'Delusions of Grandeur' - Chapter Eight
Thank you to Becky for not only the inspired beta job, but for not letting me forget that I have things to finish.
Chapter Eight - The Binding Ties
“Um, so I guess you’re probably pretty pissed at me, huh?” Brooke asks Haley with a baleful expression on her face when she walks into their apartment. The girls haven’t seen each other in several days, as Brooke had been hiding out at the now empty Sawyer house while she dealt with her issues.
Haley regards her cautiously, unsure how to deal with Brooke these days. She’s up, she’s down, she’s left, she’s right - what is she supposed to do with that? “What do you want me to say?” she asks, wariness present behind the words. “I just - I expected Peyton to say things like that, but not you. Not like that.”
”I’m sorry,” Brooke whispers brokenly.
“It’s - you know, you know how hard I’ve been trying to atone for my mistakes, and you still said those things,” Haley sighs sadly. “It hurt.”
Brooke nods feverishly, edging closer to where Haley is kicked back on the couch. “I know, and I’m sorry, Hales. I - I don’t think those things. Luke was right; you went and chased your dream. Most of us are too afraid to ever do that.”
“Oh, Brooke,” Haley sighs, dragging her legs up against her chest and patting the spot beside her. Brooke sits down next to her, leaning her head on Haley’s legs. “Let’s just forget it, I know things have been hard lately. For everyone. But your best friend left, and things with Luke are tough. Believe me, I get it.”
“Maybe she wasn’t,” Brooke mumbles, barely audible.
“Huh?” Haley asks absent-mindedly, running a hand over Brooke’s hair.
“Maybe Peyton wasn’t really so much my best friend, right?” Brooke clarifies, sitting up. “I mean, best friends don’t just leave, not like that. Not saying she loves my boy, not just leaving when she knew I didn’t really have anyone else, not anyone like her. No family.”
Haley regards her solemnly, still not that excited at the prospect of defending Peyton, but knowing she probably should. “I’m sure it isn’t like that,” Haley sighs, shrugging at Brooke. “She just - you know how badly she’s wanted a parent that would be there for her. This was her opportunity for that, you know?”
Brooke rolls her eyes. “They could’ve stayed here,” she argues. “Ellie offered for them to stay here, so Peyton could finish up school. She just didn’t want to be here anymore.”
There isn’t much Haley can say that would take the sting out of that, so she doesn’t even bother with the platitudes on this one. “Well, then she sucks,” she offers.
“Yeah, she does,” Brooke agrees instantaneously, smiling widely. It drops off her face into a shyer smile, though. “What you did - it was different. You were running towards something. She’s running away. And Luke, he’s right - I run away, too. And I don’t want to run anymore.”
Haley feels like rocks are settling in the pit of her stomach at Brooke’s words. “What - um, what are you going to stop running from?”
Brooke shrugs carelessly. “Whatever comes my way. And you can wipe that terrified expression off your face; I know things are over with Luke. Some things just don’t last.”
“And when did you come to that conclusion?” Haley asks in surprise.
“Maybe I’ve known it all along,” she shrugs, looking at her friend with sad eyes. “Maybe I’ve known that it was always Peyton for him, and vice versa. How messed up is that?”
Haley smiles kindly at her. “If I were him, I’d have chosen you in a second. You have more loyalty in your pinky finger than she has in her whole body. You’re a good friend, Brooke Davis.”
“Even when I’m being a jerk?”
“Especially then,” Haley laughs. “Because sometimes we all need that, and sometimes we deserve it, too.”
“You didn’t deserve it,” Brooke says seriously. “You do the best with what you have. I’m proud of you, and I think you should know that.”
Haley looks down, tears in her own eyes this time. “Thanks, Brookie.”
“So, what’s going on with you and Nathan?” Brooke sniffs, her eyes teary and red-rimmed. “Any good news yet?”
“He kissed me,” Haley admits with a dreamy sigh as accompaniment. “It’s not like anything is settled, but it’s nice still. A relief, I guess.”
“I’m glad,” Brooke smiles softly, trying to wipe away the tracks of her tears. “You deserve happiness, Hales.”
Haley smiles back at her, squeezing her hand. “Thanks, Brooke. That means a lot to me. I know you guys all have reasons to doubt me, to doubt my heart, but I promise you, it’s here and it is one hundred percent for Nathan.”
Brooke rolls her eyes. “I don’t think anyone doubts that anymore. Well, maybe Nathan, but that’s just residual insecurity on his part. You know why I think it was worse for Nathan than it would’ve been for most people?”
She debates giving her friend leave to continue, but her curiosity has been piqued enough that she can’t help herself. “No, why?”
Brooke gives her what can only be described as the ‘duh’ look. “Because before you, Nathan Scott always got his way. Honestly, he got everything he wanted, and that changed some when you came into his life. He didn’t know how to deal with not having everything go his way right away.”
Haley raises an eyebrow. “Well, I mean, sure, Nathan is immature sometimes, but he’s not so bad. You know that.”
“Of course not,” Brooke agrees breezily. “I just meant that when you’re never challenged, when everything comes as easy as it did for him, the first time you don’t get your way, you don’t take it too well. I’m just saying.”
Haley thinks about what her friend is saying, and wonders if there isn’t some merit to it. If you’re given almost everything, or rather earn everything very easily, then maybe you aren’t as conditioned to deal with it when things don’t fall the way you want them to.
“So, anyway,” she says, gracelessly changing the subject, “Is it time to talk about your little situation yet?”
Brooke groans, flopping back on the couch. “I don’t even want to think about that nightmare, much less talk about it. God, I cannot even believe all that crap.”
“Well, we’re not going to just lie down and take it,” Haley assures her. “It’s bogus, and everyone knows it. And we’re going to make sure everyone knows it isn’t okay, either!”
Brooke looks at her doubtfully, her eyes barely open. “I don’t know, somehow I’m thinking the administration doesn’t care all that much if they let it happen in the first place,” she points out. “Maybe it isn’t even worth it!”
“Of course it is worth it!” Haley exclaims, nudging her friend on the thigh with her foot. “God, I can’t believe you’re letting this defeatism creep in now! We haven’t even started to fight this, and you’re all ready to give up. That’s pathetic, Brooke Davis!”
To Haley’s surprise, Brooke starts laughing. “You reminded me of myself with that little speech,” Brooke gasps out at Haley’s questioning look. “It was just weird.”
She’s not too sure what to make of that, so Haley just smiles back at her, shrugging. “Right, well, anyway, like I was saying, I’m not letting you give up on this. Even if I have to resort to sounding like you to do it!”
“Oh, you’re twisted and evil, I love it,” Brooke crows, clapping her hands delightedly. She sobers after a second, the weight of her predicament crashing back down upon her. “I just don’t know if any of this will do any good.”
“Well, maybe it won’t,” Haley concedes, “But would you rather let them screw you over like this? Brooke, this doesn’t just impact what you do in high school, you know! This impacts how colleges look at you! They are taking things away from you that aren’t even tangible yet!”
Brooke looks back at her friend, a resigned expression on her face. “If they aren’t tangible, do they matter?”
“If you roll over on this, Brooke Penelope Davis, I will have to kill you in your sleep!” Haley warns her with mock menace. Softening, she sighs. “Listen, you’re right in thinking this will be hard. And you’re right in thinking there are no guarantees in this. I can’t even promise we’ll win.”
“We?” Brooke asks quietly, uncharacteristically subdued.
“Hell, yes, we!” she half hollers in return. “I am not hanging you out to dry on this. I’m a good friend, contrary to what everyone apparently thinks these days.”
Brooke smiles widely at her friend and roommate’s assertion. “I know that. Never doubted it even for a second, Hales. But this is above and beyond anything that anyone has ever done for me.”
Haley loops an arm around her shoulders. “We’ll figure something out. You aren’t going down like this, not without a fight.”
“But I’m so good at going down,” Brooke teases, a little of her old sparkle entering her eyes. “I’m kidding. Well, that’s actually true, but I’m just playing.”
“I know,” Haley laughs, hugging her. “We will do something about this. You just have to be on board and willing to work. Hard work, Davis.”
