jason, was browsing some sites that I am sure are not what they sound like when he found a site specific to the Pawnee City Hall. Someone has started a ‘kinkmeme’ for City Hall employees. People leave ‘prompts’ with names and sexual acts, and then other people write out fictional stories of these sexual encounters.” He slams his hands on the table for emphasis. Meanwhile, people start murmuring to each other.
“Jason has already determined that he cannot remove this board via any legal means, since it is being hosted overseas. Right now, our lawyers are looking into case law to see if there is anything that can be done to serve the site with a cease-and-desist, but as of right now, our hands are tied. Which, actually, is one of the prompts.”
And here is where my short story went of the rails, one hundred words in. My plan was to write something short-ish, 2000 words, and post it anonymously. I had to have reactions; I couldn’t just start the story with everyone knowing. And I wanted Leslie to tell the department, but how’d she find out? And I can’t just have Chris tell her, he has to make a Pawnee raccoon joke. I’m only human, you realize.
“We are asking that everyone please not look, no matter how tempting it is. We have blocked the site from all work computers, but we ask that you respect yourselves and your coworkers by not visiting the site from personal computers. Please inform your departments about what is happening, and ask them to refrain visiting as well.”
“We are doing everything we can.”
Leslie finishes writing out her notes from the meeting with a “kinkmeme=gross” and closes her padfolio.
When she gathers her own people and repeats almost verbatim what Chris said, with maybe a few more references to how gross the whole thing is, she is surprised to see Tom whip out his phone.
“Whoa, get a look at this, guys!”
Donna drapes a hand on his shoulder and starts reading out loud. “The library is more than represented on this thing. And it sounds like everyone thinks the librarians are some dirty birds.”
Fun fact: I’ve never prompted anything on the kinkmeme boards, ever.
Ron looks up from the pole he is leaning against, and lazily lifts a hand from his crossed arms. “I can confirm that is absolutely true.”
Donna looks over at him with undisguised glee. “And that might be why you are on here with your ex. And with several other librarians. That’s going to enrage Tammy.”
“I am going in my office. No one is to come in there. If my ex-wife shows up, tell her I died and left her nothing.”
“Don’t you mean ex-ex-ex wife?” Tom asks, until a glare from Ron cuts off his laughter.
Ron exists, stage left. He would not hang out through this, especially if he got prompted with Tammy 2. Besides, out of everyone on the show, we have seen the most of the Ron’s sexual escapades, compared with the small amount of info we’ve gotten on anyone else’s sex lives.
After the slam of Ron’s door, April, also fiddling with her phone, mutters, “This thing is stupid and also barely anyone even prompted me.”
Andy bangs the door open and roller-skates in. “Hey, Babe, what’s up?” He pulls out his phone. “What’s a kin-kmim?”
April says, “You should know, Andy, everyone wants to see you hook up with everyone. Meanwhile, the only one anyone wants to see me screw is Ben.”
Leslie can feel her chest constrict a little. “April, I am sure no one wants to see you sleep with Ben.”
“Actually, they want everyone to sleep with Ben. Look at this! When you click on his name, people want to see him with… everyone.” Donna starts waving her phone around for emphasis. “You-” She points at April, “And you-” Andy “And both of you together, sometimes to ‘teach a lesson about the proper way to be a roommate/adult-‘”
Ben’s the fandom bicycle.
“We’re awesome roommates,” April says while Andy nods. “Ben is the one that doesn’t understand.”
Donna ignores them, “And they want Tom and Ben to ‘try on suits’ and him and Chris to ‘deal with their issues’ via some really rough sex, sometimes in Pawnee and sometimes before they got here-”
“Who wants to have sex with Chris? Oh, wait, I do, and Ben at the same time, apparently. Glad I didn’t go to Indianapolis after all,” April says, looking annoyed at the phone. “Just three prompts? What is this? I am way better than anyone else here.”
Legit prompt. I borrowed a few actual prompts.
“I don’t like this, I don’t like this at all” Jerry says, chiming in for the first time since Leslie broke the news.
Donna barely glances at him. “Oh, don’t worry, Jerry, you can tell Gail you aren’t even on here.”
“I am sure I am-“
“Nope,” Tom says, “And it looks liked I just haven’t found the section with all my prompts yet.” He looks confident. “I mean, there are even prompts for Mark Brandanowitz. I barely remember that guy. Does he even still live around here?”
Where the hell is Mark these days? Also, I’m not wrong, there’s a few prompts that mention Mark, though I don’t think anyone actually wants to see him have sex. I bet his sex life is boring, really.
Leslie, meanwhile, keeps pulling out her phone and making herself put her phone back in her pocket. Pulls it out, puts it away. Gets a coffee to distract herself, adds in sugar, and then more sugar, and then abandons the coffee on Jerry’s desk so she can stare at her phone some more.
“So this is a sex thing?” Andy asks, looking around. Then he grins “April, we should read these, you know, in bed, as an aphro…periodic” He looks over April’s shoulder. “Who is Jan Cooper, and why is she hosting an orgy?”
All right, here’s the real reason I had to have the kinkmeme cover all of City Hall. I don’t know that Jan Cooper works at CH, but she might, and regardless, that ex of hers would prompt her anyway.
Someone prompted this orgy on the kinkmeme. I assume it’s a joke, but if anyone tackles that, I approve. I discussed this with Erika, who saw the prompt before I did and I had no idea what she was talking about, but we discussed it and I would have fun writing the why everyone was there, but someone else would have to write out the actual sex, because I had enough anxiety writing two people having sex.
“You know, people really hate the DMV. Have you guys seen the DMV prompts? Because wow,” Donna says.
I really like the idea that people are taking their aggression at the DMV out via sex stories.
“I can’t believe I am barely requested on this dumb thing. I am going home, I have to get some stuff,” April says, gathering up stuff. “Andy, you watch my desk, just remember, don’t answer the phone and don’t let anyone at Ron.”
