Fic: City Hall Nail Salon
Title: City Hall Nail Salon
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 1.3K
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own this show or I would buy you three steak dinners
Timeline: Post 4x18
Summary: As requested by stillscape: Tom talks to the department about Ann. Follows Safer Sex at City Hall, loosely.
Author’s Note: Rikyl always tells me when the sex jokes stick, if you know what I mean, and you probably do.
Also, stillscape and craponaspatula made me swear on a palm tree I would post some fic. And I love palm trees.
April pulled out the nail polish remover and-damn it, where were her cotton balls?
“The Swag Master’s returned to the Parks Department!” Tom said, striding through the door to the department, holding out his hands like anyone was going to hi-five him for returning from his errand.
No one did. In fact, April was the only one looking up at him, as far as she could tell. “You’re definitely the master-something,” she said, smirking.
Maybe she could use Kleenex?
“I’m having some issues with Ann, and I need some answers to my questions about women,” Tom said, slinging himself onto the round table in the middle of the room. “You all know something about women, or are one. Besides, Jean-Ralphio is off being awesome at IU this weekend.”
“What’s he doing there?” Donna asked, a slight sharpness to her voice.
“Trying to hit on the good women of Phi Delta Shortskirts, obviously,” Tom said.
April frowned at her Kleenex experiment. “Nothing hotter than an unemployed ‘pick-up artist.’”
Jerry paused over by the coffee stand. “Well, when I was dating Gail-“
“Eww, Jerry, no. Nooooo,” Tom said, scrunching his nose.
“I’m the only one married more than a year,” Jerry muttered, spilling his coffee on his shirt, and shuffling back to his desk.
Damn it, those cotton balls were- finally.
“What’s the problem, Tom?” Donna asked, resting her head on her palm.
“I just don’t quite know how to-seal the deal, to stake the take, bag the dagger… “
Donna looked appalled. “Wait, are we talking sex? Haven’t you been seeing her for two months now?”
“It depends if you are counting days in a row, or days total. Because one answer is 1.5, and one is 27.”
“Oooh, I’d go pitch my tent on some easier ground. If I’m not singing soprano two hours after I meet the guy, I’ve just wasted two hours, you hear me?”
“Bully, I see we’ve decided to spend the day talking about sex,” Ron said, stepping out of his office. “I commend your slacking, but stop.” He turned back in, slamming the door.
No one spoke. Or pointed out that the recent parade of red shirts was telling the entire office exactly how things were going with Professor Linda.
“I’m just sayin’ she probably thinks you can’t, or you would’ve tried already,” Donna said, pulling out her pocket mirror and checking her lipstick.
“I’ve tried! She cheeks me every time.”
April rolled her eyes.
Donna grinned. “Hell yeah! We used to do that in college-"
“I mean I try to kiss her and she gives me her cheek.”
“You haven’t even kissed her? Then you’re an idiot.” She stomped over to the filing cabinet and threw a file on top.
Personally, April didn’t understand how anyone slept with Ann. That had to be bland, boring sex. Probably in the missionary position, lights out, eyes closed.
She leaned over to her computer, and pulled up her tumblr.
note to self find handcuffs possibly still in bens room make sure to put back bens skinny ties too
and tagged it really hes at fault here, lock your door idiot, his sheets have no pizza on them
She had thirty ‘likes’ before she switched browser tabs.
April pulled out her nail file, and started smoothing the sides of nailed into perfect little half-moons. She had the time.
Chris bounded through the front of the department, smiling broadly, and held out a stack of papers. He was rattling off instructions for Ron-when he asked her if she wouldn’t have an easier time writing them down, she told him she was practicing those memory exercises with Ben, and Chris glowed and kept going- and she was almost done with her left hand, when-
“Chris-Miss, how’s it hanging? Listen, I have a dilemma I’m sure you can offer some assistance with-“
For fuck’s sake.
“I don’t want this to be weird, but you not only dated Ann, you are the fourth best-dressed man in Pawnee. I appreciate a guy that can wear a suit like you-“ And he prattled on, discussing suits, which was fine, though stupid. As long as Tom was distracted by clothes, she pulled out her bottle of nail polish. It was a dark blue-ish purple, and she’d barely gotten three nails painted when-
“But I just don’t understand why we haven’t tried out these ridic new condoms I have, they have special ribbing-“
Chris made an anguished face, and April sighed. She pulled out her phone, and sent Andy a message:
call chris right now and tell him we need him to watch champion tonight because were going out town
im at leslies campaign thing. you can eat too much cake it turns out. where r we going
its leslie and bens date night and i promised him wed clear out so nowhere were staying home obviously
so why does he need to watch champion?
omg just do it
She stashed her phone and went back to her nails.
