Everybody hurts - Chapter 1
Title: Everybody hurts - Chapter 1: Hard punch
Author: Miles Sinnerman
E-Mail: milessinnerman@gmail.com
Date Finished: Sometime this year
Rating: NC-17
Words: 3560
Keywords: slash, Jack/Sawyer, Clementine, Cassidy
Spoilers: Season 3
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. They own me, body and soul :P
Author's note: I’ve been thinking about this for so long! First of all I want to say to all of you alliecat8, diandrahollman, elise_509, eponine119, foxxcub, gemjam, haldoor_honey, halfdutch, hopelessfangirl, janie_tangerine, siluria, sylaire87, toestastegood, uberaeryn, xenasoul, zelda_zee, zenana7 I know I’m leaving someone behind, I’m sorry! To all of you, thank you, because I read everything you write and I love it.
It’s obvious that fanfic, specially slash, means a lot to us and you do it with so much love and dedication that it’s compelling.
I also want to say I’m sorry because English it’s not my first language so I know I write and probably talk weird. Most of the time I think in Spanish so I have all my ideas upside-down.
This is my first post ever! Even in my own language and I can’t believe I’m nervous. It’s silly I know! But I am.
Enough of this prologue. I said my thanks and excused myself, so this is it!
I want to tell a story, it’s a little late I know, Lost finished so long ago! *tears* but every time I read all of you this story keep coming to my mind so I tried to write it. Hope you like it or hate it and tell me so.
Chapter 1: Hard punch
Dad died last week. He couldn’t be alone anymore. He missed him so much and wanted to be with him again. I understand.
Daddy died a few months ago. When it happened I looked at dad and knew right there he wouldn’t be around much longer. I thought he looked at me trying to apologize for what it was going to come and I tried to tell him it was all right.
They gave me and my brothers the dreamed life and made us feel loved every day. I can assure they had a beautiful life together, but it wasn’t always like this. They had a harsh beginning but fought for their love and for us every time. They taught me that pretty well.
I remember how they looked at each other. The little wrinkles forming at the side of their eyes as they smiled. They didn’t need words.
Every time they told me their story I just couldn’t believe it. The past they shared so completely different from the life they had. Daddy travelled a lot. His books made him famous, more than he already was for surviving the crash. So I happened to share a great deal of time with dad. I loved it. He told me every story they shared with so many details, every one of them burnt in my brain. I always said to myself I’ll write them for me, for my kids, for everyone who wanted to know their story.
I’m not a great writer as my daddy was, but I hope to transmit their love as they did it with me. I hope this help me not to miss them as much as I do right now.
//
It’s been a few months since the rest were rescued. Jack was so thrilled knowing Sawyer was rescued as well. He had been taking care of my mum and me as he had promised to him. When Sawyer arrived he claimed his territory and said to Jack he could take it from there. Jack felt rejected and hurt and so, he disappeared.
It’d been so long. He felt it. He counted every day, hour, minute and second that had passed without him. He wondered why too. Was it his own self punishment? If that was the case, why he needed to be punished for? Thing is, he knew why. So he suffered alone and was grateful for that. He deserved to be alone for being such a pussy, as he said to himself so many times.
Slowly things went back to normal. He acknowledged that normal wasn’t good enough, wasn’t good at all. But still he waited to see if the pain went away. As it didn’t, he cried in fetal position on his couch.
Like that, two years had passed. Enough of this shit, he deserved better. He could fix it.
He went out looking for him. The reason for everything. The reason to breathe every fucking time. The hope. His body ached for him. Simply as that. So he listened to his body for the first time in a long time, instead of his head that only seemed to know shit.
//
He watches him from a certain distance and hates that he seems happy.
What’s the plan? He hasn’t got any. Just show up and see how it goes. So stupid. Now what? He’s right there. Do something.
He waits to be sure he’s alone. It’s a warm day like those on the island and the sun goes away. The shadows in the street become larger and darker by the second. He delivers what to do but finds himself ringing the bell. The door opens and he is right there in front of him after all this time.
“Hey!” He says casually.
“Well, shut my mouth! Doc? What the fuck...?” He smiles happily.
“Hi Sawyer!” Jack stands still looking at him foolishly.
“C’mon in.” he slowly moves his head downward as a sign of going inside. They hug forcefully but Sawyer ends it quickly patting him strongly on the shoulder. Jack feels a rollercoaster of feelings, Sawyer’s body finally around him and abruptly the cold of abandon. He feels dizzy like he’s going to fall. He shuts his eyes tightly and shakes his head quickly but Sawyer doesn’t feel anything awkward.