I know that when the prompt was prompted someone wanted to see April behind the Parks-kinkmeme, but
1. It was Joe from Sewage, I already saw that
2. I wanted to include all those characters we’ve seen/heard about from City Hall
3. I wanted April to be walking around half-naked, eye-fucking everyone. She really hates not being on the kinkmeme as much as she thinks she should be. Therefore, she’s going home to put on some mostly-naked clothes, because damn it, people are going to lust after her.
“But you know who is on here with Ben the most?” Donna asks, thoughtfully tapping her phone screen with her pinky.
“Ann,” Leslie says, her voice tight, and everyone whips around to look at her.
Donna smirks. “Not even close, though that’s on there too. Actually, it’s you. In every position, in many scenarios, and doing things I am certain you wouldn’t even know how to pull off.”
Leslie gulps. “That is… all right, I got that, great, just… I am going into my office, now, not to check this board, I have binders- binders that need tending to.” And she bolts for her door.
Once there, she starts texting Ann like crazy, demanding Ann call her now. In between, she reads those boards with a rapt fascination, scrolling past the City Council and the Sewage/intern prompts to see that Donna is correct, and she has been paired up with Ben more times than any other pairing. Who is writing these, and what can they see? Can people just tell she has a thing for Ben?
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t appreciate some of these scenarios, too. There was stuff on here she had to admit had crossed her mind once or twice or every time Ben looked at her in that way he did, like he thought she was Princess Leia or something.
In fact, Ben looking at her has fueled quite a few nights of sexual speculation. She’s not huge into taking care of herself because quite honestly, she is usually so busy she doesn’t have the time to get the candles and the bubble bath and the soft music and all that, but the last time she watched a History Channel documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt she started thinking about powerful women and how they always just take what they want, they don’t wait around for men to do it, they just take control, and she was imagining if Ben was there, she could just tie him to her bedposts with those silly ties-and she isn’t the only one that has thought about that, she notes-but she could just tie him to the bed and explain to him that she’s Leslie Fucking Knope, and he is going to get her off three times, and not get to use his hands either-and before she knew it she was moaning even though there were no candles.
Erika: “Eleanor likes the tongue. #comments that are not meant to be helpful”
There were always candles.
So she’s in the office, contemplating this, it might be the surge of hormones that explains everything that comes later.
I sent Erika the following along with most of the first scene:
“I am going to write this from the perspective of the four women in the office. Ann is going to spend the piece yelling at people (I have a scene where she asks Chris if he wrote a prompt for her, because I love angry Ann), Donna is going to be amused (I have a scene where she and Tom discuss Tom clearly adding prompts for himself) and possibly writing out stories to entertain herself, April is mad that she isn't on the boards very much so she is going to go home and change into something that shows a lot of skin, and Leslie is going to freak out, have some sexual tension with Ben, and sleep with him...somewhere, I haven't worked out where yet. April may also end up sleeping with Andy at work, but that might be offscreen. L/B is going to be on-screen, assuming I don't chicken out, which I might.”
And I didn’t. But I almost did.
***
“Chris, did you prompt this thing?” He might work out three times a day, but Ann has the element of surprise, so when she pops up and pushes her ex against the hallway wall he slams back with a thud.
He blinks at her, entirely off guard. She continues before he can greet her, “You know perfectly well I was not going to do this so now you prompt it in this thing?” She smacks a print-out. “I made my feelings perfectly clear that this is gross.”
I never intended for these two to sleep together.
I like to write late season two/early season three, so I’ve written Ann/Chris before. And I’ve had some fun with it. But originally, when I sat down to write this, my plan was this:
1. Kinkmeme for City Hall
2. Jan Cooper joke
3. Leslie and Ben sleep together for the first time
4. April and Andy sleep together ‘on screen’ too
5. No one else sleeps together, but Ann… something to do with ex boyfriends
6. Two thousand words
I wrote out the first three scenes, and it was already one thousand words. And I thought, this is turning into some complicated plot, there wasn’t supposed to be this much plot. I sighed, and sent it on to Erika. She should have stopped me, but she thought it was great. But she pointed out that Chris should probably be turned on by Ann here-she did slam him against a wall- and that everyone should be turned on in this story, even though I wasn’t going to have everyone get laid.
But it was never my intention to have them sleep together.
“I asked, you said you wouldn’t, I let the matter drop, and that was last year, way back when we were dating. Why would I bring that up now?”
“To fuel your imagination, I don’t know why people are pervs.” Ann lets go of him and starts smoothing down her clothes. “Why are people writing about these things anyway?”
“I assume they are emotionally invested in seeing people they enjoy enjoy themselves," Chris says.
“Maybe.”
“Plus masturbation is good for the body. Endorphins!”
“That’s probably closer to the truth. But I don’t see why they couldn’t just write their own characters rather than using real people who just want to go about their lives without thinking about strangers… it’s just weird to think about.”
Chris isn’t the type that shrugs, but he looks thoughtful for a moment. “Probably feels more real when it’s someone they feel like they know.”
One anonymous commenter really liked this line. I had to treat this story realistically-well, as realistic as I could-and think about it, how weird would it be if there was a kinkmeme involving you and your coworkers? And some of those coworkers were your exes? Even though the two of them aren’t really friends at this point, they do have a past, and I could see them having a discussion about how weird this message board is and what the hell are people thinking writing these?
At the same time, the kinkmeme for the show is weird, and everyone once in a while that just hits me. What are we doing here, and why?
They pause when April struts by, wearing a tank top/mini skirt that leaves little to imagination. She takes a moment to pose against the wall, looking down at herself and then giving them both full-on body scans, all while biting her pinky. Then she turns, slaps her ass, and walks away.
Chris sighs. “That is… I need April to stop dressing like that here. I am going to get Ben to talk to her. Or maybe I should get a woman to do that; I don’t want to open up the city to a lawsuit. Maybe Leslie Knope could talk to her, she is a model employee who also wears work- appropriate clothing.”
Just then Leslie sprints down the hallway. Leslie’s wearing that purple dress Ann had made her buy for a date- not for work. She’s all cleavage in that dress, and even Councilman Houser’s eyes are glued to her.
