DVD Commentary: The Day the Kinkmeme Came to Pawnee (2/2)
Title: The Day the Kinkmeme Came to Pawnee: the DVD Commentary
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 8.5k for the story, 4k commentary
Rating: R.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you all a crisp $20 bill for Christmas
Author’s Note: This is the companion piece to the DVD commentary for Parallel Lines, Touching.
Read the original here.
Part one of the commentary
***
I like to give myself challenges.
For instance, I can’t just write sex, I have to have a plot. And ten characters. And prompts real and fake. And four points-of-view, two which I have never written before.
But this pair of scenes? It’s ridiculous. Eight people, two tables, told from two points of view? What?
It was a blast to write, even though I had to make charts. And use chess pieces to block out who was where and when.
“You should just go for it, Leslie.”
“Ann, are you sure? I mean, what am I doing here? This is crazy. Isn’t it? Ann, it’s crazy. You’d tell me if it was crazy, right? I mean, Ann, it’s crazy.”
Ann pulls two salads out of her lunchbag and gives one to Leslie. Leslie is panicking about this Ben business, but all Ann really wants to do is eat her salad and get back to reading this one kink fic about Dexhart and the mayor and three gallons of pickle relish. These stories are addictive.
There was supposed to be a joke about how Leslie doesn’t eat her salad, but I dropped the ball on this one.
Leslie, meanwhile, doesn’t even notice that Ann’s not paying attention, and keeps going. Ann tries to tune in every so often, but Gunderson is pulling out a spatula, and that requires most of her brain. “Ann-he’s just-I don’t-Jefferson himself-can’t play the violin-all winter-marshmallows-”
Thomas Jefferson played the violin. Yet another 1776 reference.
Once she finished reading her dirty story, Ann pledges to remain focused on Leslie.
“Of course you should go for it. You send him so many smolder-y looks that the rest of us are brushing excess sparks off of us constantly.”
“What’s going on?” Donna asks, grabbing a seat. “Come on, there are no secrets in the courtyard.”
“Just talking about these dirty stories,” Ann says, sending Donna a look she hopes radiates sincerity.
Donna looks slightly dubious but takes the bait. “Ann, you’re a doctor-“
“No I am not.”
Callback to 3x09.
“I think you need to hold a meeting with the people in this building, because apparently some of them have only a tenuous grasp on how sex works. Look at this-“
“You have to actually show me-“
“Trust me, if that was possible, I would have done it. And I have tried!”
“I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable than holding a meeting here to talk about sex with my coworkers. Stuart would-“
4x01, of course, and Stuart, her temporary-yet-current-to-the-story office mate.
“I have been trying to review each of these stories, but it’s really cutting into my writing time,” Donna says.
I can’t even explain how gratifying it is to get comments on your fic. Often, when you are writing, you wonder if anyone’s going to like it. And, at least personally, I tend to assume people won’t. I’ve sent Erika more than one ‘oh my god they are going to kick me out of this fandom why did I post that?’ email. So if Donna’s started writing fic, I’m sure she’d be good about commenting. Better than I am, because I sometimes don’t actually comment on stuff I love.
Leslie looks scandalized. “You can’t do that!”
Ann gives a sidelong glance, raises an eyebrow. Leslie at least has the self-awareness to look chagrined.
“I need your help, Ann. There’s one prompt I want to do, ‘Chris Traeger/Andy Dwyer: the most enthusiastic sex ever! and I feel you are in a unique position.”
There just doesn’t seem to be much slash in our fandom. I don’t get it; I remember my friend writing Harry Potter fan fic in high school and slash was just huge. I’m a little disappointed in our fandom, really. Half the point of fan fic is to subvert the norms presented to us by the media. Or at the very least, to see hot characters have hot sex.
Ann sighs, “Great.”
Donna grins. “Or rather, you used to be in a unique position. Or two unique positions.”
Leslie breaks in to the conversation, though she seems more focused on herself than helping Ann out. She’ll take it, though.
“Donna, you have a satisfying sex life-“
Donna takes a bite of her pizza. “Leslie, I realize you are wound up tight, but I don’t play that way.” She pulls out her phone again, “Despite that fic about you and me and the ball gag you so desperately need.”
“I was just wondering if you have condoms. On you- I mean, in you- your purse.”
I have no idea why that line makes me laugh, but I do, every time
“Always. You should too, you know. You never know when something is going to happen.” Donna raises an eyebrow at Leslie, who looks embarrassed.
“I know, I should-“
“After all, according to this right here, Ben is going to take you from behind while you are at a podium. Gotta be ready.”
Leslie chokes on her Vitners. Donna, meanwhile, pulls out some condoms and slips them into Leslie’s purse. Then she looks across the courtyard at Chris, who is pausing from his post-run stretching to refuel.
“Hey, Traeger, nice carrot!” Chris smiles at that and jogs over to the table while the church bells across the street chime noon. Ann smiles at him self-consciously, but if he’s nervous she’s going to slam him against a wall again, he isn’t showing it. He points at each of them, saying their names, and doesn’t notice when Leslie blushes and looks away.
I posted this story two days after 4x10, but I wrote this scene before they released that Chris/Tammy 2 deleted scene for 4x09. It was gratifying that he really is terrible at double entendres.
“Thank you, Donna, carrots are great for the immune system. They just did a study that showed that they might offer protection against lung disease.”
“That’s great, because you are smokin’ today.”
Chris smiles. “Donna, you are hilarious. And that shade of blue is extra becoming on you.”
“’Be-coming’ is goal, daily.” She winked at Leslie, who suddenly moved her purse under the table.
“Dressing well is always important, and you always do,” says Chris.
“That’s what I am talking about, right.” Donna shakes her head and mutters, “It’s a good thing you are good looking.”
Ann nods.
Tom joins them while Leslie is telling everyone about the mysterious package that arrived via carrier service today, and how this may mean that Ron is never going to leave his office again. She tells them she is going to go try to talk Ron out of his office, and she jumps up, purse held tightly to her body, and out of the courtyard.
Tammy 2 sent Ron a package, but Ron’s not leaving his office so he has no idea what’s in there.
“Chris, nice run, am I right?” Tom says, fist bumping him. Ann refuses, because no, and he doesn’t fistbump Donna but gives her a genuine smile. “How’s it hanging at the hottest table in the courtyard?”
“Things literally could not be better. Carrot?”
Tom shakes his head. “I was just coming over here to talk to Donna. Can I join you?”
Ann says, “No,” and he sits down across the table from Ann, and naturally that means Chris sits down next to her in Leslie’s vacated seat, and of course. If it’s not one ex sitting next to her at lunch, its it's another doing… whatever is going on across the courtyard with Andy, April… and Ben? Seriously, what is going on over there?
Ann’s aware that she’d be violating social taboos to throw a now-married Andy against a wall for the kinkmeme, but she hasn’t forgotten they used to date.
“Ann, how’s City Hall treating you? You’ve been here, what, a week?” Tom says.
Ann starts, “A week and a half. And I like it. I am staying out of trouble-“
Chris unconsciously touches his arm, while Tom rubs his chest.
“Mostly staying out of trouble. It’s… strange starting a new job, after working at just one place for about a decade. It’s fun, it’s new, but I feel like the weird new girl, not sure who to sit next to at lunch.”
Beautiful Ann is not used to having to try to make friends. Chris isn’t, either, but he’s also much more confident and sure of himself, so he’s the type to just assume people want to eat with him. And honestly, most people who are confident enough to pull that off are not going to get rejected.
Chris immediately launches into his sympathy face. “I have been the new guy consistently for fifteen years, and I can honestly say that I have always had someone to sit next to at lunch. Wait, there was one time… no. Always.”
“Wouldn’t the answer be Leslie? Isn’t the answer always Leslie?” Donna asks, rolling her eyes.
“I refuse to believe a fine drink of water like yourself has ever sat alone at lunch,” Tom says, slipping into his smooth operator routine.
“Thank you all for your help,” Ann says, burying her face in her hands.
The point of this digression is that Ann’s feeling vulnerable, being in a new place. She’s bad at flirting, she’s never been dumped-she’s not used to having to make friends on her own.
Waving her hands, Donna says, “This topic is boring. Let’s talk about the kinkmeme some more.”
“Actually we really shouldn’t-“ But Chris is cut off mid-sentence by Tom.
“Ann, you have already had two stories written about you. How do you feel about that?”
