Drabble: Yamamoto Doesn't Understand
So, this is something I wrote a little while ago and I thought it was going to go somewhere but it isn't and now I'm posting the snippet.
Word Count: ~600
Warnings: Crack AU. CRACK. Squalo being mean.
Summary: Yamamoto discusses relationship woes with Squalo, Lussu and Mukuro at their local coffee shop.
-----
“I don’t understand.” Yamamoto announces as he sits down with his coffee. Squalo flicks his eyes up from his newspaper once, then back down again. Lussuria titters. Mukuro smiles and leans in, a bit too eager to listen in.
“Boyfriend issues?” Mukuro asks.
“Yes.” Yamamoto answers plaintively. “Again. I don’t understand him.”
“And you never will.” Squalo barks. “So dump him.”
“No! I love him.” Yamamoto droops. “I think that’s the problem.”
“Of course that’s the problem. You’re such a pushover. Man up.” Squalo says, still not looking up from his newspaper.
Lussuria pats Yamamoto’s arm reassuringly. “Gokudera’s just being difficult, I’m sure.”
“Really?” Yamamoto looks up hopefully - Lussuria is an expert on relationships, even if the drag queen wears feather boas and has a different ‘boy’ each week.
“Yeah, he’s one of those types.” Lussuria nods sagely.
“One of what types? The ones that can’t stay monogamous?” Squalo asks nastily.
Yamamoto blanches. “You think…”
Lussuria shushes Squalo with a smack to the head.
“Of course not.” Mukuro interrupts smoothly. “Gokudera is much too straightforward to go behind your back. If he wanted to sleep with someone else, he would dump you first.”
Yamamoto combs frazzled fingers through his hair, making his spikes even messier. “Is that supposed to be reassuring?”
Mukuro smiles. “So what happened this time?”
Yamamoto pouts. “Yesterday was our sixteenth month anniversary and he didn’t come home for dinner.”
“You celebrate sixteenth month anniversaries?” Squalo asks incredulously, finally looking up. “What are you, a pussy?”
Lussuria smacks Squalo harder. “Shut up, Superbia. Yamamoto is a prime catch-”
“For everyone except my boyfriend.”
“Oh, you shut up too.” Lussuria says. “For beauty’s sake stop griping, it makes you look like a puppy dog.”
Mukuro laughs. “He’s right, you know. And you know what you should do about Gokudera? You-” he taps an immaculate fingernail against Yamamoto’s hand. “should go home, push him against a wall and fuck him.”
“Yes, because that does wonders for a relationship.” Lussuria drawls.
“Of course! That’s what Kyouya and I always do after a fight. He is really delicious when he’s got-”
“Thank you, Mukuro,” Lussuria cuts in. “Please don’t share any more details. Your boyfriend will kill you when he finds out you kiss and tell.”
“I know.” Mukuro says, voicing a throaty laugh. “That’s what makes it so exciting.”
“I don’t know what else I can do!” Yamamoto says, obviously disregarding any part of the conversation not concerning Gokudera. “I pamper him, I listen to him, we have great sex…and I am hot. Right?”
Mukuro nods. “I would totally fuck you-”
“-and your boyfriend would totally castrate me afterwards. Please never touch me.” Yamamoto goes white again. Mukuro’s boyfriend, Hibari Kyouya, is fucking terrifying. “Still.” Yamamoto leans his chin on his hand. “I don’t understand why Gokudera spends more time tailing Tsuna than…”
“Because he’s stupid and emotionally crippled and he worships that boy.” Squalo interjects. “It’s not like you didn’t know that when you fucked him- oh right, you like to call it ‘asking him out’.”
Yamamoto disregards the sarcasm. “But Tsuna is straight! And in love with Kyoko!”
“Which is why Gokudera is stupid. You should dump him until he realizes what he lost.” Squalo advises.
“He’d never come back.” Yamamoto says sadly. “I’ve thought about it.”
“Which is exactly why you should dump him. If you’ve thought about dumping your boyfriend, that’s a sign that you should.” Squalo snaps the newspaper closed. “Really, Yamamoto, he treats you like shit. Why do you put up with it? You’re not a fucking masochist.”
Yamamoto can’t think of a thing to say. He keeps his mouth shut and looks glum.
