'The Limit' - Chapter Forty-Six
You can also access this chapter here, at They Can Watch.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
“Well, boys, what do you think?” Whitey asks after Nathan has said a few things to the team as way of asking to rejoin them. “Do we have another player?”
“Yeah, Coach, we do,” Tim speaks up, for everyone. He gives Nathan a measured look. “Welcome back to the team.”
Nathan nods. “Thanks. I - it’ll be different.”
Whitey says a few more things, mostly about establishing informal practices a few days a week, and then he dismisses them. Luke follows Nathan, and they walk out together.
“Are you here to yell at me?” Nathan asks him curiously. “Tell me to stay away, or you’ll shoot me. Or whatever.”
“Nope, if she wants you shot, she’ll have to do it herself,” Luke responds. “She’s my best friend, yeah, and I’d do almost anything for her, but neither she nor I want me in the middle of this. That’s not what you want, is it?”
Nathan shakes his head. “No, it isn’t. This is my battle, and I’ll fight it for myself, I’m certainly not asking anyone else for help.”
Luke falls silent at that as they walk towards the parking lot. “I don’t think it’s just about you,” he offers, not sure what the hell he’s doing, getting in this when he just said he wouldn’t. “It’s her parents and it’s me for not telling her I saw you after that first hearing last March. It’s just a lot of stuff.”
He watches Luke carefully, trying to gauge his half brother’s attitude. “Well, I was the worst of it, right?”
“I - yeah,” Luke admits, “But not in the way you think. Her parents - she’d prepared herself for that. And probably with me, too; she knew how I was going to react, and she was ready for it. I’m not saying that makes it okay, because it doesn’t on anyone’s part, but it wasn’t as hard because she knew what was coming.”
“And I blindsided her.”
“Like a freight train coming out of nowhere,” Luke confirms. “I think she had more faith in you than the rest of us combined, and I’m not saying that to make you feel worse. It’s just how it was. She’s - she showed me some of her pictures. The two of you were obviously close, and she clearly trusted you.”
Nathan’s shoulders droop a little. He knew all these things, but it made them worse to hear them from someone else. Especially from the person he was trying to hurt in the first place. “I know I messed this up,” Nathan concedes, “And I know that it started all wrong, but I love her, too. It wasn’t just her that lost out in this; I did, too.”
”Yeah,” Luke, to Nathan’s surprise, agrees, “I know that. But you had to have realized at some point what was going to happen, and you had a say in it. She didn’t have a say it, and she never saw it coming.”
“I know,” Nathan agrees in a voice so low it is barely a whisper. “That day when you confronted us, it was so great that morning. She’d sang for me, for the first time, and things were really good. I was stupid enough to think I could get away with it, and that she’d never find out and what I had planned on doing wouldn’t matter. And then I was totally and completely wrong, and what happened was worse than it might’ve been the other way.”
Luke frowns, baffled by that idea. “How the hell would it have been worse? At least - oh, because she knew you loved her, but did it all anyway. That is worse, isn’t it?”
Nathan nods, a hollow feeling spreading throughout him. “Yeah, it was a lot worse, I think. Amazing that one person can screw up so many things.”
“That’s a little harsh on yourself, isn’t it?”
“Oh, get off it,” Nathan bites out. “Why don’t you just drop this bullshit, this supportive, friendly bullshit, and tell me what you really think?”
“What does that mean?” Luke asks, tensing up at the implications. “I’m not like you, Nathan. I’m not playing any games here.” He takes a step away from the other boy. “You know, we talked all summer. Maybe not everyday, and maybe it was awkward as hell. Sue me for thinking that maybe it would continue now that you’re back here. Damn it.”
Nathan groans, wondering how he always does that. Maybe he has some built-in self-destruct button that keeps getting hit unintentionally. “Wait, I’m sorry,” he calls after Luke in apology. “I didn’t - come on, I’m sorry, Luke.”
Luke stops, sighing. “Yeah, we’re all sorry about something, huh?”
“I think I have more to be sorry about than most people,” Nathan admits. “Look at what I did to her. She - does she hate me?”
The softly asked question catches Lucas off-guard. “I think she thinks so, but I don’t think so,” he answers honestly, too taken aback to give anything but a perfectly honest answer. “You know I promised her that I wouldn’t talk about her to you or vice versa, but…maybe you need to hear this. She’s hurt and she’s lost…God, she’s so lost that it scares me sometimes…but she doesn’t hate you. That’s not her style, first of all, and second, well, I don’t think someone could feel so strongly about someone to have it turn entirely to something else.”
Nathan rolls his eyes. “Great, so she just partially hates me. I feel so much better.”
“I didn’t say that either,” Luke points out with a shrug. “Look, she loves you, and that doesn’t just go away. Maybe she doesn’t like you much right now, and maybe she wishes that she didn’t love you, but it doesn’t go away.”
“Don’t be naïve,” Nathan counters. “Love goes away all the time. Look at Dad and your mom, or him and my mom.”
Luke raises his eyebrows at that. “Not the greatest example, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t know him, right? But it seems like he’s more concerned with looking out for number one than anyone else. I’m just not thinking that love dying between him and whoever is a sign of impending apocalypse. More likely they wised up to him.”
Nathan shrugs. “Same thing, maybe.”
“Not the same thing,” Luke counters, “But if that’s how you want to look at it, then I guess it’s your loss.”
“Yeah,” Nathan sighs. “I don’t. It’s just….she’s got a lot of reasons to really dislike and resent me, and I don’t even know how to counter it.”
“Make it work,” Luke suggests. “I don’t know what to tell you, Nathan. If she’s worth it to you, then you’ll make it work.”
Nathan just looks at him. “She’s worth everything to me.”
Luke nods. “I know. That’s why - that’s why I’m telling you this. Because I can tell how much she matters to you. And yeah, I don’t have any say in her love life, and that’s fine, but if I didn’t think you were sincere, I wouldn’t, you know, talk to you about her at all.”
“How do I get her back?”
“Okay, I can’t help that much,” Luke shrugs, “And aren’t you already working on that? You don’t need my ideas.”
