office au part 1
Title: office au
Pairing: various
Rating: pg 13
Warning:
Disclaimer: not true at all
Walking into his office in the morning, Andrés Iniesta knew that it wasn’t what he had expected when he’d taken the job as head of HR in Fluidity Tech Solutions advertising and marketing department six months ago. He was utterly at a loss to explain how he had ended up working as a cross between an Agony Aunt and UN Peacekeeper: he had a double first in Human Resource Management, he had six years’ experience working in the largest software development company in Europe, and he had shiny plaque declaring him the new saviour of HR in the modern world, he always gave money to the homeless people he saw on his way to work, he was still in contact with his mother and everyone in his hometown agreed that he was a very nice young man.
The ominous card left by his predecessor should have warned him, hell, the fact that his predecessor left without fulfilling his notice should have warned him. The front cover of said card featured playful kittens in little suits. This wasn’t the troubling part, in all honesty Andrés had liked the kittens they were sweet. Unfortunately, he had made the mistake of mentioning this out loud and from then on his work email (For Important Messages Only) was continually filled with endless cat videos, cat gifs and cat printed clothing. Andrés didn’t and still does not get Lolcats.
No, the part he wishes he’d taken seriously was the message in inside ‘Good Luck. You’ll fucking need it. S Gerrard’. By the time he realised how true those words were and that the kittens were an eerily accurate portrayal of his new colleagues, the contacts had already been signed and he’d already bought a new flat in a new city on his own.
Technically, Sergio Ramos was Head of Department; a fact which Andrés felt played no small role in its chaotic. It wasn’t that Ramos lacked commitment or talent, it was more to do with the fact he was in the world’s most dramatic relationship with his PA, Fernando Torres. The entire department was treated to monthly updates on the status of their relationship through the classic method of passive aggressive notes in the staff room followed by screaming in each other’s faces. They also had sex in the stationary cupboard with alarming regularity, which deeply offended the Stationary Manger Luca Modric.
The marketing team was headed up by Xavier Hernández. He was passionate and took his job very seriously. His additional role of Union Spokesperson meant he was in Andrés office fairly frequently. Sometimes their meetings spilled over to the coffee shop. Xavi’s eyes were two different shades of brown.
Working under Xavi were Alessandro Nesta, Ryan Giggs and Ricardo ‘Kaká’ Dos Santos. It was a sorry state of affairs when one half of the company’s second most dramatic relationship, a borderline sex addict and an evangelical Christian were the more harmonious side of the office.
It was the advertising side that caused most of Andrés’ problems. The endless feud between the two advertising consultants was the sort of problem Andrés had written essays on in university. To say that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo Aveiro did not work well together was like calling the Atlantic Ocean a puddle. There was constant bickering and ceaseless petty complaints, Andrés glanced at his old enemy the complaints box and decided he just couldn’t deal with it today. The problem was they were both too good to let go. He felt sorry for David Villa, the new guy he’d put in advertising in an attempt to break the tension. Andrés had lied straight to his face when he’d asked about the environment in the workplace, “It’s a vibrant workplace with some real characters,” he’d said, but then Villa’s eyes had narrowed and this had been the first uninterrupted interview; no screaming fits, nobody bursting into his office to complain about their milk thief conspiracy. So he just said it “But it’s really a very friendly harmonious environment.” David had agreed to join the team; Andrés got the impression his exit from his last job may have been due to personal more than professional reasons, but if that was true, at least he’d fit in.
Add to this the man sent over by their German sister company, a pair of locust like cleaners and a security guard who did nothing but talk about his new baby and beloved girlfriend and you’ll start to understand the pot Andrés was trying to stop bubbling over.
He’d found out in the first month, that the former head of HR had actually run off with a lawyer from upstairs, to experience the museums and important cultural hot points of continental Europe. A task they were taking very seriously if the smiling photos of them passed around on the company email RE: ‘Steven and Xabi’s Big Gay Cultural Adventure’ were to be believed. Andrés wanted to track them down and explain to Steven what a filing system was and how to use it.
However he reminded himself leaning back in his chair, it wasn’t all bad the salary was good; he had his own mid-sized office and Cesc was an enthusiastic and friendly assistant.
