{fic} Loving Loyalties
TITLE: Loving Loyalties
GENRE: Romance, Fluff?
Pairing: EunHae
Summary: Hyukjae tries to choose between loyalty to himself or love for Donghae.
Disclaimer: RPF.
A/N: For tees2mai bb because I love you and your works like that.
Many people, including his members, consider him as a very sly person-thinking and doing things that would benefit himself first above all else. They perceive him to be deceiving, never loyal.
If they only knew.
Lee Hyukjae learned at a very early age that putting your whole faith and trust on someone would get you nowhere-if anything, you’ll only arrive to a conclusion that people would take advantage of that trust and you’ll end up shattered and broken.
So Hyukjae tried as much as he can to create this easy going facade that would ultimately protect the real him from being taken for granted. And it has been always like that, for the past few years or so of his life, those “few years” pertaining generally to his life as a trainee and an idol. And given the kind of business he’s in, he wonders why it still comes a surprise to people that loyalty is a big issue to him.
Lee Hyukjae is never loyal to anyone, except probably for one.
As there was always one exception to any rule, Hyukjae decided a long time ago that a certain Lee Donghae would be his exception to the rule.
Hyukjae sees loyalty as something very vital to one’s social life. It meant staying true to that person regardless of any situation. It also meant entrusting yourself-everything you are-to the person because you believe that just as you would die for that person, you will be treated just as much.
Flashback to about five years ago when them Lee brothers dropped by a pet house to let Donghae’s Bada have some R&R time, he promised Hae he’d be the former’s puppy that night. If it were anyone else, he would’ve said “go puppy yourself”, but given that it’s Hae asking the favor, Hyukjae thought he could let it pass. He figured that his loyalty towards Donghae could probably rival that of Bada’s. The only difference would probably be the fact that one, he doesn’t bark and two, he doesn’t wait on Donghae and be on call at every whim. For most times, that is. But he knew that when Donghae tells him to come, regardless of the reason, he’d pretty much let go of everything. And he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He told himself that even if it’s a bad thing, he’d pretty much allow it to happen still, because it happened before; that he wasn’t able to greet the other a happy birthday (he intended to, it’s just that he fell asleep while waiting for the clock to strike 12), and since the other came back from China, all he got was pure silent treatment for one whole week. He thought he was about to die on the third day, when Donghae’s message about practicing at another venue had to go through several people before it finally had been forwarded to him, with the message starting with “Donghae wants to tell you...”. Since then, he swore not to make Donghae harbour hard feelings for him.
He concluded then that absolutely being present in the other’s significant moments (or insignificant even) should be part of what being loyal is.
He wondered too how it’s even possible to be loyal to so many people. He never considered having one too many people to be loyal to, the possibility of having conflicts of interest scares him.
That’s why having to choose one, he chose Lee Donghae to be that one person. The chosen one Though he thought of a certain Kim Junsu as well, after days and weeks and months of thinking (and feeling) it through, he opted to go for Donghae. For reasons until now, his heart doesn’t want to disclose.
So when one day he saw a certain Im YoonA, Girl’s Generation cover girl extraordinaire at a high end restaurant discreetly having quite a cozy dinner with a certain Thai Prince, he thought for a second before trying to be the loyal friend to YoonA’s boyfriend. He doubted that the dinner would be something more than a friendly one, up until the moment cover girl and Thai Prince touched lips.
He knew at that moment that cover girl doesn’t deserve even an inch of his friend-but that’s not really for him to decide. So he thought of telling his friend about it, no matter how much his girlfriend asked him not to. Because regardless of how he promised Kim Hyoyeon to keep mum about it, his loyalty to his friend overrules every promise in the book, and that means not keeping anything from his friend.
And besides, whoever said he’s loyal to anybody else?
When all hell broke loose because of Lee Donghae feeling betrayed and members asking how Donghae found out about the “affair”, Hyukjae chose to once again shut his mouth and act surprised as everyone else. Don’t get him wrong, Hyukjae has a very kind heart, fragile even, and the only reason he actively ruined his friend’s love life is because he doesn’t want Donghae to experience and learn about heartache the way he did all those years ago. Pre-emptive strikes, as he had learned, can be a very useful thing-specially when it comes to the matters of the heart. And after breaking hell, Hyukjae stayed with Donghae and his post-breakup depression. He really wouldn’t call it depression, considering that they weren’t on the other’s room moping around. Instead, they are everywhere-from the third floor of the SM building to every coffee shop known to Seoul, they’re even attending worship services together again, since according to Donghae, “I should’ve always just stuck with you. I could’ve spared myself some heartbreak if I had.” And with that, Hyukjae hardly saw his girlfriend anymore.
One day, when Donghae was kind enough to sleep in his own room since Teukkie-hyung “misses him terribly”, Hyukjae woke up wondering if he probably confuses loyalty with something else, because last night, he wasn’t feeling any of this. His radio alarm suddenly went off and an English song wafted throughout the room. He chuckled as he understood the line of the song (yes, he understands English, he’s just not fond of speaking it) and figured he’d finish this song out before shutting the alarm. The song mocked him, “wake up suddenly, you’re in love.”
