hard to sleep with this in my head

[sayotic]

yesterday i hid in the corner of a schoolyard and read in the shade. there were so many wasps hovering about, but we reached an agreement, that i offered them nothing and they offered only an amusing experience that would have some people flailing about in fear. i finised up a chapter and just sat there thinking, wondering...where am i going now? who will i share my days with?. i've spent far too much time alone and locked in my head, i've passed through three years alone in my bedroom during my late teens, i always felt as though i was missing out on all the late teen experiences. after awhile i shut it all off, the wonder, lust, emotions in general were numbed, as it hurt too much to think of something you felt you could never attain. such simple things too. the moments i did have, i wished for someone to share it with, but nope. since then three females have managed to pry me open. i tried hard to resist, but their persistence only helped them to slip through my barriers, making me think it was something safe, and that i could trust them with my delicate parts. i started to feel again, i started to fall in love again. and i feel it was the worst mistake i have made to date (i once would have told someone that mistakes how we learn)...the first one is fair, but not the rest. i should have stayed secure and locked away all these vulnerable things and never let them free. the one thing i have now forgotten, is how to deal with my emotions. sometimes they seem so false like we've all been fooled into thinking they are real...maybe it's just me...but the fact of the matter is im feeling something. and it's not what i would like to feel or go through again (and it only seems like a matter of time). i just hope i can figure out how to shut myself off again, it needs to happen soon or i will be taking drastic measures to deal with it.
this is what flew through my head as i sat in a school yard...time became the main thought...i have very little time it feels. just as these thoughts were forming in my brain, the sun had moved lower down to the horizon, pulling my security blanket shadows away from me and slapping me in the face. the sun stops for no one, and listens to nobodys pleas to set or rise sooner. i raised my hand to my face to shield my eyes...and heard the ticking of my wrist watch...i thought about john, the aging man who had given this watch to me. the day he had handed it over, he mentioned twice that he didnt think he'd make it through the night. he knows his days are numbered. i wondered if i would make it to that age. will cancer kill me? will i be killed in a car accident? kill myself? struck by a comet? i often lay in bed and have this overwhelming fear that something will bust through my roof and ceiling and punch a whole through my chest...
if the clocks dont drive me mad, the sun rise and sun set will.
last summer was prime, though i wished it was just the begining, a bud that would have flourished, but instead it was ripped out before maturing into something that i feel could have been grand, and to die for. worth a life long treck to see.
i'm so stubborn and stupid. thinking has got the better of me.