warning, rant.
I'm gonna write a rant in here, because this is the only journal I have. I'm no disabling comments but I'm not asking anyone of ou to read or comment on this. It's something I'm doing for myself, and i don't want you to worry or have your day ruined, so feel free to skip.
You know that you cannot blame anone beside yourself if you're in this situation, now. And it's perfectly useless that you get pressure anxiety, and fear to be asked how you're doing and when you're going to graduate. Sure, yo're feeling like a loser because you're left behind, no matter that they keep on telling you you chose a hard school. You hate everybody to know you're basically the only one who didn't graduate yet, and you're ashamed of it.
But, has this feeling that is becoming so hard on you, to the point you have troubles catching your sleep, ever been enough of a reason forn you to put your lazy ass into gear and work hard? No.
I think I have a problem wih concentration, but of the pathologic kind. Skipping tasks and avoiding committments has become a sort of sport for me during the years, but it's gettinhgto alarming levels. I shouldn't be surpised that then, when all the proberbial nods get to teh comb (uh, can you say it in English? don't think so), thinsg fall apart. I cannot expect to avoid respecting my timings and then se things magically turn out for the best. It's like I'm standing before a big earthquak scene and watching my life collapse down, without movinga finger to prevent it. But still, I have the cheek to ge nervous, wallow, feel helpless and sick. That's the point... I know I won't make it for March, and my younger sister will, and I'm so fucking ashamed, because yes, I M one of those people who care about the opinion of the others... I've never been smart and brilliant enough not to. And most of all, it's all my fault, because I didn't get things done when I should have, and I don't, day by day.
I think I never loathed myself life in the past six months, although there have been many good moments (courtesy of me being an orchid and hiding my head under the sand), not even when I was fourteen and I thought I was ugly and dull, like the 95% of the teens do. I was wrong there, and there was people constantly reminding me of it and so cheering me up. But here I'm right, and that's the main difference. I'm right, it's all my falt and I deserve everything that's happening to me, and what is worst, I'm not moving a finge to change it.
If I liked pain, this would make sense, but I don't. I don't like being sad, frustrated, guilty. I'm just lazy, and it's quite a pathetic flaw to get my life ruined by it. I seriously think there's something about me, this inability to face tasks in time and consciusly avoiding them til it's oo late, still being aware I'm screwing everything up.
This doesn't stop me from being a good person, honest and faithful to my friends and my family, although I know the way I'm living my life is not fair to them, taking my parents' money as an example, for starts. I guess I'm just too good at talking myself out of the blame, at least in my head.
And now that I've written this, I don't feel better.
You know that you cannot blame anone beside yourself if you're in this situation, now. And it's perfectly useless that you get pressure anxiety, and fear to be asked how you're doing and when you're going to graduate. Sure, yo're feeling like a loser because you're left behind, no matter that they keep on telling you you chose a hard school. You hate everybody to know you're basically the only one who didn't graduate yet, and you're ashamed of it.
But, has this feeling that is becoming so hard on you, to the point you have troubles catching your sleep, ever been enough of a reason forn you to put your lazy ass into gear and work hard? No.
I think I have a problem wih concentration, but of the pathologic kind. Skipping tasks and avoiding committments has become a sort of sport for me during the years, but it's gettinhgto alarming levels. I shouldn't be surpised that then, when all the proberbial nods get to teh comb (uh, can you say it in English? don't think so), thinsg fall apart. I cannot expect to avoid respecting my timings and then se things magically turn out for the best. It's like I'm standing before a big earthquak scene and watching my life collapse down, without movinga finger to prevent it. But still, I have the cheek to ge nervous, wallow, feel helpless and sick. That's the point... I know I won't make it for March, and my younger sister will, and I'm so fucking ashamed, because yes, I M one of those people who care about the opinion of the others... I've never been smart and brilliant enough not to. And most of all, it's all my fault, because I didn't get things done when I should have, and I don't, day by day.
I think I never loathed myself life in the past six months, although there have been many good moments (courtesy of me being an orchid and hiding my head under the sand), not even when I was fourteen and I thought I was ugly and dull, like the 95% of the teens do. I was wrong there, and there was people constantly reminding me of it and so cheering me up. But here I'm right, and that's the main difference. I'm right, it's all my falt and I deserve everything that's happening to me, and what is worst, I'm not moving a finge to change it.
If I liked pain, this would make sense, but I don't. I don't like being sad, frustrated, guilty. I'm just lazy, and it's quite a pathetic flaw to get my life ruined by it. I seriously think there's something about me, this inability to face tasks in time and consciusly avoiding them til it's oo late, still being aware I'm screwing everything up.
This doesn't stop me from being a good person, honest and faithful to my friends and my family, although I know the way I'm living my life is not fair to them, taking my parents' money as an example, for starts. I guess I'm just too good at talking myself out of the blame, at least in my head.
And now that I've written this, I don't feel better.