'Getting It All Back' - Chapter Nineteen Pt. 1
Chapter Nineteen - Thunder Road
‘Don't run back inside
darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore’ - Springsteen
~*~Late July, 2014~*~
“I can’t believe we’re trying this again,” Tim mutters quietly to me when everyone else is out of earshot.
To be honest, I can’t either. Scott family functions seem to end in someone storming off, someone crying, or nasty words being hurtled; or any combination of the three. They aren’t fun, they aren’t really emotionally safe, and while we’ve avoided violence so far, I’m not sure that’s something that will always hold true if we keep things the way they are now.
“Yeah, well, we’re gluttons for awkward family gatherings in these here parts,” I sigh, stifling a chuckle, “It’s just not a party without high levels of complete awkwardness. And hey, I’m feeling it on all ends. Deb is still pissed at me for not calling her when Mere got her stitches, and Brooke is being all frosty still. Can’t win for trying.”
“She’ll come around,” he promises me for the millionth time, “And until then, ignore her.” I raise my eyebrows at him in surprise. “What? She’s being ridiculous, and I know it as well as she does. Well, I probably know better than her, but she knows it, too. You’ve tried everything, and she’ll come around when she does.”
“Too bad I hate waiting so much,” I grump, frowning in the general direction of Brooke, my arms folded on top of my baby, “I wish she’d just hurry up and get it together. The wedding is in two weeks. I’d really, really like to be a part of it.”
The last part is, embarrassingly enough, said on a sniffle and followed by an effort to choke back a few tears. “Hey, James, I mean it, she’ll come around. Before the wedding, really,” he promises, rubbing my shoulder. “Don’t do that cry thing.”
“’Cry thing’?” I repeat incredulously, “It’s a wonder she’s still pissed at me when I’m sure you give her so many ample opportunities for anger.”
He crinkles his nose, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah, well, she gets over it faster with me. I don’t know why; it’s a Brooke thing, probably.”
I shrug, not really having an answer for that. Well… “She’s resented some of my choices for a long time,” I note a little dispassionately, “And that probably built up. I don’t know, Tim. It is what it is, right? I just…can’t worry about it as much right now as maybe I would at any other time. I have too much going on.”
He nods, and I know that he understands. That doesn’t put him on my side, and I know that, too, but at least he understands where I’m coming from, my position in all of this. “I just wish she’d let it go. That’s all she has to do now, you gave her the out. She just has to let it go. Like you said,” he sighs worriedly, shuffling his feet in a way I haven’t seen him do in years, “The wedding is in a month. If things aren’t better….”
“They will be,” I jump in to assure him. And I mean that - okay, I can’t ‘mean’ it, but I can certainly do my part to improve things with Brooke, whether she likes it or not.
He smiles in a bittersweet fashion. “Yeah, okay,” he nods, even though he clearly doesn’t believe it, “Well, at least Nathan and Brooke are managing to avoid each other. I doubt either of them would bother to hold their tongues today. That’s a small blessing, right?”
“Yeah, I agree immediately, smiling, “It’s something. And things will get better. Brooke and I won’t stay like this forever, you know.”
“I know,” he nods, “I just hate that it is like this at all.”
“Well, you and me both,” I laugh, shaking my head, “This is definitely not how things were meant to be.”
He nods. “I know,” he agrees, “But you’re right, things will get back to normal. Or as normal as they can be in Tree Hill. This place is like the Twilight Zone compared to the rest of the world.”
I roll my eyes at that assessment. “I don’t think it’s quite as bad as that,” I laugh, “And anyway, I think we make our own troubles.”
“But the Tree Hill part just makes us that much more susceptible to creating that trouble for ourselves,” he argues, nodding fervently along with his own argument, “It’s like a curse or something.”
“Whatever,” I shrug, watching as Brooke fawns over Lola. While I know they’ve become close, a part of me is also thinking that she’s doing it to rub things in my face. Point out how she doesn’t need me, how she still has friends that don’t have kids or almost-husbands that take precedence. Maybe this is something she’ll never be able to understand about my life.
“Hey, I’m gonna go hang out around the grill, feel like a manly man,” he grins, ruffling my hair before leaving. I sigh, leaning back in my chair. I’m trying really hard to not put too much into this thing with Brooke, but it weighs on me. The unfortunate part is that there isn’t much more I can do right now, short of taking all the blame on myself, and maybe this isn’t very objective, but I don’t think that is deserved. I have to wait her out now, and that’s hard.
Karen comes over, dropping into the seat that Tim vacated. “Well, how’s everything going? How are you feeling?”
“Like a bloated pig,” I sigh, smiling gratefully at her as she gives me an icy glass of water, “Other than that, okay. Good, even.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” she nods, smiling kindly. Karen has been my number one non-Nathan/Mere companion the last couple of months. Every chance I’ve had, I’ve spent at the café with her, just catching up and talking. Definitely the easiest relationship that I have. “Things still seem a little frosty from the direction of my ex-daughter-in-law,” she notes, crinkling her nose at the observation, “Am I going to need to set her straight?”
I grin at her, grateful to have someone, in addition to Nathan, so completely on my side in everything. “I think she’ll straighten out on her own, eventually. Unfortunately, it is beginning to look as if that won’t happen in time for the wedding. I just really hate that I’m missing that.”
She nods solemnly, sighing as she brushes her bangs off her forehead. “I can imagine. Well, perhaps she’ll come around in time for the wedding. I know excluding you further than she already has will be something that she’ll really regret eventually.”
“’Will’?” I parrot back, bemused, “Do you know something that I don’t know? Am I doomed to sit in the back row of the church with the husband and daughter that take up too much of my time for her liking?”
“I haven’t heard anything,” she denies, shaking her head, “But I know that she can really hold a grudge in a very spectacular way. I’m just afraid, for both of you, that she won’t come to her senses in time. That would be a shame.”
I nod, understanding what she’s saying, why she thinks that. “Maybe she won’t,” I agree, “And I guess that’s something we’ll both have to deal with if it comes to it. I guess I’m still holding out hope that it won’t. Even when I call or stop by, she’ll barely even talk to me before passing the phone to Tim or leaving the room. It’s just frustrating. I wish things were different.”
She pats my leg, and I know she wishes she could change this for me. “Honey, this just means that you will both appreciate each other so much more when you get things back on track. I promise you that.”
I can’t argue with that, so I don’t even try. But I can still feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I look over at her. “I just don’t want to miss being a part of their wedding,” I choke out in a whisper, “Four years, Kar. Those two were my constant companions for four years, and I don’t even get the impression right now that she wants me there. I keep trying, partially for Tim, but she’s giving me nothing.”
“I know, sweetie,” she sighs, wrapping her arms around my shoulders as I cry a little. Sometimes you just have to. Over a barely hanging on by a thread friendship while in the eighth month of a pregnancy seems like one of those times. “Some things never get easy. If they did, we wouldn’t appreciate them as much.”
“Did you get that off of a Hallmark card?” I giggle, dabbing at the corners of my eyes to blot away the tears.
“No, but if one of the guys said it, then that would probably be the case,” she laughs with me, “So, how are things on the other fronts? How’s Nathan doing?”
Karen is the only one that I mentioned anything about Nathan’s little breakdown to. He’d have been exceedingly angry with me if I mentioned it to Luke or Dan, and if I talked to Tim about it, he’d tell Brooke, and that would just give her more ammo. So Karen and Keith really are the only ones I’d have even dreamed of looking to for support in this one.
But she was great with it all, listened as I ran through the clinical side of it, how these things were to be expected, and let me cry when I talked about horrible it was to see him like that, so scared and hopeless. She was a rock for me, and with such a good role model, maybe I’m doing better for Nathan that I’d thought.
“He’s doing alright,” I tell her with a smile. Sometimes, I think that I have more confidence in his ability to remain in recovery than he does, but I also don’t think that is unhealthy or abnormal. Someone has to have faith in him, and I am more than happy it can be me. “I think he’s still nervous, I think that day with Mere really flashed out how fragile the recovery process is in his face, but we talk about it, and I think that helps him.”