“Oh, I am!” Brooke promises, nodding enthusiastically. “I want my damn life back.”
Haley nods, leaning back against the soft couch cushions. “Then we’re going to get it back for you.” She doesn’t know how or when, but she means what she just promised.
~*~
Maneuvering behind the counter of her café, mindful of the piping hot pot of coffee in her hand, Karen reflexively looks up when the bell on the door jingles, announcing a new customer. To her surprise, Dan is standing in the doorway, looking around awkwardly. She quirks an eyebrow at him, letting him see the questions she has over his appearance here.
“Hi,” he greets, his voice gruffer than he’d have liked, softer than she cared for. “I just came to see you. I mean, to talk about Luke, of course.”
“I’m not sure what there is to talk about,” she says warily, busying herself wiping off the counter. “You and Luke, if you want to work things out, then that’s between the two of you. Not me. I can’t do that for you, Danny.”
They both start at her use of his childhood nickname. When he left Karen behind, he left that part of himself behind, as well. Now, only his mother and brother use it, and the latter mockingly. If anything, the level of awkwardness around them ratchets up tenfold.
“I’m not asking for your help,” he promises, in some ways more to fill the uncomfortable silence than anything else. “I sort of wanted to get your opinion on something. Run something by you, see what you think of it.”
She arches a brow at him, more curious than she’d care to admit. “If it is campaign slogans, I was never good at coming up with cute catchphrases.”
That elicits a small smile from him, and she hates that the sight of it hits her in the heart a tiny bit. “Actually, I had this idea, and I was wondering if you think this is a good idea, a good way for me to hopefully make a new start with Luke, and Nathan, too.” This time she shifts in apprehension, dropping the dishrag to the counter. He sighs, noting her reaction. “I wouldn’t ask for anything, Kar. Nothing other than the use of a table in here once or twice a week, and maybe an hour or two of your time, if you’d eat with us.”
“You do realize that for some reason, the boys aren’t on the best of terms right now, don’t you?” she asks faintly, not caring that she’s letting on how flustered he is making her. “Maybe doing a group bonding session isn’t your best bet.”
He nods, letting her off the hook in regards to her obvious discomfort with all of this. “Maybe this will help with that,” he offers, bitterness clogging his throat. “They bonded over their mutual hatred of me once before, maybe they can do it again.”
“I hope you don’t expect me to feel sorry for you,” Karen begins, about to go on when he holds up his hand.
“I can be an inexplicably foolish man in many, many regards,” he says huskily, looking at her with an intensity that she can’t tear her gaze away from. “And I’ve made the kind of mistakes that have wrecked me. But I know better than that, and I don’t want you or anyone else feeling sorry for me. Just the same, knowing that I’ve made mistakes and that I deserve where I’m at doesn’t mean that I don’t want to work for better, especially with my sons.”
“You talk like it will be easy,” she retorts, shaking her head at him. “You act like you deserve another chance from those boys. You act like everyone should forget how you treated them, and let bygones be bygones.”
He shakes his head, rolling his eyes at her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he hisses. “There is nothing I want more than to forge at least civil relationships with both of my sons. I don’t have anything else anymore, but maybe one day I can have that. And you know what? It would be enough. It really would.”
She sighs, torn between giving in and pitying him, believing him just a smidge and brushing him off. “What you’re hoping,” she counters softly, “It’s a lot. More than you have a right to ask from either of those boys, Dan. I just hope you can keep that in mind when you’re dealing with them.”
He takes a seat on one of the stools. “I know that, Kare. I see that every day when I look in the mirror and I wonder how I got so old and so alone. I see the empty places at my table they could be filling, or the kids that work at the dealership - that could be them. Or if things had been different, if I’d been different, maybe we could play basketball together. They’d be on the same team, and I’d have to tell them to go easy on me, because I’m old and rickety.”
“Dan,” she sighs, shaking her head. “That’s - god, what’s wrong with you? Why couldn’t you have gotten this years ago?”
“I don’t know,” he sighs. “Maybe it’s just in my face now. What I could’ve had, what I did have, what I’m missing now. As if the empty house isn’t enough, I have Haley James breathing down my neck five days a week reminding me of all of it.”
Karen takes a deep breath at the mention of Haley. She’s become nearly as fiercely protective of her as she is of Lucas. “Speaking of Haley, I think that it is time that someone told me what is going on there. Why is she working for you? Why did you hire her?”
“There isn’t some great dastardly plan there,” he tells her, even though he knows she won’t believe it for a single second. “She’s smart,” he admits, surprisingly free of reluctance. “Smarter than I gave her credit for. I think I might actually respect her a little bit.”
She raises an eyebrow at him, unsure how to respond to that. “That’s all fine and well, Dan, but the fact remains, she’s not working for you because it is fun. And you didn’t hire her to be nice. So what was it? Are you blackmailing her? Holding some information you have on Nathan over her head?”
He shakes his head, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. It would hardly do to get impudent over her assumptions. “The truth is, she approached me with something, and this was the trade-off. I helped her, she’s helping me.”
“What the hell could you have possibly helped her with?” Karen wants to know, keeping her voice low so as not to draw attention from the few customers littering the tables.
“That’s her business,” Dan says neutrally. “Part of the deal was that we’d keep it between ourselves.” Sighing, he leans forward. “Look, this really isn’t what I came here to talk to you about.”
“Yeah, you want to talk about my son,” Karen grumbles, irritated with his vague answers and sidestepping. “But Haley affects my son. And if you’re hurting her, if you’re forcing her to work for you, so help me God - “
“It isn’t like that, Kar!” he exclaims, not caring that all eyes are on them now. “She and I might snap at each other a bit, and we don’t trust each other, but it’s not bad. I’m not hurting her, I’m not forcing her to do anything she doesn’t want to. I’m not even that rude to her very often. It’s a business arrangement, and believe me, she’s coming out on top in terms of compensation and benefits.”
Karen shakes her head. “I just don’t get it,” she sighs. “Haley won’t tell me what’s going on, says she ‘can’t’, and you won’t tell me, but hey, I couldn’t expect anything there. I just feel like there is something that I should know, something that I’m missing here.”
He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this strong of a wave of guilt before, but here it is, beating down on him. With everything that he has, with everything that he is, he wants to tell Karen the truth about Luke’s illness. He wants to take her in his arms and hold her while he promises her that they’ll make sure he’s okay.
He can’t, of course. And he can’t tell, either, because that would break things with Luke forever, and he knew that. Rock, meet the hard place. He was the nearly non-existent space between.
~*~
“Hey,” she greets carefully as the door swings open, eyeing her mother-in-law warily. “Is Nathan here?”
“He’s upstairs,” Deb answers cordially, enough so that Haley wonders just how good this divorce has been for her. “Why don’t you go ahead and go up?”
“Thanks,” is Haley’s quiet response, and she steps past the older woman, making her way up the stairs. She pauses in front of Nathan’s room, taking a deep breath before knocking.
“Go away, Mom,” is the muffled response that she gets. Ignoring it, she opens the door, pushing her way in. “I told you to go away,” he grumbles, hunched over the keyboard of his computer.
“You told your mom to go away, and since I’m not her…”
“Haley,” he says dumbly, his head snapping up and around to look at her. “What - did I forget something? Was I supposed to meet you?”
She shakes her head, hand still on the doorknob as she hovers in the doorway. “I just wanted to talk to you. To see you.”
“Yeah, okay,” he agrees, motioning towards the bed. “Just close the door behind you. Mom has been extra nosy lately. I don’t know what her problem is.”
“What are you working on?” Haley asks him as she settles on the bed. “Anything I can help with.”
“You don’t have to come over here and do my homework, Haley,” he tells her. “That’s not going to magically fix things.”
She nods, looking down at the quilt she’s sitting on top of. “I didn’t think it would. I was just offering to help if I could.”
He sighs, guilt for being so snippy, so instigative with her. “I’m sorry, ignore me. I have an English exam tomorrow - we have to write an essay on Macbeth, and I’m nowhere near prepared enough for it.”
“If I can help, I’d like to,” she tells him, but he shakes his head. “Really, Nathan, you know me, tutor geek extraordinaire.”
