The Day the Kinkmeme Came to Pawnee
Title: The Day the Kinkmeme Came to Pawnee
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 8.5k
Rating: R.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you all a crisp $20 bill for Christmas
Timeline: Post 3x13. I am messing with the timeline a little. In canon, Ann interviews with City Hall at the end of 3x13, but doesn’t start until 3x15. I am moving that up so that she starts at City Hall before Leslie and Ben go on their road trip in 3x14.
Summary: As the kinkmeme prompt said:
Ben/Leslie, Anyone/Anyone else in the department. Meta: someone in Pawnee runs an RPF kink meme about the Parks and Rec department.
Author’s Note: Rikyl is the April to my Donna.
Read the dvd commentary to this piece here and here
***
Chris is bringing yet another morning meeting to an end with the usual reminders-clean your leftovers out of the fridge in the cafeteria, but don’t leave them in your car because some raccoons can open doors, and please stop feeding the raccoons, they are learning to open doors- when he turns serious.
“Over the weekend our IT department, Jason, was browsing some sites that I am sure are not what they sound like when he found a site specific to the Pawnee City Hall. Someone has started a ‘kinkmeme’ for City Hall employees. People leave ‘prompts’ with names and sexual acts, and then other people write out fictional stories of these sexual encounters.” He slams his hands on the table for emphasis. Meanwhile, people started murmuring to each other.
“Jason has already determined that he cannot remove this board via any legal means, since it is being hosted overseas. Right now, our lawyers are looking into case law to see if there is anything that can be done to serve the site with a cease-and-desist, but as of right now, our hands are tied. Which, actually, is one of the prompts.”
“We are asking that everyone please not look, no matter how tempting it is. We have blocked the site from all work computers, but we ask that you respect yourselves and your coworkers by not visiting the site from personal computers. Please inform your departments about what is happening, and ask them to refrain visiting as well.”
“We are doing everything we can.”
Leslie finishes writing out her notes from the meeting with a “kinkmeme=gross” and closes her padfolio.
When she gathers her own people and repeats almost verbatim what Chris said, with maybe a few more references to how gross the whole thing is, she is surprised to see Tom whip out his phone.
“Whoa, get a look at this, guys!”
Donna drapes a hand on his shoulder and starts reading out loud. “The library is more than represented on this thing. And it sounds like everyone thinks the librarians are some dirty birds.”
Ron looks up from the pole he is leaning against, and lazily lifts a hand from his crossed arms. “I can confirm that is absolutely true.”
Donna looks over at him with undisguised glee. “And that might be why you are on here with your ex. And with several other librarians. That’s going to enrage Tammy.”
“I am going in my office. No one is to come in there. If my ex-wife shows up, tell her I died and left her nothing.”
“Don’t you mean ex-ex-ex wife?” Tom asks, until a glare from Ron cuts off his laughter.
After the slam of Ron’s door, April, also fiddling with her phone, mutters, “This thing is stupid and also barely anyone even prompted me.”
Andy bangs the door open and roller-skates in. “Hey, Babe, what’s up?” He pulls out his phone. “What’s a kin-kmim?”
April says, “You should know, Andy, everyone wants to see you hook up with everyone. Meanwhile, the only one anyone wants to see me screw is Ben.”
Leslie can feel her chest constrict a little. “April, I am sure no one wants to see you sleep with Ben.”
“Actually, they want everyone to sleep with Ben. Look at this! When you click on his name, people want to see him with… everyone.” Donna starts waving her phone around for emphasis. “You-” She points at April, “And you-” Andy “And both of you together, sometimes to ‘teach a lesson about the proper way to be a roommate/adult-‘”
“We’re awesome roommates,” April says while Andy nods. “Ben is the one that doesn’t understand.”
Donna ignores them, “And they want Tom and Ben to ‘try on suits’ and him and Chris to ‘deal with their issues via some really rough sex, sometimes in Pawnee and sometimes before they got here-”
“Who wants to have sex with Chris? Oh, wait, I do, and Ben at the same time, apparently. Glad I didn’t go to Indianapolis after all,” April says, looking annoyed at the phone. “Just three prompts? What is this? I am way better than anyone else here.”
“I don’t like this, I don’t like this at all” Jerry says, chiming in for the first time since Leslie broke the news.
Donna barely glances at him. “Oh, don’t worry, Jerry, you can tell Gail you aren’t even on here.”
“I am sure I am-“
“Nope,” Tom says, “And it looks liked I just haven’t found the section with all my prompts yet.” He looks confident. “I mean, there are even prompts for Mark Brandanowitz. I barely remember that guy. Does he even still live around here?”
Leslie, meanwhile, keeps pulling out her phone and making herself put her phone back in her pocket. Pulls it out, puts it away. Gets a coffee to distract herself, adds in sugar, and then more sugar, and then abandons the coffee on Jerry’s desk so she can stare at her phone some more.
“So this is a sex thing?” Andy asks, looking around. Then he grins “April, we should read these, you know, in bed, as an aphro…periodic” He looks over April’s shoulder. “Who is Jan Cooper, and why is she hosting an orgy?”
“You know, people really hate the DMV. Have you guys seen the DMV prompts? Because wow,” Donna says.
“I can’t believe I am barely requested on this dumb thing. I am going home, I have to get some stuff,” April says, gathering up stuff. “Andy, you watch my desk, just remember, don’t answer the phone and don’t let anyone at Ron.”
“But you know who is on here with Ben the most?” Donna asks, thoughtfully tapping her phone screen with her pinky.
“Ann,” Leslie says, her voice tight, and everyone whips around to look at her.
Donna smirks. “Not even close, though that’s on there too. Actually, it’s you. In every position, in many scenarios, and doing things I am certain you wouldn’t even know how to pull off.”
Leslie gulps. “That is… all right, I got that, great, just… I am going into my office, now, not to check this board, I have binders- binders that need tending to.” And she bolts for her door.
Once there, she starts texting Ann like crazy, demanding Ann call her now. In between, she reads those boards with a rapt fascination, scrolling past the City Council and the Sewage/intern prompts to see that Donna is correct, and she has been paired up with Ben more times than any other pairing. Who is writing these, and what can they see? Can people just tell she has a thing for Ben?
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t appreciate some of these scenarios, too. There was stuff on here she had to admit had crossed her mind once or twice or every time Ben looked at her in that way he did, like he thought she was Princess Leia or something.
In fact, Ben looking at her has fueled quite a few nights of sexual speculation. She’s not huge into taking care of herself because quite honestly, she is usually so busy she doesn’t have the time to get the candles and the bubble bath and the soft music and all that, but the last time she watched a History Channel documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt she started thinking about powerful women and how they always just take what they want, they don’t wait around for men to do it, they just take control, and she was imagining if Ben was there, she could just tie him to her bedposts with those silly ties-and she isn’t the only one that has thought about that, she notes-but she could just tie him to the bed and explain to him that she’s Leslie Fucking Knope, and he is going to get her off three times, and not get to use his hands either-and before she knew it she was moaning even though there were no candles.
There were always candles.
So she’s in the office, contemplating this, it might be the surge of hormones that explains everything that comes later.
***
“Chris, did you prompt this thing?” He might work out three times a day, but Ann has the element of surprise, so when she pops up and pushes her ex against the hallway wall he slams back with a thud.
He blinks at her, entirely off guard. She continues before he can greet her, “You know perfectly well I was not going to do this so now you prompt it in this thing?” She smacks a print-out. “I made my feelings perfectly clear that this is gross.”
“I asked, you said you wouldn’t, I let the matter drop, and that was last year, way back when we were dating. Why would I bring that up now?”
“To fuel your imagination, I don’t know why people are pervs.” Ann lets go of him and starts smoothing down her clothes. “Why are people writing about these things anyway?”
“I assume they are emotionally invested in seeing people they enjoy enjoy themselves," Chris says.
“Maybe.”
“Plus masturbation is good for the body. Endorphins!”
“That’s probably closer to the truth. But I don’t see why they couldn’t just write their own characters rather than using real people who just want to go about their lives without thinking about strangers… it’s just weird to think about.”
Chris isn’t the type that shrugs, but he looks thoughtful for a moment. “Probably feels more real when it’s someone they feel like they know.”
They pause when April struts by, wearing a tank top/mini skirt that leaves little to imagination. She takes a moment to pose against the wall, looking down at herself and then giving them both full-on body scans, all while biting her pinky. Then she turns, slaps her ass, and walks away.
Chris sighs. “That is… I need April to stop dressing like that here. I am going to get Ben to talk to her. Or maybe I should get a woman to do that; I don’t want to open up the city to a lawsuit. Maybe Leslie Knope could talk to her, she is a model employee who also wears work- appropriate clothing.”
Just then Leslie sprints down the hallway. Leslie’s wearing that purple dress Ann had made her buy for a date- not for work. She’s all cleavage in that dress, and even Councilman Houser’s eyes are glued to her.
“Don’t we have an HR department to handle these things? That’s how it works at the hospital.”
“You know, I should look into that. Great idea, Ann Perkins.” He flashes her a smile, and Ann shuts him down.
“Don’t think I don’t have my eye on you, and all the men in this building.”
“Not that I don’t appreciate your eyes on me,” says Chris, putting up his hands. “But I am not the only person you were linked with on board. In fact, you were linked with many other people.”
“I know. I already pinned Tom to a desk and I smacked Jerry on the back of the head,” Ann says, cracking her knuckles.
“I don’t think you were linked with Jerry.”
“He just bugs me. Besides, didn’t you tell us not to read the boards?”
“I am a human being, I am curious just like everyone else.”
“Of course you are. Well, as soon as I find out who is up to this, I am going to make them regret it. I’m a nurse, I know how to do all sorts of things laypeople do not.” His eyes linger on her, giving her a warm look she remembers from back when he would- and she realizes that perhaps she should not be using lines to threaten her exes that she used to use in the bedroom. And not that she wouldn’t go for that again-but no, that’s a terrible idea, no matter how many prompts she’s spent the morning analyzing. She finishes up with as much annoyance as she can muster. “You remember that, Chris.”