It had just been a particularly bad week: the computers had gone haywire leading to the introduction of ‘The IT Guys’. The IT Support department was small, tucked away in the corner of the ground floor the staff overlapped with the Software Testing and Design group. It was run with an iron fist by Gigi Buffon, then his two subordinates Hope Solo, Head of testing and Iker Casillas, head of design. The two people officially assigned to repairing the problem were Joe Hart and Victor Valdés, two people seemingly designed to annoy and irritate everyone in the office. Joe was too loud and a little obnoxious, and Victor was just straight up scary.
However, maybe because he knew his two deputies were useless Casillas had taken to hanging around. Apparently, he’d had a thing with Ramos which led to possessive handsiness on Fernando’s part which led to complaints of inappropriate conduct, but in all honesty that file had become a whole drawer and Andrés had realised nobody seemed to care what his monthly reports said. Not that Casillas seemed to spend much time with Ramos he seemed raptly engrossed in Xavi. Every time Andrés looked over they’d be talking and laughing, what did they have in common? How did they know each other?
He looked over at them, there they were laughing and joking away. Villa was watching Messi who was staring at Ronaldo who was glazing at Kaká who was working. Andrés stood up maybe he could ask Xavi to go for coffee. He bumped into Valdés on his way,
“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Andrés said watching Casillas and Xavi leave the office together.
“That’s no problem; I was just heading on my break now anyway. What about you?” Valdés expression looked pained and almost anxious.
“Yeah, I’m just going to sort these complaints. Enjoy your break.” Andrés said moving out of his way.
“Yeah.” Valdés grunted brushing past.
Andrés lifted the complaints box and carried it to his office. He tipped its contents onto his desk and began to sort through them. By the time Cesc knocked on his door to tell him he was going home Andrés had filed the complaints and started to work on a new plan to promote workplace harmony that didn’t involve firing everyone. It was six in the evening by the Andrés was finished he leant back in his chair and then its back snapped. Andrés looked up to the ceiling of his office and began to mentally update his CV.
p.s. comments are super lovely
Pairing: various
Rating: pg 13
Warning:
Disclaimer: not true at all
Walking into his office in the morning, Andrés Iniesta knew that it wasn’t what he had expected when he’d taken the job as head of HR in Fluidity Tech Solutions advertising and marketing department six months ago. He was utterly at a loss to explain how he had ended up working as a cross between an Agony Aunt and UN Peacekeeper: he had a double first in Human Resource Management, he had six years’ experience working in the largest software development company in Europe, and he had shiny plaque declaring him the new saviour of HR in the modern world, he always gave money to the homeless people he saw on his way to work, he was still in contact with his mother and everyone in his hometown agreed that he was a very nice young man.
The ominous card left by his predecessor should have warned him, hell, the fact that his predecessor left without fulfilling his notice should have warned him. The front cover of said card featured playful kittens in little suits. This wasn’t the troubling part, in all honesty Andrés had liked the kittens they were sweet. Unfortunately, he had made the mistake of mentioning this out loud and from then on his work email (For Important Messages Only) was continually filled with endless cat videos, cat gifs and cat printed clothing. Andrés didn’t and still does not get Lolcats.
No, the part he wishes he’d taken seriously was the message in inside ‘Good Luck. You’ll fucking need it. S Gerrard’. By the time he realised how true those words were and that the kittens were an eerily accurate portrayal of his new colleagues, the contacts had already been signed and he’d already bought a new flat in a new city on his own.
Technically, Sergio Ramos was Head of Department; a fact which Andrés felt played no small role in its chaotic. It wasn’t that Ramos lacked commitment or talent, it was more to do with the fact he was in the world’s most dramatic relationship with his PA, Fernando Torres. The entire department was treated to monthly updates on the status of their relationship through the classic method of passive aggressive notes in the staff room followed by screaming in each other’s faces. They also had sex in the stationary cupboard with alarming regularity, which deeply offended the Stationary Manger Luca Modric.
The marketing team was headed up by Xavier Hernández. He was passionate and took his job very seriously. His additional role of Union Spokesperson meant he was in Andrés office fairly frequently. Sometimes their meetings spilled over to the coffee shop. Xavi’s eyes were two different shades of brown.
