"Complete"
Title: Complete (Yuletide Fic)
Fandom: Save Me
Pairing/Characters: Mark/Scott
Rating: PG13 ish?
Spoilers: the end of the movie
Word count: 2471
Summary: The road to the first time
Disclaimer: Don't own what doesn't belong to me
Author's notes: Err . . . surprise, storyfan? This was a tough one for me to write. I'd probably rewrite it if I could, but it's already out there in cyberspace now :)
Credit Where Credit's Due: To nyteflyer for the patient beta'ing, and for encouraging me when I freaked out about having to write for someone on my friends list :)
On many of those first nights out, Mark awoke in a dead panic. Though he’d come to accept that there could have been no other choice, leaving behind the orderly for the unknown often filled his dreams with dread.
Genesis House had been his safe-haven. Within its rustic walls he’d found friendship, routine, and a place to break free from the drugs that had taken hold of his body and mind. But as much as that had meant to him, and as far as he had come, he understood now that he still had a long way to go before he could feel like a complete person again.
After Scott left, he’d known deep down in that place he always tried to ignore that he would never find what was missing at Genesis. He needed to learn to love himself again-or perhaps for the very first time-and he couldn’t do that in an environment that condemned his heart’s desires as a sin. He needed absolution of the soul, and the god that Gayle believed in simply could not grant him that. So he’d taken the chance and left when Scott had come for him, praying to a more benevolent deity that he’d find the answers he sought by loving another man.
But there was still so much about being with Scott that felt unfamiliar. It had been many years since Mark had allowed himself to dream of falling asleep and waking up beside the same strong, warm, man, day after day. Yet that was what he was living now, and each and every time he jerked upright with unsteady breaths hammering through his chest Scott was there. Scott was there to wrap him up securely and whisper lulling nonsense into his ear until his pulse returned to normal, his eyelids drooped, and he sank back into the peace of sleep. And Scott was still right there the next morning, smiling his vibrant smile and graciously pretending like the man he’d slept next to was not quietly falling apart each night.
There were just so many pieces to put back together that Mark wasn’t sure there was a way to make them fit right again. He trusted Scott, but he didn’t completely trust himself. It was far too early to tell if the two of them were going to ride off into the sunset together, but there was already a hell of a lot hanging on that ride. If they couldn’t make this work, Mark had nowhere to go. He doubted his family would take him back. Even if he could somehow explain that leaving Genesis had nothing to do with returning to a life of hustling and drug abuse, he wasn’t ready to stand before them and convince them that he loved himself, exactly as he was, and that they should, too. He wasn’t quite there yet-wherever there was.
And he wasn’t quite there yet with Scott, either. All he’d learned so far of their compatibility was that Scott’s presence both excited and calmed him, and that Scott’s arms and lips provided healing touches for his troubled soul. But there were other aspects of their relationship-all too crucial aspects-that were as of yet uncharted.
The first days out had been all about reconciling abrupt action with reality. Since then they’d shared long talks, lasting moments in each other’s arms, sweet kisses and gentle caresses, but nothing more. Beyond that was a place Mark had been to many, many times, though not with love in his heart. Not since he’d been little more than a boy, anyway-and that felt like it had been nearly a lifetime ago. Somehow, as the first days turned into the first week he began to sink into the fear that crossing that threshold with Scott would put their budding love in danger-that it would soil it by making it about the gratification of carnal desires instead of about the emotional connection they shared.
Scott never pressured him, but Mark was no fool. There were often times when he could feel the force of Scott’s hardness pressing up against his own. In those moments he tried to convince himself it was okay to move forward, but he’d set the stakes so spectacularly high in his mind that the mere thought of it was enough to work him out of the mood and into a panic instead.
And that probably had something to do with why, even though a week had turned into two and then three, he still found himself waking in a cold sweat, bolting upright and gasping like a fish out of water.
Scott had the motions down pat by now. He sat up immediately; eyes still partially closed, mind probably still half-asleep, and pulled Mark tightly against his chest.
