Getting It All Back - Ch. 16, Pt. I
Shock, I know. This story will be finished one day. Oh, yes, it will.
Super-spiffy thanks to Diane for beta-ing this for me. If the mistakes are still there, it is solely due to the fact that I'm a 'tard. That's the truth, kids.
Chapter Sixteen - Touch of Grey
‘Oh well a touch of grey
Kind of suits you anyway
That was all I had to say
And it's alright
I will get by’ - R. Hunter/J. Garcia
~*~January, 2014~*~
“What are you and Nathan doing for Valentine’s Day?” Tim asks me in that way where he’s trying to ask me something specific, but doesn’t know how or really think he wants to ask.
I shrug, watching Mere chase Sammy through the backyard, bundled up in a puffy coat with a scarf trailing behind her like a streamer. “We haven’t really talked about it yet. Probably stay in, spend time with Mere.”
“That’s what you do every night,” he points out, sounding more appalled than I really think is necessary, “You guys should go out, have fun. Come on, James, be romantic.”
Looking over at him, I sigh deeply. “Okay, Timmy, what’s going on?”
“What?”
“What do you want to ask me?”
He glares, swinging his gaze out towards Mere and the dog. “Well, you know I chickened out at Christmas, right?”
Boy, did I ever. And Brooke hasn’t let me hear the end of it since. She found a ring that Tim bought, presumably/obviously for her, and waited all Christmas for some big, romantic gesture. It never came. I give him a look that says, yes, I know you chickened out and that you’ve been paying for it ever since.
“Right, of course you know,” he nods dopily, a little of the goofy awkwardness he carried around when he was younger coming out, “I think she knows, too.”
“Oh, Tim,” I sigh, burying my head in hands. “Of course she knows. It’s Brooke. Even if she hadn’t found the ring - “
Oops.
“She found the ring?” he hollers, and I cringe, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole, “How - when - how?”
“Damn it, you aren’t supposed to know that,” I sigh, rubbing my forehead in an attempt to ward off the headache I feel coming on. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything. Ugh, Brooke is so going to kick my ass.”
“Well, did you tell her I was going to ask her at Christmas?” he asks nervously, “Because that would be bad, so very bad.”
“Of course not!” I assure him, “I’m not that bad of a blabbermouth. Look, she doesn’t even want you to know she found the ring. I mean, she wants you to know she’s pissed that you haven’t asked, but she doesn’t want you to know that she knows you’ve at least considered it and bought a ring.” Huh. “Does that make sense?”
“Does anything with Brooke ever make sense?” he retorts.
I shrug, unable to argue that point. “Look, Timmy, I’m sorry. God, this is your fault, though! I told you I didn’t want to be in the middle of any of this, and yet, here I am! Smack-dab in the middle. This is just a mess. One that you’re going to fix, right?”
He looks at me blankly. “How? How am I supposed to fix this screw-up?”
I hook my arm through his, smiling brightly at him. Because this, this is something I know. “You ask her, Tim. I know you’re ready, and she’s ready, so do something nice, plan some big, huge thing, and ask her.”
“On Valentine’s Day?” he asks skeptically.
I blink at that, thinking of all the ways that would go badly. “Maybe a holiday isn’t such a good idea. Plus, she’ll expect it then. I mean, not that I advocate torture of any kind, but putting it off until the day after doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, right?”
He laughs at that. “Oh, you’re right. She’ll be livid. She’ll probably say ‘no’ at first.”
“Just at first,” I assure.
“I know,” he agrees, “I know we’re ready for this, and I know she’ll say ‘yes’.”
“Good,” I smile, clapping my hands together, “Ooh, a wedding, Tim! This is going to be so great, I can’t wait!”
He rolls his eyes at me, laughing. “It’ll be huge, won’t it?”
“The biggest,” I confirm. “As if Brooke would have it any other way.”
He looks a little green at that, but to his credit, just nods. “Yeah. Well, okay. Okay, we can do that, we’ll make it work.”
“Yes, you will. I’m happy for you both, I hope you know that.”
“Of course we do, Hales! Why would you think otherwise?”
I look at him pointedly, sighing. “I’m just so wrapped up in my own life and my own problems so often these days that it doesn’t even feel like I have a presence in anyone else’s. I hate that feeling, but at the same time, I don’t know what to do to change it, either.”
“Hey, we understand, James. There isn’t anyone here that doesn’t get why your focus is so devoted to your own things right now. You have a lot on your plate, and we don’t begrudge you that or expect anything from you,” he tells me.
“But you should be able to!” I exclaim in argument, “I’m supposed to be a friend here! Or a daughter or sister! And I’m none of those things right now. I’m just this selfish person that has this world that is narrowed to Mere and Nathan, and honestly, if I could change that, I don’t know that I would.”
He falls silent for a moment, watching Mere pat Sammy on the head. “You know, I feel the same way about Brooke sometimes. Like, no matter how much I love you and Luke and my family, sometimes I just think that if Brooke was all I had, then it would be okay. That I could live with that, happily, even.”
“So you really think that it’s okay, that this is how things are?”
“Yeah,” he shrugs, “I don’t know. I mean, maybe when you find your family, when you know who and what is where your life is, maybe that eclipses some of the other things. And maybe that’s okay.”
I nod, not sure what to say. We sit in silence for a few minutes longer, watching Mere and the dog. He finally announces that he has to leave, and I again assure him that there isn’t a chance Brooke will say ‘no’, and that I still think not doing it on Valentine’s Day is his best bet. We both agree that some things are just too cliché.
“Hey, what about the day after?” he asks out of the blue.
“Day after what?” I ask absently, smiling to myself as Mere lies down, using Sammy as her pillow. Even that dog indulges this child. Somehow, I see her having a huge problem with having a sibling.
“Day after Valentine’s Day,” he duhs me, “To ask Brooke to marry me. Like you said, on V-Day would be too cliché, too obvious, but the day after would be unexpected, it’s a Saturday! That, I don’t know, that could work, right?”
“It would totally work!” I agree, high-fiving him, “In fact, it’s perfect!”
“You think?”
“Hell, yeah,” I laugh, “Tim, think about it, she’s going to be expecting V-day. I could even drop hints that it’ll be V-day. When it doesn’t happen, she’ll probably be livid. But if you do it the next, in this obviously elaborate way that proves you intended to do it that way all along, she’ll love it.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “No matter what I do now, she’ll be pissed at me for at least a small amount of time, right?”
I try to hide my smile, but he knows me too well, and it doesn’t work. So I settle on grinning at him hugely, and nodding. “Yup, I’m sure she will really make you pay when she realizes you aren’t proposing on V-day. She will like this better, though, when she realizes what you’ve done.”
“Huh,” he nods, thinking it through, “So I’ll need to do something big for V-day, right? To throw her off?”
“You’re devious!” I exclaim, shaking my head, “She’s going to kill you. I mean, she’ll feel bad about it when you propose with your dying breath, but she’s totally going to kill you.”
“You said that this was the way to do it!” he protests loudly, “If she’s really going to flip, then you better tell me now!”
“Of course she’s going to flip,” I laugh, patting him on the shoulder, “But it’ll be worth it. She’s going to be so over the moon when you propose. That’s like, every girl’s dream, to be proposed to by the man she loves.”
He sighs, leaning back on his elbows. “So that sounds like you’re talking about yourself there, James. Maybe I won’t be calling you ‘James’ for too much longer?”
“Dream on,” I bite out, sounding bitter enough that I’m embarrassed, “I don’t think that’s coming down the pike any time soon. Nathan and I have too many things to deal with.”
“It’ll happen,” he states confidently, giving me a little bit of the hope that has been torn and shredded on the road Nathan and I have taken, “Give him - and yourself - some time. Fix things first, and you know it’ll happen. God, he worships you. If I was a girl, I’d probably be jealous. Brooke is, you know?”
“What?” I ask, dumbfounded, “Jealous of Nathan?”
“No, of you,” he corrects, “Of how Nathan loves you. Of how he kept it going all those years you two spent apart, and how he can pull himself out of the gutter pretty much just for you.”
I nod, pushing a strand of hair off my face. “We’ll see. He never asked me before, maybe he won’t ask me now, either.”
“You don’t believe that and neither do I,” Tim asserts, “Look, I should get going. It’s true, though, he’ll ask. When he’s ready to be the guy that you need again. The one that you fell in love with a zillion years ago.”
After he leaves, I let Mere play for a few more minutes before calling her into the house. Nathan went to an NA meeting, and was going to go out for coffee with his sponsor afterward, so I go ahead and make her dinner. I’m still having a hard time eating - this no appetite thing is such a dramatic change from the first pregnancy - but I manage to eat an entire bowl of mac and cheese.
When we’re finished, we curl up on the couch together watching one of the Shrek movies. Nathan and I agreed a long time ago that as far as movies that were appropriate for her go, at least we can love these ones, too. Or more even, probably.
