[FIC] Fantasy will never turn into Reality
Title: Fantasy will never turn into Reality
Author: sbluesnow
Pairing: Kibum x Changmin, Hankyung x Changmin
Others: Heechul, Leeteuk, Jaejoong, Kangin, Yunho, Go Ara
Summary: Fantasies are made of dreams. Sweet dreams that let you travel the world and the 7 seas. To let you wonder and explore. To let you look for something and hold on once you've found it. That doesn't mean that you can hold onto it though.
-x-
You dream of him.
You yearn for him.
You crave for him.
You smile for him.
You laugh for him.
You love because of him.
You know he feels the same way for you as you do for him.
You're perfect for each other.
You look down at the invitation in your hand and you see the words:
Please celebrate with us the freshness of new life and new love as we,
Kim Kibum
and
Shim Changmin
exchange wedding vows on November 16, 2009 at 5:00 PM.
The card is beautiful. It's simple and neatly folded and perfectly cut.
You can imagine what will happen on that day.
"Do you, Kim Kibum, wish to take Shim Changmin as your lawfully wedded husband?"
As he stares into your eyes, and looks into your soul, your heart is pounding so hard against your rib cage it hurts to breathe; you can see the love in his eyes for you.
"I do."
He says at lasts and smiles the breath taking smile that made your heart beat again.
He leans into you and kisses you.
You can hear the crowd cheering and laughing.
You can imagine it ever so clearly.
Looking back at the card, your finger traces the elegant silver writing.
Please celebrate with us the freshness of new life and new love as we,
Kim Kibum
and
Go Ara
exchange wedding vows on November 16, 2009 at 5:00 PM.
Your eyes stare at the name under Kibum's. It's not yours. This invitation isn't yours. Your anger rises and you feel the want to rip the card to shreds but you don't. You'd regret it later.
You have to attend this wedding. You're invited. You're invited to go to the wedding by the love of your life. A man who is in love with a woman who loves him just as much as he loves her.
The pain hurts. You've always wondered how long you could delude yourself of the truth. To hide in your fantasies and live your dream out in your mind. To possibly make it a reality and not just a fantasy.
Now it's too late. You've lost your chance. You've never had one to begin with. It's always been a one-sided love.
Always. And always will be but that never seems to be enough. There isn’t enough of anything in this world. There isn’t enough food. There isn’t enough jobs. There isn’t enough money. There isn’t enough sleep.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
He doesn't want to sleep. The more he sleeps, the more he dreams. The more he dreams, the more he misses. The more he misses, the more his heart dies.
It's always been Kibum and Changmin. Not Kibum and Ara. The years they've spent together, their childhood, everything is a blur. What Changmin treasures and holds dear to his heart means nothing but the past to Kibum.
He's not stupid. He knows exactly what he's doing. Shim Changmin, age 22, single and in love with one person. One man who sees him nothing more as his best friend. His childhood friend. His brother. His family. He hates what he has become. A man who doesn't want to give up the last piece of his life.
Love is selfless. A person should be satisfied as long as the person they love is happy.
Love is equal. Love doesn't see gender or race. The feeling is the same.
Love is tears. He's shed too many over Kibum. He's shed too many tears over himself. He's shed too many tears over his life.
He's been in love with Kibum for years. He doesn't know when exactly but it could be around the time they were 10. That's more than half his life ago. To give up Kibum, means giving up his life.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
Kibum had always joked and said that he couldn't sleep properly without a hug from him. Changmin just laughed and would one-touch Kibum. The older man never knew how true his words were.
The feeling of being in those arms, the warmth and the concern, it made Changmin feel like he could conquer the world as long as Kibum was by his side. That's no longer the case. Ara is by his side. His wife is by his side. He, the best friend is by the sidelines, doing nothing but watching Kibum step out of his life and walk away.
Never mind sleep. Sleep is nothing to him now. It's meaningless. What's the point of going to sleep when you wake up to an empty bed? To an empty room? To an empty house? The smile that he wishes to see every day, the banter that he goes through every morning as soon as he wakes up, the loving eyes that genuinely care for him no longer belong to him.
Changmin could feel his eyes closing from the lack of sleep. His body was tired and hungry from not eating for days but he didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.
