The Other Side of Solitude - [Oneshot]
Title: The Other Side of Solitude
Length: Oneshot (approx 4,500 words)
Author: sayhell
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kyuwook
Genre: Angst
Summary: After years of travelling alone, Kyuhyun was finally ready to tame the free-spirited traveller in him for Ryeowook’s sake. However it was a tad too late.
It was a particularly violent turbulence that shook Kyuhyun from his short-lived sleep. A groan bubbled at the back of his throat when he referred to his watch. It was barely thirty minutes since he had closed his eyes, and barely fifteen since he had finally wrenched free of his consciousness and escaped into a haven reality was not able to provide.
His entire being seemed to be racked with pain. Nasty little creatures clawed at his temples, drumming up a migraine. His feet were numb and swollen from the long flight. But the greatest pain came from the left side of his chest, pounding along with the rhythm of his heart. He leaned back in his seat and rubbed his forehead, wondering if being in pain was his atonement.
As an air stewardess strode down his side of the aisle, he considered requesting for painkillers. His hand was barely raised when a distant voice of reproach rang in his mind. He dropped his hand, using it instead to rummage through his bag and retrieve his iPod. He lodged the earpieces in place and played the track that had been on loop for the past seven days.
He closed his eyes and let the voice fill his senses. It spoke of the words he had long memorized, doubling the resident pain in his chest. Five minutes later, the voice bid a goodbye that meant forever and like all the previous times, he felt a terrifying emptiness that nothing could fill. He played the track again, setting it on repeat mode. He would hurt all over again, but it was only in this hurt could he feel closest to the owner of the voice.
Eighth time into the track, an announcement of arrival interrupted and lights filled the cabin. The methodical voiceover reminded them to fasten their seatbelts. He pushed the window back up and noted that it was daytime on this side of the hemisphere. When he cast his eyes downwards, the top view of the island took his breath away.
The jagged coastline of Santorini cut into the wide ocean, resembling an oddly-shaped fossil hugged by a cloth of differentially shaded azure. White flags - vessels - were desultorily scattered around the Greek island. As the plane dipped upon the island, he could even make out the blue domed roofs that the churches have preened themselves on.
The revelation of the island’s beauty continued after he had exited the rustic airport. He stood in front of the airport for a long time, his eyes following the never ending terrain line imprinted against the clear sky.
“Ryeowook-ah, I’m here already.” He tilted his head to the summer sun, allowing the rays to blind him momentarily.
He waited for the adrenaline and freedom of travelling in a new country to embrace him. But instead, all he could feel was a nagging loss that told him that this trip had been long overdue.
::::::::::
Kyuhyun loved to travel alone. He would take off at least twice a year, gladly spending every cent he had accrued from the temporary odd jobs on his trips. He would journey from landmark to landmark, processing the unique cultures of countries at his own pace. The unencumbered nature of a solo travel was a drug that mollified the free-spirited adventurer in him.
Even being in a relationship with Ryeowook had never changed this hobby of his.
They were diametric opposites when it came to their idea of a perfect travel. To Ryeowook, travelling was an activity to be done in the company of others, an opportunity to unravel personalities and fortify relationships. However, despite them being in a relationship, he had never forced Kyuhyun to adopt this quixotic perspective of his.
“Travelling with someone you love isn’t a simple travel anymore. It runs deeper than that,” the dreamer in Ryeowook had once said. “It questions bonds, but it also redefines them. And there’s always something whimsical about lovers leaving their marks on the globe, in pairs. Speaking of which, when are we going to travel together?”
Kyuhyun had vaguely remembered promising Ryeowook that they would someday, when he was ready to compromise his freedom and tether himself to another person. But before that, he would continue to travel alone, and Ryeowook would continue to wait.
The pact resurfaced from the forgotten depths of his mind one night when he was in France. He was back in his motel room, listlessly rearranging the contents in his laptop when he noticed something common in the photos he had taken during this trip.
All of the people he had inadvertently captured came in pairs. From the young couple overlooking the Seine River, to the elderly husband and wife strolling in Jardin du Luxemborg, love brimmed and overflowed in every corner of this country. Panic nipped at him when he realized how sharply his solitude was contrasted. He set down the cup of wine he had been sipping on, its aftertaste suddenly too bitter for him.
Ensnared by loneliness, he felt a sudden longing for Ryeowook. If he had allowed Ryeowook on his travels, they could have shared that oversized platter in Madrid, could have bought the boat tickets at a cheaper price in Venice, and could have tossed their coins for the same wish in Rome. And he would have someone to cuddle with right now.
Maybe it was finally time to tame the carefree traveler in him and settle himself in a constant companionship, he thought. Maybe Ryeowook should stop being the person he missed whenever he was alone in a foreign place and start being the person beside him in all of his travels.
On impulse, he bought the plane tickets for the first flight out of this country. The anticipation of seeing Ryeowook again dispelled the heavy cloud hovering above him, transforming his face with a smile.
He logged into his mail, about to send an email to inform Ryeowook of his return when he decided against it. He propped his chin on his knuckle, a soft chuckle spilling from his lips as he envisioned the surprise he would catch Ryeowook in.
“Never knew that I could miss you this much,” he sighed through a helpless smile. And I think you’ve reshuffled all the priorities in my life.
He checked his inbox and noted with disappointment that there was no new mail from Ryeowook. The last one he had received was five days back. He pondered a little over the delay in frequency before shrugging his doubts off. Perhaps Ryeowook had been busy.
He read through all the mails, both recent and archived, Ryeowook had sent him during the times they had been apart. Warmth stirred in his abdomen as he imagined Ryeowook’s voice speaking the words, burning away the last trace of his loneliness. Reminders of safety nagged through the body of every mail, concluded at the end by a shy sentence of ‘I miss you’.