He gets up from his desk chair, moving over to sit down at the head of the bed. He pats the space beside him, and she scoots up to sit next to him. “I don’t want to waste our time studying,” he tells her seriously. “We can talk or watch a movie. Hey, maybe we could go to the store and get Macbeth to watch! That shit’s gotta be a movie, right?”
“Probably,” she agrees, smiling shyly at him. “If that’s what you want to do, that’s fine with me. I’m good to go.”
He shifts so that he is turned towards her, his knees brought up, resting against her thighs. “Let’s just stay here, huh?”
“Yeah, if you want, then I’d like that,” she agrees, her smile widening. Just the simple feel of the weight of his knee resting against her leg feels safe and like home to her. “Um, so how are your classes going? Besides Macbeth, of course.”
He smiles at her, reaching under her legs to lift them and drop them on top of his. “Classes are classes, Hales. Do you really want to talk about school?”
She grins at that, relaxing a little bit back into the cushion of pillows against the headboard. “No, I suppose I don’t want to talk about school. I’m just not sure what we can talk about.”
A bit of his smile fades away at that truth, and he sighs as he rests his forearms on her legs. “Well, what did you have in mind when you came over here?”
She shrugs dismissively. “I don’t really know.”
“Well, you must’ve at least had an idea of what you wanted to talk about, right?” he presses. “We can talk about that.”
“Really, Nathan, I just wanted to see you. A, um, a part of me figured you wouldn’t want to see me.” He raises his eyebrows at her, and she shrugs again, this time rueful. “I don’t know! It’s hard! I want to do and say a million things, but I’m so afraid that the one I start with will be the wrong one, and it will just slam the door shut on the progress that we’ve made. I don’t want to do that.”
“Hales,” he tries to break in, dismayed over the tears forming in her eyes, but she keeps going, venting her fears.
“And then, what if what I say the first time is okay, and even the second and fifth and twentieth? And then, then I say the wrong thing the hundredth time, and I’ve got all this hope built up, and - and - and it’s wrong, and I don’t deserve it, and I lose you again, and I can’t lose you again, Nathan!” she cries. “I can’t, I can’t. I just can’t do that!”
He pulls her onto his lap, shushing at her. “Hales, shh, baby, shh.”
“I’m sorry,” she hiccups, inwardly furious with herself for losing it like this. She wipes at her eyes, trying to get rid of some of the mess of makeup she’s sure is there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. God, I really did not want to do that tonight. This was - it was just so surprising that you didn’t kick me out, and I’m overreacting, and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Hales.”
“There’s a lot I have to apologize for,” she reasons. “Maybe that’s what we should talk about tonight.”
He shakes his head, disagreeing. “I don’t want to talk about the heavy stuff tonight,” he tells her, pulling her a little closer. “I’d rather just sit here like this, and let it all be.”
She relaxes in his arms, drooping against him a little bit. She can’t help but think that perhaps the secrets she’s been keeping, and the need to always be alert around Dan have wound her up to the point where she just snapped. She can’t think of any other rational reason for her mini breakdown just now. It doesn’t matter, she supposes, since Nathan was so nice about it and she’s in his arms now, but that’s not the way she wants to do this. She doesn’t want tears to suck Nathan in, and she doesn’t want him with her because he feels guilty.
“What are we doing?” she asks after a few minutes, lifting her head from his chest to look in his eyes.
“I’m holding you,” he replies, winking at her. “If you don’t know…”
“Don’t joke,” she admonishes lightly, sighing. “I mean it. Do you just feel sorry for me? I mean, because I started crying like a ridiculous baby.”
He shakes his head slowly, brushing an errant strand of hair off her face. “I don’t feel sorry for you, Hales. There are a lot of things that you make me feel, but pity isn’t one of them. I don’t know how to define what this is, but I’m not doing it to jerk you around or make you feel bad. I’m not.”
She nods, cuddling against his chest. “I never thought you were,” she sighs. “And I never thought it was more than I deserved, either. I know I messed up by leaving, Nathan. I get that. But now I just want to put that behind us so that we can move forward. I want to be your wife again.”
He takes a deep breath, unsure of how to respond. A part of him feels ready to let go, and move forward like she wants. But the other part of him, the brain part, tells him that it is too soon, the hurt is too fresh. He just isn’t ready to forgive, forget, and give her back all the power she had over him and his heart. He’s just not ready to be vulnerable again.
It’s just hard to say no to her when she’s lying on his chest, about as vulnerable as he’s ever seen her. It hurts him to know that he’s hurting her, and somehow, that takes away a bit of the sting from the hurt she caused. Not much, but some, since he knows that she is sorry. That she means it when she says she’d take it back, that she’d give anything to take his hurt away. He believes that of her, because he feels the same way.
Sighing, he presses a kiss to her forehead. “I can’t - I’m not ready to give you that yet, Hales.”
Pulling away from him, she moves back over to the other side of the bed, smiling sadly at him. “Yeah, I know, I’m asking for a lot.”
“I’m trying,” he whispers, hurt that she’d pull away from him. “I just can’t give you that yet. It takes time, I guess.”
She nods again, looking blankly over at his dresser. He knows that she sees the spaces where pictures of her should be, where pictures of them should be. Every little thing seems painful these days, like it is putting more space between them even as they ease closer together.
“Maybe I should get going,” she says quietly into the silence. “I could start working on Brooke’s case.”
He doesn’t want her to go - he knows that much, he can deal with that much. “Stay, Hales,” he implores her, grabbing her hand and sandwiching it between his own. “I don’t want you to leave.”
She manages a smile for him, slightly brighter than he expected, and he’s proud of her. Proud that she’s strong enough to fight for him, for them. Proud that she’s holding on for both of them, even when he couldn’t, and wouldn’t.
“I don’t want to go,” she says firmly. “It’s nice to be here with you.”
“Even if I can’t give you what you want?” he asks, his voiced clipped to mask the insecurities behind the questions.
She smirks at him, mimicking his own favorite look so well. “Maybe that makes it just that much more important.”
He grins back at her, laughing as she swings her legs back over his. “See, that’s one thing I love most about you, Haley; you always see the bright side and take the challenge in things.”
As he turns his attention to grabbing the remote and yakking about what they might watch, she knows that he didn’t realize what he said. She knows that it just slipped out, and somehow, that’s even better than if he had said it thoughtfully.
~*~
When she shows up for work the next morning, tired as all get out and not looking forward to another day of bantering and bickering with Dan, she’s still practically floating over Nathan’s inadvertent admission from the night before. Some things stick with you, what could she do?
But now here she was, ready to get knee-deep in work on Dan’s campaign, as well as handling any clerical work that comes up from the dealership. It wasn’t ideal - if things were, she’d be with Nathan right now, not skulking around trying to avoid his father. That’s possibly as far from ideal as she can get.
Then again, she isn’t sure exactly why she’s avoiding him. By all accounts, he seems…different, for lack of a better word. Of course, in the case of Dan Scott, different is not bound to be a good thing ninety percent of the time. Maybe even more often than that. Here he was, though, acting all human and feeling, and damn it, she didn’t know what she should do with that. Did she take it at face value? Dismiss it outright? He seemed to genuinely care for both of his boys, the two most important people in her world, and it seemed to be geared to more than just what glory they could bring him.
And that was new and exciting. She’d never, not one single time, gotten this vibe from him before. It was baffling, at best, and downright shocking at worst. Granted, he still doesn’t seem all that thrilled with her place in the boys’ lives, but she had to grant that it seemed like he was even beginning to accept that. Which was scary in and of itself.
For all the hard time that she was having accepting this allegedly kinder, gentler Dan, she knew that Nathan and Lucas, and Karen for that matter, were probably having a far, far harder time. Because they’d lived with the ruthless Dan Scott, the one that coldly turned his back on one son while nearly creating a monster in his image out of the other. The effects were deeper for all of them, and even if she could trust that he was sincere in his assertions that getting to know his boys was a priority to him, the only priority, she knew that it might not be something they’d ever trust or believe.