“Maybe I do,” Nathan sighs miserably. “I thought that if she saw me, with my life in order and out from under Dad’s thumb, that maybe she’d see how much I’ve changed. I’m in the AP classes now, I have a job, I’m renting a house….I couldn’t have done any of that a year ago.”
“Guess not,” Luke agrees, “And for the record, I think that’s cool. What you’ve done, I mean. Standing up to your parents had to have been hard, but it seems to agree with you.”
Nathan allows a small, grateful smile at that. “Yeah, I think it does. I mean, thanks. I mean - I don’t know what I mean.”
Luke smirks in understanding. “This is weird, right? Us talking, especially about Haley and parents and other things that we logically have no business to be discussing.”
“Yeah, it’s different,” Nathan sighs. “It’s not that bad, though. When I’m not making it bad, anyway.”
“Why do you do that?” Luke asks, curious.
“Do what?”
“Put it all on yourself,” Luke explains. “Look, things will probably always be a little weird, Nathan. There’s the shit with Dan, for both of us, and then everything with Haley…well, it’s awkward. I guess what I’m saying is that if we stop reacting to every bit of awkwardness, then maybe it’ll be easier to get past it.”
Nathan nods slowly, never sure what to say to his half-brother. Maybe Luke had a better capacity to hold onto a little optimism once in awhile, but Nathan rarely had that ability. “Guess it’s worth a try,” he offers lamely. How could he go against anything Luke offers him now? Now that he’s being cool about things with Haley, maybe even on his side a little. He couldn’t be the asshole now, that’s for sure, whether he liked it or not.
Taking a deep breath, he looks over at his older half-brother. “Maybe you could come over sometime. I have a roommate, but he’s a pretty cool guy.” Nathan shakes his head, smiling ruefully. “He’ll probably like you better than me anyway.” At Luke’s frown, Nathan shrugs. “I’m kidding, we’re friends. Anyway, yeah, you could come over.”
“Thanks,” Luke nods hesitantly. But despite his caution, he does look pleased by the offer.
So maybe he can’t make progress on the front that he really wants, but at least he can make some on another that has come to matter an awful lot.
~*~
Re-taking her seat at the table with Jake and Jenny, Haley sighs as she drops her towel and lifts up the guitar waiting for her. “That guy has been ordering coffee for the last two hours,” she moans, “And he looks like he’s our age and he’s male, so I’ll probably get an eleven cent tip.”
“Life is so hard,” Jake grins, feeding Jenny a small spoonful of the soup. “I mean, really, he’s drinking….coffee. What a bum.”
“You should take more offense to the fact that I assume males of your age are most likely to be crummy tippers.”
Jake just shrugs good-naturedly. “I bet we’d be good tippers if someone did something worth being a good tipper for. Good tipper for a good stripper, right?”
“Ew, Jake!”
He laughs. “I’m just kidding. And hey, maybe he’ll give you the tip of a lifetime. Maybe he’s your prince charming, ready to sweep you off your feet.”
She rolls her eyes, strumming softly, if tunelessly, on the guitar. “The only thing I want swept around here is the floor, thanks.”
“Yeah, can’t help you out there,” Jake shrugs, laughing when Haley groans as Jenny tosses a handful of cracker crumbs on the floor. “Well, I could, and probably should, but you’re the one getting paid the big bucks!”
“Jenny, I can’t believe you’d pick on me like this!” Haley grouses, reaching out to tickle the little girl’s belly. “You’re supposed to pick on your daddy, not your cool Aunt Haley!”
Jenny giggles at her as Jake cuddles his daughter against his chest. “She knows who will be mortgaging everything he owns to pay for college some day.”
“Eee!” Haley squeals as she manages to string two guitar chords together. “I love this beautiful piece of musical heaven!”
Jake rolls his eyes as he bounces Jenny on his knee. “You’re getting really good with it,” he encourages. “You’ve got those first two chords down, anyway.”
She ignores his sarcasm, beaming happily at the guitar as she continues to alternate between the chords. “It’s so cool. I’m finally getting good at something that doesn’t involve knowing bigger words than everyone around me. I rock!”
“Not yet, but you keep that up, you might,” Jake grins, glancing at his watch. “Crap, I have to get this one home. It’s past her nap time.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you guys, did I, Jen?” Jenny giggles, reaching out for Haley as she sets the guitar down, “Oh, come here, cutie pie.” She glances at Jake over Jen’s shoulder. “I should probably do some work anyway, right?”
He grins at that. “I hear you get paid for it, so maybe.”
She tips her head to the side, pretending to think on it. “Okay, you convinced me. Sounds good.”
“Thanks for lunch,” he tells her as he takes Jenny back. “Jenny loves the tomato soup, the little weirdo.”
“It’s a good trade-off,” she grins. “Okay, I’ll see you at school tomorrow, and I’ll see you after school tomorrow, Miss Jen.”
“Thanks for that, too,” he notes. “Sorry for the short notice, but my mom has that work thing, and she just can’t - “
She holds her hands up in interruption. “Jake, it’s fine, don’t even worry about it. This is an even better trade-off. I have no problem with Jenny hanging around with me tomorrow. She’s quiet, and no one is in that dire need of tutoring during the second week of school.”
He nods. “Yeah, well, thanks anyway. We do appreciate it a lot. I appreciate it a lot. Haley, you know that, and you know I still like you and want - “
“Jake,” she cuts him off gently. “Jake, please don’t.”
“S - sorry,” he stammers, looking flustered and guilty as he steps towards the door. He turns back to her, a look of resignation written across his face. “I know, and I’m sorry.”
She nods, sighing as he walks out the door. She grabs the plates they left, taking them and dumping them off in the bussing buckets. Grabbing the coffee pot, she distributes refills to a few of the customers, stopping last at the young man sitting at the counter.
“Can I get you anything else?” she asks as she refills his cup.
“Nope, I’m all about the coffee,” he grins easily, his arms rising above his head in a stretch. “That your boyfriend?”
She pauses, surprised by the question. “Uh, no, just a friend.”
The man nods knowingly. “Seems like he wanted more.”