Santorini was drawn forward from a forgotten field of his mind by a particular succession of mails in which scenic images of the island had been attached. He remembered the numerous times Ryeowook had expressed his desire to visit the island and each time, he had let it flit pass his mind without much thought. A light voice in his head jutted in, chiding him for the nonchalance he had shown to his lover’s wish.
Not anymore, he retaliated inwardly, silencing the voice before more regret could stack. The both of us will take off for Santorini right after I return, and then we’ll travel the world together. I’ll use all my time to make it up to him.
He would not let Ryeowook wait anymore. It might not be easy, but he was ready to conform himself to the responsibilities parceled together with the rewards of a lovers’ travel. All he needed now was for Ryeowook to say ‘yes’.
And that was why he headed straight to Ryeowook’s residence the moment his flight touched down in South Korea two mornings later. He texted Ryeowook and sat on the bench outside the lobby of Ryeowook’s apartment, his luggage chucked aside. He inhaled deeply, the promise of the cool summer morning diffusing through his lungs and bolstering his anticipation.
He stood up in delight when a pair of feet shuffled into his vision.
“Wookie -” his smile froze in awkwardness when he found himself face-to-face with Ryeowook’s elder sister instead. “Seonhee noona,” he greeted, quickly camouflaging his disappointment. “Is Ryeowook still asleep?”
She stared at him for a long moment, pursing her lips. He watched her, barely able to conceal his shock at her radical change. He could not reconcile the discrepancy between the woman he had remembered and the woman he now saw. Wild strands had escaped from the loose bundle her hair had been pulled into. Tiny networks of red crawled the whites of her swollen eyes. The long cardigan she was wearing was unable to mask the amount of weight she had lost.
“Ryeowook…” she began, her neck stretched taut as she swallowed whatever emotions that was badgering her. “Ryeowook is…” she choked, unable to continue as tears filled her bloodshot eyes.
A sudden fear gripped Kyuhyun, prying apart the mist of bliss that had enveloped him up till this moment. His eyes fell on the accessory that dangled from the phone in her hand. The crystal giraffe, which he had bought for Ryeowook on his trip to Taiwan, shimmered under the morning light.
“Noona…” he started with dread, working his voice around the rock lodged in his throat. “What happened to Ryeowook? He never leaves his phone.”
What followed next was a trail of words that crushed everything beautiful he had envisioned for the both of them. He would always remember the pungent smell of death as he walked down the hospital corridor. He would always remember the overwhelming despair when he saw the emaciated boy on life support, his pale skin fading into the white sheets.
And he would always remember how his mouth had gone dry when he realized that, all of a sudden, there was no time left.
::::::::::
The last rays of the setting sun spilled into the room, casting a circle of light around the study desk in Ryeowook’s bedroom. The sky was a smear of colors - orange and purple - too warm for the chill that glassed the walls of Kyuhyun’s insides.
He reclined on the study chair, his fingers interlocked on his belly as his eyes roamed the room. The bedroom was a replica of the one in his memory: purple bed sheet pulled over a single-sized mattress; a cuddly bunny plushie flopped against a fluffy pillow; an oak piano parked against one wall; and a low shelf crammed with storybooks too juvenile for the age of their owner. The room smelled the same too, but he knew that the familiar scent would soon fade and he could only rely on his memory when that time came.
He straightened up to take a closer look at the contents of the desk. His fingers were padded with a powdery layer of dust when he ran a hand absentmindedly across the keyboard, reminding him that it had been too long since Ryeowook had come back.
Feeling a strange pull of intuition, he powered the computer on. A board affixed to the wall above the desk drew his attention as he waited for the computer to start up. The board was a collage of overlaying postcards held in place by magnets. The photo of Santorini, though fixed in the corner, stood in stark contrast among the sea of other postcards sent by him. In it, the pristine architectures of Santorini were outlined against a sky painted with varying shades of orange.
‘The sunrise that promises an eternity’, Ryeowook’s handwriting at the bottom of the photo read. At the end of the sentence, their names cuddled under a rough sketch of an umbrella. Kyuhyun felt a pang at the wistfulness of it all. If Kyuhyun had not understood Ryeowook’s persistence before, he understood it now.
“Shall we go to Santorini at the end of this year?”
“I’ll be going to Zurich. The ticket is already booked.”
“How about in January?”
“Not sure if I would be back by then.”
“Then - ”
“Why don’t you go with Dalma?”
“It can’t be with anybody else but you.”
“Someday, we would go together. Just not now.”
“Then when?”
“When I’m ready.”
He thought of the multiple times he could have said yes. If he hadn’t brushed off Ryeowook’s crestfallen face all too many times, then perhaps regret wouldn’t sit on his shoulder like a willful child, suffocating him.
He turned to the computer, gathering himself before he fell further apart. However the wallpaper burned his eyes, dealing him with a second blow. He had snapped the photo of the unknowing Ryeowook during one of their dates to the park. This could be the best moment he had ever captured, with the rays cooperating to accentuate the ethereal profile.
He blinked away, alarmed by how a moment so beautifully frozen could stab him. He clicked on the ‘computer’ icon and felt air return to him when the window popped out to obscure the wallpaper. He navigated through the carefully categorized contents. He was browsing through a folder entitled ‘Confidential’ when an audio track, ‘Kyuhyunnie’, grabbed his attention.
A sharp intake of breath was latched on by the desperate surprise that Ryeowook had left him something after all. He squared his shoulders, catching his bearings before he double-clicked on the file.
It started with nearly ten seconds of sibilant buzz and sounds of scratching. When Ryeowook’s voice poured out from the built-in speakers, he felt his eyes welling with a sudden gush of tears.
