Who More Engilds the Night
Title: Who More Engilds the Night
Author: saucydiva
Illustrator: craponaspatula
Word count: 7.5k-ish
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would be riding a mini horse into the sunset
Timeline: between 2x24 and 3x01
Summary: It’s a Go Big or Go Home plot, set during the government shutdown, remixed with Midsummer Night’s Dream, and there is a twist
Author’s Note: A million thanks Rikyl for the beta job-you are a goddess, nymph, divine. Thanks also to cypanache for letting me bounce ideas, stillscape for letting me borrow a bit of headcanon and for solving my panflute problem, and to a bunch of people who helped me through my writer’s block.
And craponaspatula is my lady hero. You got my head into the forest. I am amazed, and know not what to say.
(A saucydiva/craponaspatula Collusion)
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***
“It's not that I'm mad, you know? I told her I didn’t want to date him. And I am not really in a good place to date someone right now. But she wasn’t supposed to date him, you know?” Ann couldn’t figure out why it had seemed like a good idea to sit down with the spiky haired guy Leslie sometimes hated, but she was several drinks into her night and he was the only person at the Snakehole that she recognized.
“I don’t know who either of these people are. And I am not entirely certain who you are,” he said, frowning into his beer.
“I'm Ann Perkins, and you're … well, whoever. You know Leslie.”
“Leslie Knope? As in, Parks Department Leslie Knope?” He suddenly looked alert, darting his eyes around the bar as if Leslie was going to pop out from behind a table.
“And you know him, he’s your other half. Chris… whatever his last name is. You know, he’s tall and good looking and I probably shouldn’t date him.” Ann punctuated this thought by slamming her glass on the table
“Chris Traeger? My work partner? Is dating Leslie Knope from the Parks Department?”
“They aren’t dating, they are going on a date. There’s a difference… you.”
“All right, first of all, Ben Wyatt, my name is Ben. Second, I am ordering you some food, you need to sober up.” He snagged a nearby waitress and ordered wings and fries. Then he turned back to her. “Ann, how do you know Leslie?”
“She's my friend. She filled in all the dirt by my house. And she’s Leslie. You know. Leslie.” She couldn’t be being clearer if she tried.
“This is… let me think. Lot 48?” He looked to her for confirmation, and she nodded. “And Leslie Knope, Parks Department Leslie Knope is dating my work partner Chris Traeger.”
“They aren’t dating.”
“Got it, I got it. But she asked him on a date.” He rubbed his thumb over the side of his beer bottle again and again and he frowned at her like he was mad the bottle wasn’t producing a genie.
“I don’t even think she likes him likes him, she just wants to… the government shut down, you know.”
“I know, I shut it down.”
Ann leaned in conspiratorially. “I think she wants to fix her department and she thinks he’s the way to go. He’s going to get her money.”
“I don’t-no, that’s not… Chris Traeger didn’t tell Leslie that he was going to give her department money for a date.” He leaned back and stared at her. “He is-but he’s not dishonest, and he wouldn’t promise that. He’s a good guy.”
“I don’t think he told her that. She told me that. She has a plan. It was in a binder and everything.” Ann bit into the fries and considered that perhaps she wasn’t supposed to be telling this guy about the binder.
“She never seemed-but then, god knows she was willing to break the rules for that concert.”
“Freddy Spaghetti! You were the one that-”
“Yeah, yeah I did.”
“She liked that. She liked that a lot.” Ann thought she saw the faintest hint of a blush on his face. She considered what that meant, and took a chance. “She said all sorts of nice things about you. She said you two were working together since she’s essential-she is so essential to this town, you don’t even know-and she said you were nice. And cute.” At that his blush deepened. Bingo.
“She said that?” He grinned for the first time since she had sat down at his table. Then his face dropped. “But not as cute as he is, apparently.”
“You aren’t.” He glared at her. “I mean, you’re cute. But we’re talking about who I want. Anyway, I think she likes you better, even though you frown too much. But she did say you frown a lot, and he smiles a lot, and you probably should smile more. And he really likes post-it notes. You should probably use more post-it notes.” Leslie hadn’t said anything about Ben frowning, but Ann thought he needed to buck up, here, and besides, the post-it notes thing was absolutely true.
“So she doesn’t even- ok, we have to shut this down. They can’t go on a date, and we can’t let this happen.”
Ann wiped her mouth, smiling behind the napkin. “Because I think he’s cute and she said you’re cute.”
“Yes! No, I mean, we can’t let this happen because Chris’ll be crushed if he finds out why she asked him out. If he is even aware she thinks they’re on a date.”
“Yes, let’s go rescue him! And her! We’ll be like Spiderman and Robin.”
“Batman and Robin.” He drummed his fingers on the table, and then nodded, pulling out his wallet. “Do you know where they are?”
“In the woods."
“Why would anyone be in the woods at 9 p.m.?”
“Hiking. Don’t you like the outdoors? Well, maybe you’re a little pasty to be an outdoors guy.” She pulled out her phone and showed him her latest text message from Leslie.
The folk music festival was great! The best part was probably the clog dancing. We talked about his experiences in parks, and he CRIED talking about how happy parks make him. We are coming back to Pawnee for a night hike.
“She is in for a surprise if she thinks it's only parks that make him weep,” Ben said, rolling his eyes.
They headed for the door, passing a 20-something fluffy-haired club goer who told an attractive young woman that he would get her honey from a honey bee from on top of a thistle if she wanted it. The woman, eying him wearily, called him an ass.
***
Ben couldn’t say what made him agree to stop Chris’s date. He had certainly never gotten involved in his partner's love life before. Chris couldn’t say the same thing about Ben-not that Ben didn’t like being set up with every tall brunette that Chris met. In fact, he was surprised Chris hadn’t thrown Ann at him; she was just a little shorter than his usual type, pretty, and with that hair.
But something just rubbed him the wrong way about Leslie Knope asking Chris out. What was her deal? What was she hoping to accomplish?
He looked over at a sobering-up Ann whats-her-name. Bringing her along might actually be crazier than trying to stop the date.
Well, maybe.
Stopping the date was pretty crazy, really.
He parked his Saturn down the street from the park, since the park was actually shut down for the foreseeable future. Clearly, Leslie was fine with just disregarding the rules when it suited her. She just didn’t understand the rules were there for a reason, there was a reason her government was shut down, not his fault for crying out loud.
And she was going to hurt him, and its not ok to hurt people, Leslie, what are you thinking?
Hurt Chris, he meant, it's not ok to hurt Chris.
Even though it was twilight, Ann had a heavy maglight in her hands. When he had asked her why she was retrieving the flashlight from her car, she had shrugged and said you never know when you are going to need one.
He didn’t get it. How long could it take to retrieve two hikers?
“So, where do you think they are now?” He said, turning to Ann.
She scrolled through her phone. “Near the giant rock by the Northwest trail.”
“So that’s…”
“This way,” she said, grabbing his arm. “You know, most people don’t wear a tie to hike.”
“Hiking is just walking in the woods. I'll be fine.”
She rolled her eyes at him and took off down a random trail.
***
Ann, I think this is going to work! Chris loves this place.
“So, you were a mayor?” Ann asked him, trying to think of what to say to this stranger. Now that she was sobering up, she realized that this was weird thing she was doing. And she couldn’t just listen to the sounds of the forest.
He stiffened visibly, and his voice sounded harsh when he said, “So she told you? Leslie, I mean.”
“Actually, my phone has the internet, and you were really quiet on the ride over here.”
“Oh. Right. I mean, I ran for mayor of my hometown, and I won, and it was a mistake. Eighteen-year-olds are morons.”
“Absolutely. I thought about getting my boyfriend’s name tattooed on me when I was eighteen. Luckily, I didn't, that would have been terrible.”
“Do you have any idea what he's doing these days?”
“Prison.” Ben raised his eyebrows at her, and she shrugged. “How are the people of Partridge, Minnesota ?”
“I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I avoid that town as best I can. Only my dad still lives there, and we usually only see him at Christmas at my brother’s place.”
“As a nurse, I diagnose that as a sane, healthy response to really embarrassing situations.”
They grinned at each other.
Then they lapsed into silence.
Ben seemed to be uncomfortable with that, and he made a noise in the back of his throat and asked her, “So if you like Chris why didn’t you tell Leslie you didn’t want her to go out with him?”
Then he looked a little shocked, and touched his mouth as if he couldn’t believe he had asked that.
“Are you kidding me? If you like Leslie why didn’t you tell Chris that you didn’t want him to go out with her?”
“Number one, he didn’t mention it, and number two, I never said I liked her. I am rescuing my friend from someone who is using him for his auditing powers.”
“Of course you are, that’s why we're in the woods in the rapidly fading twilight.”
They lapsed back into silence after that.
Chris sure is asking a lot of questions about you, Ann.
“So let’s lay our cards on the table, Ben,” Ann said, moving her flashlight from hand to hand.
“There is no table.” And Ben looked away, studying the moss on the tree next to him.