Originally Ben and Leslie were walking down the hallway in this scene, but I wanted to delay the two of them seeing each other, and have their first post-kinkmeme scene on screen.
“Don’t we have an HR department to handle these things? That’s how it works at the hospital.”
Just a nod to the way the show has, say, Chris tell Tom he has to sell his Snakehole shares at the bar rather than filling out paperwork and going through appropriate channels blah blah blah.
“You know, I should look into that. Great idea, Ann Perkins.” He flashes her a smile, and Ann shuts him down.
“Don’t think I don’t have my eye on you, and all the men in this building.”
“Not that I don’t appreciate your eyes on me,” says Chris, putting up his hands. “But I am not the only person you were linked with on board. In fact, you were linked with many other people.”
“I know. I already pinned Tom to a desk and I smacked Jerry on the back of the head,” Ann says, cracking her knuckles.
Obviously Ann can’t yell at Andy. There’s a weird line that goes up when your ex is married, and she’s not going to cross that.
“I don’t think you were linked with Jerry.”
“He just bugs me. Besides, didn’t you tell us not to read the boards?”
“I am a human being, I am curious just like everyone else.”
“Of course you are. Well, as soon as I find out who is up to this, I am going to make them regret it. I’m a nurse, I know how to do all sorts of things laypeople do not.” His eyes linger on her, giving her a warm look she remembers from back when he would- and she realizes that perhaps she should not be using lines to threaten her exes that she used to use in the bedroom. And not that she wouldn’t go for that again-but no, that’s a terrible idea, no matter how many prompts she’s spent the morning analyzing. She finishes up with as much annoyance as she can muster. “You remember that, Chris.”
“Noted, Ann Perkins.”
***
“Tom, stop prompting yourself on these boards.”
“What are you talking about, Donna-on-me? I am not prompting anything, those must be my fans.”
Donna stirs her coffee and rolls her eyes. “Let’s see. Tom Haverford/the ladies of Pawnee. Tom shows the women his hot collection of hats, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
“Lots of women like hats. And lots of women like Tom Haverford, dope club owner,” says Tom, rubbing his fingers over his suit lapel.
“Right, that must be why they prompted Tom Haverford/bachelorette party. Tom buys women pomegranate drinks in his club, which has half-price drink specials on Wednesdays, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
Callback to 2x23.
“Lots of people go to the Snakehole.”
“Or this one. Tom Haverford/Ann Perkins. Tom shows Ann his collection of scarves. She likes them. A lot.”
Real prompt!
“That could have been Ann.” But Tom is starting to look a little depressed, so she knows he knows she knows.
“Is that why you have been rubbing your arm and wincing whenever you think I am not looking? Don’t you know that woman is stronger than she looks?” Donna smirks to herself. Tom is cute, but kind of an idiot.
Tom’s such a weakling.
“All women fall for the Haverford charm eventually. You will too, just give it time.”
“I will keep that in mind.” And she might. She’s been reading a lot of prompts, and since most of them focus on her and her Benz…. A woman can only take so much. “You just wish you had half the prompts I do. And stories! At least two stories, which are both great. Unfortunately, they are both with that little idiot you hang out with, who doesn’t even work here.”
“Jean-Ralphio has more prompts than me? This is just ridiculous.”
I had to put a little Jean-Ralphio in here. Plus you know Donna’s hooked up with J-R.
***
When I first wrote the Ann-shoves-Chris scene, I included Leslie walking down the hall with Ben, his eyes glued to her cleavage, and it was the wrong way to go. Why have their first post-kinkmeme meeting offscreen? I think this was a much stronger choice
Leslie sees Ben from across the hallway and throws off her blazer. She has switched outfits-large car trunks are so necessary-and her new one is a little cleavage-y. Yeah, Ann told her this was a date outfit, not a work outfit, but whatever-the rules went out the window today.
She doesn’t even pause over the blazer. It’ll find its way back to her. Blazers are kinda her thing, everyone knows that.
On television, no one ever seems terribly worried about their possessions. Or says ‘hello’ on the phone or pays for a cab.
Meta. Boom.
Ben gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and starts with, “I just want you to know I had nothing to do with-that site has nothing to do with-“
She ignores that. “Ben, I had some suggestions about fundraising for Lot 48. I know you and Chris put that on the backburner for now, but there is no reason we can’t be brainstorming, right?” She bounces slightly, and Ben’s eyes drift down to the dress. “And I know what you are thinking: bake sale. But I was hoping-“
Ben looks her in the eyes, and interrupts. “Leslie, I think we should go to my office-“
He’s already on the same page!
“And discuss this website.”
“Yes! And bake sales.”
Ben is agonizingly slow at opening the door. Leslie wants to just shove him out the way and open the door herself, but she holds back, forces herself to breathe deeply.
She bounds into his office and pushes past him, perching on the edge of his desk, forcing him to stand in front of her and look down. She waits, digging her fingernails into her palm, because she is going to wait to see what he is going to say.
“Leslie.” He pauses, apparently trying to kill her, that jerk. “Leslie, I know everyone is talking about this message board, and-as you might be aware-even though I know you didn’t read the board, no one’s reading them I am sure-but you are probably aware, we are on there. We, as in you and I. Together.”
Ben is feeling pretty confident post-3x13, having talked to Ann. Going on that road trip, he clearly has some ideas about how it’s all going to play out. But the kinkmeme is throwing him. And really, who wouldn’t have their confidence a little shaken by a kinkmeme? This makes things all sorts of awkward for him, since he in fact does want to sleep with him employee, only now it looks like he wants to sleep with everyone
Leslie is almost drawing blood, but she is not going to say anything.
“And I just want you know I had nothing to do with this, absolutely nothing. I respect you-“
She notices his eyes snap back to her eyes.
“Not that I don’t-but I didn’t put it on the internet. I would never-I would just ask you to prom-or, since we aren’t in high school, to dinner. Which-”
“I know, Ben. Of course you didn’t put up the board. You so rarely do anything bad, I bet you never let your parking meter expire or are late returning your- ugh- library books. You are so good.”
