(no subject)
2011 was bitter. So bitter. I have always been a quiet person. I went through what i went through as silently as i could. I didn't want to explode and hurt the people around me. At the very least i wanted to implode & destroy only myself. Now that i am here, in this present moment, i can't believe i got through it all. I know it may not seem as much if i were to tell you what it was. But the pain was so real. Biologically i still had a beating heart that constantly did it's job. But i always felt out of breath. I could stare out of windows for hours. I could lie in bed for most of the day and not move an inch, all the time just feeling dead and inconsequential. The best thing was probably that because i did not tell anyone, nobody came to find me. My mum would come in at the end of day and say i have been in my room too long and it's dusty. I would hide behind my bed and squeeze myself between my bed and the wall. Crushed. That was my hug, i would imagine someone was hugging me. I would get 2 hours of sleep a night for days. I stopped heading out & talking to anyone.
I would tell God in my heart that i'm trying really hard to be happier, and that i'm really sorry that i'm not stronger when so many others have gone through worse. Still he helped me through. He dropped the biggest weight off my shoulders even if it hurt so badly initially. I was relieved although what was to come was hard too. I was beginning to realize that every action had consequences and will continue to have consequences so i tried always to put off deciding and making concrete decisions or put anything to action.
My period of coping made me desperately read and desperately try to gain some measure of self-acceptance through any act attaining knowledge. I would go out alone and walk. I still felt the same, i still sat at the same place for 8 hours but i felt like i was doing something to piece myself back together. I was a ghost. I realized that it gets harder from now on. That this hurt is not permanent and it will pass but it will revisit and it might hurt even more when it does. That really terrified me. I didn't want to cling to anyone because i hurt too many people because of my fear and uncertainty.
I learned to let go. Like, really let go. I trimmed so much out of my life. Recently, someone said "Do you know how hard it is to contact you?" and i was genuinely sorry. But i knew that i was not strong enough to have so many people that mean so much to me. Maybe it would be easier if i didn't feel so much. But i can't help it. I do. I remember when a friend described her boyfriend to me and how much he meant to her. When i finally saw him my heart raced, not because i loved him but because i was able to so completely get into my friend's skin and understand what she was saying that i understood what she saw in him when i saw him. At that moment i loved him almost as much as she did.
I am a very tired girl. Very very tired. My legs are tired from all the walking away i have done. My mind is tired from all the rationalizing i've done. My hands are tired, my fingers are tired. Every part, every drop of blood in me is tired. And my heart, she's the most tired one of all. I ask for nothing but a little bit of rest. I know that if i were to fall from fatigue i would wither away like dried leaf. But maybe most of all i want to be able to walk again. Slowly and steadily before i can be brave to fly again.