There were voices outside in the hallway. He made no sound. He sat on the floor and leaned against the window. The darkness suited him fine. The lights from outside were bright but they didn't reach him. Everything lost its color. The people on the streets were blobs of black, moving slowly to him.
Someone was knocking on his door. He didn't even bother to answer or look at it. His eyes looked over the city, taking in the shadows. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass and forced his eyes to stay open.
The knocking on the door increased. The words, or what he thinks are words, are pleading for him to open the door. Changmin blinked his tired droopy eyes and breathed in a shallow breath. He wonders what it would be like if he could sleep. If he could be in a fantasy world and live out his fairy tale. He could be married to Kibum and they'd live together in Seoul with Mandoongie and their little boy that they've adopted. Kibum would be an actor and he would be running their little shop of knick knacks. Life would be perfect. It would be the complete opposite of his reality.
Or he could be an angel! He'd be from heaven, choosing to fail his first mission and get sent down to Earth to find his "One". He'd be wandering the streets, taking in all of Seoul and what it has to offer. When the sun is setting, he'd walk into the shadier part of Seoul and a little voice would catch his attention. He'd go into the dark alley and see what it is. No matter how scared he'd be, he'd still go. He'd find a cute little white dog and name it Mandoongie. He'd carry the hurt puppy in his arms and walk out of the alley. Then a group of gangsters would block his way and try to have their way with him. This would be when Kibum, his prince would come to his rescue.
It would be ironic wouldn't it? An angel being sent down to Earth to complete his mission and find the human he’s supposed to help only to be helped and saved by that human.
He'd fall in love and lose his wings. He'd be okay with that as long as he and Kibum are together. Anything is okay as long as he could have Kibum for himself. The world could be ending or Heechul had taken over the world, and he wouldn't give a damn as long as Kibum is his.
Heechul is one of his closest hyungs who care for him like family. Along with Jaejoong hyung, Yunho hyung, Leeteuk hyung, Kangin hyung, Hankyung hyung and many others. He has a lot of people who love him but Kibum's love is the one he wants.
The voices get louder outside his bedroom door. There's screaming and yelling now. His ears are hurting from the high pitch screaming. Changmin shook his head and pressed his forehead harder against the window. The spot is no longer cold. It's warm now.
Time changes everything. When a person sleeps, so many things can happen in life. A love one could die, someone they know could win a lottery, someone could be getting married, someone could be giving birth, anything could happen. It's scary really. Time doesn't wait for anyone. Those who choose to wait for time is foolish. Changmin doesn't think of himself that way though. He's not being foolish. He's not waiting for time. He's waiting for it to be over not for it to come.
The pounding on the door begins. The sounds of a heavy object hitting against the wood door is soft to Changmin's ears. It's like the sound of someone tapping their foot. It's quiet. It's not loud at all. There's more yelling now. He could faintly hear the others saying something along the lines of "Changmin, open the door!"
He lets out a long sigh. Why can't they understand that he just wants to be alone? To think or not think and just escape. He's not going to kill himself or anything. He's not emotional. He's very smart. Kibum even said so.
You praised me Bummie. I was smiling like crazy when you did that. I'm smiling right now too just remembering that day. But it's sad. You're so smart yet you never noticed my feelings for you. Or if you did, you were really good at not showing it. I'm pretty sure everyone else knows that I love you. I wonder if I ever told you that I love you. I know I said I like you a lot and maybe the occasionally I love you but that was when we were bantering and being sarcastic. I wonder if I ever said it to you sincerely.
"Changmin, we're breaking down the door. Step away from the door okay?"
Changmin heard Yunho's voice loud and clear. He leaned against the window, still not moving or allowing himself to sleep. There's no point. The others will be here soon. He had no place to go. He couldn't jump out the window. He'd fall to his death and he had to be there for Kibum on his wedding day. Kibum had asked him to come and he will. He would never let Kibum down. Never.
Changmin felt a gust of wind in the room. This was odd because none of the windows were opened. He could feel the vibrations of a mob coming at him from under his body. All the sounds and lights mixed together for him. He doesn't know how but he's glad for it. He could hear Leeteuk hyung panicking. He could hear Jaejoong hyung crying. He could hear Heechul hyung barking orders. He could hear Yunho hyung trying to comfort Jaejoong hyung. He could hear Kangin talking to someone on his phone.