Jack enters looking rapidly through everything. Everything is changed. Toys everywhere. Messy.
“Want somethin’ to drink?” He offers. He’s happy to see Jack. It’s been so long. He missed him, even though he never did anything about it.
“Eh… sure, anything you got.” His mouth is dry. He’s frozen and feels suddenly so out place. He feels sick and wants to get out of there. He stares at a beautiful picture of Sawyer with his daughter, both of them laughing showing their dimples. She’s his all right.
“Beer’s ok?” Sawyer shouts from the kitchen as he takes two from the freezer and heads to the backyard knowing Jack will follow.
Jack is glad they went outside. He needs to breathe. He grabs the beer that Sawyer is offering and watches their hands almost touching and then directly into the other man’s eyes. Sawyer seems easy and very intrigued with Jack’s presence.
“So… what brings ya to fuckin’ ol’ Tennessee?” He asks sitting in a sun chair throwing his head a little bit to the left as he smiles.
“Um... to be honest, you” All of the sudden he’s tired of hiding his feelings.
“Me huh? You like to explain me that a lit bit more?” He demands threatening with his look.
“Well actually I needed to talk to you about something.” Jack answers buying time to think what to say next after burying himself to his nose.
“What is it, doc? Why are you so mysterious?” He watches the sadness in Jack’s eyes as he notices Clementine´s toys in the corner.
“She loves that purple horse” says Sawyer.
“Who?” Jack’s mind had gone far away.
“Who you think who? My daughter!” Sawyer frowns.
“Clementine” Jack remembers when Sawyer had asked him to take care of his daughter. Back then they never thought they would rescue all of them. It’s hurtful for Jack to think about Sawyer’s daughter, it’s the solid proof that they can’t be together. Clementine, Cassidy and Sawyer. That’s the family, there’s no room for Jack. What was he thinking?
“You got that right. By the way, I never thanked you for doin’ everythin’ as you promised.” He assures him.
“It’s ok. I’m glad you were here soon enough to take care of it yourself, though.” Jack says relieved.
“You keep doctorin’?” Sawyer asks changing the topic.
“In LA, yeah. Everything is back to normal now.” Normal, thought to himself, what a laugh!
“Glad to hear it. So doc, what did ya wanna talk about?” He inquires getting tired of the small talk.
“I was afraid we get back to that…” he takes a sip from the bottle and wets his lips. “Do you miss the island?”
Sawyer is really surprised by the question. He thought about it from time to time, but his daughter steals most of his time now. He is completely absorbed by her. To his eyes, she is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He was afraid at first, knowing she wouldn’t recognize him, but she surprised him from the very beginning. She smiled to him showing her own set of dimples and her beautiful green eyes and melted him right there.
“Miss it? Not really. I’ve got a good thing goin’ on for me now. Maybe for the first time in my life.” He isn’t sure why he said that.
“Are you happy then?” Jack asks blatantly.
“Happy? I… don’t know. Bein’ a father is a strange thing, you know? I enjoy gettin’ to know her every day and bein’ with her it’s amazin’ but at the same time it kills me to know that I can’t keep her safe from the world. Seriously? I ain’t sure I’ll ever be happy again.” He answers while he keeps thinking about what he just said out loud.
“Wow, you’re committed. That’s great! ” He finishes his beer and stands up. “I’m not sure why I came here Sawyer, I think I’ll better go now.”
“What?” He asks confused and stands up as well.
“I’m sorry I bothered you. Really am. I let you to your things. I’m sure you like to enjoy your time when you get to be alone. I let you to it” He says simply with a lame smile.
“What is it Jack? Tell me. It’s OK” He assures him.
“Nothing really. I’ve been missing the island. That’s all and I was wondering what all of you think about it” He lies.
“All of us? What, are you on a tour or somethin’? Goin’ from place to place askin’ us questions?” He suddenly feels angry.
“Something like that, yeah.”
“That’s stupid.” He doesn’t know what to think about anything anymore. He tries to soften his attitude. “So what? You’ve seen Kate? How is she?”
“I haven’t seen anyone else yet.”
Sawyer doesn’t buy it. He travelled all the way from LA without seeing anyone else, it doesn’t fit. “So after this, where to?” He questions.