“Noted, Ann Perkins.”
***
“Tom, stop prompting yourself on these boards.”
“What are you talking about, Donna-on-me? I am not prompting anything, those must be my fans.”
Donna stirs her coffee and rolls her eyes. “Let’s see. Tom Haverford/the ladies of Pawnee. Tom shows the women his hot collection of hats, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
“Lots of women like hats. And lots of women like Tom Haverford, dope club owner,” says Tom, rubbing his fingers over his suit lapel.
“Right, that must be why they prompted Tom Haverford/bachelorette party. Tom buys women pomegranate drinks in his club, which has half-price drink specials on Wednesdays, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
“Lots of people go to the Snakehole.”
“Or this one. Tom Haverford/Ann Perkins. Tom shows Ann his collection of scarves. She likes them. A lot.”
“That could have been Ann.” But Tom is starting to look a little depressed, so she knows he knows she knows.
“Is that why you have been rubbing your arm and wincing whenever you think I am not looking? Don’t you know that woman is stronger than she looks?” Donna smirks to herself. Tom is cute, but kind of an idiot.
“All women fall for the Haverford charm eventually. You will too, just give it time.”
“I will keep that in mind.” And she might. She’s been reading a lot of prompts, and since most of them focus on her and her Benz…. A woman can only take so much. “You just wish you had half the prompts I do. And stories! At least two stories, which are both great. Unfortunately, they are both with that little idiot you hang out with, who doesn’t even work here.”
“Jean-Ralphio has more prompts than me? This is just ridiculous.”
***
Leslie sees Ben from across the hallway and throws off her blazer. She has switched outfits-large car trunks are so necessary-and her new one is a little cleavage-y. Yeah, Ann told her this was a date outfit, not a work outfit, but whatever-the rules went out the window today.
She doesn’t even pause over the blazer. It’ll find its way back to her. Blazers are kinda her thing, everyone knows that.
Ben gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and starts with, “I just want you to know I had nothing to do with-that site has nothing to do with-“
She ignores that. “Ben, I had some suggestions about fundraising for Lot 48. I know you and Chris put that on the backburner for now, but there is no reason we can’t be brainstorming, right?” She bounces slightly, and Ben’s eyes drift down to the dress. “And I know what you are thinking: bake sale. But I was hoping-“
Ben looks her in the eyes, and interrupts. “Leslie, I think we should go to my office-“
He’s already on the same page!
“And discuss this website.”
“Yes! And bake sales.”
Ben is agonizingly slow at opening the door. Leslie wants to just shove him out the way and open the door herself, but she holds back, forces herself to breathe deeply.
She bounds into his office and pushes past him, perching on the edge of his desk, forcing him to stand in front of her and look down. She waits, digging her fingernails into her palm, because she is going to wait to see what he is going to say.
“Leslie.” He pauses, apparently trying to kill her, that jerk. “Leslie, I know everyone is talking about this message board, and-as you might be aware-even though I know you didn’t read the board, no one’s reading them I am sure-but you are probably aware, we are on there. We, as in you and I. Together.”
Leslie is almost drawing blood, but she is not going to say anything.
“And I just want you know I had nothing to do with this, absolutely nothing. I respect you-“
She notices his eyes snap back to her eyes.
“Not that I don’t-but I didn’t put it on the internet. I would never-I would just ask you to prom-or, since we aren’t in high school, to dinner. Which-”
“I know, Ben. Of course you didn’t put up the board. You so rarely do anything bad, I bet you never let your parking meter expire or are late returning your- ugh- library books. You are so good.”
She pushes her arms together. It’s a trick Lindsay taught her back in junior high when they used to talk about boys and practice kissing. Ben is going love this cleavage.
“I mean, I bet you would never do half the stuff we are doing in someone’s imagination apparently.” She pulls her phone out of her bra-there are no pockets on this dress. “I mean, look at these-“ she scrolls- “I bet you never would let me give you a blow job under your desk, much less-this one gets much more specific-much less while Chris was in the room.”
Ben looks down, and Leslie falters for a moment, because his hair is so distracting. She continues.
“And I don’t forsee you being into spanking-giving or receiving-“ Leslie pauses a moment, lets the idea wash over her, “and I bet you would never want to do this-look at this insane one-thing where I reward you or punish you based on-oooh- if you can name the presidents in the correct order.”
Ben makes a noise in the back on his throat, and Leslie looks up. His jaw is tense, and she can see the veins in his neck working overtime.
“I know, right? Obviously, I would have to go with something much harder. Maybe recite the Declaration of Independence. I do love the Declaration of Independence. I had it memorized before I graduated high school, but I was an overachiever. Let’s see, how does it go? ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind-‘”
“Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…” Ben interrupts her, continues on.
He is standing stock still, reciting, and Leslie’s stomach is all butterflies. She was not even aware this was a thing she wanted, that she wanted nothing more than to hear Ben saying those words.
Considering how terrible he is at speaking on television, he is excellent at giving his speech. His voice is warm and deep, and listening to him talk about overcoming tyranny is almost the dirtiest thing she’s ever heard.
By the time he get to the part about absolving allegiances, he is smirking, finishing up with “’And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.’”
He walks over to her, stands toe-to-toe, and waits. Just waits. Looks fine while he does it, apparently he is much better at handling anticipation than she is. She looks right back, she is not going to break, she is not going to be the one who breaks…
“Well, Leslie?” he says, folding his arms, cocking his head at her, eyes never leaving hers.
Leslie can feel herself start to perspire, wants to fan her neck, but she stares right back. “In. It’s inalienable. Not unalienable.”
“Wrong,” Ben says, much more at ease than he was when they first entered the office. “Just plain wrong.”
“I memorized this, I know this.”
“You might know this, but you are still mistaken. Just incorrect.”
“I know everything worth knowing about the founding documents.”
“How many signers?”
“Please. Fixty-six. Franklin was the oldest. Rutledge was the youngest. McKean, that tease, kept everyone waiting for five years.”
“How big is it?” Ben asks, his eyebrow quirking up. Leslie’s throat dries up, and Ben smirks at her. The silence seems to stretch, for a moment, and then he continues. “The Declaration…?”
“Twenty nine and three-quarters inches by twenty four and a half inches.”
He blinks at her.
“I am excellent at knowing precisely how long something is,” she says, rebounding quickly once she’s back in her element.
“You’re still wrong on un verses in.”
“You wanna bet?” The words are out before she can think them through, but-right or wrong, this could be interesting.
“What are the terms?”
“We look this up. If I am right, and I am, you do something for me from these prompts. If you are right, you get to pick.”
“Leslie, you realize what you’re saying, here, right?”
She looks him dead in the eye, resists the urge to grab him right there. It was is like there’s a fragile soap bubble between them, a giant bubble made with one of those huge wands, and the bubble was shimmering in the summer sun, and Leslie, just as she had felt when she was a young, wanted nothing more than to plunge her hands into that bubble and feel it splatter. She could feel herself tight with anticipation, like she was that preteen again who barely understood herself sexually but knew she wanted nothing more than to pop that bubble, and knew that when she did her body would react with an excitement she wasn’t able to put a name to until her Psychology of Sexuality class in college.
“Absolutely. And I will meet you at five o’clock, here, and we’re going to go over this question, in detail.”
Ben doesn’t falter. “See you then, Leslie.”
***
“You should just go for it, Leslie.”
“Ann, are you sure? I mean, what am I doing here? This is crazy. Isn’t it? Ann, it’s crazy. You’d tell me if it was crazy, right? I mean, Ann, it’s crazy.”
Ann pulls two salads out of her lunchbag and gives one to Leslie. Leslie is panicking about this Ben business, but all Ann really wants to do is eat her salad and get back to reading this one kink fic about Dexhart and the mayor and three gallons of pickle relish. These stories are addictive.
Leslie, meanwhile, doesn’t even notice that Ann’s not paying attention, and keeps going. Ann tries to tune in every so often, but Gunderson is pulling out a spatula, and that requires most of her brain. “Ann-he’s just-I don’t-Jefferson himself-can’t play the violin-all winter-marshmallows-”
Once she finished reading her dirty story, Ann pledges to remain focused on Leslie.
“Of course you should go for it. You send him so many smolder-y looks that the rest of us are brushing excess sparks off of us constantly.”
“What’s going on?” Donna asks, grabbing a seat. “Come on, there are no secrets in the courtyard.”
“Just talking about these dirty stories,” Ann says, sending Donna a look she hopes radiates sincerity.
Donna looks slightly dubious but takes the bait. “Ann, you’re a doctor-“
“No I am not.”
“I think you need to hold a meeting with the people in this building, because apparently some of them have only a tenuous grasp on how sex works. Look at this-“
“You have to actually show me-“
“Trust me, if that was possible, I would have done it. And I have tried!”
“I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable than holding a meeting here to talk about sex with my coworkers. Stuart would-“
“I have been trying to review each of these stories, but it’s really cutting into my writing time,” Donna says.
Leslie looks scandalized. “You can’t do that!”
Ann gives a sidelong glance, raises an eyebrow. Leslie at least has the self-awareness to look chagrined.
“I need your help, Ann. There’s one prompt I want to do, ‘Chris Traeger/Andy Dwyer: the most enthusiastic sex ever! and I feel you are in a unique position.”
Ann sighs, “Great.”
Donna grins. “Or rather, you used to be in a unique position. Or two unique positions.”
Leslie breaks in to the conversation, though she seems more focused on herself than helping Ann out. She’ll take it, though.
“Donna, you have a satisfying sex life-“
Donna takes a bite of her pizza. “Leslie, I realize you are wound up tight, but I don’t play that way.” She pulls out her phone again, “Despite that fic about you and me and the ball gag you so desperately need.”
“I was just wondering if you have condoms. On you- I mean, in you- your purse.”
“Always. You should too, you know. You never know when something is going to happen.” Donna raises an eyebrow at Leslie, who looks embarrassed.