He didn't understand why they were all like his. He was just lying on the floor with his forehead against the window, looking out at the city. He didn't do anything wrong.
"Changmin ah?"
Changmin slowly turned to soft voice calling for him. It was Hankyung hyung.
"Hankyung hyung. Hi!" He smiled brightly at his hyung.
His hyung smiled back at him but it was a sad smile. Changmin pouted and poked his hyung's cheek.
"Why are you sad hyung?"
"It's nothing. I'm going to carry you okay Minnie? Can you wrap your arms around my neck and hold on tightly?"
"Why?" Changmin didn't understand but he did as his hyung asked him to anyways.
"You don't know what happened do you?" Hankyung asked softly, scooping Changmin in his arms and standing up.
"No. What happened? Tell me."
"We're going somewhere okay Minnie. It's boring to be in here."
"Aw but I wanted to look at the city at night. "
"You can still do that in the car. I'll even let you use me as your human pillow and you can lean against me in the van okay?"
"Really?" Changmin's eyes sparkled and twinkled in the dark.
"As long as you promise to hold onto me and do as I say."
"Okay Hannie!" Changmin wrapped his arms tighter around Hankyung's neck. He rested his head in the crook of Hankyung's neck and kicked his legs back and forth like a little kid.
They headed downstairs and boarded the van.
"Where are we going?"
"To the hospital."
"Why? Who got hurt?"
Hankyung shushed the panicking boy down. "No one did Minnie. We're just going for a check up and to see a friend."
"Oh okay." Changmin cheered, settling himself into Hankyung's lap once they sat down in the van.
Changmin looked out the window. Sitting in a moving van made the city a lot prettier to look at. Everything were blurs moving so fast. It was funny. When the van stopped at a red light, Changmin looked at Hankyung. He was the calmest out of everyone else. The rest were breaking down and crying. He was the only one that's not crying.
Changmin really liked Hannie hyung. Hannie would always cook for him and help him whenever he needed it. He had even taught Changmin mandarin and they'd have simple conversations in mandarin and annoy everyone else who didn't understand with it. At one point the others had taken after Heechul and yelled at them "You're in Korea, speak Korean!"
Changmin giggled at the memory. Hankyung smiled a sweet smile at him when he caught him giggling. Changmin took Hankyung's face in his hands and started to play with his cheeks.
"Hyung, you're the best you know that?"
Hankyung laughed and shook his head.
Changmin giggled and wrapped his arms around Hankyung's neck again. He stopped giggling when he noticed that his hyung's shirt was wet. It wasn't water. It was a bit thicker than that.
"HYUNG! YOU'RE BLEEDING!" Changmin screamed, hands desperately wiping Hankyung's shirt and pressing down on his torso to stop the bleeding.
"Changmin ah, it's okay. It's just paint, you can calm down. How about you sleep for a bit and when we get to the hospital, I'll wake you up, okay?'
"But-"
"Please?" Hankyung pleaded, pulling his best cute face he could muster.
Changmin "Awwed" and nodded his head.
"Only because you're Hannie." Changmin hooked his arms back around Hankyung's neck and leaned against his shoulder. He was really worried about his hyung. It didn't look like paint to him but his hyung said it was and Hannie hyung had never lied to him before. He knew he could trust Hannie hyung so he did.
As promised, Changmin closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He couldn't though. His thoughts kept going back to Kibum. He heard soft singing. Cracking an eye open, he saw Hankyung singing to him. Smiling Changmin forced his mind to relax and give into the sweet melody. He could gradually hear the others joining in and singing him a lullaby.
Finally he let himself fall asleep and let life happen.
He didn't notice the tears that landed on his shirt. He didn't hear the soft sniffling of his hyung. He didn't see the tears that Hankyung was shedding because of him. Most of all he didn't remember when he woke up.
Being asleep, life didn't happen for him. But because he's asleep, he didn't know it.
-x-
A/N: My challenge fic for neoragobang. The original had so many mistakes in it. I totally forgot about it and didn’t edit it thoroughly.