“Cho Kyuhyun! What business do you have nosing around in this folder? You should be thankful that I’m always magnanimous to forgive you. Aren’t I clever to plant this track right here? I know you can never keep your hands off my stuff.
But honestly, I wished that you would never have to find this track. I wished I could delete it after my recovery and pretend that I’ve been healthy all along. But now that you’re listening to this, things have probably derailed from what I’ve hoped.
Kyuhyun-ah, being in love with you is the best thing that has occurred in my life. I had never believed opposites could weld together so perfectly; but that was before I met you. It’s probably because you are someone whom I wished I could be like. You turn spontaneous desires in actions, while I let dreams stay as dreams. You’re always carefree, while I worry over every little thing. You’re always brave to travel alone, unlike me who needs the company of someone familiar in a foreign place.
Actually, on second thoughts, it may be better if you’re a little like me too. We could find joy in travelling together and - Ah, I shouldn’t be talking about this, should I? Not when I’m the fellow who couldn’t deliver his side of the pact. I just wished I wouldn’t have to go.
Don’t let what had happened to me change you, Kyuhyun. Continue to go the places I’ve never been too, continue to live like the carefree traveler that you’re. You’re the happiest only when you’re a free soul. And being happy is the best thing you can do for me. Yes, I love you this much. Saranghae, Kyuhyun-ah. Annyeong.”
Nuances in the recorded voice - the pauses, the sighs, and the quavers - continued to hum in his ears minutes after the track had concluded. He rubbed the heels of his palms against his burning eyes. Ryeowook had probably hoped otherwise, but the well-wishes had failed to sever that chains that kept him tethered to remorse.
The sky had darkened into a deep purple, consuming the room of light. He stared unblinkingly at the screen, wondering why he could not feel the pierce of the luminescent glare so sharply contrasted. He averted his eyes only when the door behind him opened, admitting the entrance of Seonhee noona.
He could only discern her silhouette as she moved toward him. When she turned on the study lamp, he noticed that she was still wearing the black dress from the funeral that afternoon. She offered him a feeble smile as she set a glass of water beside him.
“Why didn’t he tell me anything?” Kyuhyun asked suddenly. The thought that Ryeowook had been burying his pain under a smile killed him. “He could have told me, and I wouldn’t have left.”
“He didn’t want to stop you from what you love to do,” she whispered, tears overlaying her voice. She ran her fingertips over Ryeowook’s framed photo on the desk, poising them over the bright smile before turning away, pained. “He was very sick that day he sent you off at the airport. If you had paid a little more attention, you would have noticed.”
The montage of that day fledged in his mind: Ryeowook enveloping him in a hug so tight as if it was their last, Ryeowook waving at him with a sorrowful smile which he had jokingly thought was lugubrious, Ryeowook’s diffidence. In his excitement to visit France, he had overlooked all the hints Ryeowook had scattered for him to pick up.
He buried his face into his hands and his shoulders wobbled. “I failed him so much.”
“That’s what I thought too,” she said, but her tone was not accusing. “You’re a careless lover who is too caught up in your own freedom. I’ve said that to Wookie so many times; asked him to knock some sense into you even. But he didn’t want to. Do you know why?”
Kyuhyun looked up, searching her eyes for answers.
“He said that loving someone isn’t about expecting that person to change for your sake; it’s about accepting every single aspect of them, even their weaknesses. I’ve a silly brother.” She let out a chuckle, and when she did, a tear escaped down her cheek. She wiped it away hastily but he could see the cracks Ryeowook had left behind in his death.
“Only he’s foolish enough to love an unworthy person like me.” He looked at the glorious sunrise depicted in the photo of Santorini. “I just hoped that he had given me a chance to prove to bring him to the places he wanted to go.”
She followed his line of vision and smiled slightly. “That silly boy has been raving about Santorini to you, hasn’t he?”
Kyuhyun nodded, remembering the occasions where Ryeowook had cornered him travel guides on the Greek island. “He did the same to you?”
“He did,” she said, losing her smile as she slipped into another pool of memory. “But you know something? Going to Santorini wasn’t his greatest wish. He just wished that he had mattered enough for you to bring him along to wherever you had gone to.”
All the bridled tears tripped over the ledge of his eyes at her words. The tears scorched his skin, burning away the last of his control. He cried, silently. Painfully.
“He matters.” He managed. Salty tears slipped pass his lips.
“He would be so happy if he had heard it from you.” She was not unkind, but her allusion that his confession, though heartfelt, was too late was not uncaught by him. She squeezed his shoulder and turned to leave the room, abandoning him to repent in his own tears and regret.
::::::::::
When the night descended, orange lights spilling from the windows of the various households illuminated Santorini. Kyuhyun sat on the bench of his hostel’s balcony, the island’s picturesque beauty captivating him more than it did so in the day. An opened notebook lay in his lap and a map was carelessly draped on the arm of bench.
With little difficulty, he retracted his eyes from the night scenery and picked up the map. He perused the map, forcing his wandering mind to focus on the tiny landmarks jotted on it. He began to scribble his itinerary on the notebook but it was only minutes before his longing for his deceased lover deterred him. The scribbles transited into a sketch based heavily from his memory.
He looked at his completed drawing of Ryeowook, panicking when he realized that it was not the precise replica of the person that dwelled in his memory. Frustration mounted when no amount of tries could rectify the drawing. He sank back into the bench, suddenly fearful that Ryeowook would be effaced from his memory piecemeal.
He brushed a hand over the sketch, the lead staining his fingers. “I can’t even remember on which side of your nose you had a mole…” he mumbled. “What am I going to forget next?”
He dived into his recollection, feeling his heart bleed as he reviewed the times he had with Ryeowook over and over again. He would never allow himself to be stumped if people ever asked him to describe the man he was in love in.
