GIAB, Chapter 16, Part II
Ch. 16, Pt. 1
~*~February 15, 2014~*~
“What. The. Hell?” Brooke bites into my ear as she approaches from behind. Nathan groans, almost inaudibly, before pasting a smile on his face as we turn to look at her.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, smiling at her. I’m almost as giddy as I know she will be - and Tim already is, when he lets go of the nerves - and it is really hard for me not to let it show. I’m so excited for her, and I know she’s going to be so thrilled.
“What do you think is wrong? My asshole boyfriend, who buys rings that he apparently deems too good for me, or something, is off schmoozing with his family instead of paying attention to me!” she rants, “And - and! - yesterday was Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day! And all that he did was buy me some stupid pink roses. They weren’t even red!”
Nathan raises his eyebrows at her, and I can see that he’s very close to having to literally bite his tongue to keep the words in. “Listen,” I step in, not needing these two to get into anything today, “Brooke, they were beautiful pink roses. Gorgeous. And there were four dozen of them!”
“Oh, that is easy for you to say,” she grumbles, “You got red ones!”
Nathan and I watch in surprise as she storms off, obviously not ready to quit brooding over her not-quite-perfect Valentine’s Day, even though Tim put together a really nice deal for them. “That was odd,” Nathan mumbles to me. Aside from me, the only other person who knows the real deal behind the party that Tim is holding tonight - which he told the guests was practice for some parties he’d be holding for clients soon - is Luke. He swore us to secrecy, not even letting me tell Nathan about it.
“Ignore her,” I advise him, “Her feelings are hurt because Tim hasn’t proposed yet. She thought he would a long time ago. She even found a ring he bought her around Christmas, but still, nothing yet. She’s tired of waiting.”
We’d started walking, and he stops us, moving to stand in front of me. He looks down, his gaze shrewd and assessing. “That wasn’t a hint, Nathan,” I sigh, looking away, “I was just explaining why you should avoid letting her get on your nerves.”
“Should we talk about that?” he asks, scratching the back of his neck, looking a little uneasy, “You know it isn’t that I don’t want it, because I do, I’m just worried that now wouldn’t be the best time. For either of us.”
“I’m not asking you for anything, Nathan,” I assure him, taking a deep breath, “And I’m happy with what we have. Do I want more? Yes, I do, to be perfectly frank, but what we have is wonderful and special and more than enough.”
“I wish I could give it to you now,” he sighs, reaching down to take one of my hands in his, “I love you so much, but we have got this balance going on right now that just works for me. When I’m more stable, when I would be stable enough to give you everything you deserve, then we’ll do it. It’s when, not if. Always when.”
I nod, smiling up at him as he brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “I never - well, almost never - doubted that,” I promise him back, “And we’ll take all the time that we need. Maybe you’re not the only one not ready at the moment. It would be better if we waited until the nightmares were completely gone. And you know, I wasn’t pregnant.”
He grins. “What if the plan is to keep you pregnant pretty much forever?” he teases, leaning down to buss me softly on the cheek, “What would we do then?”
“We’d have to squeeze it in somewhere,” I laugh, my hands coming up to rest on his biceps, not even trying to resist squeezing them, “You can’t hold me off forever.”
“Wouldn’t even try,” he shrugs, pulling me to him, “You really sure that you’re okay with waiting?”
I slide my hands down his arms to his hands, clasping them in mine. Tugging on him, I get him to walk with me outside, standing on the balcony. He smiles at me, almost shyly, before leaning against the rail with one hip.
“Do you really think I’m not okay with waiting a little longer to get married?” I ask him, searching his face for answers.
“I don’t know,” he admits, “I’ve made you wait so long now, and I know how unfair that is to you.”
“I made you wait longer,” I reason, looking out over the smooth water of the river, “When you left for UConn, and I stayed here, I made you wait that whole time.”
He laughs wryly. “Neither of us were really waiting then. That was different. That was being unable to let go of each other, this is just biding time until we make it official. I don’t want to wait so long that you stop waiting, and move on without me.”
“Without you, there is nowhere for me to go,” I tell him in an urgent whisper, “Nathan, you are so my life. I’ve been waiting to marry you since the day our first marriage was annulled. That was so long ago, and all that time, in some way, I’ve been waiting for it. I’m not going to suddenly stop waiting for this, I promise. It’ll always be here. I’ll always be here for you.”
He opens his arms, and I immediately move into them. He’s my safe haven, after all this time, after all the tears, he’s the place I feel safest. Anywhere that he is, it doesn’t matter, because he’s there. And maybe he’s too much to me, maybe I’ve given him too much of a focus in my life, but I don’t think I could help that if I tried.
“We’ll get married soon,” he whispers against my cheek, his breath fanning against it softly, “And it’ll be pretty and fun and right.”
I nod, content to let him hold me. “We could always elope,” I suggest, giggling a little. “Go to the courthouse with just Merry and this one, and get married.”
“Or run off to Vegas for a weekend,” he suggests, and I know it isn’t until I stiffen against him that he realizes what he said. “Haley J, I was just….”
“I know,” I nod jerkily, backing away from him a little, “Yeah, I know. Of course I do.”
“Haley, stop,” he cringes as I continue to move backwards, “I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean to bring that up.”
“Yeah, I know,” I repeat, turning away to lean against the railing myself, “It’s okay. It just…it hit. It hit me, and I couldn’t stop it from hitting, and I’m sorry.”
“No, baby, don’t do that, don’t you dare apologize.”
I hold my hand him, effectively stopping him. “No, let me,” I tell him, turning to look at him, “I have to get over this, Nathan. What happened, what did or didn’t happen there, it’s over. I need to be able to keep that in mind.”
“I’m sorry,” he says again, moving closer to me, slow and cautious. This time I hold my ground, letting him come to me. “I wasn’t thinking, Haley J. I don’t want to hurt you, that’s the last thing I want.”
“I believe that,” I assure him, leaning my head on his shoulder, “I know that. And I don’t know why I’m being so ridiculous about this. Vegas is where we got back together, remember?”
“Of course I remember that,” he smiles, bending to kiss me softly, “Maybe…I don’t remember being there the second time, not much of it. When I think of Vegas, I think of that other time, with you. And I stole that memory from you. God, this is hard.”
I shake my head, smiling at him. “You didn’t steal anything from me. I have that memory, those days, locked in my heart. That isn’t going anywhere, I won’t let it. That was such a special time for us, for me, and I’d never let it go.”
“Well,” he smiles, relaxing again, “I’d never let you go.”
I open my mouth to say something else when a bell rings out, and someone comes to the door, motioning us back in. We go in reluctantly, slowly, holding hands and smiling at each other like we were again teenagers in the early throes of young love. Maybe in some ways, we were again. In a small sense, this was starting over, fresh. And nothing is fresher than your first love.
Inside, full champagne flutes are pressed into our hands. Nathan sets his back on a tray, winking at me as he does so. Smirking back at him, I set mine down, too. Even if I wasn’t currently pregnant, I probably would’ve set mine down in a show of solidarity, but for now, it is a moot point.
We still haven’t informed the masses of my pregnancy, but I think, for tonight, attention is mostly diverted from us. Nathan does receive more than his fair share of staring, which I know is a discomfort to him, but he has dealt with it really well so far. Better than I have, at any rate. I’m the one who has gotten snappish, told people to quit staring and mind their own business. He always laughs at me for getting tough, as he puts it, but I can’t take it after a point. He doesn’t deserve the looks they throw him, the whispers. He can ignore it, but I can’t.