“Hmm,” she shrugs. “Well, we don’t always get what we want, do we, coffee boy?”
“Coffee boy? That the best you can do?”
“Limited resources,” she shrugs, sliding a muffin across the counter towards him. “As long as you’re not allergic to nuts, that is one fine muffin.”
He grins easily at her. “Thanks, I appreciate it. So, tell me about yourself.”
She raises her eyebrows at him. “What do you want to know? And not to be all weird or anything, but why do you want to know?”
“Well, I’m new in town, and I guess I just want to know what kind of people inhabit this little dive,” he shrugs.
“First, I hope you’re referring to the town and not the café, and second do you think I’m a good sampling of the population?” she retorts. “Oh, dear, you have so much to learn about Tree Hill.”
Laughing, he shrugs again. “So enlighten me. Start with yourself. Name, age, hobbies, lifelong ambitions, boyfriends…”
She frowns slightly, “Are you flirting with me or trying to get information to more effectively stalk and murder me?”
“Neither,” he grins, winking at her. “No, really, I hear you’re taken.”
“And where on earth did you hear that?” she asks, stiffening slightly.
“Oh, just around,” he shrugs evasively. “And that one who just left, he seemed like he’d pee on you if he had the chance.” She opens her mouth to say something, but snaps it shut upon realization that she doesn’t know what the hell to say to that. “Oh, I didn’t mean it in the dirty way. More in the territory marking way and less in the R. Kelly way.”
She stares at him. “Like that way is so much better.”
He nods his agreement. “Seriously, though, you’re single? How is that possible, a small town, pretty girl like you? Some hotshot ought to have snapped you up by now.”
Her hands tighten on the counter, and she stands up straighter. There is a tight smile on her face as she tries to joke about it, “I’m single. Saving myself for college.”
“How does that work?”
“I want to go to Stanford,” she sighs, a wry smile on her face. “And that’s going to take a hell of an effort.” His blank look prompts her to elaborate. “Scholarships, admissions, hopefully a grant or three, it’s a lot to think about.”
He nods. “Why is that a precursor to singledom?”
She shrugs. “It’s better this way. Easier, neater. And I’m just not interested in that right now, so it’s pointless. There is no one in this town I can see myself with.”
“Ouch, I’m wounded.” He leans forward, motioning for her to lean closer too. “Okay, now I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to anyway. I just moved into this pretty big house on Elm with this cocky SOB. He’s a student at the high school here. I guess there’s this girl in this Podunk town that is his whole damn world.” She stares at him, shaking her head slightly in irritated comprehension. “I had to come check her out.”
“You - who are you?” she asks tightly, crossing her arms over her chest. “Did he send you over here to what - to spy on me?”
He rolls his eyes. “Relax, I didn’t even figure it out until I saw the nametag. He’s as clueless as ever. Oh, I’m Pete, by the way.”
“Of course you are,” she mutters darkly, ignoring the hand he proffers. “Why wouldn’t you be?”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that I can never escape him, no matter how hard I try. And now, in one of my only completely Nathan-free zones, here you are,” she groans. “This is fantastic, really.”
He regards her curiously. “Have you considered going a little easier on him? None of this has been a walk in the park for him, either.”
She stares back, shaking her head incredulously. “What next? It’ll be my fault that he wanted to use me for sex to get back at my best friend for completely imagined crimes? Yeah, I like where this is going,” she glares at her ex-boyfriend’s friend. “You have some nerve.”
“Hey, calm down, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. It was just a suggestion, one that you don’t even have to take.”
“Well, thanks for your permission,” she mutters sarcastically, scrubbing at a nonexistent spot on the counter. “My life is now complete, and I won’t feel guilty at all about ignoring Nathan until he gets bored and moves on.”
He raises an eyebrow at her. “You really think that’s going to happen? He’s pretty set on getting you back, Haley James.”
“Okay, it creeps me out that you know my name, Pete,” she sighs. “Look, I am sorry that you have to listen to whatever whining that Nathan does, but that’s neither my fault nor my problem.”
“He doesn’t whine,” Pete says quietly, all pretense of joking dropped. “Look, he’s been crushed a lot lately, and - “
“Oh, no,” she interrupts, shaking her head furiously. “Oh, do not make him the victim in this, because he is the one doing all the crushing. Your little friend, roommate, whatever, is the one who crushed me.”
Pete stares calmly at her. “You don’t think he was a little crushed himself? Yeah, he brought it all on himself, and he knows that better than anyone else does, but believe me, no one has been as hurt in all this as he has.”
She looks away, focusing her gaze on something out the window. “Well, I’m sorry he’s having a bad time, but that isn’t really - “
“Yes, it really is,” he counters. “It is your deal because he loves you, and he would do anything for you. Did you know that he spent all summer working, and in the few hours a day he didn’t work, he went to school and did homework? Oh, sure, he ran every morning, and managed to do that basketball shit with Brainiac, but it was mostly work. And do you know why he worked so much?”
Haley shifts uncomfortably, deigning to look him in the eye again. “I’m sure that this is none of my business, so maybe you should just keep this to yourself.”
“He loves you,” Pete shrugs. “Maybe that’s not good enough for you, but it’s fact.”
“Okay, Mr. Know-it-all, what am I supposed to do with that?” she asks, uncomfortable with this conversation, with the situation, with all of it. “Of all the things I have to deal with, that’s the one I least want to deal with. What, am I supposed to feel bad that he loves me? Or is that supposed to make everything okay, justify what he did? Sorry, but I’m tired of people saying that they love you and then screwing you over anyway. If it happens enough, you tend to burn out on that, you know?”
“I know he did a number on you, and that he’s a big ass, but cut him some slack. Have you met his father? That man makes my blood run cold.”
Sighing, Haley glances around the café and when she’s satisfied no one else needs anything, she moves around to sit on the stool next to Pete’s. “He doesn’t get to hide behind that excuse forever,” she notes, “And yes, I know what a monster Dan is. It’s just…maybe too many of the things Nathan has done have pointed out how similar he is to Dan.” She looks over at her new peer. “Have you met him?”