“I don’t know Sawyer, I’m still figuring it out.” He doesn’t know how to keep up the lie.
“You got somewhere to crash? I mean you check in a hotel or somethin’?”
“No. I haven’t planned staying either.”
“You can sleep here if you want. We got a spare room. Cassidy and Clementine are comin’ in any time. They won’t mind at all.” He doesn´t know why he offered that. He doesn’t want Jack to leave yet.
“Thanks, but I should get going really.”
Immediately after, they hear the door opening. A little girl coming through runs quickly towards his dad. “Daddy!” Clementine shouts with joy.
“Hey there Sunshine, come here for a hug.” She splashes herself to her dad and climbs him like a monkey. He helps her and picks her up.
“Baby girl, this is my friend Jack. Say hello to him.” Sawyer instructs her.
“Hello Jack!” Says Clementine as she waves her hand awkwardly.
“Hello!” Jack grabs her hand and smiles. In response she shyly put her head in Sawyer’s neck.
Cassidy comes in following her daughter. “Oh! Hi Jack! What a nice surprise!”
“Hello Cassidy, how are you?” Jack responses politely.
“Been better.” Jack looks at Sawyer and then at Cassidy. An awkward silent surround them all.
“Um… Cas I was tellin’ Jack he can stay here tonight.”
“Sure thing.” She answers quickly. “It’s nice to have you here Jack, feel at home.”
“Thanks, but I’m not staying.”
“Come on, don’t be silly, we have the spare room for something, don’t you think? Besides you look like you need some rest.” She is kind enough for Jack.
“Ok, thank you.”
“Great. Come on Clemen lets leave your dad and friend alone, I’m sure they have a lot to catch up” She spreads her arms to her daughter so she climbs to her, but Clementine wants to stay with his dad.
“It’s ok I got her. Jack doesn’t mind.” Sawyer assures her.
“Well in that case I’m gonna take a shower” and saying that she leaves them in the yard.
When they were sure she was gone, Jack dares to ask Sawyer “How are things with her?”
“Daddy and mummy get on very well, don’t we Clem?” He answers Jack speaking straight to his daughter. Great, ask him this kind of question in front of her three years old daughter. Clever.
She nods shyly and fights to get down. Taking the hint, Sawyer puts her down and she runs to her purple pony and hugs it.
“She really loves it” Jack comments. He looks at Sawyer, how his eyes bright when he sees his daughter. He loves him right now. “You’re a changed man.”
“A family guy, huh? Who’d have said that?” He smiles. They go silent again, but this time it was a comforting silence.
Jack gets to look at Sawyer who’s lost in his own train of thought. Sawyer knows he’s been stared at but he’s too focus in his bad luck that he doesn’t care a bit.
“She is dyin’.” Sawyer says out of nowhere.
“What? Who’s dying?” Asks cautiously.
“Cassidy.”
“I saw her pretty well. What’s the problem?”
“Cancer. Terminal”
“Oh! Jesus James!” Why did he say his name? What is that? Pity?
“Don’t pity me doc!”
“It’s not pity! I’m really sorry. How are you holding up?”
And there he was, thinking he has no chance at all. Why he is so glad? He feels like an awful person right now.
“Just takin’ one day at a time. This sucks, you know?”
Jack wants to hug him and hold him so much, but doesn’t know how to approach him without scaring him. With not much thought about it, he just does it.
He embraces Sawyer tenderly. Sawyer lets him a few seconds and then pats him. “I’ll be fine Jack, don’t you worry ‘bout me”
Jack had been waiting for that hug for so many years. He has tears in his eyes and quickly looks away.
“Hey Clem, come here babe” she obeys rapidly. “While mummy finishes her bath, let’s see what we can make for dinner, ok?”
“Yey!” she yells. She loves cooking with his father. She always grabs all the stuff her father asks for and looks carefully when he cooks. He sometimes lets her put her hands to work, when there’s no need for knives or sharpen stuff.
He smiles at her, happy to know he has such a devoted helper. Jack follows them, slowly feeling at home.
“What can I do to help?” He asks.
Sawyer looks at Clementine. This is their thing. So it is important that if Sawyer lets Jack play, Clementine agrees to that.
“Um I don’t know Jack, Clem and I always do the entire job.” He says seriously. “Don’t we?” Clementine nods. “But what do you say we let him help us this time, huh?”
“Ok daddy” Clementine responses with a smile.
Jack is glad they let him be part of that.
