Fic: Mirror Shock
Title: Mirror Shock
Author: saucydiva
Word count: Just shy of 7K
Rating: R, for things done, said, and implied with mouths.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you a candy bar whenever you voted
Timeline: 3x15
Warning: Dub-con, because that is the nature of the genre
Summary:
Ben and Leslie are secret-dating.
April and Andy are throwing a dinner party.
But when April wakes up, she discovers and Ben have switched bodies….
Author’s Note: jncar prompted it, and I had to. Thanks to craponaspatula and stillscape for all the things, but most specifically this one thing, and throwingpens for not shutting off her phone and brainstorming with me instead.
April woke up with a start.
Something was wrong.
She cracked open her eyes. The sun was- the room was-
There were sheets on the bed.
It wasn’t her room. But what room was it? She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and looked around.
How was she in Ben’s room? There wasn’t enough alcohol-Andy would-what the hell was going on? She looked around wildly, and Ben was nowhere to be seen, thank god.
She brought her hands up to her eyes again, and-
There was something wrong with her hands. She put them in front of her to study them, and they… they weren’t hers. Clearly male, no rings, no polish. And they were attached to her brain, of that she was certain, since they flexed when she flexed her hands, and snapped on her command, and touched her face-
Her face wasn’t right either. The nose was bigger, the lips broader.
And her hair was sticky with all sorts of gross product-
She threw back the sheets and took off for the bathroom.
As she ran-what were these feet, she wasn’t steady on them at all- she realized there was something deeply wrong with her vulva. She just couldn’t think about that, though, and she pulled open the bathroom door with those terrible wrong hands and grabbed at the mirror-
Holy shit. Ben looked back at her. She panicked, reached up to touch the mirror and he raised his hand too. She touched her ears-only they weren’t hers.
She-she-was Ben!
She pulled down her pajama pants, just to be sure.
Eh, she thought. That’s a little disappointing.
She was eating breakfast ten minutes later, wondering who was going to clean up her very unsuccessful attempt at peeing, when Andy entered the kitchen.
“Ben, who said you could eat our coco-mc-puff-nuggets?”
She grimaced. “Andy I-“ And she found that she couldn’t get a word out. Or rather, she couldn’t get the truth out. Every time she started to try to explain, the words caught in her throat. Great. She sighed, and asked, “Where’s April?”
“She’s gone already, I think she went to work which is so weird because why would she go to work early? Who does she think she is, you?” Andy laughed at his own joke, and then nuked some pizza.
She stood in front of Ben’s closet, wondering what to wear. It was all so terrible, so ridiculous. She’d often suspected he dressed in the dark, but apparently these were her options.
She put on jeans and a t-shirt, because she could. And because she wasn’t really sure how to tie a tie. Ben would be mad, but she was also mad that he was in her body, presumably, so shut up, Ben. She grabbed a cardigan, too.
She stopped off at Starbucks on the way to work, and was reading the text messages on Ben’s phone when someone in line in front of her coughed delicately.
“So, nice weather we’ve been having, hmm?”
April didn’t look up. “Yeah, great.”
Then she felt a hand on her arm, and when she looked up, there was a pretty woman, not too old, wearing a business suit. She tossed her hair, which was a glossy chestnut color, and said, “I just love spring. Time to throw off all those heavy clothes….”
Oh.
“Can I see your phone?” The woman asked, touching her wrist.
She handed it over, and the woman typed something in before handing it back with a wink, then turned around to order.
April-well, Ben, really-had gotten her number. What was wrong with the women of Pawnee?
The woman stopped by April on the way out the door, triple-whipped mocha in hand, and did the finger-phone thing at her. “Call me,” she mouthed.
“Maybe.” April said, looking back down at Gloria’s number.
She stomped into her-well, Ben’s-office half an hour later.
What did Ben do in this office all day? She started going through his drawers, curious what he kept here. A casual perusal of the stuff he kept at home had only taught her that he was stupid enough to pay for porn and that grown men could still buy dolls. All in their original packaging like he was the 40 Year Old Virgin or something. Was he keeping the good stuff at work?
She was going through his files when she heard “Ben! That’s some unusual hair!”
Chris walked into her office, without even knocking.
She ran her fingers through Ben’s hair. She hadn’t bothered to brush it or gel it or whatever weirdness he did in the morning.
“Chris,” she said, interrupting his blathering about paperwork or the Middle East or whatever. She grabbed his arm. “Let’s talk, man to man.” Or man to Ben.
He looked thrilled. “Are you having performance anxiety?”
April paused. “Have I ever come to you for that?”
“No. But you haven’t come to me like this since you got that rash from all that biking last summer.”
“We’ll come back to that rash in a minute. No, I just wanted to talk about-you and me.”
“Great!” Chris looked deep into her eyes. “There is nothing I’d rather discuss.”
“Historically. We’ve been close, right?”
“Absolutely! You’ve been the best friend a man could ask for.”
“And we’ve had to share a room, right?”
If Chris thought this was a weird line of questioning, he said nothing, which made April wonder what the hell their conversations were like normally. “Ben, you know, I don’t think we’ve had to share since… I think when we were in that charming B&B two years ago, and the water main froze, remember, and the pipes burst in your room? That was a fun storm. I went skiing.”
“Fascinating. I meant more like-“ She paused, searching for the right words. “Chris, I’m-writing a romance novel with April.” Chris looked completely convinced of this, which was fantastic, because it was a dumb lie. “And I was trying to tell her about that time we-you remember, that time.” She traced her fingers on Chris’s forearm, which feels muscular underneath his suit.
There had to be a that time, right? They’d worked together for a decade, and come on, there was no way they hadn’t messed around at some point. She tried wiggling her eyebrows at Chris, which wasn’t something she ever did, and probably wasn’t something Ben ever did either.
“Oh, Ben, are you talking about that time we-“
“Ben?” Goddamnit, Jerry. “We need you down in the Parks department, can you come down there? Hey Chris.” Jerry nodded at Chris.
April stomped her foot. “Fine, Jerry, just one minute.” She turned to Chris, who was checking his phone now, the moment lost. “We should still discuss this-or can you email me-or April, let me give you her personal email address, and you just email her the details, please. Be as detailed as possible. Dates are helpful too. This conversation isn’t over.”
April-Ben as April, that is-wasn’t there when she got there, and Leslie was missing too, but Ron was in his office, and Donna at her desk, and Tom was wandering, and she signed Jerry’s stupid papers. She only signed one of them as April, which she was sure Jerry would never catch, anyway.
“What’s the deal with your roommate, Wyatt?” Donna said, looking up from her nails. “She knocked over a bunch of things-“ she pointed at the permits desk, which was almost bare- “and she was stuttering and when Andy came in here she refused to kiss him. I offered, but he turned me down. I don’t know what that skinny little child can give him that I can’t, but that’s marriage for you.”
She had to find that idiot before he ruined her forever. April ignored Donna’s discussion with Tom about what April was wearing, and she stomped out of there, and had barely gotten three feet out the door when she saw Ann.
God, Ann was annoying in her stupid cardigans and blouses, with her stupid hair and her ridiculous legs.
She hated Ann.
She should seduce Ann.
The more she considered the idea, the better it sounded. Ann was single, and she’d been dating everyone lately. Clearly her standards were low enough to go for a Ben-looking guy.
Ann was twirling her hair around while she was checking her phone.
April walked over, stood in front of Ann, and waited for Ann to look at her. When she did, April smiled.
“Hi, Ben,” Ann said, going back to her phone.
This had worked on Gloria, so why wasn’t it working on Ann?
“You’re dressing better now that you started working here,” April said, smiling with her teeth.
“Um.”
“And you know, I’m pretty good in bed, despite the weird shape of my-“
“I have to go,” Ann said, putting her phone away. “I’m sure she’s glad for that, though. But let’s not talk about it.”
That hadn’t worked. And who was she?
“There you are!” Someone grabbed her, pulling her into the janitor’s closet. “I barely recognized you in that outfit. I can hardly-“
It was Leslie.
And those were Leslie’s breasts, peeking out from her blazer and weird shirt.
“We only have a few minutes, but I’m ready to go. Why are your pants still on? Can you-“ and she reached for Ben’s pants.
Well, this was a surprise, to say the least. Ben’s body reacted, though. And April’s brain, too. She’d never been with a woman, but she’d been curious, and she’d never had sex as a man, and wasn’t really cheating on Andy because-
And then all thoughts exited her head, since Leslie dropped to her knees.
April had given blowjobs in her life. She even considered herself pretty good-she’d had a gay boyfriend, after all-but she’d never really considered what it felt like to be the guy.