He nods, shaking his head. “See, my dad left me and my mom when I was little. And even after Nate explained his whole story to me, I still wasn’t buying how bad Dan was. And then I met him, at one of the emancipation hearings. It was the last one, actually. Boy, I’d told him, the first time he’d told me about the things his father had said and done to him, that maybe I was better off that my dad just left. I hadn’t really believed it until then.”
“What did he do?” Haley asks in a quiet voice that wobbles just slightly with the emotions she is trying to suppress.
“By my understanding? The usual. He got slightly physical, but not in the CPS, lawyers all over your ass kind of way. I think the worst part was some of the things he said.”
Haley nods. “That’s how it usually was,” she sighs, rubbing tiredly at her eyes. She hates the rush of sympathy that she feels for him, mostly because she just doesn’t want to feel anything at all. “I guess it’ll never stop.”
Pete inclines his head in agreement. “Well, he’s out of there now. Actually, I told him we should go somewhere else, somewhere fun, right? Just to get him away from that asshole father of his. He wasn’t having any of that.” He glances at her, dumping sugar into the coffee he’s not really drinking. “He does love you. I don’t think he’d ever loved anyone before he loved you.”
“You say that like it means something,” she notes dully. “It didn’t mean anything.” He scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Fine, it didn’t mean enough. How’s that.”
“It means everything to him, Haley Maureen James. Maybe you should give him the opportunity and time of day to prove that.”
“He used me,” she sighs, her shoulders slumping, “And - and why am I talking to you about this? And why do you care so much? Do you get some sick pleasure in pushing me back with the jerk that hurt me several times in several ways?”
He leans back a little, staring at her. “Would you really sit here and even talk about this at all if you believed that?”
She shrugs. “Well, since I’ve developed quite the propensity for bad judgment, maybe I would. Hard to tell anymore.”
He stands up, pulling out his wallet to throw some money down on the counter. “Hey, listen, I’m sorry I bugged you about this. Nate has become a friend, and I’ve watched him bust his ass all because he thinks he needs to be worthy of you. I guess the only question left is whether or not you’re worthy of that.”
She’s quiet as he walks to the door, her mind racing through all that they’d talked about. He stops at the door, turning back to grin at her. “Oh, and if you count the money, I think you’ll see I tip just fine.”
She lets out a small laugh in spite of herself, scooping up the money and moving to put it into the cash register. Well, that was interesting. And apparently it wouldn’t be just Lucas taking up on Nathan’s behalf; everyone was against her.
The door flies open, and she half-expects that it will be Nathan, but the mess of blonde curls belong to her best friend’s girlfriend, which is actually a huge relief. She’s probably the most firmly anti-Nathan out of everyone, and if there is one person she knows she can count on to be on her side in this, it’s Peyton. Definitely Peyton.
“Haley James!” Peyton greets her cheerfully, shedding her leather jacket as she moves into the homey warmth of the café. “So, I hear you’re getting off in, oh, fifteen minutes, and I figured you could use a lift.”
“Where, home?” Haley laughs. “It’s just around the corner, it’ll be fine. I know you guys think I’m a klutz, but I can make it that far.”
“Home? Please, it’s the first weekend of school. Of our senior year. Oh, no, you are not going home. It’s a gorgeous day, you worked the morning shift, and now you’re coming with me to the beach party.”
She rolls her eyes, shaking her head. “No, no thanks,” she laughs, eyeing Peyton like she’s been drinking already. “You know I’m not much of a partier.”
Peyton sighs dramatically, shaking her head. “Oh, I’m sorry, not a good enough excuse. Come on, Haley. Our senior year of high school only rolls around once, thank God. Let’s at least enjoy the good parts of it!”
“Since when do horny and puking teenagers constitute a good time?” Haley sighs, knowing that Peyton isn’t going to give up on this. “Peyton, come on, I’ll probably kill the party just by showing up. Everyone thinks I’m little miss goody-goody.”
“Whatever,” Peyton shrugs dismissively, not pointing out the obvious that they really don’t think that anymore thanks to Nathan Scott. “No one even thinks that much about it, trust me. You went to that New Year’s party, and no one even batted an eye. Quit acting like you’re some social pariah, because you just plain aren’t.”
Haley glances down at her hands. “Well, I’m not exactly Miss Popularity, either.”
Peyton rolls her eyes, but they’re twinkling with the mischief of a good idea. “Actually, I think I can prove otherwise.”
Haley stares at her skeptically. “How?”
“Oh, this is good,” Peyton smirks. “You are so going to appreciate this one.”
“Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?” Haley wonders to herself as Peyton leads her out of the café. “Very, very bad.”
“Because you’re smart,” Peyton laughs. “Now come on, let’s go over to my place. I have a bikini that I will sadly never fill out, but you would definitely rock it like it was meant to be rocked.”
A look of full-fledged panic crosses Haley’s face. “Oh, no, I don’t wear bikinis. Never, ever do I wear bikinis. I’m - I’m a poncho girl, Peyton.”
“Dude, relax,” Peyton sighs. “You can wear something over it. We’ll figure it out.”
“This is a very ominous feeling,” Haley mock shivers. “I don’t know if I like this.” She glances up at her friend. “And seriously, what’s the plan to prove my popularity?”
“Team Haley t-shirts,” Peyton grins, winking at her to let her know she is teasing. “Or better yet, ribbons. You know, wear a pink ribbon if you’re for Team Haley, blue if you are for Team Nathan.”
Haley rolls her eyes. “You know, that wasn’t very clever when they did it on Gilmore Girls, and more to the point, I don’t even like pink. Plus, it creeps me out that you watch that show.”
“Okay, fine, then green, whatever,” Peyton laughs. “It’s the thought that counts anyway. It’d be a sea of pink - or green - up in these parts.”
“I don’t want that,” she sighs, staring at the sidewalk as they walk along. “I don’t want Nathan to be ostracized like this.”
Peyton raises an eyebrow at the shorter girl. “So you don’t think that maybe this is exactly what he deserves then?”
Haley shrugs. “I don’t know. All of a sudden, I am having a very hard time separating who deserves what and who did what wrongs and well…it’s hard.”