Comments are welcomed~♥
Author: sbluesnow
Pairing: Kibum x Changmin, Hankyung x Changmin
Others: Heechul, Leeteuk, Jaejoong, Kangin, Yunho, Go Ara
Summary: Fantasies are made of dreams. Sweet dreams that let you travel the world and the 7 seas. To let you wonder and explore. To let you look for something and hold on once you've found it. That doesn't mean that you can hold onto it though.
-x-
You dream of him.
You yearn for him.
You crave for him.
You smile for him.
You laugh for him.
You love because of him.
You know he feels the same way for you as you do for him.
You're perfect for each other.
You look down at the invitation in your hand and you see the words:
Please celebrate with us the freshness of new life and new love as we,
Kim Kibum
and
Shim Changmin
exchange wedding vows on November 16, 2009 at 5:00 PM.
The card is beautiful. It's simple and neatly folded and perfectly cut.
You can imagine what will happen on that day.
"Do you, Kim Kibum, wish to take Shim Changmin as your lawfully wedded husband?"
As he stares into your eyes, and looks into your soul, your heart is pounding so hard against your rib cage it hurts to breathe; you can see the love in his eyes for you.
"I do."
He says at lasts and smiles the breath taking smile that made your heart beat again.
He leans into you and kisses you.
You can hear the crowd cheering and laughing.
You can imagine it ever so clearly.
Looking back at the card, your finger traces the elegant silver writing.
Please celebrate with us the freshness of new life and new love as we,
Kim Kibum
and
Go Ara
exchange wedding vows on November 16, 2009 at 5:00 PM.
Your eyes stare at the name under Kibum's. It's not yours. This invitation isn't yours. Your anger rises and you feel the want to rip the card to shreds but you don't. You'd regret it later.
You have to attend this wedding. You're invited. You're invited to go to the wedding by the love of your life. A man who is in love with a woman who loves him just as much as he loves her.
The pain hurts. You've always wondered how long you could delude yourself of the truth. To hide in your fantasies and live your dream out in your mind. To possibly make it a reality and not just a fantasy.
Now it's too late. You've lost your chance. You've never had one to begin with. It's always been a one-sided love.
Always. And always will be but that never seems to be enough. There isn’t enough of anything in this world. There isn’t enough food. There isn’t enough jobs. There isn’t enough money. There isn’t enough sleep.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
He doesn't want to sleep. The more he sleeps, the more he dreams. The more he dreams, the more he misses. The more he misses, the more his heart dies.
It's always been Kibum and Changmin. Not Kibum and Ara. The years they've spent together, their childhood, everything is a blur. What Changmin treasures and holds dear to his heart means nothing but the past to Kibum.
He's not stupid. He knows exactly what he's doing. Shim Changmin, age 22, single and in love with one person. One man who sees him nothing more as his best friend. His childhood friend. His brother. His family. He hates what he has become. A man who doesn't want to give up the last piece of his life.
Love is selfless. A person should be satisfied as long as the person they love is happy.
Love is equal. Love doesn't see gender or race. The feeling is the same.
Love is tears. He's shed too many over Kibum. He's shed too many tears over himself. He's shed too many tears over his life.
He's been in love with Kibum for years. He doesn't know when exactly but it could be around the time they were 10. That's more than half his life ago. To give up Kibum, means giving up his life.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
Kibum had always joked and said that he couldn't sleep properly without a hug from him. Changmin just laughed and would one-touch Kibum. The older man never knew how true his words were.
The feeling of being in those arms, the warmth and the concern, it made Changmin feel like he could conquer the world as long as Kibum was by his side. That's no longer the case. Ara is by his side. His wife is by his side. He, the best friend is by the sidelines, doing nothing but watching Kibum step out of his life and walk away.
Never mind sleep. Sleep is nothing to him now. It's meaningless. What's the point of going to sleep when you wake up to an empty bed? To an empty room? To an empty house? The smile that he wishes to see every day, the banter that he goes through every morning as soon as he wakes up, the loving eyes that genuinely care for him no longer belong to him.
Changmin could feel his eyes closing from the lack of sleep. His body was tired and hungry from not eating for days but he didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.