It was different than when she got head. She loved Andy, but in her female body, it wasn’t always easy to come. If she got distracted or something pinched weird or the music was wrong, it was all over for her. Sometimes, she’d play scenarios in her head, the stuff she couldn’t even verbalize to her husband, in order to get over that crest. And maybe she’d faked it a few times.
But in this body, she just felt, and there was no need to do anything else.
She grabbed at the shelf above her, groping for something to hold on to. A cascade of-pens?- showered over them, but Leslie kept going; she even giggled, and that felt amazing. April’s fingers slipped over stray pens before she found a solid empty spot on that shelf to clutch, and she shoved her other hand in her mouth to keep quiet.
April understood Andy so much better now.
April exited the janitor’s closet a few minutes later, with a newfound respect for Leslie, and a fascinating technique to employ on Andy’s balls, and the distinct feeling she should’ve experimented more in before she got married.
She was still not that impressed with Ben’s penis, however.
Leslie was behind her, giggling.
“Leslie,” April said. “Would you say we’ve been doing this… for days? Weeks? Or months? This never happened at my-April and Andy’s house, right?”
“Ha ha, Ben,” Leslie said, eyes darting around the empty hallway. “Like you don’t know.”
“I just haven’t been… myself lately,” April said, rolling her eyes.
Leslie’s face went slack suddenly. “Ben, what’s my middle name?”
“I don’t know.”
“What was my Model UN position paper on when I went to the Georgetown conference in the tenth grade?”
“Who cares?”
“What color are my sheets?”
April took a wild guess. “Blue.”
Leslie’s eyes narrowed. “That’s correct, but… you aren’t yourself…” She looked puzzled, then finally pulled April back in the closet with her.
April immediately went for Leslie’s pants.
Leslie put on her hands to stop April. “You’re not Ben! Who are you?”
April opened her mouth to answer, but the words got caught again in her throat. She shrugged.
Leslie started ticking people off on her fingers. “Tom. Ron. Ugh-Jerry? Ann. Chris. Donna? Joe? Andy? Councilman Howser.”
April rolled her eyes again.
Leslie’s eyes lit up. “APRIL. April, are you in Ben? How? Why?” She snapped her fingers. “This explains-I couldn’t figure out why April-er, Ben-was being so weird in my office today. You two can’t talk about this with anyone, right? Physically can’t discuss it? This is like that movie.”
April nodded.
“I-“ suddenly, Leslie clutched her shirt, hiding her skin. “I did not mean for you to see me like that. I thought you were Ben, Ben and I have been secretly-maybe you could just not tell anyone about this?”
“We should-“ April tried to say find Ben but couldn’t. Luckily, Leslie understood, and pulled April from the closet again, determination in her eyes.
“You know,” Leslie said as they walked down the hallway. “I should’ve guessed. Ben-“ she looked around nervously, then dropped to a lower register. “Ben’s a hair-puller.”
Ugh. “You’re saying you should’ve guessed this?”
Leslie paused. “Well, maybe not.”
They came up to Andy, who was shining that one dude’s shoes, the one who was always over there.
“Beat it, Kyle,” Andy said, whapping the guy’s shoes with his towel. “Ben, Leslie, nice to see the two of you out and about. What can I do you for?”
“Andy I have to tell you-“ and Leslie coughed, unable to squeeze out the words. She flapped her jaw, whacked her chest, but couldn’t do anything. “Rats.”
“Oh Leslie! That reminds me! You’re coming to the dinner party tonight, right?”
“What dinner party?” she asked, looking at April.
Andy answered for her. “A very mature adult dinner party. We split it up, Ben doing the food, decorations, party games, cleaning, and the table cloth, and April and I invited everyone. Except-maybe we forgot. Ben, can you invite everyone?”
April suppressed a groan. Damnit. “Leslie-“
“Absolutely. You know, let me invite everyone, Ben’s got enough on his mind. And I have to get going anyway, and you two-well, you probably can’t talk, but, hmmm. I’ll see you two later. And I’ll keep an eye out for April.” With that, Leslie took off down the hall, heels clacking.
“Ben, you got all the stuff you gotta do for tonight? I dunno if you want to take off work early or what, but the bathroom’s grosser than usual.”
“I’ve got it,” April sighed. “Listen, if you see April, send her to me. Also, she mentioned how much she wants sheets on her bed, and I have extras in my third sock drawer, so grab a set when you get home? I don’t mind. Oh, and you know what I heard? Ladies love surprise neck kissing.”
Andy giggled and gave her a strange look.
She continued. “You should try that with April. Then send her to me, immediately. I don’t know why her phone is off, but if she broke it-and she better not have-then you call me, got it?” She wanted to kiss him goodbye, but that was a little weird, so she jerked her neck back and walked off, contemplating just what she was going to do with her afternoon.
But first things first. She pulled out Ben’s phone… and his wallet.
“Hello? Big Head Joe’s? Do you cater?”
***
April wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She wasn’t going to work, obviously, as she wasn’t even sure what Ben did all day. Probably played Tetris or something.
She’d taken care of everything for the party. Or more specifically, Ben’s credit card took care of everything
Time to do some research, she thought, and went back to her office.
She spent time on Wikipedia, researching all the body-switching movies she could find, but all she learned was that Hollywood thought Asians were magical.
Meanwhile, she’d discovered one of the downsides to the male body. She’d spent most of the morning sexting Gloria, and she learned that arousal affected her male body so differently than her female body.
Whereas she’d been able to concentrate with a low level of arousal while female, she’d discovered that her new penis-and its subsequent hard on-made accomplishing things nearly impossible. She also discovered that touching said hard on through the jeans practically made her eyes roll back in her head.
She grabbed Ben’s padfolio and ran to the bathroom.
***
April was masturbating for the third time that morning when the door to the bathroom swung open dramatically. She got quiet-she wasn’t going to repeat that mistake again, and get another lecture from Chris-when she heard a hiss outside her stall.
“April Ludgate.”
Oh no.
She exited the stall quickly.
“Ron,” she said, staring him down.
He gave her a hard look. “I knew it.”
“How’d you guess?”
“He greeted me.”
She cocked her head at him.
“You have to share a roof. And you weren’t Andrew.” He looked her over and shook his head. “My office.”
Once they settled in over some malted beverages, April asked the obvious question. “How’d you guess bodyswapping?”
“It happens every full moon in Pawnee, plus the day before and after.”
“And you know this because…?”
“The nineteen-eighties were a strange time.”
April nodded. She’d seen Bosom Buddies. She looked at her nails and their ragged cuticles. “Leslie guessed.”
“How?” Ron asked, his eyebrows raised just a hair.
April shrugged. It wasn’t her secret to share.
“Who else knows?”
“No one. How do we cure this?”
“Well, there’s the physical act of lovemaking-“
April dry-heaved.
“Or you can sleep it off. These things cure themselves at the end after the three fullest days of the moon cycle.”
April pulled out her phone to check the moon cycle, and Ron glared. “Two more days.”
“Ron,” She said, pleading look in her eye.
“Or, you can learn to appreciate each other.” Ron took a swig of his drink.
April sighed.
“Or you can have relations with him.”
“I’d rather die.”
“I’m sending you home. Ben should be there. I sent him home after he mucked up Senior Bingo.”
April felt her heart clench. Every Friday for the past year, she’d been in charge of Senior Bingo at the community center. If Ben had upset the seniors-
Ron took a swig from his cup. “They’re fine. Physically.”
She was relieved. “Should I tell Chris I’m leaving?”
“I’ll take care of it. But if I end up conversing on the topic of anything, you’ll both owe me.”
April was halfway out the door when Ron cleared his throat. “April, fix this all before the dinner party. And I’ll need fridge space.”
***
April pulled up to Fat Tony’s Premium Tattoo Emporium. Emporium seemed like a stretch, as it was in a stripmall with a yoga studio and a Chinese restaurant, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he rarely screwed up his tattoos.
“Fat Tony!” she said, greeting him as though he was an old friend. His confused look, though, reminded her that she was in stupid Ben’s stupid body, and he didn’t know he was her old friend.
“I need a tattoo. I’m thinking something big but quick, maybe some words, maybe a mermaid. Maybe a lobster with wings on a motorcycle jumping over a skull surrounded by rats-“
“Wait, I know where I know you from!” Tony snapped his fingers and pulled a photo from behind the desk. “One of my friends stopped by, just a few hours ago, and told me under no circumstances was I to tattoo you. She was acting sort of weird, jittery. I hope she’s not on something, but anything for April. She has an ass like you wouldn’t believe.”
Goddamn it, Ben. And, for that matter, gross, Fat Tony.
She pulled out Ben’s wallet. “I think we can come to some sort of agreement, sir.”