“Hey everyone,” Tim says, clinking on his glass to get our attention, which completely snaps me out of my reverie, “If you could all proceed outside onto the deck, I’ve arranged for a tiny bit of entertainment.”
Nathan raises his eyebrows questioningly at me, but I just shrug, and lead him outside onto the deck. I lean against the railing, and Nathan moves behind me, draping his big body over me, keeping me warm. He laughs in my ear when the fireworks start going off, and I curl my arms around his, holding him to me.
“Tim’s going all out for this,” Nathan notes, kissing down my neck, “This is his idea of a practice party?”
“Something like that,” I shrug, leaning back against him. I see Luke a ways away from us, Lola next to him, smiling as they watch the fireworks display. Keith and Karen are here somewhere, too, as is Tim’s family, Deb and Dan, and surprisingly, Brooke’s parents. Luckily, Tim thought to tell her he invited them, on the pretext of wanting to get business tips from her father, so that was one less thing for Brooke to be freaking out about now.
When I see Tim leading Brooke up the steps of a raised balcony, I nudge Nathan, pointing them out to him. His eyes widen in surprise when Tim drops down on one knee, but he recovers quickly, smiling at me. The crowd falls silent, and I can’t help but wonder if a lot of the people here had figured out what Tim had planned, knew that these two were destined for this.
Everyone is mouse quiet as he says the sweet words he’s been planning forever, asks her the questions she’s been stressing out as she’s waited to hear it, and there are more than a few people crying when she squeals out her ‘yes’, practically jumping on top of him. I clap my hands together, holding them to my mouth as I try not to cry. There’s just something really bittersweet in this moment, and maybe I’m not quite as great with waiting as I tried to insist to Nathan. While I’m certainly not unhappy, maybe I do wish for it more than I want to believe.
I don’t know if Nathan senses it, but he pulls me closer, whispering ‘soon’ in my ear. It’s not as though I don’t always display a severely low melting point around him anyway, but something about the husky tone of his voice, the way his arms tighten around me, and his fingers brush over my rounded belly just turns me boneless.
I nod my response, knowing that he’s so close he can feel it along with every hitch of my breath, every sigh, every heartbeat. A few tears manage to escape, but they really are tears of happiness for my friends. They’ve been through a lot to get to where they are now, and I’m proud of who they are and what they’ve become. Ten years ago, I would’ve laughed in someone’s face if they’d told me that I’d be crying with happiness for these two, but there you have it. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m the first person they look for when they’re done with their private celebrations, and it warms my heart that that is something that hasn’t changed. So much else has for the three of us - they’re them now, and I’m me. I’m part of another equation, one that doesn’t allot space for them. Me plus Nathan times Mere plus baby divided by Sammy the dog. That’s my world, broken down to the simplest formula. And theirs? Was just them.
And that’s okay.
“Congratulations,” Nathan says, holding out a hand to Tim. Things are painfully awkward between Nathan and these two friends of mine - they don’t think that he is good enough for me or Mere, and he thinks the same of them. Neither find it funny when I point out that both sides are harboring the same doubts.
“Thanks, we appreciate it,” Tim nods, shaking it firmly. Brooke is waggling the ring under my nose - the ring I’ve seen, she’s seen, we’ve all seen. But it makes her so happy, so I play along, oohing and ahhing over it like a good best friend. I loop an arm around Tim’s waist, giving him a tight side hug. He ruffles my hair, just like he’s done a thousand times before, and Nathan grins at me.
Luke and Lola approach, and as Brooke and Lola squeal over the ring, Luke and Tim play around making bad ‘your wife, my wife’ jokes that Brooke would crush them over if she heard. I roll my eyes at that, not giving it much thought. It’s what they do. I’m used to it.
But Nathan clearly isn’t. He has this stricken look on his face that he’s trying to cover up with a fake, pasty smile, and he’s studiously looking away, just sneaking glances, but I can tell it hits him that Luke and Tim are friends in a way that he isn’t with either of them. But maybe that he used to be.
I tighten my fingers around his, needing him to know that I’m here, that I’ll try and be enough. I don’t want this to hurt him, to see the easy bond his high school best friend has with his brother, the one that he hasn’t had an easy rapport with for years. He glances over at me, his face lighting in a real smile, and I let out the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.
Luke and Nathan exchange somewhat terse hellos, and Lola raises her eyebrows at me in confusion. I make a shrug face, and she nods, letting it go. Apparently Luke likes to talk about his issues with Nathan as much as Nathan likes to talk about his with Luke. It’s almost like they’re related or something.
Nathan wanders off to talk to Keith and Karen, the members of his family that he has the easiest time relating to. I think he and I both know that is only because they have the least expectations of him, and he doesn’t have truckloads of baggage from them. Lola stays by me when Luke follows him, nodding almost imperceptibly at me.
“What’s their story?” she asks quietly, “I don’t - I mean, I should ask Luke, he’s my boyfriend, but I don’t want to upset him, you know?”
I laugh a little at that, shaking my head. “Yeah, I know. Nathan gets pissy about it, too. They both always have. Be glad you missed out on their high school pissing contests. It was hard before they became friends,” I admit.
“Let me guess,” she grins, “You were what they fought over.”
“Oh, you know it,” I nod, sighing, “It’s funny, because I could’ve dated any other guy in that high school, and Luke wouldn’t have given a rat’s ass, right? But Nathan? Oh, he acted like I went out of my way to piss him off. Such a baby. And Nathan, well, he only went after me in the first place to drive Luke insane.”
“Guess it worked,” she laughs delightedly.
“Yeah, it did,” I agree, laughing with her, “And oh, I hated it. They both pissed me off so many times in those early days. And then they started getting along.”
She smiles at that, but it drifts off her face as we both watch the uncomfortable ways they face each other now. “What happened?” she asks. “I don’t understand it.”
“Basketball,” I shrug, simplifying it to the lowest common denominator, “It - maybe that’s not really fair, or even accurate, but in some ways, that is what it all came down to. Nathan had too much to prove with basketball, to himself, to Dan, to Luke, maybe even to me, and when Luke gave it up and got all of Dan’s approval, it just…broke.”
“That’s…awful,” she sighs, struggling to find the right word for it, “I’m sure you know this better than I do, but Luke really loves Nathan, and he really worries about him. About both of you.”
I nod, taking a deep breath. “He doesn’t have to,” I tell her, “Well, maybe he does, but - I don’t know. It’s not like his approval makes or breaks something, and - “
“It’s hard for you,” she deduces, “Even now. You still see both of their sides.”
“I see Nathan’s,” I sigh, “And I guess I see Luke’s, too. In a lot of ways, Luke’s is mine. We’re so scary alike that it is totally ridiculous. But he isn’t ready to let go of the bad things, the worst things. And I have to, you know? I have Mere, and honestly, I love Nathan too much not to. It’s just, that’s how it is, I guess.”
“I was so jealous of you when I first started dating Luke,” she confesses, blushing, “And that was weird for me, right? I’ve never had problems finding dates or friends, and then I move here for a stupid job in Durham, and I start dating Luke, and bam, I’m jealous of you. Which sucked, let me tell you.”