Ann hasn’t seen those, as she has been too busy reading stories about the mayor. “No there aren’t!” and she hopes she’s correct.
Donna laughs. “You’re in for a surprise.”
With some trepidation, Ann pulls out her phone. There’s one that’s… oh wow, her and Leslie, because Ann is always sacrificing for Leslie. Now that Leslie’s chasing Ben, Ann’s a little lonely. So when Leslie comes over for girl talk, Ann needs some comfort. Things get a little sticky after that… She scrolls through the fic, which is very, very detailed, and she feels a little fluttery. She has missed Leslie, but that doesn’t mean she’s lonely. Just, alone. But not lonely. And even if she was, that doesn’t mean she’d just roll around with the nearest warm body. Probably. Especially since the nearest warm body was her ex. Or Donna.
I realized late in the game that one pair that didn’t get to have any sexual tension was Ann/Leslie. This was a nod to that, but I wish I’d done more.
The reference to the warm-body-is-her-ex is part of my continuing quest to make people think Ann’s going to hook up with Chris, not Tom.
She looks up to three curious faces, and answers the unasked question. “This is… fine. Leslie and I never-but I guess it isn’t that embarrassing. Let me find the other one.” She keeps going and when she finds it she can feel her whole body blush. “Tom, are you kidding? What is this?”
Tom answers, “I didn’t-“
But Ann’s starting to get annoyed. “You wrote this damn scarf thing! What is this? I would never-this is-when I get my hands on you I am going to snap you in half.“
Tom didn’t write the scarf thing. He wrote the prompt, but he lacks to the follow-through to write out a story to accompany it.
Chris cuts in. “You are not. You can’t-“
She narrows her eyes at him instead. “I don’t care-“
“Well, you have to care, this is absolutely work-inappropriate. I can’t stop you guys from looking at your phones, and fine, I am too, but you are not going to threaten other employees, Ann.” Chris says, his face almost looking angry.
Chris doesn’t like confronting his employees, but I’m also letting Ann cross some major lines. And she also threw him against a wall this morning. He’s gotta be annoyed.
Ann sighs and says, “Fine. Tom, I’m sorry.”
Donna is eating M&Ms with rapt fascination. “Now, that was kinkmeme worthy.”
A callback to Donna eating popcorn while watching Ann and Chris discuss their sexy past in 4x07.
Chris looks like he’s about to say something, then thinks better of it, shakes his head.
Ann, meanwhile, mouths to Tom, after work, we’re gonna talk. She shuts her mouth when another shadow crosses the table.
Donna smacks the table. “And here’s the man of the hour. Ben, how are you feeling to be the star of the kink meme? The only person even approaching you is Ethel Beavers.”
Tom whips around to Donna, “Beavers? Hot. She sounds fly.”
“Is there no other topic this entire building can discuss? Just when I think Pawnee is special, this stupid- I am going to my office, and I am not coming out, this whole thing is just too much” Ben says, his ranting growing fainter as he stomps away.
“That boy needs to get laid,” Donna says, and no one disagrees.
***
And now we start the scene over from April’s point-of-view from across the courtyard. I had to make a chart to make sure everything lined up correctly.
In order to emphasize that everyone’s lunch is taking place at the same time, I added the church bells to play when Chris walks over to Ann’s table/when April struts into the courtyard and walks over to Ben and Andy.
Lunch: Ann’s table and pov verses April’s point of view (offscreen in italics)Ann and Leslie eat saladAndy and Ben are eating; Chris is cooling down from his run next to themDonna joins themeating, coolingDonna calls Chris overChris leaves Ben and AndyChris comes over; church bellsApril walks outside; church bellsLeslie exits the courtyard to go insideApril sits down on the other side of BenTom joins themApril starts mocking Ben and kissing AndyChris and Tom sit down with Donna and AnnLeslie comes back outside, walks over to April’s tableAnn finds her two stories; threatens TomBen and Leslie talk; April theorizesChris tells Ann to cool itBen leaves April’s table, and goes to Ann’s tableBen comes overLeslie sits down, asks April about her outfitBen stomps awayLeslie, April, Andy sitDonna’s last line Leslie, April, Andy sit
April struts over to Andy, heels clacking, cafeteria lunch in hand. She stumbles-stupid moron shoes- but saves it by looking extra-bored by the whole walking thing. She can hear those stupid noon church bells since she’s outside, and they’re annoying, just shut up, bells.
Originally, I wanted April to just wander around looking hot and eye-fucking everyone she saw.
But after reading the first section, just the first section, Erika said, “I've been talking to [cypanache] too much, because I'm suddenly picturing April/Andy in bed reading about April/Ben as an aphroperiodical, and deciding that it's really hot and they need to lure him into a nonfictional threesome. That's where you're obviously going with this. Right?”
As usual, blame her for the things I write, because she never shuts me down when she should. In fact, she gives me ideas far worse than anything I can dream up.
Andy’s eyes go big and dark, and she can read his mind. Granted, he’s also shifting around in his chair, which makes things a little obvious to her, but there’s that.
“April, Ben and I were just talking about the porn thing. And Chris was too, but he’s over there now.”
“Actually, you’re talking about it. I’m trying to read this budget report. Not that that ever stops you.”
“We’re talking about how weird it is that so many people are invested in City Hall having sex.”
“Except me I am still barely on those boards. You have more prompts than I do. Ben has the most. Why do you have so many, Ben?” asks April.
“I’m not talking about this, April.”
She slides into the seat on the other side of him.
“I bet you’re the one writing them. You just want an excuse to bang everyone.”
There’s a note of warning in his tone, but who cares? “April, we’re at work-“
“I know. But you apparently don’t care. That’s why you want everyone to write about you. You and Chris. You and Tom. You and Leslie, even though you are both boring. You and I.” She looks him in the eye, challenging him, and he looks away first. “There’s even one on here for you and me and Andy.”
“Good lord.”
“It’ll be like that time you walked in on us having sex-“
“You were in my room!”
Andy breaks in from his imaginary guitar-strumming to add in, “I remember that!” And then he goes back to his music
“You definitely lingered in the doorway.”
He was contemplating what needed to be sterilized.
Really.
“April-“
April continues. “And we all know-and when I say ‘all’ I mean the entirety of Pawnee-that you’ve had gay thoughts.”
“Sexuality does not fit into boxes-look, stop it.”
“And you definitely were checking me out today.”
“You’re half-stop it, April-naked, that’s why,” Ben says, removing her hand from his thigh.
April was mostly just bringing this up to screw with him, the same reason she always moved his stuff around just so in the fridge and dumped out his Tide and replaced it with bubble bath. But she had never touched Ben before, and between the sarcastic groping and his hand on hers, she might just be willing to make her offer legit. Andy would go along with it, he would. And he isn’t protesting, not that he’s paying attention, but he isn’t protesting.
Bubble bath referencing 3x11, of course.
And I can picture Andy agreeing to a threesome if April wanted it. In my head!canon, Andy and Ann always had pretty vanilla sex, but April’s got an excellent imagination combined with a lifetime of internet access, so she’s pretty adventurous.
Ben’s going on about the dress code, like some City Hall employee handbook come to boring life, and she’s considering exactly how a threesome would go. She wonders if he’s ever done anything like that. Probably not, he’s probably missionary position on Tuesdays with the lights off.
So in the middle of the lecture she leans across Ben, hand on his shoulder, and pulls Andy in for a kiss. Ben actually stops talking and leans backwards, so April rights herself again.
“Don’t do that, you two, it’s-just don’t.”
“Why, does it make you… uncomfortable?”
“Yes!”
She leans in, reaches for Ben’s far shoulder, and flips herself half in his lap, facing up, and Andy leans in to kiss her again, and Ben is trying to push away from the table but he’s having difficulty escaping. It’s kind of exciting, really, and if not for the laws she might just rip off her tank top right there. But then Andy pulls away and asks her if she wants to go make out at his shoestand, and she can see through the window that Kyle’s waiting there, but that’s never stopped them before, so she agrees. She doesn’t get out of Ben’s lap right away, though, even when she notices Leslie making a beeline for their table.
I intended to write an on-camera love scene for April and Andy, but I chickened out.
Now, why does April stick around when she could be making out? Because she’s feeling a little possessive of Ben and his recently discovered hotness.
Also, Kyle’s the only named CH employee (besides Stuart) that I don’t name in a prompt. This is because I was including last names on the prompts since it’s the entirety of City Hall being prompted. And I didn’t want to step out of canon? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I didn’t want to give him a fake last name.