“Haley,” he greets, as she shuffles past his office, pretending to be concentrating on the papers in her hands, “Could you come in here for a second?”
She blinks, removing her reading glasses. “Can I help you?” she asks formally, wincing at the brisk sound of her voice.
“I don’t know,” he sighs. “I hope so. How’s Luke doing? You don’t have to tell me any details about his personal life, I just meant with the medications. Are they helping? Any side effects? Are they affecting him in any way?”
God damn him and his actually believable worry for Luke. It pains her that he’s fostering all this…good will, for lack of a better term, from her. His concern is evident, as is his caring. She can’t discount that, no matter how much she keeps trying.
“He’s okay, Dan. I don’t know that you’ll believe this, but if something was wrong, I would tell you. If he wasn’t reacting well to the meds, or he gets worse, I’d tell you. I’d have to tell Karen, and piss him off forever, but I’d tell both of you. That’s - that’s not something I’d hide for him.”
“I believe that,” Dan states solemnly. “I even believe that you’d tell me. Obviously, Karen was no question, but I do believe you’d tell me. Would you tell Nathan?”
“If something was immediately wrong with Luke? God, of course,” she asserts hotly, her back up at the mention of her husband’s name. “It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him now, half the time.”
“Why haven’t you?” Dan asks mildly, belying his interest in the matter.
She shrugs, fiddling with her glasses. “I promised Luke,” she sighs. “I think in some ways, he wants Nathan to know even less than he wants his mother to. I can’t talk him out of it, and you can believe me, I’ve tried.”
Dan nods thoughtfully. “Stubbornness seems to be a standard Scott trait. Some of it has even rubbed off on you.” He smirks at her raised eyebrows. “What? Surprised I acknowledged the familial connection? As much as I’d like to deny it, it is a little hard when it’s flashed in my face in the form of that wedding band of yours.”
“It’s always one step forward, one back with you, isn’t it?” she sighs. “Like, you actually seem human for ten minutes, but then you say or do something that brings it all back around to where we started.”
“I wasn’t trying to be rude,” he counters, rolling his eyes. “Listen, of all the things I’ve said about you and Nathan’s little adventures in playing house, I’d think that was fairly mild.”
“Does it even matter?” she asks snippily, putting her glasses back on. “Like a lesser insult or degrading or dismissive comment has less impact? Do you have any concept of why exactly Nathan and Luke don’t trust you? Did you ever stop and think that maybe - just maybe - it was because of things like that?”
He tips his head back, his smirk dissolving into sarcastic laughter. “Come on, they aren’t girls!”
She gapes at him, unsure of where to even begin with that. “You just don’t get it, Dan! My God, not even the toughest person in the world wants to have snarky, assy comments directed at them all the time!”
“No, you don’t get it!” he counters. “Those are my boys, and they - they should know that - that - “
“That what?” she exclaims in exasperation, a cynical laugh bubbling past her lips. “That you ‘don’t mean it that way’? That ‘they’re just too sensitive’? Do you even hear yourself? Really, I’d like to know.”
“You don’t understand!” Dan counters angrily. “You could never understand because you’re young, and you’re selfish!”
“So? You’re old and selfish! And I’m working damn hard to fix the mistakes that I made, so don’t you dare throw it in my face!”
“Then why are you throwing the ones I’ve made in mine?” he asks quietly, and the wind flies out from both of their arguments. Haley takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. Dan regards her for a minute before sighing. “You’re right, I suppose.”
She tears her gaze away from the ceiling to study his face. “About…what?” she asks cautiously.
“About everything, I suppose,” he answers, this time there is no bitterness in his voice. “That I’m an awful father, that I have no business trying to mend my relationships with the boys. And even worse, I have no business pointing out the failures and flaws of other people.”
“We all make mistakes,” she ends up sighing. “I suppose that in the end, it is how we deal with them that matters.”
He nods, sighing. “That sounds surprisingly relevant,” he sniffs. “More than I’d have imagined could be produced by a seventeen year old girl.”
She doesn’t rise to the bait; instead, she merely arches a brow at him. “Yeah, imagine that, the great Dan Scott learning something from his son’s wife. Such a shock,” she deadpans, even though she isn’t really malicious in saying it. Not like she has been in some of her other dealings with him. It’s just…different now. She doesn’t know if it is because she can sympathize with him now, or if he has actually changed in some way, some indefinable way.
Whatever it is, it’s creepy. Nice, she supposes, in an overly cautious, wait and see kind of way, but still creepy.
“I love my boys,” he says softly. “Now I want to know them, too.”
“It’ll take time,” she notes pointedly. “Neither of them are really predisposed to trust your motives anymore.”
“Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious.”
“I’m just saying,” she shrugs, a touch defensive. It bothers her to feel like she’s being tricked or had, like she’s falling for lies that Dan is telling. It really bothers her that she isn’t even sure if he’s lying anymore.
He nods, looking thoughtful. “I know a little about how Luke is doing from Karen and you. But I don’t know how Nathan’s doing?”
She shrugs, not sure what to say. With Luke, Dan’s knowledge of his condition is a little more crucial in the grand scheme of things. It takes a little heat off of her if he is up-to-date on how his medicine is working, if he’s going to his appointments. But Nathan doesn’t have any health problems, and talking about him with Dan doesn’t feel right. It feels like she’s betraying her husband, and she’s pretty sure she’s done enough of that to last a million lifetimes.
“If you want to know, pick up the phone and call him,” she suggests curtly. “I’m not your message service, or your spy. If it’s that important to you, find out from him. That’s about the only way you’ll ever gain an inch from Nathan anyway, and we both know that.”
He turns around, leaning forward to rest his hands against the sill of the large picture window. “I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever get that anyway.”
“I can’t help you,” Haley warns, twisting a lock of hair around her finger. “You have to figure this out yourself, and do it on your own.”
“Thanks, I hadn’t figured that out from the first eight hundred times you told me that,” he snarks back, not even turning around. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? You think there is no way either of the boys will ever really let me in, but they’ll both forgive you in a heartbeat for betraying them by working for me. Do you really think either of them are that easy?”
She scoffs, wishing she had more than just papers in her hand. Objects that would make better throwing devices. “I’ve never thought it would be easy, and I know exactly what the risks are for me in this,” she states flatly. “But hey, if they find out and cut me out of their lives forever, at least Luke will be getting heart meds. That’s more important to me than my own happiness.”
“Is it really?” he asks. “Because I’ve seen how wrapped up you are in making sure Nathan is coddled too. You’re completely wrapped up in him, and you’re obviously willing to do whatever it takes to get him back. Your happiness is too tied in with his.”
“Well, he’s my husband!” she exclaims, and he turns from his perch at the window to watch her. “Of course his happiness matters to me!”
He sighs, looking at her with something akin to pity. “Have you ever thought that you’re too wrapped up in him, that too much hinges on whether or not he takes you back?”
“And have you ever thought,” she retorts, “That too little of your heart hinges on what your family thinks and feels of you? Come on, Daddy Dan! You can tell my truths, why don’t you tell your own?”
She smirks knowingly as he turns away to again stare out the window. “You think that too little of my heart hinges on my family?”
“No,” she corrects tiredly. “I think too much does, but in all the wrong ways. You just pour it all into basketball, the rest of life be damned. And if they don’t cooperate with you there, then you can’t seem to relate to them in any other way.”
“You’re killing me here,” he laughs without the barest trace of humor. “You say you can’t give me advice, and yet here you are, spewing out exactly what I’ve done wrong.”
“Don’t worry, it isn’t advice, just observation. You can do with it as you please; you always do anyway, right?”
He turns around again to stare at her hard, almost imploring her to see something there. “I want to make things different with my boys now.”
“And I’ve said before that I believe that,” she sighs. “But it really isn’t up to me, is it?”
With that, without waiting for a response, she turns and walks out of his office, leaving the intensity of the conversation behind her. The back and forth that always happens with Dan is just too much for her to take any longer. He knows what to say to wound her, to make her doubt that she’ll ever get her life with Nathan back, and she can’t always handle those reminders. She also doesn’t particularly care that he can turn her into a raging shrew with quid pro quo tendencies quicker than anyone else in the world.