“I know, I should-“
“After all, according to this right here, Ben is going to take you from behind while you are at a podium. Gotta be ready.”
Leslie chokes on her Vitners. Donna, meanwhile, pulls out some condoms slips them into Leslie’s purse. Then she looks across the courtyard at Chris, who is pausing from his post-run stretching to refuel.
“Hey, Traeger, nice carrot!” Chris smiles at that and jogs over to the table while the church bells across the street chime noon. Ann smiles at him self-consciously, but if he’s nervous she’s going to slam him against a wall again, he isn’t showing it. He points at each of them, saying their names, and doesn’t notice when Leslie blushes and looks away.
“Thank you, Donna, carrots are great for the immune system. They just did a study that showed that they might offer protection against lung disease.”
“That’s great, because you are smokin’ today.”
Chris smiles. “Donna, you are hilarious. And that shade of blue is extra becoming on you.”
“’Be-coming’ is goal, daily.” She winked at Leslie, who suddenly moved her purse under the table.
“Dressing well is always important, and you always do,” says Chris.
“That’s what I am talking about, right.” Donna shakes her head and mutters, “It’s a good thing you are good looking.”
Ann nods.
Tom joins them while Leslie is telling everyone about the mysterious package that arrived via carrier service today, and how this may mean that Ron is never going to leave his office again. She tells them she is going to go try to talk Ron out of his office, and she jumps up, purse held tightly to her body, and out of the courtyard.
“Chris, nice run, am I right?” Tom says, fist bumping him. Ann refuses, because no, and he doesn’t fistbump Donna but gives her a genuine smile. “How’s it hanging at the hottest table in the courtyard?”
“Things literally could not be better. Carrot?”
Tom shakes his head. “I was just coming over here to talk to Donna. Can I join you?”
Ann says, “No,” and he sits down across the table from Ann, and naturally that means Chris sits down next to her in Leslie’s vacated seat, and of course. If it’s not one ex sitting next to her at lunch, its it's another doing… whatever is going on across the courtyard with Andy, April… and Ben? Seriously, what is going on over there?
“Ann, how’s City Hall treating you? You’ve been here, what, a week?” Tom says.
Ann starts, “A week and a half. And I like it. I am staying out of trouble-“
Chris unconsciously touches his arm, while Tom rubs his chest.
“Mostly staying out of trouble. It’s… strange starting a new job, after working at just one place for about a decade. It’s fun, it’s new, but I feel like the weird new girl, not sure who to sit next to at lunch.”
Chris immediately launches into his sympathy face. “I have been the new guy consistently for fifteen years, and I can honestly say that I have always had someone to sit next to at lunch. Wait, there was one time… no. Always.”
“Wouldn’t the answer be Leslie? Isn’t the answer always Leslie?” Donna asks, rolling her eyes.
“I refuse to believe a fine drink of water like yourself has ever sat alone at lunch,” Tom says, slipping into his smooth operator routine.
“Thank you all for your help,” Ann says, burying her face in her hands.
Waving her hands, Donna says, “This topic is boring. Let’s talk about the kinkmeme some more.”
“Actually we really shouldn’t-“ But Chris is cut off mid-sentence by Tom.
“Ann, you have already had two stories written about you. How do you feel about that?”
Ann hasn’t seen those, as she has been too busy reading stories about the mayor. “No there aren’t!” and she hopes she’s correct.
Donna laughs. “You’re in for a surprise.”
With some trepidation, Ann pulls out her phone. There’s one that’s… oh wow, her and Leslie, because Ann is always sacrificing for Leslie. Now that Leslie’s chasing Ben, Ann’s a little lonely. So when Leslie comes over for girl talk, Ann needs some comfort. Things get a little sticky after that… She scrolls through the fic, which is very, very detailed, and she feels a little fluttery. She has missed Leslie, but that doesn’t mean she’s lonely. Just, alone. But not lonely. And even if she was, that doesn’t mean she’d just roll around with the nearest warm body. Probably. Especially since the nearest warm body was her ex. Or Donna.
She looks up to three curious faces, and answers the unasked question. “This is… fine. Leslie and I never-but I guess it isn’t that embarrassing. Let me find the other one.” She keeps going and when she finds it she can feel her whole body blush. “Tom, are you kidding? What is this?”
Tom answers, “I didn’t-“
But Ann’s starting to get annoyed. “You wrote this damn scarf thing! What is this? I would never-this is-when I get my hands on you I am going to snap you in half.“
Chris cuts in. “You are not. You can’t-“
She narrows her eyes at him instead. “I don’t care-“
“Well, you have to care, this is absolutely work-inappropriate. I can’t stop you guys from looking at your phones, and fine, I am too, but you are not going to threaten other employees, Ann.” Chris says, his face almost looking angry.
Ann sighs and says, “Fine. Tom, I’m sorry.”
Donna is eating M&Ms with rapt fascination. “Now, that was kinkmeme worthy.”
Chris looks like he’s about to say something, then thinks better of it, shakes his head.
Ann, meanwhile, mouths to Tom, after work, we’re gonna talk. She shuts her mouth when another shadow crosses the table.
Donna smacks the table. “And here’s the man of the hour. Ben, how are you feeling to be the star of the kink meme? The only person even approaching you is Ethel Beavers.”
Tom whips around to Donna, “Beavers? Hot. She sounds fly.”
“Is there no other topic this entire building can discuss? Just when I think Pawnee is special, this stupid- I am going to my office, and I am not coming out, this whole thing is just too much” Ben says, his ranting growing fainter as he stomps away.
“That boy needs to get laid,” Donna says, and no one disagrees.
***
April struts over to Andy, heels clacking, cafeteria lunch in hand. She stumbles-stupid moron shoes- but saves it by looking extra-bored by the whole walking thing. She can hear those stupid noon church bells since she’s outside, and they’re annoying, just shut up, bells.
Andy’s eyes go big and dark, and she can read his mind. Granted, he’s also shifting around in his chair, which makes things a little obvious to her, but there’s that.
“April, Ben and I were just talking about the porn thing. And Chris was too, but he’s over there now.”
“Actually, you’re talking about it. I’m trying to read this budget report. Not that that ever stops you.”
“We’re talking about how weird it is that so many people are invested in City Hall having sex.”
“Except me I am still barely on those boards. You have more prompts than I do. Ben has the most. Why do you have so many, Ben?” asks April.
“I’m not talking about this, April.”
She slides into the seat on the other side of him.
“I bet you’re the one writing them. You just want an excuse to bang everyone.”
There’s a note of warning in his tone, but who cares? “April, we’re at work-“
“I know. But you apparently don’t care. That’s why you want everyone to write about you. You and Chris. You and Tom. You and Leslie, even though you are both boring. You and I.” She looks him in the eye, challenging him, and he looks away first. “There’s even one on here for you and me and Andy.”
“Good lord.”
“It’ll be like that time you walked in on us having sex-“
“You were in my room!”
Andy breaks in from his imaginary guitar-strumming to add in, “I remember that!” And then he goes back to his music
“You definitely lingered in the doorway.”
“April-“
April continues. “And we all know-and when I say ‘all’ I mean the entirety of Pawnee-that you’ve had gay thoughts.”
“Sexuality does not fit into boxes-look, stop it.”
“And you definitely were checking me out today.”
“You’re half-stop it, April-naked, that’s why,” Ben says, removing her hand from his thigh.
April was mostly just bringing this up to screw with him, the same reason she always moved his stuff around just so in the fridge and dumped out his Tide and replaced it with bubble bath. But she had never touched Ben before, and between the sarcastic groping and his hand on hers, she might just be willing to make her offer legit. Andy would go along with it, he would. And he isn’t protesting, not that he’s paying attention, but he isn’t protesting.
Ben’s going on about the dress code, like some City Hall employee handbook come to boring life, and she’s considering exactly how a threesome would go. She wonders if he’s ever done anything like that. Probably not, he’s probably missionary position on Tuesdays with the lights off.
So in the middle of the lecture she leans across Ben, hand on his shoulder, and pulls Andy in for a kiss. Ben actually stops talking and leans backwards, so April rights herself again.
“Don’t do that, you two, it’s-just don’t.”
“Why, does it make you… uncomfortable?”
“Yes!”
She leans in, reaches for Ben’s far shoulder, and flips herself half in his lap, facing up, and Andy leans in to kiss her again, and Ben is trying to push away from the table but he’s having difficulty escaping. It’s kind of exciting, really, and if not for the laws she might just rip off her tank top right there. But then Andy pulls away and asks her if she wants to go make out at his shoestand, and she can see through the window that Kyle’s waiting there, but that’s never stopped them before, so she agrees. She doesn’t get out of Ben’s lap right away, though, even when she notices Leslie making a beeline for their table.
She tells Andy to wait a minute, climbs out of Ben’s lap but puts a hand on his shoulder, casually, possessively. If Leslie notices, she doesn’t say anything, but Ben shakes her off with a real sense of force and purpose.
It’s kind of hot, for Ben.
Leslie starts in, “April, after lunch I need you to help me get Ron out of his office.”
April has no intention of doing that. “I bet he left.”
“Ben, I have those grant proposals for the observatory and they are almost done. Do you want me to bring them by, say, at the end of the day?”
Ben looks at her, and then looks at his hand, and then back at her. “You probably should. No rush. How much are you shooting for with the Gurke grant?”
“Twenty grand. But you know what they say. Go hard or go home.”
Ben blinks at her.
“Go big or go home. Or rather. Wait, that works.”
“Whatever you need, Leslie, I am going to help you get.”
April notes that they’re both leaning just a little too close to each other, and Leslie’s-consciously or not-sticking her chest out way more than she usually does.
Interesting.
Ben’s making eyes at her too. April coughs, and Ben blinks, and he’s his usual self again.
“Leslie, I-I am going to go normal sized, and I am going to go over there. Bring me those grant papers later. At the end of the day. And-see you.” He hightails it over to the other table, where Donna and Tom and Ann and Chris are.
Leslie plops down in Ben’s seat.
“April, what are you wearing?”