There were voices outside in the hallway. He made no sound. He sat on the floor and leaned against the window. The darkness suited him fine. The lights from outside were bright but they didn't reach him. Everything lost its color. The people on the streets were blobs of black, moving slowly to him.
Someone was knocking on his door. He didn't even bother to answer or look at it. His eyes looked over the city, taking in the shadows. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass and forced his eyes to stay open.
The knocking on the door increased. The words, or what he thinks are words, are pleading for him to open the door. Changmin blinked his tired droopy eyes and breathed in a shallow breath. He wonders what it would be like if he could sleep. If he could be in a fantasy world and live out his fairy tale. He could be married to Kibum and they'd live together in Seoul with Mandoongie and their little boy that they've adopted. Kibum would be an actor and he would be running their little shop of knick knacks. Life would be perfect. It would be the complete opposite of his reality.
Or he could be an angel! He'd be from heaven, choosing to fail his first mission and get sent down to Earth to find his "One". He'd be wandering the streets, taking in all of Seoul and what it has to offer. When the sun is setting, he'd walk into the shadier part of Seoul and a little voice would catch his attention. He'd go into the dark alley and see what it is. No matter how scared he'd be, he'd still go. He'd find a cute little white dog and name it Mandoongie. He'd carry the hurt puppy in his arms and walk out of the alley. Then a group of gangsters would block his way and try to have their way with him. This would be when Kibum, his prince would come to his rescue.
It would be ironic wouldn't it? An angel being sent down to Earth to complete his mission and find the human he’s supposed to help only to be helped and saved by that human.
He'd fall in love and lose his wings. He'd be okay with that as long as he and Kibum are together. Anything is okay as long as he could have Kibum for himself. The world could be ending or Heechul had taken over the world, and he wouldn't give a damn as long as Kibum is his.
Heechul is one of his closest hyungs who care for him like family. Along with Jaejoong hyung, Yunho hyung, Leeteuk hyung, Kangin hyung, Hankyung hyung and many others. He has a lot of people who love him but Kibum's love is the one he wants.
The voices get louder outside his bedroom door. There's screaming and yelling now. His ears are hurting from the high pitch screaming. Changmin shook his head and pressed his forehead harder against the window. The spot is no longer cold. It's warm now.
Time changes everything. When a person sleeps, so many things can happen in life. A love one could die, someone they know could win a lottery, someone could be getting married, someone could be giving birth, anything could happen. It's scary really. Time doesn't wait for anyone. Those who choose to wait for time is foolish. Changmin doesn't think of himself that way though. He's not being foolish. He's not waiting for time. He's waiting for it to be over not for it to come.
The pounding on the door begins. The sounds of a heavy object hitting against the wood door is soft to Changmin's ears. It's like the sound of someone tapping their foot. It's quiet. It's not loud at all. There's more yelling now. He could faintly hear the others saying something along the lines of "Changmin, open the door!"
He lets out a long sigh. Why can't they understand that he just wants to be alone? To think or not think and just escape. He's not going to kill himself or anything. He's not emotional. He's very smart. Kibum even said so.
You praised me Bummie. I was smiling like crazy when you did that. I'm smiling right now too just remembering that day. But it's sad. You're so smart yet you never noticed my feelings for you. Or if you did, you were really good at not showing it. I'm pretty sure everyone else knows that I love you. I wonder if I ever told you that I love you. I know I said I like you a lot and maybe the occasionally I love you but that was when we were bantering and being sarcastic. I wonder if I ever said it to you sincerely.
"Changmin, we're breaking down the door. Step away from the door okay?"
Changmin heard Yunho's voice loud and clear. He leaned against the window, still not moving or allowing himself to sleep. There's no point. The others will be here soon. He had no place to go. He couldn't jump out the window. He'd fall to his death and he had to be there for Kibum on his wedding day. Kibum had asked him to come and he will. He would never let Kibum down. Never.
Changmin felt a gust of wind in the room. This was odd because none of the windows were opened. He could feel the vibrations of a mob coming at him from under his body. All the sounds and lights mixed together for him. He doesn't know how but he's glad for it. He could hear Leeteuk hyung panicking. He could hear Jaejoong hyung crying. He could hear Heechul hyung barking orders. He could hear Yunho hyung trying to comfort Jaejoong hyung. He could hear Kangin talking to someone on his phone.