She pushes her arms together. It’s a trick Lindsay taught her back in junior high when they used to talk about boys and practice kissing. Ben is going love this cleavage.
Lindsay and Leslie used to practice kissing each other, if that wasn’t clear. This was never something I did as a kid-I had really boring friends- but plenty of people did.
“I mean, I bet you would never do half the stuff we are doing in someone’s imagination apparently.” She pulls her phone out of her bra-there are no pockets on this dress. “I mean, look at these-“ she scrolls- “I bet you never would let me give you a blow job under your desk, much less-this one gets much more specific-much less while Chris was in the room.”
Another real prompt, that got written into a story.
Ben looks down, and Leslie falters for a moment, because his hair is so distracting. She continues.
I have some friends that love the Ben-hair-porn, but I have no idea how to write the extra character of Ben’s hair. These are my attempts.
“And I don’t forsee you being into spanking-giving or receiving-“ Leslie pauses a moment, lets the idea wash over her, “and I bet you would never want to do this-look at this insane one-thing where I reward you or punish you based on-oooh- if you can name the presidents in the correct order.”
Ben makes a noise in the back on his throat, and Leslie looks up. His jaw is tense, and she can see the veins in his neck working overtime.
“I know, right? Obviously, I would have to go with something much harder. Maybe recite the Declaration of Independence. I do love the Declaration of Independence. I had it memorized before I graduated high school, but I was an overachiever. Let’s see, how does it go? ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind-‘”
“Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…” Ben interrupts her, continues on.
He is standing stock still, reciting, and Leslie’s stomach is all butterflies. She was not even aware this was a thing she wanted, that she wanted nothing more than to hear Ben saying those words.
Considering how terrible he is at speaking on television, he is excellent at giving his speech. His voice is warm and deep, and listening to him talk about overcoming tyranny is almost the dirtiest thing she’s ever heard.
By the time he get to the part about absolving allegiances, he is smirking, finishing up with “’And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.’”
He walks over to her, stands toe-to-toe, and waits. Just waits. Looks fine while he does it, apparently he is much better at handling anticipation than she is. She looks right back, she is not going to break, she is not going to be the one who breaks…
“Well, Leslie?” he says, folding his arms, cocking his head at her, eyes never leaving hers.
Leslie can feel herself start to perspire, wants to fan her neck, but she stares right back. “In. It’s inalienable. Not unalienable.”
I think Leslie would love the musical 1776. It’s amazing, and you should find it on DVD and watch it. Get the uncut version. Anyway, there’s a joke in there about in verse un.
“Wrong,” Ben says, much more at ease than he was when they first entered the office. “Just plain wrong.”
“I memorized this, I know this.”
“You might know this, but you are still mistaken. Just incorrect.”
“I know everything worth knowing about the founding documents.”
“How many signers?”
“Please. Fixty-six. Franklin was the oldest. Rutledge was the youngest. McKean, that tease, kept everyone waiting for five years.”
I’m a nerd for the American Revolution. It’s one of my three favorite time periods to read about.
“How big is it?” Ben asks, his eyebrow quirking up. Leslie’s throat dries up, and Ben smirks at her. The silence seems to stretch, for a moment, and then he continues. “The Declaration…?”
Erika kept saying Leslie’s got to react to that question, and I kept not getting what she was talking about, because somehow in the middle of the kink fic I didn’t think of that line as a double entendre. He’s asking about the Declaration, not his penis!
“Twenty nine and three-quarters inches by twenty four and a half inches.”
He blinks at her.
“I am excellent at knowing precisely how long something is,” she says, rebounding quickly once she’s back in her element.
“You’re still wrong on un verses in.”
“You wanna bet?” The words are out before she can think them through, but-right or wrong, this could be interesting.
“What are the terms?”
“We look this up. If I am right, and I am, you do something for me from these prompts. If you are right, you get to pick.”
It’s the return of Devious Leslie! She’s my favorite Leslie to write about.
“Leslie, you realize what you’re saying, here, right?”
She looks him dead in the eye, resists the urge to grab him right there. It is like there’s a fragile soap bubble between them, a giant bubble made with one of those huge wands, and the bubble was shimmering in the summer sun, and Leslie, just as she had felt when she was a young, wanted nothing more than to plunge her hands into that bubble and feel it splatter. She could feel herself tight with anticipation, like she was that preteen again who barely understood herself sexually but knew she wanted nothing more than to pop that bubble, and knew that when she did her body would react with an excitement she wasn’t able to put a name to until her Psychology of Sexuality class in college.
“Absolutely. And I will meet you at five o’clock, here, and we’re going to go over this question, in detail.”
Ben doesn’t falter. “See you then, Leslie.”
Let’s talk about pacing.
First off, the inevitable dash of pretension. Shakespeare understood the importance of moving a story along quickly. Consider Romeo and Juliet. The story he took that from took place over several months; he rolls it out over a week.
I wanted to keep the action limited to one day. I could believe everyone would lose their minds over this kinkmeme for a day, and do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. If they had time to think about it, no one-except Donna, I love Donna, and Tom, who hates his job-would have sex at work.
In this and many other ways, I am exactly like Shakespeare./inevitable overkill of pretention.
On to part two!
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 8.5k for the story, 4k commentary
Rating: R.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you all a crisp $20 bill for Christmas
Author’s Note: This is the companion piece to the DVD commentary for Parallel Lines, Touching.
Read the original here.
Part two of the commentary
This prompt is amazing. I was skimming through the kinkmeme, and none of the prompts really grabbed me, because honestly, “person+person have some form of sex” is boring. I need something else, something fun, something with a story.I saw this prompt and I clapped, I was so excited. Here’s something with a story-interesting premise, and who is responding how and to what?
Someone on the meme said they thought it should be April who started the RPF kink meme, but my immediate thought when I saw this prompt was
1. clap
2. Joe from Sewage did it, obviously
3. I can’t let it just be the Parks Department, I want to bring in the whole City Hall, because I want to bring in as many cracked- out prompts as I can.