“Okay, what happened?”
”I met Nathan’s roommate,” Haley admits, sighing, “And he sort of took me to task for not giving Nathan enough credit and being too hard on him. And I don’t know, Peyt. I don’t think I’m being too hard on him, because sometimes the punishment fits the crime, right? And what he did to me, why should I want to be around him anymore? I did what any sane girl would do.”
“And on the opposite side?”
“On the opposite side, I keep hearing that he’s sorry and that he’s changed and that he wants to fix things.” She gives Peyton a sad smile. “I don’t think he can fix me,” she admits in a whisper, prompting Peyton to throw her arms around her friend. “I don’t, Peyton. There’s no magic wand to wave, and how is this going to get better?”
Peyton just holds her for a few minutes, unsure what else she can do. When Haley pulls back, Peyton gives her a sympathetic smile. “Who the hell is laying the guilt trip on you? If it’s my boyfriend, I’ll totally withhold sex from him on your behalf.”
“That is the most bizarre offer I’ve ever heard,” Haley chokes out between surprised laughter. “So disturbing that I think I died a little inside.”
Laughing at Haley’s vehemence, Peyton regards her a little curiously. “You two seriously never went there? Never wanted to?”
Haley shakes her head. “No, never. I love Luke, he’s my best friend, but that is so not what our friendship is. Not even close,” she shrugs, “And trust me, it never was.”
“Okay,” Peyton nods, “So, was it Luke bugging you about things with Nathan?”
“A little,” Haley admits with a sigh. “But Nathan’s roommate said some things to me that made me think. Made me wonder how much of this is my fault.”
“Whoa, okay, first of all, that’s bullshit,” Peyton states firmly. “No way in hell does anyone get to castigate you for being upset about Nathan’s mistakes. His actions caused reactions, and he just needs to suck that shit up and deal with it. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. And just who in the hell is sharing a place with him anyway?”
Haley shrugs. “His name is Pete. They were roommates at the boarding school, I guess. Didn’t ask how he came to be living in Tree Hill. He just…when Nathan first got to that school, he told me that Pete didn’t like him much, thought he was a waste of space. I don’t remember his exact words. But now, now he’s his biggest fan. Did he turn it around that much? I don’t get this, I don’t know what’s going on.”
Peyton sighs, trying to figure out how she can help in this. “Look, you don’t have to listen to anyone, Haley. This is between you and Nathan. It isn’t anyone else’s business, and you don’t have to even think twice about their thoughts or what they want from all this. This is all about you, babe.”
Nodding, Haley takes a deep breath. “Well, I guess that’s about it, huh?” She looks at Peyton, determination plain on her face. “So, there’s a party?”
Peyton’s face lights up in a huge smile, and she laughs, grabbing Haley by the arm to drag her to the waiting car. “There’s going to be a hell of a party!”
Of course there was.
~*~
She looks around with wide eyes as they walk down the beach. She’s right - a large portion of their classmates appear to have been imbibing in the alcohol that was flowing freely, but there were some that were clearly not. And they appeared to be having fun, so maybe this whole thing wouldn’t be so bad.
Ha. Yeah, right. Like she’s that lucky.
Despite the fact that she’s with Peyton, once again Brooke’s sworn enemy, that does not stop the peppy girl from bouncing over to greet her. “Haley James, I didn’t think you’d show up here! Oh, but I’m so glad you did,” she laughs, latching onto Haley’s arm like a sucker fish. “Don’t mind us, Peyt, us girlfriends need to go catch up.”
Peyton raises her eyebrows at Haley. “We have two options. Kick her ass but good, or you go with her.”
Sighing, Haley groans when Lucas approaches them. Seriously, is there nothing that can get rid of Brooke Davis? Apparently not. “Yeah, it’s fine, you two go get the lovebird stuff out of the way, and I’ll catch up with you? Soon.”
“Soon,” Peyton nods her promise, laughing when Lucas comes up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Hey baby,” she coos at him.
“Oh, God,“ Brooke groans. “That’s like watching relatives kiss. Seriously, do they not look like siblings?”
Haley has to snort back a laugh, trying not to egg Brooke on with her own thoughts on the subject. “Come on, let’s just get you another drink or something.”
Brooke blinks at Haley in surprise. “Really? I thought you were all ‘drugs are bad, mmmkay’?”
“I didn’t say I was going to have a drink,” Haley clarifies, “But if you want to have a few more, by all means, indulge yourself.”
“You won’t have just one?”
“What’s the point?” Haley shrugs. “One isn’t enough to get me drunk, right? And since I don’t want to get drunk, what’s the point of even having one?”
Crinkling her nose up, Brooke frowns. “I - that’s so weird. Come on, we’re young and beautiful and we need to live it up. Have a few drinks, Haley James!”
Haley rolls her eyes, shaking her head to decline. “Thanks, but I can definitely be young without drinking.”
“Beautiful, too,” Nathan says from behind them, and Haley automatically tenses up for a fight. She turns around, unsurprised to see Pete standing there with him. He just smirks at her.
“Ha,” Brooke cackles. “About that drink….”
“Shut up, Brooke,” Nathan and Haley say in unison, and he grins even though she rolls her eyes.
“That’s pathetic,” Pete sighs, shaking his head before beaming a great, big smile Haley’s way. “Hello again, Miss Haley James.”
She sighs, nodding in acknowledgement of him. “Pete.” She glances at Nathan. “Hi.”
Even the greeting, as small as a word gets, is warming to him, and gives him hope. “Hey,” he greets back, ever eager to talk to her. “How are you? I wasn’t sure if you’d be here, but I was hoping. This oaf browbeat me into coming. What can you do?”
Before she can say anything, one of their classmates stumbles into Pete, vomiting on his shoes. Pete shoves the guy away with a groan. “Damn it, Scott. First you blast all over our room, and then this. You’re a puke magnet.”
Brooke frowns, not understanding. “Actually, wouldn’t that make you the puke magnet? Since it keeps getting on you?”
“Whatever,” Pete mutters, toeing the shoes off. “Who the hell are you, anyway?”
“Brooke Penelope Davis, at your service,” Brooke introduces herself, her voice low and husky.