“Shh, baby. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
Mark drew in labored breaths, opening his eyes wide and willing his pupils to readjust, banning the darkness from his life.
“Shh. Breathe. Breathe, baby.”
After a few more seconds of struggling, Mark relented, letting his body sink back against Scott’s total support. He whimpered a little, which always disgusted him, but Scott never seemed to mind.
In fact, he cradled him more tightly against his broad chest. “Everything is okay.”
It was hard to believe, but Mark hoped that one of these days, he’d have enough faith to trust that Scott was right.
~*~*~*~
“Alright,” Scott said the next afternoon, wiping the sweat from his brow with his forearm. “We’ve just got to finish up the siding and patch that spot in the roof, then she’s good to go.”
They were standing outside Scott’s childhood home, finishing the work on the most glaring faults in order to make it sellable. Where they were going from there was anyone’s guess, but Scott wanted to move on, and Mark was grateful for the distraction that packing, emptying and repairing the house had provided. It had given him something to focus on when the enormity of being out in the real world had threatened to overwhelm him, and it was a reason to postpone any set-in-stone plans for the future. Scott had said they had time to think things through, and in that, at least, Mark could go along.
The ladder was already up against the side of the house because Scott had been inspecting the damage the day before, and he quickly sidled up to it, smiling back at Mark broadly. “Whaddaya say, you up for a little roof work today?”
“Sure,” Mark shrugged. “I’d say I’m at least partially qualified for that.”
Scott laughed. “Everything you know, I taught you.”
That was true about more than just roof repair, but Mark just smiled, grabbing a tube of caulking on his way up.
They made quick work of the leaky spot together, both because Scott was so experienced and because they worked well together as a team. Mark allowed his mind to wander, however briefly, to that place he liked to keep it from going-the uncertain future-and considered if he might want to find roofing work wherever they happened to wind up. It had been a long time since he’d been gainfully employed, and getting a chance to work with his hands out in the fresh air and sunlight didn’t seem too unappealing.
Except for one small part.
Scott gathered their tools up and tossed them into his work belt, then waited patiently for Mark by the ladder.
“Come on,” he said, grinning mischievously. “You might as well get it over with now rather than prolong the agony. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone so eager to do roofing work that was so afraid of heights.”
Mark scratched at his forehead as he edged closer to Scott. “I’ve been thinking about it,” he said with more levity than he felt, “and I don’t actually think I’m afraid of heights. I’m just afraid of falling from a height.”
“I see,” Scott laughed. “An important distinction . . . but you’re not exactly on a skyscraper here. You could jump down and probably not get a scratch on you.”
“Thanks, but I’ll climb.” Mark rolled his eyes, waiting for Scott to clear the topmost rung before he very gingerly placed his feet on it. The ladder wobbled a little from Scott’s descent, and despite his desire for bravado, Mark’s body froze.
Scott’s hand was along his calf in an instant. “Come on, one foot at a time, you’ll be down in just a few steps.”
Mark took the next step and Scott stayed where he was, so that his hand gently transferred from calf to thigh, and from there it slid up to Mark’s backside with a little more pressure than was necessary.
Mark turned his body around slightly so that he could catch Scott’s eye. They’d almost reached the ground by this point, but Scott made no move to retract his hand, and Mark had no desire for him to do so. The moment reminded him of another, when he’d first felt Scott’s hands along his body-- a sweet, gentle touch he’d longed for even when it had been a sin.
Now he didn’t have to tell Scott to move his hands. He didn’t have to tell him to watch where he put his hands ever again.
Scott seemed to notice the emotional shift in the atmosphere and he took a deep breath, aqua eyes rippling with hidden depths, just like the ocean. “I won’t let you fall, you know.”
Scott’s hands never left him for an instant as Mark clambered the rest of the way down. Reclining against the ladder, they delved into each other’s lips, barely pushing apart for air before sinking back in again. Scott encircled his waist with strong arms and Mark clutched at Scott’s shoulders, squeezing them tightly enough to make his fingers feel numb.