Working under Xavi were Alessandro Nesta, Ryan Giggs and Ricardo ‘Kaká’ Dos Santos. It was a sorry state of affairs when one half of the company’s second most dramatic relationship, a borderline sex addict and an evangelical Christian were the more harmonious side of the office.
It was the advertising side that caused most of Andrés’ problems. The endless feud between the two advertising consultants was the sort of problem Andrés had written essays on in university. To say that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo Aveiro did not work well together was like calling the Atlantic Ocean a puddle. There was constant bickering and ceaseless petty complaints, Andrés glanced at his old enemy the complaints box and decided he just couldn’t deal with it today. The problem was they were both too good to let go. He felt sorry for David Villa, the new guy he’d put in advertising in an attempt to break the tension. Andrés had lied straight to his face when he’d asked about the environment in the workplace, “It’s a vibrant workplace with some real characters,” he’d said, but then Villa’s eyes had narrowed and this had been the first uninterrupted interview; no screaming fits, nobody bursting into his office to complain about their milk thief conspiracy. So he just said it “But it’s really a very friendly harmonious environment.” David had agreed to join the team; Andrés got the impression his exit from his last job may have been due to personal more than professional reasons, but if that was true, at least he’d fit in.
Add to this the man sent over by their German sister company, a pair of locust like cleaners and a security guard who did nothing but talk about his new baby and beloved girlfriend and you’ll start to understand the pot Andrés was trying to stop bubbling over.
He’d found out in the first month, that the former head of HR had actually run off with a lawyer from upstairs, to experience the museums and important cultural hot points of continental Europe. A task they were taking very seriously if the smiling photos of them passed around on the company email RE: ‘Steven and Xabi’s Big Gay Cultural Adventure’ were to be believed. Andrés wanted to track them down and explain to Steven what a filing system was and how to use it.
However he reminded himself leaning back in his chair, it wasn’t all bad the salary was good; he had his own mid-sized office and Cesc was an enthusiastic and friendly assistant.
It had just been a particularly bad week: the computers had gone haywire leading to the introduction of ‘The IT Guys’. The IT Support department was small, tucked away in the corner of the ground floor the staff overlapped with the Software Testing and Design group. It was run with an iron fist by Gigi Buffon, then his two subordinates Hope Solo, Head of testing and Iker Casillas, head of design. The two people officially assigned to repairing the problem were Joe Hart and Victor Valdés, two people seemingly designed to annoy and irritate everyone in the office. Joe was too loud and a little obnoxious, and Victor was just straight up scary.
However, maybe because he knew his two deputies were useless Casillas had taken to hanging around. Apparently, he’d had a thing with Ramos which led to possessive handsiness on Fernando’s part which led to complaints of inappropriate conduct, but in all honesty that file had become a whole drawer and Andrés had realised nobody seemed to care what his monthly reports said. Not that Casillas seemed to spend much time with Ramos he seemed raptly engrossed in Xavi. Every time Andrés looked over they’d be talking and laughing, what did they have in common? How did they know each other?
He looked over at them, there they were laughing and joking away. Villa was watching Messi who was staring at Ronaldo who was glazing at Kaká who was working. Andrés stood up maybe he could ask Xavi to go for coffee. He bumped into Valdés on his way,
“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Andrés said watching Casillas and Xavi leave the office together.
“That’s no problem; I was just heading on my break now anyway. What about you?” Valdés expression looked pained and almost anxious.
“Yeah, I’m just going to sort these complaints. Enjoy your break.” Andrés said moving out of his way.
“Yeah.” Valdés grunted brushing past.
Andrés lifted the complaints box and carried it to his office. He tipped its contents onto his desk and began to sort through them. By the time Cesc knocked on his door to tell him he was going home Andrés had filed the complaints and started to work on a new plan to promote workplace harmony that didn’t involve firing everyone. It was six in the evening by the Andrés was finished he leant back in his chair and then its back snapped. Andrés looked up to the ceiling of his office and began to mentally update his CV.
p.s. comments are super lovely