Nathan ignores them, his gaze fixed on his ex-girlfriend. “You want to go somewhere and talk?” he asks her hopefully.
Brooke practically growls at him, her arm again looping through Haley’s. “No, Nathan, we’re having friend time right now. Go find someone else to bother.”
“I wasn’t asking you, Brooke,” Nathan sighs, still staring at Haley, “And it isn’t even really your choice, is it?” He holds a hand out to Haley. “Please? Just talk to me for five minutes. I won’t ask for anything else.”
She knows she should say no, but she doesn’t know if that is what she wants. When did life get so damn confusing? Simple questions are hard for her to answer now, and she hates that. There’s just such hope on his face that she can’t say no. “Okay, just for a few minutes,” she sighs, pretending not to notice when Pete grins and winks at her. “You two need to play nice.”
“Yes, Mommy,” Brooke purrs, blowing her a kiss. “I’ll be a good little girl.”
“Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it,” Haley mutters, staring at Nathan and feeling incredibly awkward. He stares back until Pete shoves at him, sending him in motion.
“Want to walk?” he asks.
She nods, grateful that they won’t just be sitting there and staring at each other. At least walking will possibly diffuse things a little. “It seems like Pete must be a good friend, if he came here with you. If my siblings are any indication, Tree Hill doesn’t seem like a popular place for the post-high school crowd.”
He grins, shrugging. “He’s been there for me. He, uh, didn’t want to go back to his mother’s place, and I invited him here. Don’t let him tell you that it was his idea to follow me and make sure I don’t mess up again. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his watchdog stance, but I’ve learned more than enough lessons on my own.” He looks over at her. “He didn’t upset you today, did he? He said he was a bit of a jerk.”
“Know it and own it, huh?” she asks, sort of joking. He doesn’t laugh, and she hesitantly lays a hand on his arm. “Nathan, it was fine. I can take care of myself, and he wasn’t a big deal. A pest, but not a big deal.”
“Are you sure? I told him not to bug you, but he might do it now just because he knows I don’t like it. He’s contrary like that.”
She pulls her hand back, crossing her arms over her chest. Touching is bad, touching is bad - yet another new mantra. “It’s fine, Nathan.”
He sighs, sensing her withdrawal. “You don’t have to pretend with me,” he sighs. “If something isn’t fine, you can tell me.”
”I’ve already told you what is and isn’t fine,” she retorts softly, “But you’ve chosen to disregard most of that because it doesn’t align with what you want.”
“Haley,” he frowns, not caring much for that assessment despite the inherent truth behind it, “I know that you think you don’t want this, that there’s no place left for me in your life, but you’re angry and that can change. I can show you how important changing that is to me.”
“You don’t have to show me anything,” she says gently. “You don’t owe me, Nathan.”
He shakes his head in dispute, grabbing her hand and tugging her down the sand, further away from their peers. “I owe you everything,” he says passionately, “And I know that you said once that you didn’t want to be everything to me, that you didn’t want to be my whole world, but you are. There are other people and things that are becoming important, too, or maybe they always were, but you’re always first and foremost. I just want that to matter to you, baby.”
She takes a deep breath, trying to ignore the pull in her heart that tells her to jump in his arms. Because that? Is so not what is best for her right now. She has plans and ideas and goals, and even if she factored out Stanford, a steady boyfriend still didn’t fit in there. And - and that was okay, right? It was allowed, not every girl in high school had to have a boyfriend. She hadn’t planned on loving him, anyone really, like this. And after all that happened, she couldn’t trust him, and it came down to that.
And maybe, in the end, she’s a coward, because she chooses to avoid it altogether. “Let’s just not worry about that right now, please?”
“But Haley,” he notes with a sheepish grin, “Even when we’re ignoring it, it’s still there. Remember lunch last week, when you came to find me so we could get the awkwardness out of the way?” She nods. “Well, this is more of that. Let’s just say everything that there is to be said, and get it out.” He reaches out, tapping her on the chin. “Don’t tell me you don’t want to yell at me.”
She shrugs. “I think I got that out with that phone call,” she sighs. “Nathan, I don’t know if there’s any point in this. And why are you so quick to have me yell at you? You might not like what I’d say.”
“Probably not,” he agrees quickly, “But isn’t that the point? Haley, we have to get past this, baby. I - I love you, and I want you in my life. Please don’t write me off.”
“I’m not trying to write you off,” she exclaims. “Maybe - maybe I just can’t handle this. Maybe I can’t handle not trusting you.”
“But you love me,” he challenges her, a little smugly. “I know you do, Hales. God, I feel it.” She turns her head away, but he stops her, gently cupping her jaw in his big hands. “Haley, please, talk to me.”
Her lower lip trembles as she finally looks up at him. “That’s not what matters here, Nathan. I guess it seems like it should, right? And it would probably be easy to let it. Maybe I’m wrong, and almost everyone else is right, huh? But I don’t trust you, Nathan! And hey, that’s my problem, my flaw, but right now, I just can’t give you what you want.”
His thumbs rub soothingly over the smooth skin of her face. Leaning forward, he only stops when his forehead is touching hers. God, it feels so good to touch her again, even if it is chaste and light like this. Damn, he’d even settle for handholding right now. “I know that I have to earn your trust back. I know that, baby. I’m not asking for you to hand it to me on a silver platter, but - “
“But you’re asking for something,” she sighs when he doesn’t complete his thought. “Everyone always asks for something. You know what most people want from me? They want me to understand. They want me to understand how, when they hurt me, they didn’t really mean it the way I took it. That’s what my parents want, and I bet you’re in line for that, too, am I right?”
“Haley, I - “ He breaks off, pressing a kiss to her nose. “On some level, yeah. I know that there is no defense for what I did to you, or for what I was trying to do to Luke. There isn’t, and I won’t pretend like there is. It was a mistake, Hay. A huge one, yeah, but it was still a mistake. And I know that you get to make me pay for it, but make me pay while we’re together. Kick me in the shins once or twice a day, remind me that I’m one lucky jerk because I have you, withhold sex on Wednesdays. Just punish me, but be with me.”