I don’t know who prompted this, but whoever you are, I loved it and I want you to prompt me some more awesome ideas.
As for the timeline, I wanted to bring Leslie and Ben together, but I also wanted Ann working at City Hall since all her exes work(ed) there too, so I fudged it a bit.
***
Chris is bringing yet another morning meeting to an end with the usual reminders-clean your leftovers out of the fridge in the cafeteria, but don’t leave them in your car because some raccoons can open doors, and please stop feeding the raccoons, they are learning to open doors- when he turns serious.
“Over the weekend our IT department, Jason, was browsing some sites that I am sure are not what they sound like when he found a site specific to the Pawnee City Hall. Someone has started a ‘kinkmeme’ for City Hall employees. People leave ‘prompts’ with names and sexual acts, and then other people write out fictional stories of these sexual encounters.” He slams his hands on the table for emphasis. Meanwhile, people start murmuring to each other.
“Jason has already determined that he cannot remove this board via any legal means, since it is being hosted overseas. Right now, our lawyers are looking into case law to see if there is anything that can be done to serve the site with a cease-and-desist, but as of right now, our hands are tied. Which, actually, is one of the prompts.”
And here is where my short story went of the rails, one hundred words in. My plan was to write something short-ish, 2000 words, and post it anonymously. I had to have reactions; I couldn’t just start the story with everyone knowing. And I wanted Leslie to tell the department, but how’d she find out? And I can’t just have Chris tell her, he has to make a Pawnee raccoon joke. I’m only human, you realize.
“We are asking that everyone please not look, no matter how tempting it is. We have blocked the site from all work computers, but we ask that you respect yourselves and your coworkers by not visiting the site from personal computers. Please inform your departments about what is happening, and ask them to refrain visiting as well.”
“We are doing everything we can.”
Leslie finishes writing out her notes from the meeting with a “kinkmeme=gross” and closes her padfolio.
When she gathers her own people and repeats almost verbatim what Chris said, with maybe a few more references to how gross the whole thing is, she is surprised to see Tom whip out his phone.
“Whoa, get a look at this, guys!”
Donna drapes a hand on his shoulder and starts reading out loud. “The library is more than represented on this thing. And it sounds like everyone thinks the librarians are some dirty birds.”
Fun fact: I’ve never prompted anything on the kinkmeme boards, ever.
Ron looks up from the pole he is leaning against, and lazily lifts a hand from his crossed arms. “I can confirm that is absolutely true.”
Donna looks over at him with undisguised glee. “And that might be why you are on here with your ex. And with several other librarians. That’s going to enrage Tammy.”
“I am going in my office. No one is to come in there. If my ex-wife shows up, tell her I died and left her nothing.”
“Don’t you mean ex-ex-ex wife?” Tom asks, until a glare from Ron cuts off his laughter.
Ron exists, stage left. He would not hang out through this, especially if he got prompted with Tammy 2. Besides, out of everyone on the show, we have seen the most of the Ron’s sexual escapades, compared with the small amount of info we’ve gotten on anyone else’s sex lives.
After the slam of Ron’s door, April, also fiddling with her phone, mutters, “This thing is stupid and also barely anyone even prompted me.”
Andy bangs the door open and roller-skates in. “Hey, Babe, what’s up?” He pulls out his phone. “What’s a kin-kmim?”
April says, “You should know, Andy, everyone wants to see you hook up with everyone. Meanwhile, the only one anyone wants to see me screw is Ben.”
Leslie can feel her chest constrict a little. “April, I am sure no one wants to see you sleep with Ben.”
“Actually, they want everyone to sleep with Ben. Look at this! When you click on his name, people want to see him with… everyone.” Donna starts waving her phone around for emphasis. “You-” She points at April, “And you-” Andy “And both of you together, sometimes to ‘teach a lesson about the proper way to be a roommate/adult-‘”
Ben’s the fandom bicycle.
“We’re awesome roommates,” April says while Andy nods. “Ben is the one that doesn’t understand.”
Donna ignores them, “And they want Tom and Ben to ‘try on suits’ and him and Chris to ‘deal with their issues’ via some really rough sex, sometimes in Pawnee and sometimes before they got here-”
“Who wants to have sex with Chris? Oh, wait, I do, and Ben at the same time, apparently. Glad I didn’t go to Indianapolis after all,” April says, looking annoyed at the phone. “Just three prompts? What is this? I am way better than anyone else here.”
Legit prompt. I borrowed a few actual prompts.
“I don’t like this, I don’t like this at all” Jerry says, chiming in for the first time since Leslie broke the news.
Donna barely glances at him. “Oh, don’t worry, Jerry, you can tell Gail you aren’t even on here.”
“I am sure I am-“
“Nope,” Tom says, “And it looks liked I just haven’t found the section with all my prompts yet.” He looks confident. “I mean, there are even prompts for Mark Brandanowitz. I barely remember that guy. Does he even still live around here?”
Where the hell is Mark these days? Also, I’m not wrong, there’s a few prompts that mention Mark, though I don’t think anyone actually wants to see him have sex. I bet his sex life is boring, really.
Leslie, meanwhile, keeps pulling out her phone and making herself put her phone back in her pocket. Pulls it out, puts it away. Gets a coffee to distract herself, adds in sugar, and then more sugar, and then abandons the coffee on Jerry’s desk so she can stare at her phone some more.
“So this is a sex thing?” Andy asks, looking around. Then he grins “April, we should read these, you know, in bed, as an aphro…periodic” He looks over April’s shoulder. “Who is Jan Cooper, and why is she hosting an orgy?”
All right, here’s the real reason I had to have the kinkmeme cover all of City Hall. I don’t know that Jan Cooper works at CH, but she might, and regardless, that ex of hers would prompt her anyway.