Every other part of him was vibrating with life, though; pulsing with energy and longing, but it was much more than just carnal desire. He wanted to be with Scott in that sense, yes; but he wanted much more than that. He wanted to go to sleep beside him and wake up tucked in his embrace, day in and day out. He wanted a life with Scott, and perhaps the most amazing aspect of that was that he wanted a life far more than he had many, many years.
And Scott wasn’t going to let him fall.
He pulled Scott’s shoulders toward him, dragging the rest of his body with them, and stood on the first rung of the ladder so he could press into him deeply, groin to groin.
Scott broke off the kiss with a shudder. “Mark . . .”
“I want you,” Mark whispered, his voice husky with pent-up emotion. “I want this. I want us.”
Scott smiled, and the relief in that expression touched every part of his face. “I want us, too. But not here.”
Mark stepped back. He understood Scott’s hesitancy, especially in this house with all of its bitter and bittersweet memories, but having finally reached that tipping point where he felt he was ready, waiting any longer made him want to stamp his foot like a petulant child.
“Where?” he breathed, growing more desperate by the moment. Not in the same way he’d ever been for sexual release before, but with a need to prove to himself that he was a whole person again, capable of both giving and receiving love.
Scott pulled him back in for another kiss. “I have an idea,” he said.
~*~*~*~
They tossed all the comforters from the house into the back of Scott’s pickup truck, then took off, driving deep into the wilderness. Scott seemed to know where he was going, so Mark didn’t pay much attention to their surroundings. He was too busy holding Scott’s hand and staring at him in growing nervous anticipation. Every few seconds, Scott would turn towards him and their eyes would meet, then drift away again, almost shyly. By the time they finally pulled over, Mark had started to let some doubts creep back in. Was this really the right time? The right place?
Scott got out of the truck and Mark followed. They’d off-roaded to a clearing in the woods with a view of the mountains, and as the sun set, it made the red dust of the earth glow even redder.
“Used to come out here to think, sometimes,” Scott said quietly. He pulled down the tailgate and eased into the bed of the truck, then stuck out a hand for Mark. “You can see the stars a lot better out here at night without all the light pollution.”
Mark nodded, climbing in beside him and settling in amongst the piles of blankets. Scott reached out and gripped his hand again as they fell silent, watching the sun sink into oblivion.
“I’m sorry,” Mark said as the sky’s purple afterglow began to fade. He lay back and stared at the moon, which was steadily becoming brighter in the sun’s absence.
“Sorry? What for?” Scott reclined alongside him, concern etched across his brow. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“I’m . . . I’m still just so . . . messed up inside. I wake you up nearly every night. It’s taken me three weeks to feel right about being . . . with you, in the right way. I don’t know. I was broken for such a long time . . . I don’t want to drag you down. Don’t you ever feel like I’m taking advantage of you? Trying to hitch my star to you?”
Scott was silent for a moment before a chuckle escaped his lips. Then the chuckle turned into a laugh, and the laugh erased the worry from his face and replaced it with beautiful lines of happiness.
“Mark, do you honestly think I’ve got it all figured out? That I’m not a little broken too? If I had all my shit together, I would never have wound up at Genesis. I was . . . looking for something. Some piece of myself. I thought I was looking for acceptance from my father . . . but maybe I was just looking for acceptance from myself.”
Mark nodded solemnly as that truth sank in, then moved in a little closer to Scott until they were cuddling face to face. “Did you find it?”
“I found something,” Scott said, staring into him deeply. “And I really think I’m on my way to feeling complete.”
Tears welled in Mark’s eyes. He didn’t quite have the words to tell Scott that he felt exactly the same way, but somehow, he didn’t think he needed them. He was pretty sure Scott already knew.
He drew Scott in for a kiss, tasting the beauty of completion, and as they made love under the stars that night he had faith that everything would be okay.