He didn't understand why they were all like his. He was just lying on the floor with his forehead against the window, looking out at the city. He didn't do anything wrong.
"Changmin ah?"
Changmin slowly turned to soft voice calling for him. It was Hankyung hyung.
"Hankyung hyung. Hi!" He smiled brightly at his hyung.
His hyung smiled back at him but it was a sad smile. Changmin pouted and poked his hyung's cheek.
"Why are you sad hyung?"
"It's nothing. I'm going to carry you okay Minnie? Can you wrap your arms around my neck and hold on tightly?"
"Why?" Changmin didn't understand but he did as his hyung asked him to anyways.
"You don't know what happened do you?" Hankyung asked softly, scooping Changmin in his arms and standing up.
"No. What happened? Tell me."
"We're going somewhere okay Minnie. It's boring to be in here."
"Aw but I wanted to look at the city at night. "
"You can still do that in the car. I'll even let you use me as your human pillow and you can lean against me in the van okay?"
"Really?" Changmin's eyes sparkled and twinkled in the dark.
"As long as you promise to hold onto me and do as I say."
"Okay Hannie!" Changmin wrapped his arms tighter around Hankyung's neck. He rested his head in the crook of Hankyung's neck and kicked his legs back and forth like a little kid.
They headed downstairs and boarded the van.
"Where are we going?"
"To the hospital."
"Why? Who got hurt?"
Hankyung shushed the panicking boy down. "No one did Minnie. We're just going for a check up and to see a friend."
"Oh okay." Changmin cheered, settling himself into Hankyung's lap once they sat down in the van.
Changmin looked out the window. Sitting in a moving van made the city a lot prettier to look at. Everything were blurs moving so fast. It was funny. When the van stopped at a red light, Changmin looked at Hankyung. He was the calmest out of everyone else. The rest were breaking down and crying. He was the only one that's not crying.
Changmin really liked Hannie hyung. Hannie would always cook for him and help him whenever he needed it. He had even taught Changmin mandarin and they'd have simple conversations in mandarin and annoy everyone else who didn't understand with it. At one point the others had taken after Heechul and yelled at them "You're in Korea, speak Korean!"
Changmin giggled at the memory. Hankyung smiled a sweet smile at him when he caught him giggling. Changmin took Hankyung's face in his hands and started to play with his cheeks.
"Hyung, you're the best you know that?"
Hankyung laughed and shook his head.
Changmin giggled and wrapped his arms around Hankyung's neck again. He stopped giggling when he noticed that his hyung's shirt was wet. It wasn't water. It was a bit thicker than that.
"HYUNG! YOU'RE BLEEDING!" Changmin screamed, hands desperately wiping Hankyung's shirt and pressing down on his torso to stop the bleeding.
"Changmin ah, it's okay. It's just paint, you can calm down. How about you sleep for a bit and when we get to the hospital, I'll wake you up, okay?'
"But-"
"Please?" Hankyung pleaded, pulling his best cute face he could muster.
Changmin "Awwed" and nodded his head.
"Only because you're Hannie." Changmin hooked his arms back around Hankyung's neck and leaned against his shoulder. He was really worried about his hyung. It didn't look like paint to him but his hyung said it was and Hannie hyung had never lied to him before. He knew he could trust Hannie hyung so he did.
As promised, Changmin closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He couldn't though. His thoughts kept going back to Kibum. He heard soft singing. Cracking an eye open, he saw Hankyung singing to him. Smiling Changmin forced his mind to relax and give into the sweet melody. He could gradually hear the others joining in and singing him a lullaby.
Finally he let himself fall asleep and let life happen.
He didn't notice the tears that landed on his shirt. He didn't hear the soft sniffling of his hyung. He didn't see the tears that Hankyung was shedding because of him. Most of all he didn't remember when he woke up.
Being asleep, life didn't happen for him. But because he's asleep, he didn't know it.
-x-
A/N: My challenge fic for neoragobang. The original had so many mistakes in it. I totally forgot about it and didn’t edit it thoroughly.
Comments are welcomed~♥