She tells Andy to wait a minute, climbs out of Ben’s lap but puts a hand on his shoulder, casually, possessively. If Leslie notices, she doesn’t say anything, but Ben shakes her off with a real sense of force and purpose.
It’s kind of hot, for Ben.
Leslie starts in, “April, after lunch I need you to help me get Ron out of his office.”
April has no intention of doing that. “I bet he left.”
“Ben, I have those grant proposals for the observatory and they are almost done. Do you want me to bring them by, say, at the end of the day?”
Ben looks at her, and then looks at his hand, and then back at her. “You probably should. No rush. How much are you shooting for with the Gurke grant?”
Gurke for Laura Lee Guhrke, who wrote a line of romance novels about ‘girl-bachelors’ at the turn of the century. I see now that I misspelled her name. Whoops.
“Twenty grand. But you know what they say. Go hard or go home.”
Ben blinks at her.
“Go big or go home. Or rather. Wait, that works.”
I just might have had a goal for how many double entendres I could cram into these lunch scenes.
I might have hit that goal.
Hard.
“Whatever you need, Leslie, I am going to help you get.”
April notes that they’re both leaning just a little too close to each other, and Leslie’s-consciously or not-sticking her chest out way more than she usually does.
Interesting.
Ben’s making eyes at her too. April coughs, and Ben blinks, and he’s his usual self again.
“Leslie, I-I am going to go normal sized, and I am going to go over there. Bring me those grant papers later. At the end of the day. And-see you.” He hightails it over to the other table, where Donna and Tom and Ann and Chris are.
Leslie plops down in Ben’s seat.
Because I love a good running gag…
“April, what are you wearing?”
***
As I mentioned in the dvd commentary for Parallel Lines, Touching, I can’t write sex. It makes me anxious. Ideally, I would have thrown them in the room together and pulled ‘the camera’ away from them when they started shedding clothes.
When I started writing, I started with eight stories on the original kinkmeme (try to guess which ones!) And I was terrible at writing sex into those too, and sometimes left the sex out entirely. Once, the prompter called me out on that. Later, much later, after we became friends, she admitted to being the annoyed prompter, and we had a good laugh about it.
But while I wanted to pull the camera back and leave them in the office and wander off and have some tea, I knew that if I was writing a kink prompt, they had to have some sexy!times.
But it almost killed me. This was the last scene I wrote. Group times come easy to me, and usually when I write group scenes, not much changes from first to final draft. But two-person scenes are much harder, and sex scenes are really difficult.
Leslie knocks on Ben’s door, then decides that’s silly, and bursts in before she loses her nerve.
Ben looks up slowly and deliberately from the legal pad he is writing on and says, “You’re wrong.”
She crosses to him, trembling with anticipation. “I know. Which prompt do I have to do?” She hopes he doesn’t pick anything too weird.
“This one.” Ben pulls out his phone, and shows her a prompt- Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, first kiss.
“That’s not kinky. That’s not even-“
But she can’t continue, because Ben stands up, rounds the desk, and reaches for her, and his fingers are on her jaw, and he is looking at her with such intensity and longing that those butterflies return, and suddenly his mouth is on hers, and his lips tickle hers. She wants to giggle, that such an intense look is being followed with such a feather-light kiss, but then he growls somewhere deep in his throat and he deepens the kiss. He grips the back of her head, threading her hair around his fingers, and Leslie grabs the back of his head with one hand and uses her other hand to pull him closer.
They stumble, and he presses her against the back of his door. He’s pressing against her, hip to hip, and she can feel how much she wants him, how much he wants her. She’s ready-it seems so quick, but then she’s had months of foreplay-but he seems determined to stay there on her mouth.
I judge the success of a story by how many times I want to reread it. I reread my stories again and again because I write things I want to read, and because I think it helps me write new things.
I read this again and again.
But! Not the sex scene. I can read and reread sex written by anyone else, but for some reason I just blush like crazy rereading this.
And then he pulls away, and she feels cold. He looks her in the eyes, and she gasps, because he is looking at her intensely. He cocks an eyebrow, she nods, and he swoops down, kissing her neck, running his tongue on her collarbone. He nips her on the neck, and she moans, and he pauses-she can feel him smiling-and then he bites her, actually bites her.
She pushes him away, and he’s about to apologize when she shoves him into one of those chairs by the round table. She climbs on to his lap, and kisses him-she might growl too-and she’s touching him, she just can’t stop touching him, and his hands are in her hair and she’s loosening his tie and he’s dipping under the neckline of this dress-bless Ann and her good fashion sense-and she just can’t stop touching him.
“They were wrong, you know,” she says, voice low and shivery, because what is he doing to her ear?
“They-who were wrong-about-what?” he breathes into her ear.
“About my nipples. There was a prompt, ‘Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt-Leslie has sensitive nipples, Ben is a teaser.’ But they are wrong. I am a back girl.” She climbs off of him-its torture, but-and she positions another chair in front of his and sits in it backwards.
Real prompt.
“You want me to-“
“Go for it.”
And he starts unzipping her dress. After all that touching, he keeps his hands only on her dress, and he’s incredibly careful with the material, pulls the zipper down slowly.
And Leslie can’t take it, so she shakes him off and pulls the zipper down herself, unhooking her bra, shrugging the dress off but still covering her breasts, because this is still a government building. She glances over her shoulder at Ben, who is shaking his head.
Rereading this is killing me. I had no idea I was such a prude until I started writing fan fic.
“Touch me, Ben.”
“You are going to have to be ok with waiting. Promise me, or I’ll stop.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
She bites her lip. She can do this, right?
He stops grinning, and puts out a hand, slowly, lightly on her back, running his fingers shoulder blade to shoulder blade. She shivers. He pauses, then, even slower, even lighter, runs his fingers along her spine.
She probably can’t do this. She needs him to keep touching her, but faster and harder, and she’s never been good at waiting. She’s really more an instant gratification type. Sex is another thing in a long list of things she gets done quickly; she enjoys herself, of course, sometimes twice, but she’s not the type to linger.
But… this is Ben, and she’s willing to give this slow thing a try.
He’s scooting his chair closer to hers, and he’s kneeling on it, placing kisses on her shoulder blades while doing that slow finger thing on her lower back, and it’s really working for her. She feels fluttery in her stomach, but she also feels turned on. Her fingers are itching to rip that ridiculous plaid shirt-green on white, with a skinny brown tie-but she’s going to wait. Besides, he’s nipping at her earlobe and breathing on her neck and all her nerve endings are electric, so that’s working for her.
But really, this isn’t fair. She leans back into him, and murmurs about how it’s her turn, and before he can protest she’s turned around, and her dress has slipped down, and his eyes are huge. So she takes this opportunity to start undoing his tie, slipping the knot down the fabric.
“I said you had to go slow.”
“And I like going fast, but I think I am willing to compromise. Really, Ben, don’t you like democracy?”
So she removes his shirt next, being not nearly so careful with his clothes, being a little careless, really, so that one of his buttons rips off. He frowns, and she doesn’t want to feel badly about what happened so she kisses him. She tangles her fingers in his hair, pulls him in, and his hands are everywhere, all over her body, till she’s mostly in his lap and mostly naked too. He’s still got his pants on, but they’re unbuttoned, so she slips her hands inside this his waistband. She can feel him, hard against her palm, and she can feel the blood pumping. She strokes him a few times, watches as he grits his teeth, but then he removes her hand.
He leans in again, to her ear, and tells her this is all well and good, but he wants to get her off first. So he pushes her back in the chair, kneels in front of her, but doesn’t remove her underwear, just pushes it aside like he can’t even wait that extra minute for her to strip. And there’s a slight desperation, that way he just dives in, that reminds her that while she has been contemplating this for a few months, he was probably interested in her longer.
She knows it’s a little unorthodox to ask, but goes for it anyway. “When?”
He looks at her, raises an eyebrow, and continues.
“No, not when am I going to get off? I am going to get off when I get off, and you are going to keep going till then.” He looks a little startled, but recovers quickly. He looks at her and slowly, deliberately, starts licking her inner thigh instead. She starts squirming, trying to shift his focus back, but he’s clearly enjoying the torment. She threads her fingers through her hair and takes a moment to enjoy the feeling of it in her hands-and then she jerks his head back.
Then he’s shifting and it feels awesome, and she realizes he’s laughing. She laughs too, and soon they are both laughing.