“Daddy!” Mere squeals when he walks in the room, “Daddy, Daddy, I pwayed with Tim today!”
“You did?” he questions, dropping on the couch beside me and giving me a sweet kiss, “Hey baby. Did you wear him out, Merry?”
She giggles at that, climbing over my lap to get to him. “Hi Daddy!”
“Hi princess,” he beams at her, winking at me, “Did you have mac and cheese for dinner? I think there’s still some in your hair.”
She frowns, and Nathan and I both laugh. “We decided to watch a movie tonight before heading up for her bath,” I tell him.
“You were just saving bathtime for me, weren’t you?” he accuses lightly, “Now that she’s on that new splashing kick.”
“Oh, you found out my nefarious plan,” I laugh, “What are you going to do about it?”
He winks at me, leaning over me to set Mere back on my other side before sliding his arms around me and dragging me to his side. “Oh, I’ll think of something,” he murmurs, dropping kisses over my neck and up to my cheeks. “It’ll be good, too.”
“I’m sure it will,” I agree, stifling a moan.
“Is it almost Munchkin’s bedtime?” he asks quietly, his hands skating over the slight bump of my belly, “Because I’m suddenly ready for bed myself.”
I giggle, unable to help it. Sometimes I feel like such a teenager around him, even now. “I promised her she could watch the movie,” I remind him, leaning into his touch, “She’ll throw a fit if we turn it off now.”
“Maybe this would be a good time for a lesson in Indian giving,” he suggests, half-kidding, half-hopeful, “You know, promise her something and then bust it away after an hour.”
“Nathan!” I exclaim, choking back a laugh, “That’s horrible!”
“Mommy!” Mere frowns at me, “You’re too loud! I can’t hear Donkey!”
“Oh, I’m sorry baby!” I assure her, kissing her on the forehead, “I’ll be quiet.” She gives me a look like ‘damn right you will’ and goes back to watching the movie. “Guess I got told,” I whisper to Nathan.
“You sure did,” he smirks at me.
“Daddy!” Mere exclaims, glaring hotly at him, “Shhhh!” She holds her fingers to her lips, blowing raspberries against them, and both Nathan and I dissolve into laughter at that. “Hey!”
“We’re sorry, kiddo,” Nathan promises her, “But you’re just being funny. Even funnier than Donkey.”
She looks at him, and I swear, rolls her eyes. “Shh, Daddy!” she yells in exasperation.
Nathan’s eyes are wide when I look over at him. “Did she roll her eyes at me?”
I nod. “Yeah, I think she did,” I affirm, trying to stifle the laugh that threatens to spill out.
“It isn’t funny,” he frowns, “We - are we supposed to let her talk like that to us?”
“Probably not,” I sigh, “I’m just feeling too sentimental about how big she’s getting to get upset with her these days. And then with the new baby on the way, I just don’t want to - well, I don’t know. I guess that sounds stupid.”
He grins at me. “She’s not quite three, baby. I think we have a little time left with her,” he teases me.
“Aren’t the fathers the ones that are typically overprotective and weepy about their kids growing up?” I tease back, “Particularly their little girls?”
“Well, maybe we’ll have another little girl so I can put off the overprotective and weepy days for a little longer.”
I snort back a laugh. “Please, you wouldn’t let Mere out of your sight if you could help it!” I point out.
“Neither would you,” he whispers, pulling me against his side, “But I wouldn’t let either of you out of mine, if I could help it. I like knowing you’re safe and happy. That was one of the hardest parts of being away from you. Any of the times I’ve been away from you, for any of the reasons.” He plants a soft kiss on my temple. “Know what I mean?”
As if I couldn’t. The last year has been a hellish nightmare of waiting to hear from him, waiting to know he’s okay. Luckily I’ve had Mere with me for the vast majority of that time, but it has been more than enough to worry about Nathan’s well-being.
“Yeah, I know,” I tell him, plastering a smile on my face.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - I mean, I know that you’ve had a lot more to worry about than I ever have. I know that, Haley J. I really do.”
I nod, my smile a little more natural and easy this time. “Yeah, I know,” I assure him, and I do. He gets it now, gets how hard this has been on me and everyone else. It’s a small comfort, but sometimes we have to take what we can get, I suppose.
We fall into a silence, but it doesn’t bother me. It does bother Nathan, though; I can tell by the way he starts fidgeting. He sighs, tipping my chin towards him. “I’m sorry for wrecking the mood,” he whispers, still mindful of Mere and her need for quiet, “Bringing that stuff up is probably the last thing you want right now.”
“We can’t tiptoe around it forever,” I tell him, shrugging, “I’d rather talk about it than avoid it. That’s the one thing I’m sure of. I think talking about it will help us, at least to a certain degree.”
He nods thoughtfully. “We’ve talked a lot the last couple of months,” he points out, “Aren’t you worried that it will start to feel like we’re analyzing things to death?”
I kiss him on the cheek. “Maybe it will,” I agree, willing to let things drop for now. I don’t doubt that there will be a point in time when we’ll need to have these tough discussions, but if now isn’t that time, then I don’t need to force it.
“I love you,” he murmurs, pressing his lips to mine, “I love you so much, Hales.”
“I love you, too,” I smile, wrapping my arms around his neck, “I’m so happy that you’re home with us.”
The movie is nearing the end, and Mere is singing along with the Fairy Godmother, prompting Nathan to whip out his phone and start videoing her. “We have the cutest freaking kid in the world.”
“Think we’ll get lucky again?” I ask, smiling as Mere holds her hand in the air like a little diva as the song reaches its crescendo, “I don’t know if lightning will strike twice.”
“It will,” he grins, “You’ll see. There is just no way that we won’t have another baby as beautiful as her. I know it; I feel it in my bones. You’re way too pretty to end up with a non-beautiful baby, Haley J.”
I roll my eyes, but am surprisingly pleased by the sweet words. After all that we’ve been through, every little thing I get from Nathan feels like the world, and maybe that’s one thing I can take away from all this that is positive. Sometimes all of us probably need a little reminder that the small things can be big and important if you let them.
I smile ruefully at him. “I think you’re actually the pretty one, Nate,” I tease, “Those baby blues and dark hair. Who could resist that?”
He bats my hand away when I reach out to pinch his cheek. “Stop it,” he growls playfully, nipping at my shoulder, “You’re damaging my manhood here, Hales!”
I laugh with him, moving to straddle him. Wriggling around on his lap, I regard him mock thoughtfully. “It doesn’t feel damaged to me.”
”Oh, I am so gonna get you for that later,” he laughs, looking pointedly at Mere who is not looking amused by our antics. “Maybe I’ll get you two or three times.”
“Oooh, big promises,” I laugh, wrapping my arms around him, “You know, in a month or two, I won’t be able to lie against you like this. I’ll miss it.”
He presses a kiss in my hair, holding me against him. “We’ll just find other ways,” he promises, “It’s not like I’ll ever let you go again.”
I smile against his neck, nuzzling my lips against him. “I love you, Nathan.”
“Love you, too, baby.”
“I love you, too!” Mere squeals, and I turn my head to find her face mere inches from mine. “I love you, Mama!”
“Oh, I love you, too, sweets,” I beam at her, leaning back enough to pull her to us, “I love both of you more than anything else in the whole world.”
“Me, too,” Nathan agrees, winking at Mere, “Well, you two and one other person.” That last part is obviously directed at me, and he just grins back at me unabashedly. We haven’t told Mere because I figure that once I tell her, the secret is out. Just like it was when Eric overheard me tell Karen about being pregnant the first time. “This is my world, right here.”
It scares me a little that his scope has narrowed this much. I won’t lie - a part of me loves that this is all his focus is, us. But at the same time, I can’t help but worry that it won’t be enough, and that when that time comes, that he’ll choose the wrong way to deal with it. Or he’ll just plain decide that I’m not enough. And it is a ridiculous, unfounded fear, and I know it, but it’s still there. Always.
“Who’s the other person, Daddy?” Mere asks a minute later, and I shake my head in wonder at this kid’s smarts. Does she really need to pick up on things like this?
“You’ll find out soon enough, Merry berry,” he grins at her, ruffling her hair.
She pouts at him, sticking her lower lip out ridiculously far. “No, now! Who? Who? Who? Who?”
“Meredith, stop it right now,” I warn her, “Or we’ll turn the movie off and go up to bed.”
“Mean Mommy,” Nathan whispers teasingly as our daughter huffs her way back to her end of the couch, glaring at me.
I scooch back closer to him, smiling softly. “Yeah, I saved you from having to be Mean Daddy,” I smirk, my fingers playing in the short hair at the nape of his neck, “One of these days, you’ll have to be the mean one.”
“Never,” he laughs, his hands coming up to rest on my hips, “The movie is almost over.”
“Thank God,” I smile, eyes glazing over as his hands begin to wander over me, “Let’s skip her bath tonight, hmm?”
“Mmhmm,” he agrees immediately, one hand sliding under my shirt to intimately cup my breast, “Anything that gets her - and us - to bed faster is fine with me.”