A moment later Chris’s pocket started buzzing.
“I thought we weren’t supposed to have our phones on at work,” she said, and when Chris turned to her she started flicking her eyes from him to the door. It took him a second, but when his eyes lit up she knew he understood, and he made his excuses and left.
Tom looked disappointed.
April started on her left hand. “You’re an idiot,” she said to Tom, slashing an X in front of his face with her nail polish brush.
“I’m going to the source for the 411. Any other detail there is irrelevant.”
“Tom? How’s the editing coming for my safer sex project?” Ann was standing at the door, clutching a binder to her chest.
“Hey Beautiful, how’s the hottest woman in City Hall?”
She walked into the department. “Great. Working, actually, so if you could just tell me how that video’s coming?”
“Ann, you look so tense,” Donna said. April and Tom turned to each other, eyes wide with panic, but Donna continued. “Maybe you need to just relax, get some… relaxation.”
Ann looked around the room, at the shock on April and Tom’s faces, the guilty (or was that just stupid) look of Jerry’s, and Donna’s smirk.
Jerry sipped his coffee. “Ann, I just want you to know, we respect your decisions to be intimate or not with whoever you’re seeing. Frankly, I think sometimes celibacy can do wonders-just ask Gail, we haven’t-“
“You” and she let that word hang there, glaring at Tom. But then she stomped over to the round table Tom had been lounging on, and slammed her binder on the table.
“Would you sleep with him?” she asked, looking from April to Jerry to Donna. April considered. If I were single, and drunk… or Andy was really drunk… But that thought was interrupted by Ann’s “No, you wouldn’t. We,” she said glaring at Tom, “Are over.” And she brushed her skirt, ran her hand through her hair, and then started walking slowly, head held high, towards the door.
“Wait, Ann, I just wanted to-“ And Tom took out the door after her. They could hear his voice, getting high-pitched, and Ann’s furious voice, getting deep and loud, from beyond the door.
“I don’t like this at all. We should do something,” Jerry said.
“Yeah, we should get them to come back in here,” Donna said. She jogged over to the door to eavesdrop. “This is even better than last week when they broke up over ketchup.”
Personally, April preferred when they broke up over the Fast and Furious movies, but this was almost as good. She waved her hands around hurry up the drying process.
Her nails looked awesome.
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 1.3K
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own this show or I would buy you three steak dinners
Timeline: Post 4x18
Summary: As requested by stillscape: Tom talks to the department about Ann. Follows Safer Sex at City Hall, loosely.
Author’s Note: Rikyl always tells me when the sex jokes stick, if you know what I mean, and you probably do.
Also, stillscape and craponaspatula made me swear on a palm tree I would post some fic. And I love palm trees.
April pulled out the nail polish remover and-damn it, where were her cotton balls?
“The Swag Master’s returned to the Parks Department!” Tom said, striding through the door to the department, holding out his hands like anyone was going to hi-five him for returning from his errand.
No one did. In fact, April was the only one looking up at him, as far as she could tell. “You’re definitely the master-something,” she said, smirking.
Maybe she could use Kleenex?
“I’m having some issues with Ann, and I need some answers to my questions about women,” Tom said, slinging himself onto the round table in the middle of the room. “You all know something about women, or are one. Besides, Jean-Ralphio is off being awesome at IU this weekend.”
“What’s he doing there?” Donna asked, a slight sharpness to her voice.
“Trying to hit on the good women of Phi Delta Shortskirts, obviously,” Tom said.
April frowned at her Kleenex experiment. “Nothing hotter than an unemployed ‘pick-up artist.’”
Jerry paused over by the coffee stand. “Well, when I was dating Gail-“
“Eww, Jerry, no. Nooooo,” Tom said, scrunching his nose.
“I’m the only one married more than a year,” Jerry muttered, spilling his coffee on his shirt, and shuffling back to his desk.
Damn it, those cotton balls were- finally.
“What’s the problem, Tom?” Donna asked, resting her head on her palm.
“I just don’t quite know how to-seal the deal, to stake the take, bag the dagger… “
Donna looked appalled. “Wait, are we talking sex? Haven’t you been seeing her for two months now?”
“It depends if you are counting days in a row, or days total. Because one answer is 1.5, and one is 27.”
“Oooh, I’d go pitch my tent on some easier ground. If I’m not singing soprano two hours after I meet the guy, I’ve just wasted two hours, you hear me?”
“Bully, I see we’ve decided to spend the day talking about sex,” Ron said, stepping out of his office. “I commend your slacking, but stop.” He turned back in, slamming the door.