“I can imagine,” I snort.
“No!” she laughs, “I know that sounded mean, but it wasn’t intended to be. I just meant that you have this huge place in Luke’s life. And more than that, you have this huge place in the lives of everyone Luke loves. His parents, Eric, Brooke, and Tim, that stupid big dog of his. It was intimidating, I guess.”
“Okay,” I cut in, “You know that there was never anything between me and him. That’s way too Kentucky incest for my tastes, you know?”
She nods, grinning. “I know,” she nods, “I guess it was just that you were so ingrained in their lives, in my boyfriend’s life, and maybe I still resented what you did to my brother.” I can feel my face fall a little at that reminder. “I’m not saying that I don’t understand, because I really do - I’ll tell you about my broken engagement sometime - but you know that Jase is my hero, pretty much. And it just…it was hard that you had all this here, and you gave it up to follow Nathan to Seattle. I didn’t get that, I didn’t get why you were still the person Luke, Brooke, and Tim all turned to.”
Listening to her, I let her words seep in. “I can’t apologize again, Lola,” I tell her calmly, “And if you can’t let it go, then I don’t know what to do. I want to be your friend because I really like you. I always have. I know what I did was wrong and shitty and a thousand other things, but it was a long time ago, and we’ve all moved on.”
“I have, too!” she promises, “That’s sort of my point. Or it should’ve been. I don’t.” I laugh with her at that. “Anyway, I just wanted you to know how much Luke loves you. You’re so important to him, and he’d do anything for you.”
I smile slightly at that, but shake my head. “I’m not more important to him than you are. I hope you know that.”
“Maybe not,” she sort of agrees, “But it’s different. I’m this newcomer to his life, and you and even Brooke are such fixtures in it. It’s hard.”
“But maybe that’s better,” I suggest, “There’s this completely blank slate, clean, with no history to skew things.”
“It’s not completely blank, though. I’m Tim’s cousin, and you…”
“Yeah, but those aren’t the first things either of you think of when you look at each other,” I point out, “I mean, with Luke and Brooke, when they got back together, I think they still saw their past. They still saw Peyton, the girl who was between them then, and they still saw the ways they hurt each other. And when Luke looks at me? I guarantee you he sees his dorky friend who wore ponchos, or the girl who helped him break his brother’s swing set, or his brother’s girlfriend. That’s it, it really is.”
“Rationally, I know that,” she nods, sighing, “But sometimes it is hard to be rational.”
“Sometimes?” I scoff, “Feels like it’s hard all the time, at least for me. At least when it comes to matters like these.”
“Rationale is overrated,” she giggles, her grin brightening when she spots Luke wandering towards us, Nathan in tow, “Ah, speaking of overrated, there’s my boyfriend.”
I laugh with her, flushing a little under Nathan’s regard. He has that predatory gleam in his eye, and I just know he’s about fifteen minutes away from suggesting we blow this off and take advantage of the fact that Mere is staying the night with her Papa. And I’m about twenty minutes away from agreeing with him, so I guess it works.
Luke pulls her to him, whispering something for her ears only. Nathan moves to stand beside me, reaching out to hold my hand. I think we hold hands more now than we ever did before, but it’s nice. Comforting. It’s nice to know he’s here, that he wants to be with me.
“So, how cool is this?” Luke addresses all of us, eyeing Nathan a touch warily, “Who’d have thought those two would end up engaged.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Oh, quit pretending like you didn’t know,” I instruct, poking him on the arm, “You’re being a dork.”
“Play nice,” Nathan admonishes me, smiling widely.
“Yeah, and you’d know from playing nice?” Luke snipes at Nathan, clearly taking Lola by surprises as she gapes at her boyfriend.
“Lucas,” she whispers, blinking at him.
He looks over at her, sighing. “Well, come on, he acts like - “
“Luke, shut up,” I butt in, glaring hard at him. Nathan has gone completely rigid next to me, and I know that he won’t be able to hold his tongue forever - at some point, if this doesn’t stop, he will say something. It’s just a matter of when, not if.
“Oh, give me a break,” Luke glowers at me, “He’s been - “
“No, stop it,” I sigh as Nathan drops my hand, taking a step back, “Please just stop it. I don’t care if you two can’t see eye to eye on everything, you don’t have to act like this, Luke!”
“Well, why - “
“If you have a problem with me, just say it to me next time,” Nathan cuts in, “But don’t you dare take out your problems with me on Haley. I mean it, Luke, if you do that again, you’ll be sorry.”
Luke laughs derisively at that, and Lola grabs his arm, trying to lead him away. He shakes her off, though, looking Nathan up and down. “You don’t deserve anything that you have, little brother.”
“Lucas!” Lola exclaims again, shoving at his back. That actually gives him pause, and he turns around to glance at her. “What are you doing?” she hisses.
“Oh, just telling it like it is, right, Nathan?” he snaps in such a tone that I look at Nathan, wondering what the hell happened, “Isn’t that what you say? Isn’t that what you just said to Keith? ‘I’m just telling it like it is’, ha ha ha!”
I take a step back so that I am close enough to reach behind me and touch Nathan. I don’t get this, get where all of this is coming from with Luke. Well, I suppose I can guess - Nathan still isn’t comfortable talking about most of the things that have happened with anyone other than me, but I don’t get why Luke is so bent out of shape about it now.
“Please stop causing a scene here,” I implore Luke quietly, “This is your best friends’ engagement night and party, and they both deserve better than this from you.”
“She’s right,” Lola chimes in, again trying to lead Luke away, “Let’s go outside, Luke. Please come outside.”
Nathan doesn’t say anything, just stands stock still behind me. He doesn’t back away from me, though, so that’s enough for me. Once Lola convinces Luke to go outside with her, I turn to Nathan, raising an eyebrow at him. He shakes his head almost imperceptibly, and I nod, willing to wait until he wants to talk about it.
“Let’s say goodbye to Brooke and Tim and then go,” I suggest, “It’ll be nice to be at home for an evening without Mere to demand attention. I can concentrate on just you.”
He cracks a smile at that, leaning down to press his lips against mine in a quick kiss. “That’s probably a good idea.”
We walk through the crowd, and I think this is the most outwardly uncomfortable Nathan has been with the staring as far as I’ve seen. It hurts to see the looks leveled on him, and I have to bite my lip and squeeze his hand to keep from saying anything. Brooke and Tim are standing with Jason and his youngest sister, Marissa, when we get there, and I almost curse out loud at that.
Of course, Brooke is an excellent tension breaker, and she’s immediately thrusting her finger with the ring under my nose, and then even Nathan’s, which I think surprises her as much as him. “It’s a really great ring, Brooke,” Nathan says, rolling his eyes.
“Oh, don’t act so put out by the girly stuff,” she smirks at him, “I’d bet good money you have some piece of jewelry that has a bigger rock than this somewhere.”
“He just has boats,” I retort, elbowing him lightly, earning a grin, “Well, we are going now. Mere is at Dan’s house, and that seems like as good of a reason as any to spend the night. Congratulations, we are so, so, so happy for the both of you.”
“Yeah,” Nathan nods, “It’s really great. I don’t think I have ever seen either of you this happy, so I know it’s a good thing.” I beam at him, and he rolls his eyes at me. “What? I notice stuff like that sometimes.”