Stifling a moan, I force myself to focus on him. “I thought you might say that,” I smile, leaning forward to brush my lips against his softly, “Mm, the credits are about to roll.”
“Oh, good,” he grins, his hands sliding down to grip my thighs as he moves to stand, “Let’s go to bed, Mere!”
“No, Shrek on TV, Daddy!” she cries stubbornly, “I watch!”
He rolls his eyes at me, and I tighten my grip on him when he shows no sign of setting me down. “Sorry, Mere Bear, but it’s bedtime now.” He bends down and grabs the remote. “Come on, let’s go now.”
She starts crying, but neither Nathan nor I are very sympathetic right now. “Mama, up,” she orders, holding her arms out to me, still sobbing, “Up!”
“Meredith Ryan,” Nathan sighs in exasperation, and I have to bite back a laugh at the look of pure impatience on his face, “You can walk up the stairs like a big girl. Come on, let’s go now.”
She throws herself back on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. “I think Brooke taught her that move,” I whisper in Nathan’s ear, trying not to see the humor in this, not when she’s acting like a spoiled brat. “And our daughter is just bratty enough to pull it off, too.”
“She’s never allowed to hang out with Brooke again,” he states flatly, shaking his head when she starts to cry, “That is so not acceptable, Meredith Ryan Scott.”
Is it wrong that I’m turned on by his ‘tough guy’ voice? Maybe a little, but there it is. I can’t even help myself in telling him so, either. “It’s really sexy when you get firm with her,” I whisper, “You use that tone of voice, and it just makes me melt.”
He growls low in his throat, pulling me tighter against him. “Damn it, Haley J, don’t do this when I can’t do anything about it.”
I laugh, and the sound is so husky and desirable that for a second I don’t even recognize it as mine. He shakes his head at me, pausing in his pursuit of getting Mere up the stairs to back me into the wall, grinding lightly against me. “Nathan, put me down, I’ll get her in bed.”
He shakes head. “Hell, no, I’m not letting you go right now.”
“Mommy!” Mere wails from the couch, “Mommy, up!”
“Damn,” he sighs, his grip on me slackening as he lets me slide down his body. “Damn it.”
I press a series of kisses along his jaw, nipping once softly before scooting out of his arms. “I’ll get her in bed, and be in our room in just a minute,” I promise him, lying a hand on his arm, “It’ll just take a few minutes.”
He nods, squeezing his eyes shut tight.
“Okay, Mere, come on, we’re going to bed now,” I inform her, bending down to scoop her into my arms. “Let’s go brush your teethies, okay, baby?”
“No bed, Mommy,” she cries, her head drooping against my shoulder, “I wanna stay with you and watch ‘nother Shrek!”
“Not tonight, it’s bedtime, Meredith. You’re so sleepy, sweets,” I murmur, pressing kisses to her cheek. “You need your beauty rest, pretty girl.”
“No,” she continues to cry, and I berate myself for not noticing how tired she was and putting her to bed earlier, “Mama, nooooo!”
“Yep, let’s go.” She pats me on the cheek, lifting her head from my shoulder just to shake it at me. “Daddy and I are going to bed, too.” Nathan makes a choking noise at that, and I have to stifle a grin. “We’re all going night-night.”
“I go with you,” she demands, and I can practically feel Nathan behind me shaking his head.
I sigh, carrying up the stairs and depositing her on the stool in front of the sink in her bathroom. “Brush your teeth, munchkin.”
She’s exceptionally fussy tonight, and by the time I get her into bed and she stops crying and falls asleep, Nathan is sound asleep in our bed. Inwardly sighing, I change and climb into bed next to him, even if it is only for a few minutes. I need that; I need him.
~*~Mid January, 2014~*~
“We have to tell them sometime,” Nathan tells me, looking up from where his head rests in my lap, “They’re going to notice, you know.”
“I know,” I sigh, leaning my head back against the couch, “But can we just wait until they figure it out themselves? I like it like this, with just you and me knowing. It’s special this way.”
He nods, taking my hand in his and kissing it. “I’m going to head on up to bed. You coming, babe?”
“In a minute,” I promise, smiling at him as he pushes off the couch, “I’m not quite unwound enough to sleep yet, I don’t think.”
He throws a hard and assessing look my way. “You need more sleep,” he tells me, “And I know you’re still fighting the morning sickness thing. I’m worried about you, Haley J. Maybe we should go back and see the doctor again.”
I shake my head vehemently. “No, it’s fine,” I am quick to assure him, “As soon as the morning sickness passes, I’ll be as good as new, I promise. Don’t worry about me, Nathan.”
“I always worry about you,” he informs me, “You’re my whole world. There is pretty much no way I couldn’t worry.”
I smile at him, biting my lip to keep the tears at bay. Damn hormones, anyway. “I’ll be okay, really. This will pass, and I’ll be good as new.”
Reluctantly, he nods. “Okay, well, hurry up. It feels like we never spend more than four hours in bed together a night,” he complains, “And I miss having you draped all over me, trying to steal the covers.”
I laugh genuinely at that. “I’ll be right up. Let me get water and take the dog out one more time.”
“I’m holding you to that,” he winks at me before heading up the stairs.
His estimate of four hours is more than generous, seeing as how I usually end up on the couch as soon as he falls asleep. I just can’t risk being in our bed and waking him up to one of my ‘special’ nightmares. I don’t think he’d understand, and at this point, I’m not sure that him knowing wouldn’t be more damaging than beneficial. Things are better, but there is still this precarious feeling to them sometimes that makes me extra cautious.
I don’t want to mess this up, any of this. And I’m just afraid that if Nathan knows about the nightmares I’m having, if he knows what they’re about, that it will have him shutting down on me. I can’t risk that, I can’t risk losing him again.
I head up to bed after a few minutes, quietly gathering my things and changing in the dark when I see Nathan is already sleeping. Instead of climbing into bed beside him, like I usually do for a few hours every night, I brush my teeth and head downstairs, sprawling out on the couch, covering myself with one of Mere’s blankets.
I’m so absorbed with trying to stay awake for as long as I can that I don’t even hear him come down the stairs. I don’t even notice he is in the room until he’s kneeling beside the couch, staring at me intently.
“What’re you doing down here, baby?” he asks quietly, the mixture of concern and fear and love that I can’t help - I start crying. Which only makes Nathan look more stricken. “Haley, what the hell is going on?”
Shaking my head, I wrap my arms around his neck immediately as he pulls me into his arms. “Nothing’s going on, everything is fine.”
He pulls back far enough to give me an incredulous look. “If everything were fine, you wouldn’t be sleeping down here every night and you wouldn’t be bawling like this right now.”
I look up at him, nodding wearily. I guess we’re having this conversation now, whether or not either of us is ready for it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“Jesus, am I that big of a jerk?” he wonders aloud, “I’m not bothered by you crying, I’m bothered that for some reason, you don’t even want to sleep with me anymore.” I blink at him in surprise, my mouth dropping open a little. “Yeah, I know about that. How could I not have noticed? Oh, never mind, now I just want to know why.”
“I’m - Nathan, I just have had such a hard time sleeping, and I didn’t want to wake you,” I tell him, and while that’s true, it’s certainly not the whole story.
And we both know it.
“Why can’t you sleep?” he asks sharply, staring me straight in the eye, “Are you sick? Is it - do you not want me here?”
“God, of course it isn’t that!” I exclaim, clambering to my knees to wrap my arms around his neck, “I want and need you here, I really do.”
“Then what is it, Haley J?”
“I’m having nightmares,” I admit in a very quiet whisper, “Really bad nightmares, Nathan. I just feel like if I sleep down here, then I won’t wake you or Mere up.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, dropping to sit beside me, his arms automatically wrapping around me when I climb onto his lap. “What - ah, this is more than evil clowns or the bogeyman, I take it?”
I nod, leaning my head on his chest as I curl against him. “It isn’t easy,” I admit, “These - well, they hurt me, but I think they’d really devastate you.”
“Oh,” he whispers, the word the barest hint of breath against my forehead. “I - I hurt you in them.”
“No, it wasn’t like that,” I assure him, “It wasn’t - it wasn’t intentional.”
“But I hurt you,” he notes tersely, “What did I do? Threaten you, hurt Mere? Still using, I assume. What did I do to you, Hales?”
I hold onto him tighter, resolving not to give him even a second to retreat from me. “About everything, Nathan. About Vegas, the things you said and did, about you dying or overdosing, and oh, God, about Mere finding your stash. And it’s all the same at the end - I just wake up terrified and wishing I was dead.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, his head dropping down, “Fuck.” He tries to move me off of his lap, but I don’t let go of him. “Haley, let me up.”
“No,” I deny him, “Hold me.” I sound like a child and I know it, but I just can’t quite bring myself to care. “Don’t try and shut me out now.”