Ann ignored him. “If we are we're going to go break up their date, we need to be sure we know why we're doing it. I’m doing this because even though I’m not positive I want to date Chris, I know I don’t want Leslie to date him. She is my best friend, and she gave me her guy, and I should be more mature about this, but that’s how I feel, honestly.”
“She gave-? What does that even mean? You can’t give people.”
“Leslie is the best, she really is. She liked this guy forever, and she let me date him, and she was never mean about it. And when she wanted to date my friend, I didn’t want her to.” Ben stuck his hands in his windbreaker and squinted at her. “What, I'm not a saint. I set them up! After my boyfriend called me out on it. Look, that’s not the point. The point is, Leslie’s great and I'm being a jerk here. Maybe we should turn around.”
“We have to break this up, regardless. Chris isn’t going to be happy when he realizes why he’s out here. If there's even a hint of impropriety with the audit, Indianapolis is going to be mad.”
“At Pawnee?”
“At us! Chris and I. We’re going to be in trouble. I don’t want to get fired. And that doesn’t even take into account Chris’s particular feelings about that rule.”
And then Ben disappeared from view.
Ann took another step, and then faltered when she realized he was missing. “Ben?” she yelled.
She could hear him yelling her name, but he sounded weirdly far away. She looked around frantically, and almost fell into a hole with him.
“Holy shit, Ben! They set a trap.”
“What are they trying to catch, a bear? What the hell is wrong with Pawnee? This thing is at least a foot over my head.”
“Don’t let Leslie hear you use that phrase ‘wrong with Pawnee.’ She’ll end you.” Ann bounced from the ball of one foot to the other, trying to decide how to get him out.
“Ann, I really don’t like this. Get me out.”
Ann decided the only thing to do was to throw a bunch of stuff in there until he could stand high enough that she had some leverage to pull him out. It wasn’t the best plan, but it was the only one she could think of.
“Just, calm down, think of harp music. I am going to go get some supplies. Just, wait.”
“You can’t leave me here!”
But she did.
When she returned ten minutes later with an arm full of branches she said, “You know, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think they are doing anything. Leslie has been texting me all afternoon; they churned butter and looked at quilts and watched a traditional Wamapoke dance, but that’s it.”
“That’s great, really great, are you going to get me out of here? Then we can talk about events we didn’t attend all you want.”
***
Ben fell onto Ann. Ann, who had just pulled him out of the giant hole. And for a moment he lingered before he started trying to get untangled. She was lovely, tall and leggy, with nice things to say to him.
“You saved me,” he said, breathing in her shampoo. It smelled fruity, sort of tropical, and he wanted to run his fingers through her brown hair.
“I did,” she said, looking him full in the eyes, and not moving either. “I had to, you… fell into the pit. People sometimes do that around here.”
“Leslie would have left me here I bet.” And almost as though he conjured her through magic, he could hear, far off, the sound of Leslie talking about some camp, and Chris enthusiastically asking questions.
Ann sort of shrugged underneath him, “Leslie would have organized a rescue party and charmed someone into getting her a crane.”
“Ann Perkins! Ben Wyatt! What are you two doing here? On top of each other?” Ben looked up at Chris, who was standing over them, smiling, but his left eyebrow was twitching, the only thing that gave it away when he was annoyed. And he was annoyed. And maybe jealous? Though they had known each other for years, this had never happened before
Ben rolled off and scrambled up, feeling like a kid caught staring at the popular girl. “I fell. In that hole. Ann pulled me out.”
“Great job, Ann!” Chris walked over to her, and started brushing the dank and dirty ground off of her.
Ben walked over to the other side of her, and started doing the same. “Yes, thank you Ann.”
They were both so intent on this that they were both startled when Leslie coughed.
“Anyway, Chris, we don’t want to get in the way of… whatever these two are up to.” When that didn't move him, Leslie walked over to the hole. “What the puck is this? It has Greg Pikipkis’s name all over it.”
Ann walked over, followed by both men. “That teenager you hate?”
“Yeah, look.” And she pointed to a pair of initials carved into the tree next to the hole. “Too bad it’s against the law to torture for confessions.”
“I appreciate the depth to which you want to punish someone, but I'm fine, Leslie, just fine,” Ben said.
“Oh, right, are you ok?”
Ben glared at her. Then he turned back to Ann. “What do you think, Ann?”
“I think we should probably get out of here. It’s getting really dark.”
“Absolutely!” Chris jumped in. “Probably should get going. I have my car, if you want a ride home.”
“So do I,” Ben added.
Leslie jumped in with, “And there are snakes in the woods.” When no one responded, she added, “Hate them. Snakes are awful.”
“Ben, you should take Leslie home. She lives sort of near you, much closer than to me. I can take Ann home.”
“Ann’s car is at-”
The woman in question cut in. “Shouldn’t we find our way out of here before we figure out rides home?”
“I am one hundred percent certain I know how to get out of here. No, make that one hundred and ten percent,” said Chris, pointing.
“Me too,” said Leslie, pointing the opposite direction from him.
“We came from that direction,” he argued, and she shook her head, and while they debated Ben turned to Ann.
“We should probably leave them here.”
“Are you crazy? The whole point was to get them apart, remember the plan?”
“Plans change,” Ben said, pulling a stray twig from her hair, and looked away. “Maybe my first plan was all wrong.”
Her eyes flash. “Oh no. Oh I see where this is going. You need to go to Leslie, that was the point of this whole thing, that you would go with Leslie and I would go with Chris. Stop being stupid.”
It was, he would later realize, that word-stupid- that got him. He snapped, almost felt the air shift. He was not going to-this just couldn’t go on. It wasn’t even about her, really, but it bothered him, really got under his skin that she couldn’t even consider-.
“Does every woman in Pawnee think so little of me?"
Ann rolled her eyes at him.
“You know, its not a stupid idea, Ann. It’s not completely out of nowhere either. Think about it. This makes sense. The two of them-Chris and Leslie-they are alpha dogs. They are the superheroes, the ones who get the attention and the accolades and the smiles.”
He saw Ann cock her head, cross her arms and consider him.
“They are Spiderman and Batman. You and I, we are the Robins of life, the ones that go in and work and never get that praise even though we work just as hard. And I am not-but Leslie, she has this charm about her, this way of getting people to do crazy things for her even though I-we all know better.”
That wasn’t working, Ann looked amused, so he switched back. “I bet you worked just as hard on the Freddy Spaghetti concert as she did. And I never heard anyone thank you for it.”
Ann frowned, crossed her arms and said, “All right, I did, but it was her idea, so it was fine that she got the credit.”
“And if you date Chris I bet he’ll get credit for all the concerts you throw even if they’re in your backyard.”
“No more concerts- Ben, that doesn’t matter, I am not just going to go off with you just because you like the idea on paper. We’re not interchangeable chess pieces or something.”
Ben sighed. It wasn’t worth it to keep going here, and what was he hoping to gain? Ann was going to go for Chris, as all women do, and that was fine. She and Leslie could fight over him for all Ben cared. And that was fine, just fine, Batman and Robin could go fight over Spiderman and throw all the concerts they wanted.
He folded his arms and muttered, “You know, Leslie once told me I was a terrible person for thinking we should probably keep paying the police instead of building a new park.”
“Of course she is going to think that! She’s Leslie. She wouldn’t be if she was suggesting something practical. Remember ten minutes ago when she wanted to torture a child because of a practical joke? You should have seen her on Halloween, this teenager made her crazy. Her boyfriend was pissed.”
“Wait, Leslie has a boyfriend?”
Ann looked pleased again. “I knew it! You wondered because you do still like her.”
“She likes Chris, you like Chris, everyone likes Chris. I am going to get out of here one way or another.”
“Leslie doesn’t-”
“Sure she does, and you do, and that’s great. Have fun! But just so you know, Chris is nuts. Do you know he wants to do an Iron Man triathlon? That’s a triathlon for people who are bored with regular triathlons! Who does that?”
Chris stopped debating directions with Leslie and joined them. “I try to get Ben to run with me but he gets winded at 5K.”
Ben was not going to let this stand. It might be true, and Ben did intend to take up running more regularly, but he was not going to look foolish so soon after putting himself out there. He moved a little closer to Ann, and put his hand on her shoulder. “Chris likes Matchbox 20.” Ben watched to see if Chris would notice.
Chris noticed.
“I do love their first album especially. Remember when we audited Winona Lake ? I think I played that CD six times in a row. Ben’s taste has run more towards hipster bands ever since he started wearing skinny ties.” Ben could hear the stress in Chris’s voice, barely perceptible to anyone who hadn’t logged so many hours on the road with him.
“Hey now, Arcade Fire is going to win the Grammy, you just wait. Ann and I were listening to them in the car on the way here, you know, she liked it.”
“Actually I wasn’t really listening-“
Ben ignored Ann and went back to Chris. “You know, after we left the bar we were at. The Snakehole, remember that place? Oh right, you two met there, didn’t you? Huh. We were there and then we decided to come here.” And he put his other hand on Ann’s arm, and he could feel her stiffen and he knew, suddenly, that she got what he was doing.