“Uh huh,” I tease doubtfully, “Okay, we’re going. I’m really happy for you. Oh, and Brooke? Told you so.”
“You knew!” she exclaims, gaping at Tim and me as we crack up, “I’ll kill you! Oh, my God, you knew all along, didn’t you! Tim!”
“What?” he shrugs defensively, “I had to tell someone, and she and Luke - “
“Luke?” Brooke squeaks, “Luke knew? He knew this whole time while I was waiting for you to finally find your balls and propose? And Luke? Knew?”
“We’ll just take this as our cue to leave,” I hastily state, nudging Nathan towards the door. He grins sympathetically at Tim as he slings an arm around my waist.
“Have fun with the engagement thing,” he grins, earning a weak smile from Tim and a glare from Brooke.
”I guess it’s a good thing I proposed,” I hear Tim laugh nervously as we make our way towards the exit, smiling at each other.
We’re quiet as we walk out to the car, me claiming the driver’s seat and Nathan settling into the passenger seat. “I love driving this death wagon,” I comment lightly, not willing to push him on what happened with Luke and everything, “It’s fun to sit up so high.”
“You only think that because you usually see the world from midget height,” he teases, tearing his gaze away from the window to smirk at me, “If you were a little taller, you’d be used to it.”
“Sure, tease the short one,” I laugh, smiling at him, “Oh, baby’s kicking.”
Grinning, he leans over, pressing his cheek to my belly. “He sure is.”
“Why are you always so positive we’re having a boy?” I exclaim, shaking my head at him, “You were positive Mere was going to be a boy, too.”
“Wishful thinking,” he laughs, “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m woefully outnumbered right now. It’s awful to think of what will happen when Mere thinks she’s going to start dating or wearing makeup or God, halter tops.”
“Oh, I guess I shouldn’t tell you that I bought her halter tops for this summer then,” I tease him, laughing at the cross expression on his face, “Calm down, I think we are safe from worrying over that type of thing for a while now still.”
He hmphs out a breath at that. “You’re evil,” he grins, “And you know, it isn’t fair to rub things like that in my face. That’s my baby. The thought of her dating is like a horror movie to me.”
“Nathan,” I sigh, smiling at him with a touch of indulgence, “They all grow up sometimes. Hey, if we can do it, anyone can.”
“Ha ha,” he smirks, “So, you aren’t even going to ask, huh?”
“You’ll tell me when you’re ready,” I state confidently, smiling sideways at him.
“Awfully sure of yourself there, huh, Hales?” he asks, arching his brows at me.
“Nope,” I deny, smiling at him, “I’m that sure of you. When you’re ready, you’ll tell me. And I can wait until then.”
“You don’t have to wait,” he counters, “You can feel free to ask me those things, baby. I’m definitely not trying to hide anything from you. It’s important to me that you know that.”
“I do know that,” I promise him, slowing the car a little so I can look over at him, “That’s why it is so easy for me to wait. Because I know that you will tell me when you’re ready. And yeah, I hope that is sooner rather than later, but I’ll wait as long as I have to.”
He nods, regarding me thoughtfully. “You do know I’m not that patient, right?” he asks, watching me carefully, “I never have been and I doubt that I ever will.”
I have to laugh at that. “Okay, no, that has not escaped my attention,” I assure him once I get the giggles under control, “But that’s okay, too. If I need to ask, I will. If it is something that I can wait for you to tell me yourself, then I will. It’s that simple for me.”
“Yeah, okay,” he smiles, relaxing back in his seat, “Can I tell you now?”
“Nathan!” I sigh, exasperated, “I just told you that you can tell me whenever you’re ready. If that’s now…well, yay!”
He laughs a little at that before turning back to look pensively out the window. It’s a few more minutes of silent driving before he speaks again. “You should show me around Durham someday,” he suggests, “Show me all the places you used to hang out with your friends.”
“Okay,” I drawl out, unsure of what he’s doing, if this is a delay tactic, “Maybe you and Mere can come in one afternoon, I can sneak out of work early, and we can wander the campus.”
“Sure,” he grins, “It’s no UConn, but it’ll have to do, I suppose.”
“Ha ha,” I snort, rolling my eyes, “Well, I have it on good authority that things are much prettier here, so neener.”
“I don’t know how to talk to Luke anymore,” he says suddenly, “I don’t know what we are. We…we aren’t friends, I killed that, and I don’t think we’re really brothers.”
I look over at him, surprised. “Nathan, being his brother isn’t some salient thing, you know. It’s something that just is.”
“He doesn’t seem to like me much anymore, not that I can really blame him for that, I guess.”
“Nathan,” I sigh, unsure what to say, how to make this better for him, “He loves you. He’s…I guess he’s angry with you, but he loves you. That doesn’t just change.”
He shrugs tiredly. “Maybe not. You saw that, though. He just…he’s so angry with me, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to change that, to fix it. So we’re just stagnant right now. He hates me, and I can’t do anything about it.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, because I’m not trying to criticize you or argue with you,” I begin cautiously, stealing sidelong glances at him to gauge his reaction, “But it’s less that you can’t do anything about it and more that you won’t. Have you tried? Really tried?”
“Haley,” he sighs, looking back out the window, the set of his jaw terse.
“No, Nathan, tell me when you’ve honestly made an effort with him,” I push, knowing that this is a fine line to walk with Nathan, “For years, you’ve had problems with your brother and your father and your mother, and I’ve let you be with those. I haven’t pushed you, I haven’t tried to force you to work them out my way. But now you’re saying there’s nothing you can do, and I really don’t believe that.”
“Maybe there are people each of us aren’t meant to be close to,” he suggests, but I know he doesn’t mean that. Some comments are borne out of truth; others out of frustration.
I let that comment hang for a minute, waiting to see if he’ll add anything to it or take it back. When he doesn’t, I respond, “That’s ridiculous, and you know it.”
“I don’t know that I do know that anymore,” he contradicts, but there’s no heat behind the words, “Do I even know anything anymore?”
“What’s this all about?” I ask calmly, “Really. No holds barred, just tell me the truth. Is it more than just things with Luke?”
He shakes his head, denying that. After a moment, though, he shrugs. “It’s Luke, but I guess it’s also Dan.”
I nod, a little surprised, but really, when it comes down to it, maybe I expected that. “I know that me saying this doesn’t make it so for you, necessarily, but their relationship doesn’t change how they feel about you.”
“My brother hates me,” he laughs bitterly, “Maybe changing that would be a good thing.”
“He doesn’t hate you!” I exclaim, smacking my fist on the steering wheel, “Quit pouting and open your eyes, Nathan! He’s mad at you, and hey, maybe you’re right, he has good reasons to be. But you know as well as I do that anger doesn’t take away from love, so I don’t know what you’re on about with this.”
“So what am I supposed to do then?” he yells back, not angry, but rather frustrated with the situation and his inability to make it magically better, “Why don’t you tell me, if you know so much!”
“Oh, knock it off,” I snap tiredly, “We both know you aren’t mad at me, and picking a fight isn’t going to make me forget about this. Look, just talk to him. Talk to both of them. That’s what you need to do, and you know it as well as I do.”
He doesn’t answer that, but he nods, and maybe - just maybe - this time he’ll follow through, and it will be the start of something better for him. And for us.