“Like what? Oh, like you’ve been?” he asks hotly, “Like you have been this whole time when you come down here and sleep, but wouldn’t say a fucking thing to me about it? Yeah, shutting out is your schtick, I suppose I shouldn’t touch it.”
“You’re right,” I surprise him by agreeing quickly, “I do do that, and I know better. I just - how was I supposed to tell you that, Nathan? I knew it would hurt you, and God, I can’t stand that. I couldn’t even stand the idea that you’d find out and blame yourself or retreat from me again. I’m just getting you back, and I can’t risk you again. I can’t lose you.”
“What - damn, I don’t even know what to say right now,” he mutters, but his grip tightens on me, and that’s all I can focus on. “Shit, Haley, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” I tell him, pressing my cheek against his neck, “Because I’ve felt like I’ve been losing you for so long now that I didn’t want to give you any more reasons to leave me. Because I love you, and it’s worse for me if you know than if I have them.”
He shakes his head, looking queasy. “I don’t even know how that could be true.”
“It just is, Nathan,” I tell him, my tone pleading for him to understand, begging him to let it go, “I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to make you question me.”
“I don’t!” he yells his promise, “Jesus, you’ve - look at what you’ve stood by me through. Look at everything I’ve put you through, look at all the things you’ve done for me, all the times you’ve helped me.” He removes my arms from around him, taking a step back. “Haley, we talk about me being selfish, and I know I am - but this - you¬ - you’re being selfish here! Shutting me out, pushing me away. That’s not fair.”
“I know!” I cry, turning away from him, “I know that. But baby, you have so much on your plate, and this is my neurosis, my problem, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make things harder on you than they already are.”
Sighing, he takes my hand, guiding us to the couch. We sit down facing each other, and to my relief and maybe slight surprise, he doesn’t let go of my hand. “I love you,” he says seriously, “And I know you love me, too. But that doesn’t give us a free pass to keep things like this from each other. Remember how mad you were at me for not explaining things when I left again? It’s worse to not know sometimes.”
I know that he’s right. Of course I do. That just doesn’t seem to make it any easier to swallow, though. “Why does it all have to be so hard?” I wonder aloud, “Why do we keep hurting each other, hurting ourselves? I hate this, Nathan! I hate that I have these nightmares, and I hate that they’re based on reality somewhat, and I hate that even though things are better, they aren’t going away.”
“Maybe you subconsciously don’t think things are better,” he suggests quietly, “Maybe you’re not happy with how they are.”
Taking a deep breath, I shake my head in disagreement. Calmly, I state, “That is just not true, Nathan. Things are better than they have been in a year. I’m happy you’re here, I’m happy that we’re having a baby, and I love you more than anything.”
He nods, pulling me onto his lap. “Want to tell me more about the nightmares?” he asks quietly, his head falling against the back of the couch, “Maybe it’ll help if you get it all out.”
I nod, even though I really, really don’t want to tell him about this. Even though it is the absolute last conversation I want to have with him. “It’s hard to talk about,” I warn him, “Probably even harder to hear.”
“Yeah,” he sighs, “I figured. I’m not quite that slow, babe.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Nathan,” I sigh in return, “But I’m afraid of what this will do to you. I’m afraid that telling you this might hurt you, and that? That is the last thing that I want.”
“I’ve hurt myself,” he notes, rather maturely, “And any remnants of that, that is still me hurting me. Because I hurt you, and that comes back to me. I need to hear it, Hales. I do, I really do, and I - I know this isn’t fair, but I need you to trust me enough to tell me.”
He’s right; it isn’t fair, and it is asking a lot. But he’s also being mature and reasonable about this, and I owe him my honesty like he’s given me his. I owe it to him, and I owe it to us as a couple, parents, and parents-to-be.
“It’s all just…I don’t know, I can’t shake it off,” I tell him honestly. “I see it all, in my mind’s eye, and I replay it in my dreams. The things you said, the ways you looked at me like you hated me, the things you did or didn’t do. The fear that Mere would be hurt. It’s just eating me up.
“They’re about Vegas, a lot of them,” I finish, and the air around us falls so silent, so still, that you could hear a pin drop. It’s eerie, it’s unsettling.
“Yeah,” he sighs, running a hand through his almost too long hair, and I can practically feel him shrink away from me, “You know that I - if I could - that I’d - “
“I know, Nathan,” I’m quick to jump in and assure him, “I know that you’d take it back, make it go away, all of that stuff, but you can’t. And I can’t. I can’t do it for either of us, as much as I’d like to.”
He hangs his head, his remorse written all over his face. “I don’t know what I did,” he whispers brokenly, “I don’t know if I did anything, even! Fuck, Haley, I can barely remember anything I did there, I was so messed up.”
I nod, reaching out to take his hands in mine. “I know, Nathan. And I’m working on living with that, it’s just…not easy. And I’ve never been good at handling the hard stuff, so there you have it.”
“Oh, Hales,” he sighs, managing a smile for me, “Baby, you’re not as bad as you think at handling the bad times.”
“Get real,” I scoff, “I pushed you away, I tried to force myself into relationships that didn’t work, would never work, and when things got bad, I shut down. And oh, Nathan, I’m so afraid I’m doing that now, shutting down, and I can’t. I can’t! There’s this baby to think about, and God, you and Mere!”
“You aren’t shutting down,” he tries to assure me, and I can’t help it - I cling to him. Arms around his neck, ever tightening grip, the whole nine yards. “You aren’t, Hales. This, all of this, has been scary. For both of us, for all of our family. I accept the blame for that, I know it is what I deserve. You, you’re stronger than this. You had the strength to leave, to lead me back here. This, Tree Hill, might not be where I want to be, but it is where I need to be. See, you’re right about that! I know how you love it when I admit that.”
I manage a chuckle at that, holding him even tighter. “These nightmares, they’re so horrible, Nathan,” I tell him, my voice a tremulous whisper, “God, I see Mere, and it’s so, so bad. I - I can’t even tell you how awful that is.”
He nods, and I can feel the wetness of his tears on my cheek. “Yeah, baby, you don’t have to tell me. I’ve seen it, too.”
I hear his words, and they even register, but now that I am talking about this, I can’t seem to stop. “The worst, the very worst one, in that one she’s playing in our room, the old one in Seattle, and she finds a baggie under the bed, and she starts chewing on the pills. And when I come in to check in her, she takes one step towards me before falling down, vomiting blood. I don’t even know if that’s how it works, but that’s what I see in my nightmares. Or I’m back at the morgue, and this time, this time,” I sob, my voice breaking, “You really are there. It’s you, not some stranger that looks like you, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it!”
“Baby, oh, baby,” he sighs, holding me tighter, “That’s not going to happen, it will never happen. I promise you that, it will never happen. I won’t let it. I would never - “
Jerking away from him, I lean back far enough to slip my fingers up over his mouth. “Shh, Nathan, I know. I trust you, I do. This isn’t about that, I promise. It’s some neurosis of mine, just some fear I can’t let go of. I’m trying, I am. It just isn’t working as well or as fast as I’d like.”
He nods as though he hears the truth in that, like he believes it, but I can still see that he’s so unsure. Of me, of himself, of us. It is so hard, living with my own fears and worries, and to have his on top of mine? Stressful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but having to deal with the weight of his burdens, which are great, is heavy.
I pull him to me, and he leans down, his head resting against my ever-expanding belly. “What can I do?” he asks quietly after several long moments of silence, “What can I do to help you get through this?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, “Maybe there isn’t anything either of us can do. Maybe it’s something that I have to work through, something that just takes time. I don’t know, Nathan.”
His arms come around my middle, holding himself to me. My hands are in his hair, trailing over his cheekbones, over his back and shoulders, soothing and comforting him as best I can. “We’ll be okay,” I whisper to him, “This is hard, for all of us, but we’re getting better. We are. You are.”
“You have to get better, too,” he tells me seriously, his cheek rubbing against the thin layer of skin and muscle protecting our growing baby from the world, “If you aren’t okay, then I won’t be either. That’s not fair, I know that, but if you aren’t okay, then I don’t know if I can live with myself.”
“Oh, Nathan,” I sigh, my head dropping so that I can press a kiss to his forehead, lips lingering there, “Don’t say that. Please, please don’t say things like that. It scares me, and there’s already so much on me that I don’t - “
“You’re right, I know that,” he nods, not lifting his head, “But you have to be okay, baby. It - knowing that it is unfair that I’m putting some of this on you, that I need you to do something for me to keep functioning - I can’t help it. I need you better.”
I nod, my fingers tightening on his shoulders when he presses kisses across the taut skin of my belly. “We’re both trying. I think that has to be enough for now.”
“Sleep with me?” he asks quietly, his fingers pushing up the tank top I’m wearing to expose my skin to his lips, “Every night, forever? Come back to our bed, Haley J.”
Taking a deep breath, I nod. “Okay, I think I’d like that.”
“It’ll be better that way,” he tells me, fingers dancing over my skin, lips following in their trail, “I can hold you if you dream. Hold you if you don’t.”
