Jokes for the day
On Aging
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart . "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure
my daughters visit me twice a week."
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping
cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think
of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to
get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you
grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
Good Ones
> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It
depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,
"University of North Carolina." And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money,"
she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A Women's PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, pray for Love to forgive him, and I pray for Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.