She shook his hands off, and glared, but it was dark enough that hopefully only Ben could see the annoyance on her face. He was willing to bet Chris couldn’t tell, since he was starting to look mad, something so rare Ben had only seen it a handful of times.
***
Ann couldn’t believe Ben was trying to pull this. What, did he revert to childhood when he was wounded? What she needed to do was separate these two, send the spare auditor with Leslie. Before she could, they started bickering.
“Yes, Ben, I remember the Snakehole. Were you two dancing? I assume you still don’t dance.”
“I could dance if I wanted-besides, it’s not like you are a great dancer, you just refuse to accept that you aren’t.”
“I have never had any complaints.”
“You probably did and you just didn’t realize it!”
“I know what complaints sound like. They start with ‘Please tell your partner that he needs a better bedside manner with the people he is auditing.’ Occasionally they end with an implied death threat.”
“That’s because you made me be the bad guy!”
“No, you were that guy long before we got paired up. That’s why we got paired up. It’s a yin and yang thing.”
Ben grabbed Ann’s arm again. “Not only is Chris terrible at delivering bad news, not only is he a mediocre dancer, he spent high school being in Shakespeare plays and he quotes them when he does push-ups. Who does that? I don’t have a choice here, Ann, I have to work with him, but you, you still have options here. You could do expense reports in peace. Or- whatever it is you do.”
Ann noticed, briefly, that in the middle of this rant his eyes had drifted over towards Leslie again. Leslie was twisting a crown out of leaves, and if Ann didn’t know better, she’d think Leslie wasn’t paying attention. But she did know better.
“‘Madam, I swear I use no art at all/ That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity,/ And pity 'tis 'tis true-a foolish figure,/ But farewell it, for I will use no art.’ Nothing wrong with the Bard, Benjamin.”
“I was the Nurse from Romeo and Juliet,” said Leslie. “Lindsay said it was just the haircut, but I like to think I had a certain gravitas to my performance.”
Ann shrugged, because really, Ben, look at those shoulders. And actually, she had something in common with him. “I was a spear-carrier in Julius Caesar.”
“And I bet you were an excellent spear-carrier, Ann! I had some spear-carriers when I was Lear. They were all wonderful people.”
“Didn’t anyone else go to a small school? We barely had enough people to do Agnes of God.” Everyone looked at him, and Ben came back with, “What, I still read.”
“Ben reads a lot. Did you know he mostly reads comic books? Ann, when was the last time you read a comic book?”
“There are some great comic books out there,” Leslie muttered.
“Chris once dated his professor in college!”
“The semester was over. Besides, Ben had a gay dream about Joe Biden!”
“Chris had one about Obama!”
“At least Obama knows how to wear a suit! Biden ruins his lines by sticking his hands in his pockets all the time, and why does he do that? And Ben doesn’t even own a suit!”
“I do too!”
“It’s an awful suit, though, just awful. I have told him one thousand and seven times to get a new one.”
“My clothes are fine! Besides, Chris chews on ice cubes!”
“Ben leaves the toilet seat up!”
“Chris has a season pass on his TIVO for House Hunters.”
“At least some of us want to settle down! Do you even own a bed, or do you still just have a futon in your apartment?”
“You know I got rid of that apartment last year. It was a financially responsible choice!”
Ann felt a tug on her arm, and Leslie leaned over to her. “Fascinating though this fight is, we need to move this along so that we can get money for the Parks Department. Let’s divide and conquer. I don’t care which one you take, but you need to take one of them.”
“I told you which one I wanted, Leslie.”
“No, you told me you wanted space after a break-up.”
“I said a lot of things!”
“You said you weren’t ready to date, and that you weren’t going to break that for ‘another one of your schemes Leslie.’”
“That's a terrible reason to ask someone out.”
“But it isn’t when they’re being unfair.”
“What about me, Leslie? I didn’t shut down your government. And let’s just take a moment to discuss how awful it is that you did that, you… shrewd little vixen.”
“What, that I took you are at your word?”
“That you decided to go after someone I clearly was feeling conflicted about and then you went and asked him out anyway just so you could get money for your department.” Ann could feel herself getting louder. “Who does that?”
“Wait a minute. Leslie, you asked me out? To get money? Was this supposed to be a date?” Chris and Ben had stopped arguing with each other. Chris was staring at Leslie, and Ben was rapidly going back and forth between the two of them, a slight smirk on his face. Ann felt herself panicking a little, wondering what else Chris had heard. But he kept his eyes on Leslie, and he was making incredibly precise motions with his hands.
“I… I thought it would be nice to go hang out. And I had fun. You had fun. We got to churn butter.”
“But were you doing it to influence the Pawnee audit?”
Squirming visibly, Leslie chose her words carefully. “Sometimes in the course of a friendship, one friend has the ability to make things easier on another friend who never even asked for it, technically.”
“Leslie Knope. I can’t believe this.” Chris looked heartbroken, and shook his head, then spun around and started speedwalking away. Leslie was cringing, and Ben wasn’t exactly looking pleased.
Ann made a choice, and took off after Chris.
***
“That wasn’t very sneaky of you.”
“Thanks Ben. I needed that, now.” Leslie sat down on a fallen tree, and Ben decided to sit next to her.
Leslie was buried in her hands, quiet for once. Ben almost felt sorry for her, but couldn’t quite bring himself to offer her comfort.
“You know, that was not… I am sure your intentions were good.”
She sniffed.
Ben continued. “They were. But…”
Leslie stayed silent; didn’t move.
“I mean, you know that human beings have feelings. And you were… that was manipulative, and I don’t know you that well but I think you are a better person than that.”
“I just… I just want to save my department.”
Ben contemplated touching her shoulder, and didn’t. “You’ll get another job if you have to, Leslie, I have seen your record and it's impeccable.”
“Oh I know. I could get another job. But this job is my life…”
“That can’t be true. You have friends. Family, I assume. Goals and aspirations.”
“Friends I made at work. Work that I love doing. A mother who will not be pleased if I go into the private sector. Goals that relate to this job. I just… You don’t get it.”
“You aren’t the only person who has spent their life sacrificing for their job. You know how many nights I have spent in strange motels since I started going on the road? But there are all sorts of ethical issues here.”
“I just really love working in my department. Did I ever tell you about my Athena camp?”
Ben shifted. That camp was something they had looked at last week, and it was a struggle not to cut it. It seemed an obvious place to start, but some creative budgeting with the Weights and Measures department had kept the slashing minimal. “I can certainly tell you about the budget.”
Leslie’s eyes flashed. “If you so much as-well, I don’t know what I will do. Camp Athena was my first major governmental project, if you don’t count stumping for Mayor Gunderson, which I certainly do not, or the senior citizens’ Valentine’s Day Ball, which, ok, that might count as my first, but regardless. I worked on that camp for three years, and just barely convinced them to give me the funding.”
Ben bit his tongue to keep from asking who she dated to get that funding.
“And now the camp has been running for four years, and some of the campers have become counselors, and it just warms my heart because I was a camp counselor back in the day and it was such a good experience for me, you know?”
“I was a camp counselor, too, really brought me out of my shell,” he said, slightly surprised he had volunteered that.
“And it really helps these girls. Forty percent of them go on scholarship due to low income, and it is a really life-changing experience-”
“I’m not working on that budget, Leslie, you can calm down.”
She squirmed. “I wasn’t-look, I just feel passionately about this. Camp Athena , modeled after the best of the goddesses-”
“Let me think… she was the goddess of wisdom-”
“Of course.”
“Courage, feminine crafts-”
“Can’t undervalue traditionally feminine pursuits-”
“Justice-”
“So important-”
“And warfare.”
“Every day is a battle when you are fighting an unfair system.”
Ben sighed internally, but held his tongue.
To his surprise, Leslie said in a rush, “you are probably right that I shouldn’t have tried to influence the audit.”
He was pleased to hear her say that-maybe his initial instincts on her were correct-so he ignored what sounded like a low murmured, “I should have tried harder to get Ann to do it.”
“Thank you for understanding, Leslie.”
They sat in companionable silence. And Ben wished there was some sort of way to undo the impressions Leslie had of him, to show her that he wasn’t just some budget guy.
“I haven’t always been so… I had passion for Partridge. I had dreams. I had my Ice Town dream, but more than that, I wanted to change things. You know, Pawnee’s a pretty big town, but my hometown was about 2000 people.”
“I had that many people in my high school.”
“Right, and you know how hard it is to get change in such a small town? Everyone is moribund to tradition. I ran to shake the place up. Of course, it didn’t work, but that was my intention.”
“You dreamed big, Ben,” Leslie said. “That’s wonderful.”
“I wanted to build a sports complex because I thought it would bring revenue in.”
“It might have worked, too.”