Maybe one day things would go back to normal. Then again, what was normal?
Chapter Eight - The Binding Ties
“Um, so I guess you’re probably pretty pissed at me, huh?” Brooke asks Haley with a baleful expression on her face when she walks into their apartment. The girls haven’t seen each other in several days, as Brooke had been hiding out at the now empty Sawyer house while she dealt with her issues.
Haley regards her cautiously, unsure how to deal with Brooke these days. She’s up, she’s down, she’s left, she’s right - what is she supposed to do with that? “What do you want me to say?” she asks, wariness present behind the words. “I just - I expected Peyton to say things like that, but not you. Not like that.”
”I’m sorry,” Brooke whispers brokenly.
“It’s - you know, you know how hard I’ve been trying to atone for my mistakes, and you still said those things,” Haley sighs sadly. “It hurt.”
Brooke nods feverishly, edging closer to where Haley is kicked back on the couch. “I know, and I’m sorry, Hales. I - I don’t think those things. Luke was right; you went and chased your dream. Most of us are too afraid to ever do that.”
“Oh, Brooke,” Haley sighs, dragging her legs up against her chest and patting the spot beside her. Brooke sits down next to her, leaning her head on Haley’s legs. “Let’s just forget it, I know things have been hard lately. For everyone. But your best friend left, and things with Luke are tough. Believe me, I get it.”
“Maybe she wasn’t,” Brooke mumbles, barely audible.
“Huh?” Haley asks absent-mindedly, running a hand over Brooke’s hair.
“Maybe Peyton wasn’t really so much my best friend, right?” Brooke clarifies, sitting up. “I mean, best friends don’t just leave, not like that. Not saying she loves my boy, not just leaving when she knew I didn’t really have anyone else, not anyone like her. No family.”
Haley regards her solemnly, still not that excited at the prospect of defending Peyton, but knowing she probably should. “I’m sure it isn’t like that,” Haley sighs, shrugging at Brooke. “She just - you know how badly she’s wanted a parent that would be there for her. This was her opportunity for that, you know?”
Brooke rolls her eyes. “They could’ve stayed here,” she argues. “Ellie offered for them to stay here, so Peyton could finish up school. She just didn’t want to be here anymore.”
There isn’t much Haley can say that would take the sting out of that, so she doesn’t even bother with the platitudes on this one. “Well, then she sucks,” she offers.
“Yeah, she does,” Brooke agrees instantaneously, smiling widely. It drops off her face into a shyer smile, though. “What you did - it was different. You were running towards something. She’s running away. And Luke, he’s right - I run away, too. And I don’t want to run anymore.”
Haley feels like rocks are settling in the pit of her stomach at Brooke’s words. “What - um, what are you going to stop running from?”
Brooke shrugs carelessly. “Whatever comes my way. And you can wipe that terrified expression off your face; I know things are over with Luke. Some things just don’t last.”
“And when did you come to that conclusion?” Haley asks in surprise.
“Maybe I’ve known it all along,” she shrugs, looking at her friend with sad eyes. “Maybe I’ve known that it was always Peyton for him, and vice versa. How messed up is that?”
Haley smiles kindly at her. “If I were him, I’d have chosen you in a second. You have more loyalty in your pinky finger than she has in her whole body. You’re a good friend, Brooke Davis.”
“Even when I’m being a jerk?”
“Especially then,” Haley laughs. “Because sometimes we all need that, and sometimes we deserve it, too.”
“You didn’t deserve it,” Brooke says seriously. “You do the best with what you have. I’m proud of you, and I think you should know that.”
Haley looks down, tears in her own eyes this time. “Thanks, Brookie.”
“So, what’s going on with you and Nathan?” Brooke sniffs, her eyes teary and red-rimmed. “Any good news yet?”
“He kissed me,” Haley admits with a dreamy sigh as accompaniment. “It’s not like anything is settled, but it’s nice still. A relief, I guess.”
“I’m glad,” Brooke smiles softly, trying to wipe away the tracks of her tears. “You deserve happiness, Hales.”
Haley smiles back at her, squeezing her hand. “Thanks, Brooke. That means a lot to me. I know you guys all have reasons to doubt me, to doubt my heart, but I promise you, it’s here and it is one hundred percent for Nathan.”
Brooke rolls her eyes. “I don’t think anyone doubts that anymore. Well, maybe Nathan, but that’s just residual insecurity on his part. You know why I think it was worse for Nathan than it would’ve been for most people?”
She debates giving her friend leave to continue, but her curiosity has been piqued enough that she can’t help herself. “No, why?”
Brooke gives her what can only be described as the ‘duh’ look. “Because before you, Nathan Scott always got his way. Honestly, he got everything he wanted, and that changed some when you came into his life. He didn’t know how to deal with not having everything go his way right away.”
Haley raises an eyebrow. “Well, I mean, sure, Nathan is immature sometimes, but he’s not so bad. You know that.”
“Of course not,” Brooke agrees breezily. “I just meant that when you’re never challenged, when everything comes as easy as it did for him, the first time you don’t get your way, you don’t take it too well. I’m just saying.”
Haley thinks about what her friend is saying, and wonders if there isn’t some merit to it. If you’re given almost everything, or rather earn everything very easily, then maybe you aren’t as conditioned to deal with it when things don’t fall the way you want them to.
“So, anyway,” she says, gracelessly changing the subject, “Is it time to talk about your little situation yet?”
Brooke groans, flopping back on the couch. “I don’t even want to think about that nightmare, much less talk about it. God, I cannot even believe all that crap.”
“Well, we’re not going to just lie down and take it,” Haley assures her. “It’s bogus, and everyone knows it. And we’re going to make sure everyone knows it isn’t okay, either!”
Brooke looks at her doubtfully, her eyes barely open. “I don’t know, somehow I’m thinking the administration doesn’t care all that much if they let it happen in the first place,” she points out. “Maybe it isn’t even worth it!”
“Of course it is worth it!” Haley exclaims, nudging her friend on the thigh with her foot. “God, I can’t believe you’re letting this defeatism creep in now! We haven’t even started to fight this, and you’re all ready to give up. That’s pathetic, Brooke Davis!”
To Haley’s surprise, Brooke starts laughing. “You reminded me of myself with that little speech,” Brooke gasps out at Haley’s questioning look. “It was just weird.”
She’s not too sure what to make of that, so Haley just smiles back at her, shrugging. “Right, well, anyway, like I was saying, I’m not letting you give up on this. Even if I have to resort to sounding like you to do it!”
“Oh, you’re twisted and evil, I love it,” Brooke crows, clapping her hands delightedly. She sobers after a second, the weight of her predicament crashing back down upon her. “I just don’t know if any of this will do any good.”
“Well, maybe it won’t,” Haley concedes, “But would you rather let them screw you over like this? Brooke, this doesn’t just impact what you do in high school, you know! This impacts how colleges look at you! They are taking things away from you that aren’t even tangible yet!”
Brooke looks back at her friend, a resigned expression on her face. “If they aren’t tangible, do they matter?”
“If you roll over on this, Brooke Penelope Davis, I will have to kill you in your sleep!” Haley warns her with mock menace. Softening, she sighs. “Listen, you’re right in thinking this will be hard. And you’re right in thinking there are no guarantees in this. I can’t even promise we’ll win.”
“We?” Brooke asks quietly, uncharacteristically subdued.
“Hell, yes, we!” she half hollers in return. “I am not hanging you out to dry on this. I’m a good friend, contrary to what everyone apparently thinks these days.”
Brooke smiles widely at her friend and roommate’s assertion. “I know that. Never doubted it even for a second, Hales. But this is above and beyond anything that anyone has ever done for me.”
Haley loops an arm around her shoulders. “We’ll figure something out. You aren’t going down like this, not without a fight.”
“But I’m so good at going down,” Brooke teases, a little of her old sparkle entering her eyes. “I’m kidding. Well, that’s actually true, but I’m just playing.”
“I know,” Haley laughs, hugging her. “We will do something about this. You just have to be on board and willing to work. Hard work, Davis.”
“Oh, I am!” Brooke promises, nodding enthusiastically. “I want my damn life back.”
