Journal on my SNotes
Hey dude.. wassap..?
finally i can writing again... the truth is i've been writing on my handphone notes because i can't writing in live journal for these months and i don't know way. When i press the submit, and all my writing is gone.
Okay, that's the opening.
here i am again because he line-ed me yesterday.
Yeah, him again. Hope you'll never get bored because of me always writing about him, journal. I'm so sorry.
Nah, he line-ed about yeah.. some information that he want to know. Again, for information. At first i'm happy he line-ed me and the second is i was pissed off. Because after more than 1 month we didn't have a chat, he just line-ed me something about he want to know. Not even ask my condition like "Hey, how are you?" Or "why you didn't come to japanese event lately" or something like that. He just want me because he needs something for me.
When i read his line, i want to ignore it. Guess what? Yes, i miss him. I miss to have chat with him so i reply his chat like i used to be. Yeah, now he didn't reply my line because last time i said to him in chat is about World Cup Argentina vs Nederland. He said that he support Nederland and he believe the prediction that Nederland will be win against Argentina. But i said to him to not believe in that prediction and tadaaaa~ he just read that line. Not reply. What's my wrong? I'm right, yes? Look at today's match. Argentina is the winner.
So journal... tell me...
How stupid i am for fall in love with someone who gets To near me to just have information...? I can believe that i can be love him this much.. i want to ignore him! I want to hate him! I want to forget him! But no matter i tried, when he reach me again, i fall in love with him again.
And i just remember how stupid i am for thinking he is the only one who can give me comfort from my problem. I still remember, i want to tell a story about family things and when i DM-ed him want to... yeah "curhat" things... *at that time his BBM is not active* he said to me: "Sorry, i'm on holiday now." Just that. Not even saying: "What's wrong?" thing or i hope he will say: "Okay, i'll listen. Tell me" not even say that. I'm so pissed off that time. I'm crying when i read that DM. Maybe you can find the entry in this journal about that. Guess what? After that, i still forgive him.
And what about that rilakkuma picks that i give to him in the hard way. I just force my self to give him birthday gift. I ask fen for help me to buy that picks even i didn't have enough money to bought that d*mn fvcking things, but i still want to him to have that picks. Because i love him. I want him to be smile so, i just want to gave him birthday gift. Finally i can got money and bought him that picks. I send him to his friends rent house, but that package is not reach him for 3 days. Cut the story, finally that picks reach him. I'm happy that know him really happy to saw that picks. I smiled when he thank me in twitter... But after that, what he did to me..? That picks 9 pieces, he gave 2 to his friends. That's really broke my heart. After of all my... hm.... what we call it, sacrifice..? Okay whatever... he just send that my hard work to his friends.... two friends. One women and one man... when he gave that to his man friends, i'm on my timeline twitter so i can read his twitter about the "deal" that he made to gave his friend that pick. I'm just silent at that time. Crying silently.... but when i know he gave that pick to another his woman friends, i'm cry... ah, not cry, but cried....... so hard.... i found that woman instagram, and tadaaaa... that pick photo is there. And he liked that pick. I'm so pissed off. I'm angry with him. In line. He said sorry so many times. I want to forget this. I already forgive him but how hurt this feelings, is never stop..... why it's so hard to say to his friends: "Sorry, this is gift from my friend." Just that. How hard to say that thing? HOW HARDDDD???? okay, i'm getting angry.. ah, when i ask him about that women, he fall in love with her or not, he said: "I just know her in facebook" and he kind of said that he not in love with her.
But you know what? He bought her one ok rock ticket to save her because that women winning quiz from nestle but that women already have the ticket, so... he bought her ticket. How nice he is. Because before that he said to me he will use "calo" to get the ticket and what's the real fact here, uh? And he always liked that women selca photos in instagram and said he want to meet her in event ennichisai and want to know about her friend cat more... or whatever... that's calling not fall in love with her....? Oh please....
Okay let's skip..... too much story that he did broke my heart....
i will tell you the last time he did...
the last time... arround may, i want him to comfort me when i know was my best friend got pregnant and get married without telling me. I still remember.... that was on friday... 02.30 am.... i line-ed him about personality test on web. I want to distract my mind so i want to talk to someone. I remember he can't sleep in night so, i line-ed him. To open the conversation i just line about that personality test. And he replied with "not in the mood" way. He said that he was tired. At first i just fine and then he keep reply with not in that d*mn mood so finally i said to him that i was in desperate and i just want to chat with someone. I thought he will say: "What's wrong?" But he just said: "It's okay. I'm just tired" and finished. He didn't ask me why or about my problems at least he didn't try to comfort me.