***
April pulled into the driveway an hour later.
She stormed inside. Today was just not as fun as she would’ve hoped, outside of her new penis.
At least jerking off in the car had been fun.
She’d gotten almost used to her new body, not getting visibly startled when she looked in the mirror anymore. Her mother, when April was a little girl, would brush her hair and impart wisdom on her, most of which didn’t even make sense until recently, and she remembered one afternoon, her mother explained to her that people could get used to almost anything. Her sister had screamed a blood-curdling scream, possibly because she’d found out her Barbies had been ransomed, if April remembered correctly, and her mother hadn’t even flinched, smiling serenely as she continued to brush April’s hair. “Anything,” she whispered. “You’ll be shocked how quickly the extraordinary becomes commonplace.”
So on some level, April expected to see Ben’s face in the mirror. What she was not prepared for, however, was opening the door and seeing herself right there.
“April,” Ben said, looking just as shocked. April could only stare at her lips moving at someone else’s accord, hearing her name from her own mouth.
“Ben,” April said, and he furrowed her brows-his brows?-in confusion. She reached out Ben’s hands and touched her face, felt her lips, touched her cheek. She brushed her hair out of Ben’s face. Ben, meanwhile, was gaping, but reached out and touched her watch.
“I wear my watch on my right arm, you know,” he said in her voice.
“That’s the thing you want to discuss?” She said, smacking her hand-her Ben hand-against her thigh.
“I’m just saying. Someone could notice.”
“And I’m just saying get the hell out of my body!”
“I don’t know what to do about this, April! You know, this might surprise you, but this has never happened to me before.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you say that to all the girls. Which, dude-“ she reached over and slugged him in the arm, not even considering if it would be a bruise when she got back in there-“Leslie.”
Ben buried her face in her hand. “How’d you…”
April rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue firmly against the side of his mouth, pushing up and down along the inside of his cheek.
Ben closed her eyes and cringed visibly.
April smirked. Nothing like the universal sign for “Your secret girlfriend who is totally slumming mouth-banged your body in the supply closet” to freak a guy out.
“Babe?” They heard Andy’s voice, and suddenly April was filled with dread. They needed to discuss this, Ben and her, and they needed to discuss it where Andy couldn’t hear, and they needed to get this all sorted out before the dinner party which was soon. Not that people would be on time, except Jerry, probably, but still, this wasn’t good.
Andy banged open the door. “April!” he said, sweeping Ben up in a kiss. Ben went boneless, clearly hoping to slip out of Andy’s grip, but it didn’t work, because Andy just turned Ben around and smushed him up against the wall.
April had the strange experience of getting a little turned on in her penis from watching her husband kiss her body from several feet away.
It might be time for a nap.
“What are you doing here, Andy?” she asked, leaning casually against the wall. “Work doesn’t end for another hour.”
“I could ask you both the same question,” he said, arm around Ben’s shoulders. “How interesting that you both took off on the same day.”
“We were just… having a discussion about… there’s nothing weird… going on. Baseball?” Ben said, her face twisted in confusion.
“April and I were just discussing the party. She’s going to go clean the bathroom because I’m sort of gross, and you and I are going to set up the tables. Food should start arriving here soon. Leslie was taking care of the invitations, so I’m sure everyone’s coming. We need to get Taboo.”
Andy relaxed a little. “What?”
“The game, which we-you two don’t have.”
“Leslie has it,” Ben said. “I don’t know it, but I know she has it.”
April continued. “You know, the game where you can’t say certain things and other people have to figure it out? Ron and Leslie are both really good at it. Ron practically invented it, actually. April, do you know of anyone who’s really good at that game?”
“No. And I’m not great at Bingo,” Ben said. “Or lipstick. And I think I did too much work this morning.”
“Great,” April said. “Let’s move these tables.”
***
“We need to learn to appreciate each other,” April whispered.
Ben nodded, and then looked perplexed. “What?”
“I don’t know. But Ron knows, and he said it.”
Tom, who had just come through the door, thrust a bottle of wine at Ben with a wink and a “for the lady of the house.” Then he turned to April. “What are you two whispering about?” He had a look on his face as he glanced back and forth between them.
“Stop being weirder than usual, Tom,” April said.
“I’ve got my eyes-“ and at this, he took his fingers and pointed from his eyes to both of their eyes-“on you.”
Tom wandered into the kitchen, and April got as far as, “Ron also said-“
The doorbell, and Ann, cut her off. April grabbed the flowers from her hands, and smiled lasciviously at her. Ann frowned at her, but before Ann could open her mouth, Chris came in. He handed April some sort of mud-looking food thing, and gave her a big hug. Normally, April would’ve avoided this kind of physical contact, but today she held the hug so long that Chris pulled away first, and as he walked over to greet Ann, April smacked him on the ass. It was a little thrilling, something she didn’t want to dwell on.
Chris turned, gave her a slightly puzzled look, till something dawned in his eyes. “I sent that email to April, don’t worry.”
It was all April could do not to launch herself at the nearest internet-capable device. She couldn’t do that, though, because Leslie had swooped in and commandeered Ben, dragging him off, and more people were coming in. Normally she liked a steady stream of chocolates and wine thrown at her, but she really needed to talk to Ben so they could figure something out.
She left Orin in charge of the door, and went off to find Ben.
She couldn’t find Ben, or Leslie either, though she did get to check her email. Instead, she found Jean-Ralphio at the door. He managed to get in even after she slammed the door in his face, and he handed her a coupon for 50% off bleaching services and strolled right in.
Ben and Derek showed up next. They were on the outs, lately, even though they were still acting like a couple. But there’d been some sort of argument- Ben was telling Derek to stop the search for his biological father-and they were mad and honestly, the while thing made April’s head hurt. Ever since she’d got married, she’d found them tedious, especially since Andy had asked her not to flirt with them anymore. But that was honestly when she liked them best.
”They’re gay, Andy,” she’d said, rolling her eyes.
“The kind of gay that dates girls, which I don’t get, but whatever,” Andy’d sighed, pulling her into a hug. He’d never drawn the distinction between Derek, who she’d dated, and Ben, who she hated and only dated in the sense that he was also dating Derek. Sure, she’d blown him a few times, but she never dated him. “I like it when you flirt your way into free drinks, or out of a ticket, but not with exes, ok?”
“Fine. If you and Ann stop eye-fucking each other all the time.” It wasn’t true, but it felt good to lash out, so.
“Absolutely. Don’t worry, Babe.”
But now she could flirt and Andy couldn’t say a damn thing.
“Hello, Ben,” she said, ignoring Derek completely. “Have you ever noticed we have the same name?” She held his handshake just a little too long, then turned abruptly, leaving Derek in the doorway alone. She then guided Ben- her hand hovering over his lower back- to the makeshift bar on the kitchen counter, Derek stomping behind them. She left them to their alcohol, and their fight.
Ron came in soon after, handed her a tray and stared into her eyes for a moment. “I see you’ve failed,” he said gruffly. “I need a drink.”
***
“I’d like to dedicate this dinner party for to the honor of Ann, who got a job at City Hall doing nursing, which is awesome because now she has a reason to be there all the time!” Andy said, a grin on his face. Everyone clinked their glasses together. Ben smiled fondly at Ann, and April glared at him. When Ann looked at her, she licked her lips and looked at Ann’s chest, because this was the most fun she’d had with Ann ever.
“Thank you, Andy, and thanks to you and April for throwing this party,” Ann said, smiling.
“And me,” April said.
“And…Ben,” Ann added, looking cross.
“But mostly April and I,” Andy said. “We’re really good at this.”
“They did a great job!” Leslie said, beaming. “I always knew April could move mountains if she wanted to.”
“I bet you’re pleased with April,” Tom said, shooting Ben a look.
Ben’s eyes widened. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course you don’t,” Tom said.
“All I know is that I was promised girl-on-girl action tonight,” Jean-Ralphio said.
“So you and Tom are finally going to make out?” Donna said, cackling.
“Ice Princess, one day you’re going to warm up and you and I are going to make some beautiful heat together. I’m talking full on friction-“
“Good lord, just stop,” Ben said, massaging his temples.
“Nothing wrong with girl-on-girl action, April, and you should know,” Tom said, smirking.
Ben turned red… and so did Leslie.
Gross, April thought, her day of masturbation and blowjobs forgotten.
“You two look ashamed.” Donna said, swinging her fork from Ben to Leslie. “Why?”
“April’s been hiding something,” Andy declared. “And so has Ben.”
“Actually-“ April said, struggling to get out any other words. She gave up. “No.”
“Nothing,” Ben agreed.