~*~*~*~
Fandom: Save Me
Pairing/Characters: Mark/Scott
Rating: PG13 ish?
Spoilers: the end of the movie
Word count: 2471
Summary: The road to the first time
Disclaimer: Don't own what doesn't belong to me
Author's notes: Err . . . surprise, storyfan? This was a tough one for me to write. I'd probably rewrite it if I could, but it's already out there in cyberspace now :)
Credit Where Credit's Due: To nyteflyer for the patient beta'ing, and for encouraging me when I freaked out about having to write for someone on my friends list :)
On many of those first nights out, Mark awoke in a dead panic. Though he’d come to accept that there could have been no other choice, leaving behind the orderly for the unknown often filled his dreams with dread.
Genesis House had been his safe-haven. Within its rustic walls he’d found friendship, routine, and a place to break free from the drugs that had taken hold of his body and mind. But as much as that had meant to him, and as far as he had come, he understood now that he still had a long way to go before he could feel like a complete person again.
After Scott left, he’d known deep down in that place he always tried to ignore that he would never find what was missing at Genesis. He needed to learn to love himself again-or perhaps for the very first time-and he couldn’t do that in an environment that condemned his heart’s desires as a sin. He needed absolution of the soul, and the god that Gayle believed in simply could not grant him that. So he’d taken the chance and left when Scott had come for him, praying to a more benevolent deity that he’d find the answers he sought by loving another man.
But there was still so much about being with Scott that felt unfamiliar. It had been many years since Mark had allowed himself to dream of falling asleep and waking up beside the same strong, warm, man, day after day. Yet that was what he was living now, and each and every time he jerked upright with unsteady breaths hammering through his chest Scott was there. Scott was there to wrap him up securely and whisper lulling nonsense into his ear until his pulse returned to normal, his eyelids drooped, and he sank back into the peace of sleep. And Scott was still right there the next morning, smiling his vibrant smile and graciously pretending like the man he’d slept next to was not quietly falling apart each night.
There were just so many pieces to put back together that Mark wasn’t sure there was a way to make them fit right again. He trusted Scott, but he didn’t completely trust himself. It was far too early to tell if the two of them were going to ride off into the sunset together, but there was already a hell of a lot hanging on that ride. If they couldn’t make this work, Mark had nowhere to go. He doubted his family would take him back. Even if he could somehow explain that leaving Genesis had nothing to do with returning to a life of hustling and drug abuse, he wasn’t ready to stand before them and convince them that he loved himself, exactly as he was, and that they should, too. He wasn’t quite there yet-wherever there was.
And he wasn’t quite there yet with Scott, either. All he’d learned so far of their compatibility was that Scott’s presence both excited and calmed him, and that Scott’s arms and lips provided healing touches for his troubled soul. But there were other aspects of their relationship-all too crucial aspects-that were as of yet uncharted.
The first days out had been all about reconciling abrupt action with reality. Since then they’d shared long talks, lasting moments in each other’s arms, sweet kisses and gentle caresses, but nothing more. Beyond that was a place Mark had been to many, many times, though not with love in his heart. Not since he’d been little more than a boy, anyway-and that felt like it had been nearly a lifetime ago. Somehow, as the first days turned into the first week he began to sink into the fear that crossing that threshold with Scott would put their budding love in danger-that it would soil it by making it about the gratification of carnal desires instead of about the emotional connection they shared.
Scott never pressured him, but Mark was no fool. There were often times when he could feel the force of Scott’s hardness pressing up against his own. In those moments he tried to convince himself it was okay to move forward, but he’d set the stakes so spectacularly high in his mind that the mere thought of it was enough to work him out of the mood and into a panic instead.
And that probably had something to do with why, even though a week had turned into two and then three, he still found himself waking in a cold sweat, bolting upright and gasping like a fish out of water.
Scott had the motions down pat by now. He sat up immediately; eyes still partially closed, mind probably still half-asleep, and pulled Mark tightly against his chest.