“You’ve never told me that you kept a travel diary.” Kyuhyun snapped his head to the source of the voice, stiffening in disbelief when Ryeowook pouted at him from the other end of the bench, his legs swinging beneath him like a child. He stared for a long time, afraid that a single twitch of muscle would burst the bubble.
“Let me see it,” Ryeowook shifted to Kyuhyun’s side. A breeze ferried Ryeowook’s scent and Kyuhyun’s heart expanded with nostalgia. Tears burned the back of his eyes. “This is such an ugly sketch of me!” Ryeowook slapped Kyuhyun’s arm in mock haughtiness, but Kyuhyun did not feel the sting that he should.
“I know…” Kyuhyun replied, unable to tear his gaze away from Ryeowook. “I miss you so much, but at the same time, I seem to forget something about you with each passing day. What should I do?”
The smile on Ryeowook’s face fell away in degrees. He closed the notebook and met Kyuhyun’s eyes with his own sorrowful ones. “Just… let it be.”
“That’s easy for you to say, when you’re not the one who’s left behind,” Kyuhyun retorted, gripped by a sudden anger at Ryeowook’s words.
Ryeowook looked away, stung. “I never wanted to leave if I could have a say in this.”
Kyuhyun’s anger deflated at the hurt in Ryeowook’s voice. He pulled Ryeowook into an impetuous embrace, the solid pressure against his body nearly tricking him into believing that everything was real. “I didn’t mean what I’ve just said.” His lips rubbed against Ryeowook’s ear, the proximity nearly reducing him into a puddle of tears. “I love you so much.”
Ryeowook pulled back. “I’ve never doubted that, not even once.” He cupped a hand against the jaw line of Kyuhyun’s frazzled face. “But Kyuhyun, if you love somebody else in the future…” Ryeowook paused, closing his eyes to collect himself. “If you love somebody else in the future, never ever let the person feel that he or she is in a relationship with solitude.”
Kyuhyun’s heart clenched. His absence had subjected Ryeowook to a loneliness he had never noticed in his selfishness. “I can’t fall in love again,” he whispered, “not after all these.”
Ryeowook shook his head. “Don’t stop yourself because of me.” He pressed a hand against Kyuhyun’s chest, above the heart. “Just leave me a tiny bit of space here. Think of me once a week, or once a month. But not every day.”
“You can’t stop me.”
Ryeowook sighed. “You coming to Santorini for me is enough already.” He pulled Kyuhyun down, laying his head on his lap. He raked his fingers through Kyuhyun’s hair, soothing the man. “Don’t beat yourself up.”
“Don’t stop me from missing you, please,” Kyuhyun nearly begged. He turned, pressing his face against Ryeowook’s belly, muffling his voice. “It’s the only thing that keeps me going, the only way I could deceive myself that there is still someone waiting for me back at home.”
“I can never outtalk your stubbornness.” Ryeowook’s lips flattened into a line of helplessness, and Kyuhyun pretended that he didn’t hear. He tipped his head to the sky crowned by thousands of glittering stars.
“I think I can finally understand why Santorini attracts you.” Kyuhyun lifted a finger, connecting the stars into constellations. “It’s a pretty island.”
“Isn’t it?” Ryeowook worked his fingers on Kyuhyun’s temples, loosening the taut nerves beneath.
Kyuhyun yawned, feeling a sudden wave of sleepiness tiding over him at the comfort of Ryeowook’s deft fingers. “Wish you were here with me.” He rubbed his eyes, forcing them to stay open.
“Sleep,” Ryeowook pulled Kyuhyun’s hands away. “You’re tired.”
“Are you still going to be here when I wake up in the morning?” Kyuhyun stopped resisting the gravitation toward slumber land. “We can catch the sunrise together.”
“I wish we could.” Ryeowook could only smile sadly.
“Don’t want you to leave,” Kyuhyun mumbled, hanging on to his last vestige of consciousness.
“I don’t want to either.” Something sparkling fell from Ryeowook’s eyes. “But we all need to move on. You will find somebody else to love, and I’ll be watching over you from somewhere else.”
The next words that escaped from Kyuhyun’s mouth were an incoherent jumble, but before he could fix them, an unrelenting hand had thrust him into the realm of sleep.
::::::::::
Kyuhyun jolted awake. He sat up on the bench, scanning his surrounding frantically. The lights from the surrounding buildings had already been snuffed. Up in the sky, the stars had retreated back to their hiding places.
“Ryeowook?” The only reply he got was the howls of the strong wind. “Ryeowook?” He called again, more to remember how the name felt on his tongue this time round. What had happened could only be a dream, conjured from his unbridled yearning for the man.
He ran a hand across his eyes, drawing tears. “If you could really come back to me, I promise I wouldn’t make you wait for anything anymore,” he mumbled in a useless bargain.
He collected his belongs and rose from the bench to make his way back to the room. When he was about to slide the panes close, he caught light diffusing from the distant horizon. Biting his lips, he turned away from the harbinger of sunrise that magnified his loss. He drew the curtains up, unable to witness the sunrise that was meant for two.
He staggered to his bed and dropped himself into it. He reached for his iPod and played the audio track again. He jerked the covers over his head, cocooning himself in the replay of the dream. The dream was real enough to make him lose himself in the tactile memory of Ryeowook’s skin against his.
You want me to move on but you did not tell me how, Kyuhyun thought, his arm over his eyes. Is this your idea of a punishment? Tell me.
He flipped onto his side and closed his eyes. His tears tripped over his nose and wetted the pillow. He would force himself to sleep, because it was only in his dreams could he see Ryeowook again.
He knew that he would not be able to do what Ryeowook wanted him to.
At least not for now.
END
::::::::::
A/N: Too many things I want to say but do not know where or how to start. Still, thank you for reading this piece inspired from reality and a song.