And then he makes a serious face and goes back to what he was doing, only this time he uses his hands too (she may have nudged him gently in this direction) and when she comes she sees stars.
They are going to fuck, it’s just a matter of deciding where.
Ben rushes over to his desk, and Leslie follows. “I’ve always wanted to do the movie hero thing and sweep everything off the desk and take the heroine right there.”
They look at each other, hungry, but they both wince and then start removing papers in neat piles.
People loved this. Ben’s not going to mess up his paperwork or throw his laptop on the ground.
Leslie reassures him with a reminder that the laptop belongs to the city and there are very stiff penalties for destroying them. He points out that there are stiff penalties to not having sex very soon, and they are both giggling again.
Reference to Andy’s borrowed laptop in 4x09.
When they do get on top of the desk (and Leslie gets on top of Ben) and they’re moving slowly together, she tries again. “When did you-ohhh- decide this-“ and she gestures to this excellent sex-“was what you wanted?”
Ben is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “Harvest Fest.”
Erika was upset about this. Ben wanted her before Harvest Fest happened! But I’m not sure he wanted her way back before that, not really. He might have found her attractive, and he might have been drawn to her, but the crush was simmering. It’s only when she really put herself on the line that he realized he like liked her.
“Oh me too, I remember looking at you on the third day, when you were talking to Chief Trumble about that bottle rocket incident, and thinking, Ben, I want Ben.
“No, Leslie, when you pitched Harvest Fest. You put yourself on the line, and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”
Leslie, usually so verbose, can’t think of anything to say to that, so she presses her forehead against his and thinks how lucky she is.
Touching foreheads is the ultimate in vulnerable gestures. Who do you do that with? Lovers, incredibly close friends, maybe.
***
Ben and Leslie make their way out of the building. It’s mostly quiet, except she can’t seem to stop giggling, and she keeps touching Ben’s arm, Ben’s hand, Ben’s chest. Ben keeps shushing her and trying to finger comb his hair. Leslie knows where all the security cameras are, so whenever they are out of range of them she kisses him on the face. It’s pretty awesome. She’s in the middle of a giggle kiss when she hears Donna coming from around the corner, so she pulls Ben into the nearest doorway- Weights and Measures, good thing they all leave at the stroke of five- and leaves the door cracked so she can eavesdrop.
I can’t remember when I decided I was posting this under my own name, but I neglected to mention this to Erika, who thought I was posting this anonymously still. She told me that if I wanted to make sure no one knew I wrote it, I should take out the reference to Weights and Measures, since I’m the only one to mention them in fic. They’re in City Hall, though, near Parks, so it makes sense they would make an appearance.
“Shouldn’t you not listen in on your friend?” Ben asks, gesturing at her hair.
Leslie puts a finger to his lip and hisses, “Don’t talk.”
She can hear Donna down the echo-y hall. “What did I tell you? Everyone needs to hook up at work at least once, or, in my case, whenever the occasion arises.”
“Hooking up at work is dope.” And there’s a loud noise, skin-on-skin, like a high five.
Leslie’s eyes go wide, and she whisper-squeals to Ben, “I can’t believe it! Tom and Donna!”
I decided, at some point around the lunch scene, to let everyone get lucky. I tried to play it so there’d be a bit of a surprise, where people thought I might hook up Ann and Chris, and Tom and Donna. But surprise! Ann went to Tom’s office to yell at him, and he expressed sincerely that he didn’t write the scarves story, and she was all vulnerable from the crazy emotions, and he was nice and offered her his shoulder to cry on. And they hooked up. Meanwhile, Donna decided she wanted to sleep with Chris, and it happened. Because Donna never has to ask twice.
Ben puts his finger to her lips. She notices he is no longer pretending not to listen too.
“Yeah, congratulations, Tom- multuous. You are now a member of the club. Now all you need is a Benz and maybe some day you will be like me.”
“I could never be as bad-ass as you.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
The two of them stop off in the hallway just past the door Leslie is hiding behind, and she stops breathing, lest they could hear her. One of them is jingling their keys, but they linger inside.
Donna says, “Damn, though, who would have thought, you and Ann?”
Leslie’s mouth drops open.
“Hey, when you got game, you got game. A gentleman never reveals the details.”
Erika thought Tom was lying on the first draft. No! It happened. And it happened because she’s a Tom/Ann shipper, and I like her even though I don’t really like the pairing. I’ve now written two stories where Tom and Ann happen, and she’s written zero. How’d that happen?
I considered adding a Ann/Chris scene, to parallel their earlier hallway scene, where they run into each other post-coital and discuss that, but (1) I wanted to keep the narrative tight (2) my instincts for that potential scene were terrible, and it would have gotten way overly- meta. Though this was supposed to be meta, this was not supposed to be that meta.
“A lady never does either. So let me tell you, Chris must work out six times a day-”
Ben’s mouth opens too.
“Because that man is in fine shape.”
There is a pause, and it’s all Leslie can do not to launch herself out that door and into their conversation.
Tom is a little quieter this time. “There’s something about beautiful people, though-“
“Us?”
I think everyone in this bar is hot, but let’s be clear, while I think it’s not terrible fair and there’s a lot of complicated reasons for it, two of these actors appeared half-naked on magazine covers last year, and two of them did not.
“They just don’t seem to try as hard.”
This has been my experience, personally. Attractive people don’t try in bed. I know this, because I never try at all.
“Yeah, he wasn’t the best. Top ten percent, naked, but barely top half on effort. Top quarter on performance.”
And then there’s that high-five noise, again, and they are gone.
“This has been the weirdest day,” Ben says. Suddenly, his phone goes off. “Damn it!”
“It’s fine, they’re gone, what is it?”
“Chris sent me an email. Blah blah blah, reports, he’s in an excellent mood-“
“Yeah he is!”
Over the summer hiatus, there was a lot of speculation that Chris would change his mind on governmental relationships because he’d want to get back together with Ann, thus clearing the way for Leslie and Ben. I hated that idea, because the rule makes sense! The rule should be the rule! But on any other show, I think that’s how they’d play it. So far, except for a vague hint in 4x02, I think the Chris-likes-Ann-again idea they hinted at after Lil’ Sebastian’s funeral has been a red herring. But when I started writing this, it was still on my mind as a possible way this show could go.
As it happens, I posted this after the Christmas episode, but started writing it three weeks prior.
And then they aired the trial, 4x09, and damn it, now I just don’t believe Chris would have sex with one of his employees.
But… it’s a kinkmeme prompt, and more importantly, I was about to go on vacation, so I wanted to wrap this up. And really, if Tom was going to get laid, Donna should too, and who was she going to sleep with? Ron? I’d read that, actually, but I don’t think so. And who does that leave? Jerry? No!
Besides, I think it’s canon that Donna finds Chris attractive-3x07, 4x07 come to mind-so I went with it.
But I still feel a little weird about it.
“And that’s because-according to his work email, Leslie-they have an email address for the culprit. Some graduate of Sarah Lawrence?”
“It was a woman?”
Joe from Sewage, clearly.
“I guess? We’ll look into it tomorrow.”
“We should-“
“Yeah?”
“If you want, we should go get some dinner.”
“There’s this great place I found on Summit , for Mexican, they have really authentic horchata-“
“Or, and this is just an idea, but what if we went to JJs and got waffles?”
“Of course.”
He leans over in the doorway and goes to kiss her on the cheek, and she turns her head and captures his mouth instead. And for a moment she considers going back up to his office, or her office, or staying in Weights and Measures, but he pulls away and grabs her hand.
Leslie turns to him, “Lucky you picked that prompt. You could have chosen, oh, Centaur!Leslie lets Ben ride her and then where would we be?”
Not a real prompt, but someone mentioned this on their lj as a example of crazy prompts they’d read since apparently in the grand scheme of fandoms sitcom fandoms are pretty tame. Can’t remember who mentioned this, though!
“In the stables?”
“But that was a great prompt and I’m so glad you picked it.”
Ben laughs, “Picked it? I wrote it.”
I want to compare this story to ‘Parallel Lines, Touching.’ During the kinkmeme day, Leslie thinks she’s got the answer: challenging Ben to a bet she’ll win, even if she’s wrong. It’s Devious Leslie, just like I like her. But here, we get Devious Ben, too, who knows Leslie’s wrong and prompts something on the boards to use as his ‘win,’ giving her an out, really. And then from there, we stumble into sex.