“I’m not talking about April and Ben. I’m talking about April and Leslie. Look at their shame faces. I’m great at recognizing shame on other people, probably because it’s such a foreign concept to me,” Donna said.
“Because I saw them kissing!” Tom said. “Don’t try to deny it, I saw everything. It was in Ben’s bedroom before the party.”
“You saw what?,” Andy said, looking stricken.
Ben opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“Nothing happened,” Leslie assured Andy. “You know how Tom is. April would never cheat on you.”
Andy relaxed visibly.
“I know what I saw. They kissed and then Leslie asked her to use her Janet voice and then- ugh ” Tom’s eyes went wide, and he reached down to massage something, apparently having received a kick from someone.
“You are one lucky SOB, Andy,” Tom said. “All of my dreams, and at least 40% of my waking thoughts, revolve around this kind of scenario. And Leslie’s a good kisser.”
“Leslie, I thought you ended things with Tom,” Chris said, looking concerned. “That was not an invitation to start things with April! Or anyone you work with!”
April giggled. She couldn’t help it.
“It’s forbidden, and unethical, and against all the rules,” Chris continued. “Actually, you know, that’d be a great plot for your romance novel, Ben.”
“I disagree. That’s not a good plot for Ben to write, at all,” Ann said, glaring at Chris.
“Romance novel?” Ben said, looking confused.
“The one we’re writing together,” April said.
“I would sure as hell not read that,” Donna said.
“They aren’t writing a novel,” Andy said. “I know what they’re doing.”
“They have to be writing a novel,” Chris said. “That’s why you wanted all that information, right April?”
Ben blanched. “What information?” He coughed, then gritted out, “Ben, what information?”
“Oh, didn’t you check your email?” Chris said. “Let me resend it.”
“You should copy Ben on that email,” Ben said.
“You probably should,” April agreed, “It’s pretty amazing. So hot it’s probably a violation of work rules to send it.”
“I don’t think so,” Chris said, putting down his phone just the same.
“There’s no ‘novel,’” Andy said, airquoting the word. “April and Ben are working on something else.”
“So my man Andy’s getting a threesome?” Jean-Ralphio asked, grinning. “Now, is this with Leslie or with Ben? Because-“
“There’s no threesome!” Ben burst out.
“There’s no threesome in Pawnee” April said, staring at Ben, then tilting her head towards Chris just a hair.
Ben choked on his burrito.
“That’s not true,” Jean-Ralphio said. “Once there was this super-hot chick who was dancing on me and Tom. We’re talking double Ds out to here and an ass that would make a grown man-“
“So not you?” Donna said.
“And she was dancing between us and she was rubbing all up on me, and-“
“The story ends with both of us getting our wallets stolen,” Tom said. “And it was a beautiful wallet too, imported from Milan as part of the 2008-“
“That night def went into my solodex,” Jean-Ralphio said. “I pull that one out when I’m in line at the bank.”
“Oh! You bank at Fourth Second bank on Hamiliton?” Ann asked. “I’ve seen you there. That’s disgusting.”
“Besides, if I was going to have a threesome….” April said, leaning back. She mouthed another at Ben, just to see him blush again. “It would be with-“ and she twirled her finger around, pretending to decide. She pointed to her sort-of ex Ben. “You, and… you.” And she pointed to Jean-Ralphio. “Not you,” she said, looking at Derek.
“Ok, I don’t know what your deal is, buddy, that’s my boyfriend--“
“Actually we’re not together right now,” Other Ben said.
“And I’m going to punch you in the face!” Derek threw his napkin on the table, stood, and turned to April.
April stood up too, because she knew carrying all those records around had given Derek some pretty lean muscles, and escaping this seemed like a good idea.
She threw her wine in his face.
Derek pressed his fingers, trying to wipe the wine away. April tried to pull her chair out, but it got tangled in Tom’s chair, and she saw Derek’s fist coming just a second too late. She closed her eyes and braced herself, when she heard Ben yell Donnnnnnn’t and felt her body-her real body, with Ben inside-land in front of her. It wasn’t fair to let Ben’s body get injured just because she’d been a jerk, she realized, and she gripped Ben and allowed Derek to punch him.
Then there was a burning, sinking sensation, and everything went dark.
***
April realized she was in her own body when she felt the pinch of an incorrectly sized bra on her chest and the feeling of hot sauce and wine on her shirt.
She stuck out her hand, and it was hers, chipped nail polish and all. She moved that hand, and touched her mouth, and they were definitely her lips. Her nose, her hair half-blocking her view of-
Ann was above her, touching her neck-no, checking her pulse. She shook off the intrusion. She hated Ann.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said, pulling herself to a sitting position. It was then that she realized her eye hurt.
Andy was there a moment later, pressing some cold plastic bag against her face. “That was so cool, Babe.”
“You really know how to take a punch,” Ron said, looking her over. “April.”
“What happened?” She asked.
“Derek tried to punch Ben and you yelled and jumped over the table to protect him,” Leslie said from somewhere nearby.
“April, you can always take a punch for me,” Tom said.
“How’s Derek?” she asked, feeling bad she’d goaded him into it.
“He’s icing his hand in the kitchen,” Ron said. “That boy really knows how to throw a punch. We’re going to practice boxing next weekend.”
“And he’s now attached at the lip to his not-boyfriend,” Ann added.
“I’ve always wanted to try boxing,” Leslie said.
“I need a moment alone with April and Ben,” Ron said. “Scram.”
Everyone complied, and April got to her feet, seeing Ben-in Ben’s body-sitting at the table.
“You two are back, right?” Ron said, peering at both of them. They both nodded. Ron continued. “You can’t tell anyone what happened. Physically, you’ll be unable to do so, unless they are experiencing the same thing. The ‘magic’ has the opportunity to do so now that it’s free to find two other idiots to inhabit for one more night.”
“We need to warn everyone,” Ben said, looking concerned.
“Are you deaf, son? You can’t,” Ron said.
“Why do you say one more night?” Ben asked, eyebrows furrowed.
“It’s a moon thing,” April explained. “And a sleeping-under-the-same-roof- recently thing.”
“And why did we switch back?” Ben asked. “Not that I’m not thrilled.”
April knew. She sacrificed her own body to protect Ben’s body. And Ben took a chance, expecting to take a painful blow to his borrowed face to protect her. They’d done exactly what the curse wanted, and sacrificed for each other. She considered telling him the truth.
Instead she said, “Who cares? At least we’re back.”
Tom came over. “Ben, that was amazing. I had no idea you were such a badass. Insulting someone who’s clearly stronger than you by a significant margin, and then using April as a shield. And that tattoo is dope!”
“Tattoo?” Ben said, all the color draining from his face. “But I-“ He glared at April.
She leaned over and pushed up his sleeve, revealing his pasty arm, where a unicorn was now skipping over a rainbow.
He grabbed her arm and dragged her away from Tom.
“You know, I was willing to forgive whatever hell you clearly put-“ Ben looked around, then dropped his voice an octave. “my penis through, don’t you know about lubercation-”
April shrugged. She had no regrets on that front.
“But a tattoo! And Fat Tony promised. I never should’ve trusted him.”
April smirked. People didn’t give Fat Tony enough credit; he was a genius with Sharpies. She put a hand on his chest and wacked him. “And I suppose you didn’t kiss Leslie?”
Ben flinched. “She wanted to see-look it wasn’t a big deal.” He pulled out his phone. “And who is this Gloria and why is she sending me dirty messages?”
“People are weirdly attracted to you even though you’re undernourished and really pale under your clothes,” April said. “I couldn’t believe it. Well, except Ann. No matter how many times I licked my lips at her-”
Ben looked perplexed and then horrified. “I’m going to have to send her some flowers so she doesn’t think-“
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” April said. “Ann already thinks you want in her pants.”
“I’m going to-“ Ben couldn’t finish his threat, because Andy bounded up to them.
“You two. I can’t believe everything you did just to protect your secret,” Andy said, throwing his arms around both of them.
“What secret would that be?” April said carefully.
“Guys, I know,” Andy said, nuzzling her neck, squashing Ben against her side. “I know.”
“About our secret which is…” Ben said, trying to untangle.
“The birthday party! Which you are throwing for me!” Andy said, laughing. “Don’t worry, I’ll still pretend to be surprised.”
“The birthday party!” Ben said, looking relieved. “Yes, that party. Which we are throwing for you. And have been planning for longer than starting right now. Which is a secret.”
April rolled her eyes.
Ann came up to them, and Andy let Ben go.
Ann gave Ben a toothy smile, and grabbed his shoulder. “Ben, April, Andy, this has literally been the most fun party I’ve ever been to.”
April looked around the room for Chris, who was coughing over by Leslie.