***
Leslie knocks on Ben’s door, then decides that’s silly, and bursts in before she loses her nerve.
Ben looks up slowly and deliberately from the legal pad he is writing on and says, “You’re wrong.”
She crosses to him, trembling with anticipation. “I know. Which prompt do I have to do?” She hopes he doesn’t pick anything too weird.
“This one.” Ben pulls out his phone, and shows her a prompt- Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, first kiss.
“That’s not kinky. That’s not even-“
But she can’t continue, because Ben stands up, rounds the desk, and reaches for her, and his fingers are on her jaw, and he is looking at her with such intensity and longing that those butterflies return, and suddenly his mouth is on hers, and his lips tickle hers. She wants to giggle, that such an intense look is being followed with such a feather-light kiss, but then he growls somewhere deep in his throat and he deepens the kiss. He grips the back of her head, threading her hair around his fingers, and Leslie grabs the back of his head with one hand and uses her other hand to pull him closer.
They stumble, and he presses her against the back of his door. He’s pressing against her, hip to hip, and she can feel how much she wants him, how much he wants her. She’s ready-it seems so quick, but then she’s had months of foreplay-but he seems determined to stay there on her mouth.
And then he pulls away, and she feels cold. He looks her in the eyes, and she gasps, because he is looking at her intensely. He cocks an eyebrow, she nods, and he swoops down, kissing her neck, running his tongue on her collarbone. He nips her on the neck, and she moans, and he pauses-she can feel him smiling-and then he bites her, actually bites her.
She pushes him away, and he’s about to apologize when she shoves him into one of those chairs by the round table. She climbs on to his lap, and kisses him-she might growl too-and she’s touching him, she just can’t stop touching him, and his hands are in her hair and she’s loosening his tie and he’s dipping under the neckline of this dress-bless Ann and her good fashion sense-and she just can’t stop touching him.
“They were wrong, you know,” she says, voice low and shivery, because what is he doing to her ear?
“They-who were wrong-about-what?” he breathes into her ear.
“About my nipples. There was a prompt, ‘Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt-Leslie has sensitive nipples, Ben is a teaser.’ But they are wrong. I am a back girl.” She climbs off of him-its torture, but-and she positions another chair in front of his and sits in it backwards.
“You want me to-“
“Go for it.”
And he starts unzipping her dress. After all that touching, he keeps his hands only on her dress, and he’s incredibly careful with the material, pulls the zipper down slowly.
And Leslie can’t take it, so she shakes him off and pulls the zipper down herself, unhooking her bra, shrugging the dress off but still covering her breasts, because this is still a government building. She glances over her shoulder at Ben, who is shaking his head.
“Touch me, Ben.”
“You are going to have to be ok with waiting. Promise me, or I’ll stop.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
She bites her lip. She can do this, right?
He stops grinning, and puts out a hand, slowly, lightly on her back, running his fingers shoulder blade to shoulder blade. She shivers. He pauses, then, even slower, even lighter, runs his fingers along her spine.
She probably can’t do this. She needs him to keep touching her, but faster and harder, and she’s never been good at waiting. She’s really more an instant gratification type. Sex is another thing in a long list of things she gets done quickly; she enjoys herself, of course, sometimes twice, but she’s not the type to linger.
But… this is Ben, and she’s willing to give this slow thing a try.
He’s scooting his chair closer to hers, and he’s kneeling on it, placing kisses on her shoulder blades while doing that slow finger thing on her lower back, and it’s really working for her. She feels fluttery in her stomach, but she also feels turned on. Her fingers are itching to rip that ridiculous plaid shirt-green on white, with a skinny brown tie-but she’s going to wait. Besides, he’s nipping at her earlobe and breathing on her neck and all her nerve endings are electric, so that’s working for her.
But really, this isn’t fair. She leans back into him, and murmurs about how it’s her turn, and before he can protest she’s turned around, and her dress has slipped down, and his eyes are huge. So she takes this opportunity to start undoing his tie, slipping the knot down the fabric.
“I said you had to go slow.”
“And I like going fast, but I think I am willing to compromise. Really, Ben, don’t you like democracy?”
So she removes his shirt next, being not nearly so careful with his clothes, being a little careless, really, so that one of his buttons rips off. He frowns, and she doesn’t want to feel badly about what happened so she kisses him. She tangles her fingers in his hair, pulls him in, and his hands are everywhere, all over her body, till she’s mostly in his lap and mostly naked too. He’s still got his pants on, but they’re unbuttoned, so she slips her hands inside this his waistband. She can feel him, hard against her palm, and she can feel the blood pumping. She strokes him a few times, watches as he grits his teeth, but then he removes her hand.
He leans in again, to her ear, and tells her this is all well and good, but he wants to get her off first. So he pushes her back in the chair, kneels in front of her, but doesn’t remove her underwear, just pushes it aside like he can’t even wait that extra minute for her to strip. And there’s a slight desperation, that way he just dives in, that reminds her that while she has been contemplating this for a few months, he was probably interested in her longer.
She knows it’s a little unorthodox to ask, but goes for it anyway. “When?”
He looks at her, raises an eyebrow, and continues.
“No, not when am I going to get off? I am going to get off when I get off, and you are going to keep going till then.” He looks a little startled, but recovers quickly. He looks at her and slowly, deliberately, starts licking her inner thigh instead. She starts squirming, trying to shift his focus back, but he’s clearly enjoying the torment. She threads her fingers through her hair and takes a moment to enjoy the feeling of it in her hands-and then she jerks his head back.
Then he’s shifting and it feels awesome, and she realizes he’s laughing. She laughs too, and soon they are both laughing.
And then he makes a serious face and goes back to what he was doing, only this time he uses his hands to (she may have nudged him gently in this direction) and when she comes she sees stars.
They are going to fuck, it’s just a matter of deciding where.
Ben rushes over to his desk, and Leslie follows. “I’ve always wanted to do the movie hero thing and sweep everything off the desk and take the heroine right there.”
They look at each other, hungry, but they both wince and then start removing papers in neat piles.
Leslie reassures him with a reminder that the laptop belongs to the city and there are very stiff penalties for destroying them. He points out that there are stiff penalties to not having sex very soon, and they are both giggling again.
When they do get on top of the desk (and Leslie gets on top of Ben) and they’re moving slowly together, she tries again. “When did you-ohhh- decide this-“ and she gestures to this excellent sex-“was what you wanted?”
Ben is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “Harvest Fest.”
“Oh me too, I remember looking at you on the third day, when you were talking to Chief Trumble about that bottle rocket incident, and thinking, Ben, I want Ben.
“No, Leslie, when you pitched Harvest Fest. You put yourself on the line, and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”
Leslie, usually so verbose, can’t think of anything to say to that, so she presses her forehead against his and thinks how lucky she is.
***
Ben and Leslie make their way out of the building. It’s mostly quiet, except she can’t seem to stop giggling, and she keeps touching Ben’s arm, Ben’s hand, Ben’s chest. Ben keeps shushing her and trying to finger comb his hair. Leslie knows where all the security cameras are, so whenever they are out of range of them she kisses him on the face. It’s pretty awesome. She’s in the middle of a giggle kiss when she hears Donna coming from around the corner, so she pulls Ben into the nearest doorway- Weights and Measures, good thing they all leave at the stroke of five- and leaves the door cracked so she can eavesdrop.
“Shouldn’t you not listen in on your friend?” Ben asks, gesturing at her hair.
Leslie puts a finger to his lip and hisses, “Don’t talk.”
She can hear Donna down the echo-y hall. “What did I tell you? Everyone needs to hook up at work at least once, or, in my case, whenever the occasion arises.”
“Hooking up at work is dope.” And there’s a loud noise, skin-on-skin, like a high five.
Leslie’s eyes go wide, and she whisper-squeals to Ben, “I can’t believe it! Tom and Donna!”
Ben puts his finger to her lips. She notices he is no longer pretending not to listen too.
“Yeah, congratulations, Tom- multuous. You are now a member of the club. Now all you need is a Benz and maybe some day you will be like me.”
“I could never be as bad-ass as you.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
The two of them stop off in the hallway just past the door Leslie is hiding behind, and she stops breathing, lest they could hear her. One of them is jingling their keys, but they linger inside.
Donna says, “Damn, though, who would have thought, you and Ann?”
Leslie’s mouth drops open.
“Hey, when you got game, you got game. A gentleman never reveals the details.”
“A lady never does either. So let me tell you, Chris must work out six times a day-”
Ben’s mouth opens too.
“Because that man is in fine shape.”
There is a pause, and it’s all Leslie can do not to launch herself out that door and into their conversation.
Tom is a little quieter this time. “There’s something about beautiful people, though-“
“Us?”
“They just don’t seem to try as hard.”
“Yeah, he wasn’t the best. Top ten percent, naked, but barely top half on effort. Top quarter on performance.”
And then there’s that high-five noise, again, and they are gone.
“This has been the weirdest day,” Ben says. Suddenly, his phone goes off. “Damn it!”
“It’s fine, they’re gone, what is it?”
“Chris sent me an email. Blah blah blah, reports, he’s in an excellent mood-“
“Yeah he is!”
“And that’s because-according to his work email, Leslie-they have an email address for the culprit. Some graduate of Sarah Lawrence?”
“It was a woman?”
“I guess? We’ll look into it tomorrow.”
“We should-“
“Yeah?”
“If you want, we should go get some dinner.”
“There’s this great place I found on Summit , for Mexican, they have really authentic horchata-“
“Or, and this is just an idea, but what if we went to JJs and got waffles?”
“Of course.”
He leans over in the doorway and goes to kiss her on the cheek, and she turns her head and captures his mouth instead. And for a moment she considers going back up to his office, or her office, or staying in Weights and Measures, but he pulls away and grabs her hand.
Leslie turns to him, “Lucky you picked that prompt. You could have chosen, oh, Centaur!Leslie lets Ben ride her and then where would we be?”
“In the stables?”
“But that was a great prompt and I’m so glad you picked it.”
Ben laughs, “Picked it? I wrote it.”