And like PL-T, I end this with them getting together but not explaining how they work it out. In my head!canon, it all plays out the same, except now they go on the road trip and totally have sex in the guest bedroom.
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 8.5k for the story, 4k commentary
Rating: R.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you all a crisp $20 bill for Christmas
Author’s Note: This is the companion piece to the DVD commentary for Parallel Lines, Touching.
Read the original here.
Part one of the commentary
***
I like to give myself challenges.
For instance, I can’t just write sex, I have to have a plot. And ten characters. And prompts real and fake. And four points-of-view, two which I have never written before.
But this pair of scenes? It’s ridiculous. Eight people, two tables, told from two points of view? What?
It was a blast to write, even though I had to make charts. And use chess pieces to block out who was where and when.
“You should just go for it, Leslie.”
“Ann, are you sure? I mean, what am I doing here? This is crazy. Isn’t it? Ann, it’s crazy. You’d tell me if it was crazy, right? I mean, Ann, it’s crazy.”
Ann pulls two salads out of her lunchbag and gives one to Leslie. Leslie is panicking about this Ben business, but all Ann really wants to do is eat her salad and get back to reading this one kink fic about Dexhart and the mayor and three gallons of pickle relish. These stories are addictive.
There was supposed to be a joke about how Leslie doesn’t eat her salad, but I dropped the ball on this one.
Leslie, meanwhile, doesn’t even notice that Ann’s not paying attention, and keeps going. Ann tries to tune in every so often, but Gunderson is pulling out a spatula, and that requires most of her brain. “Ann-he’s just-I don’t-Jefferson himself-can’t play the violin-all winter-marshmallows-”
Thomas Jefferson played the violin. Yet another 1776 reference.
Once she finished reading her dirty story, Ann pledges to remain focused on Leslie.
“Of course you should go for it. You send him so many smolder-y looks that the rest of us are brushing excess sparks off of us constantly.”
“What’s going on?” Donna asks, grabbing a seat. “Come on, there are no secrets in the courtyard.”
“Just talking about these dirty stories,” Ann says, sending Donna a look she hopes radiates sincerity.
Donna looks slightly dubious but takes the bait. “Ann, you’re a doctor-“
“No I am not.”
Callback to 3x09.
“I think you need to hold a meeting with the people in this building, because apparently some of them have only a tenuous grasp on how sex works. Look at this-“
“You have to actually show me-“
“Trust me, if that was possible, I would have done it. And I have tried!”
“I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable than holding a meeting here to talk about sex with my coworkers. Stuart would-“
4x01, of course, and Stuart, her temporary-yet-current-to-the-story office mate.
“I have been trying to review each of these stories, but it’s really cutting into my writing time,” Donna says.
I can’t even explain how gratifying it is to get comments on your fic. Often, when you are writing, you wonder if anyone’s going to like it. And, at least personally, I tend to assume people won’t. I’ve sent Erika more than one ‘oh my god they are going to kick me out of this fandom why did I post that?’ email. So if Donna’s started writing fic, I’m sure she’d be good about commenting. Better than I am, because I sometimes don’t actually comment on stuff I love.
Leslie looks scandalized. “You can’t do that!”
Ann gives a sidelong glance, raises an eyebrow. Leslie at least has the self-awareness to look chagrined.
“I need your help, Ann. There’s one prompt I want to do, ‘Chris Traeger/Andy Dwyer: the most enthusiastic sex ever! and I feel you are in a unique position.”
There just doesn’t seem to be much slash in our fandom. I don’t get it; I remember my friend writing Harry Potter fan fic in high school and slash was just huge. I’m a little disappointed in our fandom, really. Half the point of fan fic is to subvert the norms presented to us by the media. Or at the very least, to see hot characters have hot sex.
Ann sighs, “Great.”
Donna grins. “Or rather, you used to be in a unique position. Or two unique positions.”
Leslie breaks in to the conversation, though she seems more focused on herself than helping Ann out. She’ll take it, though.
“Donna, you have a satisfying sex life-“
Donna takes a bite of her pizza. “Leslie, I realize you are wound up tight, but I don’t play that way.” She pulls out her phone again, “Despite that fic about you and me and the ball gag you so desperately need.”
“I was just wondering if you have condoms. On you- I mean, in you- your purse.”
I have no idea why that line makes me laugh, but I do, every time
“Always. You should too, you know. You never know when something is going to happen.” Donna raises an eyebrow at Leslie, who looks embarrassed.
“I know, I should-“
“After all, according to this right here, Ben is going to take you from behind while you are at a podium. Gotta be ready.”
Leslie chokes on her Vitners. Donna, meanwhile, pulls out some condoms and slips them into Leslie’s purse. Then she looks across the courtyard at Chris, who is pausing from his post-run stretching to refuel.
“Hey, Traeger, nice carrot!” Chris smiles at that and jogs over to the table while the church bells across the street chime noon. Ann smiles at him self-consciously, but if he’s nervous she’s going to slam him against a wall again, he isn’t showing it. He points at each of them, saying their names, and doesn’t notice when Leslie blushes and looks away.
I posted this story two days after 4x10, but I wrote this scene before they released that Chris/Tammy 2 deleted scene for 4x09. It was gratifying that he really is terrible at double entendres.
“Thank you, Donna, carrots are great for the immune system. They just did a study that showed that they might offer protection against lung disease.”
“That’s great, because you are smokin’ today.”
Chris smiles. “Donna, you are hilarious. And that shade of blue is extra becoming on you.”
“’Be-coming’ is goal, daily.” She winked at Leslie, who suddenly moved her purse under the table.
“Dressing well is always important, and you always do,” says Chris.
“That’s what I am talking about, right.” Donna shakes her head and mutters, “It’s a good thing you are good looking.”
Ann nods.
Tom joins them while Leslie is telling everyone about the mysterious package that arrived via carrier service today, and how this may mean that Ron is never going to leave his office again. She tells them she is going to go try to talk Ron out of his office, and she jumps up, purse held tightly to her body, and out of the courtyard.
Tammy 2 sent Ron a package, but Ron’s not leaving his office so he has no idea what’s in there.
“Chris, nice run, am I right?” Tom says, fist bumping him. Ann refuses, because no, and he doesn’t fistbump Donna but gives her a genuine smile. “How’s it hanging at the hottest table in the courtyard?”
“Things literally could not be better. Carrot?”
Tom shakes his head. “I was just coming over here to talk to Donna. Can I join you?”
Ann says, “No,” and he sits down across the table from Ann, and naturally that means Chris sits down next to her in Leslie’s vacated seat, and of course. If it’s not one ex sitting next to her at lunch, its it's another doing… whatever is going on across the courtyard with Andy, April… and Ben? Seriously, what is going on over there?
Ann’s aware that she’d be violating social taboos to throw a now-married Andy against a wall for the kinkmeme, but she hasn’t forgotten they used to date.
“Ann, how’s City Hall treating you? You’ve been here, what, a week?” Tom says.
Ann starts, “A week and a half. And I like it. I am staying out of trouble-“
Chris unconsciously touches his arm, while Tom rubs his chest.
“Mostly staying out of trouble. It’s… strange starting a new job, after working at just one place for about a decade. It’s fun, it’s new, but I feel like the weird new girl, not sure who to sit next to at lunch.”
Beautiful Ann is not used to having to try to make friends. Chris isn’t, either, but he’s also much more confident and sure of himself, so he’s the type to just assume people want to eat with him. And honestly, most people who are confident enough to pull that off are not going to get rejected.
Chris immediately launches into his sympathy face. “I have been the new guy consistently for fifteen years, and I can honestly say that I have always had someone to sit next to at lunch. Wait, there was one time… no. Always.”
“Wouldn’t the answer be Leslie? Isn’t the answer always Leslie?” Donna asks, rolling her eyes.
“I refuse to believe a fine drink of water like yourself has ever sat alone at lunch,” Tom says, slipping into his smooth operator routine.
“Thank you all for your help,” Ann says, burying her face in her hands.
The point of this digression is that Ann’s feeling vulnerable, being in a new place. She’s bad at flirting, she’s never been dumped-she’s not used to having to make friends on her own.
Waving her hands, Donna says, “This topic is boring. Let’s talk about the kinkmeme some more.”
“Actually we really shouldn’t-“ But Chris is cut off mid-sentence by Tom.
“Ann, you have already had two stories written about you. How do you feel about that?”
Ann hasn’t seen those, as she has been too busy reading stories about the mayor. “No there aren’t!” and she hopes she’s correct.