Huh, she thought.
Author: saucydiva
Word count: Just shy of 7K
Rating: R, for things done, said, and implied with mouths.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you a candy bar whenever you voted
Timeline: 3x15
Warning: Dub-con, because that is the nature of the genre
Summary:
Ben and Leslie are secret-dating.
April and Andy are throwing a dinner party.
But when April wakes up, she discovers and Ben have switched bodies….
Author’s Note: jncar prompted it, and I had to. Thanks to craponaspatula and stillscape for all the things, but most specifically this one thing, and throwingpens for not shutting off her phone and brainstorming with me instead.
April woke up with a start.
Something was wrong.
She cracked open her eyes. The sun was- the room was-
There were sheets on the bed.
It wasn’t her room. But what room was it? She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and looked around.
How was she in Ben’s room? There wasn’t enough alcohol-Andy would-what the hell was going on? She looked around wildly, and Ben was nowhere to be seen, thank god.
She brought her hands up to her eyes again, and-
There was something wrong with her hands. She put them in front of her to study them, and they… they weren’t hers. Clearly male, no rings, no polish. And they were attached to her brain, of that she was certain, since they flexed when she flexed her hands, and snapped on her command, and touched her face-
Her face wasn’t right either. The nose was bigger, the lips broader.
And her hair was sticky with all sorts of gross product-
She threw back the sheets and took off for the bathroom.
As she ran-what were these feet, she wasn’t steady on them at all- she realized there was something deeply wrong with her vulva. She just couldn’t think about that, though, and she pulled open the bathroom door with those terrible wrong hands and grabbed at the mirror-
Holy shit. Ben looked back at her. She panicked, reached up to touch the mirror and he raised his hand too. She touched her ears-only they weren’t hers.
She-she-was Ben!
She pulled down her pajama pants, just to be sure.
Eh, she thought. That’s a little disappointing.
She was eating breakfast ten minutes later, wondering who was going to clean up her very unsuccessful attempt at peeing, when Andy entered the kitchen.
“Ben, who said you could eat our coco-mc-puff-nuggets?”
She grimaced. “Andy I-“ And she found that she couldn’t get a word out. Or rather, she couldn’t get the truth out. Every time she started to try to explain, the words caught in her throat. Great. She sighed, and asked, “Where’s April?”
“She’s gone already, I think she went to work which is so weird because why would she go to work early? Who does she think she is, you?” Andy laughed at his own joke, and then nuked some pizza.
She stood in front of Ben’s closet, wondering what to wear. It was all so terrible, so ridiculous. She’d often suspected he dressed in the dark, but apparently these were her options.
She put on jeans and a t-shirt, because she could. And because she wasn’t really sure how to tie a tie. Ben would be mad, but she was also mad that he was in her body, presumably, so shut up, Ben. She grabbed a cardigan, too.
She stopped off at Starbucks on the way to work, and was reading the text messages on Ben’s phone when someone in line in front of her coughed delicately.
“So, nice weather we’ve been having, hmm?”
April didn’t look up. “Yeah, great.”
Then she felt a hand on her arm, and when she looked up, there was a pretty woman, not too old, wearing a business suit. She tossed her hair, which was a glossy chestnut color, and said, “I just love spring. Time to throw off all those heavy clothes….”
Oh.
“Can I see your phone?” The woman asked, touching her wrist.
She handed it over, and the woman typed something in before handing it back with a wink, then turned around to order.
April-well, Ben, really-had gotten her number. What was wrong with the women of Pawnee?
The woman stopped by April on the way out the door, triple-whipped mocha in hand, and did the finger-phone thing at her. “Call me,” she mouthed.
“Maybe.” April said, looking back down at Gloria’s number.
She stomped into her-well, Ben’s-office half an hour later.
What did Ben do in this office all day? She started going through his drawers, curious what he kept here. A casual perusal of the stuff he kept at home had only taught her that he was stupid enough to pay for porn and that grown men could still buy dolls. All in their original packaging like he was the 40 Year Old Virgin or something. Was he keeping the good stuff at work?
She was going through his files when she heard “Ben! That’s some unusual hair!”
Chris walked into her office, without even knocking.
She ran her fingers through Ben’s hair. She hadn’t bothered to brush it or gel it or whatever weirdness he did in the morning.
“Chris,” she said, interrupting his blathering about paperwork or the Middle East or whatever. She grabbed his arm. “Let’s talk, man to man.” Or man to Ben.
He looked thrilled. “Are you having performance anxiety?”
April paused. “Have I ever come to you for that?”
“No. But you haven’t come to me like this since you got that rash from all that biking last summer.”
“We’ll come back to that rash in a minute. No, I just wanted to talk about-you and me.”
“Great!” Chris looked deep into her eyes. “There is nothing I’d rather discuss.”
“Historically. We’ve been close, right?”
“Absolutely! You’ve been the best friend a man could ask for.”
“And we’ve had to share a room, right?”
If Chris thought this was a weird line of questioning, he said nothing, which made April wonder what the hell their conversations were like normally. “Ben, you know, I don’t think we’ve had to share since… I think when we were in that charming B&B two years ago, and the water main froze, remember, and the pipes burst in your room? That was a fun storm. I went skiing.”
“Fascinating. I meant more like-“ She paused, searching for the right words. “Chris, I’m-writing a romance novel with April.” Chris looked completely convinced of this, which was fantastic, because it was a dumb lie. “And I was trying to tell her about that time we-you remember, that time.” She traced her fingers on Chris’s forearm, which feels muscular underneath his suit.
There had to be a that time, right? They’d worked together for a decade, and come on, there was no way they hadn’t messed around at some point. She tried wiggling her eyebrows at Chris, which wasn’t something she ever did, and probably wasn’t something Ben ever did either.
“Oh, Ben, are you talking about that time we-“
“Ben?” Goddamnit, Jerry. “We need you down in the Parks department, can you come down there? Hey Chris.” Jerry nodded at Chris.
April stomped her foot. “Fine, Jerry, just one minute.” She turned to Chris, who was checking his phone now, the moment lost. “We should still discuss this-or can you email me-or April, let me give you her personal email address, and you just email her the details, please. Be as detailed as possible. Dates are helpful too. This conversation isn’t over.”
April-Ben as April, that is-wasn’t there when she got there, and Leslie was missing too, but Ron was in his office, and Donna at her desk, and Tom was wandering, and she signed Jerry’s stupid papers. She only signed one of them as April, which she was sure Jerry would never catch, anyway.
“What’s the deal with your roommate, Wyatt?” Donna said, looking up from her nails. “She knocked over a bunch of things-“ she pointed at the permits desk, which was almost bare- “and she was stuttering and when Andy came in here she refused to kiss him. I offered, but he turned me down. I don’t know what that skinny little child can give him that I can’t, but that’s marriage for you.”
She had to find that idiot before he ruined her forever. April ignored Donna’s discussion with Tom about what April was wearing, and she stomped out of there, and had barely gotten three feet out the door when she saw Ann.
God, Ann was annoying in her stupid cardigans and blouses, with her stupid hair and her ridiculous legs.
She hated Ann.
She should seduce Ann.
The more she considered the idea, the better it sounded. Ann was single, and she’d been dating everyone lately. Clearly her standards were low enough to go for a Ben-looking guy.
Ann was twirling her hair around while she was checking her phone.
April walked over, stood in front of Ann, and waited for Ann to look at her. When she did, April smiled.
“Hi, Ben,” Ann said, going back to her phone.
This had worked on Gloria, so why wasn’t it working on Ann?
“You’re dressing better now that you started working here,” April said, smiling with her teeth.
“Um.”
“And you know, I’m pretty good in bed, despite the weird shape of my-“
“I have to go,” Ann said, putting her phone away. “I’m sure she’s glad for that, though. But let’s not talk about it.”
That hadn’t worked. And who was she?
“There you are!” Someone grabbed her, pulling her into the janitor’s closet. “I barely recognized you in that outfit. I can hardly-“
It was Leslie.
And those were Leslie’s breasts, peeking out from her blazer and weird shirt.
“We only have a few minutes, but I’m ready to go. Why are your pants still on? Can you-“ and she reached for Ben’s pants.
Well, this was a surprise, to say the least. Ben’s body reacted, though. And April’s brain, too. She’d never been with a woman, but she’d been curious, and she’d never had sex as a man, and wasn’t really cheating on Andy because-
And then all thoughts exited her head, since Leslie dropped to her knees.
April had given blowjobs in her life. She even considered herself pretty good-she’d had a gay boyfriend, after all-but she’d never really considered what it felt like to be the guy.