Length: Oneshot (approx 4,500 words)
Author: sayhell
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kyuwook
Genre: Angst
Summary: After years of travelling alone, Kyuhyun was finally ready to tame the free-spirited traveller in him for Ryeowook’s sake. However it was a tad too late.
It was a particularly violent turbulence that shook Kyuhyun from his short-lived sleep. A groan bubbled at the back of his throat when he referred to his watch. It was barely thirty minutes since he had closed his eyes, and barely fifteen since he had finally wrenched free of his consciousness and escaped into a haven reality was not able to provide.
His entire being seemed to be racked with pain. Nasty little creatures clawed at his temples, drumming up a migraine. His feet were numb and swollen from the long flight. But the greatest pain came from the left side of his chest, pounding along with the rhythm of his heart. He leaned back in his seat and rubbed his forehead, wondering if being in pain was his atonement.
As an air stewardess strode down his side of the aisle, he considered requesting for painkillers. His hand was barely raised when a distant voice of reproach rang in his mind. He dropped his hand, using it instead to rummage through his bag and retrieve his iPod. He lodged the earpieces in place and played the track that had been on loop for the past seven days.
He closed his eyes and let the voice fill his senses. It spoke of the words he had long memorized, doubling the resident pain in his chest. Five minutes later, the voice bid a goodbye that meant forever and like all the previous times, he felt a terrifying emptiness that nothing could fill. He played the track again, setting it on repeat mode. He would hurt all over again, but it was only in this hurt could he feel closest to the owner of the voice.
Eighth time into the track, an announcement of arrival interrupted and lights filled the cabin. The methodical voiceover reminded them to fasten their seatbelts. He pushed the window back up and noted that it was daytime on this side of the hemisphere. When he cast his eyes downwards, the top view of the island took his breath away.
The jagged coastline of Santorini cut into the wide ocean, resembling an oddly-shaped fossil hugged by a cloth of differentially shaded azure. White flags - vessels - were desultorily scattered around the Greek island. As the plane dipped upon the island, he could even make out the blue domed roofs that the churches have preened themselves on.
The revelation of the island’s beauty continued after he had exited the rustic airport. He stood in front of the airport for a long time, his eyes following the never ending terrain line imprinted against the clear sky.
“Ryeowook-ah, I’m here already.” He tilted his head to the summer sun, allowing the rays to blind him momentarily.
He waited for the adrenaline and freedom of travelling in a new country to embrace him. But instead, all he could feel was a nagging loss that told him that this trip had been long overdue.
::::::::::
Kyuhyun loved to travel alone. He would take off at least twice a year, gladly spending every cent he had accrued from the temporary odd jobs on his trips. He would journey from landmark to landmark, processing the unique cultures of countries at his own pace. The unencumbered nature of a solo travel was a drug that mollified the free-spirited adventurer in him.
Even being in a relationship with Ryeowook had never changed this hobby of his.
They were diametric opposites when it came to their idea of a perfect travel. To Ryeowook, travelling was an activity to be done in the company of others, an opportunity to unravel personalities and fortify relationships. However, despite them being in a relationship, he had never forced Kyuhyun to adopt this quixotic perspective of his.
“Travelling with someone you love isn’t a simple travel anymore. It runs deeper than that,” the dreamer in Ryeowook had once said. “It questions bonds, but it also redefines them. And there’s always something whimsical about lovers leaving their marks on the globe, in pairs. Speaking of which, when are we going to travel together?”
Kyuhyun had vaguely remembered promising Ryeowook that they would someday, when he was ready to compromise his freedom and tether himself to another person. But before that, he would continue to travel alone, and Ryeowook would continue to wait.
The pact resurfaced from the forgotten depths of his mind one night when he was in France. He was back in his motel room, listlessly rearranging the contents in his laptop when he noticed something common in the photos he had taken during this trip.
All of the people he had inadvertently captured came in pairs. From the young couple overlooking the Seine River, to the elderly husband and wife strolling in Jardin du Luxemborg, love brimmed and overflowed in every corner of this country. Panic nipped at him when he realized how sharply his solitude was contrasted. He set down the cup of wine he had been sipping on, its aftertaste suddenly too bitter for him.
Ensnared by loneliness, he felt a sudden longing for Ryeowook. If he had allowed Ryeowook on his travels, they could have shared that oversized platter in Madrid, could have bought the boat tickets at a cheaper price in Venice, and could have tossed their coins for the same wish in Rome. And he would have someone to cuddle with right now.
Maybe it was finally time to tame the carefree traveler in him and settle himself in a constant companionship, he thought. Maybe Ryeowook should stop being the person he missed whenever he was alone in a foreign place and start being the person beside him in all of his travels.
On impulse, he bought the plane tickets for the first flight out of this country. The anticipation of seeing Ryeowook again dispelled the heavy cloud hovering above him, transforming his face with a smile.
He logged into his mail, about to send an email to inform Ryeowook of his return when he decided against it. He propped his chin on his knuckle, a soft chuckle spilling from his lips as he envisioned the surprise he would catch Ryeowook in.
“Never knew that I could miss you this much,” he sighed through a helpless smile. And I think you’ve reshuffled all the priorities in my life.
He checked his inbox and noted with disappointment that there was no new mail from Ryeowook. The last one he had received was five days back. He pondered a little over the delay in frequency before shrugging his doubts off. Perhaps Ryeowook had been busy.
He read through all the mails, both recent and archived, Ryeowook had sent him during the times they had been apart. Warmth stirred in his abdomen as he imagined Ryeowook’s voice speaking the words, burning away the last trace of his loneliness. Reminders of safety nagged through the body of every mail, concluded at the end by a shy sentence of ‘I miss you’.
