hidden thoughts
i feel like everything is just one big cycle. everything always falls apart and then is shortly put back together, and im here just sitting here wondering what i can do to brake this neverending cycle, and the only answer i find is to get up and leave, but then why havent i done that yet, why havent i said fuck you im better then this, and it always comes down to me leaveing then getting pulled back, i was in choir yesturday and my teacher was talking to use about how to reach the top, he said "people that climb mountains dont do it for the fun or for the pain or for any other feeling but to see the top of the world when they get there, to look around and know that they made it, they could sit for 2 months at the base camp, then 2 more at a little higher level, just to get used to the pressure, then they started there climb and even though many people give up and many people even die, the few who make it to the top have a story to tell for the rest of their lives." why my teacher would tell us this in choir is because although everyone in the choir may be awesome soloist and have the most amasing voice ever, if you dont work as a team to get there, you lose everything. so i guess im kinda in a werid mood were i wanna write some epic post so that everyone will think im amasing, but truth be told im really worried that since i picked a side and since i told someone they were being a little asshole to everyone that loves them, im kinda confuzed, i kinda feel like if this persons mad at me its way different from any of the other friends because im different then that, the way i see it is, yeah im a close friend, but im also "the one" and although right now i dont know what to say or what to do, in a week everything will fix itself because we are "trying to get to the top" i dont know, to be honest i couldnt sleep last night and i feel like my head and my heart are not even mine anymore. its just like last time, and i know that somethings going on but then agian i know that im still the main choice, but im confuzed, the way i see it, if i say fuck you i hate you and never wanna talk to you agian that will cause a fight then we will be fine agian, but if i dont what i really wanna do then ill lose for a little bit but then win a lot. i wish i was gone, its all stupid high school bullshit and the only reason its worth it anymore is because now theres love there too, but ahhhhhh i have no idea what i want, i mean, yes i do. i want a break from this, i wanna not have to be the middle man, its stupid, boys should work there own problems out and not make me do it for them, cause now im the one at blame. i dont know, im still confuzed and im still all about me never leaveing someone i love, but i dont know, it kinda seems like we should put him in a box to be left alone for a little, since people now piss him off. ahhh i dont know, im just gonna do the savannah thing and tell him in person, and remind him who really loves him and who he really loves. i kinda think im so used to this that im starting to really enjoy it.