Haley nods, leaning back against the soft couch cushions. “Then we’re going to get it back for you.” She doesn’t know how or when, but she means what she just promised.
~*~
Maneuvering behind the counter of her café, mindful of the piping hot pot of coffee in her hand, Karen reflexively looks up when the bell on the door jingles, announcing a new customer. To her surprise, Dan is standing in the doorway, looking around awkwardly. She quirks an eyebrow at him, letting him see the questions she has over his appearance here.
“Hi,” he greets, his voice gruffer than he’d have liked, softer than she cared for. “I just came to see you. I mean, to talk about Luke, of course.”
“I’m not sure what there is to talk about,” she says warily, busying herself wiping off the counter. “You and Luke, if you want to work things out, then that’s between the two of you. Not me. I can’t do that for you, Danny.”
They both start at her use of his childhood nickname. When he left Karen behind, he left that part of himself behind, as well. Now, only his mother and brother use it, and the latter mockingly. If anything, the level of awkwardness around them ratchets up tenfold.
“I’m not asking for your help,” he promises, in some ways more to fill the uncomfortable silence than anything else. “I sort of wanted to get your opinion on something. Run something by you, see what you think of it.”
She arches a brow at him, more curious than she’d care to admit. “If it is campaign slogans, I was never good at coming up with cute catchphrases.”
That elicits a small smile from him, and she hates that the sight of it hits her in the heart a tiny bit. “Actually, I had this idea, and I was wondering if you think this is a good idea, a good way for me to hopefully make a new start with Luke, and Nathan, too.” This time she shifts in apprehension, dropping the dishrag to the counter. He sighs, noting her reaction. “I wouldn’t ask for anything, Kar. Nothing other than the use of a table in here once or twice a week, and maybe an hour or two of your time, if you’d eat with us.”
“You do realize that for some reason, the boys aren’t on the best of terms right now, don’t you?” she asks faintly, not caring that she’s letting on how flustered he is making her. “Maybe doing a group bonding session isn’t your best bet.”
He nods, letting her off the hook in regards to her obvious discomfort with all of this. “Maybe this will help with that,” he offers, bitterness clogging his throat. “They bonded over their mutual hatred of me once before, maybe they can do it again.”
“I hope you don’t expect me to feel sorry for you,” Karen begins, about to go on when he holds up his hand.
“I can be an inexplicably foolish man in many, many regards,” he says huskily, looking at her with an intensity that she can’t tear her gaze away from. “And I’ve made the kind of mistakes that have wrecked me. But I know better than that, and I don’t want you or anyone else feeling sorry for me. Just the same, knowing that I’ve made mistakes and that I deserve where I’m at doesn’t mean that I don’t want to work for better, especially with my sons.”
“You talk like it will be easy,” she retorts, shaking her head at him. “You act like you deserve another chance from those boys. You act like everyone should forget how you treated them, and let bygones be bygones.”
He shakes his head, rolling his eyes at her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he hisses. “There is nothing I want more than to forge at least civil relationships with both of my sons. I don’t have anything else anymore, but maybe one day I can have that. And you know what? It would be enough. It really would.”
She sighs, torn between giving in and pitying him, believing him just a smidge and brushing him off. “What you’re hoping,” she counters softly, “It’s a lot. More than you have a right to ask from either of those boys, Dan. I just hope you can keep that in mind when you’re dealing with them.”
He takes a seat on one of the stools. “I know that, Kare. I see that every day when I look in the mirror and I wonder how I got so old and so alone. I see the empty places at my table they could be filling, or the kids that work at the dealership - that could be them. Or if things had been different, if I’d been different, maybe we could play basketball together. They’d be on the same team, and I’d have to tell them to go easy on me, because I’m old and rickety.”
“Dan,” she sighs, shaking her head. “That’s - god, what’s wrong with you? Why couldn’t you have gotten this years ago?”
“I don’t know,” he sighs. “Maybe it’s just in my face now. What I could’ve had, what I did have, what I’m missing now. As if the empty house isn’t enough, I have Haley James breathing down my neck five days a week reminding me of all of it.”
Karen takes a deep breath at the mention of Haley. She’s become nearly as fiercely protective of her as she is of Lucas. “Speaking of Haley, I think that it is time that someone told me what is going on there. Why is she working for you? Why did you hire her?”
“There isn’t some great dastardly plan there,” he tells her, even though he knows she won’t believe it for a single second. “She’s smart,” he admits, surprisingly free of reluctance. “Smarter than I gave her credit for. I think I might actually respect her a little bit.”
She raises an eyebrow at him, unsure how to respond to that. “That’s all fine and well, Dan, but the fact remains, she’s not working for you because it is fun. And you didn’t hire her to be nice. So what was it? Are you blackmailing her? Holding some information you have on Nathan over her head?”
He shakes his head, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. It would hardly do to get impudent over her assumptions. “The truth is, she approached me with something, and this was the trade-off. I helped her, she’s helping me.”
“What the hell could you have possibly helped her with?” Karen wants to know, keeping her voice low so as not to draw attention from the few customers littering the tables.
“That’s her business,” Dan says neutrally. “Part of the deal was that we’d keep it between ourselves.” Sighing, he leans forward. “Look, this really isn’t what I came here to talk to you about.”
“Yeah, you want to talk about my son,” Karen grumbles, irritated with his vague answers and sidestepping. “But Haley affects my son. And if you’re hurting her, if you’re forcing her to work for you, so help me God - “
“It isn’t like that, Kar!” he exclaims, not caring that all eyes are on them now. “She and I might snap at each other a bit, and we don’t trust each other, but it’s not bad. I’m not hurting her, I’m not forcing her to do anything she doesn’t want to. I’m not even that rude to her very often. It’s a business arrangement, and believe me, she’s coming out on top in terms of compensation and benefits.”
Karen shakes her head. “I just don’t get it,” she sighs. “Haley won’t tell me what’s going on, says she ‘can’t’, and you won’t tell me, but hey, I couldn’t expect anything there. I just feel like there is something that I should know, something that I’m missing here.”
He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this strong of a wave of guilt before, but here it is, beating down on him. With everything that he has, with everything that he is, he wants to tell Karen the truth about Luke’s illness. He wants to take her in his arms and hold her while he promises her that they’ll make sure he’s okay.
He can’t, of course. And he can’t tell, either, because that would break things with Luke forever, and he knew that. Rock, meet the hard place. He was the nearly non-existent space between.
~*~
“Hey,” she greets carefully as the door swings open, eyeing her mother-in-law warily. “Is Nathan here?”
“He’s upstairs,” Deb answers cordially, enough so that Haley wonders just how good this divorce has been for her. “Why don’t you go ahead and go up?”
“Thanks,” is Haley’s quiet response, and she steps past the older woman, making her way up the stairs. She pauses in front of Nathan’s room, taking a deep breath before knocking.
“Go away, Mom,” is the muffled response that she gets. Ignoring it, she opens the door, pushing her way in. “I told you to go away,” he grumbles, hunched over the keyboard of his computer.
“You told your mom to go away, and since I’m not her…”
“Haley,” he says dumbly, his head snapping up and around to look at her. “What - did I forget something? Was I supposed to meet you?”
She shakes her head, hand still on the doorknob as she hovers in the doorway. “I just wanted to talk to you. To see you.”
“Yeah, okay,” he agrees, motioning towards the bed. “Just close the door behind you. Mom has been extra nosy lately. I don’t know what her problem is.”
“What are you working on?” Haley asks him as she settles on the bed. “Anything I can help with.”
“You don’t have to come over here and do my homework, Haley,” he tells her. “That’s not going to magically fix things.”
She nods, looking down at the quilt she’s sitting on top of. “I didn’t think it would. I was just offering to help if I could.”
He sighs, guilt for being so snippy, so instigative with her. “I’m sorry, ignore me. I have an English exam tomorrow - we have to write an essay on Macbeth, and I’m nowhere near prepared enough for it.”
“If I can help, I’d like to,” she tells him, but he shakes his head. “Really, Nathan, you know me, tutor geek extraordinaire.”