Maybe someday it won’t feel like everything is a battle.
~*~February 15, 2014~*~
“What. The. Hell?” Brooke bites into my ear as she approaches from behind. Nathan groans, almost inaudibly, before pasting a smile on his face as we turn to look at her.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, smiling at her. I’m almost as giddy as I know she will be - and Tim already is, when he lets go of the nerves - and it is really hard for me not to let it show. I’m so excited for her, and I know she’s going to be so thrilled.
“What do you think is wrong? My asshole boyfriend, who buys rings that he apparently deems too good for me, or something, is off schmoozing with his family instead of paying attention to me!” she rants, “And - and! - yesterday was Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day! And all that he did was buy me some stupid pink roses. They weren’t even red!”
Nathan raises his eyebrows at her, and I can see that he’s very close to having to literally bite his tongue to keep the words in. “Listen,” I step in, not needing these two to get into anything today, “Brooke, they were beautiful pink roses. Gorgeous. And there were four dozen of them!”
“Oh, that is easy for you to say,” she grumbles, “You got red ones!”
Nathan and I watch in surprise as she storms off, obviously not ready to quit brooding over her not-quite-perfect Valentine’s Day, even though Tim put together a really nice deal for them. “That was odd,” Nathan mumbles to me. Aside from me, the only other person who knows the real deal behind the party that Tim is holding tonight - which he told the guests was practice for some parties he’d be holding for clients soon - is Luke. He swore us to secrecy, not even letting me tell Nathan about it.
“Ignore her,” I advise him, “Her feelings are hurt because Tim hasn’t proposed yet. She thought he would a long time ago. She even found a ring he bought her around Christmas, but still, nothing yet. She’s tired of waiting.”
We’d started walking, and he stops us, moving to stand in front of me. He looks down, his gaze shrewd and assessing. “That wasn’t a hint, Nathan,” I sigh, looking away, “I was just explaining why you should avoid letting her get on your nerves.”
“Should we talk about that?” he asks, scratching the back of his neck, looking a little uneasy, “You know it isn’t that I don’t want it, because I do, I’m just worried that now wouldn’t be the best time. For either of us.”
“I’m not asking you for anything, Nathan,” I assure him, taking a deep breath, “And I’m happy with what we have. Do I want more? Yes, I do, to be perfectly frank, but what we have is wonderful and special and more than enough.”
“I wish I could give it to you now,” he sighs, reaching down to take one of my hands in his, “I love you so much, but we have got this balance going on right now that just works for me. When I’m more stable, when I would be stable enough to give you everything you deserve, then we’ll do it. It’s when, not if. Always when.”
I nod, smiling up at him as he brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “I never - well, almost never - doubted that,” I promise him back, “And we’ll take all the time that we need. Maybe you’re not the only one not ready at the moment. It would be better if we waited until the nightmares were completely gone. And you know, I wasn’t pregnant.”
He grins. “What if the plan is to keep you pregnant pretty much forever?” he teases, leaning down to buss me softly on the cheek, “What would we do then?”
“We’d have to squeeze it in somewhere,” I laugh, my hands coming up to rest on his biceps, not even trying to resist squeezing them, “You can’t hold me off forever.”
“Wouldn’t even try,” he shrugs, pulling me to him, “You really sure that you’re okay with waiting?”
I slide my hands down his arms to his hands, clasping them in mine. Tugging on him, I get him to walk with me outside, standing on the balcony. He smiles at me, almost shyly, before leaning against the rail with one hip.
“Do you really think I’m not okay with waiting a little longer to get married?” I ask him, searching his face for answers.
“I don’t know,” he admits, “I’ve made you wait so long now, and I know how unfair that is to you.”
“I made you wait longer,” I reason, looking out over the smooth water of the river, “When you left for UConn, and I stayed here, I made you wait that whole time.”
He laughs wryly. “Neither of us were really waiting then. That was different. That was being unable to let go of each other, this is just biding time until we make it official. I don’t want to wait so long that you stop waiting, and move on without me.”
“Without you, there is nowhere for me to go,” I tell him in an urgent whisper, “Nathan, you are so my life. I’ve been waiting to marry you since the day our first marriage was annulled. That was so long ago, and all that time, in some way, I’ve been waiting for it. I’m not going to suddenly stop waiting for this, I promise. It’ll always be here. I’ll always be here for you.”
He opens his arms, and I immediately move into them. He’s my safe haven, after all this time, after all the tears, he’s the place I feel safest. Anywhere that he is, it doesn’t matter, because he’s there. And maybe he’s too much to me, maybe I’ve given him too much of a focus in my life, but I don’t think I could help that if I tried.
“We’ll get married soon,” he whispers against my cheek, his breath fanning against it softly, “And it’ll be pretty and fun and right.”
I nod, content to let him hold me. “We could always elope,” I suggest, giggling a little. “Go to the courthouse with just Merry and this one, and get married.”
“Or run off to Vegas for a weekend,” he suggests, and I know it isn’t until I stiffen against him that he realizes what he said. “Haley J, I was just….”
“I know,” I nod jerkily, backing away from him a little, “Yeah, I know. Of course I do.”
“Haley, stop,” he cringes as I continue to move backwards, “I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean to bring that up.”
“Yeah, I know,” I repeat, turning away to lean against the railing myself, “It’s okay. It just…it hit. It hit me, and I couldn’t stop it from hitting, and I’m sorry.”
“No, baby, don’t do that, don’t you dare apologize.”
I hold my hand him, effectively stopping him. “No, let me,” I tell him, turning to look at him, “I have to get over this, Nathan. What happened, what did or didn’t happen there, it’s over. I need to be able to keep that in mind.”
“I’m sorry,” he says again, moving closer to me, slow and cautious. This time I hold my ground, letting him come to me. “I wasn’t thinking, Haley J. I don’t want to hurt you, that’s the last thing I want.”
“I believe that,” I assure him, leaning my head on his shoulder, “I know that. And I don’t know why I’m being so ridiculous about this. Vegas is where we got back together, remember?”
“Of course I remember that,” he smiles, bending to kiss me softly, “Maybe…I don’t remember being there the second time, not much of it. When I think of Vegas, I think of that other time, with you. And I stole that memory from you. God, this is hard.”
I shake my head, smiling at him. “You didn’t steal anything from me. I have that memory, those days, locked in my heart. That isn’t going anywhere, I won’t let it. That was such a special time for us, for me, and I’d never let it go.”
“Well,” he smiles, relaxing again, “I’d never let you go.”
I open my mouth to say something else when a bell rings out, and someone comes to the door, motioning us back in. We go in reluctantly, slowly, holding hands and smiling at each other like we were again teenagers in the early throes of young love. Maybe in some ways, we were again. In a small sense, this was starting over, fresh. And nothing is fresher than your first love.
Inside, full champagne flutes are pressed into our hands. Nathan sets his back on a tray, winking at me as he does so. Smirking back at him, I set mine down, too. Even if I wasn’t currently pregnant, I probably would’ve set mine down in a show of solidarity, but for now, it is a moot point.
We still haven’t informed the masses of my pregnancy, but I think, for tonight, attention is mostly diverted from us. Nathan does receive more than his fair share of staring, which I know is a discomfort to him, but he has dealt with it really well so far. Better than I have, at any rate. I’m the one who has gotten snappish, told people to quit staring and mind their own business. He always laughs at me for getting tough, as he puts it, but I can’t take it after a point. He doesn’t deserve the looks they throw him, the whispers. He can ignore it, but I can’t.