Pt. 2
Super-spiffy thanks to Diane for beta-ing this for me. If the mistakes are still there, it is solely due to the fact that I'm a 'tard. That's the truth, kids.
Chapter Sixteen - Touch of Grey
‘Oh well a touch of grey
Kind of suits you anyway
That was all I had to say
And it's alright
I will get by’ - R. Hunter/J. Garcia
~*~January, 2014~*~
“What are you and Nathan doing for Valentine’s Day?” Tim asks me in that way where he’s trying to ask me something specific, but doesn’t know how or really think he wants to ask.
I shrug, watching Mere chase Sammy through the backyard, bundled up in a puffy coat with a scarf trailing behind her like a streamer. “We haven’t really talked about it yet. Probably stay in, spend time with Mere.”
“That’s what you do every night,” he points out, sounding more appalled than I really think is necessary, “You guys should go out, have fun. Come on, James, be romantic.”
Looking over at him, I sigh deeply. “Okay, Timmy, what’s going on?”
“What?”
“What do you want to ask me?”
He glares, swinging his gaze out towards Mere and the dog. “Well, you know I chickened out at Christmas, right?”
Boy, did I ever. And Brooke hasn’t let me hear the end of it since. She found a ring that Tim bought, presumably/obviously for her, and waited all Christmas for some big, romantic gesture. It never came. I give him a look that says, yes, I know you chickened out and that you’ve been paying for it ever since.
“Right, of course you know,” he nods dopily, a little of the goofy awkwardness he carried around when he was younger coming out, “I think she knows, too.”
“Oh, Tim,” I sigh, burying my head in hands. “Of course she knows. It’s Brooke. Even if she hadn’t found the ring - “
Oops.
“She found the ring?” he hollers, and I cringe, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole, “How - when - how?”
“Damn it, you aren’t supposed to know that,” I sigh, rubbing my forehead in an attempt to ward off the headache I feel coming on. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything. Ugh, Brooke is so going to kick my ass.”
“Well, did you tell her I was going to ask her at Christmas?” he asks nervously, “Because that would be bad, so very bad.”
“Of course not!” I assure him, “I’m not that bad of a blabbermouth. Look, she doesn’t even want you to know she found the ring. I mean, she wants you to know she’s pissed that you haven’t asked, but she doesn’t want you to know that she knows you’ve at least considered it and bought a ring.” Huh. “Does that make sense?”
“Does anything with Brooke ever make sense?” he retorts.
I shrug, unable to argue that point. “Look, Timmy, I’m sorry. God, this is your fault, though! I told you I didn’t want to be in the middle of any of this, and yet, here I am! Smack-dab in the middle. This is just a mess. One that you’re going to fix, right?”
He looks at me blankly. “How? How am I supposed to fix this screw-up?”
I hook my arm through his, smiling brightly at him. Because this, this is something I know. “You ask her, Tim. I know you’re ready, and she’s ready, so do something nice, plan some big, huge thing, and ask her.”
“On Valentine’s Day?” he asks skeptically.
I blink at that, thinking of all the ways that would go badly. “Maybe a holiday isn’t such a good idea. Plus, she’ll expect it then. I mean, not that I advocate torture of any kind, but putting it off until the day after doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, right?”
He laughs at that. “Oh, you’re right. She’ll be livid. She’ll probably say ‘no’ at first.”
“Just at first,” I assure.
“I know,” he agrees, “I know we’re ready for this, and I know she’ll say ‘yes’.”
“Good,” I smile, clapping my hands together, “Ooh, a wedding, Tim! This is going to be so great, I can’t wait!”
He rolls his eyes at me, laughing. “It’ll be huge, won’t it?”
“The biggest,” I confirm. “As if Brooke would have it any other way.”
He looks a little green at that, but to his credit, just nods. “Yeah. Well, okay. Okay, we can do that, we’ll make it work.”
“Yes, you will. I’m happy for you both, I hope you know that.”
“Of course we do, Hales! Why would you think otherwise?”
I look at him pointedly, sighing. “I’m just so wrapped up in my own life and my own problems so often these days that it doesn’t even feel like I have a presence in anyone else’s. I hate that feeling, but at the same time, I don’t know what to do to change it, either.”
“Hey, we understand, James. There isn’t anyone here that doesn’t get why your focus is so devoted to your own things right now. You have a lot on your plate, and we don’t begrudge you that or expect anything from you,” he tells me.
“But you should be able to!” I exclaim in argument, “I’m supposed to be a friend here! Or a daughter or sister! And I’m none of those things right now. I’m just this selfish person that has this world that is narrowed to Mere and Nathan, and honestly, if I could change that, I don’t know that I would.”
He falls silent for a moment, watching Mere pat Sammy on the head. “You know, I feel the same way about Brooke sometimes. Like, no matter how much I love you and Luke and my family, sometimes I just think that if Brooke was all I had, then it would be okay. That I could live with that, happily, even.”
“So you really think that it’s okay, that this is how things are?”
“Yeah,” he shrugs, “I don’t know. I mean, maybe when you find your family, when you know who and what is where your life is, maybe that eclipses some of the other things. And maybe that’s okay.”
I nod, not sure what to say. We sit in silence for a few minutes longer, watching Mere and the dog. He finally announces that he has to leave, and I again assure him that there isn’t a chance Brooke will say ‘no’, and that I still think not doing it on Valentine’s Day is his best bet. We both agree that some things are just too cliché.
“Hey, what about the day after?” he asks out of the blue.
“Day after what?” I ask absently, smiling to myself as Mere lies down, using Sammy as her pillow. Even that dog indulges this child. Somehow, I see her having a huge problem with having a sibling.
“Day after Valentine’s Day,” he duhs me, “To ask Brooke to marry me. Like you said, on V-Day would be too cliché, too obvious, but the day after would be unexpected, it’s a Saturday! That, I don’t know, that could work, right?”
“It would totally work!” I agree, high-fiving him, “In fact, it’s perfect!”
“You think?”
“Hell, yeah,” I laugh, “Tim, think about it, she’s going to be expecting V-day. I could even drop hints that it’ll be V-day. When it doesn’t happen, she’ll probably be livid. But if you do it the next, in this obviously elaborate way that proves you intended to do it that way all along, she’ll love it.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “No matter what I do now, she’ll be pissed at me for at least a small amount of time, right?”
I try to hide my smile, but he knows me too well, and it doesn’t work. So I settle on grinning at him hugely, and nodding. “Yup, I’m sure she will really make you pay when she realizes you aren’t proposing on V-day. She will like this better, though, when she realizes what you’ve done.”
“Huh,” he nods, thinking it through, “So I’ll need to do something big for V-day, right? To throw her off?”
“You’re devious!” I exclaim, shaking my head, “She’s going to kill you. I mean, she’ll feel bad about it when you propose with your dying breath, but she’s totally going to kill you.”
“You said that this was the way to do it!” he protests loudly, “If she’s really going to flip, then you better tell me now!”
“Of course she’s going to flip,” I laugh, patting him on the shoulder, “But it’ll be worth it. She’s going to be so over the moon when you propose. That’s like, every girl’s dream, to be proposed to by the man she loves.”
He sighs, leaning back on his elbows. “So that sounds like you’re talking about yourself there, James. Maybe I won’t be calling you ‘James’ for too much longer?”
“Dream on,” I bite out, sounding bitter enough that I’m embarrassed, “I don’t think that’s coming down the pike any time soon. Nathan and I have too many things to deal with.”
“It’ll happen,” he states confidently, giving me a little bit of the hope that has been torn and shredded on the road Nathan and I have taken, “Give him - and yourself - some time. Fix things first, and you know it’ll happen. God, he worships you. If I was a girl, I’d probably be jealous. Brooke is, you know?”
“What?” I ask, dumbfounded, “Jealous of Nathan?”
“No, of you,” he corrects, “Of how Nathan loves you. Of how he kept it going all those years you two spent apart, and how he can pull himself out of the gutter pretty much just for you.”
I nod, pushing a strand of hair off my face. “We’ll see. He never asked me before, maybe he won’t ask me now, either.”
“You don’t believe that and neither do I,” Tim asserts, “Look, I should get going. It’s true, though, he’ll ask. When he’s ready to be the guy that you need again. The one that you fell in love with a zillion years ago.”
After he leaves, I let Mere play for a few more minutes before calling her into the house. Nathan went to an NA meeting, and was going to go out for coffee with his sponsor afterward, so I go ahead and make her dinner. I’m still having a hard time eating - this no appetite thing is such a dramatic change from the first pregnancy - but I manage to eat an entire bowl of mac and cheese.
When we’re finished, we curl up on the couch together watching one of the Shrek movies. Nathan and I agreed a long time ago that as far as movies that were appropriate for her go, at least we can love these ones, too. Or more even, probably.
“Daddy!” Mere squeals when he walks in the room, “Daddy, Daddy, I pwayed with Tim today!”