“That’s natural, I suppose,” she notes, “I’m just glad that he can talk about it with you. It’s probably still hard for him, so the fact that he can start to open up with it is really something.”
“It was hard for both of us,” I admit, blushing, “It was so hard to talk to him about the things he did and said when he was using. It was hard to hear it and it was hard to say it. Actually, he was better at that part than me.”
She nods knowingly. “Deb is always fretting about that with him. She doesn’t seem to think that he’s capable of opening up, but maybe that’s because she’s never gotten that from him.”
I shrug, not really caring about Deb’s position or thoughts or feelings on this anymore. “He still doesn’t trust them. Both her and Dan tap into that little boy lost part of him where Dan browbeat him all the time and Deb was never there. I wish he’d deal with it because it would be so much better for him if he did, but I don’t know. Maybe that’s just not in the cards, right?”
“Maybe it isn’t,” she agrees, sighing. “I know that you don’t have much sympathy for her, but Deb really loves you all. She’s just not…that graceful in showing it always.”
I snort, rolling my eyes. “Well, I certainly believe that she loves Nathan and Mere, but I don’t think she has much use for me these days. I’m just that girl that took her son away.”
“I think you are a little more than that,” Karen teases, winking at me, “And she does love you. You’re right, she’s crappy at showing it, but she does love you all. Very much.”
“For her sake, and for Nathan and our children, I hope they can figure it out. But it is just too hard for me to worry about things like Deb and her feelings right now. It’s the same issue I have with Brooke. We all assign different levels of importance to things, priorities, and there is just no more room at the top of mine.”
Karen beams proudly at me. “That’s very mature, Haley. I’m proud of you. You’re a wonderful person, and you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”
I smile back at her. “I learned from the best. Thank you. You have no idea how much you and your family have made my life, but it is really amazing. I love all of you so much.”
“We know,” she assures me, “And we love you back.”
“So,” I start, ready for a lighter subject, “You think this delivery will be easier than with my little monster? They say second deliveries are easier, and I’m really, really hoping that isn’t a lie.”
“Oh, well, they’d like you to think that,” she grins, laughing a little, “But that’s just to give you a false sense of security up until your eleventh hour of labor.”
“Very nice,” I laugh, scrunching my nose up at the thought. It’s not like I haven’t gone through it before; actually that’s precisely it. I’ve been through it, and I know I want a shorter, easier one this time, damn it. Is that too much to ask for?
“You asked, my dear,” she retorts, “No, it will probably be easier. I think statistics are in your favor on that one. Eric was easier than Lucas, but that’s sort of been true in a lot of things so far. Of course, Luke had you there egging him on, getting him into all sorts of trouble!”
“Hey!” I squawk in protest, “No fair! Luke was definitely the trouble maker of the two of us! I was an angel all the way.”
“Did I hear my name?” Luke calls from over by the grill, “Hales, if you’re telling lies about me again, it’s on, pregnancy or not!”
I stick my tongue out at him after covertly checking to make sure Mere isn’t paying attention to me. She and Nathan are sitting on a blanket together, rolling a plush basketball back and forth. She’s giggling like it’s the greatest thing in the world, and I suppose it is. I can’t think of anything better off the top of my head.
“Luke, don’t bite off more than you can chew,” I throw back at him teasingly, “I can still kick your ass, eating for two or not!”
He comes over, flopping down onto the chaise lounge that I’d been using as a foot rest. At my glare, he grins widely at me. “Don’t be a pregnant prima donna,” he warns me, handing me some carrot sticks. He just shrugs at my incredulous look - he knows I hate these things. “You need some vitamins or something. I saw you eating those cookies earlier. Tsk, tsk.”
“Oh, shut up,” I grump, prompting a laugh from Karen and a wounded look from Luke, “I don’t need you telling me what I should be eating, Lucas. And, if you’re calling me fat, there is going to be an ass kicking like you won’t even believe.”
He rolls his eyes at me, his foot shooting out to lightly kick me in the shin. “You know I’d never say that, and for the record? I don’t think it either. You’re….glowing. Seriously, you look great.”
“Ass kisser,” I mutter, kicking back at him, “You suck.”
“Whatever,” he grins, retorting, “You’re just mad that your bod isn’t as hot as mine!” Karen groans at that, shaking her head at him. “What? It’s true, she’s jealous I’m hotter than she is!”
“Yeah, I’m really jealous of your ‘bod’,” I drawl, smirking at him, “I just wish I had the body of a prepubescent girl.”
He frowns, pouting at me. “Okay, now you’re just being mean.”
I shrug, throwing a carrot stick at his head. “You asked for it.”
“That you did,” Karen agrees, getting out of her chair, “Well, I am going to go make sure that my husband your father do not cook all the life out of the steak. You two behave. You’re too old to pick at each other like that all the time.”
“And Haley has kids!” Luke gasps with mock horror, “Oh, the craziness.”
“All the craziness is sitting right across from me,” I snip back at him, “It’s craziness personified.”
“Mommy, she’s mean,” he whines, laughing when Karen rolls her eyes and throws her hands in the air, walking off without a backward glance. “She’s just no fun,” he says as he moves to the chair she vacated.
“Doesn’t get it,” I note in response, taking a chip from the plate he’s holding, “Thanks, chips are way better than carrots.”
“One day, you’ll get fat, and you can’t blame me,” he warns, leaning his head on my shoulder, “So, how’s things? Uh, how’s Nathan?” I open my mouth to tell him to ask Nathan, if he really wants to know, but he rushes on. “If he’d tell me, I’d ask. It’s just awkward with us right now, but I genuinely want to know how he’s doing. If things are okay for him, if I can do anything.”
Taking a deep breath, I sigh. “Talk to him, Luke. Just talk to him and don’t judge and don’t push.”
“Is that how you deal with him?”
I glare at him in exasperation. “I don’t ‘deal’ with him, Luke! I love him, I live with him, I talk to him, I laugh with him! It isn’t about ‘dealing’; that’s not how I want to interact with him. God, that shouldn’t be how anyone wants to interact with him! And you know, I defend you guys, over and over, tell him that he needs to talk to you, that he needs to bend a little, but why? Why do I even bother with this when you clearly have no respect for him at all?” I hiss, not keen on causing a scene, but unable to stop myself from getting this off my chest, either.
He leans back, shaking his head. “It’s nice that you’re so defensive of him,” he starts, his tone mild, “But maybe you should let him fight his own battles. He’s plenty good at it.”
“Why should he have to?” I persist, “Why should he even bother, Luke? He knows you disapprove, which I guess is your right, so where in that is the incentive for him to even try?”
He opens his mouth to respond, but snaps it shut. Seeming to deflate, he sinks back into the cushion of the couch. “Maybe you’re right,” he concedes, shrugging his shoulders tiredly, “I don’t know anymore.”
Sighing, I lean forward. “Why can’t you cut him some slack, Luke? It’s not like you’re perfect either. It isn’t like you haven’t made mistakes. And fine, his were big ones, but he’s worked so hard to put that part of his life behind him, behind us. Give him a little credit, please.”
He nods, and I can see that he isn’t just doing it to appease me. “I wish I knew what to say to him,” he admits, “Or I wish I could keep my mouth shut on the things he doesn’t want to hear. That might let things go a little smoother.”
I roll my eyes. Men! The answer is so obvious, so simple, that I can’t believe it doesn’t occur to any of them. “Why don’t you bring up a neutral subject, you douchebag!” I admonish him, “Hello, talk about baseball or something. Ask him what his course of study will be once he starts school again this fall.” I shake my head, exasperated. “I don’t get why it is so hard for you to pick something to talk about that isn’t a hot button.”
He rolls his eyes at me, showing his own exasperation. “Honestly, Hales. What isn’t a hot button issue in this family?”
“If you really care, you’ll find something,” I suggest icily, “It isn’t like I’m asking you to perform open heart surgery on a whim, Luke. I’m asking you to not be an asshole. Is the assholism really that ingrained in you now?”
I can tell what I’ve said wounds him, but I don’t know that I really care right now. I’m tired of Nathan taking all the hits here, of him feeling like he’s not wanted or worthy of this family. Things couldn’t be further from the truth, and I for one am not going to act like things are okay here when they so definitely aren’t.