“Hey everyone,” Tim says, clinking on his glass to get our attention, which completely snaps me out of my reverie, “If you could all proceed outside onto the deck, I’ve arranged for a tiny bit of entertainment.”
Nathan raises his eyebrows questioningly at me, but I just shrug, and lead him outside onto the deck. I lean against the railing, and Nathan moves behind me, draping his big body over me, keeping me warm. He laughs in my ear when the fireworks start going off, and I curl my arms around his, holding him to me.
“Tim’s going all out for this,” Nathan notes, kissing down my neck, “This is his idea of a practice party?”
“Something like that,” I shrug, leaning back against him. I see Luke a ways away from us, Lola next to him, smiling as they watch the fireworks display. Keith and Karen are here somewhere, too, as is Tim’s family, Deb and Dan, and surprisingly, Brooke’s parents. Luckily, Tim thought to tell her he invited them, on the pretext of wanting to get business tips from her father, so that was one less thing for Brooke to be freaking out about now.
When I see Tim leading Brooke up the steps of a raised balcony, I nudge Nathan, pointing them out to him. His eyes widen in surprise when Tim drops down on one knee, but he recovers quickly, smiling at me. The crowd falls silent, and I can’t help but wonder if a lot of the people here had figured out what Tim had planned, knew that these two were destined for this.
Everyone is mouse quiet as he says the sweet words he’s been planning forever, asks her the questions she’s been stressing out as she’s waited to hear it, and there are more than a few people crying when she squeals out her ‘yes’, practically jumping on top of him. I clap my hands together, holding them to my mouth as I try not to cry. There’s just something really bittersweet in this moment, and maybe I’m not quite as great with waiting as I tried to insist to Nathan. While I’m certainly not unhappy, maybe I do wish for it more than I want to believe.
I don’t know if Nathan senses it, but he pulls me closer, whispering ‘soon’ in my ear. It’s not as though I don’t always display a severely low melting point around him anyway, but something about the husky tone of his voice, the way his arms tighten around me, and his fingers brush over my rounded belly just turns me boneless.
I nod my response, knowing that he’s so close he can feel it along with every hitch of my breath, every sigh, every heartbeat. A few tears manage to escape, but they really are tears of happiness for my friends. They’ve been through a lot to get to where they are now, and I’m proud of who they are and what they’ve become. Ten years ago, I would’ve laughed in someone’s face if they’d told me that I’d be crying with happiness for these two, but there you have it. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m the first person they look for when they’re done with their private celebrations, and it warms my heart that that is something that hasn’t changed. So much else has for the three of us - they’re them now, and I’m me. I’m part of another equation, one that doesn’t allot space for them. Me plus Nathan times Mere plus baby divided by Sammy the dog. That’s my world, broken down to the simplest formula. And theirs? Was just them.
And that’s okay.
“Congratulations,” Nathan says, holding out a hand to Tim. Things are painfully awkward between Nathan and these two friends of mine - they don’t think that he is good enough for me or Mere, and he thinks the same of them. Neither find it funny when I point out that both sides are harboring the same doubts.
“Thanks, we appreciate it,” Tim nods, shaking it firmly. Brooke is waggling the ring under my nose - the ring I’ve seen, she’s seen, we’ve all seen. But it makes her so happy, so I play along, oohing and ahhing over it like a good best friend. I loop an arm around Tim’s waist, giving him a tight side hug. He ruffles my hair, just like he’s done a thousand times before, and Nathan grins at me.
Luke and Lola approach, and as Brooke and Lola squeal over the ring, Luke and Tim play around making bad ‘your wife, my wife’ jokes that Brooke would crush them over if she heard. I roll my eyes at that, not giving it much thought. It’s what they do. I’m used to it.
But Nathan clearly isn’t. He has this stricken look on his face that he’s trying to cover up with a fake, pasty smile, and he’s studiously looking away, just sneaking glances, but I can tell it hits him that Luke and Tim are friends in a way that he isn’t with either of them. But maybe that he used to be.
I tighten my fingers around his, needing him to know that I’m here, that I’ll try and be enough. I don’t want this to hurt him, to see the easy bond his high school best friend has with his brother, the one that he hasn’t had an easy rapport with for years. He glances over at me, his face lighting in a real smile, and I let out the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.
Luke and Nathan exchange somewhat terse hellos, and Lola raises her eyebrows at me in confusion. I make a shrug face, and she nods, letting it go. Apparently Luke likes to talk about his issues with Nathan as much as Nathan likes to talk about his with Luke. It’s almost like they’re related or something.
Nathan wanders off to talk to Keith and Karen, the members of his family that he has the easiest time relating to. I think he and I both know that is only because they have the least expectations of him, and he doesn’t have truckloads of baggage from them. Lola stays by me when Luke follows him, nodding almost imperceptibly at me.
“What’s their story?” she asks quietly, “I don’t - I mean, I should ask Luke, he’s my boyfriend, but I don’t want to upset him, you know?”
I laugh a little at that, shaking my head. “Yeah, I know. Nathan gets pissy about it, too. They both always have. Be glad you missed out on their high school pissing contests. It was hard before they became friends,” I admit.
“Let me guess,” she grins, “You were what they fought over.”
“Oh, you know it,” I nod, sighing, “It’s funny, because I could’ve dated any other guy in that high school, and Luke wouldn’t have given a rat’s ass, right? But Nathan? Oh, he acted like I went out of my way to piss him off. Such a baby. And Nathan, well, he only went after me in the first place to drive Luke insane.”
“Guess it worked,” she laughs delightedly.
“Yeah, it did,” I agree, laughing with her, “And oh, I hated it. They both pissed me off so many times in those early days. And then they started getting along.”
She smiles at that, but it drifts off her face as we both watch the uncomfortable ways they face each other now. “What happened?” she asks. “I don’t understand it.”
“Basketball,” I shrug, simplifying it to the lowest common denominator, “It - maybe that’s not really fair, or even accurate, but in some ways, that is what it all came down to. Nathan had too much to prove with basketball, to himself, to Dan, to Luke, maybe even to me, and when Luke gave it up and got all of Dan’s approval, it just…broke.”
“That’s…awful,” she sighs, struggling to find the right word for it, “I’m sure you know this better than I do, but Luke really loves Nathan, and he really worries about him. About both of you.”
I nod, taking a deep breath. “He doesn’t have to,” I tell her, “Well, maybe he does, but - I don’t know. It’s not like his approval makes or breaks something, and - “
“It’s hard for you,” she deduces, “Even now. You still see both of their sides.”
“I see Nathan’s,” I sigh, “And I guess I see Luke’s, too. In a lot of ways, Luke’s is mine. We’re so scary alike that it is totally ridiculous. But he isn’t ready to let go of the bad things, the worst things. And I have to, you know? I have Mere, and honestly, I love Nathan too much not to. It’s just, that’s how it is, I guess.”
“I was so jealous of you when I first started dating Luke,” she confesses, blushing, “And that was weird for me, right? I’ve never had problems finding dates or friends, and then I move here for a stupid job in Durham, and I start dating Luke, and bam, I’m jealous of you. Which sucked, let me tell you.”
