Fic: Even the President
Goddamn I am having a slow day at work today.
Title: Even the President.
Characters: Laurie Juspeczyk, Sally Jupiter
Rating: G, gen.
Word count: 739
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Alan Moore.
Summary: Sally gives Laurie The Talk.
===
Laurie has reached the venerable age of six years old and she deserves answers.
"Mom," she says, one afternoon, while her mother plucks her eyebrows for her. "How do people get babies?"
"Why are you asking me this?" Sally replies.
"When I was at the gym yesterday with coach Cherevin to use the uneven bars, I saw Samantha Gaarder. And she said her pet mouse named Minnie had babies and ate them. So I was wondering. About babies."
Sally pauses with the tweezers, and appears to consider this information. She frowns. "You're sure you want to know?"
"Yes."
"It's pretty icky."
This only fuels Laurie's curiosity. "Tell me." She's grown-up for a six-year-old. She knows what lots of adult words mean, and she can say them without giggling. She does not laugh at pee and poop jokes. She keeps her room tidy. She's a Level Four gymnast. She can handle it.
"Alright, then," Sally begins. "When a man and a woman love each other very much..." She pauses, reconsidering. "...Actually, they don't have to love each other very much, they just have to find each other attractive, and that's a completely different thing. Don't get the two confused, kid." She resumes. "When a man and a woman find each other attractive, sometimes - usually - they decide to have sex. Ideally, they should have sex after they've known each other for a while, as that way they'll know better if they're really compatible or not, and the woman can make sure that the man isn't a scumbag or already married or something. Which leads me on to my next point: lots of people have sex before they're married even if they'll never admit to it, but for the love of Christ, don't have a baby before you're married, or I'll kick your ass... Er, where was I? Oh yeah. When a man and a woman find each other attractive, they usually decide to have sex."
Laurie wonders if she'll need to remember this.
"Anyway, he puts his man parts in her lady parts. I mean, he puts his penis in to her vagina. Whatever." Sally mimes it by sticking her index finger into her fist. "And, depending on the circumstances, the woman can get pregnant. Then, nine months later, you get a baby."
"How?"
"Well, you've seen pregnant ladies, right? During sex, the man puts a sort of seed inside her, and the seed grows in to a baby, obviously. Then, when the baby is ready, it comes out of her vagina." Sally hooks her index finger inside her cheek and makes a pop sound.
Laurie emits a small squeal of horror.
"It's about as bad as it sounds," Sally says, unhelpfully. "Fortunately, it's stretchy. The vagina that is, not the baby. Although babies are kinda squishy, I must admit. They're like little fat uncooked chickens, and I guess they're sort of football-shaped when they come out, to make it easier."
"Why would anyone want to do that?" Laurie asks. She has just had the startling epiphany that the world is full of crazy people.
Sally shrugs. "Sex feels good. It's amazing what people will go through to get their rocks off. And people have babies because children are cute. Well, they're cute most of the time, at least."
"I'm never having babies," Laurie says, grimly. "I'd rather die."
"You were a baby once," Sally points out.
Laurie was a baby once, and she came out of Sally's vagina. She expresses her distaste through the medium of barfing noises.
"Oh, stop that," Sally says. "Everyone is born that way. Even the president. So the next time you see Ike Eisenhower on the TV, remember that he once came out of a lady's hoo-hoo."
Laurie absently scratches the back of her neck, and struggles with this new information. "So, can I have a pet mouse?" she asks.
"No."
===
A few hours later, Laurie sits at the table in the living room. She has a cookie and a glass of milk, and Uncle Hollis has dropped by. He looks a little bit nervous, and Laurie wonders if this has anything to do with the fact that her Dad isn't around anymore. Sally disappears into the kitchen to get Uncle Hollis some coffee.
Uncle Hollis smiles at Laurie. "You alright, kiddo?"
"Today, Mom told me that President Eisenhower came out of a woman's vagina," Laurie states.