It looks like Sawyer has been doing all the house chores for quite a long time now, Jack can tell from the movements that he makes. He has built a habit of every move even though he’s not aware of it. He also seems to have a personal code with his daughter. They look at each other and communicate without words.
They made pasta and it was delicious. Sawyer put Clementine to bed and Cassidy excused herself wanting to go to bed as well. She looked very tired.
Jack feels bad for his sudden intrusion into a family that has been having trouble of their own.
“I’m sorry Sawyer, for coming here like this. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.”
“What? You didn’t know Jack. It’s OK” They remain in silence for a while. “You want me to show ya the room? Wanna take a shower or somethin’?”
“Yeah I need a shower, I smell” He responses pulling his shirt back and forward with his thumb and index finger.
Sawyer shows him everything he needed to know. All the shower tricks and where the towels were. Jack nods every time without listening to a word he said, he just hears that southern drawl he loves so much and watches his beautiful lips move.
Jack busies himself with the shower and all, as Sawyer takes a book from the coffee table and sits on the couch. He continues where he left it waiting for Jack to finish but he’s not able to concentrate in any word, he just looks at the letters there. Meanwhile Jack thinks about everything that just happened, he doesn’t know what to do next. He wants to tell Sawyer everything but the timing can’t be worst.
He imagines Sawyer’s body around him under the same water, Sawyer’s lips kissing his neck and biting slowly his earlobe. He starts touching himself picturing Sawyer entering him eagerly and tries not to make a sound. He comes quickly and looks at the come draining away. He feels totally pathetic.
He finishes his shower, puts some boxers and a shirt and goes to look for Sawyer.
“Hey”
“Everythin’s ok?” Sawyer asks.
“Perfect, thanks” Jack sits near him. Sawyer keeps reading a little more and then energetically closes the book looking at him.
“Sawyer, I wanted to tell you that I’m here for you, for anything you need. If you want I can make an appointment for Cassidy with the best oncologist I know in LA. Maybe there’s still something to be done. Or if you need help with Clementine I can give you a hand with her. I’m not experienced with children but I’m resourceful.” He explains quietly.
“Well, look at that! Ain’t that the berries! All friendly all of the sudden. Look, we’ve seen hundreds of doctors, they all told us the same, there’s no turnin’ back. As far as Clementine is concerned I can take care of her all by myself. Thank you very much.” He says angrily.
“I know you can! You’re doing a great job I have no doubt about it. I’m not saying you can’t do it I’m just offering my help if you need it. That’s all.”
“Well thanks but no thanks. You have your own issues to take care of. ‘Sides who are you to tell me if I’m doin’ a great job or not! You don’t know shit. ”
Jack puts a hand on Sawyer’s knee very afraid of doing so.
“I know I went MIA. I know you are not willing to trust me yet, but all I want you to know is that I care about you, ok? I can help you” Jack says watching Sawyer directly in his eyes.
“After all we’ve been through on that fuckin’ island you disappeared and after all this time you come here like nothin’ happened, expect me to trust ya and tell me I can count on ya? You’re fuckin’ nuts!”
Jack slowly removes his hand from his previous position and remains quiet like he has been grounded.
“I’m sorry James. I am. It’s been really hard for me. But I was being selfish, I know that now. Please James you gotta let me in. I want to help you.”
“Look doc, nothin’ happened between us, ok? I don’t know how you choose to remember what happened, but I’m tellin’ ya it was nothin’. The island made us vulnerable that’s all! I was havin’ a fever and couldn’t think straight. You wanted to kiss me, I allowed it. Big fuckin’ huge mistake. That’s it. I ain’t queer. I ain’t interested in ya and I ain’t goin’ to let ya in, in any way possible.”
“I don’t get it Sawyer, something happened o didn’t. So what is it?”
“Don’t fuck with me, doc. I don’t need this shit right now.” He warns him.
“You’re right.” Jack says thinking back remembering that kiss. “Silly me” He laughs. “I’m gonna go now. Tell Cassidy I’m sorry for going like this and give Clemmy a kiss for me”
Jack stands up, goes to his room, finishes dressing and grabs his things. When he comes to the living room, Sawyer is still in the same position he left him.
“Goodbye Sawyer. It was nice seeing you.” Sawyer stands up with the only purpose to open the door for Jack.
“Yeah you too. Bye doc” They look at each other one last time and that was it.
Jack grabs a taxi and goes directly to the airport. He is exhausted, confused and depressed. What was all that? That was fighting for him? Coward.