Santorini was drawn forward from a forgotten field of his mind by a particular succession of mails in which scenic images of the island had been attached. He remembered the numerous times Ryeowook had expressed his desire to visit the island and each time, he had let it flit pass his mind without much thought. A light voice in his head jutted in, chiding him for the nonchalance he had shown to his lover’s wish.
Not anymore, he retaliated inwardly, silencing the voice before more regret could stack. The both of us will take off for Santorini right after I return, and then we’ll travel the world together. I’ll use all my time to make it up to him.
He would not let Ryeowook wait anymore. It might not be easy, but he was ready to conform himself to the responsibilities parceled together with the rewards of a lovers’ travel. All he needed now was for Ryeowook to say ‘yes’.
And that was why he headed straight to Ryeowook’s residence the moment his flight touched down in South Korea two mornings later. He texted Ryeowook and sat on the bench outside the lobby of Ryeowook’s apartment, his luggage chucked aside. He inhaled deeply, the promise of the cool summer morning diffusing through his lungs and bolstering his anticipation.
He stood up in delight when a pair of feet shuffled into his vision.
“Wookie -” his smile froze in awkwardness when he found himself face-to-face with Ryeowook’s elder sister instead. “Seonhee noona,” he greeted, quickly camouflaging his disappointment. “Is Ryeowook still asleep?”
She stared at him for a long moment, pursing her lips. He watched her, barely able to conceal his shock at her radical change. He could not reconcile the discrepancy between the woman he had remembered and the woman he now saw. Wild strands had escaped from the loose bundle her hair had been pulled into. Tiny networks of red crawled the whites of her swollen eyes. The long cardigan she was wearing was unable to mask the amount of weight she had lost.
“Ryeowook…” she began, her neck stretched taut as she swallowed whatever emotions that was badgering her. “Ryeowook is…” she choked, unable to continue as tears filled her bloodshot eyes.
A sudden fear gripped Kyuhyun, prying apart the mist of bliss that had enveloped him up till this moment. His eyes fell on the accessory that dangled from the phone in her hand. The crystal giraffe, which he had bought for Ryeowook on his trip to Taiwan, shimmered under the morning light.
“Noona…” he started with dread, working his voice around the rock lodged in his throat. “What happened to Ryeowook? He never leaves his phone.”
What followed next was a trail of words that crushed everything beautiful he had envisioned for the both of them. He would always remember the pungent smell of death as he walked down the hospital corridor. He would always remember the overwhelming despair when he saw the emaciated boy on life support, his pale skin fading into the white sheets.
And he would always remember how his mouth had gone dry when he realized that, all of a sudden, there was no time left.
::::::::::
The last rays of the setting sun spilled into the room, casting a circle of light around the study desk in Ryeowook’s bedroom. The sky was a smear of colors - orange and purple - too warm for the chill that glassed the walls of Kyuhyun’s insides.
He reclined on the study chair, his fingers interlocked on his belly as his eyes roamed the room. The bedroom was a replica of the one in his memory: purple bed sheet pulled over a single-sized mattress; a cuddly bunny plushie flopped against a fluffy pillow; an oak piano parked against one wall; and a low shelf crammed with storybooks too juvenile for the age of their owner. The room smelled the same too, but he knew that the familiar scent would soon fade and he could only rely on his memory when that time came.
He straightened up to take a closer look at the contents of the desk. His fingers were padded with a powdery layer of dust when he ran a hand absentmindedly across the keyboard, reminding him that it had been too long since Ryeowook had come back.
Feeling a strange pull of intuition, he powered the computer on. A board affixed to the wall above the desk drew his attention as he waited for the computer to start up. The board was a collage of overlaying postcards held in place by magnets. The photo of Santorini, though fixed in the corner, stood in stark contrast among the sea of other postcards sent by him. In it, the pristine architectures of Santorini were outlined against a sky painted with varying shades of orange.
‘The sunrise that promises an eternity’, Ryeowook’s handwriting at the bottom of the photo read. At the end of the sentence, their names cuddled under a rough sketch of an umbrella. Kyuhyun felt a pang at the wistfulness of it all. If Kyuhyun had not understood Ryeowook’s persistence before, he understood it now.
“Shall we go to Santorini at the end of this year?”
“I’ll be going to Zurich. The ticket is already booked.”
“How about in January?”
“Not sure if I would be back by then.”
“Then - ”
“Why don’t you go with Dalma?”
“It can’t be with anybody else but you.”
“Someday, we would go together. Just not now.”
“Then when?”
“When I’m ready.”
He thought of the multiple times he could have said yes. If he hadn’t brushed off Ryeowook’s crestfallen face all too many times, then perhaps regret wouldn’t sit on his shoulder like a willful child, suffocating him.
He turned to the computer, gathering himself before he fell further apart. However the wallpaper burned his eyes, dealing him with a second blow. He had snapped the photo of the unknowing Ryeowook during one of their dates to the park. This could be the best moment he had ever captured, with the rays cooperating to accentuate the ethereal profile.
He blinked away, alarmed by how a moment so beautifully frozen could stab him. He clicked on the ‘computer’ icon and felt air return to him when the window popped out to obscure the wallpaper. He navigated through the carefully categorized contents. He was browsing through a folder entitled ‘Confidential’ when an audio track, ‘Kyuhyunnie’, grabbed his attention.
A sharp intake of breath was latched on by the desperate surprise that Ryeowook had left him something after all. He squared his shoulders, catching his bearings before he double-clicked on the file.
It started with nearly ten seconds of sibilant buzz and sounds of scratching. When Ryeowook’s voice poured out from the built-in speakers, he felt his eyes welling with a sudden gush of tears.