He gets up from his desk chair, moving over to sit down at the head of the bed. He pats the space beside him, and she scoots up to sit next to him. “I don’t want to waste our time studying,” he tells her seriously. “We can talk or watch a movie. Hey, maybe we could go to the store and get Macbeth to watch! That shit’s gotta be a movie, right?”
“Probably,” she agrees, smiling shyly at him. “If that’s what you want to do, that’s fine with me. I’m good to go.”
He shifts so that he is turned towards her, his knees brought up, resting against her thighs. “Let’s just stay here, huh?”
“Yeah, if you want, then I’d like that,” she agrees, her smile widening. Just the simple feel of the weight of his knee resting against her leg feels safe and like home to her. “Um, so how are your classes going? Besides Macbeth, of course.”
He smiles at her, reaching under her legs to lift them and drop them on top of his. “Classes are classes, Hales. Do you really want to talk about school?”
She grins at that, relaxing a little bit back into the cushion of pillows against the headboard. “No, I suppose I don’t want to talk about school. I’m just not sure what we can talk about.”
A bit of his smile fades away at that truth, and he sighs as he rests his forearms on her legs. “Well, what did you have in mind when you came over here?”
She shrugs dismissively. “I don’t really know.”
“Well, you must’ve at least had an idea of what you wanted to talk about, right?” he presses. “We can talk about that.”
“Really, Nathan, I just wanted to see you. A, um, a part of me figured you wouldn’t want to see me.” He raises his eyebrows at her, and she shrugs again, this time rueful. “I don’t know! It’s hard! I want to do and say a million things, but I’m so afraid that the one I start with will be the wrong one, and it will just slam the door shut on the progress that we’ve made. I don’t want to do that.”
“Hales,” he tries to break in, dismayed over the tears forming in her eyes, but she keeps going, venting her fears.
“And then, what if what I say the first time is okay, and even the second and fifth and twentieth? And then, then I say the wrong thing the hundredth time, and I’ve got all this hope built up, and - and - and it’s wrong, and I don’t deserve it, and I lose you again, and I can’t lose you again, Nathan!” she cries. “I can’t, I can’t. I just can’t do that!”
He pulls her onto his lap, shushing at her. “Hales, shh, baby, shh.”
“I’m sorry,” she hiccups, inwardly furious with herself for losing it like this. She wipes at her eyes, trying to get rid of some of the mess of makeup she’s sure is there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. God, I really did not want to do that tonight. This was - it was just so surprising that you didn’t kick me out, and I’m overreacting, and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Hales.”
“There’s a lot I have to apologize for,” she reasons. “Maybe that’s what we should talk about tonight.”
He shakes his head, disagreeing. “I don’t want to talk about the heavy stuff tonight,” he tells her, pulling her a little closer. “I’d rather just sit here like this, and let it all be.”
She relaxes in his arms, drooping against him a little bit. She can’t help but think that perhaps the secrets she’s been keeping, and the need to always be alert around Dan have wound her up to the point where she just snapped. She can’t think of any other rational reason for her mini breakdown just now. It doesn’t matter, she supposes, since Nathan was so nice about it and she’s in his arms now, but that’s not the way she wants to do this. She doesn’t want tears to suck Nathan in, and she doesn’t want him with her because he feels guilty.
“What are we doing?” she asks after a few minutes, lifting her head from his chest to look in his eyes.
“I’m holding you,” he replies, winking at her. “If you don’t know…”
“Don’t joke,” she admonishes lightly, sighing. “I mean it. Do you just feel sorry for me? I mean, because I started crying like a ridiculous baby.”
He shakes his head slowly, brushing an errant strand of hair off her face. “I don’t feel sorry for you, Hales. There are a lot of things that you make me feel, but pity isn’t one of them. I don’t know how to define what this is, but I’m not doing it to jerk you around or make you feel bad. I’m not.”
She nods, cuddling against his chest. “I never thought you were,” she sighs. “And I never thought it was more than I deserved, either. I know I messed up by leaving, Nathan. I get that. But now I just want to put that behind us so that we can move forward. I want to be your wife again.”
He takes a deep breath, unsure of how to respond. A part of him feels ready to let go, and move forward like she wants. But the other part of him, the brain part, tells him that it is too soon, the hurt is too fresh. He just isn’t ready to forgive, forget, and give her back all the power she had over him and his heart. He’s just not ready to be vulnerable again.
It’s just hard to say no to her when she’s lying on his chest, about as vulnerable as he’s ever seen her. It hurts him to know that he’s hurting her, and somehow, that takes away a bit of the sting from the hurt she caused. Not much, but some, since he knows that she is sorry. That she means it when she says she’d take it back, that she’d give anything to take his hurt away. He believes that of her, because he feels the same way.
Sighing, he presses a kiss to her forehead. “I can’t - I’m not ready to give you that yet, Hales.”
Pulling away from him, she moves back over to the other side of the bed, smiling sadly at him. “Yeah, I know, I’m asking for a lot.”
“I’m trying,” he whispers, hurt that she’d pull away from him. “I just can’t give you that yet. It takes time, I guess.”
She nods again, looking blankly over at his dresser. He knows that she sees the spaces where pictures of her should be, where pictures of them should be. Every little thing seems painful these days, like it is putting more space between them even as they ease closer together.
“Maybe I should get going,” she says quietly into the silence. “I could start working on Brooke’s case.”
He doesn’t want her to go - he knows that much, he can deal with that much. “Stay, Hales,” he implores her, grabbing her hand and sandwiching it between his own. “I don’t want you to leave.”
She manages a smile for him, slightly brighter than he expected, and he’s proud of her. Proud that she’s strong enough to fight for him, for them. Proud that she’s holding on for both of them, even when he couldn’t, and wouldn’t.
“I don’t want to go,” she says firmly. “It’s nice to be here with you.”
“Even if I can’t give you what you want?” he asks, his voiced clipped to mask the insecurities behind the questions.
She smirks at him, mimicking his own favorite look so well. “Maybe that makes it just that much more important.”
He grins back at her, laughing as she swings her legs back over his. “See, that’s one thing I love most about you, Haley; you always see the bright side and take the challenge in things.”
As he turns his attention to grabbing the remote and yakking about what they might watch, she knows that he didn’t realize what he said. She knows that it just slipped out, and somehow, that’s even better than if he had said it thoughtfully.
~*~
When she shows up for work the next morning, tired as all get out and not looking forward to another day of bantering and bickering with Dan, she’s still practically floating over Nathan’s inadvertent admission from the night before. Some things stick with you, what could she do?
But now here she was, ready to get knee-deep in work on Dan’s campaign, as well as handling any clerical work that comes up from the dealership. It wasn’t ideal - if things were, she’d be with Nathan right now, not skulking around trying to avoid his father. That’s possibly as far from ideal as she can get.
Then again, she isn’t sure exactly why she’s avoiding him. By all accounts, he seems…different, for lack of a better word. Of course, in the case of Dan Scott, different is not bound to be a good thing ninety percent of the time. Maybe even more often than that. Here he was, though, acting all human and feeling, and damn it, she didn’t know what she should do with that. Did she take it at face value? Dismiss it outright? He seemed to genuinely care for both of his boys, the two most important people in her world, and it seemed to be geared to more than just what glory they could bring him.
And that was new and exciting. She’d never, not one single time, gotten this vibe from him before. It was baffling, at best, and downright shocking at worst. Granted, he still doesn’t seem all that thrilled with her place in the boys’ lives, but she had to grant that it seemed like he was even beginning to accept that. Which was scary in and of itself.
For all the hard time that she was having accepting this allegedly kinder, gentler Dan, she knew that Nathan and Lucas, and Karen for that matter, were probably having a far, far harder time. Because they’d lived with the ruthless Dan Scott, the one that coldly turned his back on one son while nearly creating a monster in his image out of the other. The effects were deeper for all of them, and even if she could trust that he was sincere in his assertions that getting to know his boys was a priority to him, the only priority, she knew that it might not be something they’d ever trust or believe.
“Haley,” he greets, as she shuffles past his office, pretending to be concentrating on the papers in her hands, “Could you come in here for a second?”