“I can imagine,” I snort.
“No!” she laughs, “I know that sounded mean, but it wasn’t intended to be. I just meant that you have this huge place in Luke’s life. And more than that, you have this huge place in the lives of everyone Luke loves. His parents, Eric, Brooke, and Tim, that stupid big dog of his. It was intimidating, I guess.”
“Okay,” I cut in, “You know that there was never anything between me and him. That’s way too Kentucky incest for my tastes, you know?”
She nods, grinning. “I know,” she nods, “I guess it was just that you were so ingrained in their lives, in my boyfriend’s life, and maybe I still resented what you did to my brother.” I can feel my face fall a little at that reminder. “I’m not saying that I don’t understand, because I really do - I’ll tell you about my broken engagement sometime - but you know that Jase is my hero, pretty much. And it just…it was hard that you had all this here, and you gave it up to follow Nathan to Seattle. I didn’t get that, I didn’t get why you were still the person Luke, Brooke, and Tim all turned to.”
Listening to her, I let her words seep in. “I can’t apologize again, Lola,” I tell her calmly, “And if you can’t let it go, then I don’t know what to do. I want to be your friend because I really like you. I always have. I know what I did was wrong and shitty and a thousand other things, but it was a long time ago, and we’ve all moved on.”
“I have, too!” she promises, “That’s sort of my point. Or it should’ve been. I don’t.” I laugh with her at that. “Anyway, I just wanted you to know how much Luke loves you. You’re so important to him, and he’d do anything for you.”
I smile slightly at that, but shake my head. “I’m not more important to him than you are. I hope you know that.”
“Maybe not,” she sort of agrees, “But it’s different. I’m this newcomer to his life, and you and even Brooke are such fixtures in it. It’s hard.”
“But maybe that’s better,” I suggest, “There’s this completely blank slate, clean, with no history to skew things.”
“It’s not completely blank, though. I’m Tim’s cousin, and you…”
“Yeah, but those aren’t the first things either of you think of when you look at each other,” I point out, “I mean, with Luke and Brooke, when they got back together, I think they still saw their past. They still saw Peyton, the girl who was between them then, and they still saw the ways they hurt each other. And when Luke looks at me? I guarantee you he sees his dorky friend who wore ponchos, or the girl who helped him break his brother’s swing set, or his brother’s girlfriend. That’s it, it really is.”
“Rationally, I know that,” she nods, sighing, “But sometimes it is hard to be rational.”
“Sometimes?” I scoff, “Feels like it’s hard all the time, at least for me. At least when it comes to matters like these.”
“Rationale is overrated,” she giggles, her grin brightening when she spots Luke wandering towards us, Nathan in tow, “Ah, speaking of overrated, there’s my boyfriend.”
I laugh with her, flushing a little under Nathan’s regard. He has that predatory gleam in his eye, and I just know he’s about fifteen minutes away from suggesting we blow this off and take advantage of the fact that Mere is staying the night with her Papa. And I’m about twenty minutes away from agreeing with him, so I guess it works.
Luke pulls her to him, whispering something for her ears only. Nathan moves to stand beside me, reaching out to hold my hand. I think we hold hands more now than we ever did before, but it’s nice. Comforting. It’s nice to know he’s here, that he wants to be with me.
“So, how cool is this?” Luke addresses all of us, eyeing Nathan a touch warily, “Who’d have thought those two would end up engaged.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Oh, quit pretending like you didn’t know,” I instruct, poking him on the arm, “You’re being a dork.”
“Play nice,” Nathan admonishes me, smiling widely.
“Yeah, and you’d know from playing nice?” Luke snipes at Nathan, clearly taking Lola by surprises as she gapes at her boyfriend.
“Lucas,” she whispers, blinking at him.
He looks over at her, sighing. “Well, come on, he acts like - “
“Luke, shut up,” I butt in, glaring hard at him. Nathan has gone completely rigid next to me, and I know that he won’t be able to hold his tongue forever - at some point, if this doesn’t stop, he will say something. It’s just a matter of when, not if.
“Oh, give me a break,” Luke glowers at me, “He’s been - “
“No, stop it,” I sigh as Nathan drops my hand, taking a step back, “Please just stop it. I don’t care if you two can’t see eye to eye on everything, you don’t have to act like this, Luke!”
“Well, why - “
“If you have a problem with me, just say it to me next time,” Nathan cuts in, “But don’t you dare take out your problems with me on Haley. I mean it, Luke, if you do that again, you’ll be sorry.”
Luke laughs derisively at that, and Lola grabs his arm, trying to lead him away. He shakes her off, though, looking Nathan up and down. “You don’t deserve anything that you have, little brother.”
“Lucas!” Lola exclaims again, shoving at his back. That actually gives him pause, and he turns around to glance at her. “What are you doing?” she hisses.
“Oh, just telling it like it is, right, Nathan?” he snaps in such a tone that I look at Nathan, wondering what the hell happened, “Isn’t that what you say? Isn’t that what you just said to Keith? ‘I’m just telling it like it is’, ha ha ha!”
I take a step back so that I am close enough to reach behind me and touch Nathan. I don’t get this, get where all of this is coming from with Luke. Well, I suppose I can guess - Nathan still isn’t comfortable talking about most of the things that have happened with anyone other than me, but I don’t get why Luke is so bent out of shape about it now.
“Please stop causing a scene here,” I implore Luke quietly, “This is your best friends’ engagement night and party, and they both deserve better than this from you.”
“She’s right,” Lola chimes in, again trying to lead Luke away, “Let’s go outside, Luke. Please come outside.”
Nathan doesn’t say anything, just stands stock still behind me. He doesn’t back away from me, though, so that’s enough for me. Once Lola convinces Luke to go outside with her, I turn to Nathan, raising an eyebrow at him. He shakes his head almost imperceptibly, and I nod, willing to wait until he wants to talk about it.
“Let’s say goodbye to Brooke and Tim and then go,” I suggest, “It’ll be nice to be at home for an evening without Mere to demand attention. I can concentrate on just you.”
He cracks a smile at that, leaning down to press his lips against mine in a quick kiss. “That’s probably a good idea.”
We walk through the crowd, and I think this is the most outwardly uncomfortable Nathan has been with the staring as far as I’ve seen. It hurts to see the looks leveled on him, and I have to bite my lip and squeeze his hand to keep from saying anything. Brooke and Tim are standing with Jason and his youngest sister, Marissa, when we get there, and I almost curse out loud at that.
Of course, Brooke is an excellent tension breaker, and she’s immediately thrusting her finger with the ring under my nose, and then even Nathan’s, which I think surprises her as much as him. “It’s a really great ring, Brooke,” Nathan says, rolling his eyes.
“Oh, don’t act so put out by the girly stuff,” she smirks at him, “I’d bet good money you have some piece of jewelry that has a bigger rock than this somewhere.”
“He just has boats,” I retort, elbowing him lightly, earning a grin, “Well, we are going now. Mere is at Dan’s house, and that seems like as good of a reason as any to spend the night. Congratulations, we are so, so, so happy for the both of you.”
“Yeah,” Nathan nods, “It’s really great. I don’t think I have ever seen either of you this happy, so I know it’s a good thing.” I beam at him, and he rolls his eyes at me. “What? I notice stuff like that sometimes.”