“Well, I don’t want to sound like I was some genius kid. I also thought it sounded ‘really cool’. But I wanted to bring some money in; after Ice Town took off I was going to…”
“What?” Leslie prompted.
“I was going to-in retrospect this sounds stupider than ‘winter sports complex’ but I was going to-”
Leslie grabbed his hand with both her hands and gripped him tightly. “You must finish this sentence.”
“My real dream was to get a minor league hockey team started. And that was going to open all kinds of new opportunities. Vendors, coaches, hotels, all that stuff.”
Leslie tightened her grip on his hand. She had the tightest grip he'd ever seen. And yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to pry her hands off of his. “I can’t tell you how much I like that. Those are the kind of dreams an eighteen-year-old mayor should have. Awesome, Ben, that’s awesome.”
Ben couldn’t even being to explain why he had told her that. It was one thing to tell her about his mayorship; people always found out eventually. But the hockey league was not part of the public record. He must be insane to have brought that up.
But Leslie was looking at him like maybe he was one of the good guys too, and it made her glow in the moonlight. And he started remembering why she made him want to buy a children’s concert. There was just something about her that made him want to try, to be more.
Which had to explain his next move, because logic would not have possibly allowed it.
He pulled his hand from hers, and for the briefest moment, he thought she looked disappointed. Then he reached down, and plucked a purple flower from the ground. He toyed with it for a moment, and she watched him. Then he reached over to her and placed it behind her ear. For just a moment, he thought she looked like a goddess herself. She smiled at him and he let out a breath he did not realize he was holding.
His hand was lingering on her blonde hair, and Ben kept trying to convince himself it was time to move it, time to move it, he had to move it, but it had a life of it’s its own, and he touched her jaw instead. And once he was touching her jaw is only seemed natural to lean over and kiss her.
And once he kissed her it occurred to him how many lines he was crossing, and he pulled back.
Leslie looked at him, shocked, and touched her mouth. She looked down for a moment, and then looked him in the eyes.
And then she leaned over and kissed him, half leaning into his lap like she was a little off balance.
And he was feeling a little off balance himself, so he put out his hands to steady them both. But then she leaned into him even more, and soon they were crushed together, and her hands were in his hair and his were on her back and he could no longer hear the babbling brook or the owls or the raccoons, he could only hear his heart beating.
He pulled back slightly, leaned his forehead to hers, and they both grinned at each other.
“So, it's getting late. Do you want to try to get out of this forest tonight, or…I guess we could try sleeping on the floor.”
“Ground? Don’t you ever go outside, Ben?” she said, tilting her head at him, like maybe she couldn’t quite get him after all. She jumped up and grabbed his hand and pulled him along, going in the direction she had indicated she thought they were supposed to go in the first place.
Ben had to admit he was a little disappointed when she dropped his hand. Still, even if she wasn’t holding his hand anymore, it was nice to walk through the dark with her. They had broken that colleague barrier that had existed-stomped it to bits- and whether that would be the case Monday morning it was nice to have friendly, easy conversation now. They talked about everything, from the weird dream Leslie had had recently-that she was queen of the fairies, what was that-to the superiority of Pawnee over Indianapolis-this was mostly Leslie, though Ben had to add that he did enjoy the local snowglobe museum-to the deliciousness of cherries -and when Leslie promised to show him how she could tie the stems into knots with her tongue his thoughts went to a new and dirty place, and he really wished that they could stay in the woods forever together.
He got his wish for the time being when Leslie dropped to the ground mid-step and declared that she was not going to go another step, and that they would have to sleep here.
Ben raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want it to be weird. I’ll go over there, or something, I don’t want you to feel-that is to say-I will--.”
“Nonsense, Ben. You have a coat, and I don’t, and if you had ever been camping you’d know it makes sense to stick together.” Leslie got up and started gathering leaves and fashioning a make-shift ground-covering.
Ben didn’t protest. There was no point in doing so with Leslie anyway, and (if he was really honest with himself) he liked the idea of staying in the woods with her for the night.
***
Ann caught up with Chris pretty quickly after he took off-he might be a runner, and she might hate running but she wasn’t entirely out of shape-and she grabbed hold of his arm. “Wait! Chris!”
He stopped and looked at her. “Ann Perkins.”
“Leslie didn’t mean-well, she probably did. But on her behalf, and on mine too, I am sorry about this. I should have stopped her when she first told me-but I didn’t think.”
Chris bounced from one leg to the other, like he was still ready to take off at any moment. “I am sure Leslie Knope meant no harm, but that is not something you want to hear, that people are only being nice to you because they want something from you.” An owl hooted behind them, gave Ann a moment to think about how to handle this.
“That’s not her only reason, I'm positive. She's just- Pawnee is a special place, have you seen that yet? I think you would understand if you could see that. You’ve been here, what, two months? I have lived here my entire life.”
Chris stopped bouncing and looked her in the eyes, waiting. She continued, “And I am not as crazy about here as she is, but it is a wonderful town. It has that small-town feel everyone in Indianapolis could only dream of. You know, I know the name of my post master, and the guy that manages my grocery store, I went to high school with him.”
She searched his face, and since he was still listening she kept going. “Everyone goes to the Little League games-I don’t have kids, but I still go, I love the Little League games-and we all cheer for these kids, who are so great. And kids play hockey in the street….”
“That sounds lovely, Ann.” Chris looked at her, thoughtfully. “We don’t get that kind of thing in Indianapolis , true.”
“And Leslie, she just is going crazy with this shutdown. Normally she is a lot less so-” Ann crossed her fingers behind her back-“and she really isn’t like that usually.”
“She must be a wonderful person if you are friends with her. And I did enjoy the evening, even if I am not interested in her romantically.”
He gave her a look that Ann found encouraging, so she spoke before she could think it all the way through, “And I should have told her not to go after you because I was thinking I might want to go after you.”
And they smiled at each other, and when Ann broke the look and then glanced back he was still looking at her.
And she smiled again.
***
Ben Wyatt woke up on the ground, arms curled around Leslie Knope, and he wondered briefly if he had dreamed the entire thing.
But then her eyes fluttered awake, and she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and smiled at him, and he knew he couldn’t possibly have made up a night that strange.
Leslie bounded up, apparently well rested, and she pulled Ben up-he was sore, this was not the most comfortable of nights-and she half dragged him along, just sure she knew the way out.
And almost immediately they fell over Chris and Ann, who were curled up together.
Once everyone was untangled and upright, Leslie grabbed Chris’s arm and dragged him away as she said, “Chris, I want you to know, I want to make amends-”
So Ben looked at Ann, and blushed a little. “You should know I never meant to-”
“Oh my god, please stop this and let’s just agree never to bring it up again.”
They looked away from each other. Then Ben studied Chris, and then Ann, and said to her, “So. Chris.”
And Ann shrugged and glanced over her shoulder and then back at Ben. “So. Leslie.”
And then Ben’s eyes narrowed as he looked over her shoulder. “Those two are fist-bumping. That’s not good.”
Rolling her eyes, Ann held up her hand, and Ben obliged her with a high five.
Chris and Leslie returned to them, smiling at each other. “I was just telling Leslie that we should all go out sometime soon,” Chris said. “I saw a flyer for some performer in Eagleton, a jazz man called Duke, or there’s a folk music band playing next weekend, The Rude Mechanicals. We met their piccolo player yesterday, he was fantastic. He’s a tailor or something.”
“Oooh, Chris, we should bring our panflutes!” Leslie looked excited.
“Do I want to know why you two have panflutes?” Ann asked.
“You cannot go to a folk music festival without buying a panflute,” Chris said.
“Don’t worry,” Leslie added. “Ann, I bought a bunch of them since Galentine’s Day is just around the corner and you can have yours early. Ben, you might have to wait till the concert to get yours.”
“Great,” Ann deadpanned. “That leaves me plenty of time to practice.”
Leslie beamed at all of them. “Afterwards, we can teach you both to clog dance.”
“It is literally the most fun I have had in wooden shoes.”
Ben exchanged a look with Ann, who mouthed “I am not clog dancing” at Ben, and grabbed Chris’s arm and started propelling him out of the forest, nuzzling him.
Leslie’s eyes were shining. “That was fun! We should do this again.”
Ben shook his head, laughed, and said, “We should not. But, you know, I am glad this worked out.”
“It did, didn’t it?”
“From confusion can come bright things.”
She smiled warmly. “Who would have guessed that the numbers robot had poetry in his soul?”
It was true, he realized. In the course of a night, he had gone from lunatic, to lover, to poet.
“You know, Leslie, not that I flaunt it, but I have quite the collection of post-it notes.”
Her eyes widened, and he decided he owed Ann a drink.
Ben felt Leslie’s hand brush against his, and he grabbed it. Her hand was warm and she was smiling, and he was happy.
Fin
***
See the full-sized versions of craponaspatula’s amazing artwork here:
title, night, and morning or her masterpost here.
DVD Extras!
What was the author thinking? about high school!
What was the illustrator thinking? about fairies!