Donna laughs. “You’re in for a surprise.”
With some trepidation, Ann pulls out her phone. There’s one that’s… oh wow, her and Leslie, because Ann is always sacrificing for Leslie. Now that Leslie’s chasing Ben, Ann’s a little lonely. So when Leslie comes over for girl talk, Ann needs some comfort. Things get a little sticky after that… She scrolls through the fic, which is very, very detailed, and she feels a little fluttery. She has missed Leslie, but that doesn’t mean she’s lonely. Just, alone. But not lonely. And even if she was, that doesn’t mean she’d just roll around with the nearest warm body. Probably. Especially since the nearest warm body was her ex. Or Donna.
I realized late in the game that one pair that didn’t get to have any sexual tension was Ann/Leslie. This was a nod to that, but I wish I’d done more.
The reference to the warm-body-is-her-ex is part of my continuing quest to make people think Ann’s going to hook up with Chris, not Tom.
She looks up to three curious faces, and answers the unasked question. “This is… fine. Leslie and I never-but I guess it isn’t that embarrassing. Let me find the other one.” She keeps going and when she finds it she can feel her whole body blush. “Tom, are you kidding? What is this?”
Tom answers, “I didn’t-“
But Ann’s starting to get annoyed. “You wrote this damn scarf thing! What is this? I would never-this is-when I get my hands on you I am going to snap you in half.“
Tom didn’t write the scarf thing. He wrote the prompt, but he lacks to the follow-through to write out a story to accompany it.
Chris cuts in. “You are not. You can’t-“
She narrows her eyes at him instead. “I don’t care-“
“Well, you have to care, this is absolutely work-inappropriate. I can’t stop you guys from looking at your phones, and fine, I am too, but you are not going to threaten other employees, Ann.” Chris says, his face almost looking angry.
Chris doesn’t like confronting his employees, but I’m also letting Ann cross some major lines. And she also threw him against a wall this morning. He’s gotta be annoyed.
Ann sighs and says, “Fine. Tom, I’m sorry.”
Donna is eating M&Ms with rapt fascination. “Now, that was kinkmeme worthy.”
A callback to Donna eating popcorn while watching Ann and Chris discuss their sexy past in 4x07.
Chris looks like he’s about to say something, then thinks better of it, shakes his head.
Ann, meanwhile, mouths to Tom, after work, we’re gonna talk. She shuts her mouth when another shadow crosses the table.
Donna smacks the table. “And here’s the man of the hour. Ben, how are you feeling to be the star of the kink meme? The only person even approaching you is Ethel Beavers.”
Tom whips around to Donna, “Beavers? Hot. She sounds fly.”
“Is there no other topic this entire building can discuss? Just when I think Pawnee is special, this stupid- I am going to my office, and I am not coming out, this whole thing is just too much” Ben says, his ranting growing fainter as he stomps away.
“That boy needs to get laid,” Donna says, and no one disagrees.
***
And now we start the scene over from April’s point-of-view from across the courtyard. I had to make a chart to make sure everything lined up correctly.
In order to emphasize that everyone’s lunch is taking place at the same time, I added the church bells to play when Chris walks over to Ann’s table/when April struts into the courtyard and walks over to Ben and Andy.
Lunch: Ann’s table and pov verses April’s point of view (offscreen in italics)Ann and Leslie eat saladAndy and Ben are eating; Chris is cooling down from his run next to themDonna joins themeating, coolingDonna calls Chris overChris leaves Ben and AndyChris comes over; church bellsApril walks outside; church bellsLeslie exits the courtyard to go insideApril sits down on the other side of BenTom joins themApril starts mocking Ben and kissing AndyChris and Tom sit down with Donna and AnnLeslie comes back outside, walks over to April’s tableAnn finds her two stories; threatens TomBen and Leslie talk; April theorizesChris tells Ann to cool itBen leaves April’s table, and goes to Ann’s tableBen comes overLeslie sits down, asks April about her outfitBen stomps awayLeslie, April, Andy sitDonna’s last line Leslie, April, Andy sit
April struts over to Andy, heels clacking, cafeteria lunch in hand. She stumbles-stupid moron shoes- but saves it by looking extra-bored by the whole walking thing. She can hear those stupid noon church bells since she’s outside, and they’re annoying, just shut up, bells.
Originally, I wanted April to just wander around looking hot and eye-fucking everyone she saw.
But after reading the first section, just the first section, Erika said, “I've been talking to [cypanache] too much, because I'm suddenly picturing April/Andy in bed reading about April/Ben as an aphroperiodical, and deciding that it's really hot and they need to lure him into a nonfictional threesome. That's where you're obviously going with this. Right?”
As usual, blame her for the things I write, because she never shuts me down when she should. In fact, she gives me ideas far worse than anything I can dream up.
Andy’s eyes go big and dark, and she can read his mind. Granted, he’s also shifting around in his chair, which makes things a little obvious to her, but there’s that.
“April, Ben and I were just talking about the porn thing. And Chris was too, but he’s over there now.”
“Actually, you’re talking about it. I’m trying to read this budget report. Not that that ever stops you.”
“We’re talking about how weird it is that so many people are invested in City Hall having sex.”
“Except me I am still barely on those boards. You have more prompts than I do. Ben has the most. Why do you have so many, Ben?” asks April.
“I’m not talking about this, April.”
She slides into the seat on the other side of him.
“I bet you’re the one writing them. You just want an excuse to bang everyone.”
There’s a note of warning in his tone, but who cares? “April, we’re at work-“
“I know. But you apparently don’t care. That’s why you want everyone to write about you. You and Chris. You and Tom. You and Leslie, even though you are both boring. You and I.” She looks him in the eye, challenging him, and he looks away first. “There’s even one on here for you and me and Andy.”
“Good lord.”
“It’ll be like that time you walked in on us having sex-“
“You were in my room!”
Andy breaks in from his imaginary guitar-strumming to add in, “I remember that!” And then he goes back to his music
“You definitely lingered in the doorway.”
He was contemplating what needed to be sterilized.
Really.
“April-“
April continues. “And we all know-and when I say ‘all’ I mean the entirety of Pawnee-that you’ve had gay thoughts.”
“Sexuality does not fit into boxes-look, stop it.”
“And you definitely were checking me out today.”
“You’re half-stop it, April-naked, that’s why,” Ben says, removing her hand from his thigh.
April was mostly just bringing this up to screw with him, the same reason she always moved his stuff around just so in the fridge and dumped out his Tide and replaced it with bubble bath. But she had never touched Ben before, and between the sarcastic groping and his hand on hers, she might just be willing to make her offer legit. Andy would go along with it, he would. And he isn’t protesting, not that he’s paying attention, but he isn’t protesting.
Bubble bath referencing 3x11, of course.
And I can picture Andy agreeing to a threesome if April wanted it. In my head!canon, Andy and Ann always had pretty vanilla sex, but April’s got an excellent imagination combined with a lifetime of internet access, so she’s pretty adventurous.
Ben’s going on about the dress code, like some City Hall employee handbook come to boring life, and she’s considering exactly how a threesome would go. She wonders if he’s ever done anything like that. Probably not, he’s probably missionary position on Tuesdays with the lights off.
So in the middle of the lecture she leans across Ben, hand on his shoulder, and pulls Andy in for a kiss. Ben actually stops talking and leans backwards, so April rights herself again.
“Don’t do that, you two, it’s-just don’t.”
“Why, does it make you… uncomfortable?”
“Yes!”
She leans in, reaches for Ben’s far shoulder, and flips herself half in his lap, facing up, and Andy leans in to kiss her again, and Ben is trying to push away from the table but he’s having difficulty escaping. It’s kind of exciting, really, and if not for the laws she might just rip off her tank top right there. But then Andy pulls away and asks her if she wants to go make out at his shoestand, and she can see through the window that Kyle’s waiting there, but that’s never stopped them before, so she agrees. She doesn’t get out of Ben’s lap right away, though, even when she notices Leslie making a beeline for their table.
I intended to write an on-camera love scene for April and Andy, but I chickened out.
Now, why does April stick around when she could be making out? Because she’s feeling a little possessive of Ben and his recently discovered hotness.
Also, Kyle’s the only named CH employee (besides Stuart) that I don’t name in a prompt. This is because I was including last names on the prompts since it’s the entirety of City Hall being prompted. And I didn’t want to step out of canon? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I didn’t want to give him a fake last name.