“Jesus,” he mutters, looking away from me, his gaze flicking over to where his girlfriend stands laughing with his ex-wife, “That’s really what you think of me now?”
It hurt him, what I said. But what he’s said and done to Nathan has hurt not only Nathan, but me as well. And maybe it is selfish of me, but I want him to know that. And maybe it is mercenary of me, but I want him to feel it, too.
“Not in that scathing of terms,” I capitulate, “But in essence, yes, it is.”
“Wow, that’s harsh,” he mutters, shaking his head, “I can’t believe that you’d put all this off on me like this.”
I snort, rather indelicately, at that. “Yeah, well, if you can do it to Nathan, I suppose that I can do it for him, huh?”
He puffs out an angry breath, rolling his eyes. “Then this is some twisted form of payback because I don’t relate well with my brother?”
“No, this is because you don’t even seem to want to give him a chance, Lucas! Have you given him any credit for the strides he’s made? Have you bothered to read about addiction, to see if maybe you could gain a little understanding? Because it’s there, you can find that. But the thing is, you have to look. You have to take the time to look, you have to actually want it.”
“I do want things with him to be better,” he states earnestly, “I don’t like the way they are. I don’t like that it hurts him to see that Dad and I are close now.”
“Yeah, but the thing is, you don’t do anything to make him feel better about it. So maybe you feel bad, but it’s not like that is any kind of incentive for you to change. Just include him once in awhile,” I plead, inwardly sighing - Nathan is not one to appreciate me fighting his battles, but sometimes, some things need to be said.
And I’m not trying to take anything away from Luke and what he’s made out of his relationship with Dan. It wasn’t easy for either of them, but they’ve forged something that is strong and good. But neither of them understand just how hard that is for Nathan to see that. I wish they knew how excluded he felt, how much of a slap in the face it is that they’ve become father and son in a true sense of the word.
Luke sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to say to Nathan now,” he admits, defeated, “And I really don’t get the sense that he wants to do anything with Dad and I, you know? We just seem to be where he wants to focus his anger, and maybe that’s what it has to be.”
“Oh, knock that shit off,” I glare at him, frustrated beyond belief. Is this a guy thing? “So he was mad, so what? He was high, too! And he’s neither of those things anymore.”
“Then what is he?” Luke challenges, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “What is he now if he’s not mad anymore?”
“He’s on the outside,” I answer simply, “And that hurts him, and I don’t like seeing him hurt, at all. Do something about it, Luke. Try, please.”
“Is he ever going to try?” Luke asks back, quietly, “Because this isn’t a one way street. And you can try and whitewash it all you want, but the fact of the matter is, for years, Nathan has resented any interaction between me and Dad to the point where he shuts us both out. For years, even back when we were in college.”
I can’t dispute that, and I wouldn’t do either of us the discredit of trying. “Maybe someday that will be something the three of you can talk about,” is all I can offer to him. “I’m sorry, Luke. Maybe it isn’t fair to push all of this off on you; I know how much Nathan matters to you. I know that you do want things for him to be okay.”
He manages to smile slightly at me at that. “I do, I really do. And I know they will be.”
“And how do you know that?” I ask in return, relaxing a tiny bit.
“Because he has you,” he says completely seriously, “And I know that you’ll make sure of it. You and Mere and that baby, that’s more than enough incentive for him to do his best. And I say this completely grudgingly - we all know that Nathan’s best is really damn good.”
When he says things like that, I melt a little and forget that he’s routinely made Nathan feel like crap lately. But it’s sweet enough that I can let some of the anger and frustration go, and remember that no matter what, Luke is my friend. Always has been, always will. Maybe that’s one of the things that bothers Nathan - that if Luke had to choose, he’d choose me. Take my side. Pick his best friend over his brother.
Meredith comes flying over, launching herself into my legs. Nathan gives me an exasperated look, and I just shrug back at him as I help her up to sit beside me. “Hi sweets, you being a good girl?”
She smiles at me, all sunshine and sweetness, “I good, Mama.”
I nod knowingly at her, smiling. “Um, I’m sure you are, baby. What were you and Daddy playing?” I ask her, even though I saw full well for myself.
“Ball,” she answers, her fingers brushing through my hair. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’re going to have a little girly girl rather than a baller, no matter how much Nathan hopes for the latter. “We play ball. Daddy silly,” she tells me, breaking into giggles.
“What kind of ball?” Luke asks her, reaching out to tickle under her chin, “You knocking him around at b-ball?”
She looks at him blankly for a second before swiveling her gaze to me. “Ignore crazy Uncle Luke, sweets. He’s weird,” I stage whisper to her, smirking at Luke, “Were you playing basketball with Daddy?”
She nods eagerly, smiling at Luke. “We play ball,” she repeats to him, like he’s stupid. He just nods, grinning at her in return.
“Should’ve known basketball would just be ‘ball’ in your house, like it’s the only kind out there,” he chuckles good-naturedly.
“It’s the only one that matters,” Nathan’s voice chimes in mildly, and I can’t keep the grin off my face when he leans down over my shoulder, pressing a kiss to my neck. “Hey, baby,” he whispers, for my ears only. Standing up, he looks down at Mere. “You being careful there, munchkin? What did we talk about with Mommy and the baby, kiddo?”
“I careful,” she frowns at him, leaning closer into my side, “I love Mama.”
He plucks her off my lap, swinging her into the air until she giggles. “I know you do, baby. But we have to be careful. Look how big that belly is,” he tells her, winking at me while I roll my eyes at him, “That thing could get into all sorts of trouble if we aren’t careful, right Merry berry?”
She giggles at him, holding her arms out for me. Nathan lowers her so that I can give her a kiss on the forehead. “I good, Daddy! I very good!”
“Yeah, yeah,” he sighs, setting her down on the ground. She sees Dan and immediately bounds off towards him. “Sometimes I think she likes him more than me.”
“Kids always like their grandparents better than their parents,” I assure him, laughing when he lifts me up to place me on his lap, “As I was saying, they like them better because they spoil them. We have to live with her, so we make boundaries. But your father doesn’t need to make boundaries with her since he gets to drop her off when she’s getting bratty.”
“Too true,” Luke grins, “Before my mom’s parents moved to Arizona, my grandmother used to spoil me like crazy. She’d stuff cookies into my backpack before Mom would pick me up. I would sit in my room all night eating cookies.”
Nathan laughs with him, and I join in, too, afraid of ruining the moment. “He was such a porker when he was a kid,” I tell Nathan, “Acted like he didn’t know where his next meal was coming from, which was weird, since Karen had the café pretty much all along.”
“Shut up,” Luke mutters, glaring at me, “You always do that.”
“Do what?” I grin back at him, snuggling back against Nathan, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lukie.”
“If this is what Mere and Jr. here,” Nathan starts, gesturing at the baby bump, “Are going to be like, I think we can forget that.”
Knowing that he’s trying, trying hard, I grab his hand to squeeze it hard. Every day, he just gives me more and more reasons to be so damn proud of him.
“Ha,” Luke laughs, “Well, if it gives you hope, Eric and I aren’t like that at all.”
“You’re nineteen years older than him,” I scoff, smiling inwardly as Dan nods at Mere, feigning interest in whatever story she is telling him - probably about her dog - and even interjecting the occasional question.
“He’s a sport with her,” Luke points out quietly, completely off track from the easy feeling we’d established, “Kind of makes you wonder what it could’ve been like, huh? He had it in him all along, it just took so long.”
Nathan falls silent, and I want to kick Luke for even opening his big, fat, stupid mouth. God, doesn’t he ever know when to leave things alone? I’m about to say something - or worse, do something - when Nathan responds before I can.
“I guess it’s good that he found it at some point, for someone, huh? And I’d rather it be for my kids than me anyway.”
Luke raises his eyebrows at that, but this time refrains from saying anything born of assholery. “I guess that’s a good way to look at it,” he concedes, “I still just wish - well, you know. It doesn’t matter now, water under the bridge.”
“It’s really that easy for you?” Nathan asks him, and I feel almost trapped between the two in a way, “It’s as easy as water under the bridge?”