Author: Miles Sinnerman
E-Mail: milessinnerman@gmail.com
Date Finished: Sometime this year
Rating: NC-17
Words: 3560
Keywords: slash, Jack/Sawyer, Clementine, Cassidy
Spoilers: Season 3
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. They own me, body and soul :P
Author's note: I’ve been thinking about this for so long! First of all I want to say to all of you alliecat8, diandrahollman, elise_509, eponine119, foxxcub, gemjam, haldoor_honey, halfdutch, hopelessfangirl, janie_tangerine, siluria, sylaire87, toestastegood, uberaeryn, xenasoul, zelda_zee, zenana7 I know I’m leaving someone behind, I’m sorry! To all of you, thank you, because I read everything you write and I love it.
It’s obvious that fanfic, specially slash, means a lot to us and you do it with so much love and dedication that it’s compelling.
I also want to say I’m sorry because English it’s not my first language so I know I write and probably talk weird. Most of the time I think in Spanish so I have all my ideas upside-down.
This is my first post ever! Even in my own language and I can’t believe I’m nervous. It’s silly I know! But I am.
Enough of this prologue. I said my thanks and excused myself, so this is it!
I want to tell a story, it’s a little late I know, Lost finished so long ago! *tears* but every time I read all of you this story keep coming to my mind so I tried to write it. Hope you like it or hate it and tell me so.
Chapter 1: Hard punch
Dad died last week. He couldn’t be alone anymore. He missed him so much and wanted to be with him again. I understand.
Daddy died a few months ago. When it happened I looked at dad and knew right there he wouldn’t be around much longer. I thought he looked at me trying to apologize for what it was going to come and I tried to tell him it was all right.
They gave me and my brothers the dreamed life and made us feel loved every day. I can assure they had a beautiful life together, but it wasn’t always like this. They had a harsh beginning but fought for their love and for us every time. They taught me that pretty well.
I remember how they looked at each other. The little wrinkles forming at the side of their eyes as they smiled. They didn’t need words.
Every time they told me their story I just couldn’t believe it. The past they shared so completely different from the life they had. Daddy travelled a lot. His books made him famous, more than he already was for surviving the crash. So I happened to share a great deal of time with dad. I loved it. He told me every story they shared with so many details, every one of them burnt in my brain. I always said to myself I’ll write them for me, for my kids, for everyone who wanted to know their story.
I’m not a great writer as my daddy was, but I hope to transmit their love as they did it with me. I hope this help me not to miss them as much as I do right now.
//
It’s been a few months since the rest were rescued. Jack was so thrilled knowing Sawyer was rescued as well. He had been taking care of my mum and me as he had promised to him. When Sawyer arrived he claimed his territory and said to Jack he could take it from there. Jack felt rejected and hurt and so, he disappeared.
It’d been so long. He felt it. He counted every day, hour, minute and second that had passed without him. He wondered why too. Was it his own self punishment? If that was the case, why he needed to be punished for? Thing is, he knew why. So he suffered alone and was grateful for that. He deserved to be alone for being such a pussy, as he said to himself so many times.
Slowly things went back to normal. He acknowledged that normal wasn’t good enough, wasn’t good at all. But still he waited to see if the pain went away. As it didn’t, he cried in fetal position on his couch.
Like that, two years had passed. Enough of this shit, he deserved better. He could fix it.
He went out looking for him. The reason for everything. The reason to breathe every fucking time. The hope. His body ached for him. Simply as that. So he listened to his body for the first time in a long time, instead of his head that only seemed to know shit.
//
He watches him from a certain distance and hates that he seems happy.
What’s the plan? He hasn’t got any. Just show up and see how it goes. So stupid. Now what? He’s right there. Do something.
He waits to be sure he’s alone. It’s a warm day like those on the island and the sun goes away. The shadows in the street become larger and darker by the second. He delivers what to do but finds himself ringing the bell. The door opens and he is right there in front of him after all this time.
“Hey!” He says casually.
“Well, shut my mouth! Doc? What the fuck...?” He smiles happily.
“Hi Sawyer!” Jack stands still looking at him foolishly.
“C’mon in.” he slowly moves his head downward as a sign of going inside. They hug forcefully but Sawyer ends it quickly patting him strongly on the shoulder. Jack feels a rollercoaster of feelings, Sawyer’s body finally around him and abruptly the cold of abandon. He feels dizzy like he’s going to fall. He shuts his eyes tightly and shakes his head quickly but Sawyer doesn’t feel anything awkward.