Someone prompted this orgy on the kinkmeme. I assume it’s a joke, but if anyone tackles that, I approve. I discussed this with Erika, who saw the prompt before I did and I had no idea what she was talking about, but we discussed it and I would have fun writing the why everyone was there, but someone else would have to write out the actual sex, because I had enough anxiety writing two people having sex.
“You know, people really hate the DMV. Have you guys seen the DMV prompts? Because wow,” Donna says.
I really like the idea that people are taking their aggression at the DMV out via sex stories.
“I can’t believe I am barely requested on this dumb thing. I am going home, I have to get some stuff,” April says, gathering up stuff. “Andy, you watch my desk, just remember, don’t answer the phone and don’t let anyone at Ron.”
I know that when the prompt was prompted someone wanted to see April behind the Parks-kinkmeme, but
1. It was Joe from Sewage, I already saw that
2. I wanted to include all those characters we’ve seen/heard about from City Hall
3. I wanted April to be walking around half-naked, eye-fucking everyone. She really hates not being on the kinkmeme as much as she thinks she should be. Therefore, she’s going home to put on some mostly-naked clothes, because damn it, people are going to lust after her.
“But you know who is on here with Ben the most?” Donna asks, thoughtfully tapping her phone screen with her pinky.
“Ann,” Leslie says, her voice tight, and everyone whips around to look at her.
Donna smirks. “Not even close, though that’s on there too. Actually, it’s you. In every position, in many scenarios, and doing things I am certain you wouldn’t even know how to pull off.”
Leslie gulps. “That is… all right, I got that, great, just… I am going into my office, now, not to check this board, I have binders- binders that need tending to.” And she bolts for her door.
Once there, she starts texting Ann like crazy, demanding Ann call her now. In between, she reads those boards with a rapt fascination, scrolling past the City Council and the Sewage/intern prompts to see that Donna is correct, and she has been paired up with Ben more times than any other pairing. Who is writing these, and what can they see? Can people just tell she has a thing for Ben?
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t appreciate some of these scenarios, too. There was stuff on here she had to admit had crossed her mind once or twice or every time Ben looked at her in that way he did, like he thought she was Princess Leia or something.
In fact, Ben looking at her has fueled quite a few nights of sexual speculation. She’s not huge into taking care of herself because quite honestly, she is usually so busy she doesn’t have the time to get the candles and the bubble bath and the soft music and all that, but the last time she watched a History Channel documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt she started thinking about powerful women and how they always just take what they want, they don’t wait around for men to do it, they just take control, and she was imagining if Ben was there, she could just tie him to her bedposts with those silly ties-and she isn’t the only one that has thought about that, she notes-but she could just tie him to the bed and explain to him that she’s Leslie Fucking Knope, and he is going to get her off three times, and not get to use his hands either-and before she knew it she was moaning even though there were no candles.
Erika: “Eleanor likes the tongue. #comments that are not meant to be helpful”
There were always candles.
So she’s in the office, contemplating this, it might be the surge of hormones that explains everything that comes later.
I sent Erika the following along with most of the first scene:
“I am going to write this from the perspective of the four women in the office. Ann is going to spend the piece yelling at people (I have a scene where she asks Chris if he wrote a prompt for her, because I love angry Ann), Donna is going to be amused (I have a scene where she and Tom discuss Tom clearly adding prompts for himself) and possibly writing out stories to entertain herself, April is mad that she isn't on the boards very much so she is going to go home and change into something that shows a lot of skin, and Leslie is going to freak out, have some sexual tension with Ben, and sleep with him...somewhere, I haven't worked out where yet. April may also end up sleeping with Andy at work, but that might be offscreen. L/B is going to be on-screen, assuming I don't chicken out, which I might.”
And I didn’t. But I almost did.
***
“Chris, did you prompt this thing?” He might work out three times a day, but Ann has the element of surprise, so when she pops up and pushes her ex against the hallway wall he slams back with a thud.
He blinks at her, entirely off guard. She continues before he can greet her, “You know perfectly well I was not going to do this so now you prompt it in this thing?” She smacks a print-out. “I made my feelings perfectly clear that this is gross.”
I never intended for these two to sleep together.
I like to write late season two/early season three, so I’ve written Ann/Chris before. And I’ve had some fun with it. But originally, when I sat down to write this, my plan was this:
1. Kinkmeme for City Hall
2. Jan Cooper joke
3. Leslie and Ben sleep together for the first time
4. April and Andy sleep together ‘on screen’ too
5. No one else sleeps together, but Ann… something to do with ex boyfriends
6. Two thousand words
I wrote out the first three scenes, and it was already one thousand words. And I thought, this is turning into some complicated plot, there wasn’t supposed to be this much plot. I sighed, and sent it on to Erika. She should have stopped me, but she thought it was great. But she pointed out that Chris should probably be turned on by Ann here-she did slam him against a wall- and that everyone should be turned on in this story, even though I wasn’t going to have everyone get laid.
But it was never my intention to have them sleep together.
“I asked, you said you wouldn’t, I let the matter drop, and that was last year, way back when we were dating. Why would I bring that up now?”
“To fuel your imagination, I don’t know why people are pervs.” Ann lets go of him and starts smoothing down her clothes. “Why are people writing about these things anyway?”
“I assume they are emotionally invested in seeing people they enjoy enjoy themselves," Chris says.
“Maybe.”
“Plus masturbation is good for the body. Endorphins!”
“That’s probably closer to the truth. But I don’t see why they couldn’t just write their own characters rather than using real people who just want to go about their lives without thinking about strangers… it’s just weird to think about.”
Chris isn’t the type that shrugs, but he looks thoughtful for a moment. “Probably feels more real when it’s someone they feel like they know.”
One anonymous commenter really liked this line. I had to treat this story realistically-well, as realistic as I could-and think about it, how weird would it be if there was a kinkmeme involving you and your coworkers? And some of those coworkers were your exes? Even though the two of them aren’t really friends at this point, they do have a past, and I could see them having a discussion about how weird this message board is and what the hell are people thinking writing these?
At the same time, the kinkmeme for the show is weird, and everyone once in a while that just hits me. What are we doing here, and why?