It doesn’t bother him, really. When realization hit, Hyukjae wasn’t perturbed at all, he was relieved even. He was relieved that finally he had something else to call it, the things he did, the feelings he felt, made more sense now; because even he’s having a hard time convincing himself that his actions were all in the name of loyalty. And no, Hyukjae’s not gay, he’s still finding women attractive but finds Donghae more, well, pleasing in every sense of the word. Okay, so he partially admits he’s gay for feeling those things, but he made it very clear-he’s gay only for Donghae.
It never crossed Hyukjae’s mind that staying loyal to Donghae would ever be a hard task. It never crossed his mind when he made the choice of Donghae over Junsu, until the time that being loyal to Donghae meant girl-watching and coming with him on blind dates, an encouraging smile on his face as he pretends to agree with whatever adoration Donghae has for the girl. Because if it were him, he’d rather have himself and Donghae watching whatever the latter wants-regardless of how repetitive Nemo and Titanic already is. And the task of staying loyal-and honest became harder with each day. Since in Hyukjae’s book, being loyal doesn’t include missing him just because the other went to pee, or hurt a little when the other flirts with the fans a bit too much, or worse, lusting over the other’s sweat-mulched body during rehearsals. No, definitely not loyal. So he opted to reprimand himself for harbouring such feelings in fear of doing something that would hurt Donghae eventually in the end; and opting to do so mean staying away from Donghae as discreetly as possible.
But he wasn’t able to foresee Donghae noticing that something’s wrong. So he wasn’t able to psych himself on how to answer when Donghae confronted him with a series of questions treading along the lines of “Why are you avoiding me, Hyukkie?”, or “How come you’re so cold and passive?” or “Why don’t you sit with me anymore?” or during that recent performance when they had to hold each other’s hand, “Hyukkie doesn’t love me anymore?”
The last question plagued him and even more so when he came home to a wailing Donghae, to a forlorn leader in the dining room, ”Umma! Hyukkie doesn’t love me anymore! He doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to hold my hand, he doesn’t even want to hug me! Umma!”
The scene before him made him question his lack of loyalty to their leader, because he knew the moment their leader’s eyes spotted him, he understood that hte leader knew-everything about his loyalty to a certain person, and all the complications resulting from too much of it. So he dragged the wailing Donghae to his room and shut the door. He knew with Teukkie being there, no one would dare disturb them.
As Donghae looked at him, half-expecting, half-worried, he ponders what to do next. He was hurting, and Donghae’s hurting. Andhe thought, that if it hurts this much, then it really must be one heck of a love he’s never gonna feel again. So he risks it, because inasmuch as he wanted to be loyal to Donghae, he realizes that denying himself of Donghae (and the sheer happiness of being with him) meant not being loyal to himself. And he ruled to himself as other members have put it, he ALWAYS do things that benefits himself first above all else.
“What the hell were you doing?!” Donghae sat on the bed; pouting, as Hyukjae asked the other.
“You heard me.” Hyukjae never felt more frustrated. There was nothing but silence and he figured Hae wouldn’t talk anymore.
“Listen to me and listen very well. The reason why I don’t want to sit and watch those movies with you is because I go crazy every time the movie is about to end. It means being with you is also about to end because you always run off somewhere after the movie and I’m left alone missing you.”
“You miss me?”
“And I don’t hold your hand because most of the time, I don’t feel like letting go anymore.”
“You don’t?”
“And hugging! Donghae you don’t even know how much I try to restrain myself whenever you’re beside me. And that cuddle time you always do when you sleep beside me? You have no idea how much will power I try to have so as not to kiss you!”
“You want to kiss me?” Donghae gapes at him like a dead fish.
“And and, I don’t love you?! If not being able to do those things feels like dying, then I don’t know what love is anymore. And you may think differently of me after this, and crying like this may seem awkward to you, but trust me when I say that I’m doing everything I can to stop loving you this way and stay loyal to our friendship.”
He sobs, willing to stop himself from crying and blushing. He covers his face hiding the truth he’s just revealed. So much for being loyal.
“Then love me.” Donghae pulls his hands away from his face.
A hiccup.
“What?”
“Love me, Hyukkie. I’ll love you too.”
“But if we break-up, it’ll ruin our friendship. And I want to be loyal to our friendship.” It hasn’t really hit him that Donghae told him he loves him too. He saw Donghae chuckle.
“We won’t break-up. And you don’t have to stop being loyal to our friendship just because you want to love me. If anything, I think it guarantees us both that we won’t break up.”
That made sense.
“Okay? You’ll love me and I’ll love you. You’ll hug me and hold me and watch movies with me and be with me again, right?”
He tried keeping his gums at bay.
“Okay.”
“Hyukkie...”
He forced himself to look at Donghae, prompting the other to continue.
“Can we kiss now?”
He attempted to hide the blush, but nothing’s stopping the other from getting it. They shared one briefly, but it felt as good as anything that Hyukjae considers worth it. They shared a smile. Then Donghae suddenly runs off outside and shouted.
“Umma!! Hyukkie still loves me!”
He laughs... after he blushed furiously at that very public announcement of his... boyfriend. Yes, yes, boyfriend.
He realizes then that at that point, he’s changing his concept of what being loyal is. He thought, being loyal meant promising yourself to make it last, and if being loyal meant loving Donghae and making it last, then he’s glad he made the right choice, his sly image be damned.
Because now, being loyal to himself means doing things that would benefit Donghae-above all else.