“Shh, baby. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
Mark drew in labored breaths, opening his eyes wide and willing his pupils to readjust, banning the darkness from his life.
“Shh. Breathe. Breathe, baby.”
After a few more seconds of struggling, Mark relented, letting his body sink back against Scott’s total support. He whimpered a little, which always disgusted him, but Scott never seemed to mind.
In fact, he cradled him more tightly against his broad chest. “Everything is okay.”
It was hard to believe, but Mark hoped that one of these days, he’d have enough faith to trust that Scott was right.
~*~*~*~
“Alright,” Scott said the next afternoon, wiping the sweat from his brow with his forearm. “We’ve just got to finish up the siding and patch that spot in the roof, then she’s good to go.”
They were standing outside Scott’s childhood home, finishing the work on the most glaring faults in order to make it sellable. Where they were going from there was anyone’s guess, but Scott wanted to move on, and Mark was grateful for the distraction that packing, emptying and repairing the house had provided. It had given him something to focus on when the enormity of being out in the real world had threatened to overwhelm him, and it was a reason to postpone any set-in-stone plans for the future. Scott had said they had time to think things through, and in that, at least, Mark could go along.
The ladder was already up against the side of the house because Scott had been inspecting the damage the day before, and he quickly sidled up to it, smiling back at Mark broadly. “Whaddaya say, you up for a little roof work today?”
“Sure,” Mark shrugged. “I’d say I’m at least partially qualified for that.”
Scott laughed. “Everything you know, I taught you.”
That was true about more than just roof repair, but Mark just smiled, grabbing a tube of caulking on his way up.
They made quick work of the leaky spot together, both because Scott was so experienced and because they worked well together as a team. Mark allowed his mind to wander, however briefly, to that place he liked to keep it from going-the uncertain future-and considered if he might want to find roofing work wherever they happened to wind up. It had been a long time since he’d been gainfully employed, and getting a chance to work with his hands out in the fresh air and sunlight didn’t seem too unappealing.
Except for one small part.
Scott gathered their tools up and tossed them into his work belt, then waited patiently for Mark by the ladder.
“Come on,” he said, grinning mischievously. “You might as well get it over with now rather than prolong the agony. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone so eager to do roofing work that was so afraid of heights.”
Mark scratched at his forehead as he edged closer to Scott. “I’ve been thinking about it,” he said with more levity than he felt, “and I don’t actually think I’m afraid of heights. I’m just afraid of falling from a height.”
“I see,” Scott laughed. “An important distinction . . . but you’re not exactly on a skyscraper here. You could jump down and probably not get a scratch on you.”
“Thanks, but I’ll climb.” Mark rolled his eyes, waiting for Scott to clear the topmost rung before he very gingerly placed his feet on it. The ladder wobbled a little from Scott’s descent, and despite his desire for bravado, Mark’s body froze.
Scott’s hand was along his calf in an instant. “Come on, one foot at a time, you’ll be down in just a few steps.”
Mark took the next step and Scott stayed where he was, so that his hand gently transferred from calf to thigh, and from there it slid up to Mark’s backside with a little more pressure than was necessary.
Mark turned his body around slightly so that he could catch Scott’s eye. They’d almost reached the ground by this point, but Scott made no move to retract his hand, and Mark had no desire for him to do so. The moment reminded him of another, when he’d first felt Scott’s hands along his body-- a sweet, gentle touch he’d longed for even when it had been a sin.
Now he didn’t have to tell Scott to move his hands. He didn’t have to tell him to watch where he put his hands ever again.
Scott seemed to notice the emotional shift in the atmosphere and he took a deep breath, aqua eyes rippling with hidden depths, just like the ocean. “I won’t let you fall, you know.”
Scott’s hands never left him for an instant as Mark clambered the rest of the way down. Reclining against the ladder, they delved into each other’s lips, barely pushing apart for air before sinking back in again. Scott encircled his waist with strong arms and Mark clutched at Scott’s shoulders, squeezing them tightly enough to make his fingers feel numb.