Luke shrugs, rolling his eyes. “Come on, man. You know that nothing about it was ever easy. But I guess there is a point where it becomes better to let it go. I don’t know, it isn’t like there’s a set way to deal with childhood traumas, you know? I guess we all just do our best with what we have.”
Nathan doesn’t say anything right away, his arms tightening just slightly around me, though. “Yeah, maybe,” he agrees quietly, and the tension radiates all around us, “Maybe that’s just how it is.”
“You should come golfing with us this weekend,” Luke spits out awkwardly, and the words just hang there in the gaping distance between them, “I mean, we go every weekend, but you should definitely come with us before Haley has you tied to the house chasing babies everywhere. Plus, school, right? Yeah, definitely sooner than later.”
Throwing a grateful smile Lucas’s way, I ease off of Nathan’s lap. “I’m going to see if Brooke wants to talk,” I explain, turning to bend and hug Nathan. I can’t help but whisper in his ear, “Think about it before saying ‘no’, okay, babe?” He smiles at indulgently at me, and I don’t know if that is a sign of agreement or not, but it’s something. “Maybe I can get Mere to eat something green while I’m up, too.”
Nathan and Luke both snort at that. “Good luck with that one,” Nathan grins at me, his hand drifting over my hip, “I’m sure she’ll be very receptive to the idea.”
“Scotts aren’t known for being big on their leafy greens,” Luke concurs, and the air between them thaws further. Getting me out of the equation seems like an even better idea now.
“Oh, hush, or I’ll bring her and her plate over here to sit with her daddy and her uncle Luke,” I threaten mildly, smiling sweetly at the both of them.
“Yeah, idle threats, Haley J,” Nathan winks at me, and I just wave a hand over my shoulder at him, making a food plate before collecting Mere from her grandfather. She comes with me happily, telling me about how Dan is going to get a kitten so that she can play with it when she visits. At least that’s what I think she’s trying to tell me; whether or not that is true or just something she thinks should be true is another thing.
I just nod along with her, holding her hand as we walk towards the benches that Brooke and Lola are sitting on, her plate in my other hand.
“Hi!” Lola smiles widely as we approach. Brooke makes a funny face at Mere, eliciting a laugh, but doesn’t look at me, “Meredith, you look so pretty in your dress.”
“Except for the grass stain,” I sigh wryly, “Even before Labor Day, three year olds shouldn’t wear white, huh?”
“Well, she looks about as gorgeous as gorgeous gets,” Lola maintains, “Seriously, she is so cute that sometimes she makes my uterus hurt. What’s going to happen when you pop out another one?”
I choke out a surprised laugh at that; that’s an interesting way of putting it, but any compliments towards my baby go straight to my heart. “Well, with a daddy as handsome as Nathan, how could they be anything but super cute, right, Mere?”
Brooke snorts at that, pure disdain written all over her face. Lola glances over at her, surprised enough at Brooke’s attitude to give me a little hope. At least she isn’t badmouthing me and Nathan to anyone who will listen, I suppose. “Or maybe this baby will be sporting some of the more unfortunate side effects of drug addiction, hmm?”
I gasp at that, standing up and grabbing Mere’s plate. “Here, sweets, take your plate over to Daddy and Uncle Luke, okay? You can eat with them.” She looks at me like I’m crazy - and hey, maybe it isn’t far off - but does as she’s told. “Be careful, baby, don’t spill.”
Taking a calming breath, I keep my eyes focused on Mere as she makes her way over to her father. Lola gets up, muttering something about making sure Luke is behaving himself, and quickly follows in Mere’s tiny footsteps. Nathan gives me a questioning look, and I shake my head tersely in reply to his silent question.
Turning back around, I know that I’m probably leveling one of the nastiest looks ever to cross my face on her right now. And I don’t even care. I don’t care anymore. She’s disparaged just about everything in my life, and no matter how abandoned or neglected by me she feels, it isn’t fair. It’s not right, and it isn’t fair of her to treat me this.
“Fuck you, Brooke,” I hiss in a low voice, refusing to drag everyone into this immediately. I’m not so naïve as to think it couldn’t escalate into a good, old family fight, but right now, I want to keep this one on one. “You have no right to act this way towards me. I’ve never been anything but a good friend to you. I don’t lie to you, I’ve kept your secrets, I’ve laughed and cried and studied and danced and done everything with you! And still, you act like this to me.”
“I did all those same things for you,” she retorts coldly, not even deigning to look at me, “And that still wasn’t good enough to make me even the slightest priority in your life, so I don’t know why you’re acting so distraught over this.”
“An act? You think this is an act? That’s…I don’t even know what to say to that,” I mutter sadly, suddenly feeling drained and tired, “You’re selfish, Brooke Davis. You’re selfish and you’re ignorant and you’re pathetic.”
She finally turns her gaze on me, anger blazing in those eyes of her, the ones that have always let me read her. The ones that have been so shuttered lately that she’s seemed like a different person. “How fucking dare you call me selfish,” she spits out, angrily biting into her lower lip, “I’m not the one who turns her back on everyone and everything that supposedly mattered to her for a washed up druggie. So don’t you talk to me about selfish, Haley fucking James.”
Nodding to myself with the realization that there is nothing I can say or do here, I stand up. “Fine, that’s…fine. You can’t even give me an inch, so I won’t ask for one. I’m sorry that I can’t be an orbiting planet to your center of the universe sun in a way that satisfies you, so I’m through trying. I have more important things to worry about than catering to your whims of selfish insecurities.” I turn to leave, but can’t resist looking back at her one last time. “Don’t think that you aren’t the one missing out, Brooke. If you can’t be a decent person to Nathan, you aren’t welcome around anyone in my family any more.”
She gapes at me, jumping up to lay a hand on my shoulder. “You’re banning me from Mere’s life? Oh, that’s rich, Haley. You’re such a good mom,” she coos mockingly, “Ripping away people that are actually good for your daughter but letting her stay in constant contact with verbally abusive drug addicts! Yeah, I see how that works.”
I smile tightly at her. “Just forget it, Brooke. Forget it all. You’ve obviously forgotten the years of friendship up to this point, so just forget the rest. It didn’t take you long to sweep me under the rug, so I’m sure it won’t take you long to turn on Mere, too.”
Shaking off her hand, I walk stiffly back over to Nathan and Mere and Luke and Lola. The three of them are working hard to distract Mere, and it is only then that I realize everyone else is staring at us - obviously things got loud. Not that I didn’t expect that, but it would’ve been nice to have avoided that.
“You okay?” Nathan asks quietly when I sit down beside him. I shake my head, and he puts his arm around me, hugging me to his side. “Aw, baby, I’m sorry.”
Once I’m in his arms, the harshness of the words that flew out of both of our mouths hits me, and the impact is staggering. Shaking my head, I bury my face in his shoulder, unable to say anything about it. The only thing that keeps me from losing it altogether, other than the knowledge that everyone is most assuredly staring at me right now, is that his arms are around me.
“Should we go home?” he whispers into my hair, “We could set Mere up with a movie and then I could spend the rest of the night pampering you.”
I pull back, smiling gratefully at him. “No, that’s okay. I’m fine, this - this is a mess of my making, and I’ll just suck it up and deal with it.”
He looks at me doubtfully, but nods his agreement. “If that’s what you want, but just tell me if you need something different.”
And this is the guy that Brooke is choosing to hate and blame for everything? It doesn’t even compute that she’d be this way about him, that she’d be so willfully blind to his progress and his good points. That she couldn’t even try.
”I love you,” I whisper to him, my hand drifting up to lay on his cheek. “Thank you for being here for me.”
He shakes his head, smiling sadly. “I’m just sorry that I’m causing problems for you with your friends,” he sighs, “You know that wasn’t ever my intention.”
“God, of course I know that!” I exclaim softly, not even caring anymore that Luke and Lola can hear all of this, “She’s being a selfish bitch, and she’s angry at me and she knows the best things to say to hurt me. That’s all. It’ll blow over.”
I say that, but I don’t know that I feel it anymore. The situation blows, but there really doesn’t seem to be a good indicator here that anything is going to blow over.