I hope he will say: "It's okay. Everything is gonna be alright" but the fact is he didn't say any kind of words like that so, i just send him a sticker and he just read that.
Since that day.... i never talk to him about my problems again... because i know that he will not calm me down like i wish. How stupid i am for always thinking that he will always there for me. Being friends and talk a lot of things, do fun.... *sigh* all just my imagination. He will never do that from me. He never understand that. Yeah, he will never understand that.
And since that day too... i just fight with my problems alone. Not alone, with God. :,)
No one understand me like God did. Now, i just don't know what i want to do with this feelings. I regret that i send him that stupid question on his ask fm about how to forget him. Don't worry, i ask him in anonymous.
Oh God.. write down these things just like put salt into my own bleeding wound.... how Masochist am i.... huh.... haha *sigh*
I hate my self to be so in love with him deeply. I hate my self. But, love is never wrong, right? Huh.... what the hell is that...? i am just turn into romantic poem... uhh yucks.... haha
Iju said i must kohaku to him. To make me more comfort. I will. I think i will gave him my ID and journal password when i was ready.
I already calm down now after write that things and pray..... fuhhhh...
I guess i will not give him my ID and Pass journal... he will get angry with me and mock me like 'he' did. Okay, that's another 'he'....
'He' read my journal once and ended with he mock me and say that he hates me... maybe until now... because we're not in touch anymore.. :) but i think he's fine with his new life :)
Okay, back to him again. I still have feelings for him... i still love him... so i think that just let it be... let it go over again.. as long as i can see him and watch him... it's okay to get hurt because of him.... i will never say to him about my feelings. Never.... :,) yeah maybe i'm the most maso person in this world...
Okay... finish.... done...
God, i'm tired....
Today at 23.43 and i'm still crying for him... i love him too much... all the memories when i was with him always haunting me....
His laughing, his smile, his voice.... i remember clearly...
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
finally i can writing again... the truth is i've been writing on my handphone notes because i can't writing in live journal for these months and i don't know way. When i press the submit, and all my writing is gone.
Okay, that's the opening.
here i am again because he line-ed me yesterday.
Yeah, him again. Hope you'll never get bored because of me always writing about him, journal. I'm so sorry.
Nah, he line-ed about yeah.. some information that he want to know. Again, for information. At first i'm happy he line-ed me and the second is i was pissed off. Because after more than 1 month we didn't have a chat, he just line-ed me something about he want to know. Not even ask my condition like "Hey, how are you?" Or "why you didn't come to japanese event lately" or something like that. He just want me because he needs something for me.
When i read his line, i want to ignore it. Guess what? Yes, i miss him. I miss to have chat with him so i reply his chat like i used to be. Yeah, now he didn't reply my line because last time i said to him in chat is about World Cup Argentina vs Nederland. He said that he support Nederland and he believe the prediction that Nederland will be win against Argentina. But i said to him to not believe in that prediction and tadaaaa~ he just read that line. Not reply. What's my wrong? I'm right, yes? Look at today's match. Argentina is the winner.
So journal... tell me...
How stupid i am for fall in love with someone who gets To near me to just have information...? I can believe that i can be love him this much.. i want to ignore him! I want to hate him! I want to forget him! But no matter i tried, when he reach me again, i fall in love with him again.
And i just remember how stupid i am for thinking he is the only one who can give me comfort from my problem. I still remember, i want to tell a story about family things and when i DM-ed him want to... yeah "curhat" things... *at that time his BBM is not active* he said to me: "Sorry, i'm on holiday now." Just that. Not even saying: "What's wrong?" thing or i hope he will say: "Okay, i'll listen. Tell me" not even say that. I'm so pissed off that time. I'm crying when i read that DM. Maybe you can find the entry in this journal about that. Guess what? After that, i still forgive him.