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 8.5k
Rating: R.
Disclaimer: Clearly I don’t own it or I would give you all a crisp $20 bill for Christmas
Timeline: Post 3x13. I am messing with the timeline a little. In canon, Ann interviews with City Hall at the end of 3x13, but doesn’t start until 3x15. I am moving that up so that she starts at City Hall before Leslie and Ben go on their road trip in 3x14.
Summary: As the kinkmeme prompt said:
Ben/Leslie, Anyone/Anyone else in the department. Meta: someone in Pawnee runs an RPF kink meme about the Parks and Rec department.
Author’s Note: Rikyl is the April to my Donna.
Read the dvd commentary to this piece here and here
***
Chris is bringing yet another morning meeting to an end with the usual reminders-clean your leftovers out of the fridge in the cafeteria, but don’t leave them in your car because some raccoons can open doors, and please stop feeding the raccoons, they are learning to open doors- when he turns serious.
“Over the weekend our IT department, Jason, was browsing some sites that I am sure are not what they sound like when he found a site specific to the Pawnee City Hall. Someone has started a ‘kinkmeme’ for City Hall employees. People leave ‘prompts’ with names and sexual acts, and then other people write out fictional stories of these sexual encounters.” He slams his hands on the table for emphasis. Meanwhile, people started murmuring to each other.
“Jason has already determined that he cannot remove this board via any legal means, since it is being hosted overseas. Right now, our lawyers are looking into case law to see if there is anything that can be done to serve the site with a cease-and-desist, but as of right now, our hands are tied. Which, actually, is one of the prompts.”
“We are asking that everyone please not look, no matter how tempting it is. We have blocked the site from all work computers, but we ask that you respect yourselves and your coworkers by not visiting the site from personal computers. Please inform your departments about what is happening, and ask them to refrain visiting as well.”
“We are doing everything we can.”
Leslie finishes writing out her notes from the meeting with a “kinkmeme=gross” and closes her padfolio.
When she gathers her own people and repeats almost verbatim what Chris said, with maybe a few more references to how gross the whole thing is, she is surprised to see Tom whip out his phone.
“Whoa, get a look at this, guys!”
Donna drapes a hand on his shoulder and starts reading out loud. “The library is more than represented on this thing. And it sounds like everyone thinks the librarians are some dirty birds.”
Ron looks up from the pole he is leaning against, and lazily lifts a hand from his crossed arms. “I can confirm that is absolutely true.”
Donna looks over at him with undisguised glee. “And that might be why you are on here with your ex. And with several other librarians. That’s going to enrage Tammy.”
“I am going in my office. No one is to come in there. If my ex-wife shows up, tell her I died and left her nothing.”
“Don’t you mean ex-ex-ex wife?” Tom asks, until a glare from Ron cuts off his laughter.
After the slam of Ron’s door, April, also fiddling with her phone, mutters, “This thing is stupid and also barely anyone even prompted me.”
Andy bangs the door open and roller-skates in. “Hey, Babe, what’s up?” He pulls out his phone. “What’s a kin-kmim?”
April says, “You should know, Andy, everyone wants to see you hook up with everyone. Meanwhile, the only one anyone wants to see me screw is Ben.”
Leslie can feel her chest constrict a little. “April, I am sure no one wants to see you sleep with Ben.”
“Actually, they want everyone to sleep with Ben. Look at this! When you click on his name, people want to see him with… everyone.” Donna starts waving her phone around for emphasis. “You-” She points at April, “And you-” Andy “And both of you together, sometimes to ‘teach a lesson about the proper way to be a roommate/adult-‘”
“We’re awesome roommates,” April says while Andy nods. “Ben is the one that doesn’t understand.”
Donna ignores them, “And they want Tom and Ben to ‘try on suits’ and him and Chris to ‘deal with their issues via some really rough sex, sometimes in Pawnee and sometimes before they got here-”
“Who wants to have sex with Chris? Oh, wait, I do, and Ben at the same time, apparently. Glad I didn’t go to Indianapolis after all,” April says, looking annoyed at the phone. “Just three prompts? What is this? I am way better than anyone else here.”
“I don’t like this, I don’t like this at all” Jerry says, chiming in for the first time since Leslie broke the news.
Donna barely glances at him. “Oh, don’t worry, Jerry, you can tell Gail you aren’t even on here.”
“I am sure I am-“
“Nope,” Tom says, “And it looks liked I just haven’t found the section with all my prompts yet.” He looks confident. “I mean, there are even prompts for Mark Brandanowitz. I barely remember that guy. Does he even still live around here?”
Leslie, meanwhile, keeps pulling out her phone and making herself put her phone back in her pocket. Pulls it out, puts it away. Gets a coffee to distract herself, adds in sugar, and then more sugar, and then abandons the coffee on Jerry’s desk so she can stare at her phone some more.
“So this is a sex thing?” Andy asks, looking around. Then he grins “April, we should read these, you know, in bed, as an aphro…periodic” He looks over April’s shoulder. “Who is Jan Cooper, and why is she hosting an orgy?”
“You know, people really hate the DMV. Have you guys seen the DMV prompts? Because wow,” Donna says.
“I can’t believe I am barely requested on this dumb thing. I am going home, I have to get some stuff,” April says, gathering up stuff. “Andy, you watch my desk, just remember, don’t answer the phone and don’t let anyone at Ron.”
“But you know who is on here with Ben the most?” Donna asks, thoughtfully tapping her phone screen with her pinky.
“Ann,” Leslie says, her voice tight, and everyone whips around to look at her.
Donna smirks. “Not even close, though that’s on there too. Actually, it’s you. In every position, in many scenarios, and doing things I am certain you wouldn’t even know how to pull off.”
Leslie gulps. “That is… all right, I got that, great, just… I am going into my office, now, not to check this board, I have binders- binders that need tending to.” And she bolts for her door.
Once there, she starts texting Ann like crazy, demanding Ann call her now. In between, she reads those boards with a rapt fascination, scrolling past the City Council and the Sewage/intern prompts to see that Donna is correct, and she has been paired up with Ben more times than any other pairing. Who is writing these, and what can they see? Can people just tell she has a thing for Ben?
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t appreciate some of these scenarios, too. There was stuff on here she had to admit had crossed her mind once or twice or every time Ben looked at her in that way he did, like he thought she was Princess Leia or something.
In fact, Ben looking at her has fueled quite a few nights of sexual speculation. She’s not huge into taking care of herself because quite honestly, she is usually so busy she doesn’t have the time to get the candles and the bubble bath and the soft music and all that, but the last time she watched a History Channel documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt she started thinking about powerful women and how they always just take what they want, they don’t wait around for men to do it, they just take control, and she was imagining if Ben was there, she could just tie him to her bedposts with those silly ties-and she isn’t the only one that has thought about that, she notes-but she could just tie him to the bed and explain to him that she’s Leslie Fucking Knope, and he is going to get her off three times, and not get to use his hands either-and before she knew it she was moaning even though there were no candles.
There were always candles.
So she’s in the office, contemplating this, it might be the surge of hormones that explains everything that comes later.
***
“Chris, did you prompt this thing?” He might work out three times a day, but Ann has the element of surprise, so when she pops up and pushes her ex against the hallway wall he slams back with a thud.
He blinks at her, entirely off guard. She continues before he can greet her, “You know perfectly well I was not going to do this so now you prompt it in this thing?” She smacks a print-out. “I made my feelings perfectly clear that this is gross.”
“I asked, you said you wouldn’t, I let the matter drop, and that was last year, way back when we were dating. Why would I bring that up now?”
“To fuel your imagination, I don’t know why people are pervs.” Ann lets go of him and starts smoothing down her clothes. “Why are people writing about these things anyway?”
“I assume they are emotionally invested in seeing people they enjoy enjoy themselves," Chris says.
“Maybe.”
“Plus masturbation is good for the body. Endorphins!”
“That’s probably closer to the truth. But I don’t see why they couldn’t just write their own characters rather than using real people who just want to go about their lives without thinking about strangers… it’s just weird to think about.”
Chris isn’t the type that shrugs, but he looks thoughtful for a moment. “Probably feels more real when it’s someone they feel like they know.”
They pause when April struts by, wearing a tank top/mini skirt that leaves little to imagination. She takes a moment to pose against the wall, looking down at herself and then giving them both full-on body scans, all while biting her pinky. Then she turns, slaps her ass, and walks away.
Chris sighs. “That is… I need April to stop dressing like that here. I am going to get Ben to talk to her. Or maybe I should get a woman to do that; I don’t want to open up the city to a lawsuit. Maybe Leslie Knope could talk to her, she is a model employee who also wears work- appropriate clothing.”
Just then Leslie sprints down the hallway. Leslie’s wearing that purple dress Ann had made her buy for a date- not for work. She’s all cleavage in that dress, and even Councilman Houser’s eyes are glued to her.
“Don’t we have an HR department to handle these things? That’s how it works at the hospital.”
“You know, I should look into that. Great idea, Ann Perkins.” He flashes her a smile, and Ann shuts him down.
“Don’t think I don’t have my eye on you, and all the men in this building.”
“Not that I don’t appreciate your eyes on me,” says Chris, putting up his hands. “But I am not the only person you were linked with on board. In fact, you were linked with many other people.”
“I know. I already pinned Tom to a desk and I smacked Jerry on the back of the head,” Ann says, cracking her knuckles.
“I don’t think you were linked with Jerry.”
“He just bugs me. Besides, didn’t you tell us not to read the boards?”
“I am a human being, I am curious just like everyone else.”
“Of course you are. Well, as soon as I find out who is up to this, I am going to make them regret it. I’m a nurse, I know how to do all sorts of things laypeople do not.” His eyes linger on her, giving her a warm look she remembers from back when he would- and she realizes that perhaps she should not be using lines to threaten her exes that she used to use in the bedroom. And not that she wouldn’t go for that again-but no, that’s a terrible idea, no matter how many prompts she’s spent the morning analyzing. She finishes up with as much annoyance as she can muster. “You remember that, Chris.”