“Cho Kyuhyun! What business do you have nosing around in this folder? You should be thankful that I’m always magnanimous to forgive you. Aren’t I clever to plant this track right here? I know you can never keep your hands off my stuff.
But honestly, I wished that you would never have to find this track. I wished I could delete it after my recovery and pretend that I’ve been healthy all along. But now that you’re listening to this, things have probably derailed from what I’ve hoped.
Kyuhyun-ah, being in love with you is the best thing that has occurred in my life. I had never believed opposites could weld together so perfectly; but that was before I met you. It’s probably because you are someone whom I wished I could be like. You turn spontaneous desires in actions, while I let dreams stay as dreams. You’re always carefree, while I worry over every little thing. You’re always brave to travel alone, unlike me who needs the company of someone familiar in a foreign place.
Actually, on second thoughts, it may be better if you’re a little like me too. We could find joy in travelling together and - Ah, I shouldn’t be talking about this, should I? Not when I’m the fellow who couldn’t deliver his side of the pact. I just wished I wouldn’t have to go.
Don’t let what had happened to me change you, Kyuhyun. Continue to go the places I’ve never been too, continue to live like the carefree traveler that you’re. You’re the happiest only when you’re a free soul. And being happy is the best thing you can do for me. Yes, I love you this much. Saranghae, Kyuhyun-ah. Annyeong.”
Nuances in the recorded voice - the pauses, the sighs, and the quavers - continued to hum in his ears minutes after the track had concluded. He rubbed the heels of his palms against his burning eyes. Ryeowook had probably hoped otherwise, but the well-wishes had failed to sever that chains that kept him tethered to remorse.
The sky had darkened into a deep purple, consuming the room of light. He stared unblinkingly at the screen, wondering why he could not feel the pierce of the luminescent glare so sharply contrasted. He averted his eyes only when the door behind him opened, admitting the entrance of Seonhee noona.
He could only discern her silhouette as she moved toward him. When she turned on the study lamp, he noticed that she was still wearing the black dress from the funeral that afternoon. She offered him a feeble smile as she set a glass of water beside him.
“Why didn’t he tell me anything?” Kyuhyun asked suddenly. The thought that Ryeowook had been burying his pain under a smile killed him. “He could have told me, and I wouldn’t have left.”
“He didn’t want to stop you from what you love to do,” she whispered, tears overlaying her voice. She ran her fingertips over Ryeowook’s framed photo on the desk, poising them over the bright smile before turning away, pained. “He was very sick that day he sent you off at the airport. If you had paid a little more attention, you would have noticed.”
The montage of that day fledged in his mind: Ryeowook enveloping him in a hug so tight as if it was their last, Ryeowook waving at him with a sorrowful smile which he had jokingly thought was lugubrious, Ryeowook’s diffidence. In his excitement to visit France, he had overlooked all the hints Ryeowook had scattered for him to pick up.
He buried his face into his hands and his shoulders wobbled. “I failed him so much.”
“That’s what I thought too,” she said, but her tone was not accusing. “You’re a careless lover who is too caught up in your own freedom. I’ve said that to Wookie so many times; asked him to knock some sense into you even. But he didn’t want to. Do you know why?”
Kyuhyun looked up, searching her eyes for answers.
“He said that loving someone isn’t about expecting that person to change for your sake; it’s about accepting every single aspect of them, even their weaknesses. I’ve a silly brother.” She let out a chuckle, and when she did, a tear escaped down her cheek. She wiped it away hastily but he could see the cracks Ryeowook had left behind in his death.
“Only he’s foolish enough to love an unworthy person like me.” He looked at the glorious sunrise depicted in the photo of Santorini. “I just hoped that he had given me a chance to prove to bring him to the places he wanted to go.”
She followed his line of vision and smiled slightly. “That silly boy has been raving about Santorini to you, hasn’t he?”
Kyuhyun nodded, remembering the occasions where Ryeowook had cornered him travel guides on the Greek island. “He did the same to you?”
“He did,” she said, losing her smile as she slipped into another pool of memory. “But you know something? Going to Santorini wasn’t his greatest wish. He just wished that he had mattered enough for you to bring him along to wherever you had gone to.”
All the bridled tears tripped over the ledge of his eyes at her words. The tears scorched his skin, burning away the last of his control. He cried, silently. Painfully.
“He matters.” He managed. Salty tears slipped pass his lips.
“He would be so happy if he had heard it from you.” She was not unkind, but her allusion that his confession, though heartfelt, was too late was not uncaught by him. She squeezed his shoulder and turned to leave the room, abandoning him to repent in his own tears and regret.
::::::::::
When the night descended, orange lights spilling from the windows of the various households illuminated Santorini. Kyuhyun sat on the bench of his hostel’s balcony, the island’s picturesque beauty captivating him more than it did so in the day. An opened notebook lay in his lap and a map was carelessly draped on the arm of bench.
With little difficulty, he retracted his eyes from the night scenery and picked up the map. He perused the map, forcing his wandering mind to focus on the tiny landmarks jotted on it. He began to scribble his itinerary on the notebook but it was only minutes before his longing for his deceased lover deterred him. The scribbles transited into a sketch based heavily from his memory.
He looked at his completed drawing of Ryeowook, panicking when he realized that it was not the precise replica of the person that dwelled in his memory. Frustration mounted when no amount of tries could rectify the drawing. He sank back into the bench, suddenly fearful that Ryeowook would be effaced from his memory piecemeal.
He brushed a hand over the sketch, the lead staining his fingers. “I can’t even remember on which side of your nose you had a mole…” he mumbled. “What am I going to forget next?”
He dived into his recollection, feeling his heart bleed as he reviewed the times he had with Ryeowook over and over again. He would never allow himself to be stumped if people ever asked him to describe the man he was in love in.