And what about that rilakkuma picks that i give to him in the hard way. I just force my self to give him birthday gift. I ask fen for help me to buy that picks even i didn't have enough money to bought that d*mn fvcking things, but i still want to him to have that picks. Because i love him. I want him to be smile so, i just want to gave him birthday gift. Finally i can got money and bought him that picks. I send him to his friends rent house, but that package is not reach him for 3 days. Cut the story, finally that picks reach him. I'm happy that know him really happy to saw that picks. I smiled when he thank me in twitter... But after that, what he did to me..? That picks 9 pieces, he gave 2 to his friends. That's really broke my heart. After of all my... hm.... what we call it, sacrifice..? Okay whatever... he just send that my hard work to his friends.... two friends. One women and one man... when he gave that to his man friends, i'm on my timeline twitter so i can read his twitter about the "deal" that he made to gave his friend that pick. I'm just silent at that time. Crying silently.... but when i know he gave that pick to another his woman friends, i'm cry... ah, not cry, but cried....... so hard.... i found that woman instagram, and tadaaaa... that pick photo is there. And he liked that pick. I'm so pissed off. I'm angry with him. In line. He said sorry so many times. I want to forget this. I already forgive him but how hurt this feelings, is never stop..... why it's so hard to say to his friends: "Sorry, this is gift from my friend." Just that. How hard to say that thing? HOW HARDDDD???? okay, i'm getting angry.. ah, when i ask him about that women, he fall in love with her or not, he said: "I just know her in facebook" and he kind of said that he not in love with her.
But you know what? He bought her one ok rock ticket to save her because that women winning quiz from nestle but that women already have the ticket, so... he bought her ticket. How nice he is. Because before that he said to me he will use "calo" to get the ticket and what's the real fact here, uh? And he always liked that women selca photos in instagram and said he want to meet her in event ennichisai and want to know about her friend cat more... or whatever... that's calling not fall in love with her....? Oh please....
Okay let's skip..... too much story that he did broke my heart....
i will tell you the last time he did...
the last time... arround may, i want him to comfort me when i know was my best friend got pregnant and get married without telling me. I still remember.... that was on friday... 02.30 am.... i line-ed him about personality test on web. I want to distract my mind so i want to talk to someone. I remember he can't sleep in night so, i line-ed him. To open the conversation i just line about that personality test. And he replied with "not in the mood" way. He said that he was tired. At first i just fine and then he keep reply with not in that d*mn mood so finally i said to him that i was in desperate and i just want to chat with someone. I thought he will say: "What's wrong?" But he just said: "It's okay. I'm just tired" and finished. He didn't ask me why or about my problems at least he didn't try to comfort me.
I hope he will say: "It's okay. Everything is gonna be alright" but the fact is he didn't say any kind of words like that so, i just send him a sticker and he just read that.
Since that day.... i never talk to him about my problems again... because i know that he will not calm me down like i wish. How stupid i am for always thinking that he will always there for me. Being friends and talk a lot of things, do fun.... *sigh* all just my imagination. He will never do that from me. He never understand that. Yeah, he will never understand that.
And since that day too... i just fight with my problems alone. Not alone, with God. :,)
No one understand me like God did. Now, i just don't know what i want to do with this feelings. I regret that i send him that stupid question on his ask fm about how to forget him. Don't worry, i ask him in anonymous.
Oh God.. write down these things just like put salt into my own bleeding wound.... how Masochist am i.... huh.... haha *sigh*
I hate my self to be so in love with him deeply. I hate my self. But, love is never wrong, right? Huh.... what the hell is that...? i am just turn into romantic poem... uhh yucks.... haha
Iju said i must kohaku to him. To make me more comfort. I will. I think i will gave him my ID and journal password when i was ready.
I already calm down now after write that things and pray..... fuhhhh...
I guess i will not give him my ID and Pass journal... he will get angry with me and mock me like 'he' did. Okay, that's another 'he'....
'He' read my journal once and ended with he mock me and say that he hates me... maybe until now... because we're not in touch anymore.. :) but i think he's fine with his new life :)
Okay, back to him again. I still have feelings for him... i still love him... so i think that just let it be... let it go over again.. as long as i can see him and watch him... it's okay to get hurt because of him.... i will never say to him about my feelings. Never.... :,) yeah maybe i'm the most maso person in this world...
Okay... finish.... done...
God, i'm tired....
Today at 23.43 and i'm still crying for him... i love him too much... all the memories when i was with him always haunting me....
His laughing, his smile, his voice.... i remember clearly...
Posted via m.livejournal.com.