“Noted, Ann Perkins.”
***
“Tom, stop prompting yourself on these boards.”
“What are you talking about, Donna-on-me? I am not prompting anything, those must be my fans.”
Donna stirs her coffee and rolls her eyes. “Let’s see. Tom Haverford/the ladies of Pawnee. Tom shows the women his hot collection of hats, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
“Lots of women like hats. And lots of women like Tom Haverford, dope club owner,” says Tom, rubbing his fingers over his suit lapel.
“Right, that must be why they prompted Tom Haverford/bachelorette party. Tom buys women pomegranate drinks in his club, which has half-price drink specials on Wednesdays, and the ladies show their appreciation.”
“Lots of people go to the Snakehole.”
“Or this one. Tom Haverford/Ann Perkins. Tom shows Ann his collection of scarves. She likes them. A lot.”
“That could have been Ann.” But Tom is starting to look a little depressed, so she knows he knows she knows.
“Is that why you have been rubbing your arm and wincing whenever you think I am not looking? Don’t you know that woman is stronger than she looks?” Donna smirks to herself. Tom is cute, but kind of an idiot.
“All women fall for the Haverford charm eventually. You will too, just give it time.”
“I will keep that in mind.” And she might. She’s been reading a lot of prompts, and since most of them focus on her and her Benz…. A woman can only take so much. “You just wish you had half the prompts I do. And stories! At least two stories, which are both great. Unfortunately, they are both with that little idiot you hang out with, who doesn’t even work here.”
“Jean-Ralphio has more prompts than me? This is just ridiculous.”
***
Leslie sees Ben from across the hallway and throws off her blazer. She has switched outfits-large car trunks are so necessary-and her new one is a little cleavage-y. Yeah, Ann told her this was a date outfit, not a work outfit, but whatever-the rules went out the window today.
She doesn’t even pause over the blazer. It’ll find its way back to her. Blazers are kinda her thing, everyone knows that.
Ben gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and starts with, “I just want you to know I had nothing to do with-that site has nothing to do with-“
She ignores that. “Ben, I had some suggestions about fundraising for Lot 48. I know you and Chris put that on the backburner for now, but there is no reason we can’t be brainstorming, right?” She bounces slightly, and Ben’s eyes drift down to the dress. “And I know what you are thinking: bake sale. But I was hoping-“
Ben looks her in the eyes, and interrupts. “Leslie, I think we should go to my office-“
He’s already on the same page!
“And discuss this website.”
“Yes! And bake sales.”
Ben is agonizingly slow at opening the door. Leslie wants to just shove him out the way and open the door herself, but she holds back, forces herself to breathe deeply.
She bounds into his office and pushes past him, perching on the edge of his desk, forcing him to stand in front of her and look down. She waits, digging her fingernails into her palm, because she is going to wait to see what he is going to say.
“Leslie.” He pauses, apparently trying to kill her, that jerk. “Leslie, I know everyone is talking about this message board, and-as you might be aware-even though I know you didn’t read the board, no one’s reading them I am sure-but you are probably aware, we are on there. We, as in you and I. Together.”
Leslie is almost drawing blood, but she is not going to say anything.
“And I just want you know I had nothing to do with this, absolutely nothing. I respect you-“
She notices his eyes snap back to her eyes.
“Not that I don’t-but I didn’t put it on the internet. I would never-I would just ask you to prom-or, since we aren’t in high school, to dinner. Which-”
“I know, Ben. Of course you didn’t put up the board. You so rarely do anything bad, I bet you never let your parking meter expire or are late returning your- ugh- library books. You are so good.”
She pushes her arms together. It’s a trick Lindsay taught her back in junior high when they used to talk about boys and practice kissing. Ben is going love this cleavage.
“I mean, I bet you would never do half the stuff we are doing in someone’s imagination apparently.” She pulls her phone out of her bra-there are no pockets on this dress. “I mean, look at these-“ she scrolls- “I bet you never would let me give you a blow job under your desk, much less-this one gets much more specific-much less while Chris was in the room.”
Ben looks down, and Leslie falters for a moment, because his hair is so distracting. She continues.
“And I don’t forsee you being into spanking-giving or receiving-“ Leslie pauses a moment, lets the idea wash over her, “and I bet you would never want to do this-look at this insane one-thing where I reward you or punish you based on-oooh- if you can name the presidents in the correct order.”
Ben makes a noise in the back on his throat, and Leslie looks up. His jaw is tense, and she can see the veins in his neck working overtime.
“I know, right? Obviously, I would have to go with something much harder. Maybe recite the Declaration of Independence. I do love the Declaration of Independence. I had it memorized before I graduated high school, but I was an overachiever. Let’s see, how does it go? ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind-‘”
“Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…” Ben interrupts her, continues on.
He is standing stock still, reciting, and Leslie’s stomach is all butterflies. She was not even aware this was a thing she wanted, that she wanted nothing more than to hear Ben saying those words.
Considering how terrible he is at speaking on television, he is excellent at giving his speech. His voice is warm and deep, and listening to him talk about overcoming tyranny is almost the dirtiest thing she’s ever heard.
By the time he get to the part about absolving allegiances, he is smirking, finishing up with “’And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.’”
He walks over to her, stands toe-to-toe, and waits. Just waits. Looks fine while he does it, apparently he is much better at handling anticipation than she is. She looks right back, she is not going to break, she is not going to be the one who breaks…
“Well, Leslie?” he says, folding his arms, cocking his head at her, eyes never leaving hers.
Leslie can feel herself start to perspire, wants to fan her neck, but she stares right back. “In. It’s inalienable. Not unalienable.”
“Wrong,” Ben says, much more at ease than he was when they first entered the office. “Just plain wrong.”
“I memorized this, I know this.”
“You might know this, but you are still mistaken. Just incorrect.”
“I know everything worth knowing about the founding documents.”
“How many signers?”
“Please. Fixty-six. Franklin was the oldest. Rutledge was the youngest. McKean, that tease, kept everyone waiting for five years.”
“How big is it?” Ben asks, his eyebrow quirking up. Leslie’s throat dries up, and Ben smirks at her. The silence seems to stretch, for a moment, and then he continues. “The Declaration…?”
“Twenty nine and three-quarters inches by twenty four and a half inches.”
He blinks at her.
“I am excellent at knowing precisely how long something is,” she says, rebounding quickly once she’s back in her element.
“You’re still wrong on un verses in.”
“You wanna bet?” The words are out before she can think them through, but-right or wrong, this could be interesting.
“What are the terms?”
“We look this up. If I am right, and I am, you do something for me from these prompts. If you are right, you get to pick.”
“Leslie, you realize what you’re saying, here, right?”
She looks him dead in the eye, resists the urge to grab him right there. It was is like there’s a fragile soap bubble between them, a giant bubble made with one of those huge wands, and the bubble was shimmering in the summer sun, and Leslie, just as she had felt when she was a young, wanted nothing more than to plunge her hands into that bubble and feel it splatter. She could feel herself tight with anticipation, like she was that preteen again who barely understood herself sexually but knew she wanted nothing more than to pop that bubble, and knew that when she did her body would react with an excitement she wasn’t able to put a name to until her Psychology of Sexuality class in college.
“Absolutely. And I will meet you at five o’clock, here, and we’re going to go over this question, in detail.”
Ben doesn’t falter. “See you then, Leslie.”
***
“You should just go for it, Leslie.”
“Ann, are you sure? I mean, what am I doing here? This is crazy. Isn’t it? Ann, it’s crazy. You’d tell me if it was crazy, right? I mean, Ann, it’s crazy.”
Ann pulls two salads out of her lunchbag and gives one to Leslie. Leslie is panicking about this Ben business, but all Ann really wants to do is eat her salad and get back to reading this one kink fic about Dexhart and the mayor and three gallons of pickle relish. These stories are addictive.
Leslie, meanwhile, doesn’t even notice that Ann’s not paying attention, and keeps going. Ann tries to tune in every so often, but Gunderson is pulling out a spatula, and that requires most of her brain. “Ann-he’s just-I don’t-Jefferson himself-can’t play the violin-all winter-marshmallows-”
Once she finished reading her dirty story, Ann pledges to remain focused on Leslie.
“Of course you should go for it. You send him so many smolder-y looks that the rest of us are brushing excess sparks off of us constantly.”
“What’s going on?” Donna asks, grabbing a seat. “Come on, there are no secrets in the courtyard.”
“Just talking about these dirty stories,” Ann says, sending Donna a look she hopes radiates sincerity.
Donna looks slightly dubious but takes the bait. “Ann, you’re a doctor-“
“No I am not.”
“I think you need to hold a meeting with the people in this building, because apparently some of them have only a tenuous grasp on how sex works. Look at this-“
“You have to actually show me-“
“Trust me, if that was possible, I would have done it. And I have tried!”
“I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable than holding a meeting here to talk about sex with my coworkers. Stuart would-“
“I have been trying to review each of these stories, but it’s really cutting into my writing time,” Donna says.
Leslie looks scandalized. “You can’t do that!”
Ann gives a sidelong glance, raises an eyebrow. Leslie at least has the self-awareness to look chagrined.
“I need your help, Ann. There’s one prompt I want to do, ‘Chris Traeger/Andy Dwyer: the most enthusiastic sex ever! and I feel you are in a unique position.”
Ann sighs, “Great.”
Donna grins. “Or rather, you used to be in a unique position. Or two unique positions.”
Leslie breaks in to the conversation, though she seems more focused on herself than helping Ann out. She’ll take it, though.
“Donna, you have a satisfying sex life-“
Donna takes a bite of her pizza. “Leslie, I realize you are wound up tight, but I don’t play that way.” She pulls out her phone again, “Despite that fic about you and me and the ball gag you so desperately need.”
“I was just wondering if you have condoms. On you- I mean, in you- your purse.”
“Always. You should too, you know. You never know when something is going to happen.” Donna raises an eyebrow at Leslie, who looks embarrassed.