‘Don't run back inside
darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore’ - Springsteen
~*~Late July, 2014~*~
“I can’t believe we’re trying this again,” Tim mutters quietly to me when everyone else is out of earshot.
To be honest, I can’t either. Scott family functions seem to end in someone storming off, someone crying, or nasty words being hurtled; or any combination of the three. They aren’t fun, they aren’t really emotionally safe, and while we’ve avoided violence so far, I’m not sure that’s something that will always hold true if we keep things the way they are now.
“Yeah, well, we’re gluttons for awkward family gatherings in these here parts,” I sigh, stifling a chuckle, “It’s just not a party without high levels of complete awkwardness. And hey, I’m feeling it on all ends. Deb is still pissed at me for not calling her when Mere got her stitches, and Brooke is being all frosty still. Can’t win for trying.”
“She’ll come around,” he promises me for the millionth time, “And until then, ignore her.” I raise my eyebrows at him in surprise. “What? She’s being ridiculous, and I know it as well as she does. Well, I probably know better than her, but she knows it, too. You’ve tried everything, and she’ll come around when she does.”
“Too bad I hate waiting so much,” I grump, frowning in the general direction of Brooke, my arms folded on top of my baby, “I wish she’d just hurry up and get it together. The wedding is in two weeks. I’d really, really like to be a part of it.”
The last part is, embarrassingly enough, said on a sniffle and followed by an effort to choke back a few tears. “Hey, James, I mean it, she’ll come around. Before the wedding, really,” he promises, rubbing my shoulder. “Don’t do that cry thing.”
“’Cry thing’?” I repeat incredulously, “It’s a wonder she’s still pissed at me when I’m sure you give her so many ample opportunities for anger.”
He crinkles his nose, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah, well, she gets over it faster with me. I don’t know why; it’s a Brooke thing, probably.”
I shrug, not really having an answer for that. Well… “She’s resented some of my choices for a long time,” I note a little dispassionately, “And that probably built up. I don’t know, Tim. It is what it is, right? I just…can’t worry about it as much right now as maybe I would at any other time. I have too much going on.”
He nods, and I know that he understands. That doesn’t put him on my side, and I know that, too, but at least he understands where I’m coming from, my position in all of this. “I just wish she’d let it go. That’s all she has to do now, you gave her the out. She just has to let it go. Like you said,” he sighs worriedly, shuffling his feet in a way I haven’t seen him do in years, “The wedding is in a month. If things aren’t better….”
“They will be,” I jump in to assure him. And I mean that - okay, I can’t ‘mean’ it, but I can certainly do my part to improve things with Brooke, whether she likes it or not.
He smiles in a bittersweet fashion. “Yeah, okay,” he nods, even though he clearly doesn’t believe it, “Well, at least Nathan and Brooke are managing to avoid each other. I doubt either of them would bother to hold their tongues today. That’s a small blessing, right?”
“Yeah, I agree immediately, smiling, “It’s something. And things will get better. Brooke and I won’t stay like this forever, you know.”
“I know,” he nods, “I just hate that it is like this at all.”
“Well, you and me both,” I laugh, shaking my head, “This is definitely not how things were meant to be.”
He nods. “I know,” he agrees, “But you’re right, things will get back to normal. Or as normal as they can be in Tree Hill. This place is like the Twilight Zone compared to the rest of the world.”
I roll my eyes at that assessment. “I don’t think it’s quite as bad as that,” I laugh, “And anyway, I think we make our own troubles.”
“But the Tree Hill part just makes us that much more susceptible to creating that trouble for ourselves,” he argues, nodding fervently along with his own argument, “It’s like a curse or something.”
“Whatever,” I shrug, watching as Brooke fawns over Lola. While I know they’ve become close, a part of me is also thinking that she’s doing it to rub things in my face. Point out how she doesn’t need me, how she still has friends that don’t have kids or almost-husbands that take precedence. Maybe this is something she’ll never be able to understand about my life.
“Hey, I’m gonna go hang out around the grill, feel like a manly man,” he grins, ruffling my hair before leaving. I sigh, leaning back in my chair. I’m trying really hard to not put too much into this thing with Brooke, but it weighs on me. The unfortunate part is that there isn’t much more I can do right now, short of taking all the blame on myself, and maybe this isn’t very objective, but I don’t think that is deserved. I have to wait her out now, and that’s hard.
Karen comes over, dropping into the seat that Tim vacated. “Well, how’s everything going? How are you feeling?”
“Like a bloated pig,” I sigh, smiling gratefully at her as she gives me an icy glass of water, “Other than that, okay. Good, even.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” she nods, smiling kindly. Karen has been my number one non-Nathan/Mere companion the last couple of months. Every chance I’ve had, I’ve spent at the café with her, just catching up and talking. Definitely the easiest relationship that I have. “Things still seem a little frosty from the direction of my ex-daughter-in-law,” she notes, crinkling her nose at the observation, “Am I going to need to set her straight?”
I grin at her, grateful to have someone, in addition to Nathan, so completely on my side in everything. “I think she’ll straighten out on her own, eventually. Unfortunately, it is beginning to look as if that won’t happen in time for the wedding. I just really hate that I’m missing that.”
She nods solemnly, sighing as she brushes her bangs off her forehead. “I can imagine. Well, perhaps she’ll come around in time for the wedding. I know excluding you further than she already has will be something that she’ll really regret eventually.”
“’Will’?” I parrot back, bemused, “Do you know something that I don’t know? Am I doomed to sit in the back row of the church with the husband and daughter that take up too much of my time for her liking?”
“I haven’t heard anything,” she denies, shaking her head, “But I know that she can really hold a grudge in a very spectacular way. I’m just afraid, for both of you, that she won’t come to her senses in time. That would be a shame.”
I nod, understanding what she’s saying, why she thinks that. “Maybe she won’t,” I agree, “And I guess that’s something we’ll both have to deal with if it comes to it. I guess I’m still holding out hope that it won’t. Even when I call or stop by, she’ll barely even talk to me before passing the phone to Tim or leaving the room. It’s just frustrating. I wish things were different.”
She pats my leg, and I know she wishes she could change this for me. “Honey, this just means that you will both appreciate each other so much more when you get things back on track. I promise you that.”
I can’t argue with that, so I don’t even try. But I can still feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I look over at her. “I just don’t want to miss being a part of their wedding,” I choke out in a whisper, “Four years, Kar. Those two were my constant companions for four years, and I don’t even get the impression right now that she wants me there. I keep trying, partially for Tim, but she’s giving me nothing.”
“I know, sweetie,” she sighs, wrapping her arms around my shoulders as I cry a little. Sometimes you just have to. Over a barely hanging on by a thread friendship while in the eighth month of a pregnancy seems like one of those times. “Some things never get easy. If they did, we wouldn’t appreciate them as much.”
“Did you get that off of a Hallmark card?” I giggle, dabbing at the corners of my eyes to blot away the tears.
“No, but if one of the guys said it, then that would probably be the case,” she laughs with me, “So, how are things on the other fronts? How’s Nathan doing?”
Karen is the only one that I mentioned anything about Nathan’s little breakdown to. He’d have been exceedingly angry with me if I mentioned it to Luke or Dan, and if I talked to Tim about it, he’d tell Brooke, and that would just give her more ammo. So Karen and Keith really are the only ones I’d have even dreamed of looking to for support in this one.
But she was great with it all, listened as I ran through the clinical side of it, how these things were to be expected, and let me cry when I talked about horrible it was to see him like that, so scared and hopeless. She was a rock for me, and with such a good role model, maybe I’m doing better for Nathan that I’d thought.
“He’s doing alright,” I tell her with a smile. Sometimes, I think that I have more confidence in his ability to remain in recovery than he does, but I also don’t think that is unhealthy or abnormal. Someone has to have faith in him, and I am more than happy it can be me. “I think he’s still nervous, I think that day with Mere really flashed out how fragile the recovery process is in his face, but we talk about it, and I think that helps him.”
“That’s natural, I suppose,” she notes, “I’m just glad that he can talk about it with you. It’s probably still hard for him, so the fact that he can start to open up with it is really something.”