She jerks away from him at that. “Is this about sex? Is that all that this is about, Nathan? God, do you have any idea how much that pisses me off?”
He rolls his eyes, reaching out for her. “Jesus, that’s not what I meant! Why the hell do you have to be so purposely damned obtuse about my meanings, Haley? You know I didn’t mean it like that, but you have to get all self-protective and play it off anyway you can so you can fucking hide, right? I’m so sorry that I’m not all sunshine and fucking flowers like the rest of the people in your life, like you apparently are, but I’m fucking trying here!”
“Don’t yell at me!” she exclaims, shying away from him. “I didn’t do anything wrong in this. All I did was love you and risk the most stable relationship I have for you. But that was nothing, right?”
“It was everything!” he yells again, too worked up at finally getting into all this to realize that she’s completely shutting down on him. “You’ll never know what having you love me, you effectively choosing me over Luke meant to me! But apparently that means nothing to you now because you’d rather get all prissy and act like a fucking martyr! Well, you made your goddamn choices, Haley. I never held a gun to your head.”
She recoils when he reaches out for her, and she trips over a piece of driftwood, falling to the ground. She looks up at him, tears in her eyes. It just….stops him cold, to see her there, on her backside, looking up at him with so much hurt and distrust. And damn it, he’d just given her another half-dozen reasons to distrust him, too. Great, way to go, Slick.
“Haley, I - “
She shakes her head as she stands up, brushing off all of his attempts to help her. “No, don’t,” she whispers harshly, slapping his hand away when he reaches up to touch her cheek. “Don’t touch me.”
He silently curses at himself for breaking her down again like this. Luke had given him about thirty seconds of hell for that last phone conversation, and he wondered if that had caused a similar look in her eyes to this one. “I’m sorry,” he says urgently, wrapping his arms around her from behind when she moves to walk off. “No, don’t go, Hay. Just one minute, sixty seconds, let me explain.”
She struggles in his arms, trying to stifle her sobs. “Let me go, Nathan. I don’t want an explanation.”
“Well, I owe you one!”
“It’s not all about you,” she counters, finally breaking out of his hold. “It isn’t all about you, Nathan. There are too many things in life that we can’t control, like our parents. But this? I don’t have to be in this relationship that just keeps hurting me.”
He spins her around to face him. “I’ve never been rough with you, I’m not like that!”
“I didn’t mean physically,” she agrees quickly, softening infinitesimally, “But my heart hurts, and it doesn’t have to.”
“So cutting me out, that’ll do it?”
She shrugs. “Maybe it hurts worse because of that in the short run, but in the long run, maybe I’ll be better off.”
His hands tighten on her shoulders as he shakes his head in denial. “No, no, baby. No one can ever love you like I do.”
“Please stop,” she whispers, angrily wiping away a tear. “I have almost always given you the benefit of the doubt. Even when I knew you still hated Luke, when we first started tutoring, it didn’t take long before I was on your side, Nathan. Even after you humiliated me in front of the entire school by not saying anything, before long, I was ready to be on your side again. And then you stopped calling. Just when I was letting myself think that maybe things could be okay, and that at least I’d have you to talk to about my parents leaving, you stop calling. Sometimes the bad stuff is just too much bigger than the good stuff.”
“This is not one of those times!” he argues, passion filling his voice. “Hay, I know that there are a lot of things I’ve done wrong in all of this, but I’m not going to make those mistakes anymore. I swear, I won’t.”
She closes her eyes before looking down the beach. “You can’t make that promise. And even if you make it, it’s a virtually impossible one to keep, because sometimes you hurt the people that you love.”
He grasps onto that. “Okay, no, see, we’ve got it out of the way. The hurt is out of the way, Haley! It’s over, done.”
“Then why do I still feel so damn badly?” she challenges quietly. “I don’t think it’s over, Nathan.”
“No, baby, it is, of course it is. Because I’m still dumb, but I’ve learned enough to know that hurting you is the last thing I want.”
Noisy laughter approaches then, and a group of ten or so of their classmates appear over the hill that was supposed to give them privacy. Haley just shakes her head, her face contorting as she fights the tears. “I have to go.”
He stands there stunned as she tries to walk past him, but he snaps out of it quickly enough and follows after her. “Damn it, no. You can’t just leave like this.”
“Oh, yeah, because one public humiliation with you wasn’t enough. Like I want to stand there in front of those people again while my world once again crumbles and you don’t say a damn word,” she spits back at him. “That was so much fun the first time, after all. Who wouldn’t be up for a second go-round?”
She keeps moving, and he diligently keeps up with her, not letting her out of his sight again. “You know why you haven’t just slapped me and told me to go to hell?” She slows, looking over at him curiously in spite of herself. “You still love me,” he assures her, “And you can’t let me go completely.”
It shakes her to hear that truth, to hear that he knows that. “Well, for a smart girl, I’m stupid,” she counters flatly, speeding up again. “Why are you following me?”
“Because we aren’t done,” he tells her, reaching out and grabbing her hand. She tries to tug it away, but he won’t let her. “We aren’t, Hay. We’ll never be done.”
Even though she knows how much truth there is in that statement, she still bristles against it. “I’m going home.”
He stays right beside her. “How are you getting home? I know you didn’t drive,” he gently teases her. “Come on, Hay. Let me drive you.”
“It’s not that far, I can walk.”
“It’s five miles!”
“Exercise is good for you.”
“Haley.” She throws her hands up in the air, finally surrendering. “You can be mad at me the whole way there.”
She rolls her eyes. “Thank you for your permission.”
He grins, nudging her lightly with his elbow. “I’m going to prove that we aren’t over, that this - us - is forever,” he swears again. “I am, Hay. And you can be mad at me until then; I know I deserve that.”
She looks away, marching towards the parking lot where his car is. Despite her refusal to acknowledge his assertion that they’d never be done, a part of her wonders how much truth is in it. And wonders how long it will be before she falls again. She can only hang on for so long.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
“Well, boys, what do you think?” Whitey asks after Nathan has said a few things to the team as way of asking to rejoin them. “Do we have another player?”