Author: saucydiva
Illustrator: craponaspatula
Word count: 7.5k-ish
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would be riding a mini horse into the sunset
Timeline: between 2x24 and 3x01
Summary: It’s a Go Big or Go Home plot, set during the government shutdown, remixed with Midsummer Night’s Dream, and there is a twist
Author’s Note: A million thanks Rikyl for the beta job-you are a goddess, nymph, divine. Thanks also to cypanache for letting me bounce ideas, stillscape for letting me borrow a bit of headcanon and for solving my panflute problem, and to a bunch of people who helped me through my writer’s block.
And craponaspatula is my lady hero. You got my head into the forest. I am amazed, and know not what to say.
(A saucydiva/craponaspatula Collusion)
________________________________________
***
“It's not that I'm mad, you know? I told her I didn’t want to date him. And I am not really in a good place to date someone right now. But she wasn’t supposed to date him, you know?” Ann couldn’t figure out why it had seemed like a good idea to sit down with the spiky haired guy Leslie sometimes hated, but she was several drinks into her night and he was the only person at the Snakehole that she recognized.
“I don’t know who either of these people are. And I am not entirely certain who you are,” he said, frowning into his beer.
“I'm Ann Perkins, and you're … well, whoever. You know Leslie.”
“Leslie Knope? As in, Parks Department Leslie Knope?” He suddenly looked alert, darting his eyes around the bar as if Leslie was going to pop out from behind a table.
“And you know him, he’s your other half. Chris… whatever his last name is. You know, he’s tall and good looking and I probably shouldn’t date him.” Ann punctuated this thought by slamming her glass on the table
“Chris Traeger? My work partner? Is dating Leslie Knope from the Parks Department?”
“They aren’t dating, they are going on a date. There’s a difference… you.”
“All right, first of all, Ben Wyatt, my name is Ben. Second, I am ordering you some food, you need to sober up.” He snagged a nearby waitress and ordered wings and fries. Then he turned back to her. “Ann, how do you know Leslie?”
“She's my friend. She filled in all the dirt by my house. And she’s Leslie. You know. Leslie.” She couldn’t be being clearer if she tried.
“This is… let me think. Lot 48?” He looked to her for confirmation, and she nodded. “And Leslie Knope, Parks Department Leslie Knope is dating my work partner Chris Traeger.”
“They aren’t dating.”
“Got it, I got it. But she asked him on a date.” He rubbed his thumb over the side of his beer bottle again and again and he frowned at her like he was mad the bottle wasn’t producing a genie.
“I don’t even think she likes him likes him, she just wants to… the government shut down, you know.”
“I know, I shut it down.”
Ann leaned in conspiratorially. “I think she wants to fix her department and she thinks he’s the way to go. He’s going to get her money.”
“I don’t-no, that’s not… Chris Traeger didn’t tell Leslie that he was going to give her department money for a date.” He leaned back and stared at her. “He is-but he’s not dishonest, and he wouldn’t promise that. He’s a good guy.”
“I don’t think he told her that. She told me that. She has a plan. It was in a binder and everything.” Ann bit into the fries and considered that perhaps she wasn’t supposed to be telling this guy about the binder.
“She never seemed-but then, god knows she was willing to break the rules for that concert.”
“Freddy Spaghetti! You were the one that-”
“Yeah, yeah I did.”
“She liked that. She liked that a lot.” Ann thought she saw the faintest hint of a blush on his face. She considered what that meant, and took a chance. “She said all sorts of nice things about you. She said you two were working together since she’s essential-she is so essential to this town, you don’t even know-and she said you were nice. And cute.” At that his blush deepened. Bingo.
“She said that?” He grinned for the first time since she had sat down at his table. Then his face dropped. “But not as cute as he is, apparently.”
“You aren’t.” He glared at her. “I mean, you’re cute. But we’re talking about who I want. Anyway, I think she likes you better, even though you frown too much. But she did say you frown a lot, and he smiles a lot, and you probably should smile more. And he really likes post-it notes. You should probably use more post-it notes.” Leslie hadn’t said anything about Ben frowning, but Ann thought he needed to buck up, here, and besides, the post-it notes thing was absolutely true.
“So she doesn’t even- ok, we have to shut this down. They can’t go on a date, and we can’t let this happen.”
Ann wiped her mouth, smiling behind the napkin. “Because I think he’s cute and she said you’re cute.”
“Yes! No, I mean, we can’t let this happen because Chris’ll be crushed if he finds out why she asked him out. If he is even aware she thinks they’re on a date.”
“Yes, let’s go rescue him! And her! We’ll be like Spiderman and Robin.”
“Batman and Robin.” He drummed his fingers on the table, and then nodded, pulling out his wallet. “Do you know where they are?”
“In the woods."
“Why would anyone be in the woods at 9 p.m.?”
“Hiking. Don’t you like the outdoors? Well, maybe you’re a little pasty to be an outdoors guy.” She pulled out her phone and showed him her latest text message from Leslie.
The folk music festival was great! The best part was probably the clog dancing. We talked about his experiences in parks, and he CRIED talking about how happy parks make him. We are coming back to Pawnee for a night hike.
“She is in for a surprise if she thinks it's only parks that make him weep,” Ben said, rolling his eyes.
They headed for the door, passing a 20-something fluffy-haired club goer who told an attractive young woman that he would get her honey from a honey bee from on top of a thistle if she wanted it. The woman, eying him wearily, called him an ass.
***
Ben couldn’t say what made him agree to stop Chris’s date. He had certainly never gotten involved in his partner's love life before. Chris couldn’t say the same thing about Ben-not that Ben didn’t like being set up with every tall brunette that Chris met. In fact, he was surprised Chris hadn’t thrown Ann at him; she was just a little shorter than his usual type, pretty, and with that hair.
But something just rubbed him the wrong way about Leslie Knope asking Chris out. What was her deal? What was she hoping to accomplish?
He looked over at a sobering-up Ann whats-her-name. Bringing her along might actually be crazier than trying to stop the date.
Well, maybe.
Stopping the date was pretty crazy, really.
He parked his Saturn down the street from the park, since the park was actually shut down for the foreseeable future. Clearly, Leslie was fine with just disregarding the rules when it suited her. She just didn’t understand the rules were there for a reason, there was a reason her government was shut down, not his fault for crying out loud.
And she was going to hurt him, and its not ok to hurt people, Leslie, what are you thinking?
Hurt Chris, he meant, it's not ok to hurt Chris.
Even though it was twilight, Ann had a heavy maglight in her hands. When he had asked her why she was retrieving the flashlight from her car, she had shrugged and said you never know when you are going to need one.
He didn’t get it. How long could it take to retrieve two hikers?
“So, where do you think they are now?” He said, turning to Ann.
She scrolled through her phone. “Near the giant rock by the Northwest trail.”
“So that’s…”
“This way,” she said, grabbing his arm. “You know, most people don’t wear a tie to hike.”
“Hiking is just walking in the woods. I'll be fine.”
She rolled her eyes at him and took off down a random trail.
***
Ann, I think this is going to work! Chris loves this place.
“So, you were a mayor?” Ann asked him, trying to think of what to say to this stranger. Now that she was sobering up, she realized that this was weird thing she was doing. And she couldn’t just listen to the sounds of the forest.
He stiffened visibly, and his voice sounded harsh when he said, “So she told you? Leslie, I mean.”
“Actually, my phone has the internet, and you were really quiet on the ride over here.”
“Oh. Right. I mean, I ran for mayor of my hometown, and I won, and it was a mistake. Eighteen-year-olds are morons.”
“Absolutely. I thought about getting my boyfriend’s name tattooed on me when I was eighteen. Luckily, I didn't, that would have been terrible.”
“Do you have any idea what he's doing these days?”
“Prison.” Ben raised his eyebrows at her, and she shrugged. “How are the people of Partridge, Minnesota ?”
“I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I avoid that town as best I can. Only my dad still lives there, and we usually only see him at Christmas at my brother’s place.”
“As a nurse, I diagnose that as a sane, healthy response to really embarrassing situations.”
They grinned at each other.
Then they lapsed into silence.
Ben seemed to be uncomfortable with that, and he made a noise in the back of his throat and asked her, “So if you like Chris why didn’t you tell Leslie you didn’t want her to go out with him?”
Then he looked a little shocked, and touched his mouth as if he couldn’t believe he had asked that.
“Are you kidding me? If you like Leslie why didn’t you tell Chris that you didn’t want him to go out with her?”
“Number one, he didn’t mention it, and number two, I never said I liked her. I am rescuing my friend from someone who is using him for his auditing powers.”
“Of course you are, that’s why we're in the woods in the rapidly fading twilight.”
They lapsed back into silence after that.
Chris sure is asking a lot of questions about you, Ann.
“So let’s lay our cards on the table, Ben,” Ann said, moving her flashlight from hand to hand.
“There is no table.” And Ben looked away, studying the moss on the tree next to him.