It was different than when she got head. She loved Andy, but in her female body, it wasn’t always easy to come. If she got distracted or something pinched weird or the music was wrong, it was all over for her. Sometimes, she’d play scenarios in her head, the stuff she couldn’t even verbalize to her husband, in order to get over that crest. And maybe she’d faked it a few times.
But in this body, she just felt, and there was no need to do anything else.
She grabbed at the shelf above her, groping for something to hold on to. A cascade of-pens?- showered over them, but Leslie kept going; she even giggled, and that felt amazing. April’s fingers slipped over stray pens before she found a solid empty spot on that shelf to clutch, and she shoved her other hand in her mouth to keep quiet.
April understood Andy so much better now.
April exited the janitor’s closet a few minutes later, with a newfound respect for Leslie, and a fascinating technique to employ on Andy’s balls, and the distinct feeling she should’ve experimented more in before she got married.
She was still not that impressed with Ben’s penis, however.
Leslie was behind her, giggling.
“Leslie,” April said. “Would you say we’ve been doing this… for days? Weeks? Or months? This never happened at my-April and Andy’s house, right?”
“Ha ha, Ben,” Leslie said, eyes darting around the empty hallway. “Like you don’t know.”
“I just haven’t been… myself lately,” April said, rolling her eyes.
Leslie’s face went slack suddenly. “Ben, what’s my middle name?”
“I don’t know.”
“What was my Model UN position paper on when I went to the Georgetown conference in the tenth grade?”
“Who cares?”
“What color are my sheets?”
April took a wild guess. “Blue.”
Leslie’s eyes narrowed. “That’s correct, but… you aren’t yourself…” She looked puzzled, then finally pulled April back in the closet with her.
April immediately went for Leslie’s pants.
Leslie put on her hands to stop April. “You’re not Ben! Who are you?”
April opened her mouth to answer, but the words got caught again in her throat. She shrugged.
Leslie started ticking people off on her fingers. “Tom. Ron. Ugh-Jerry? Ann. Chris. Donna? Joe? Andy? Councilman Howser.”
April rolled her eyes again.
Leslie’s eyes lit up. “APRIL. April, are you in Ben? How? Why?” She snapped her fingers. “This explains-I couldn’t figure out why April-er, Ben-was being so weird in my office today. You two can’t talk about this with anyone, right? Physically can’t discuss it? This is like that movie.”
April nodded.
“I-“ suddenly, Leslie clutched her shirt, hiding her skin. “I did not mean for you to see me like that. I thought you were Ben, Ben and I have been secretly-maybe you could just not tell anyone about this?”
“We should-“ April tried to say find Ben but couldn’t. Luckily, Leslie understood, and pulled April from the closet again, determination in her eyes.
“You know,” Leslie said as they walked down the hallway. “I should’ve guessed. Ben-“ she looked around nervously, then dropped to a lower register. “Ben’s a hair-puller.”
Ugh. “You’re saying you should’ve guessed this?”
Leslie paused. “Well, maybe not.”
They came up to Andy, who was shining that one dude’s shoes, the one who was always over there.
“Beat it, Kyle,” Andy said, whapping the guy’s shoes with his towel. “Ben, Leslie, nice to see the two of you out and about. What can I do you for?”
“Andy I have to tell you-“ and Leslie coughed, unable to squeeze out the words. She flapped her jaw, whacked her chest, but couldn’t do anything. “Rats.”
“Oh Leslie! That reminds me! You’re coming to the dinner party tonight, right?”
“What dinner party?” she asked, looking at April.
Andy answered for her. “A very mature adult dinner party. We split it up, Ben doing the food, decorations, party games, cleaning, and the table cloth, and April and I invited everyone. Except-maybe we forgot. Ben, can you invite everyone?”
April suppressed a groan. Damnit. “Leslie-“
“Absolutely. You know, let me invite everyone, Ben’s got enough on his mind. And I have to get going anyway, and you two-well, you probably can’t talk, but, hmmm. I’ll see you two later. And I’ll keep an eye out for April.” With that, Leslie took off down the hall, heels clacking.
“Ben, you got all the stuff you gotta do for tonight? I dunno if you want to take off work early or what, but the bathroom’s grosser than usual.”
“I’ve got it,” April sighed. “Listen, if you see April, send her to me. Also, she mentioned how much she wants sheets on her bed, and I have extras in my third sock drawer, so grab a set when you get home? I don’t mind. Oh, and you know what I heard? Ladies love surprise neck kissing.”
Andy giggled and gave her a strange look.
She continued. “You should try that with April. Then send her to me, immediately. I don’t know why her phone is off, but if she broke it-and she better not have-then you call me, got it?” She wanted to kiss him goodbye, but that was a little weird, so she jerked her neck back and walked off, contemplating just what she was going to do with her afternoon.
But first things first. She pulled out Ben’s phone… and his wallet.
“Hello? Big Head Joe’s? Do you cater?”
***
April wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She wasn’t going to work, obviously, as she wasn’t even sure what Ben did all day. Probably played Tetris or something.
She’d taken care of everything for the party. Or more specifically, Ben’s credit card took care of everything
Time to do some research, she thought, and went back to her office.
She spent time on Wikipedia, researching all the body-switching movies she could find, but all she learned was that Hollywood thought Asians were magical.
Meanwhile, she’d discovered one of the downsides to the male body. She’d spent most of the morning sexting Gloria, and she learned that arousal affected her male body so differently than her female body.
Whereas she’d been able to concentrate with a low level of arousal while female, she’d discovered that her new penis-and its subsequent hard on-made accomplishing things nearly impossible. She also discovered that touching said hard on through the jeans practically made her eyes roll back in her head.
She grabbed Ben’s padfolio and ran to the bathroom.
***
April was masturbating for the third time that morning when the door to the bathroom swung open dramatically. She got quiet-she wasn’t going to repeat that mistake again, and get another lecture from Chris-when she heard a hiss outside her stall.
“April Ludgate.”
Oh no.
She exited the stall quickly.
“Ron,” she said, staring him down.
He gave her a hard look. “I knew it.”
“How’d you guess?”
“He greeted me.”
She cocked her head at him.
“You have to share a roof. And you weren’t Andrew.” He looked her over and shook his head. “My office.”
Once they settled in over some malted beverages, April asked the obvious question. “How’d you guess bodyswapping?”
“It happens every full moon in Pawnee, plus the day before and after.”
“And you know this because…?”
“The nineteen-eighties were a strange time.”
April nodded. She’d seen Bosom Buddies. She looked at her nails and their ragged cuticles. “Leslie guessed.”
“How?” Ron asked, his eyebrows raised just a hair.
April shrugged. It wasn’t her secret to share.
“Who else knows?”
“No one. How do we cure this?”
“Well, there’s the physical act of lovemaking-“
April dry-heaved.
“Or you can sleep it off. These things cure themselves at the end after the three fullest days of the moon cycle.”
April pulled out her phone to check the moon cycle, and Ron glared. “Two more days.”
“Ron,” She said, pleading look in her eye.
“Or, you can learn to appreciate each other.” Ron took a swig of his drink.
April sighed.
“Or you can have relations with him.”
“I’d rather die.”
“I’m sending you home. Ben should be there. I sent him home after he mucked up Senior Bingo.”
April felt her heart clench. Every Friday for the past year, she’d been in charge of Senior Bingo at the community center. If Ben had upset the seniors-
Ron took a swig from his cup. “They’re fine. Physically.”
She was relieved. “Should I tell Chris I’m leaving?”
“I’ll take care of it. But if I end up conversing on the topic of anything, you’ll both owe me.”
April was halfway out the door when Ron cleared his throat. “April, fix this all before the dinner party. And I’ll need fridge space.”
***
April pulled up to Fat Tony’s Premium Tattoo Emporium. Emporium seemed like a stretch, as it was in a stripmall with a yoga studio and a Chinese restaurant, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he rarely screwed up his tattoos.
“Fat Tony!” she said, greeting him as though he was an old friend. His confused look, though, reminded her that she was in stupid Ben’s stupid body, and he didn’t know he was her old friend.
“I need a tattoo. I’m thinking something big but quick, maybe some words, maybe a mermaid. Maybe a lobster with wings on a motorcycle jumping over a skull surrounded by rats-“
“Wait, I know where I know you from!” Tony snapped his fingers and pulled a photo from behind the desk. “One of my friends stopped by, just a few hours ago, and told me under no circumstances was I to tattoo you. She was acting sort of weird, jittery. I hope she’s not on something, but anything for April. She has an ass like you wouldn’t believe.”
Goddamn it, Ben. And, for that matter, gross, Fat Tony.
She pulled out Ben’s wallet. “I think we can come to some sort of agreement, sir.”