“You’ve never told me that you kept a travel diary.” Kyuhyun snapped his head to the source of the voice, stiffening in disbelief when Ryeowook pouted at him from the other end of the bench, his legs swinging beneath him like a child. He stared for a long time, afraid that a single twitch of muscle would burst the bubble.
“Let me see it,” Ryeowook shifted to Kyuhyun’s side. A breeze ferried Ryeowook’s scent and Kyuhyun’s heart expanded with nostalgia. Tears burned the back of his eyes. “This is such an ugly sketch of me!” Ryeowook slapped Kyuhyun’s arm in mock haughtiness, but Kyuhyun did not feel the sting that he should.
“I know…” Kyuhyun replied, unable to tear his gaze away from Ryeowook. “I miss you so much, but at the same time, I seem to forget something about you with each passing day. What should I do?”
The smile on Ryeowook’s face fell away in degrees. He closed the notebook and met Kyuhyun’s eyes with his own sorrowful ones. “Just… let it be.”
“That’s easy for you to say, when you’re not the one who’s left behind,” Kyuhyun retorted, gripped by a sudden anger at Ryeowook’s words.
Ryeowook looked away, stung. “I never wanted to leave if I could have a say in this.”
Kyuhyun’s anger deflated at the hurt in Ryeowook’s voice. He pulled Ryeowook into an impetuous embrace, the solid pressure against his body nearly tricking him into believing that everything was real. “I didn’t mean what I’ve just said.” His lips rubbed against Ryeowook’s ear, the proximity nearly reducing him into a puddle of tears. “I love you so much.”
Ryeowook pulled back. “I’ve never doubted that, not even once.” He cupped a hand against the jaw line of Kyuhyun’s frazzled face. “But Kyuhyun, if you love somebody else in the future…” Ryeowook paused, closing his eyes to collect himself. “If you love somebody else in the future, never ever let the person feel that he or she is in a relationship with solitude.”
Kyuhyun’s heart clenched. His absence had subjected Ryeowook to a loneliness he had never noticed in his selfishness. “I can’t fall in love again,” he whispered, “not after all these.”
Ryeowook shook his head. “Don’t stop yourself because of me.” He pressed a hand against Kyuhyun’s chest, above the heart. “Just leave me a tiny bit of space here. Think of me once a week, or once a month. But not every day.”
“You can’t stop me.”
Ryeowook sighed. “You coming to Santorini for me is enough already.” He pulled Kyuhyun down, laying his head on his lap. He raked his fingers through Kyuhyun’s hair, soothing the man. “Don’t beat yourself up.”
“Don’t stop me from missing you, please,” Kyuhyun nearly begged. He turned, pressing his face against Ryeowook’s belly, muffling his voice. “It’s the only thing that keeps me going, the only way I could deceive myself that there is still someone waiting for me back at home.”
“I can never outtalk your stubbornness.” Ryeowook’s lips flattened into a line of helplessness, and Kyuhyun pretended that he didn’t hear. He tipped his head to the sky crowned by thousands of glittering stars.
“I think I can finally understand why Santorini attracts you.” Kyuhyun lifted a finger, connecting the stars into constellations. “It’s a pretty island.”
“Isn’t it?” Ryeowook worked his fingers on Kyuhyun’s temples, loosening the taut nerves beneath.
Kyuhyun yawned, feeling a sudden wave of sleepiness tiding over him at the comfort of Ryeowook’s deft fingers. “Wish you were here with me.” He rubbed his eyes, forcing them to stay open.
“Sleep,” Ryeowook pulled Kyuhyun’s hands away. “You’re tired.”
“Are you still going to be here when I wake up in the morning?” Kyuhyun stopped resisting the gravitation toward slumber land. “We can catch the sunrise together.”
“I wish we could.” Ryeowook could only smile sadly.
“Don’t want you to leave,” Kyuhyun mumbled, hanging on to his last vestige of consciousness.
“I don’t want to either.” Something sparkling fell from Ryeowook’s eyes. “But we all need to move on. You will find somebody else to love, and I’ll be watching over you from somewhere else.”
The next words that escaped from Kyuhyun’s mouth were an incoherent jumble, but before he could fix them, an unrelenting hand had thrust him into the realm of sleep.
::::::::::
Kyuhyun jolted awake. He sat up on the bench, scanning his surrounding frantically. The lights from the surrounding buildings had already been snuffed. Up in the sky, the stars had retreated back to their hiding places.
“Ryeowook?” The only reply he got was the howls of the strong wind. “Ryeowook?” He called again, more to remember how the name felt on his tongue this time round. What had happened could only be a dream, conjured from his unbridled yearning for the man.
He ran a hand across his eyes, drawing tears. “If you could really come back to me, I promise I wouldn’t make you wait for anything anymore,” he mumbled in a useless bargain.
He collected his belongs and rose from the bench to make his way back to the room. When he was about to slide the panes close, he caught light diffusing from the distant horizon. Biting his lips, he turned away from the harbinger of sunrise that magnified his loss. He drew the curtains up, unable to witness the sunrise that was meant for two.
He staggered to his bed and dropped himself into it. He reached for his iPod and played the audio track again. He jerked the covers over his head, cocooning himself in the replay of the dream. The dream was real enough to make him lose himself in the tactile memory of Ryeowook’s skin against his.
You want me to move on but you did not tell me how, Kyuhyun thought, his arm over his eyes. Is this your idea of a punishment? Tell me.
He flipped onto his side and closed his eyes. His tears tripped over his nose and wetted the pillow. He would force himself to sleep, because it was only in his dreams could he see Ryeowook again.
He knew that he would not be able to do what Ryeowook wanted him to.
At least not for now.
END
::::::::::
A/N: Too many things I want to say but do not know where or how to start. Still, thank you for reading this piece inspired from reality and a song.