“You did?” he questions, dropping on the couch beside me and giving me a sweet kiss, “Hey baby. Did you wear him out, Merry?”
She giggles at that, climbing over my lap to get to him. “Hi Daddy!”
“Hi princess,” he beams at her, winking at me, “Did you have mac and cheese for dinner? I think there’s still some in your hair.”
She frowns, and Nathan and I both laugh. “We decided to watch a movie tonight before heading up for her bath,” I tell him.
“You were just saving bathtime for me, weren’t you?” he accuses lightly, “Now that she’s on that new splashing kick.”
“Oh, you found out my nefarious plan,” I laugh, “What are you going to do about it?”
He winks at me, leaning over me to set Mere back on my other side before sliding his arms around me and dragging me to his side. “Oh, I’ll think of something,” he murmurs, dropping kisses over my neck and up to my cheeks. “It’ll be good, too.”
“I’m sure it will,” I agree, stifling a moan.
“Is it almost Munchkin’s bedtime?” he asks quietly, his hands skating over the slight bump of my belly, “Because I’m suddenly ready for bed myself.”
I giggle, unable to help it. Sometimes I feel like such a teenager around him, even now. “I promised her she could watch the movie,” I remind him, leaning into his touch, “She’ll throw a fit if we turn it off now.”
“Maybe this would be a good time for a lesson in Indian giving,” he suggests, half-kidding, half-hopeful, “You know, promise her something and then bust it away after an hour.”
“Nathan!” I exclaim, choking back a laugh, “That’s horrible!”
“Mommy!” Mere frowns at me, “You’re too loud! I can’t hear Donkey!”
“Oh, I’m sorry baby!” I assure her, kissing her on the forehead, “I’ll be quiet.” She gives me a look like ‘damn right you will’ and goes back to watching the movie. “Guess I got told,” I whisper to Nathan.
“You sure did,” he smirks at me.
“Daddy!” Mere exclaims, glaring hotly at him, “Shhhh!” She holds her fingers to her lips, blowing raspberries against them, and both Nathan and I dissolve into laughter at that. “Hey!”
“We’re sorry, kiddo,” Nathan promises her, “But you’re just being funny. Even funnier than Donkey.”
She looks at him, and I swear, rolls her eyes. “Shh, Daddy!” she yells in exasperation.
Nathan’s eyes are wide when I look over at him. “Did she roll her eyes at me?”
I nod. “Yeah, I think she did,” I affirm, trying to stifle the laugh that threatens to spill out.
“It isn’t funny,” he frowns, “We - are we supposed to let her talk like that to us?”
“Probably not,” I sigh, “I’m just feeling too sentimental about how big she’s getting to get upset with her these days. And then with the new baby on the way, I just don’t want to - well, I don’t know. I guess that sounds stupid.”
He grins at me. “She’s not quite three, baby. I think we have a little time left with her,” he teases me.
“Aren’t the fathers the ones that are typically overprotective and weepy about their kids growing up?” I tease back, “Particularly their little girls?”
“Well, maybe we’ll have another little girl so I can put off the overprotective and weepy days for a little longer.”
I snort back a laugh. “Please, you wouldn’t let Mere out of your sight if you could help it!” I point out.
“Neither would you,” he whispers, pulling me against his side, “But I wouldn’t let either of you out of mine, if I could help it. I like knowing you’re safe and happy. That was one of the hardest parts of being away from you. Any of the times I’ve been away from you, for any of the reasons.” He plants a soft kiss on my temple. “Know what I mean?”
As if I couldn’t. The last year has been a hellish nightmare of waiting to hear from him, waiting to know he’s okay. Luckily I’ve had Mere with me for the vast majority of that time, but it has been more than enough to worry about Nathan’s well-being.
“Yeah, I know,” I tell him, plastering a smile on my face.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - I mean, I know that you’ve had a lot more to worry about than I ever have. I know that, Haley J. I really do.”
I nod, my smile a little more natural and easy this time. “Yeah, I know,” I assure him, and I do. He gets it now, gets how hard this has been on me and everyone else. It’s a small comfort, but sometimes we have to take what we can get, I suppose.
We fall into a silence, but it doesn’t bother me. It does bother Nathan, though; I can tell by the way he starts fidgeting. He sighs, tipping my chin towards him. “I’m sorry for wrecking the mood,” he whispers, still mindful of Mere and her need for quiet, “Bringing that stuff up is probably the last thing you want right now.”
“We can’t tiptoe around it forever,” I tell him, shrugging, “I’d rather talk about it than avoid it. That’s the one thing I’m sure of. I think talking about it will help us, at least to a certain degree.”
He nods thoughtfully. “We’ve talked a lot the last couple of months,” he points out, “Aren’t you worried that it will start to feel like we’re analyzing things to death?”
I kiss him on the cheek. “Maybe it will,” I agree, willing to let things drop for now. I don’t doubt that there will be a point in time when we’ll need to have these tough discussions, but if now isn’t that time, then I don’t need to force it.
“I love you,” he murmurs, pressing his lips to mine, “I love you so much, Hales.”
“I love you, too,” I smile, wrapping my arms around his neck, “I’m so happy that you’re home with us.”
The movie is nearing the end, and Mere is singing along with the Fairy Godmother, prompting Nathan to whip out his phone and start videoing her. “We have the cutest freaking kid in the world.”
“Think we’ll get lucky again?” I ask, smiling as Mere holds her hand in the air like a little diva as the song reaches its crescendo, “I don’t know if lightning will strike twice.”
“It will,” he grins, “You’ll see. There is just no way that we won’t have another baby as beautiful as her. I know it; I feel it in my bones. You’re way too pretty to end up with a non-beautiful baby, Haley J.”
I roll my eyes, but am surprisingly pleased by the sweet words. After all that we’ve been through, every little thing I get from Nathan feels like the world, and maybe that’s one thing I can take away from all this that is positive. Sometimes all of us probably need a little reminder that the small things can be big and important if you let them.
I smile ruefully at him. “I think you’re actually the pretty one, Nate,” I tease, “Those baby blues and dark hair. Who could resist that?”
He bats my hand away when I reach out to pinch his cheek. “Stop it,” he growls playfully, nipping at my shoulder, “You’re damaging my manhood here, Hales!”
I laugh with him, moving to straddle him. Wriggling around on his lap, I regard him mock thoughtfully. “It doesn’t feel damaged to me.”
”Oh, I am so gonna get you for that later,” he laughs, looking pointedly at Mere who is not looking amused by our antics. “Maybe I’ll get you two or three times.”
“Oooh, big promises,” I laugh, wrapping my arms around him, “You know, in a month or two, I won’t be able to lie against you like this. I’ll miss it.”
He presses a kiss in my hair, holding me against him. “We’ll just find other ways,” he promises, “It’s not like I’ll ever let you go again.”
I smile against his neck, nuzzling my lips against him. “I love you, Nathan.”
“Love you, too, baby.”
“I love you, too!” Mere squeals, and I turn my head to find her face mere inches from mine. “I love you, Mama!”
“Oh, I love you, too, sweets,” I beam at her, leaning back enough to pull her to us, “I love both of you more than anything else in the whole world.”
“Me, too,” Nathan agrees, winking at Mere, “Well, you two and one other person.” That last part is obviously directed at me, and he just grins back at me unabashedly. We haven’t told Mere because I figure that once I tell her, the secret is out. Just like it was when Eric overheard me tell Karen about being pregnant the first time. “This is my world, right here.”
It scares me a little that his scope has narrowed this much. I won’t lie - a part of me loves that this is all his focus is, us. But at the same time, I can’t help but worry that it won’t be enough, and that when that time comes, that he’ll choose the wrong way to deal with it. Or he’ll just plain decide that I’m not enough. And it is a ridiculous, unfounded fear, and I know it, but it’s still there. Always.
“Who’s the other person, Daddy?” Mere asks a minute later, and I shake my head in wonder at this kid’s smarts. Does she really need to pick up on things like this?
“You’ll find out soon enough, Merry berry,” he grins at her, ruffling her hair.
She pouts at him, sticking her lower lip out ridiculously far. “No, now! Who? Who? Who? Who?”
“Meredith, stop it right now,” I warn her, “Or we’ll turn the movie off and go up to bed.”
“Mean Mommy,” Nathan whispers teasingly as our daughter huffs her way back to her end of the couch, glaring at me.
I scooch back closer to him, smiling softly. “Yeah, I saved you from having to be Mean Daddy,” I smirk, my fingers playing in the short hair at the nape of his neck, “One of these days, you’ll have to be the mean one.”
“Never,” he laughs, his hands coming up to rest on my hips, “The movie is almost over.”
“Thank God,” I smile, eyes glazing over as his hands begin to wander over me, “Let’s skip her bath tonight, hmm?”
“Mmhmm,” he agrees immediately, one hand sliding under my shirt to intimately cup my breast, “Anything that gets her - and us - to bed faster is fine with me.”