Every other part of him was vibrating with life, though; pulsing with energy and longing, but it was much more than just carnal desire. He wanted to be with Scott in that sense, yes; but he wanted much more than that. He wanted to go to sleep beside him and wake up tucked in his embrace, day in and day out. He wanted a life with Scott, and perhaps the most amazing aspect of that was that he wanted a life far more than he had many, many years.
And Scott wasn’t going to let him fall.
He pulled Scott’s shoulders toward him, dragging the rest of his body with them, and stood on the first rung of the ladder so he could press into him deeply, groin to groin.
Scott broke off the kiss with a shudder. “Mark . . .”
“I want you,” Mark whispered, his voice husky with pent-up emotion. “I want this. I want us.”
Scott smiled, and the relief in that expression touched every part of his face. “I want us, too. But not here.”
Mark stepped back. He understood Scott’s hesitancy, especially in this house with all of its bitter and bittersweet memories, but having finally reached that tipping point where he felt he was ready, waiting any longer made him want to stamp his foot like a petulant child.
“Where?” he breathed, growing more desperate by the moment. Not in the same way he’d ever been for sexual release before, but with a need to prove to himself that he was a whole person again, capable of both giving and receiving love.
Scott pulled him back in for another kiss. “I have an idea,” he said.
~*~*~*~
They tossed all the comforters from the house into the back of Scott’s pickup truck, then took off, driving deep into the wilderness. Scott seemed to know where he was going, so Mark didn’t pay much attention to their surroundings. He was too busy holding Scott’s hand and staring at him in growing nervous anticipation. Every few seconds, Scott would turn towards him and their eyes would meet, then drift away again, almost shyly. By the time they finally pulled over, Mark had started to let some doubts creep back in. Was this really the right time? The right place?
Scott got out of the truck and Mark followed. They’d off-roaded to a clearing in the woods with a view of the mountains, and as the sun set, it made the red dust of the earth glow even redder.
“Used to come out here to think, sometimes,” Scott said quietly. He pulled down the tailgate and eased into the bed of the truck, then stuck out a hand for Mark. “You can see the stars a lot better out here at night without all the light pollution.”
Mark nodded, climbing in beside him and settling in amongst the piles of blankets. Scott reached out and gripped his hand again as they fell silent, watching the sun sink into oblivion.
“I’m sorry,” Mark said as the sky’s purple afterglow began to fade. He lay back and stared at the moon, which was steadily becoming brighter in the sun’s absence.
“Sorry? What for?” Scott reclined alongside him, concern etched across his brow. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“I’m . . . I’m still just so . . . messed up inside. I wake you up nearly every night. It’s taken me three weeks to feel right about being . . . with you, in the right way. I don’t know. I was broken for such a long time . . . I don’t want to drag you down. Don’t you ever feel like I’m taking advantage of you? Trying to hitch my star to you?”
Scott was silent for a moment before a chuckle escaped his lips. Then the chuckle turned into a laugh, and the laugh erased the worry from his face and replaced it with beautiful lines of happiness.
“Mark, do you honestly think I’ve got it all figured out? That I’m not a little broken too? If I had all my shit together, I would never have wound up at Genesis. I was . . . looking for something. Some piece of myself. I thought I was looking for acceptance from my father . . . but maybe I was just looking for acceptance from myself.”
Mark nodded solemnly as that truth sank in, then moved in a little closer to Scott until they were cuddling face to face. “Did you find it?”
“I found something,” Scott said, staring into him deeply. “And I really think I’m on my way to feeling complete.”
Tears welled in Mark’s eyes. He didn’t quite have the words to tell Scott that he felt exactly the same way, but somehow, he didn’t think he needed them. He was pretty sure Scott already knew.
He drew Scott in for a kiss, tasting the beauty of completion, and as they made love under the stars that night he had faith that everything would be okay.
~*~*~*~