“Uh huh,” I tease doubtfully, “Okay, we’re going. I’m really happy for you. Oh, and Brooke? Told you so.”
“You knew!” she exclaims, gaping at Tim and me as we crack up, “I’ll kill you! Oh, my God, you knew all along, didn’t you! Tim!”
“What?” he shrugs defensively, “I had to tell someone, and she and Luke - “
“Luke?” Brooke squeaks, “Luke knew? He knew this whole time while I was waiting for you to finally find your balls and propose? And Luke? Knew?”
“We’ll just take this as our cue to leave,” I hastily state, nudging Nathan towards the door. He grins sympathetically at Tim as he slings an arm around my waist.
“Have fun with the engagement thing,” he grins, earning a weak smile from Tim and a glare from Brooke.
”I guess it’s a good thing I proposed,” I hear Tim laugh nervously as we make our way towards the exit, smiling at each other.
We’re quiet as we walk out to the car, me claiming the driver’s seat and Nathan settling into the passenger seat. “I love driving this death wagon,” I comment lightly, not willing to push him on what happened with Luke and everything, “It’s fun to sit up so high.”
“You only think that because you usually see the world from midget height,” he teases, tearing his gaze away from the window to smirk at me, “If you were a little taller, you’d be used to it.”
“Sure, tease the short one,” I laugh, smiling at him, “Oh, baby’s kicking.”
Grinning, he leans over, pressing his cheek to my belly. “He sure is.”
“Why are you always so positive we’re having a boy?” I exclaim, shaking my head at him, “You were positive Mere was going to be a boy, too.”
“Wishful thinking,” he laughs, “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m woefully outnumbered right now. It’s awful to think of what will happen when Mere thinks she’s going to start dating or wearing makeup or God, halter tops.”
“Oh, I guess I shouldn’t tell you that I bought her halter tops for this summer then,” I tease him, laughing at the cross expression on his face, “Calm down, I think we are safe from worrying over that type of thing for a while now still.”
He hmphs out a breath at that. “You’re evil,” he grins, “And you know, it isn’t fair to rub things like that in my face. That’s my baby. The thought of her dating is like a horror movie to me.”
“Nathan,” I sigh, smiling at him with a touch of indulgence, “They all grow up sometimes. Hey, if we can do it, anyone can.”
“Ha ha,” he smirks, “So, you aren’t even going to ask, huh?”
“You’ll tell me when you’re ready,” I state confidently, smiling sideways at him.
“Awfully sure of yourself there, huh, Hales?” he asks, arching his brows at me.
“Nope,” I deny, smiling at him, “I’m that sure of you. When you’re ready, you’ll tell me. And I can wait until then.”
“You don’t have to wait,” he counters, “You can feel free to ask me those things, baby. I’m definitely not trying to hide anything from you. It’s important to me that you know that.”
“I do know that,” I promise him, slowing the car a little so I can look over at him, “That’s why it is so easy for me to wait. Because I know that you will tell me when you’re ready. And yeah, I hope that is sooner rather than later, but I’ll wait as long as I have to.”
He nods, regarding me thoughtfully. “You do know I’m not that patient, right?” he asks, watching me carefully, “I never have been and I doubt that I ever will.”
I have to laugh at that. “Okay, no, that has not escaped my attention,” I assure him once I get the giggles under control, “But that’s okay, too. If I need to ask, I will. If it is something that I can wait for you to tell me yourself, then I will. It’s that simple for me.”
“Yeah, okay,” he smiles, relaxing back in his seat, “Can I tell you now?”
“Nathan!” I sigh, exasperated, “I just told you that you can tell me whenever you’re ready. If that’s now…well, yay!”
He laughs a little at that before turning back to look pensively out the window. It’s a few more minutes of silent driving before he speaks again. “You should show me around Durham someday,” he suggests, “Show me all the places you used to hang out with your friends.”
“Okay,” I drawl out, unsure of what he’s doing, if this is a delay tactic, “Maybe you and Mere can come in one afternoon, I can sneak out of work early, and we can wander the campus.”
“Sure,” he grins, “It’s no UConn, but it’ll have to do, I suppose.”
“Ha ha,” I snort, rolling my eyes, “Well, I have it on good authority that things are much prettier here, so neener.”
“I don’t know how to talk to Luke anymore,” he says suddenly, “I don’t know what we are. We…we aren’t friends, I killed that, and I don’t think we’re really brothers.”
I look over at him, surprised. “Nathan, being his brother isn’t some salient thing, you know. It’s something that just is.”
“He doesn’t seem to like me much anymore, not that I can really blame him for that, I guess.”
“Nathan,” I sigh, unsure what to say, how to make this better for him, “He loves you. He’s…I guess he’s angry with you, but he loves you. That doesn’t just change.”
He shrugs tiredly. “Maybe not. You saw that, though. He just…he’s so angry with me, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to change that, to fix it. So we’re just stagnant right now. He hates me, and I can’t do anything about it.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, because I’m not trying to criticize you or argue with you,” I begin cautiously, stealing sidelong glances at him to gauge his reaction, “But it’s less that you can’t do anything about it and more that you won’t. Have you tried? Really tried?”
“Haley,” he sighs, looking back out the window, the set of his jaw terse.
“No, Nathan, tell me when you’ve honestly made an effort with him,” I push, knowing that this is a fine line to walk with Nathan, “For years, you’ve had problems with your brother and your father and your mother, and I’ve let you be with those. I haven’t pushed you, I haven’t tried to force you to work them out my way. But now you’re saying there’s nothing you can do, and I really don’t believe that.”
“Maybe there are people each of us aren’t meant to be close to,” he suggests, but I know he doesn’t mean that. Some comments are borne out of truth; others out of frustration.
I let that comment hang for a minute, waiting to see if he’ll add anything to it or take it back. When he doesn’t, I respond, “That’s ridiculous, and you know it.”
“I don’t know that I do know that anymore,” he contradicts, but there’s no heat behind the words, “Do I even know anything anymore?”
“What’s this all about?” I ask calmly, “Really. No holds barred, just tell me the truth. Is it more than just things with Luke?”
He shakes his head, denying that. After a moment, though, he shrugs. “It’s Luke, but I guess it’s also Dan.”
I nod, a little surprised, but really, when it comes down to it, maybe I expected that. “I know that me saying this doesn’t make it so for you, necessarily, but their relationship doesn’t change how they feel about you.”
“My brother hates me,” he laughs bitterly, “Maybe changing that would be a good thing.”
“He doesn’t hate you!” I exclaim, smacking my fist on the steering wheel, “Quit pouting and open your eyes, Nathan! He’s mad at you, and hey, maybe you’re right, he has good reasons to be. But you know as well as I do that anger doesn’t take away from love, so I don’t know what you’re on about with this.”
“So what am I supposed to do then?” he yells back, not angry, but rather frustrated with the situation and his inability to make it magically better, “Why don’t you tell me, if you know so much!”
“Oh, knock it off,” I snap tiredly, “We both know you aren’t mad at me, and picking a fight isn’t going to make me forget about this. Look, just talk to him. Talk to both of them. That’s what you need to do, and you know it as well as I do.”
He doesn’t answer that, but he nods, and maybe - just maybe - this time he’ll follow through, and it will be the start of something better for him. And for us.
Maybe someday it won’t feel like everything is a battle.