Stifling a moan, I force myself to focus on him. “I thought you might say that,” I smile, leaning forward to brush my lips against his softly, “Mm, the credits are about to roll.”
“Oh, good,” he grins, his hands sliding down to grip my thighs as he moves to stand, “Let’s go to bed, Mere!”
“No, Shrek on TV, Daddy!” she cries stubbornly, “I watch!”
He rolls his eyes at me, and I tighten my grip on him when he shows no sign of setting me down. “Sorry, Mere Bear, but it’s bedtime now.” He bends down and grabs the remote. “Come on, let’s go now.”
She starts crying, but neither Nathan nor I are very sympathetic right now. “Mama, up,” she orders, holding her arms out to me, still sobbing, “Up!”
“Meredith Ryan,” Nathan sighs in exasperation, and I have to bite back a laugh at the look of pure impatience on his face, “You can walk up the stairs like a big girl. Come on, let’s go now.”
She throws herself back on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. “I think Brooke taught her that move,” I whisper in Nathan’s ear, trying not to see the humor in this, not when she’s acting like a spoiled brat. “And our daughter is just bratty enough to pull it off, too.”
“She’s never allowed to hang out with Brooke again,” he states flatly, shaking his head when she starts to cry, “That is so not acceptable, Meredith Ryan Scott.”
Is it wrong that I’m turned on by his ‘tough guy’ voice? Maybe a little, but there it is. I can’t even help myself in telling him so, either. “It’s really sexy when you get firm with her,” I whisper, “You use that tone of voice, and it just makes me melt.”
He growls low in his throat, pulling me tighter against him. “Damn it, Haley J, don’t do this when I can’t do anything about it.”
I laugh, and the sound is so husky and desirable that for a second I don’t even recognize it as mine. He shakes his head at me, pausing in his pursuit of getting Mere up the stairs to back me into the wall, grinding lightly against me. “Nathan, put me down, I’ll get her in bed.”
He shakes head. “Hell, no, I’m not letting you go right now.”
“Mommy!” Mere wails from the couch, “Mommy, up!”
“Damn,” he sighs, his grip on me slackening as he lets me slide down his body. “Damn it.”
I press a series of kisses along his jaw, nipping once softly before scooting out of his arms. “I’ll get her in bed, and be in our room in just a minute,” I promise him, lying a hand on his arm, “It’ll just take a few minutes.”
He nods, squeezing his eyes shut tight.
“Okay, Mere, come on, we’re going to bed now,” I inform her, bending down to scoop her into my arms. “Let’s go brush your teethies, okay, baby?”
“No bed, Mommy,” she cries, her head drooping against my shoulder, “I wanna stay with you and watch ‘nother Shrek!”
“Not tonight, it’s bedtime, Meredith. You’re so sleepy, sweets,” I murmur, pressing kisses to her cheek. “You need your beauty rest, pretty girl.”
“No,” she continues to cry, and I berate myself for not noticing how tired she was and putting her to bed earlier, “Mama, nooooo!”
“Yep, let’s go.” She pats me on the cheek, lifting her head from my shoulder just to shake it at me. “Daddy and I are going to bed, too.” Nathan makes a choking noise at that, and I have to stifle a grin. “We’re all going night-night.”
“I go with you,” she demands, and I can practically feel Nathan behind me shaking his head.
I sigh, carrying up the stairs and depositing her on the stool in front of the sink in her bathroom. “Brush your teeth, munchkin.”
She’s exceptionally fussy tonight, and by the time I get her into bed and she stops crying and falls asleep, Nathan is sound asleep in our bed. Inwardly sighing, I change and climb into bed next to him, even if it is only for a few minutes. I need that; I need him.
~*~Mid January, 2014~*~
“We have to tell them sometime,” Nathan tells me, looking up from where his head rests in my lap, “They’re going to notice, you know.”
“I know,” I sigh, leaning my head back against the couch, “But can we just wait until they figure it out themselves? I like it like this, with just you and me knowing. It’s special this way.”
He nods, taking my hand in his and kissing it. “I’m going to head on up to bed. You coming, babe?”
“In a minute,” I promise, smiling at him as he pushes off the couch, “I’m not quite unwound enough to sleep yet, I don’t think.”
He throws a hard and assessing look my way. “You need more sleep,” he tells me, “And I know you’re still fighting the morning sickness thing. I’m worried about you, Haley J. Maybe we should go back and see the doctor again.”
I shake my head vehemently. “No, it’s fine,” I am quick to assure him, “As soon as the morning sickness passes, I’ll be as good as new, I promise. Don’t worry about me, Nathan.”
“I always worry about you,” he informs me, “You’re my whole world. There is pretty much no way I couldn’t worry.”
I smile at him, biting my lip to keep the tears at bay. Damn hormones, anyway. “I’ll be okay, really. This will pass, and I’ll be good as new.”
Reluctantly, he nods. “Okay, well, hurry up. It feels like we never spend more than four hours in bed together a night,” he complains, “And I miss having you draped all over me, trying to steal the covers.”
I laugh genuinely at that. “I’ll be right up. Let me get water and take the dog out one more time.”
“I’m holding you to that,” he winks at me before heading up the stairs.
His estimate of four hours is more than generous, seeing as how I usually end up on the couch as soon as he falls asleep. I just can’t risk being in our bed and waking him up to one of my ‘special’ nightmares. I don’t think he’d understand, and at this point, I’m not sure that him knowing wouldn’t be more damaging than beneficial. Things are better, but there is still this precarious feeling to them sometimes that makes me extra cautious.
I don’t want to mess this up, any of this. And I’m just afraid that if Nathan knows about the nightmares I’m having, if he knows what they’re about, that it will have him shutting down on me. I can’t risk that, I can’t risk losing him again.
I head up to bed after a few minutes, quietly gathering my things and changing in the dark when I see Nathan is already sleeping. Instead of climbing into bed beside him, like I usually do for a few hours every night, I brush my teeth and head downstairs, sprawling out on the couch, covering myself with one of Mere’s blankets.
I’m so absorbed with trying to stay awake for as long as I can that I don’t even hear him come down the stairs. I don’t even notice he is in the room until he’s kneeling beside the couch, staring at me intently.
“What’re you doing down here, baby?” he asks quietly, the mixture of concern and fear and love that I can’t help - I start crying. Which only makes Nathan look more stricken. “Haley, what the hell is going on?”
Shaking my head, I wrap my arms around his neck immediately as he pulls me into his arms. “Nothing’s going on, everything is fine.”
He pulls back far enough to give me an incredulous look. “If everything were fine, you wouldn’t be sleeping down here every night and you wouldn’t be bawling like this right now.”
I look up at him, nodding wearily. I guess we’re having this conversation now, whether or not either of us is ready for it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“Jesus, am I that big of a jerk?” he wonders aloud, “I’m not bothered by you crying, I’m bothered that for some reason, you don’t even want to sleep with me anymore.” I blink at him in surprise, my mouth dropping open a little. “Yeah, I know about that. How could I not have noticed? Oh, never mind, now I just want to know why.”
“I’m - Nathan, I just have had such a hard time sleeping, and I didn’t want to wake you,” I tell him, and while that’s true, it’s certainly not the whole story.
And we both know it.
“Why can’t you sleep?” he asks sharply, staring me straight in the eye, “Are you sick? Is it - do you not want me here?”
“God, of course it isn’t that!” I exclaim, clambering to my knees to wrap my arms around his neck, “I want and need you here, I really do.”
“Then what is it, Haley J?”
“I’m having nightmares,” I admit in a very quiet whisper, “Really bad nightmares, Nathan. I just feel like if I sleep down here, then I won’t wake you or Mere up.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, dropping to sit beside me, his arms automatically wrapping around me when I climb onto his lap. “What - ah, this is more than evil clowns or the bogeyman, I take it?”
I nod, leaning my head on his chest as I curl against him. “It isn’t easy,” I admit, “These - well, they hurt me, but I think they’d really devastate you.”
“Oh,” he whispers, the word the barest hint of breath against my forehead. “I - I hurt you in them.”
“No, it wasn’t like that,” I assure him, “It wasn’t - it wasn’t intentional.”
“But I hurt you,” he notes tersely, “What did I do? Threaten you, hurt Mere? Still using, I assume. What did I do to you, Hales?”
I hold onto him tighter, resolving not to give him even a second to retreat from me. “About everything, Nathan. About Vegas, the things you said and did, about you dying or overdosing, and oh, God, about Mere finding your stash. And it’s all the same at the end - I just wake up terrified and wishing I was dead.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, his head dropping down, “Fuck.” He tries to move me off of his lap, but I don’t let go of him. “Haley, let me up.”
“No,” I deny him, “Hold me.” I sound like a child and I know it, but I just can’t quite bring myself to care. “Don’t try and shut me out now.”
“Like what? Oh, like you’ve been?” he asks hotly, “Like you have been this whole time when you come down here and sleep, but wouldn’t say a fucking thing to me about it? Yeah, shutting out is your schtick, I suppose I shouldn’t touch it.”