“I know, I should-“
“After all, according to this right here, Ben is going to take you from behind while you are at a podium. Gotta be ready.”
Leslie chokes on her Vitners. Donna, meanwhile, pulls out some condoms slips them into Leslie’s purse. Then she looks across the courtyard at Chris, who is pausing from his post-run stretching to refuel.
“Hey, Traeger, nice carrot!” Chris smiles at that and jogs over to the table while the church bells across the street chime noon. Ann smiles at him self-consciously, but if he’s nervous she’s going to slam him against a wall again, he isn’t showing it. He points at each of them, saying their names, and doesn’t notice when Leslie blushes and looks away.
“Thank you, Donna, carrots are great for the immune system. They just did a study that showed that they might offer protection against lung disease.”
“That’s great, because you are smokin’ today.”
Chris smiles. “Donna, you are hilarious. And that shade of blue is extra becoming on you.”
“’Be-coming’ is goal, daily.” She winked at Leslie, who suddenly moved her purse under the table.
“Dressing well is always important, and you always do,” says Chris.
“That’s what I am talking about, right.” Donna shakes her head and mutters, “It’s a good thing you are good looking.”
Ann nods.
Tom joins them while Leslie is telling everyone about the mysterious package that arrived via carrier service today, and how this may mean that Ron is never going to leave his office again. She tells them she is going to go try to talk Ron out of his office, and she jumps up, purse held tightly to her body, and out of the courtyard.
“Chris, nice run, am I right?” Tom says, fist bumping him. Ann refuses, because no, and he doesn’t fistbump Donna but gives her a genuine smile. “How’s it hanging at the hottest table in the courtyard?”
“Things literally could not be better. Carrot?”
Tom shakes his head. “I was just coming over here to talk to Donna. Can I join you?”
Ann says, “No,” and he sits down across the table from Ann, and naturally that means Chris sits down next to her in Leslie’s vacated seat, and of course. If it’s not one ex sitting next to her at lunch, its it's another doing… whatever is going on across the courtyard with Andy, April… and Ben? Seriously, what is going on over there?
“Ann, how’s City Hall treating you? You’ve been here, what, a week?” Tom says.
Ann starts, “A week and a half. And I like it. I am staying out of trouble-“
Chris unconsciously touches his arm, while Tom rubs his chest.
“Mostly staying out of trouble. It’s… strange starting a new job, after working at just one place for about a decade. It’s fun, it’s new, but I feel like the weird new girl, not sure who to sit next to at lunch.”
Chris immediately launches into his sympathy face. “I have been the new guy consistently for fifteen years, and I can honestly say that I have always had someone to sit next to at lunch. Wait, there was one time… no. Always.”
“Wouldn’t the answer be Leslie? Isn’t the answer always Leslie?” Donna asks, rolling her eyes.
“I refuse to believe a fine drink of water like yourself has ever sat alone at lunch,” Tom says, slipping into his smooth operator routine.
“Thank you all for your help,” Ann says, burying her face in her hands.
Waving her hands, Donna says, “This topic is boring. Let’s talk about the kinkmeme some more.”
“Actually we really shouldn’t-“ But Chris is cut off mid-sentence by Tom.
“Ann, you have already had two stories written about you. How do you feel about that?”
Ann hasn’t seen those, as she has been too busy reading stories about the mayor. “No there aren’t!” and she hopes she’s correct.
Donna laughs. “You’re in for a surprise.”
With some trepidation, Ann pulls out her phone. There’s one that’s… oh wow, her and Leslie, because Ann is always sacrificing for Leslie. Now that Leslie’s chasing Ben, Ann’s a little lonely. So when Leslie comes over for girl talk, Ann needs some comfort. Things get a little sticky after that… She scrolls through the fic, which is very, very detailed, and she feels a little fluttery. She has missed Leslie, but that doesn’t mean she’s lonely. Just, alone. But not lonely. And even if she was, that doesn’t mean she’d just roll around with the nearest warm body. Probably. Especially since the nearest warm body was her ex. Or Donna.
She looks up to three curious faces, and answers the unasked question. “This is… fine. Leslie and I never-but I guess it isn’t that embarrassing. Let me find the other one.” She keeps going and when she finds it she can feel her whole body blush. “Tom, are you kidding? What is this?”
Tom answers, “I didn’t-“
But Ann’s starting to get annoyed. “You wrote this damn scarf thing! What is this? I would never-this is-when I get my hands on you I am going to snap you in half.“
Chris cuts in. “You are not. You can’t-“
She narrows her eyes at him instead. “I don’t care-“
“Well, you have to care, this is absolutely work-inappropriate. I can’t stop you guys from looking at your phones, and fine, I am too, but you are not going to threaten other employees, Ann.” Chris says, his face almost looking angry.
Ann sighs and says, “Fine. Tom, I’m sorry.”
Donna is eating M&Ms with rapt fascination. “Now, that was kinkmeme worthy.”
Chris looks like he’s about to say something, then thinks better of it, shakes his head.
Ann, meanwhile, mouths to Tom, after work, we’re gonna talk. She shuts her mouth when another shadow crosses the table.
Donna smacks the table. “And here’s the man of the hour. Ben, how are you feeling to be the star of the kink meme? The only person even approaching you is Ethel Beavers.”
Tom whips around to Donna, “Beavers? Hot. She sounds fly.”
“Is there no other topic this entire building can discuss? Just when I think Pawnee is special, this stupid- I am going to my office, and I am not coming out, this whole thing is just too much” Ben says, his ranting growing fainter as he stomps away.
“That boy needs to get laid,” Donna says, and no one disagrees.
***
April struts over to Andy, heels clacking, cafeteria lunch in hand. She stumbles-stupid moron shoes- but saves it by looking extra-bored by the whole walking thing. She can hear those stupid noon church bells since she’s outside, and they’re annoying, just shut up, bells.
Andy’s eyes go big and dark, and she can read his mind. Granted, he’s also shifting around in his chair, which makes things a little obvious to her, but there’s that.
“April, Ben and I were just talking about the porn thing. And Chris was too, but he’s over there now.”
“Actually, you’re talking about it. I’m trying to read this budget report. Not that that ever stops you.”
“We’re talking about how weird it is that so many people are invested in City Hall having sex.”
“Except me I am still barely on those boards. You have more prompts than I do. Ben has the most. Why do you have so many, Ben?” asks April.
“I’m not talking about this, April.”
She slides into the seat on the other side of him.
“I bet you’re the one writing them. You just want an excuse to bang everyone.”
There’s a note of warning in his tone, but who cares? “April, we’re at work-“
“I know. But you apparently don’t care. That’s why you want everyone to write about you. You and Chris. You and Tom. You and Leslie, even though you are both boring. You and I.” She looks him in the eye, challenging him, and he looks away first. “There’s even one on here for you and me and Andy.”
“Good lord.”
“It’ll be like that time you walked in on us having sex-“
“You were in my room!”
Andy breaks in from his imaginary guitar-strumming to add in, “I remember that!” And then he goes back to his music
“You definitely lingered in the doorway.”
“April-“
April continues. “And we all know-and when I say ‘all’ I mean the entirety of Pawnee-that you’ve had gay thoughts.”
“Sexuality does not fit into boxes-look, stop it.”
“And you definitely were checking me out today.”
“You’re half-stop it, April-naked, that’s why,” Ben says, removing her hand from his thigh.
April was mostly just bringing this up to screw with him, the same reason she always moved his stuff around just so in the fridge and dumped out his Tide and replaced it with bubble bath. But she had never touched Ben before, and between the sarcastic groping and his hand on hers, she might just be willing to make her offer legit. Andy would go along with it, he would. And he isn’t protesting, not that he’s paying attention, but he isn’t protesting.
Ben’s going on about the dress code, like some City Hall employee handbook come to boring life, and she’s considering exactly how a threesome would go. She wonders if he’s ever done anything like that. Probably not, he’s probably missionary position on Tuesdays with the lights off.
So in the middle of the lecture she leans across Ben, hand on his shoulder, and pulls Andy in for a kiss. Ben actually stops talking and leans backwards, so April rights herself again.
“Don’t do that, you two, it’s-just don’t.”
“Why, does it make you… uncomfortable?”
“Yes!”
She leans in, reaches for Ben’s far shoulder, and flips herself half in his lap, facing up, and Andy leans in to kiss her again, and Ben is trying to push away from the table but he’s having difficulty escaping. It’s kind of exciting, really, and if not for the laws she might just rip off her tank top right there. But then Andy pulls away and asks her if she wants to go make out at his shoestand, and she can see through the window that Kyle’s waiting there, but that’s never stopped them before, so she agrees. She doesn’t get out of Ben’s lap right away, though, even when she notices Leslie making a beeline for their table.
She tells Andy to wait a minute, climbs out of Ben’s lap but puts a hand on his shoulder, casually, possessively. If Leslie notices, she doesn’t say anything, but Ben shakes her off with a real sense of force and purpose.
It’s kind of hot, for Ben.
Leslie starts in, “April, after lunch I need you to help me get Ron out of his office.”
April has no intention of doing that. “I bet he left.”
“Ben, I have those grant proposals for the observatory and they are almost done. Do you want me to bring them by, say, at the end of the day?”
Ben looks at her, and then looks at his hand, and then back at her. “You probably should. No rush. How much are you shooting for with the Gurke grant?”
“Twenty grand. But you know what they say. Go hard or go home.”
Ben blinks at her.
“Go big or go home. Or rather. Wait, that works.”
“Whatever you need, Leslie, I am going to help you get.”
April notes that they’re both leaning just a little too close to each other, and Leslie’s-consciously or not-sticking her chest out way more than she usually does.
Interesting.
Ben’s making eyes at her too. April coughs, and Ben blinks, and he’s his usual self again.
“Leslie, I-I am going to go normal sized, and I am going to go over there. Bring me those grant papers later. At the end of the day. And-see you.” He hightails it over to the other table, where Donna and Tom and Ann and Chris are.
Leslie plops down in Ben’s seat.
“April, what are you wearing?”
