(no subject)
I'm taking this from somewhere else that I posted it, so it's going to read a bit like it isn't so much a journal entry, but yeah...this is crazy. *sigh*
Unfortunately, I need to get this out of my system. Erm, if you're a major pet lover and can't handle negative pet-related things, there is a part of this story you won't like. If you'd like to continue reading, I'll be nice and throw in a warning. Oh yeah, and it's long. Really long. Sorry.
Anyway, onward to my tale...
As some people may remember, I posted something a while back in regards to my mother. Basically, if you missed it, the entire point is that my mother is somewhat of an alcoholic. She really does drink too much, sadly. Fortunately, she really slowed down a lot for a little while. Unfortunately, she has started drinking just as heavily as she had before. That's the main point to consider.
Fast forward to last night (I swear all relates to tonight, honestly).
I've just finished helping my mom clean the bar where she works. She's drunk, so I'm driving her home. I have been pretty sick for a few days, so I just want to get home and go to bed. She starts going kind of nuts. She starts screaming at me about random things. I tried to be calm and told her that I didn't feel well. I then asked if we could please just talk about it later. She then freaked out even more and started going completely crazy, screaming at me about my dog, about my room, about my job, about her credit card bills...everything.
We get home, I try to let it go and leave her alone, but she won't stop. I have this problem, you see, I have a hard time controlling my tongue. I try, but eventually it starts doing whatever it wants. In this case, it started helping me form words. The argument was on. Basically, I ended up not pulling many punches because after 20 years, even I get tired of doing it. I made sure to hit my points, about how I'm tired of always being there for her when everyone walks away and getting crapped on for it, how I'm tired of her taking out every problem she has on me, how we are fine until she starts drinking and that she's an alcoholic and needs help, and about how she's 49 years old, needs to take some responsibility, admit that she's wrong sometimes, actually say she's sorry for hurting people, and stop relying on me to babysit her.
Now at this point, my mom will typically do one of the following things:
A) She'll slam the doors and "talk to herself" in the other room (which means she screams it so that you can hear it, but she's not "talking to you")
B) She'll stay quiet for a few minutes, then come out and put all of the blame on you and deny that she did anything wrong. You are the one who started it, said the first thing, yelled first...whatever.
C) She'll suddenly get sick and/or faint. It's never genuine. She used to do it to my dad before the divorced. Eventually, he called an ambulance and she sprang right up and refused to go with them. It's a great sympathy move though, really.
Last night, it was B. Again, whatever. Now, we move on to today...
We didn't speak at all today. I called her at work to see what clothes she wanted me to wash. And pause.
***Pet lover warning: Unpleasant pet things ahead. I'll let you know when you can join back in.***
So, tonight, as I left to go to the bar to help her...I ran over my favorite cat. She was behind my car, I never saw her, never even knew. I didn't have time to do anything with the body at that moment. I was a wreck, but I had to keep it in and get to the bar. Fucking sucked though. I went to the bar, cleaned, and we left. As we approach home, she starts in about things again. I asked her to stop because I can't handle it on top of my cat. I get out of my car, and I go get a shovel. I take care of the cat business. Now, I'll be honest. I'm a total wuss. I just killed my cat, who is like another part of my family. This was my favorite cat, period. I'm crying like a really big 20 year old baby at this point. I walk back inside...
****Okay, pet people. You can rejoin, but I have to let you in on one little thing. I know, you don't want to know, but if you skipped the previous paragraph you have to know at least this much sad information: Obviously, one of my pets died tonight. It was my favorite cat. Period. On we go.****
I walk inside, a fucking mess, just hoping that as my mother and as a human being she won't say anything. I walk in the door, to find out that my dog has taken decided to crap on his pad. No biggie, that's why the pads are there. She suddenly pops up and says, "You can go ahead and cry or whatever. I don't care. Taking care of the cat doesn't make it smell better in here."
What the hell? Oh, she's not done...
"You'd better look at your fucking schedule and see what time you have to be at work tomorrow so you can take me to get my truck."
Not in a pleasant voice, mind you. It was one of those pissy, mean, "fuck you" tones. I'm pretty beat up, so I don't care. I just say "Okay" and start to walk away to look for my schedule, because I wasn't sure. Again, she acts a little crazy.
"Fine, fuck you, be that way."
She then storms off and slams her door.
Seriously, what the fuck?
I don't understand. This is my mother. Is she really that much of a complete and total bitch? Yes, yes she is.
I can't take it anymore, so I try to get a point across without saying a lot of really harsh things that are going through my head. I tell her that right now, she's being a very cold and heartless person, and that she should try caring about someone other than herself once in a while.
At this point, she went nuts and told me to fuck off and get out. Then it changed to "Fuck you, you had better call your dad and have him help you out from now on because I'm through. You're not going to come and start yelling at me for no reason anymore!" Yeah, no, sorry mom. You started it, again. And then you kept pushing until I reacted.
Finally, it turned into her telling me that I can't go anywhere other than to work, school, or to take her to work. Then she told me that I have to quit school and get another job (for the record, I'm in college and she's not paying for it). Basically, she just kept going for another two hours.
Finally, she's sleeping and I can't even if I try. I'm still upset about my cat and I'm really would like to see how many holes I can put in my wall. I love my mom, so I try to take care of her, but I can't deal with her anymore. She needs help, and I need to just leave, but I'm afraid to leave her by herself because she messed my head up about that when I was a kid. She always said that if I left, she'd kill herself because she wouldn't have any reason left to live. Yeah, I was 12 the first time I heard that. Do you believe me when I say she's not mentally stable? She's really not. Plus, I don't know how she could adjust to life and actually take care of herself. I really do just need to get out because, really, I'm 20..I don't need to ruin my life for her, even if she is my mom.
I stay here because of school, and because I'm trying not to totally ruin my own future like she decided to ruin hers. I think it's time to let go though. I think it's time for myself and my dog to get out.