She tells Andy to wait a minute, climbs out of Ben’s lap but puts a hand on his shoulder, casually, possessively. If Leslie notices, she doesn’t say anything, but Ben shakes her off with a real sense of force and purpose.
It’s kind of hot, for Ben.
Leslie starts in, “April, after lunch I need you to help me get Ron out of his office.”
April has no intention of doing that. “I bet he left.”
“Ben, I have those grant proposals for the observatory and they are almost done. Do you want me to bring them by, say, at the end of the day?”
Ben looks at her, and then looks at his hand, and then back at her. “You probably should. No rush. How much are you shooting for with the Gurke grant?”
Gurke for Laura Lee Guhrke, who wrote a line of romance novels about ‘girl-bachelors’ at the turn of the century. I see now that I misspelled her name. Whoops.
“Twenty grand. But you know what they say. Go hard or go home.”
Ben blinks at her.
“Go big or go home. Or rather. Wait, that works.”
I just might have had a goal for how many double entendres I could cram into these lunch scenes.
I might have hit that goal.
Hard.
“Whatever you need, Leslie, I am going to help you get.”
April notes that they’re both leaning just a little too close to each other, and Leslie’s-consciously or not-sticking her chest out way more than she usually does.
Interesting.
Ben’s making eyes at her too. April coughs, and Ben blinks, and he’s his usual self again.
“Leslie, I-I am going to go normal sized, and I am going to go over there. Bring me those grant papers later. At the end of the day. And-see you.” He hightails it over to the other table, where Donna and Tom and Ann and Chris are.
Leslie plops down in Ben’s seat.
Because I love a good running gag…
“April, what are you wearing?”
***
As I mentioned in the dvd commentary for Parallel Lines, Touching, I can’t write sex. It makes me anxious. Ideally, I would have thrown them in the room together and pulled ‘the camera’ away from them when they started shedding clothes.
When I started writing, I started with eight stories on the original kinkmeme (try to guess which ones!) And I was terrible at writing sex into those too, and sometimes left the sex out entirely. Once, the prompter called me out on that. Later, much later, after we became friends, she admitted to being the annoyed prompter, and we had a good laugh about it.
But while I wanted to pull the camera back and leave them in the office and wander off and have some tea, I knew that if I was writing a kink prompt, they had to have some sexy!times.
But it almost killed me. This was the last scene I wrote. Group times come easy to me, and usually when I write group scenes, not much changes from first to final draft. But two-person scenes are much harder, and sex scenes are really difficult.
Leslie knocks on Ben’s door, then decides that’s silly, and bursts in before she loses her nerve.
Ben looks up slowly and deliberately from the legal pad he is writing on and says, “You’re wrong.”
She crosses to him, trembling with anticipation. “I know. Which prompt do I have to do?” She hopes he doesn’t pick anything too weird.
“This one.” Ben pulls out his phone, and shows her a prompt- Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, first kiss.
“That’s not kinky. That’s not even-“
But she can’t continue, because Ben stands up, rounds the desk, and reaches for her, and his fingers are on her jaw, and he is looking at her with such intensity and longing that those butterflies return, and suddenly his mouth is on hers, and his lips tickle hers. She wants to giggle, that such an intense look is being followed with such a feather-light kiss, but then he growls somewhere deep in his throat and he deepens the kiss. He grips the back of her head, threading her hair around his fingers, and Leslie grabs the back of his head with one hand and uses her other hand to pull him closer.
They stumble, and he presses her against the back of his door. He’s pressing against her, hip to hip, and she can feel how much she wants him, how much he wants her. She’s ready-it seems so quick, but then she’s had months of foreplay-but he seems determined to stay there on her mouth.
I judge the success of a story by how many times I want to reread it. I reread my stories again and again because I write things I want to read, and because I think it helps me write new things.
I read this again and again.
But! Not the sex scene. I can read and reread sex written by anyone else, but for some reason I just blush like crazy rereading this.
And then he pulls away, and she feels cold. He looks her in the eyes, and she gasps, because he is looking at her intensely. He cocks an eyebrow, she nods, and he swoops down, kissing her neck, running his tongue on her collarbone. He nips her on the neck, and she moans, and he pauses-she can feel him smiling-and then he bites her, actually bites her.
She pushes him away, and he’s about to apologize when she shoves him into one of those chairs by the round table. She climbs on to his lap, and kisses him-she might growl too-and she’s touching him, she just can’t stop touching him, and his hands are in her hair and she’s loosening his tie and he’s dipping under the neckline of this dress-bless Ann and her good fashion sense-and she just can’t stop touching him.
“They were wrong, you know,” she says, voice low and shivery, because what is he doing to her ear?
“They-who were wrong-about-what?” he breathes into her ear.
“About my nipples. There was a prompt, ‘Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt-Leslie has sensitive nipples, Ben is a teaser.’ But they are wrong. I am a back girl.” She climbs off of him-its torture, but-and she positions another chair in front of his and sits in it backwards.
Real prompt.
“You want me to-“
“Go for it.”
And he starts unzipping her dress. After all that touching, he keeps his hands only on her dress, and he’s incredibly careful with the material, pulls the zipper down slowly.
And Leslie can’t take it, so she shakes him off and pulls the zipper down herself, unhooking her bra, shrugging the dress off but still covering her breasts, because this is still a government building. She glances over her shoulder at Ben, who is shaking his head.
Rereading this is killing me. I had no idea I was such a prude until I started writing fan fic.
“Touch me, Ben.”
“You are going to have to be ok with waiting. Promise me, or I’ll stop.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
She bites her lip. She can do this, right?
He stops grinning, and puts out a hand, slowly, lightly on her back, running his fingers shoulder blade to shoulder blade. She shivers. He pauses, then, even slower, even lighter, runs his fingers along her spine.
She probably can’t do this. She needs him to keep touching her, but faster and harder, and she’s never been good at waiting. She’s really more an instant gratification type. Sex is another thing in a long list of things she gets done quickly; she enjoys herself, of course, sometimes twice, but she’s not the type to linger.
But… this is Ben, and she’s willing to give this slow thing a try.
He’s scooting his chair closer to hers, and he’s kneeling on it, placing kisses on her shoulder blades while doing that slow finger thing on her lower back, and it’s really working for her. She feels fluttery in her stomach, but she also feels turned on. Her fingers are itching to rip that ridiculous plaid shirt-green on white, with a skinny brown tie-but she’s going to wait. Besides, he’s nipping at her earlobe and breathing on her neck and all her nerve endings are electric, so that’s working for her.
But really, this isn’t fair. She leans back into him, and murmurs about how it’s her turn, and before he can protest she’s turned around, and her dress has slipped down, and his eyes are huge. So she takes this opportunity to start undoing his tie, slipping the knot down the fabric.
“I said you had to go slow.”
“And I like going fast, but I think I am willing to compromise. Really, Ben, don’t you like democracy?”
So she removes his shirt next, being not nearly so careful with his clothes, being a little careless, really, so that one of his buttons rips off. He frowns, and she doesn’t want to feel badly about what happened so she kisses him. She tangles her fingers in his hair, pulls him in, and his hands are everywhere, all over her body, till she’s mostly in his lap and mostly naked too. He’s still got his pants on, but they’re unbuttoned, so she slips her hands inside this his waistband. She can feel him, hard against her palm, and she can feel the blood pumping. She strokes him a few times, watches as he grits his teeth, but then he removes her hand.
He leans in again, to her ear, and tells her this is all well and good, but he wants to get her off first. So he pushes her back in the chair, kneels in front of her, but doesn’t remove her underwear, just pushes it aside like he can’t even wait that extra minute for her to strip. And there’s a slight desperation, that way he just dives in, that reminds her that while she has been contemplating this for a few months, he was probably interested in her longer.
She knows it’s a little unorthodox to ask, but goes for it anyway. “When?”
He looks at her, raises an eyebrow, and continues.
“No, not when am I going to get off? I am going to get off when I get off, and you are going to keep going till then.” He looks a little startled, but recovers quickly. He looks at her and slowly, deliberately, starts licking her inner thigh instead. She starts squirming, trying to shift his focus back, but he’s clearly enjoying the torment. She threads her fingers through her hair and takes a moment to enjoy the feeling of it in her hands-and then she jerks his head back.
Then he’s shifting and it feels awesome, and she realizes he’s laughing. She laughs too, and soon they are both laughing.
And then he makes a serious face and goes back to what he was doing, only this time he uses his hands too (she may have nudged him gently in this direction) and when she comes she sees stars.