"Er," says Uncle Hollis. "Oh."
Title: Even the President.
Characters: Laurie Juspeczyk, Sally Jupiter
Rating: G, gen.
Word count: 739
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Alan Moore.
Summary: Sally gives Laurie The Talk.
===
Laurie has reached the venerable age of six years old and she deserves answers.
"Mom," she says, one afternoon, while her mother plucks her eyebrows for her. "How do people get babies?"
"Why are you asking me this?" Sally replies.
"When I was at the gym yesterday with coach Cherevin to use the uneven bars, I saw Samantha Gaarder. And she said her pet mouse named Minnie had babies and ate them. So I was wondering. About babies."
Sally pauses with the tweezers, and appears to consider this information. She frowns. "You're sure you want to know?"
"Yes."
"It's pretty icky."
This only fuels Laurie's curiosity. "Tell me." She's grown-up for a six-year-old. She knows what lots of adult words mean, and she can say them without giggling. She does not laugh at pee and poop jokes. She keeps her room tidy. She's a Level Four gymnast. She can handle it.
"Alright, then," Sally begins. "When a man and a woman love each other very much..." She pauses, reconsidering. "...Actually, they don't have to love each other very much, they just have to find each other attractive, and that's a completely different thing. Don't get the two confused, kid." She resumes. "When a man and a woman find each other attractive, sometimes - usually - they decide to have sex. Ideally, they should have sex after they've known each other for a while, as that way they'll know better if they're really compatible or not, and the woman can make sure that the man isn't a scumbag or already married or something. Which leads me on to my next point: lots of people have sex before they're married even if they'll never admit to it, but for the love of Christ, don't have a baby before you're married, or I'll kick your ass... Er, where was I? Oh yeah. When a man and a woman find each other attractive, they usually decide to have sex."
Laurie wonders if she'll need to remember this.
"Anyway, he puts his man parts in her lady parts. I mean, he puts his penis in to her vagina. Whatever." Sally mimes it by sticking her index finger into her fist. "And, depending on the circumstances, the woman can get pregnant. Then, nine months later, you get a baby."
"How?"
"Well, you've seen pregnant ladies, right? During sex, the man puts a sort of seed inside her, and the seed grows in to a baby, obviously. Then, when the baby is ready, it comes out of her vagina." Sally hooks her index finger inside her cheek and makes a pop sound.
Laurie emits a small squeal of horror.
"It's about as bad as it sounds," Sally says, unhelpfully. "Fortunately, it's stretchy. The vagina that is, not the baby. Although babies are kinda squishy, I must admit. They're like little fat uncooked chickens, and I guess they're sort of football-shaped when they come out, to make it easier."
"Why would anyone want to do that?" Laurie asks. She has just had the startling epiphany that the world is full of crazy people.
Sally shrugs. "Sex feels good. It's amazing what people will go through to get their rocks off. And people have babies because children are cute. Well, they're cute most of the time, at least."
"I'm never having babies," Laurie says, grimly. "I'd rather die."
"You were a baby once," Sally points out.
Laurie was a baby once, and she came out of Sally's vagina. She expresses her distaste through the medium of barfing noises.
"Oh, stop that," Sally says. "Everyone is born that way. Even the president. So the next time you see Ike Eisenhower on the TV, remember that he once came out of a lady's hoo-hoo."
Laurie absently scratches the back of her neck, and struggles with this new information. "So, can I have a pet mouse?" she asks.
"No."
===
A few hours later, Laurie sits at the table in the living room. She has a cookie and a glass of milk, and Uncle Hollis has dropped by. He looks a little bit nervous, and Laurie wonders if this has anything to do with the fact that her Dad isn't around anymore. Sally disappears into the kitchen to get Uncle Hollis some coffee.
Uncle Hollis smiles at Laurie. "You alright, kiddo?"
"Today, Mom told me that President Eisenhower came out of a woman's vagina," Laurie states.
"Er," says Uncle Hollis. "Oh."