She blinks, removing her reading glasses. “Can I help you?” she asks formally, wincing at the brisk sound of her voice.
“I don’t know,” he sighs. “I hope so. How’s Luke doing? You don’t have to tell me any details about his personal life, I just meant with the medications. Are they helping? Any side effects? Are they affecting him in any way?”
God damn him and his actually believable worry for Luke. It pains her that he’s fostering all this…good will, for lack of a better term, from her. His concern is evident, as is his caring. She can’t discount that, no matter how much she keeps trying.
“He’s okay, Dan. I don’t know that you’ll believe this, but if something was wrong, I would tell you. If he wasn’t reacting well to the meds, or he gets worse, I’d tell you. I’d have to tell Karen, and piss him off forever, but I’d tell both of you. That’s - that’s not something I’d hide for him.”
“I believe that,” Dan states solemnly. “I even believe that you’d tell me. Obviously, Karen was no question, but I do believe you’d tell me. Would you tell Nathan?”
“If something was immediately wrong with Luke? God, of course,” she asserts hotly, her back up at the mention of her husband’s name. “It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him now, half the time.”
“Why haven’t you?” Dan asks mildly, belying his interest in the matter.
She shrugs, fiddling with her glasses. “I promised Luke,” she sighs. “I think in some ways, he wants Nathan to know even less than he wants his mother to. I can’t talk him out of it, and you can believe me, I’ve tried.”
Dan nods thoughtfully. “Stubbornness seems to be a standard Scott trait. Some of it has even rubbed off on you.” He smirks at her raised eyebrows. “What? Surprised I acknowledged the familial connection? As much as I’d like to deny it, it is a little hard when it’s flashed in my face in the form of that wedding band of yours.”
“It’s always one step forward, one back with you, isn’t it?” she sighs. “Like, you actually seem human for ten minutes, but then you say or do something that brings it all back around to where we started.”
“I wasn’t trying to be rude,” he counters, rolling his eyes. “Listen, of all the things I’ve said about you and Nathan’s little adventures in playing house, I’d think that was fairly mild.”
“Does it even matter?” she asks snippily, putting her glasses back on. “Like a lesser insult or degrading or dismissive comment has less impact? Do you have any concept of why exactly Nathan and Luke don’t trust you? Did you ever stop and think that maybe - just maybe - it was because of things like that?”
He tips his head back, his smirk dissolving into sarcastic laughter. “Come on, they aren’t girls!”
She gapes at him, unsure of where to even begin with that. “You just don’t get it, Dan! My God, not even the toughest person in the world wants to have snarky, assy comments directed at them all the time!”
“No, you don’t get it!” he counters. “Those are my boys, and they - they should know that - that - “
“That what?” she exclaims in exasperation, a cynical laugh bubbling past her lips. “That you ‘don’t mean it that way’? That ‘they’re just too sensitive’? Do you even hear yourself? Really, I’d like to know.”
“You don’t understand!” Dan counters angrily. “You could never understand because you’re young, and you’re selfish!”
“So? You’re old and selfish! And I’m working damn hard to fix the mistakes that I made, so don’t you dare throw it in my face!”
“Then why are you throwing the ones I’ve made in mine?” he asks quietly, and the wind flies out from both of their arguments. Haley takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. Dan regards her for a minute before sighing. “You’re right, I suppose.”
She tears her gaze away from the ceiling to study his face. “About…what?” she asks cautiously.
“About everything, I suppose,” he answers, this time there is no bitterness in his voice. “That I’m an awful father, that I have no business trying to mend my relationships with the boys. And even worse, I have no business pointing out the failures and flaws of other people.”
“We all make mistakes,” she ends up sighing. “I suppose that in the end, it is how we deal with them that matters.”
He nods, sighing. “That sounds surprisingly relevant,” he sniffs. “More than I’d have imagined could be produced by a seventeen year old girl.”
She doesn’t rise to the bait; instead, she merely arches a brow at him. “Yeah, imagine that, the great Dan Scott learning something from his son’s wife. Such a shock,” she deadpans, even though she isn’t really malicious in saying it. Not like she has been in some of her other dealings with him. It’s just…different now. She doesn’t know if it is because she can sympathize with him now, or if he has actually changed in some way, some indefinable way.
Whatever it is, it’s creepy. Nice, she supposes, in an overly cautious, wait and see kind of way, but still creepy.
“I love my boys,” he says softly. “Now I want to know them, too.”
“It’ll take time,” she notes pointedly. “Neither of them are really predisposed to trust your motives anymore.”
“Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious.”
“I’m just saying,” she shrugs, a touch defensive. It bothers her to feel like she’s being tricked or had, like she’s falling for lies that Dan is telling. It really bothers her that she isn’t even sure if he’s lying anymore.
He nods, looking thoughtful. “I know a little about how Luke is doing from Karen and you. But I don’t know how Nathan’s doing?”
She shrugs, not sure what to say. With Luke, Dan’s knowledge of his condition is a little more crucial in the grand scheme of things. It takes a little heat off of her if he is up-to-date on how his medicine is working, if he’s going to his appointments. But Nathan doesn’t have any health problems, and talking about him with Dan doesn’t feel right. It feels like she’s betraying her husband, and she’s pretty sure she’s done enough of that to last a million lifetimes.
“If you want to know, pick up the phone and call him,” she suggests curtly. “I’m not your message service, or your spy. If it’s that important to you, find out from him. That’s about the only way you’ll ever gain an inch from Nathan anyway, and we both know that.”
He turns around, leaning forward to rest his hands against the sill of the large picture window. “I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever get that anyway.”
“I can’t help you,” Haley warns, twisting a lock of hair around her finger. “You have to figure this out yourself, and do it on your own.”
“Thanks, I hadn’t figured that out from the first eight hundred times you told me that,” he snarks back, not even turning around. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? You think there is no way either of the boys will ever really let me in, but they’ll both forgive you in a heartbeat for betraying them by working for me. Do you really think either of them are that easy?”
She scoffs, wishing she had more than just papers in her hand. Objects that would make better throwing devices. “I’ve never thought it would be easy, and I know exactly what the risks are for me in this,” she states flatly. “But hey, if they find out and cut me out of their lives forever, at least Luke will be getting heart meds. That’s more important to me than my own happiness.”
“Is it really?” he asks. “Because I’ve seen how wrapped up you are in making sure Nathan is coddled too. You’re completely wrapped up in him, and you’re obviously willing to do whatever it takes to get him back. Your happiness is too tied in with his.”
“Well, he’s my husband!” she exclaims, and he turns from his perch at the window to watch her. “Of course his happiness matters to me!”
He sighs, looking at her with something akin to pity. “Have you ever thought that you’re too wrapped up in him, that too much hinges on whether or not he takes you back?”
“And have you ever thought,” she retorts, “That too little of your heart hinges on what your family thinks and feels of you? Come on, Daddy Dan! You can tell my truths, why don’t you tell your own?”
She smirks knowingly as he turns away to again stare out the window. “You think that too little of my heart hinges on my family?”
“No,” she corrects tiredly. “I think too much does, but in all the wrong ways. You just pour it all into basketball, the rest of life be damned. And if they don’t cooperate with you there, then you can’t seem to relate to them in any other way.”
“You’re killing me here,” he laughs without the barest trace of humor. “You say you can’t give me advice, and yet here you are, spewing out exactly what I’ve done wrong.”
“Don’t worry, it isn’t advice, just observation. You can do with it as you please; you always do anyway, right?”
He turns around again to stare at her hard, almost imploring her to see something there. “I want to make things different with my boys now.”
“And I’ve said before that I believe that,” she sighs. “But it really isn’t up to me, is it?”
With that, without waiting for a response, she turns and walks out of his office, leaving the intensity of the conversation behind her. The back and forth that always happens with Dan is just too much for her to take any longer. He knows what to say to wound her, to make her doubt that she’ll ever get her life with Nathan back, and she can’t always handle those reminders. She also doesn’t particularly care that he can turn her into a raging shrew with quid pro quo tendencies quicker than anyone else in the world.
Maybe one day things would go back to normal. Then again, what was normal?