They pause when April struts by, wearing a tank top/mini skirt that leaves little to imagination. She takes a moment to pose against the wall, looking down at herself and then giving them both full-on body scans, all while biting her pinky. Then she turns, slaps her ass, and walks away.
Chris sighs. “That is… I need April to stop dressing like that here. I am going to get Ben to talk to her. Or maybe I should get a woman to do that; I don’t want to open up the city to a lawsuit. Maybe Leslie Knope could talk to her, she is a model employee who also wears work- appropriate clothing.”
Just then Leslie sprints down the hallway. Leslie’s wearing that purple dress Ann had made her buy for a date- not for work. She’s all cleavage in that dress, and even Councilman Houser’s eyes are glued to her.
Originally Ben and Leslie were walking down the hallway in this scene, but I wanted to delay the two of them seeing each other, and have their first post-kinkmeme scene on screen.
“Don’t we have an HR department to handle these things? That’s how it works at the hospital.”
Just a nod to the way the show has, say, Chris tell Tom he has to sell his Snakehole shares at the bar rather than filling out paperwork and going through appropriate channels blah blah blah.
“You know, I should look into that. Great idea, Ann Perkins.” He flashes her a smile, and Ann shuts him down.
“Don’t think I don’t have my eye on you, and all the men in this building.”
“Not that I don’t appreciate your eyes on me,” says Chris, putting up his hands. “But I am not the only person you were linked with on board. In fact, you were linked with many other people.”
“I know. I already pinned Tom to a desk and I smacked Jerry on the back of the head,” Ann says, cracking her knuckles.
Obviously Ann can’t yell at Andy. There’s a weird line that goes up when your ex is married, and she’s not going to cross that.
“I don’t think you were linked with Jerry.”
“He just bugs me. Besides, didn’t you tell us not to read the boards?”
“I am a human being, I am curious just like everyone else.”
“Of course you are. Well, as soon as I find out who is up to this, I am going to make them regret it. I’m a nurse, I know how to do all sorts of things laypeople do not.” His eyes linger on her, giving her a warm look she remembers from back when he would- and she realizes that perhaps she should not be using lines to threaten her exes that she used to use in the bedroom. And not that she wouldn’t go for that again-but no, that’s a terrible idea, no matter how many prompts she’s spent the morning analyzing. She finishes up with as much annoyance as she can muster. “You remember that, Chris.”
“Noted, Ann Perkins.”
***
“Tom, stop prompting yourself on these boards.”
“What are you talking about, Donna-on-me? I am not prompting anything, those must be my fans.”
Donna stirs her coffee and rolls her eyes. “Let’s see. Tom Haverford/the ladies of Pawnee. Tom shows the women his hot collection of hats, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
“Lots of women like hats. And lots of women like Tom Haverford, dope club owner,” says Tom, rubbing his fingers over his suit lapel.
“Right, that must be why they prompted Tom Haverford/bachelorette party. Tom buys women pomegranate drinks in his club, which has half-price drink specials on Wednesdays, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
Callback to 2x23.
“Lots of people go to the Snakehole.”
“Or this one. Tom Haverford/Ann Perkins. Tom shows Ann his collection of scarves. She likes them. A lot.”
Real prompt!
“That could have been Ann.” But Tom is starting to look a little depressed, so she knows he knows she knows.
“Is that why you have been rubbing your arm and wincing whenever you think I am not looking? Don’t you know that woman is stronger than she looks?” Donna smirks to herself. Tom is cute, but kind of an idiot.
Tom’s such a weakling.
“All women fall for the Haverford charm eventually. You will too, just give it time.”
“I will keep that in mind.” And she might. She’s been reading a lot of prompts, and since most of them focus on her and her Benz…. A woman can only take so much. “You just wish you had half the prompts I do. And stories! At least two stories, which are both great. Unfortunately, they are both with that little idiot you hang out with, who doesn’t even work here.”
“Jean-Ralphio has more prompts than me? This is just ridiculous.”
I had to put a little Jean-Ralphio in here. Plus you know Donna’s hooked up with J-R.
***
When I first wrote the Ann-shoves-Chris scene, I included Leslie walking down the hall with Ben, his eyes glued to her cleavage, and it was the wrong way to go. Why have their first post-kinkmeme meeting offscreen? I think this was a much stronger choice
Leslie sees Ben from across the hallway and throws off her blazer. She has switched outfits-large car trunks are so necessary-and her new one is a little cleavage-y. Yeah, Ann told her this was a date outfit, not a work outfit, but whatever-the rules went out the window today.
She doesn’t even pause over the blazer. It’ll find its way back to her. Blazers are kinda her thing, everyone knows that.
On television, no one ever seems terribly worried about their possessions. Or says ‘hello’ on the phone or pays for a cab.
Meta. Boom.
Ben gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and starts with, “I just want you to know I had nothing to do with-that site has nothing to do with-“
She ignores that. “Ben, I had some suggestions about fundraising for Lot 48. I know you and Chris put that on the backburner for now, but there is no reason we can’t be brainstorming, right?” She bounces slightly, and Ben’s eyes drift down to the dress. “And I know what you are thinking: bake sale. But I was hoping-“
Ben looks her in the eyes, and interrupts. “Leslie, I think we should go to my office-“
He’s already on the same page!
“And discuss this website.”
“Yes! And bake sales.”
Ben is agonizingly slow at opening the door. Leslie wants to just shove him out the way and open the door herself, but she holds back, forces herself to breathe deeply.
She bounds into his office and pushes past him, perching on the edge of his desk, forcing him to stand in front of her and look down. She waits, digging her fingernails into her palm, because she is going to wait to see what he is going to say.
“Leslie.” He pauses, apparently trying to kill her, that jerk. “Leslie, I know everyone is talking about this message board, and-as you might be aware-even though I know you didn’t read the board, no one’s reading them I am sure-but you are probably aware, we are on there. We, as in you and I. Together.”