Ann ignored him. “If we are we're going to go break up their date, we need to be sure we know why we're doing it. I’m doing this because even though I’m not positive I want to date Chris, I know I don’t want Leslie to date him. She is my best friend, and she gave me her guy, and I should be more mature about this, but that’s how I feel, honestly.”
“She gave-? What does that even mean? You can’t give people.”
“Leslie is the best, she really is. She liked this guy forever, and she let me date him, and she was never mean about it. And when she wanted to date my friend, I didn’t want her to.” Ben stuck his hands in his windbreaker and squinted at her. “What, I'm not a saint. I set them up! After my boyfriend called me out on it. Look, that’s not the point. The point is, Leslie’s great and I'm being a jerk here. Maybe we should turn around.”
“We have to break this up, regardless. Chris isn’t going to be happy when he realizes why he’s out here. If there's even a hint of impropriety with the audit, Indianapolis is going to be mad.”
“At Pawnee?”
“At us! Chris and I. We’re going to be in trouble. I don’t want to get fired. And that doesn’t even take into account Chris’s particular feelings about that rule.”
And then Ben disappeared from view.
Ann took another step, and then faltered when she realized he was missing. “Ben?” she yelled.
She could hear him yelling her name, but he sounded weirdly far away. She looked around frantically, and almost fell into a hole with him.
“Holy shit, Ben! They set a trap.”
“What are they trying to catch, a bear? What the hell is wrong with Pawnee? This thing is at least a foot over my head.”
“Don’t let Leslie hear you use that phrase ‘wrong with Pawnee.’ She’ll end you.” Ann bounced from the ball of one foot to the other, trying to decide how to get him out.
“Ann, I really don’t like this. Get me out.”
Ann decided the only thing to do was to throw a bunch of stuff in there until he could stand high enough that she had some leverage to pull him out. It wasn’t the best plan, but it was the only one she could think of.
“Just, calm down, think of harp music. I am going to go get some supplies. Just, wait.”
“You can’t leave me here!”
But she did.
When she returned ten minutes later with an arm full of branches she said, “You know, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think they are doing anything. Leslie has been texting me all afternoon; they churned butter and looked at quilts and watched a traditional Wamapoke dance, but that’s it.”
“That’s great, really great, are you going to get me out of here? Then we can talk about events we didn’t attend all you want.”
***
Ben fell onto Ann. Ann, who had just pulled him out of the giant hole. And for a moment he lingered before he started trying to get untangled. She was lovely, tall and leggy, with nice things to say to him.
“You saved me,” he said, breathing in her shampoo. It smelled fruity, sort of tropical, and he wanted to run his fingers through her brown hair.
“I did,” she said, looking him full in the eyes, and not moving either. “I had to, you… fell into the pit. People sometimes do that around here.”
“Leslie would have left me here I bet.” And almost as though he conjured her through magic, he could hear, far off, the sound of Leslie talking about some camp, and Chris enthusiastically asking questions.
Ann sort of shrugged underneath him, “Leslie would have organized a rescue party and charmed someone into getting her a crane.”
“Ann Perkins! Ben Wyatt! What are you two doing here? On top of each other?” Ben looked up at Chris, who was standing over them, smiling, but his left eyebrow was twitching, the only thing that gave it away when he was annoyed. And he was annoyed. And maybe jealous? Though they had known each other for years, this had never happened before
Ben rolled off and scrambled up, feeling like a kid caught staring at the popular girl. “I fell. In that hole. Ann pulled me out.”
“Great job, Ann!” Chris walked over to her, and started brushing the dank and dirty ground off of her.
Ben walked over to the other side of her, and started doing the same. “Yes, thank you Ann.”
They were both so intent on this that they were both startled when Leslie coughed.
“Anyway, Chris, we don’t want to get in the way of… whatever these two are up to.” When that didn't move him, Leslie walked over to the hole. “What the puck is this? It has Greg Pikipkis’s name all over it.”
Ann walked over, followed by both men. “That teenager you hate?”
“Yeah, look.” And she pointed to a pair of initials carved into the tree next to the hole. “Too bad it’s against the law to torture for confessions.”
“I appreciate the depth to which you want to punish someone, but I'm fine, Leslie, just fine,” Ben said.
“Oh, right, are you ok?”
Ben glared at her. Then he turned back to Ann. “What do you think, Ann?”
“I think we should probably get out of here. It’s getting really dark.”
“Absolutely!” Chris jumped in. “Probably should get going. I have my car, if you want a ride home.”
“So do I,” Ben added.
Leslie jumped in with, “And there are snakes in the woods.” When no one responded, she added, “Hate them. Snakes are awful.”
“Ben, you should take Leslie home. She lives sort of near you, much closer than to me. I can take Ann home.”
“Ann’s car is at-”
The woman in question cut in. “Shouldn’t we find our way out of here before we figure out rides home?”
“I am one hundred percent certain I know how to get out of here. No, make that one hundred and ten percent,” said Chris, pointing.
“Me too,” said Leslie, pointing the opposite direction from him.
“We came from that direction,” he argued, and she shook her head, and while they debated Ben turned to Ann.
“We should probably leave them here.”
“Are you crazy? The whole point was to get them apart, remember the plan?”
“Plans change,” Ben said, pulling a stray twig from her hair, and looked away. “Maybe my first plan was all wrong.”
Her eyes flash. “Oh no. Oh I see where this is going. You need to go to Leslie, that was the point of this whole thing, that you would go with Leslie and I would go with Chris. Stop being stupid.”
It was, he would later realize, that word-stupid- that got him. He snapped, almost felt the air shift. He was not going to-this just couldn’t go on. It wasn’t even about her, really, but it bothered him, really got under his skin that she couldn’t even consider-.
“Does every woman in Pawnee think so little of me?"
Ann rolled her eyes at him.
“You know, its not a stupid idea, Ann. It’s not completely out of nowhere either. Think about it. This makes sense. The two of them-Chris and Leslie-they are alpha dogs. They are the superheroes, the ones who get the attention and the accolades and the smiles.”
He saw Ann cock her head, cross her arms and consider him.
“They are Spiderman and Batman. You and I, we are the Robins of life, the ones that go in and work and never get that praise even though we work just as hard. And I am not-but Leslie, she has this charm about her, this way of getting people to do crazy things for her even though I-we all know better.”
That wasn’t working, Ann looked amused, so he switched back. “I bet you worked just as hard on the Freddy Spaghetti concert as she did. And I never heard anyone thank you for it.”
Ann frowned, crossed her arms and said, “All right, I did, but it was her idea, so it was fine that she got the credit.”
“And if you date Chris I bet he’ll get credit for all the concerts you throw even if they’re in your backyard.”
“No more concerts- Ben, that doesn’t matter, I am not just going to go off with you just because you like the idea on paper. We’re not interchangeable chess pieces or something.”
Ben sighed. It wasn’t worth it to keep going here, and what was he hoping to gain? Ann was going to go for Chris, as all women do, and that was fine. She and Leslie could fight over him for all Ben cared. And that was fine, just fine, Batman and Robin could go fight over Spiderman and throw all the concerts they wanted.
He folded his arms and muttered, “You know, Leslie once told me I was a terrible person for thinking we should probably keep paying the police instead of building a new park.”
“Of course she is going to think that! She’s Leslie. She wouldn’t be if she was suggesting something practical. Remember ten minutes ago when she wanted to torture a child because of a practical joke? You should have seen her on Halloween, this teenager made her crazy. Her boyfriend was pissed.”
“Wait, Leslie has a boyfriend?”
Ann looked pleased again. “I knew it! You wondered because you do still like her.”
“She likes Chris, you like Chris, everyone likes Chris. I am going to get out of here one way or another.”
“Leslie doesn’t-”
“Sure she does, and you do, and that’s great. Have fun! But just so you know, Chris is nuts. Do you know he wants to do an Iron Man triathlon? That’s a triathlon for people who are bored with regular triathlons! Who does that?”
Chris stopped debating directions with Leslie and joined them. “I try to get Ben to run with me but he gets winded at 5K.”
Ben was not going to let this stand. It might be true, and Ben did intend to take up running more regularly, but he was not going to look foolish so soon after putting himself out there. He moved a little closer to Ann, and put his hand on her shoulder. “Chris likes Matchbox 20.” Ben watched to see if Chris would notice.
Chris noticed.
“I do love their first album especially. Remember when we audited Winona Lake ? I think I played that CD six times in a row. Ben’s taste has run more towards hipster bands ever since he started wearing skinny ties.” Ben could hear the stress in Chris’s voice, barely perceptible to anyone who hadn’t logged so many hours on the road with him.
“Hey now, Arcade Fire is going to win the Grammy, you just wait. Ann and I were listening to them in the car on the way here, you know, she liked it.”
“Actually I wasn’t really listening-“
Ben ignored Ann and went back to Chris. “You know, after we left the bar we were at. The Snakehole, remember that place? Oh right, you two met there, didn’t you? Huh. We were there and then we decided to come here.” And he put his other hand on Ann’s arm, and he could feel her stiffen and he knew, suddenly, that she got what he was doing.
