Comments | savorie: Two or more rationalizations why I don't ask for what I need

savorie

Two or more rationalizations why I don't ask for what I need

Dec 30, 2009 14:09

1) I lack the grace to take "no" for an answer well enough.

2) I admonish myself for not being more accepting (see reason #1) of the shortcomings and limitations of individuals.

2a) Asking for what I need seems to imply that I'm not grateful for what I'm already getting.

Comments 13

radiantsun December 31 2009, 05:47:41 UTC

Sometimes, my 'no-tank' gets full.

And Mhat says NO a lot, or at least he used to. Mostly it was just the first thing out of his mouth, even if he meant maybe later, he just said no.

We did an excercise, borrowed from improv, where he couldn't say no to me, he had to accept what i was saying and build on it. It made hearing no in other parts of my life easier to deal with because my no tank wasn't always over flowing anymore.

anthologie December 31 2009, 05:50:55 UTC

What, exactly, bothers you about it when others say no?

laughingstone December 31 2009, 07:19:59 UTC

At least you have the awareness to admit that you lack the grace to accept no. But I don't think you'd lose any friends over that, especially if your loved ones are aware of your limitation in accepting "no's" gracefully. It takes a fair amount of grace to just admit that. :)

xthread December 31 2009, 17:34:03 UTC

2a) Asking for what I need seems to imply that I'm not grateful for what I'm already getting

Erm? How are the people you need it from supposed to know that you need it?
And can you crack that implication open for me a titch more? I can follow that asking for what you need implies that you aren't getting it already, but how do you get from there to a statement about being grateful?

Followup question: How many times are you not getting yeses because you're avoiding a no? Does it seem like putting off making requests until it's really important to be told yes make it more stressful to ask, and thus more likely that you'll take no poorly?

brian1789 January 3 2010, 15:35:43 UTC

I sympathize strongly with #1 and #2... I feel like if I hear "no" then I've failed and stepped on the other person's boundaries, and that that's shameful. And in my embarrassment, I often then retreat and turn away from that person.

So rather than suffer that, I often won't ask for what I need, giving up the possibility of "yes"es rather than having to cope with hearing "no".

savorie January 3 2010, 16:37:08 UTC

I sympathize strongly with #1 and #2... I feel like if I hear "no" then I've failed and stepped on the other person's boundaries, and that that's shameful. And in my embarrassment, I often then retreat and turn away from that person.

That is exactly me. Shame and embarrassment and retreat.

brian1789 January 4 2010, 16:20:13 UTC

It probably also means that you only ask for things you feel you really, really need, strongly enough to be worth risking the shame and embarrassment of hearing a "no"? At least that's what I often do myself.

The downside of this is that having a core or burning need then denied can lead to resentment or anger. And so I've had others say, only partially in jest, "Jay, you don't make requests, you either make demands or else nothing at all."