***
Leslie knocks on Ben’s door, then decides that’s silly, and bursts in before she loses her nerve.
Ben looks up slowly and deliberately from the legal pad he is writing on and says, “You’re wrong.”
She crosses to him, trembling with anticipation. “I know. Which prompt do I have to do?” She hopes he doesn’t pick anything too weird.
“This one.” Ben pulls out his phone, and shows her a prompt- Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, first kiss.
“That’s not kinky. That’s not even-“
But she can’t continue, because Ben stands up, rounds the desk, and reaches for her, and his fingers are on her jaw, and he is looking at her with such intensity and longing that those butterflies return, and suddenly his mouth is on hers, and his lips tickle hers. She wants to giggle, that such an intense look is being followed with such a feather-light kiss, but then he growls somewhere deep in his throat and he deepens the kiss. He grips the back of her head, threading her hair around his fingers, and Leslie grabs the back of his head with one hand and uses her other hand to pull him closer.
They stumble, and he presses her against the back of his door. He’s pressing against her, hip to hip, and she can feel how much she wants him, how much he wants her. She’s ready-it seems so quick, but then she’s had months of foreplay-but he seems determined to stay there on her mouth.
And then he pulls away, and she feels cold. He looks her in the eyes, and she gasps, because he is looking at her intensely. He cocks an eyebrow, she nods, and he swoops down, kissing her neck, running his tongue on her collarbone. He nips her on the neck, and she moans, and he pauses-she can feel him smiling-and then he bites her, actually bites her.
She pushes him away, and he’s about to apologize when she shoves him into one of those chairs by the round table. She climbs on to his lap, and kisses him-she might growl too-and she’s touching him, she just can’t stop touching him, and his hands are in her hair and she’s loosening his tie and he’s dipping under the neckline of this dress-bless Ann and her good fashion sense-and she just can’t stop touching him.
“They were wrong, you know,” she says, voice low and shivery, because what is he doing to her ear?
“They-who were wrong-about-what?” he breathes into her ear.
“About my nipples. There was a prompt, ‘Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt-Leslie has sensitive nipples, Ben is a teaser.’ But they are wrong. I am a back girl.” She climbs off of him-its torture, but-and she positions another chair in front of his and sits in it backwards.
“You want me to-“
“Go for it.”
And he starts unzipping her dress. After all that touching, he keeps his hands only on her dress, and he’s incredibly careful with the material, pulls the zipper down slowly.
And Leslie can’t take it, so she shakes him off and pulls the zipper down herself, unhooking her bra, shrugging the dress off but still covering her breasts, because this is still a government building. She glances over her shoulder at Ben, who is shaking his head.
“Touch me, Ben.”
“You are going to have to be ok with waiting. Promise me, or I’ll stop.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
She bites her lip. She can do this, right?
He stops grinning, and puts out a hand, slowly, lightly on her back, running his fingers shoulder blade to shoulder blade. She shivers. He pauses, then, even slower, even lighter, runs his fingers along her spine.
She probably can’t do this. She needs him to keep touching her, but faster and harder, and she’s never been good at waiting. She’s really more an instant gratification type. Sex is another thing in a long list of things she gets done quickly; she enjoys herself, of course, sometimes twice, but she’s not the type to linger.
But… this is Ben, and she’s willing to give this slow thing a try.
He’s scooting his chair closer to hers, and he’s kneeling on it, placing kisses on her shoulder blades while doing that slow finger thing on her lower back, and it’s really working for her. She feels fluttery in her stomach, but she also feels turned on. Her fingers are itching to rip that ridiculous plaid shirt-green on white, with a skinny brown tie-but she’s going to wait. Besides, he’s nipping at her earlobe and breathing on her neck and all her nerve endings are electric, so that’s working for her.
But really, this isn’t fair. She leans back into him, and murmurs about how it’s her turn, and before he can protest she’s turned around, and her dress has slipped down, and his eyes are huge. So she takes this opportunity to start undoing his tie, slipping the knot down the fabric.
“I said you had to go slow.”
“And I like going fast, but I think I am willing to compromise. Really, Ben, don’t you like democracy?”
So she removes his shirt next, being not nearly so careful with his clothes, being a little careless, really, so that one of his buttons rips off. He frowns, and she doesn’t want to feel badly about what happened so she kisses him. She tangles her fingers in his hair, pulls him in, and his hands are everywhere, all over her body, till she’s mostly in his lap and mostly naked too. He’s still got his pants on, but they’re unbuttoned, so she slips her hands inside this his waistband. She can feel him, hard against her palm, and she can feel the blood pumping. She strokes him a few times, watches as he grits his teeth, but then he removes her hand.
He leans in again, to her ear, and tells her this is all well and good, but he wants to get her off first. So he pushes her back in the chair, kneels in front of her, but doesn’t remove her underwear, just pushes it aside like he can’t even wait that extra minute for her to strip. And there’s a slight desperation, that way he just dives in, that reminds her that while she has been contemplating this for a few months, he was probably interested in her longer.
She knows it’s a little unorthodox to ask, but goes for it anyway. “When?”
He looks at her, raises an eyebrow, and continues.
“No, not when am I going to get off? I am going to get off when I get off, and you are going to keep going till then.” He looks a little startled, but recovers quickly. He looks at her and slowly, deliberately, starts licking her inner thigh instead. She starts squirming, trying to shift his focus back, but he’s clearly enjoying the torment. She threads her fingers through her hair and takes a moment to enjoy the feeling of it in her hands-and then she jerks his head back.
Then he’s shifting and it feels awesome, and she realizes he’s laughing. She laughs too, and soon they are both laughing.
And then he makes a serious face and goes back to what he was doing, only this time he uses his hands to (she may have nudged him gently in this direction) and when she comes she sees stars.
They are going to fuck, it’s just a matter of deciding where.
Ben rushes over to his desk, and Leslie follows. “I’ve always wanted to do the movie hero thing and sweep everything off the desk and take the heroine right there.”
They look at each other, hungry, but they both wince and then start removing papers in neat piles.
Leslie reassures him with a reminder that the laptop belongs to the city and there are very stiff penalties for destroying them. He points out that there are stiff penalties to not having sex very soon, and they are both giggling again.
When they do get on top of the desk (and Leslie gets on top of Ben) and they’re moving slowly together, she tries again. “When did you-ohhh- decide this-“ and she gestures to this excellent sex-“was what you wanted?”
Ben is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “Harvest Fest.”
“Oh me too, I remember looking at you on the third day, when you were talking to Chief Trumble about that bottle rocket incident, and thinking, Ben, I want Ben.
“No, Leslie, when you pitched Harvest Fest. You put yourself on the line, and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”
Leslie, usually so verbose, can’t think of anything to say to that, so she presses her forehead against his and thinks how lucky she is.
***
Ben and Leslie make their way out of the building. It’s mostly quiet, except she can’t seem to stop giggling, and she keeps touching Ben’s arm, Ben’s hand, Ben’s chest. Ben keeps shushing her and trying to finger comb his hair. Leslie knows where all the security cameras are, so whenever they are out of range of them she kisses him on the face. It’s pretty awesome. She’s in the middle of a giggle kiss when she hears Donna coming from around the corner, so she pulls Ben into the nearest doorway- Weights and Measures, good thing they all leave at the stroke of five- and leaves the door cracked so she can eavesdrop.
“Shouldn’t you not listen in on your friend?” Ben asks, gesturing at her hair.
Leslie puts a finger to his lip and hisses, “Don’t talk.”
She can hear Donna down the echo-y hall. “What did I tell you? Everyone needs to hook up at work at least once, or, in my case, whenever the occasion arises.”
“Hooking up at work is dope.” And there’s a loud noise, skin-on-skin, like a high five.
Leslie’s eyes go wide, and she whisper-squeals to Ben, “I can’t believe it! Tom and Donna!”
Ben puts his finger to her lips. She notices he is no longer pretending not to listen too.
“Yeah, congratulations, Tom- multuous. You are now a member of the club. Now all you need is a Benz and maybe some day you will be like me.”
“I could never be as bad-ass as you.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
The two of them stop off in the hallway just past the door Leslie is hiding behind, and she stops breathing, lest they could hear her. One of them is jingling their keys, but they linger inside.
Donna says, “Damn, though, who would have thought, you and Ann?”
Leslie’s mouth drops open.
“Hey, when you got game, you got game. A gentleman never reveals the details.”
“A lady never does either. So let me tell you, Chris must work out six times a day-”
Ben’s mouth opens too.
“Because that man is in fine shape.”
There is a pause, and it’s all Leslie can do not to launch herself out that door and into their conversation.
Tom is a little quieter this time. “There’s something about beautiful people, though-“
“Us?”
“They just don’t seem to try as hard.”
“Yeah, he wasn’t the best. Top ten percent, naked, but barely top half on effort. Top quarter on performance.”
And then there’s that high-five noise, again, and they are gone.
“This has been the weirdest day,” Ben says. Suddenly, his phone goes off. “Damn it!”
“It’s fine, they’re gone, what is it?”
“Chris sent me an email. Blah blah blah, reports, he’s in an excellent mood-“
“Yeah he is!”
“And that’s because-according to his work email, Leslie-they have an email address for the culprit. Some graduate of Sarah Lawrence?”
“It was a woman?”
“I guess? We’ll look into it tomorrow.”
“We should-“
“Yeah?”
“If you want, we should go get some dinner.”
“There’s this great place I found on Summit , for Mexican, they have really authentic horchata-“
“Or, and this is just an idea, but what if we went to JJs and got waffles?”
“Of course.”
He leans over in the doorway and goes to kiss her on the cheek, and she turns her head and captures his mouth instead. And for a moment she considers going back up to his office, or her office, or staying in Weights and Measures, but he pulls away and grabs her hand.
Leslie turns to him, “Lucky you picked that prompt. You could have chosen, oh, Centaur!Leslie lets Ben ride her and then where would we be?”
“In the stables?”
“But that was a great prompt and I’m so glad you picked it.”
Ben laughs, “Picked it? I wrote it.”