Ben is feeling pretty confident post-3x13, having talked to Ann. Going on that road trip, he clearly has some ideas about how it’s all going to play out. But the kinkmeme is throwing him. And really, who wouldn’t have their confidence a little shaken by a kinkmeme? This makes things all sorts of awkward for him, since he in fact does want to sleep with him employee, only now it looks like he wants to sleep with everyone
Leslie is almost drawing blood, but she is not going to say anything.
“And I just want you know I had nothing to do with this, absolutely nothing. I respect you-“
She notices his eyes snap back to her eyes.
“Not that I don’t-but I didn’t put it on the internet. I would never-I would just ask you to prom-or, since we aren’t in high school, to dinner. Which-”
“I know, Ben. Of course you didn’t put up the board. You so rarely do anything bad, I bet you never let your parking meter expire or are late returning your- ugh- library books. You are so good.”
She pushes her arms together. It’s a trick Lindsay taught her back in junior high when they used to talk about boys and practice kissing. Ben is going love this cleavage.
Lindsay and Leslie used to practice kissing each other, if that wasn’t clear. This was never something I did as a kid-I had really boring friends- but plenty of people did.
“I mean, I bet you would never do half the stuff we are doing in someone’s imagination apparently.” She pulls her phone out of her bra-there are no pockets on this dress. “I mean, look at these-“ she scrolls- “I bet you never would let me give you a blow job under your desk, much less-this one gets much more specific-much less while Chris was in the room.”
Another real prompt, that got written into a story.
Ben looks down, and Leslie falters for a moment, because his hair is so distracting. She continues.
I have some friends that love the Ben-hair-porn, but I have no idea how to write the extra character of Ben’s hair. These are my attempts.
“And I don’t forsee you being into spanking-giving or receiving-“ Leslie pauses a moment, lets the idea wash over her, “and I bet you would never want to do this-look at this insane one-thing where I reward you or punish you based on-oooh- if you can name the presidents in the correct order.”
Ben makes a noise in the back on his throat, and Leslie looks up. His jaw is tense, and she can see the veins in his neck working overtime.
“I know, right? Obviously, I would have to go with something much harder. Maybe recite the Declaration of Independence. I do love the Declaration of Independence. I had it memorized before I graduated high school, but I was an overachiever. Let’s see, how does it go? ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind-‘”
“Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…” Ben interrupts her, continues on.
He is standing stock still, reciting, and Leslie’s stomach is all butterflies. She was not even aware this was a thing she wanted, that she wanted nothing more than to hear Ben saying those words.
Considering how terrible he is at speaking on television, he is excellent at giving his speech. His voice is warm and deep, and listening to him talk about overcoming tyranny is almost the dirtiest thing she’s ever heard.
By the time he get to the part about absolving allegiances, he is smirking, finishing up with “’And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.’”
He walks over to her, stands toe-to-toe, and waits. Just waits. Looks fine while he does it, apparently he is much better at handling anticipation than she is. She looks right back, she is not going to break, she is not going to be the one who breaks…
“Well, Leslie?” he says, folding his arms, cocking his head at her, eyes never leaving hers.
Leslie can feel herself start to perspire, wants to fan her neck, but she stares right back. “In. It’s inalienable. Not unalienable.”
I think Leslie would love the musical 1776. It’s amazing, and you should find it on DVD and watch it. Get the uncut version. Anyway, there’s a joke in there about in verse un.
“Wrong,” Ben says, much more at ease than he was when they first entered the office. “Just plain wrong.”
“I memorized this, I know this.”
“You might know this, but you are still mistaken. Just incorrect.”
“I know everything worth knowing about the founding documents.”
“How many signers?”
“Please. Fixty-six. Franklin was the oldest. Rutledge was the youngest. McKean, that tease, kept everyone waiting for five years.”
I’m a nerd for the American Revolution. It’s one of my three favorite time periods to read about.
“How big is it?” Ben asks, his eyebrow quirking up. Leslie’s throat dries up, and Ben smirks at her. The silence seems to stretch, for a moment, and then he continues. “The Declaration…?”
Erika kept saying Leslie’s got to react to that question, and I kept not getting what she was talking about, because somehow in the middle of the kink fic I didn’t think of that line as a double entendre. He’s asking about the Declaration, not his penis!
“Twenty nine and three-quarters inches by twenty four and a half inches.”
He blinks at her.
“I am excellent at knowing precisely how long something is,” she says, rebounding quickly once she’s back in her element.
“You’re still wrong on un verses in.”
“You wanna bet?” The words are out before she can think them through, but-right or wrong, this could be interesting.
“What are the terms?”
“We look this up. If I am right, and I am, you do something for me from these prompts. If you are right, you get to pick.”
It’s the return of Devious Leslie! She’s my favorite Leslie to write about.
“Leslie, you realize what you’re saying, here, right?”
She looks him dead in the eye, resists the urge to grab him right there. It is like there’s a fragile soap bubble between them, a giant bubble made with one of those huge wands, and the bubble was shimmering in the summer sun, and Leslie, just as she had felt when she was a young, wanted nothing more than to plunge her hands into that bubble and feel it splatter. She could feel herself tight with anticipation, like she was that preteen again who barely understood herself sexually but knew she wanted nothing more than to pop that bubble, and knew that when she did her body would react with an excitement she wasn’t able to put a name to until her Psychology of Sexuality class in college.
“Absolutely. And I will meet you at five o’clock, here, and we’re going to go over this question, in detail.”
Ben doesn’t falter. “See you then, Leslie.”
Let’s talk about pacing.
First off, the inevitable dash of pretension. Shakespeare understood the importance of moving a story along quickly. Consider Romeo and Juliet. The story he took that from took place over several months; he rolls it out over a week.
I wanted to keep the action limited to one day. I could believe everyone would lose their minds over this kinkmeme for a day, and do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. If they had time to think about it, no one-except Donna, I love Donna, and Tom, who hates his job-would have sex at work.
In this and many other ways, I am exactly like Shakespeare./inevitable overkill of pretention.
On to part two!