Jack enters looking rapidly through everything. Everything is changed. Toys everywhere. Messy.
“Want somethin’ to drink?” He offers. He’s happy to see Jack. It’s been so long. He missed him, even though he never did anything about it.
“Eh… sure, anything you got.” His mouth is dry. He’s frozen and feels suddenly so out place. He feels sick and wants to get out of there. He stares at a beautiful picture of Sawyer with his daughter, both of them laughing showing their dimples. She’s his all right.
“Beer’s ok?” Sawyer shouts from the kitchen as he takes two from the freezer and heads to the backyard knowing Jack will follow.
Jack is glad they went outside. He needs to breathe. He grabs the beer that Sawyer is offering and watches their hands almost touching and then directly into the other man’s eyes. Sawyer seems easy and very intrigued with Jack’s presence.
“So… what brings ya to fuckin’ ol’ Tennessee?” He asks sitting in a sun chair throwing his head a little bit to the left as he smiles.
“Um... to be honest, you” All of the sudden he’s tired of hiding his feelings.
“Me huh? You like to explain me that a lit bit more?” He demands threatening with his look.
“Well actually I needed to talk to you about something.” Jack answers buying time to think what to say next after burying himself to his nose.
“What is it, doc? Why are you so mysterious?” He watches the sadness in Jack’s eyes as he notices Clementine´s toys in the corner.
“She loves that purple horse” says Sawyer.
“Who?” Jack’s mind had gone far away.
“Who you think who? My daughter!” Sawyer frowns.
“Clementine” Jack remembers when Sawyer had asked him to take care of his daughter. Back then they never thought they would rescue all of them. It’s hurtful for Jack to think about Sawyer’s daughter, it’s the solid proof that they can’t be together. Clementine, Cassidy and Sawyer. That’s the family, there’s no room for Jack. What was he thinking?
“You got that right. By the way, I never thanked you for doin’ everythin’ as you promised.” He assures him.
“It’s ok. I’m glad you were here soon enough to take care of it yourself, though.” Jack says relieved.
“You keep doctorin’?” Sawyer asks changing the topic.
“In LA, yeah. Everything is back to normal now.” Normal, thought to himself, what a laugh!
“Glad to hear it. So doc, what did ya wanna talk about?” He inquires getting tired of the small talk.
“I was afraid we get back to that…” he takes a sip from the bottle and wets his lips. “Do you miss the island?”
Sawyer is really surprised by the question. He thought about it from time to time, but his daughter steals most of his time now. He is completely absorbed by her. To his eyes, she is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He was afraid at first, knowing she wouldn’t recognize him, but she surprised him from the very beginning. She smiled to him showing her own set of dimples and her beautiful green eyes and melted him right there.
“Miss it? Not really. I’ve got a good thing goin’ on for me now. Maybe for the first time in my life.” He isn’t sure why he said that.
“Are you happy then?” Jack asks blatantly.
“Happy? I… don’t know. Bein’ a father is a strange thing, you know? I enjoy gettin’ to know her every day and bein’ with her it’s amazin’ but at the same time it kills me to know that I can’t keep her safe from the world. Seriously? I ain’t sure I’ll ever be happy again.” He answers while he keeps thinking about what he just said out loud.
“Wow, you’re committed. That’s great! ” He finishes his beer and stands up. “I’m not sure why I came here Sawyer, I think I’ll better go now.”
“What?” He asks confused and stands up as well.
“I’m sorry I bothered you. Really am. I let you to your things. I’m sure you like to enjoy your time when you get to be alone. I let you to it” He says simply with a lame smile.
“What is it Jack? Tell me. It’s OK” He assures him.
“Nothing really. I’ve been missing the island. That’s all and I was wondering what all of you think about it” He lies.
“All of us? What, are you on a tour or somethin’? Goin’ from place to place askin’ us questions?” He suddenly feels angry.
“Something like that, yeah.”
“That’s stupid.” He doesn’t know what to think about anything anymore. He tries to soften his attitude. “So what? You’ve seen Kate? How is she?”
“I haven’t seen anyone else yet.”
Sawyer doesn’t buy it. He travelled all the way from LA without seeing anyone else, it doesn’t fit. “So after this, where to?” He questions.
“I don’t know Sawyer, I’m still figuring it out.” He doesn’t know how to keep up the lie.