They are going to fuck, it’s just a matter of deciding where.
Ben rushes over to his desk, and Leslie follows. “I’ve always wanted to do the movie hero thing and sweep everything off the desk and take the heroine right there.”
They look at each other, hungry, but they both wince and then start removing papers in neat piles.
People loved this. Ben’s not going to mess up his paperwork or throw his laptop on the ground.
Leslie reassures him with a reminder that the laptop belongs to the city and there are very stiff penalties for destroying them. He points out that there are stiff penalties to not having sex very soon, and they are both giggling again.
Reference to Andy’s borrowed laptop in 4x09.
When they do get on top of the desk (and Leslie gets on top of Ben) and they’re moving slowly together, she tries again. “When did you-ohhh- decide this-“ and she gestures to this excellent sex-“was what you wanted?”
Ben is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “Harvest Fest.”
Erika was upset about this. Ben wanted her before Harvest Fest happened! But I’m not sure he wanted her way back before that, not really. He might have found her attractive, and he might have been drawn to her, but the crush was simmering. It’s only when she really put herself on the line that he realized he like liked her.
“Oh me too, I remember looking at you on the third day, when you were talking to Chief Trumble about that bottle rocket incident, and thinking, Ben, I want Ben.
“No, Leslie, when you pitched Harvest Fest. You put yourself on the line, and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”
Leslie, usually so verbose, can’t think of anything to say to that, so she presses her forehead against his and thinks how lucky she is.
Touching foreheads is the ultimate in vulnerable gestures. Who do you do that with? Lovers, incredibly close friends, maybe.
***
Ben and Leslie make their way out of the building. It’s mostly quiet, except she can’t seem to stop giggling, and she keeps touching Ben’s arm, Ben’s hand, Ben’s chest. Ben keeps shushing her and trying to finger comb his hair. Leslie knows where all the security cameras are, so whenever they are out of range of them she kisses him on the face. It’s pretty awesome. She’s in the middle of a giggle kiss when she hears Donna coming from around the corner, so she pulls Ben into the nearest doorway- Weights and Measures, good thing they all leave at the stroke of five- and leaves the door cracked so she can eavesdrop.
I can’t remember when I decided I was posting this under my own name, but I neglected to mention this to Erika, who thought I was posting this anonymously still. She told me that if I wanted to make sure no one knew I wrote it, I should take out the reference to Weights and Measures, since I’m the only one to mention them in fic. They’re in City Hall, though, near Parks, so it makes sense they would make an appearance.
“Shouldn’t you not listen in on your friend?” Ben asks, gesturing at her hair.
Leslie puts a finger to his lip and hisses, “Don’t talk.”
She can hear Donna down the echo-y hall. “What did I tell you? Everyone needs to hook up at work at least once, or, in my case, whenever the occasion arises.”
“Hooking up at work is dope.” And there’s a loud noise, skin-on-skin, like a high five.
Leslie’s eyes go wide, and she whisper-squeals to Ben, “I can’t believe it! Tom and Donna!”
I decided, at some point around the lunch scene, to let everyone get lucky. I tried to play it so there’d be a bit of a surprise, where people thought I might hook up Ann and Chris, and Tom and Donna. But surprise! Ann went to Tom’s office to yell at him, and he expressed sincerely that he didn’t write the scarves story, and she was all vulnerable from the crazy emotions, and he was nice and offered her his shoulder to cry on. And they hooked up. Meanwhile, Donna decided she wanted to sleep with Chris, and it happened. Because Donna never has to ask twice.
Ben puts his finger to her lips. She notices he is no longer pretending not to listen too.
“Yeah, congratulations, Tom- multuous. You are now a member of the club. Now all you need is a Benz and maybe some day you will be like me.”
“I could never be as bad-ass as you.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
The two of them stop off in the hallway just past the door Leslie is hiding behind, and she stops breathing, lest they could hear her. One of them is jingling their keys, but they linger inside.
Donna says, “Damn, though, who would have thought, you and Ann?”
Leslie’s mouth drops open.
“Hey, when you got game, you got game. A gentleman never reveals the details.”
Erika thought Tom was lying on the first draft. No! It happened. And it happened because she’s a Tom/Ann shipper, and I like her even though I don’t really like the pairing. I’ve now written two stories where Tom and Ann happen, and she’s written zero. How’d that happen?
I considered adding a Ann/Chris scene, to parallel their earlier hallway scene, where they run into each other post-coital and discuss that, but (1) I wanted to keep the narrative tight (2) my instincts for that potential scene were terrible, and it would have gotten way overly- meta. Though this was supposed to be meta, this was not supposed to be that meta.
“A lady never does either. So let me tell you, Chris must work out six times a day-”
Ben’s mouth opens too.
“Because that man is in fine shape.”
There is a pause, and it’s all Leslie can do not to launch herself out that door and into their conversation.
Tom is a little quieter this time. “There’s something about beautiful people, though-“
“Us?”
I think everyone in this bar is hot, but let’s be clear, while I think it’s not terrible fair and there’s a lot of complicated reasons for it, two of these actors appeared half-naked on magazine covers last year, and two of them did not.
“They just don’t seem to try as hard.”
This has been my experience, personally. Attractive people don’t try in bed. I know this, because I never try at all.
“Yeah, he wasn’t the best. Top ten percent, naked, but barely top half on effort. Top quarter on performance.”
And then there’s that high-five noise, again, and they are gone.
“This has been the weirdest day,” Ben says. Suddenly, his phone goes off. “Damn it!”
“It’s fine, they’re gone, what is it?”
“Chris sent me an email. Blah blah blah, reports, he’s in an excellent mood-“
“Yeah he is!”
Over the summer hiatus, there was a lot of speculation that Chris would change his mind on governmental relationships because he’d want to get back together with Ann, thus clearing the way for Leslie and Ben. I hated that idea, because the rule makes sense! The rule should be the rule! But on any other show, I think that’s how they’d play it. So far, except for a vague hint in 4x02, I think the Chris-likes-Ann-again idea they hinted at after Lil’ Sebastian’s funeral has been a red herring. But when I started writing this, it was still on my mind as a possible way this show could go.
As it happens, I posted this after the Christmas episode, but started writing it three weeks prior.
And then they aired the trial, 4x09, and damn it, now I just don’t believe Chris would have sex with one of his employees.
But… it’s a kinkmeme prompt, and more importantly, I was about to go on vacation, so I wanted to wrap this up. And really, if Tom was going to get laid, Donna should too, and who was she going to sleep with? Ron? I’d read that, actually, but I don’t think so. And who does that leave? Jerry? No!
Besides, I think it’s canon that Donna finds Chris attractive-3x07, 4x07 come to mind-so I went with it.
But I still feel a little weird about it.
“And that’s because-according to his work email, Leslie-they have an email address for the culprit. Some graduate of Sarah Lawrence?”
“It was a woman?”
Joe from Sewage, clearly.
“I guess? We’ll look into it tomorrow.”
“We should-“
“Yeah?”
“If you want, we should go get some dinner.”
“There’s this great place I found on Summit , for Mexican, they have really authentic horchata-“
“Or, and this is just an idea, but what if we went to JJs and got waffles?”
“Of course.”
He leans over in the doorway and goes to kiss her on the cheek, and she turns her head and captures his mouth instead. And for a moment she considers going back up to his office, or her office, or staying in Weights and Measures, but he pulls away and grabs her hand.
Leslie turns to him, “Lucky you picked that prompt. You could have chosen, oh, Centaur!Leslie lets Ben ride her and then where would we be?”
Not a real prompt, but someone mentioned this on their lj as a example of crazy prompts they’d read since apparently in the grand scheme of fandoms sitcom fandoms are pretty tame. Can’t remember who mentioned this, though!
“In the stables?”
“But that was a great prompt and I’m so glad you picked it.”
Ben laughs, “Picked it? I wrote it.”
I want to compare this story to ‘Parallel Lines, Touching.’ During the kinkmeme day, Leslie thinks she’s got the answer: challenging Ben to a bet she’ll win, even if she’s wrong. It’s Devious Leslie, just like I like her. But here, we get Devious Ben, too, who knows Leslie’s wrong and prompts something on the boards to use as his ‘win,’ giving her an out, really. And then from there, we stumble into sex.
And like PL-T, I end this with them getting together but not explaining how they work it out. In my head!canon, it all plays out the same, except now they go on the road trip and totally have sex in the guest bedroom.