-----
A/N: No, not over Star Trek yet. But somehow it's fueling 8059 and I dunno, just sit back and enjoy?
Word Count: ~600
Warnings: Crack AU. CRACK. Squalo being mean.
Summary: Yamamoto discusses relationship woes with Squalo, Lussu and Mukuro at their local coffee shop.
-----
“I don’t understand.” Yamamoto announces as he sits down with his coffee. Squalo flicks his eyes up from his newspaper once, then back down again. Lussuria titters. Mukuro smiles and leans in, a bit too eager to listen in.
“Boyfriend issues?” Mukuro asks.
“Yes.” Yamamoto answers plaintively. “Again. I don’t understand him.”
“And you never will.” Squalo barks. “So dump him.”
“No! I love him.” Yamamoto droops. “I think that’s the problem.”
“Of course that’s the problem. You’re such a pushover. Man up.” Squalo says, still not looking up from his newspaper.
Lussuria pats Yamamoto’s arm reassuringly. “Gokudera’s just being difficult, I’m sure.”
“Really?” Yamamoto looks up hopefully - Lussuria is an expert on relationships, even if the drag queen wears feather boas and has a different ‘boy’ each week.
“Yeah, he’s one of those types.” Lussuria nods sagely.
“One of what types? The ones that can’t stay monogamous?” Squalo asks nastily.
Yamamoto blanches. “You think…”
Lussuria shushes Squalo with a smack to the head.
“Of course not.” Mukuro interrupts smoothly. “Gokudera is much too straightforward to go behind your back. If he wanted to sleep with someone else, he would dump you first.”
Yamamoto combs frazzled fingers through his hair, making his spikes even messier. “Is that supposed to be reassuring?”
Mukuro smiles. “So what happened this time?”
Yamamoto pouts. “Yesterday was our sixteenth month anniversary and he didn’t come home for dinner.”
“You celebrate sixteenth month anniversaries?” Squalo asks incredulously, finally looking up. “What are you, a pussy?”
Lussuria smacks Squalo harder. “Shut up, Superbia. Yamamoto is a prime catch-”
“For everyone except my boyfriend.”
“Oh, you shut up too.” Lussuria says. “For beauty’s sake stop griping, it makes you look like a puppy dog.”
Mukuro laughs. “He’s right, you know. And you know what you should do about Gokudera? You-” he taps an immaculate fingernail against Yamamoto’s hand. “should go home, push him against a wall and fuck him.”
“Yes, because that does wonders for a relationship.” Lussuria drawls.
“Of course! That’s what Kyouya and I always do after a fight. He is really delicious when he’s got-”
“Thank you, Mukuro,” Lussuria cuts in. “Please don’t share any more details. Your boyfriend will kill you when he finds out you kiss and tell.”
“I know.” Mukuro says, voicing a throaty laugh. “That’s what makes it so exciting.”
“I don’t know what else I can do!” Yamamoto says, obviously disregarding any part of the conversation not concerning Gokudera. “I pamper him, I listen to him, we have great sex…and I am hot. Right?”
Mukuro nods. “I would totally fuck you-”
“-and your boyfriend would totally castrate me afterwards. Please never touch me.” Yamamoto goes white again. Mukuro’s boyfriend, Hibari Kyouya, is fucking terrifying. “Still.” Yamamoto leans his chin on his hand. “I don’t understand why Gokudera spends more time tailing Tsuna than…”
“Because he’s stupid and emotionally crippled and he worships that boy.” Squalo interjects. “It’s not like you didn’t know that when you fucked him- oh right, you like to call it ‘asking him out’.”
Yamamoto disregards the sarcasm. “But Tsuna is straight! And in love with Kyoko!”
“Which is why Gokudera is stupid. You should dump him until he realizes what he lost.” Squalo advises.
“He’d never come back.” Yamamoto says sadly. “I’ve thought about it.”
“Which is exactly why you should dump him. If you’ve thought about dumping your boyfriend, that’s a sign that you should.” Squalo snaps the newspaper closed. “Really, Yamamoto, he treats you like shit. Why do you put up with it? You’re not a fucking masochist.”
Yamamoto can’t think of a thing to say. He keeps his mouth shut and looks glum.
-----
A/N: No, not over Star Trek yet. But somehow it's fueling 8059 and I dunno, just sit back and enjoy?