No one spoke. Or pointed out that the recent parade of red shirts was telling the entire office exactly how things were going with Professor Linda.
“I’m just sayin’ she probably thinks you can’t, or you would’ve tried already,” Donna said, pulling out her pocket mirror and checking her lipstick.
“I’ve tried! She cheeks me every time.”
April rolled her eyes.
Donna grinned. “Hell yeah! We used to do that in college-"
“I mean I try to kiss her and she gives me her cheek.”
“You haven’t even kissed her? Then you’re an idiot.” She stomped over to the filing cabinet and threw a file on top.
Personally, April didn’t understand how anyone slept with Ann. That had to be bland, boring sex. Probably in the missionary position, lights out, eyes closed.
She leaned over to her computer, and pulled up her tumblr.
note to self find handcuffs possibly still in bens room make sure to put back bens skinny ties too
and tagged it really hes at fault here, lock your door idiot, his sheets have no pizza on them
She had thirty ‘likes’ before she switched browser tabs.
April pulled out her nail file, and started smoothing the sides of nailed into perfect little half-moons. She had the time.
Chris bounded through the front of the department, smiling broadly, and held out a stack of papers. He was rattling off instructions for Ron-when he asked her if she wouldn’t have an easier time writing them down, she told him she was practicing those memory exercises with Ben, and Chris glowed and kept going- and she was almost done with her left hand, when-
“Chris-Miss, how’s it hanging? Listen, I have a dilemma I’m sure you can offer some assistance with-“
For fuck’s sake.
“I don’t want this to be weird, but you not only dated Ann, you are the fourth best-dressed man in Pawnee. I appreciate a guy that can wear a suit like you-“ And he prattled on, discussing suits, which was fine, though stupid. As long as Tom was distracted by clothes, she pulled out her bottle of nail polish. It was a dark blue-ish purple, and she’d barely gotten three nails painted when-
“But I just don’t understand why we haven’t tried out these ridic new condoms I have, they have special ribbing-“
Chris made an anguished face, and April sighed. She pulled out her phone, and sent Andy a message:
call chris right now and tell him we need him to watch champion tonight because were going out town
im at leslies campaign thing. you can eat too much cake it turns out. where r we going
its leslie and bens date night and i promised him wed clear out so nowhere were staying home obviously
so why does he need to watch champion?
omg just do it
She stashed her phone and went back to her nails.
A moment later Chris’s pocket started buzzing.
“I thought we weren’t supposed to have our phones on at work,” she said, and when Chris turned to her she started flicking her eyes from him to the door. It took him a second, but when his eyes lit up she knew he understood, and he made his excuses and left.
Tom looked disappointed.
April started on her left hand. “You’re an idiot,” she said to Tom, slashing an X in front of his face with her nail polish brush.
“I’m going to the source for the 411. Any other detail there is irrelevant.”
“Tom? How’s the editing coming for my safer sex project?” Ann was standing at the door, clutching a binder to her chest.
“Hey Beautiful, how’s the hottest woman in City Hall?”
She walked into the department. “Great. Working, actually, so if you could just tell me how that video’s coming?”
“Ann, you look so tense,” Donna said. April and Tom turned to each other, eyes wide with panic, but Donna continued. “Maybe you need to just relax, get some… relaxation.”
Ann looked around the room, at the shock on April and Tom’s faces, the guilty (or was that just stupid) look of Jerry’s, and Donna’s smirk.
Jerry sipped his coffee. “Ann, I just want you to know, we respect your decisions to be intimate or not with whoever you’re seeing. Frankly, I think sometimes celibacy can do wonders-just ask Gail, we haven’t-“
“You” and she let that word hang there, glaring at Tom. But then she stomped over to the round table Tom had been lounging on, and slammed her binder on the table.
“Would you sleep with him?” she asked, looking from April to Jerry to Donna. April considered. If I were single, and drunk… or Andy was really drunk… But that thought was interrupted by Ann’s “No, you wouldn’t. We,” she said glaring at Tom, “Are over.” And she brushed her skirt, ran her hand through her hair, and then started walking slowly, head held high, towards the door.
“Wait, Ann, I just wanted to-“ And Tom took out the door after her. They could hear his voice, getting high-pitched, and Ann’s furious voice, getting deep and loud, from beyond the door.
“I don’t like this at all. We should do something,” Jerry said.
“Yeah, we should get them to come back in here,” Donna said. She jogged over to the door to eavesdrop. “This is even better than last week when they broke up over ketchup.”
Personally, April preferred when they broke up over the Fast and Furious movies, but this was almost as good. She waved her hands around hurry up the drying process.
Her nails looked awesome.