“It was hard for both of us,” I admit, blushing, “It was so hard to talk to him about the things he did and said when he was using. It was hard to hear it and it was hard to say it. Actually, he was better at that part than me.”
She nods knowingly. “Deb is always fretting about that with him. She doesn’t seem to think that he’s capable of opening up, but maybe that’s because she’s never gotten that from him.”
I shrug, not really caring about Deb’s position or thoughts or feelings on this anymore. “He still doesn’t trust them. Both her and Dan tap into that little boy lost part of him where Dan browbeat him all the time and Deb was never there. I wish he’d deal with it because it would be so much better for him if he did, but I don’t know. Maybe that’s just not in the cards, right?”
“Maybe it isn’t,” she agrees, sighing. “I know that you don’t have much sympathy for her, but Deb really loves you all. She’s just not…that graceful in showing it always.”
I snort, rolling my eyes. “Well, I certainly believe that she loves Nathan and Mere, but I don’t think she has much use for me these days. I’m just that girl that took her son away.”
“I think you are a little more than that,” Karen teases, winking at me, “And she does love you. You’re right, she’s crappy at showing it, but she does love you all. Very much.”
“For her sake, and for Nathan and our children, I hope they can figure it out. But it is just too hard for me to worry about things like Deb and her feelings right now. It’s the same issue I have with Brooke. We all assign different levels of importance to things, priorities, and there is just no more room at the top of mine.”
Karen beams proudly at me. “That’s very mature, Haley. I’m proud of you. You’re a wonderful person, and you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”
I smile back at her. “I learned from the best. Thank you. You have no idea how much you and your family have made my life, but it is really amazing. I love all of you so much.”
“We know,” she assures me, “And we love you back.”
“So,” I start, ready for a lighter subject, “You think this delivery will be easier than with my little monster? They say second deliveries are easier, and I’m really, really hoping that isn’t a lie.”
“Oh, well, they’d like you to think that,” she grins, laughing a little, “But that’s just to give you a false sense of security up until your eleventh hour of labor.”
“Very nice,” I laugh, scrunching my nose up at the thought. It’s not like I haven’t gone through it before; actually that’s precisely it. I’ve been through it, and I know I want a shorter, easier one this time, damn it. Is that too much to ask for?
“You asked, my dear,” she retorts, “No, it will probably be easier. I think statistics are in your favor on that one. Eric was easier than Lucas, but that’s sort of been true in a lot of things so far. Of course, Luke had you there egging him on, getting him into all sorts of trouble!”
“Hey!” I squawk in protest, “No fair! Luke was definitely the trouble maker of the two of us! I was an angel all the way.”
“Did I hear my name?” Luke calls from over by the grill, “Hales, if you’re telling lies about me again, it’s on, pregnancy or not!”
I stick my tongue out at him after covertly checking to make sure Mere isn’t paying attention to me. She and Nathan are sitting on a blanket together, rolling a plush basketball back and forth. She’s giggling like it’s the greatest thing in the world, and I suppose it is. I can’t think of anything better off the top of my head.
“Luke, don’t bite off more than you can chew,” I throw back at him teasingly, “I can still kick your ass, eating for two or not!”
He comes over, flopping down onto the chaise lounge that I’d been using as a foot rest. At my glare, he grins widely at me. “Don’t be a pregnant prima donna,” he warns me, handing me some carrot sticks. He just shrugs at my incredulous look - he knows I hate these things. “You need some vitamins or something. I saw you eating those cookies earlier. Tsk, tsk.”
“Oh, shut up,” I grump, prompting a laugh from Karen and a wounded look from Luke, “I don’t need you telling me what I should be eating, Lucas. And, if you’re calling me fat, there is going to be an ass kicking like you won’t even believe.”
He rolls his eyes at me, his foot shooting out to lightly kick me in the shin. “You know I’d never say that, and for the record? I don’t think it either. You’re….glowing. Seriously, you look great.”
“Ass kisser,” I mutter, kicking back at him, “You suck.”
“Whatever,” he grins, retorting, “You’re just mad that your bod isn’t as hot as mine!” Karen groans at that, shaking her head at him. “What? It’s true, she’s jealous I’m hotter than she is!”
“Yeah, I’m really jealous of your ‘bod’,” I drawl, smirking at him, “I just wish I had the body of a prepubescent girl.”
He frowns, pouting at me. “Okay, now you’re just being mean.”
I shrug, throwing a carrot stick at his head. “You asked for it.”
“That you did,” Karen agrees, getting out of her chair, “Well, I am going to go make sure that my husband your father do not cook all the life out of the steak. You two behave. You’re too old to pick at each other like that all the time.”
“And Haley has kids!” Luke gasps with mock horror, “Oh, the craziness.”
“All the craziness is sitting right across from me,” I snip back at him, “It’s craziness personified.”
“Mommy, she’s mean,” he whines, laughing when Karen rolls her eyes and throws her hands in the air, walking off without a backward glance. “She’s just no fun,” he says as he moves to the chair she vacated.
“Doesn’t get it,” I note in response, taking a chip from the plate he’s holding, “Thanks, chips are way better than carrots.”
“One day, you’ll get fat, and you can’t blame me,” he warns, leaning his head on my shoulder, “So, how’s things? Uh, how’s Nathan?” I open my mouth to tell him to ask Nathan, if he really wants to know, but he rushes on. “If he’d tell me, I’d ask. It’s just awkward with us right now, but I genuinely want to know how he’s doing. If things are okay for him, if I can do anything.”
Taking a deep breath, I sigh. “Talk to him, Luke. Just talk to him and don’t judge and don’t push.”
“Is that how you deal with him?”
I glare at him in exasperation. “I don’t ‘deal’ with him, Luke! I love him, I live with him, I talk to him, I laugh with him! It isn’t about ‘dealing’; that’s not how I want to interact with him. God, that shouldn’t be how anyone wants to interact with him! And you know, I defend you guys, over and over, tell him that he needs to talk to you, that he needs to bend a little, but why? Why do I even bother with this when you clearly have no respect for him at all?” I hiss, not keen on causing a scene, but unable to stop myself from getting this off my chest, either.
He leans back, shaking his head. “It’s nice that you’re so defensive of him,” he starts, his tone mild, “But maybe you should let him fight his own battles. He’s plenty good at it.”
“Why should he have to?” I persist, “Why should he even bother, Luke? He knows you disapprove, which I guess is your right, so where in that is the incentive for him to even try?”
He opens his mouth to respond, but snaps it shut. Seeming to deflate, he sinks back into the cushion of the couch. “Maybe you’re right,” he concedes, shrugging his shoulders tiredly, “I don’t know anymore.”
Sighing, I lean forward. “Why can’t you cut him some slack, Luke? It’s not like you’re perfect either. It isn’t like you haven’t made mistakes. And fine, his were big ones, but he’s worked so hard to put that part of his life behind him, behind us. Give him a little credit, please.”
He nods, and I can see that he isn’t just doing it to appease me. “I wish I knew what to say to him,” he admits, “Or I wish I could keep my mouth shut on the things he doesn’t want to hear. That might let things go a little smoother.”
I roll my eyes. Men! The answer is so obvious, so simple, that I can’t believe it doesn’t occur to any of them. “Why don’t you bring up a neutral subject, you douchebag!” I admonish him, “Hello, talk about baseball or something. Ask him what his course of study will be once he starts school again this fall.” I shake my head, exasperated. “I don’t get why it is so hard for you to pick something to talk about that isn’t a hot button.”
He rolls his eyes at me, showing his own exasperation. “Honestly, Hales. What isn’t a hot button issue in this family?”
“If you really care, you’ll find something,” I suggest icily, “It isn’t like I’m asking you to perform open heart surgery on a whim, Luke. I’m asking you to not be an asshole. Is the assholism really that ingrained in you now?”
I can tell what I’ve said wounds him, but I don’t know that I really care right now. I’m tired of Nathan taking all the hits here, of him feeling like he’s not wanted or worthy of this family. Things couldn’t be further from the truth, and I for one am not going to act like things are okay here when they so definitely aren’t.