She shook his hands off, and glared, but it was dark enough that hopefully only Ben could see the annoyance on her face. He was willing to bet Chris couldn’t tell, since he was starting to look mad, something so rare Ben had only seen it a handful of times.
***
Ann couldn’t believe Ben was trying to pull this. What, did he revert to childhood when he was wounded? What she needed to do was separate these two, send the spare auditor with Leslie. Before she could, they started bickering.
“Yes, Ben, I remember the Snakehole. Were you two dancing? I assume you still don’t dance.”
“I could dance if I wanted-besides, it’s not like you are a great dancer, you just refuse to accept that you aren’t.”
“I have never had any complaints.”
“You probably did and you just didn’t realize it!”
“I know what complaints sound like. They start with ‘Please tell your partner that he needs a better bedside manner with the people he is auditing.’ Occasionally they end with an implied death threat.”
“That’s because you made me be the bad guy!”
“No, you were that guy long before we got paired up. That’s why we got paired up. It’s a yin and yang thing.”
Ben grabbed Ann’s arm again. “Not only is Chris terrible at delivering bad news, not only is he a mediocre dancer, he spent high school being in Shakespeare plays and he quotes them when he does push-ups. Who does that? I don’t have a choice here, Ann, I have to work with him, but you, you still have options here. You could do expense reports in peace. Or- whatever it is you do.”
Ann noticed, briefly, that in the middle of this rant his eyes had drifted over towards Leslie again. Leslie was twisting a crown out of leaves, and if Ann didn’t know better, she’d think Leslie wasn’t paying attention. But she did know better.
“‘Madam, I swear I use no art at all/ That he's mad, 'tis true, 'tis true 'tis pity,/ And pity 'tis 'tis true-a foolish figure,/ But farewell it, for I will use no art.’ Nothing wrong with the Bard, Benjamin.”
“I was the Nurse from Romeo and Juliet,” said Leslie. “Lindsay said it was just the haircut, but I like to think I had a certain gravitas to my performance.”
Ann shrugged, because really, Ben, look at those shoulders. And actually, she had something in common with him. “I was a spear-carrier in Julius Caesar.”
“And I bet you were an excellent spear-carrier, Ann! I had some spear-carriers when I was Lear. They were all wonderful people.”
“Didn’t anyone else go to a small school? We barely had enough people to do Agnes of God.” Everyone looked at him, and Ben came back with, “What, I still read.”
“Ben reads a lot. Did you know he mostly reads comic books? Ann, when was the last time you read a comic book?”
“There are some great comic books out there,” Leslie muttered.
“Chris once dated his professor in college!”
“The semester was over. Besides, Ben had a gay dream about Joe Biden!”
“Chris had one about Obama!”
“At least Obama knows how to wear a suit! Biden ruins his lines by sticking his hands in his pockets all the time, and why does he do that? And Ben doesn’t even own a suit!”
“I do too!”
“It’s an awful suit, though, just awful. I have told him one thousand and seven times to get a new one.”
“My clothes are fine! Besides, Chris chews on ice cubes!”
“Ben leaves the toilet seat up!”
“Chris has a season pass on his TIVO for House Hunters.”
“At least some of us want to settle down! Do you even own a bed, or do you still just have a futon in your apartment?”
“You know I got rid of that apartment last year. It was a financially responsible choice!”
Ann felt a tug on her arm, and Leslie leaned over to her. “Fascinating though this fight is, we need to move this along so that we can get money for the Parks Department. Let’s divide and conquer. I don’t care which one you take, but you need to take one of them.”
“I told you which one I wanted, Leslie.”
“No, you told me you wanted space after a break-up.”
“I said a lot of things!”
“You said you weren’t ready to date, and that you weren’t going to break that for ‘another one of your schemes Leslie.’”
“That's a terrible reason to ask someone out.”
“But it isn’t when they’re being unfair.”
“What about me, Leslie? I didn’t shut down your government. And let’s just take a moment to discuss how awful it is that you did that, you… shrewd little vixen.”
“What, that I took you are at your word?”
“That you decided to go after someone I clearly was feeling conflicted about and then you went and asked him out anyway just so you could get money for your department.” Ann could feel herself getting louder. “Who does that?”
“Wait a minute. Leslie, you asked me out? To get money? Was this supposed to be a date?” Chris and Ben had stopped arguing with each other. Chris was staring at Leslie, and Ben was rapidly going back and forth between the two of them, a slight smirk on his face. Ann felt herself panicking a little, wondering what else Chris had heard. But he kept his eyes on Leslie, and he was making incredibly precise motions with his hands.
“I… I thought it would be nice to go hang out. And I had fun. You had fun. We got to churn butter.”
“But were you doing it to influence the Pawnee audit?”
Squirming visibly, Leslie chose her words carefully. “Sometimes in the course of a friendship, one friend has the ability to make things easier on another friend who never even asked for it, technically.”
“Leslie Knope. I can’t believe this.” Chris looked heartbroken, and shook his head, then spun around and started speedwalking away. Leslie was cringing, and Ben wasn’t exactly looking pleased.
Ann made a choice, and took off after Chris.
***
“That wasn’t very sneaky of you.”
“Thanks Ben. I needed that, now.” Leslie sat down on a fallen tree, and Ben decided to sit next to her.
Leslie was buried in her hands, quiet for once. Ben almost felt sorry for her, but couldn’t quite bring himself to offer her comfort.
“You know, that was not… I am sure your intentions were good.”
She sniffed.
Ben continued. “They were. But…”
Leslie stayed silent; didn’t move.
“I mean, you know that human beings have feelings. And you were… that was manipulative, and I don’t know you that well but I think you are a better person than that.”
“I just… I just want to save my department.”
Ben contemplated touching her shoulder, and didn’t. “You’ll get another job if you have to, Leslie, I have seen your record and it's impeccable.”
“Oh I know. I could get another job. But this job is my life…”
“That can’t be true. You have friends. Family, I assume. Goals and aspirations.”
“Friends I made at work. Work that I love doing. A mother who will not be pleased if I go into the private sector. Goals that relate to this job. I just… You don’t get it.”
“You aren’t the only person who has spent their life sacrificing for their job. You know how many nights I have spent in strange motels since I started going on the road? But there are all sorts of ethical issues here.”
“I just really love working in my department. Did I ever tell you about my Athena camp?”
Ben shifted. That camp was something they had looked at last week, and it was a struggle not to cut it. It seemed an obvious place to start, but some creative budgeting with the Weights and Measures department had kept the slashing minimal. “I can certainly tell you about the budget.”
Leslie’s eyes flashed. “If you so much as-well, I don’t know what I will do. Camp Athena was my first major governmental project, if you don’t count stumping for Mayor Gunderson, which I certainly do not, or the senior citizens’ Valentine’s Day Ball, which, ok, that might count as my first, but regardless. I worked on that camp for three years, and just barely convinced them to give me the funding.”
Ben bit his tongue to keep from asking who she dated to get that funding.
“And now the camp has been running for four years, and some of the campers have become counselors, and it just warms my heart because I was a camp counselor back in the day and it was such a good experience for me, you know?”
“I was a camp counselor, too, really brought me out of my shell,” he said, slightly surprised he had volunteered that.
“And it really helps these girls. Forty percent of them go on scholarship due to low income, and it is a really life-changing experience-”
“I’m not working on that budget, Leslie, you can calm down.”
She squirmed. “I wasn’t-look, I just feel passionately about this. Camp Athena , modeled after the best of the goddesses-”
“Let me think… she was the goddess of wisdom-”
“Of course.”
“Courage, feminine crafts-”
“Can’t undervalue traditionally feminine pursuits-”
“Justice-”
“So important-”
“And warfare.”
“Every day is a battle when you are fighting an unfair system.”
Ben sighed internally, but held his tongue.
To his surprise, Leslie said in a rush, “you are probably right that I shouldn’t have tried to influence the audit.”
He was pleased to hear her say that-maybe his initial instincts on her were correct-so he ignored what sounded like a low murmured, “I should have tried harder to get Ann to do it.”
“Thank you for understanding, Leslie.”
They sat in companionable silence. And Ben wished there was some sort of way to undo the impressions Leslie had of him, to show her that he wasn’t just some budget guy.
“I haven’t always been so… I had passion for Partridge. I had dreams. I had my Ice Town dream, but more than that, I wanted to change things. You know, Pawnee’s a pretty big town, but my hometown was about 2000 people.”
“I had that many people in my high school.”
“Right, and you know how hard it is to get change in such a small town? Everyone is moribund to tradition. I ran to shake the place up. Of course, it didn’t work, but that was my intention.”
“You dreamed big, Ben,” Leslie said. “That’s wonderful.”
“I wanted to build a sports complex because I thought it would bring revenue in.”
“It might have worked, too.”