“You got somewhere to crash? I mean you check in a hotel or somethin’?”
“No. I haven’t planned staying either.”
“You can sleep here if you want. We got a spare room. Cassidy and Clementine are comin’ in any time. They won’t mind at all.” He doesn´t know why he offered that. He doesn’t want Jack to leave yet.
“Thanks, but I should get going really.”
Immediately after, they hear the door opening. A little girl coming through runs quickly towards his dad. “Daddy!” Clementine shouts with joy.
“Hey there Sunshine, come here for a hug.” She splashes herself to her dad and climbs him like a monkey. He helps her and picks her up.
“Baby girl, this is my friend Jack. Say hello to him.” Sawyer instructs her.
“Hello Jack!” Says Clementine as she waves her hand awkwardly.
“Hello!” Jack grabs her hand and smiles. In response she shyly put her head in Sawyer’s neck.
Cassidy comes in following her daughter. “Oh! Hi Jack! What a nice surprise!”
“Hello Cassidy, how are you?” Jack responses politely.
“Been better.” Jack looks at Sawyer and then at Cassidy. An awkward silent surround them all.
“Um… Cas I was tellin’ Jack he can stay here tonight.”
“Sure thing.” She answers quickly. “It’s nice to have you here Jack, feel at home.”
“Thanks, but I’m not staying.”
“Come on, don’t be silly, we have the spare room for something, don’t you think? Besides you look like you need some rest.” She is kind enough for Jack.
“Ok, thank you.”
“Great. Come on Clemen lets leave your dad and friend alone, I’m sure they have a lot to catch up” She spreads her arms to her daughter so she climbs to her, but Clementine wants to stay with his dad.
“It’s ok I got her. Jack doesn’t mind.” Sawyer assures her.
“Well in that case I’m gonna take a shower” and saying that she leaves them in the yard.
When they were sure she was gone, Jack dares to ask Sawyer “How are things with her?”
“Daddy and mummy get on very well, don’t we Clem?” He answers Jack speaking straight to his daughter. Great, ask him this kind of question in front of her three years old daughter. Clever.
She nods shyly and fights to get down. Taking the hint, Sawyer puts her down and she runs to her purple pony and hugs it.
“She really loves it” Jack comments. He looks at Sawyer, how his eyes bright when he sees his daughter. He loves him right now. “You’re a changed man.”
“A family guy, huh? Who’d have said that?” He smiles. They go silent again, but this time it was a comforting silence.
Jack gets to look at Sawyer who’s lost in his own train of thought. Sawyer knows he’s been stared at but he’s too focus in his bad luck that he doesn’t care a bit.
“She is dyin’.” Sawyer says out of nowhere.
“What? Who’s dying?” Asks cautiously.
“Cassidy.”
“I saw her pretty well. What’s the problem?”
“Cancer. Terminal”
“Oh! Jesus James!” Why did he say his name? What is that? Pity?
“Don’t pity me doc!”
“It’s not pity! I’m really sorry. How are you holding up?”
And there he was, thinking he has no chance at all. Why he is so glad? He feels like an awful person right now.
“Just takin’ one day at a time. This sucks, you know?”
Jack wants to hug him and hold him so much, but doesn’t know how to approach him without scaring him. With not much thought about it, he just does it.
He embraces Sawyer tenderly. Sawyer lets him a few seconds and then pats him. “I’ll be fine Jack, don’t you worry ‘bout me”
Jack had been waiting for that hug for so many years. He has tears in his eyes and quickly looks away.
“Hey Clem, come here babe” she obeys rapidly. “While mummy finishes her bath, let’s see what we can make for dinner, ok?”
“Yey!” she yells. She loves cooking with his father. She always grabs all the stuff her father asks for and looks carefully when he cooks. He sometimes lets her put her hands to work, when there’s no need for knives or sharpen stuff.
He smiles at her, happy to know he has such a devoted helper. Jack follows them, slowly feeling at home.
“What can I do to help?” He asks.
Sawyer looks at Clementine. This is their thing. So it is important that if Sawyer lets Jack play, Clementine agrees to that.
“Um I don’t know Jack, Clem and I always do the entire job.” He says seriously. “Don’t we?” Clementine nods. “But what do you say we let him help us this time, huh?”
“Ok daddy” Clementine responses with a smile.
Jack is glad they let him be part of that.