“Jesus,” he mutters, looking away from me, his gaze flicking over to where his girlfriend stands laughing with his ex-wife, “That’s really what you think of me now?”
It hurt him, what I said. But what he’s said and done to Nathan has hurt not only Nathan, but me as well. And maybe it is selfish of me, but I want him to know that. And maybe it is mercenary of me, but I want him to feel it, too.
“Not in that scathing of terms,” I capitulate, “But in essence, yes, it is.”
“Wow, that’s harsh,” he mutters, shaking his head, “I can’t believe that you’d put all this off on me like this.”
I snort, rather indelicately, at that. “Yeah, well, if you can do it to Nathan, I suppose that I can do it for him, huh?”
He puffs out an angry breath, rolling his eyes. “Then this is some twisted form of payback because I don’t relate well with my brother?”
“No, this is because you don’t even seem to want to give him a chance, Lucas! Have you given him any credit for the strides he’s made? Have you bothered to read about addiction, to see if maybe you could gain a little understanding? Because it’s there, you can find that. But the thing is, you have to look. You have to take the time to look, you have to actually want it.”
“I do want things with him to be better,” he states earnestly, “I don’t like the way they are. I don’t like that it hurts him to see that Dad and I are close now.”
“Yeah, but the thing is, you don’t do anything to make him feel better about it. So maybe you feel bad, but it’s not like that is any kind of incentive for you to change. Just include him once in awhile,” I plead, inwardly sighing - Nathan is not one to appreciate me fighting his battles, but sometimes, some things need to be said.
And I’m not trying to take anything away from Luke and what he’s made out of his relationship with Dan. It wasn’t easy for either of them, but they’ve forged something that is strong and good. But neither of them understand just how hard that is for Nathan to see that. I wish they knew how excluded he felt, how much of a slap in the face it is that they’ve become father and son in a true sense of the word.
Luke sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to say to Nathan now,” he admits, defeated, “And I really don’t get the sense that he wants to do anything with Dad and I, you know? We just seem to be where he wants to focus his anger, and maybe that’s what it has to be.”
“Oh, knock that shit off,” I glare at him, frustrated beyond belief. Is this a guy thing? “So he was mad, so what? He was high, too! And he’s neither of those things anymore.”
“Then what is he?” Luke challenges, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “What is he now if he’s not mad anymore?”
“He’s on the outside,” I answer simply, “And that hurts him, and I don’t like seeing him hurt, at all. Do something about it, Luke. Try, please.”
“Is he ever going to try?” Luke asks back, quietly, “Because this isn’t a one way street. And you can try and whitewash it all you want, but the fact of the matter is, for years, Nathan has resented any interaction between me and Dad to the point where he shuts us both out. For years, even back when we were in college.”
I can’t dispute that, and I wouldn’t do either of us the discredit of trying. “Maybe someday that will be something the three of you can talk about,” is all I can offer to him. “I’m sorry, Luke. Maybe it isn’t fair to push all of this off on you; I know how much Nathan matters to you. I know that you do want things for him to be okay.”
He manages to smile slightly at me at that. “I do, I really do. And I know they will be.”
“And how do you know that?” I ask in return, relaxing a tiny bit.
“Because he has you,” he says completely seriously, “And I know that you’ll make sure of it. You and Mere and that baby, that’s more than enough incentive for him to do his best. And I say this completely grudgingly - we all know that Nathan’s best is really damn good.”
When he says things like that, I melt a little and forget that he’s routinely made Nathan feel like crap lately. But it’s sweet enough that I can let some of the anger and frustration go, and remember that no matter what, Luke is my friend. Always has been, always will. Maybe that’s one of the things that bothers Nathan - that if Luke had to choose, he’d choose me. Take my side. Pick his best friend over his brother.
Meredith comes flying over, launching herself into my legs. Nathan gives me an exasperated look, and I just shrug back at him as I help her up to sit beside me. “Hi sweets, you being a good girl?”
She smiles at me, all sunshine and sweetness, “I good, Mama.”
I nod knowingly at her, smiling. “Um, I’m sure you are, baby. What were you and Daddy playing?” I ask her, even though I saw full well for myself.
“Ball,” she answers, her fingers brushing through my hair. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’re going to have a little girly girl rather than a baller, no matter how much Nathan hopes for the latter. “We play ball. Daddy silly,” she tells me, breaking into giggles.
“What kind of ball?” Luke asks her, reaching out to tickle under her chin, “You knocking him around at b-ball?”
She looks at him blankly for a second before swiveling her gaze to me. “Ignore crazy Uncle Luke, sweets. He’s weird,” I stage whisper to her, smirking at Luke, “Were you playing basketball with Daddy?”
She nods eagerly, smiling at Luke. “We play ball,” she repeats to him, like he’s stupid. He just nods, grinning at her in return.
“Should’ve known basketball would just be ‘ball’ in your house, like it’s the only kind out there,” he chuckles good-naturedly.
“It’s the only one that matters,” Nathan’s voice chimes in mildly, and I can’t keep the grin off my face when he leans down over my shoulder, pressing a kiss to my neck. “Hey, baby,” he whispers, for my ears only. Standing up, he looks down at Mere. “You being careful there, munchkin? What did we talk about with Mommy and the baby, kiddo?”
“I careful,” she frowns at him, leaning closer into my side, “I love Mama.”
He plucks her off my lap, swinging her into the air until she giggles. “I know you do, baby. But we have to be careful. Look how big that belly is,” he tells her, winking at me while I roll my eyes at him, “That thing could get into all sorts of trouble if we aren’t careful, right Merry berry?”
She giggles at him, holding her arms out for me. Nathan lowers her so that I can give her a kiss on the forehead. “I good, Daddy! I very good!”
“Yeah, yeah,” he sighs, setting her down on the ground. She sees Dan and immediately bounds off towards him. “Sometimes I think she likes him more than me.”
“Kids always like their grandparents better than their parents,” I assure him, laughing when he lifts me up to place me on his lap, “As I was saying, they like them better because they spoil them. We have to live with her, so we make boundaries. But your father doesn’t need to make boundaries with her since he gets to drop her off when she’s getting bratty.”
“Too true,” Luke grins, “Before my mom’s parents moved to Arizona, my grandmother used to spoil me like crazy. She’d stuff cookies into my backpack before Mom would pick me up. I would sit in my room all night eating cookies.”
Nathan laughs with him, and I join in, too, afraid of ruining the moment. “He was such a porker when he was a kid,” I tell Nathan, “Acted like he didn’t know where his next meal was coming from, which was weird, since Karen had the café pretty much all along.”
“Shut up,” Luke mutters, glaring at me, “You always do that.”
“Do what?” I grin back at him, snuggling back against Nathan, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lukie.”
“If this is what Mere and Jr. here,” Nathan starts, gesturing at the baby bump, “Are going to be like, I think we can forget that.”
Knowing that he’s trying, trying hard, I grab his hand to squeeze it hard. Every day, he just gives me more and more reasons to be so damn proud of him.
“Ha,” Luke laughs, “Well, if it gives you hope, Eric and I aren’t like that at all.”
“You’re nineteen years older than him,” I scoff, smiling inwardly as Dan nods at Mere, feigning interest in whatever story she is telling him - probably about her dog - and even interjecting the occasional question.
“He’s a sport with her,” Luke points out quietly, completely off track from the easy feeling we’d established, “Kind of makes you wonder what it could’ve been like, huh? He had it in him all along, it just took so long.”
Nathan falls silent, and I want to kick Luke for even opening his big, fat, stupid mouth. God, doesn’t he ever know when to leave things alone? I’m about to say something - or worse, do something - when Nathan responds before I can.
“I guess it’s good that he found it at some point, for someone, huh? And I’d rather it be for my kids than me anyway.”
Luke raises his eyebrows at that, but this time refrains from saying anything born of assholery. “I guess that’s a good way to look at it,” he concedes, “I still just wish - well, you know. It doesn’t matter now, water under the bridge.”
“It’s really that easy for you?” Nathan asks him, and I feel almost trapped between the two in a way, “It’s as easy as water under the bridge?”
