{fic} A Diary's Confession
Title: A Diary's Confession
Rating: PG
Author: scarlet_ember
Genre: Romance
Pairing: HaeHyuk
Summary: Hyukjae is smitten… and couldn't bring himself to talk to Junsu about it.
A/N: RPF as always. [Pre-debut] timeline. For xoxo_nat_xx and her happy birthday wishes. I'm sorry I fail. I tried. I tried.
To you, my diary.
Never in my life have I ever considered myself to be the type who'd get easily interested with a stranger. Never in my life did I believe in love at first sight-for I always thought that there's always a reason; logic, if you say, in falling in love.
I thought wrong.
For quite some time now, I kept asking myself: how in the world did it come to this? How could I not have any reason, any answers, or even explanation for harboring such feelings towards a person I hardly even know? How could I, someone who's been through too many heartaches for someone my age, have feelings for somebody so unfamiliar? It's unfathomable, but reality is that it's happening-and I can't do anything to stop it.
Shouldn't this be weird? Or maybe, I'm just being bored and trying to amuse myself by trying to believe that I actually like this one, specific guy. Sure, I've fallen in and out of love in the many instances of my life, but never in the span of my love forsaken life have I experienced not smiling at the thought of that person the way this one specific guy did-because it scared me that what I'm feeling might be real; real to the point of seriously hurting me when things go awry.
How could I explain this feeling? How am I supposed to rationalize the whole logic of liking this guy without any basis? Have you tried re-reading it? Yes, yes, I know. I had myself double taking too when it finally sunk in my thick brain that I'm getting worked up because of a guy-- A GUY! N-a-m-j-a. I hardly know him, I barely know any other details of his life, yet every waking day of thinking about him feels like a month of falling for him over again and again. I see him everyday, walking the same halls, dancing in the same room, eating at the same cafeteria, hanging out with the same set of people. But we've only exchanged pleasantries and some small talk about dancing. I was always with Junsu and he's always with that female-looking guy most people call Cheol-hyung.
Am I in love? If I am, then why of all things am I praying and hoping that I am not? Am I hurting? Why am I hurting? Is it because I kept on putting myself down and negating all possibilities that he would feel the same? Or is it because reality's starting to hit me like some iceberg and making me realize that one spontaneous meeting ruined all my chances of having him? I don't think I'm scared of what's going to happen anymore because it seems like it's already happening.
In the whole process of me falling in love, I always get over the other guys easily (but that doesn't mean it didn't get tough) because I (however bad this may sound) am always able to find faults, something that wouldn't "fit" in my definition of a dream guy. But not with this one guy, no, not with him. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to put my hands and wrap my brain around the whole idea of him. I can't seem to find any faults, though other people may have found some in him. Is it because I don't know him that long? Maybe, but the fact that I am this affected by the whole thing negates the whole idea of time. This inability to find faults in him all the more worsen the whole situation-I couldn't get to convince myself, no matter how hard I try, to let go before I get in too deep.
I think it's kind of late to back-off, though there really is no harm in trying.
Okay, so maybe things aren't progressing because of time and attention constraint. The guy is graduating and is under some one heck of a pressure for crying out loud! So maybe the reason why there isn't much time given to reflect on his 'social' life is that, though sudden changes in our situation allowed my mind to reject this whole graduation logic. You see, prior to the 'meeting', we talk every night. We do. We seriously do. No matter how busy the two of us gets, there is just no way we're not dropping each other a line. But not this time. I did not get anything from him: no greetings, no talks, no nothings.
Not even a hint.
It pains me though I really couldn't explain why. So what better way to stop my paranoia than to just let it all go? Funny how I'm supposed to let something go and unlearn to love that something that's not even there. What I realized is that it's better to let go now, than to struggle longer when it seems like everything's going to meet on one end?
Let's take it this way: I like a guy. And I mean, I believe I like this guy very very much. I like him for who I've known him to be and who I believe he would be in the future. Yes, I also believe that he's the one I'd need in my life today, tomorrow, and probably in the years to come but who knows if he's the only guy who's like that, right? That guy, no matter how mushy this may get, seem to be perfect-perfect in the sense that his strengths are the ones I need to overcome my weaknesses and my strength would be able to save him from what's ruining him.
It pains me to think and believe, in all it's clarity, that I could give him what he needs and deserves yet I also believe that I am not worthy of him. This issue on worthiness comes from something deep, something inexplicable that had made me come to conclude that this guy, only this guy, deserves the best.
So, I am caught in this predicament when I meet catch-22. I let go of him now, I hurt myself. I hold on and nothing happens, I hurt myself all the more. But what if things get better after I held on? Sure, it'd be good to take the risk, but this is one risk I have no idea how to recover from. This risk is something I am seriously laying all my beliefs on the line and falling down into the abyss would leave me dumbfounded and pained: not of regret, but of experiencing probably the best thing in my life right now all too fast and all too sudden.
It pains me to think that these emotions for him are fleeting…
…because I don't want that, not when these feelings are for, about, and by him.
I'm not really sure when this all began, but once you get that feeling of excitement, regret, and sadness mixed with you spacing out along the way, you know, deep down in your soul, that you're in love. Over dinner, I had this big urge to stop talking and just look at him, watch him eat and take in the day that just passed him by. (But that would be awkward, considering we're in a very public place). I just wanted to watch him (which I did at some point) and I actually caught myself smiling. I smiled because I see this very complex man, filled with such aura that had left me in awe as I try to decode, understand, and mark my comprehension of his abstractness. Right then and there I caught myself like a high school boy talking to his eternal girl crush-- or wait, boy crush, in my case. I knew I was in love. At that moment, I didn't deny it. How? Well, you'll just come to a point where you'll know you're in love when you can sit there all night, watching him sleep and feel like the night is never going to end.
My resolve, that this is nothing but a fleeting feeling, is pretty much like a shifting sand at this point. So I figured, maybe I should just let the fate have its way with him, probably give him what he deserves-- the world, and a sea of fans worshipping him at his feet.
And maybe, just maybe, while he's away with the world, I'll sit here and wait for him to come back.
Or better yet, I just talk to him and let my heart do the talking. Consequences be damned.
Yeah... yeah, that might work. Sure did with Junsu.
**
A diary was left with its pages open, flapping as a gust of wind from the open window of the third floor dance room grazes the room, abandoned by a shaking hand and a nervous heart.
"Hello?"
"Hi. This is Hyukjae."
"Oh. Hey. Wow, you finally called."
"Yeah, uhh, I wonder if you're free? Tonight? For dinner? Or maybe just for a drink if-- uh, if you're done with dinner which you probably are considering how late--"
A chuckle.
"Thought you'd never ask."