***
April pulled into the driveway an hour later.
She stormed inside. Today was just not as fun as she would’ve hoped, outside of her new penis.
At least jerking off in the car had been fun.
She’d gotten almost used to her new body, not getting visibly startled when she looked in the mirror anymore. Her mother, when April was a little girl, would brush her hair and impart wisdom on her, most of which didn’t even make sense until recently, and she remembered one afternoon, her mother explained to her that people could get used to almost anything. Her sister had screamed a blood-curdling scream, possibly because she’d found out her Barbies had been ransomed, if April remembered correctly, and her mother hadn’t even flinched, smiling serenely as she continued to brush April’s hair. “Anything,” she whispered. “You’ll be shocked how quickly the extraordinary becomes commonplace.”
So on some level, April expected to see Ben’s face in the mirror. What she was not prepared for, however, was opening the door and seeing herself right there.
“April,” Ben said, looking just as shocked. April could only stare at her lips moving at someone else’s accord, hearing her name from her own mouth.
“Ben,” April said, and he furrowed her brows-his brows?-in confusion. She reached out Ben’s hands and touched her face, felt her lips, touched her cheek. She brushed her hair out of Ben’s face. Ben, meanwhile, was gaping, but reached out and touched her watch.
“I wear my watch on my right arm, you know,” he said in her voice.
“That’s the thing you want to discuss?” She said, smacking her hand-her Ben hand-against her thigh.
“I’m just saying. Someone could notice.”
“And I’m just saying get the hell out of my body!”
“I don’t know what to do about this, April! You know, this might surprise you, but this has never happened to me before.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you say that to all the girls. Which, dude-“ she reached over and slugged him in the arm, not even considering if it would be a bruise when she got back in there-“Leslie.”
Ben buried her face in her hand. “How’d you…”
April rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue firmly against the side of his mouth, pushing up and down along the inside of his cheek.
Ben closed her eyes and cringed visibly.
April smirked. Nothing like the universal sign for “Your secret girlfriend who is totally slumming mouth-banged your body in the supply closet” to freak a guy out.
“Babe?” They heard Andy’s voice, and suddenly April was filled with dread. They needed to discuss this, Ben and her, and they needed to discuss it where Andy couldn’t hear, and they needed to get this all sorted out before the dinner party which was soon. Not that people would be on time, except Jerry, probably, but still, this wasn’t good.
Andy banged open the door. “April!” he said, sweeping Ben up in a kiss. Ben went boneless, clearly hoping to slip out of Andy’s grip, but it didn’t work, because Andy just turned Ben around and smushed him up against the wall.
April had the strange experience of getting a little turned on in her penis from watching her husband kiss her body from several feet away.
It might be time for a nap.
“What are you doing here, Andy?” she asked, leaning casually against the wall. “Work doesn’t end for another hour.”
“I could ask you both the same question,” he said, arm around Ben’s shoulders. “How interesting that you both took off on the same day.”
“We were just… having a discussion about… there’s nothing weird… going on. Baseball?” Ben said, her face twisted in confusion.
“April and I were just discussing the party. She’s going to go clean the bathroom because I’m sort of gross, and you and I are going to set up the tables. Food should start arriving here soon. Leslie was taking care of the invitations, so I’m sure everyone’s coming. We need to get Taboo.”
Andy relaxed a little. “What?”
“The game, which we-you two don’t have.”
“Leslie has it,” Ben said. “I don’t know it, but I know she has it.”
April continued. “You know, the game where you can’t say certain things and other people have to figure it out? Ron and Leslie are both really good at it. Ron practically invented it, actually. April, do you know of anyone who’s really good at that game?”
“No. And I’m not great at Bingo,” Ben said. “Or lipstick. And I think I did too much work this morning.”
“Great,” April said. “Let’s move these tables.”
***
“We need to learn to appreciate each other,” April whispered.
Ben nodded, and then looked perplexed. “What?”
“I don’t know. But Ron knows, and he said it.”
Tom, who had just come through the door, thrust a bottle of wine at Ben with a wink and a “for the lady of the house.” Then he turned to April. “What are you two whispering about?” He had a look on his face as he glanced back and forth between them.
“Stop being weirder than usual, Tom,” April said.
“I’ve got my eyes-“ and at this, he took his fingers and pointed from his eyes to both of their eyes-“on you.”
Tom wandered into the kitchen, and April got as far as, “Ron also said-“
The doorbell, and Ann, cut her off. April grabbed the flowers from her hands, and smiled lasciviously at her. Ann frowned at her, but before Ann could open her mouth, Chris came in. He handed April some sort of mud-looking food thing, and gave her a big hug. Normally, April would’ve avoided this kind of physical contact, but today she held the hug so long that Chris pulled away first, and as he walked over to greet Ann, April smacked him on the ass. It was a little thrilling, something she didn’t want to dwell on.
Chris turned, gave her a slightly puzzled look, till something dawned in his eyes. “I sent that email to April, don’t worry.”
It was all April could do not to launch herself at the nearest internet-capable device. She couldn’t do that, though, because Leslie had swooped in and commandeered Ben, dragging him off, and more people were coming in. Normally she liked a steady stream of chocolates and wine thrown at her, but she really needed to talk to Ben so they could figure something out.
She left Orin in charge of the door, and went off to find Ben.
She couldn’t find Ben, or Leslie either, though she did get to check her email. Instead, she found Jean-Ralphio at the door. He managed to get in even after she slammed the door in his face, and he handed her a coupon for 50% off bleaching services and strolled right in.
Ben and Derek showed up next. They were on the outs, lately, even though they were still acting like a couple. But there’d been some sort of argument- Ben was telling Derek to stop the search for his biological father-and they were mad and honestly, the while thing made April’s head hurt. Ever since she’d got married, she’d found them tedious, especially since Andy had asked her not to flirt with them anymore. But that was honestly when she liked them best.
”They’re gay, Andy,” she’d said, rolling her eyes.
“The kind of gay that dates girls, which I don’t get, but whatever,” Andy’d sighed, pulling her into a hug. He’d never drawn the distinction between Derek, who she’d dated, and Ben, who she hated and only dated in the sense that he was also dating Derek. Sure, she’d blown him a few times, but she never dated him. “I like it when you flirt your way into free drinks, or out of a ticket, but not with exes, ok?”
“Fine. If you and Ann stop eye-fucking each other all the time.” It wasn’t true, but it felt good to lash out, so.
“Absolutely. Don’t worry, Babe.”
But now she could flirt and Andy couldn’t say a damn thing.
“Hello, Ben,” she said, ignoring Derek completely. “Have you ever noticed we have the same name?” She held his handshake just a little too long, then turned abruptly, leaving Derek in the doorway alone. She then guided Ben- her hand hovering over his lower back- to the makeshift bar on the kitchen counter, Derek stomping behind them. She left them to their alcohol, and their fight.
Ron came in soon after, handed her a tray and stared into her eyes for a moment. “I see you’ve failed,” he said gruffly. “I need a drink.”
***
“I’d like to dedicate this dinner party for to the honor of Ann, who got a job at City Hall doing nursing, which is awesome because now she has a reason to be there all the time!” Andy said, a grin on his face. Everyone clinked their glasses together. Ben smiled fondly at Ann, and April glared at him. When Ann looked at her, she licked her lips and looked at Ann’s chest, because this was the most fun she’d had with Ann ever.
“Thank you, Andy, and thanks to you and April for throwing this party,” Ann said, smiling.
“And me,” April said.
“And…Ben,” Ann added, looking cross.
“But mostly April and I,” Andy said. “We’re really good at this.”
“They did a great job!” Leslie said, beaming. “I always knew April could move mountains if she wanted to.”
“I bet you’re pleased with April,” Tom said, shooting Ben a look.
Ben’s eyes widened. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course you don’t,” Tom said.
“All I know is that I was promised girl-on-girl action tonight,” Jean-Ralphio said.
“So you and Tom are finally going to make out?” Donna said, cackling.
“Ice Princess, one day you’re going to warm up and you and I are going to make some beautiful heat together. I’m talking full on friction-“
“Good lord, just stop,” Ben said, massaging his temples.
“Nothing wrong with girl-on-girl action, April, and you should know,” Tom said, smirking.
Ben turned red… and so did Leslie.
Gross, April thought, her day of masturbation and blowjobs forgotten.
“You two look ashamed.” Donna said, swinging her fork from Ben to Leslie. “Why?”
“April’s been hiding something,” Andy declared. “And so has Ben.”
“Actually-“ April said, struggling to get out any other words. She gave up. “No.”
“Nothing,” Ben agreed.