Luke shrugs, rolling his eyes. “Come on, man. You know that nothing about it was ever easy. But I guess there is a point where it becomes better to let it go. I don’t know, it isn’t like there’s a set way to deal with childhood traumas, you know? I guess we all just do our best with what we have.”
Nathan doesn’t say anything right away, his arms tightening just slightly around me, though. “Yeah, maybe,” he agrees quietly, and the tension radiates all around us, “Maybe that’s just how it is.”
“You should come golfing with us this weekend,” Luke spits out awkwardly, and the words just hang there in the gaping distance between them, “I mean, we go every weekend, but you should definitely come with us before Haley has you tied to the house chasing babies everywhere. Plus, school, right? Yeah, definitely sooner than later.”
Throwing a grateful smile Lucas’s way, I ease off of Nathan’s lap. “I’m going to see if Brooke wants to talk,” I explain, turning to bend and hug Nathan. I can’t help but whisper in his ear, “Think about it before saying ‘no’, okay, babe?” He smiles at indulgently at me, and I don’t know if that is a sign of agreement or not, but it’s something. “Maybe I can get Mere to eat something green while I’m up, too.”
Nathan and Luke both snort at that. “Good luck with that one,” Nathan grins at me, his hand drifting over my hip, “I’m sure she’ll be very receptive to the idea.”
“Scotts aren’t known for being big on their leafy greens,” Luke concurs, and the air between them thaws further. Getting me out of the equation seems like an even better idea now.
“Oh, hush, or I’ll bring her and her plate over here to sit with her daddy and her uncle Luke,” I threaten mildly, smiling sweetly at the both of them.
“Yeah, idle threats, Haley J,” Nathan winks at me, and I just wave a hand over my shoulder at him, making a food plate before collecting Mere from her grandfather. She comes with me happily, telling me about how Dan is going to get a kitten so that she can play with it when she visits. At least that’s what I think she’s trying to tell me; whether or not that is true or just something she thinks should be true is another thing.
I just nod along with her, holding her hand as we walk towards the benches that Brooke and Lola are sitting on, her plate in my other hand.
“Hi!” Lola smiles widely as we approach. Brooke makes a funny face at Mere, eliciting a laugh, but doesn’t look at me, “Meredith, you look so pretty in your dress.”
“Except for the grass stain,” I sigh wryly, “Even before Labor Day, three year olds shouldn’t wear white, huh?”
“Well, she looks about as gorgeous as gorgeous gets,” Lola maintains, “Seriously, she is so cute that sometimes she makes my uterus hurt. What’s going to happen when you pop out another one?”
I choke out a surprised laugh at that; that’s an interesting way of putting it, but any compliments towards my baby go straight to my heart. “Well, with a daddy as handsome as Nathan, how could they be anything but super cute, right, Mere?”
Brooke snorts at that, pure disdain written all over her face. Lola glances over at her, surprised enough at Brooke’s attitude to give me a little hope. At least she isn’t badmouthing me and Nathan to anyone who will listen, I suppose. “Or maybe this baby will be sporting some of the more unfortunate side effects of drug addiction, hmm?”
I gasp at that, standing up and grabbing Mere’s plate. “Here, sweets, take your plate over to Daddy and Uncle Luke, okay? You can eat with them.” She looks at me like I’m crazy - and hey, maybe it isn’t far off - but does as she’s told. “Be careful, baby, don’t spill.”
Taking a calming breath, I keep my eyes focused on Mere as she makes her way over to her father. Lola gets up, muttering something about making sure Luke is behaving himself, and quickly follows in Mere’s tiny footsteps. Nathan gives me a questioning look, and I shake my head tersely in reply to his silent question.
Turning back around, I know that I’m probably leveling one of the nastiest looks ever to cross my face on her right now. And I don’t even care. I don’t care anymore. She’s disparaged just about everything in my life, and no matter how abandoned or neglected by me she feels, it isn’t fair. It’s not right, and it isn’t fair of her to treat me this.
“Fuck you, Brooke,” I hiss in a low voice, refusing to drag everyone into this immediately. I’m not so naïve as to think it couldn’t escalate into a good, old family fight, but right now, I want to keep this one on one. “You have no right to act this way towards me. I’ve never been anything but a good friend to you. I don’t lie to you, I’ve kept your secrets, I’ve laughed and cried and studied and danced and done everything with you! And still, you act like this to me.”
“I did all those same things for you,” she retorts coldly, not even deigning to look at me, “And that still wasn’t good enough to make me even the slightest priority in your life, so I don’t know why you’re acting so distraught over this.”
“An act? You think this is an act? That’s…I don’t even know what to say to that,” I mutter sadly, suddenly feeling drained and tired, “You’re selfish, Brooke Davis. You’re selfish and you’re ignorant and you’re pathetic.”
She finally turns her gaze on me, anger blazing in those eyes of her, the ones that have always let me read her. The ones that have been so shuttered lately that she’s seemed like a different person. “How fucking dare you call me selfish,” she spits out, angrily biting into her lower lip, “I’m not the one who turns her back on everyone and everything that supposedly mattered to her for a washed up druggie. So don’t you talk to me about selfish, Haley fucking James.”
Nodding to myself with the realization that there is nothing I can say or do here, I stand up. “Fine, that’s…fine. You can’t even give me an inch, so I won’t ask for one. I’m sorry that I can’t be an orbiting planet to your center of the universe sun in a way that satisfies you, so I’m through trying. I have more important things to worry about than catering to your whims of selfish insecurities.” I turn to leave, but can’t resist looking back at her one last time. “Don’t think that you aren’t the one missing out, Brooke. If you can’t be a decent person to Nathan, you aren’t welcome around anyone in my family any more.”
She gapes at me, jumping up to lay a hand on my shoulder. “You’re banning me from Mere’s life? Oh, that’s rich, Haley. You’re such a good mom,” she coos mockingly, “Ripping away people that are actually good for your daughter but letting her stay in constant contact with verbally abusive drug addicts! Yeah, I see how that works.”
I smile tightly at her. “Just forget it, Brooke. Forget it all. You’ve obviously forgotten the years of friendship up to this point, so just forget the rest. It didn’t take you long to sweep me under the rug, so I’m sure it won’t take you long to turn on Mere, too.”
Shaking off her hand, I walk stiffly back over to Nathan and Mere and Luke and Lola. The three of them are working hard to distract Mere, and it is only then that I realize everyone else is staring at us - obviously things got loud. Not that I didn’t expect that, but it would’ve been nice to have avoided that.
“You okay?” Nathan asks quietly when I sit down beside him. I shake my head, and he puts his arm around me, hugging me to his side. “Aw, baby, I’m sorry.”
Once I’m in his arms, the harshness of the words that flew out of both of our mouths hits me, and the impact is staggering. Shaking my head, I bury my face in his shoulder, unable to say anything about it. The only thing that keeps me from losing it altogether, other than the knowledge that everyone is most assuredly staring at me right now, is that his arms are around me.
“Should we go home?” he whispers into my hair, “We could set Mere up with a movie and then I could spend the rest of the night pampering you.”
I pull back, smiling gratefully at him. “No, that’s okay. I’m fine, this - this is a mess of my making, and I’ll just suck it up and deal with it.”
He looks at me doubtfully, but nods his agreement. “If that’s what you want, but just tell me if you need something different.”
And this is the guy that Brooke is choosing to hate and blame for everything? It doesn’t even compute that she’d be this way about him, that she’d be so willfully blind to his progress and his good points. That she couldn’t even try.
”I love you,” I whisper to him, my hand drifting up to lay on his cheek. “Thank you for being here for me.”
He shakes his head, smiling sadly. “I’m just sorry that I’m causing problems for you with your friends,” he sighs, “You know that wasn’t ever my intention.”
“God, of course I know that!” I exclaim softly, not even caring anymore that Luke and Lola can hear all of this, “She’s being a selfish bitch, and she’s angry at me and she knows the best things to say to hurt me. That’s all. It’ll blow over.”
I say that, but I don’t know that I feel it anymore. The situation blows, but there really doesn’t seem to be a good indicator here that anything is going to blow over.