“You’re right,” I surprise him by agreeing quickly, “I do do that, and I know better. I just - how was I supposed to tell you that, Nathan? I knew it would hurt you, and God, I can’t stand that. I couldn’t even stand the idea that you’d find out and blame yourself or retreat from me again. I’m just getting you back, and I can’t risk you again. I can’t lose you.”
“What - damn, I don’t even know what to say right now,” he mutters, but his grip tightens on me, and that’s all I can focus on. “Shit, Haley, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” I tell him, pressing my cheek against his neck, “Because I’ve felt like I’ve been losing you for so long now that I didn’t want to give you any more reasons to leave me. Because I love you, and it’s worse for me if you know than if I have them.”
He shakes his head, looking queasy. “I don’t even know how that could be true.”
“It just is, Nathan,” I tell him, my tone pleading for him to understand, begging him to let it go, “I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to make you question me.”
“I don’t!” he yells his promise, “Jesus, you’ve - look at what you’ve stood by me through. Look at everything I’ve put you through, look at all the things you’ve done for me, all the times you’ve helped me.” He removes my arms from around him, taking a step back. “Haley, we talk about me being selfish, and I know I am - but this - you¬ - you’re being selfish here! Shutting me out, pushing me away. That’s not fair.”
“I know!” I cry, turning away from him, “I know that. But baby, you have so much on your plate, and this is my neurosis, my problem, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make things harder on you than they already are.”
Sighing, he takes my hand, guiding us to the couch. We sit down facing each other, and to my relief and maybe slight surprise, he doesn’t let go of my hand. “I love you,” he says seriously, “And I know you love me, too. But that doesn’t give us a free pass to keep things like this from each other. Remember how mad you were at me for not explaining things when I left again? It’s worse to not know sometimes.”
I know that he’s right. Of course I do. That just doesn’t seem to make it any easier to swallow, though. “Why does it all have to be so hard?” I wonder aloud, “Why do we keep hurting each other, hurting ourselves? I hate this, Nathan! I hate that I have these nightmares, and I hate that they’re based on reality somewhat, and I hate that even though things are better, they aren’t going away.”
“Maybe you subconsciously don’t think things are better,” he suggests quietly, “Maybe you’re not happy with how they are.”
Taking a deep breath, I shake my head in disagreement. Calmly, I state, “That is just not true, Nathan. Things are better than they have been in a year. I’m happy you’re here, I’m happy that we’re having a baby, and I love you more than anything.”
He nods, pulling me onto his lap. “Want to tell me more about the nightmares?” he asks quietly, his head falling against the back of the couch, “Maybe it’ll help if you get it all out.”
I nod, even though I really, really don’t want to tell him about this. Even though it is the absolute last conversation I want to have with him. “It’s hard to talk about,” I warn him, “Probably even harder to hear.”
“Yeah,” he sighs, “I figured. I’m not quite that slow, babe.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Nathan,” I sigh in return, “But I’m afraid of what this will do to you. I’m afraid that telling you this might hurt you, and that? That is the last thing that I want.”
“I’ve hurt myself,” he notes, rather maturely, “And any remnants of that, that is still me hurting me. Because I hurt you, and that comes back to me. I need to hear it, Hales. I do, I really do, and I - I know this isn’t fair, but I need you to trust me enough to tell me.”
He’s right; it isn’t fair, and it is asking a lot. But he’s also being mature and reasonable about this, and I owe him my honesty like he’s given me his. I owe it to him, and I owe it to us as a couple, parents, and parents-to-be.
“It’s all just…I don’t know, I can’t shake it off,” I tell him honestly. “I see it all, in my mind’s eye, and I replay it in my dreams. The things you said, the ways you looked at me like you hated me, the things you did or didn’t do. The fear that Mere would be hurt. It’s just eating me up.
“They’re about Vegas, a lot of them,” I finish, and the air around us falls so silent, so still, that you could hear a pin drop. It’s eerie, it’s unsettling.
“Yeah,” he sighs, running a hand through his almost too long hair, and I can practically feel him shrink away from me, “You know that I - if I could - that I’d - “
“I know, Nathan,” I’m quick to jump in and assure him, “I know that you’d take it back, make it go away, all of that stuff, but you can’t. And I can’t. I can’t do it for either of us, as much as I’d like to.”
He hangs his head, his remorse written all over his face. “I don’t know what I did,” he whispers brokenly, “I don’t know if I did anything, even! Fuck, Haley, I can barely remember anything I did there, I was so messed up.”
I nod, reaching out to take his hands in mine. “I know, Nathan. And I’m working on living with that, it’s just…not easy. And I’ve never been good at handling the hard stuff, so there you have it.”
“Oh, Hales,” he sighs, managing a smile for me, “Baby, you’re not as bad as you think at handling the bad times.”
“Get real,” I scoff, “I pushed you away, I tried to force myself into relationships that didn’t work, would never work, and when things got bad, I shut down. And oh, Nathan, I’m so afraid I’m doing that now, shutting down, and I can’t. I can’t! There’s this baby to think about, and God, you and Mere!”
“You aren’t shutting down,” he tries to assure me, and I can’t help it - I cling to him. Arms around his neck, ever tightening grip, the whole nine yards. “You aren’t, Hales. This, all of this, has been scary. For both of us, for all of our family. I accept the blame for that, I know it is what I deserve. You, you’re stronger than this. You had the strength to leave, to lead me back here. This, Tree Hill, might not be where I want to be, but it is where I need to be. See, you’re right about that! I know how you love it when I admit that.”
I manage a chuckle at that, holding him even tighter. “These nightmares, they’re so horrible, Nathan,” I tell him, my voice a tremulous whisper, “God, I see Mere, and it’s so, so bad. I - I can’t even tell you how awful that is.”
He nods, and I can feel the wetness of his tears on my cheek. “Yeah, baby, you don’t have to tell me. I’ve seen it, too.”
I hear his words, and they even register, but now that I am talking about this, I can’t seem to stop. “The worst, the very worst one, in that one she’s playing in our room, the old one in Seattle, and she finds a baggie under the bed, and she starts chewing on the pills. And when I come in to check in her, she takes one step towards me before falling down, vomiting blood. I don’t even know if that’s how it works, but that’s what I see in my nightmares. Or I’m back at the morgue, and this time, this time,” I sob, my voice breaking, “You really are there. It’s you, not some stranger that looks like you, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it!”
“Baby, oh, baby,” he sighs, holding me tighter, “That’s not going to happen, it will never happen. I promise you that, it will never happen. I won’t let it. I would never - “
Jerking away from him, I lean back far enough to slip my fingers up over his mouth. “Shh, Nathan, I know. I trust you, I do. This isn’t about that, I promise. It’s some neurosis of mine, just some fear I can’t let go of. I’m trying, I am. It just isn’t working as well or as fast as I’d like.”
He nods as though he hears the truth in that, like he believes it, but I can still see that he’s so unsure. Of me, of himself, of us. It is so hard, living with my own fears and worries, and to have his on top of mine? Stressful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but having to deal with the weight of his burdens, which are great, is heavy.
I pull him to me, and he leans down, his head resting against my ever-expanding belly. “What can I do?” he asks quietly after several long moments of silence, “What can I do to help you get through this?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, “Maybe there isn’t anything either of us can do. Maybe it’s something that I have to work through, something that just takes time. I don’t know, Nathan.”
His arms come around my middle, holding himself to me. My hands are in his hair, trailing over his cheekbones, over his back and shoulders, soothing and comforting him as best I can. “We’ll be okay,” I whisper to him, “This is hard, for all of us, but we’re getting better. We are. You are.”
“You have to get better, too,” he tells me seriously, his cheek rubbing against the thin layer of skin and muscle protecting our growing baby from the world, “If you aren’t okay, then I won’t be either. That’s not fair, I know that, but if you aren’t okay, then I don’t know if I can live with myself.”
“Oh, Nathan,” I sigh, my head dropping so that I can press a kiss to his forehead, lips lingering there, “Don’t say that. Please, please don’t say things like that. It scares me, and there’s already so much on me that I don’t - “
“You’re right, I know that,” he nods, not lifting his head, “But you have to be okay, baby. It - knowing that it is unfair that I’m putting some of this on you, that I need you to do something for me to keep functioning - I can’t help it. I need you better.”
I nod, my fingers tightening on his shoulders when he presses kisses across the taut skin of my belly. “We’re both trying. I think that has to be enough for now.”
“Sleep with me?” he asks quietly, his fingers pushing up the tank top I’m wearing to expose my skin to his lips, “Every night, forever? Come back to our bed, Haley J.”
Taking a deep breath, I nod. “Okay, I think I’d like that.”
“It’ll be better that way,” he tells me, fingers dancing over my skin, lips following in their trail, “I can hold you if you dream. Hold you if you don’t.”
Pt. 2