“Well, I don’t want to sound like I was some genius kid. I also thought it sounded ‘really cool’. But I wanted to bring some money in; after Ice Town took off I was going to…”
“What?” Leslie prompted.
“I was going to-in retrospect this sounds stupider than ‘winter sports complex’ but I was going to-”
Leslie grabbed his hand with both her hands and gripped him tightly. “You must finish this sentence.”
“My real dream was to get a minor league hockey team started. And that was going to open all kinds of new opportunities. Vendors, coaches, hotels, all that stuff.”
Leslie tightened her grip on his hand. She had the tightest grip he'd ever seen. And yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to pry her hands off of his. “I can’t tell you how much I like that. Those are the kind of dreams an eighteen-year-old mayor should have. Awesome, Ben, that’s awesome.”
Ben couldn’t even being to explain why he had told her that. It was one thing to tell her about his mayorship; people always found out eventually. But the hockey league was not part of the public record. He must be insane to have brought that up.
But Leslie was looking at him like maybe he was one of the good guys too, and it made her glow in the moonlight. And he started remembering why she made him want to buy a children’s concert. There was just something about her that made him want to try, to be more.
Which had to explain his next move, because logic would not have possibly allowed it.
He pulled his hand from hers, and for the briefest moment, he thought she looked disappointed. Then he reached down, and plucked a purple flower from the ground. He toyed with it for a moment, and she watched him. Then he reached over to her and placed it behind her ear. For just a moment, he thought she looked like a goddess herself. She smiled at him and he let out a breath he did not realize he was holding.
His hand was lingering on her blonde hair, and Ben kept trying to convince himself it was time to move it, time to move it, he had to move it, but it had a life of it’s its own, and he touched her jaw instead. And once he was touching her jaw is only seemed natural to lean over and kiss her.
And once he kissed her it occurred to him how many lines he was crossing, and he pulled back.
Leslie looked at him, shocked, and touched her mouth. She looked down for a moment, and then looked him in the eyes.
And then she leaned over and kissed him, half leaning into his lap like she was a little off balance.
And he was feeling a little off balance himself, so he put out his hands to steady them both. But then she leaned into him even more, and soon they were crushed together, and her hands were in his hair and his were on her back and he could no longer hear the babbling brook or the owls or the raccoons, he could only hear his heart beating.
He pulled back slightly, leaned his forehead to hers, and they both grinned at each other.
“So, it's getting late. Do you want to try to get out of this forest tonight, or…I guess we could try sleeping on the floor.”
“Ground? Don’t you ever go outside, Ben?” she said, tilting her head at him, like maybe she couldn’t quite get him after all. She jumped up and grabbed his hand and pulled him along, going in the direction she had indicated she thought they were supposed to go in the first place.
Ben had to admit he was a little disappointed when she dropped his hand. Still, even if she wasn’t holding his hand anymore, it was nice to walk through the dark with her. They had broken that colleague barrier that had existed-stomped it to bits- and whether that would be the case Monday morning it was nice to have friendly, easy conversation now. They talked about everything, from the weird dream Leslie had had recently-that she was queen of the fairies, what was that-to the superiority of Pawnee over Indianapolis-this was mostly Leslie, though Ben had to add that he did enjoy the local snowglobe museum-to the deliciousness of cherries -and when Leslie promised to show him how she could tie the stems into knots with her tongue his thoughts went to a new and dirty place, and he really wished that they could stay in the woods forever together.
He got his wish for the time being when Leslie dropped to the ground mid-step and declared that she was not going to go another step, and that they would have to sleep here.
Ben raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want it to be weird. I’ll go over there, or something, I don’t want you to feel-that is to say-I will--.”
“Nonsense, Ben. You have a coat, and I don’t, and if you had ever been camping you’d know it makes sense to stick together.” Leslie got up and started gathering leaves and fashioning a make-shift ground-covering.
Ben didn’t protest. There was no point in doing so with Leslie anyway, and (if he was really honest with himself) he liked the idea of staying in the woods with her for the night.
***
Ann caught up with Chris pretty quickly after he took off-he might be a runner, and she might hate running but she wasn’t entirely out of shape-and she grabbed hold of his arm. “Wait! Chris!”
He stopped and looked at her. “Ann Perkins.”
“Leslie didn’t mean-well, she probably did. But on her behalf, and on mine too, I am sorry about this. I should have stopped her when she first told me-but I didn’t think.”
Chris bounced from one leg to the other, like he was still ready to take off at any moment. “I am sure Leslie Knope meant no harm, but that is not something you want to hear, that people are only being nice to you because they want something from you.” An owl hooted behind them, gave Ann a moment to think about how to handle this.
“That’s not her only reason, I'm positive. She's just- Pawnee is a special place, have you seen that yet? I think you would understand if you could see that. You’ve been here, what, two months? I have lived here my entire life.”
Chris stopped bouncing and looked her in the eyes, waiting. She continued, “And I am not as crazy about here as she is, but it is a wonderful town. It has that small-town feel everyone in Indianapolis could only dream of. You know, I know the name of my post master, and the guy that manages my grocery store, I went to high school with him.”
She searched his face, and since he was still listening she kept going. “Everyone goes to the Little League games-I don’t have kids, but I still go, I love the Little League games-and we all cheer for these kids, who are so great. And kids play hockey in the street….”
“That sounds lovely, Ann.” Chris looked at her, thoughtfully. “We don’t get that kind of thing in Indianapolis , true.”
“And Leslie, she just is going crazy with this shutdown. Normally she is a lot less so-” Ann crossed her fingers behind her back-“and she really isn’t like that usually.”
“She must be a wonderful person if you are friends with her. And I did enjoy the evening, even if I am not interested in her romantically.”
He gave her a look that Ann found encouraging, so she spoke before she could think it all the way through, “And I should have told her not to go after you because I was thinking I might want to go after you.”
And they smiled at each other, and when Ann broke the look and then glanced back he was still looking at her.
And she smiled again.
***
Ben Wyatt woke up on the ground, arms curled around Leslie Knope, and he wondered briefly if he had dreamed the entire thing.
But then her eyes fluttered awake, and she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and smiled at him, and he knew he couldn’t possibly have made up a night that strange.
Leslie bounded up, apparently well rested, and she pulled Ben up-he was sore, this was not the most comfortable of nights-and she half dragged him along, just sure she knew the way out.
And almost immediately they fell over Chris and Ann, who were curled up together.
Once everyone was untangled and upright, Leslie grabbed Chris’s arm and dragged him away as she said, “Chris, I want you to know, I want to make amends-”
So Ben looked at Ann, and blushed a little. “You should know I never meant to-”
“Oh my god, please stop this and let’s just agree never to bring it up again.”
They looked away from each other. Then Ben studied Chris, and then Ann, and said to her, “So. Chris.”
And Ann shrugged and glanced over her shoulder and then back at Ben. “So. Leslie.”
And then Ben’s eyes narrowed as he looked over her shoulder. “Those two are fist-bumping. That’s not good.”
Rolling her eyes, Ann held up her hand, and Ben obliged her with a high five.
Chris and Leslie returned to them, smiling at each other. “I was just telling Leslie that we should all go out sometime soon,” Chris said. “I saw a flyer for some performer in Eagleton, a jazz man called Duke, or there’s a folk music band playing next weekend, The Rude Mechanicals. We met their piccolo player yesterday, he was fantastic. He’s a tailor or something.”
“Oooh, Chris, we should bring our panflutes!” Leslie looked excited.
“Do I want to know why you two have panflutes?” Ann asked.
“You cannot go to a folk music festival without buying a panflute,” Chris said.
“Don’t worry,” Leslie added. “Ann, I bought a bunch of them since Galentine’s Day is just around the corner and you can have yours early. Ben, you might have to wait till the concert to get yours.”
“Great,” Ann deadpanned. “That leaves me plenty of time to practice.”
Leslie beamed at all of them. “Afterwards, we can teach you both to clog dance.”
“It is literally the most fun I have had in wooden shoes.”
Ben exchanged a look with Ann, who mouthed “I am not clog dancing” at Ben, and grabbed Chris’s arm and started propelling him out of the forest, nuzzling him.
Leslie’s eyes were shining. “That was fun! We should do this again.”
Ben shook his head, laughed, and said, “We should not. But, you know, I am glad this worked out.”
“It did, didn’t it?”
“From confusion can come bright things.”
She smiled warmly. “Who would have guessed that the numbers robot had poetry in his soul?”
It was true, he realized. In the course of a night, he had gone from lunatic, to lover, to poet.
“You know, Leslie, not that I flaunt it, but I have quite the collection of post-it notes.”
Her eyes widened, and he decided he owed Ann a drink.
Ben felt Leslie’s hand brush against his, and he grabbed it. Her hand was warm and she was smiling, and he was happy.
Fin
***
See the full-sized versions of craponaspatula’s amazing artwork here:
title, night, and morning or her masterpost here.
DVD Extras!
What was the author thinking? about high school!
What was the illustrator thinking? about fairies!