It looks like Sawyer has been doing all the house chores for quite a long time now, Jack can tell from the movements that he makes. He has built a habit of every move even though he’s not aware of it. He also seems to have a personal code with his daughter. They look at each other and communicate without words.
They made pasta and it was delicious. Sawyer put Clementine to bed and Cassidy excused herself wanting to go to bed as well. She looked very tired.
Jack feels bad for his sudden intrusion into a family that has been having trouble of their own.
“I’m sorry Sawyer, for coming here like this. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.”
“What? You didn’t know Jack. It’s OK” They remain in silence for a while. “You want me to show ya the room? Wanna take a shower or somethin’?”
“Yeah I need a shower, I smell” He responses pulling his shirt back and forward with his thumb and index finger.
Sawyer shows him everything he needed to know. All the shower tricks and where the towels were. Jack nods every time without listening to a word he said, he just hears that southern drawl he loves so much and watches his beautiful lips move.
Jack busies himself with the shower and all, as Sawyer takes a book from the coffee table and sits on the couch. He continues where he left it waiting for Jack to finish but he’s not able to concentrate in any word, he just looks at the letters there. Meanwhile Jack thinks about everything that just happened, he doesn’t know what to do next. He wants to tell Sawyer everything but the timing can’t be worst.
He imagines Sawyer’s body around him under the same water, Sawyer’s lips kissing his neck and biting slowly his earlobe. He starts touching himself picturing Sawyer entering him eagerly and tries not to make a sound. He comes quickly and looks at the come draining away. He feels totally pathetic.
He finishes his shower, puts some boxers and a shirt and goes to look for Sawyer.
“Hey”
“Everythin’s ok?” Sawyer asks.
“Perfect, thanks” Jack sits near him. Sawyer keeps reading a little more and then energetically closes the book looking at him.
“Sawyer, I wanted to tell you that I’m here for you, for anything you need. If you want I can make an appointment for Cassidy with the best oncologist I know in LA. Maybe there’s still something to be done. Or if you need help with Clementine I can give you a hand with her. I’m not experienced with children but I’m resourceful.” He explains quietly.
“Well, look at that! Ain’t that the berries! All friendly all of the sudden. Look, we’ve seen hundreds of doctors, they all told us the same, there’s no turnin’ back. As far as Clementine is concerned I can take care of her all by myself. Thank you very much.” He says angrily.
“I know you can! You’re doing a great job I have no doubt about it. I’m not saying you can’t do it I’m just offering my help if you need it. That’s all.”
“Well thanks but no thanks. You have your own issues to take care of. ‘Sides who are you to tell me if I’m doin’ a great job or not! You don’t know shit. ”
Jack puts a hand on Sawyer’s knee very afraid of doing so.
“I know I went MIA. I know you are not willing to trust me yet, but all I want you to know is that I care about you, ok? I can help you” Jack says watching Sawyer directly in his eyes.
“After all we’ve been through on that fuckin’ island you disappeared and after all this time you come here like nothin’ happened, expect me to trust ya and tell me I can count on ya? You’re fuckin’ nuts!”
Jack slowly removes his hand from his previous position and remains quiet like he has been grounded.
“I’m sorry James. I am. It’s been really hard for me. But I was being selfish, I know that now. Please James you gotta let me in. I want to help you.”
“Look doc, nothin’ happened between us, ok? I don’t know how you choose to remember what happened, but I’m tellin’ ya it was nothin’. The island made us vulnerable that’s all! I was havin’ a fever and couldn’t think straight. You wanted to kiss me, I allowed it. Big fuckin’ huge mistake. That’s it. I ain’t queer. I ain’t interested in ya and I ain’t goin’ to let ya in, in any way possible.”
“I don’t get it Sawyer, something happened o didn’t. So what is it?”
“Don’t fuck with me, doc. I don’t need this shit right now.” He warns him.
“You’re right.” Jack says thinking back remembering that kiss. “Silly me” He laughs. “I’m gonna go now. Tell Cassidy I’m sorry for going like this and give Clemmy a kiss for me”
Jack stands up, goes to his room, finishes dressing and grabs his things. When he comes to the living room, Sawyer is still in the same position he left him.
“Goodbye Sawyer. It was nice seeing you.” Sawyer stands up with the only purpose to open the door for Jack.
“Yeah you too. Bye doc” They look at each other one last time and that was it.
Jack grabs a taxi and goes directly to the airport. He is exhausted, confused and depressed. What was all that? That was fighting for him? Coward.