“I’m not talking about April and Ben. I’m talking about April and Leslie. Look at their shame faces. I’m great at recognizing shame on other people, probably because it’s such a foreign concept to me,” Donna said.
“Because I saw them kissing!” Tom said. “Don’t try to deny it, I saw everything. It was in Ben’s bedroom before the party.”
“You saw what?,” Andy said, looking stricken.
Ben opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“Nothing happened,” Leslie assured Andy. “You know how Tom is. April would never cheat on you.”
Andy relaxed visibly.
“I know what I saw. They kissed and then Leslie asked her to use her Janet voice and then- ugh ” Tom’s eyes went wide, and he reached down to massage something, apparently having received a kick from someone.
“You are one lucky SOB, Andy,” Tom said. “All of my dreams, and at least 40% of my waking thoughts, revolve around this kind of scenario. And Leslie’s a good kisser.”
“Leslie, I thought you ended things with Tom,” Chris said, looking concerned. “That was not an invitation to start things with April! Or anyone you work with!”
April giggled. She couldn’t help it.
“It’s forbidden, and unethical, and against all the rules,” Chris continued. “Actually, you know, that’d be a great plot for your romance novel, Ben.”
“I disagree. That’s not a good plot for Ben to write, at all,” Ann said, glaring at Chris.
“Romance novel?” Ben said, looking confused.
“The one we’re writing together,” April said.
“I would sure as hell not read that,” Donna said.
“They aren’t writing a novel,” Andy said. “I know what they’re doing.”
“They have to be writing a novel,” Chris said. “That’s why you wanted all that information, right April?”
Ben blanched. “What information?” He coughed, then gritted out, “Ben, what information?”
“Oh, didn’t you check your email?” Chris said. “Let me resend it.”
“You should copy Ben on that email,” Ben said.
“You probably should,” April agreed, “It’s pretty amazing. So hot it’s probably a violation of work rules to send it.”
“I don’t think so,” Chris said, putting down his phone just the same.
“There’s no ‘novel,’” Andy said, airquoting the word. “April and Ben are working on something else.”
“So my man Andy’s getting a threesome?” Jean-Ralphio asked, grinning. “Now, is this with Leslie or with Ben? Because-“
“There’s no threesome!” Ben burst out.
“There’s no threesome in Pawnee” April said, staring at Ben, then tilting her head towards Chris just a hair.
Ben choked on his burrito.
“That’s not true,” Jean-Ralphio said. “Once there was this super-hot chick who was dancing on me and Tom. We’re talking double Ds out to here and an ass that would make a grown man-“
“So not you?” Donna said.
“And she was dancing between us and she was rubbing all up on me, and-“
“The story ends with both of us getting our wallets stolen,” Tom said. “And it was a beautiful wallet too, imported from Milan as part of the 2008-“
“That night def went into my solodex,” Jean-Ralphio said. “I pull that one out when I’m in line at the bank.”
“Oh! You bank at Fourth Second bank on Hamiliton?” Ann asked. “I’ve seen you there. That’s disgusting.”
“Besides, if I was going to have a threesome….” April said, leaning back. She mouthed another at Ben, just to see him blush again. “It would be with-“ and she twirled her finger around, pretending to decide. She pointed to her sort-of ex Ben. “You, and… you.” And she pointed to Jean-Ralphio. “Not you,” she said, looking at Derek.
“Ok, I don’t know what your deal is, buddy, that’s my boyfriend--“
“Actually we’re not together right now,” Other Ben said.
“And I’m going to punch you in the face!” Derek threw his napkin on the table, stood, and turned to April.
April stood up too, because she knew carrying all those records around had given Derek some pretty lean muscles, and escaping this seemed like a good idea.
She threw her wine in his face.
Derek pressed his fingers, trying to wipe the wine away. April tried to pull her chair out, but it got tangled in Tom’s chair, and she saw Derek’s fist coming just a second too late. She closed her eyes and braced herself, when she heard Ben yell Donnnnnnn’t and felt her body-her real body, with Ben inside-land in front of her. It wasn’t fair to let Ben’s body get injured just because she’d been a jerk, she realized, and she gripped Ben and allowed Derek to punch him.
Then there was a burning, sinking sensation, and everything went dark.
***
April realized she was in her own body when she felt the pinch of an incorrectly sized bra on her chest and the feeling of hot sauce and wine on her shirt.
She stuck out her hand, and it was hers, chipped nail polish and all. She moved that hand, and touched her mouth, and they were definitely her lips. Her nose, her hair half-blocking her view of-
Ann was above her, touching her neck-no, checking her pulse. She shook off the intrusion. She hated Ann.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said, pulling herself to a sitting position. It was then that she realized her eye hurt.
Andy was there a moment later, pressing some cold plastic bag against her face. “That was so cool, Babe.”
“You really know how to take a punch,” Ron said, looking her over. “April.”
“What happened?” She asked.
“Derek tried to punch Ben and you yelled and jumped over the table to protect him,” Leslie said from somewhere nearby.
“April, you can always take a punch for me,” Tom said.
“How’s Derek?” she asked, feeling bad she’d goaded him into it.
“He’s icing his hand in the kitchen,” Ron said. “That boy really knows how to throw a punch. We’re going to practice boxing next weekend.”
“And he’s now attached at the lip to his not-boyfriend,” Ann added.
“I’ve always wanted to try boxing,” Leslie said.
“I need a moment alone with April and Ben,” Ron said. “Scram.”
Everyone complied, and April got to her feet, seeing Ben-in Ben’s body-sitting at the table.
“You two are back, right?” Ron said, peering at both of them. They both nodded. Ron continued. “You can’t tell anyone what happened. Physically, you’ll be unable to do so, unless they are experiencing the same thing. The ‘magic’ has the opportunity to do so now that it’s free to find two other idiots to inhabit for one more night.”
“We need to warn everyone,” Ben said, looking concerned.
“Are you deaf, son? You can’t,” Ron said.
“Why do you say one more night?” Ben asked, eyebrows furrowed.
“It’s a moon thing,” April explained. “And a sleeping-under-the-same-roof- recently thing.”
“And why did we switch back?” Ben asked. “Not that I’m not thrilled.”
April knew. She sacrificed her own body to protect Ben’s body. And Ben took a chance, expecting to take a painful blow to his borrowed face to protect her. They’d done exactly what the curse wanted, and sacrificed for each other. She considered telling him the truth.
Instead she said, “Who cares? At least we’re back.”
Tom came over. “Ben, that was amazing. I had no idea you were such a badass. Insulting someone who’s clearly stronger than you by a significant margin, and then using April as a shield. And that tattoo is dope!”
“Tattoo?” Ben said, all the color draining from his face. “But I-“ He glared at April.
She leaned over and pushed up his sleeve, revealing his pasty arm, where a unicorn was now skipping over a rainbow.
He grabbed her arm and dragged her away from Tom.
“You know, I was willing to forgive whatever hell you clearly put-“ Ben looked around, then dropped his voice an octave. “my penis through, don’t you know about lubercation-”
April shrugged. She had no regrets on that front.
“But a tattoo! And Fat Tony promised. I never should’ve trusted him.”
April smirked. People didn’t give Fat Tony enough credit; he was a genius with Sharpies. She put a hand on his chest and wacked him. “And I suppose you didn’t kiss Leslie?”
Ben flinched. “She wanted to see-look it wasn’t a big deal.” He pulled out his phone. “And who is this Gloria and why is she sending me dirty messages?”
“People are weirdly attracted to you even though you’re undernourished and really pale under your clothes,” April said. “I couldn’t believe it. Well, except Ann. No matter how many times I licked my lips at her-”
Ben looked perplexed and then horrified. “I’m going to have to send her some flowers so she doesn’t think-“
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” April said. “Ann already thinks you want in her pants.”
“I’m going to-“ Ben couldn’t finish his threat, because Andy bounded up to them.
“You two. I can’t believe everything you did just to protect your secret,” Andy said, throwing his arms around both of them.
“What secret would that be?” April said carefully.
“Guys, I know,” Andy said, nuzzling her neck, squashing Ben against her side. “I know.”
“About our secret which is…” Ben said, trying to untangle.
“The birthday party! Which you are throwing for me!” Andy said, laughing. “Don’t worry, I’ll still pretend to be surprised.”
“The birthday party!” Ben said, looking relieved. “Yes, that party. Which we are throwing for you. And have been planning for longer than starting right now. Which is a secret.”
April rolled her eyes.
Ann came up to them, and Andy let Ben go.
Ann gave Ben a toothy smile, and grabbed his shoulder. “Ben, April, Andy, this has literally been the most fun party I’ve ever been to.”
April looked around the room for Chris, who was coughing over by Leslie.
Huh, she thought.