“Yeah, Coach, we do,” Tim speaks up, for everyone. He gives Nathan a measured look. “Welcome back to the team.”
Nathan nods. “Thanks. I - it’ll be different.”
Whitey says a few more things, mostly about establishing informal practices a few days a week, and then he dismisses them. Luke follows Nathan, and they walk out together.
“Are you here to yell at me?” Nathan asks him curiously. “Tell me to stay away, or you’ll shoot me. Or whatever.”
“Nope, if she wants you shot, she’ll have to do it herself,” Luke responds. “She’s my best friend, yeah, and I’d do almost anything for her, but neither she nor I want me in the middle of this. That’s not what you want, is it?”
Nathan shakes his head. “No, it isn’t. This is my battle, and I’ll fight it for myself, I’m certainly not asking anyone else for help.”
Luke falls silent at that as they walk towards the parking lot. “I don’t think it’s just about you,” he offers, not sure what the hell he’s doing, getting in this when he just said he wouldn’t. “It’s her parents and it’s me for not telling her I saw you after that first hearing last March. It’s just a lot of stuff.”
He watches Luke carefully, trying to gauge his half brother’s attitude. “Well, I was the worst of it, right?”
“I - yeah,” Luke admits, “But not in the way you think. Her parents - she’d prepared herself for that. And probably with me, too; she knew how I was going to react, and she was ready for it. I’m not saying that makes it okay, because it doesn’t on anyone’s part, but it wasn’t as hard because she knew what was coming.”
“And I blindsided her.”
“Like a freight train coming out of nowhere,” Luke confirms. “I think she had more faith in you than the rest of us combined, and I’m not saying that to make you feel worse. It’s just how it was. She’s - she showed me some of her pictures. The two of you were obviously close, and she clearly trusted you.”
Nathan’s shoulders droop a little. He knew all these things, but it made them worse to hear them from someone else. Especially from the person he was trying to hurt in the first place. “I know I messed this up,” Nathan concedes, “And I know that it started all wrong, but I love her, too. It wasn’t just her that lost out in this; I did, too.”
”Yeah,” Luke, to Nathan’s surprise, agrees, “I know that. But you had to have realized at some point what was going to happen, and you had a say in it. She didn’t have a say it, and she never saw it coming.”
“I know,” Nathan agrees in a voice so low it is barely a whisper. “That day when you confronted us, it was so great that morning. She’d sang for me, for the first time, and things were really good. I was stupid enough to think I could get away with it, and that she’d never find out and what I had planned on doing wouldn’t matter. And then I was totally and completely wrong, and what happened was worse than it might’ve been the other way.”
Luke frowns, baffled by that idea. “How the hell would it have been worse? At least - oh, because she knew you loved her, but did it all anyway. That is worse, isn’t it?”
Nathan nods, a hollow feeling spreading throughout him. “Yeah, it was a lot worse, I think. Amazing that one person can screw up so many things.”
“That’s a little harsh on yourself, isn’t it?”
“Oh, get off it,” Nathan bites out. “Why don’t you just drop this bullshit, this supportive, friendly bullshit, and tell me what you really think?”
“What does that mean?” Luke asks, tensing up at the implications. “I’m not like you, Nathan. I’m not playing any games here.” He takes a step away from the other boy. “You know, we talked all summer. Maybe not everyday, and maybe it was awkward as hell. Sue me for thinking that maybe it would continue now that you’re back here. Damn it.”
Nathan groans, wondering how he always does that. Maybe he has some built-in self-destruct button that keeps getting hit unintentionally. “Wait, I’m sorry,” he calls after Luke in apology. “I didn’t - come on, I’m sorry, Luke.”
Luke stops, sighing. “Yeah, we’re all sorry about something, huh?”
“I think I have more to be sorry about than most people,” Nathan admits. “Look at what I did to her. She - does she hate me?”
The softly asked question catches Lucas off-guard. “I think she thinks so, but I don’t think so,” he answers honestly, too taken aback to give anything but a perfectly honest answer. “You know I promised her that I wouldn’t talk about her to you or vice versa, but…maybe you need to hear this. She’s hurt and she’s lost…God, she’s so lost that it scares me sometimes…but she doesn’t hate you. That’s not her style, first of all, and second, well, I don’t think someone could feel so strongly about someone to have it turn entirely to something else.”
Nathan rolls his eyes. “Great, so she just partially hates me. I feel so much better.”
“I didn’t say that either,” Luke points out with a shrug. “Look, she loves you, and that doesn’t just go away. Maybe she doesn’t like you much right now, and maybe she wishes that she didn’t love you, but it doesn’t go away.”
“Don’t be naïve,” Nathan counters. “Love goes away all the time. Look at Dad and your mom, or him and my mom.”
Luke raises his eyebrows at that. “Not the greatest example, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t know him, right? But it seems like he’s more concerned with looking out for number one than anyone else. I’m just not thinking that love dying between him and whoever is a sign of impending apocalypse. More likely they wised up to him.”
Nathan shrugs. “Same thing, maybe.”
“Not the same thing,” Luke counters, “But if that’s how you want to look at it, then I guess it’s your loss.”
“Yeah,” Nathan sighs. “I don’t. It’s just….she’s got a lot of reasons to really dislike and resent me, and I don’t even know how to counter it.”
“Make it work,” Luke suggests. “I don’t know what to tell you, Nathan. If she’s worth it to you, then you’ll make it work.”
Nathan just looks at him. “She’s worth everything to me.”
Luke nods. “I know. That’s why - that’s why I’m telling you this. Because I can tell how much she matters to you. And yeah, I don’t have any say in her love life, and that’s fine, but if I didn’t think you were sincere, I wouldn’t, you know, talk to you about her at all.”
“How do I get her back?”
“Okay, I can’t help that much,” Luke shrugs, “And aren’t you already working on that? You don’t need my ideas.”
“Maybe I do,” Nathan sighs miserably. “I thought that if she saw me, with my life in order and out from under Dad’s thumb, that maybe she’d see how much I’ve changed. I’m in the AP classes now, I have a job, I’m renting a house….I couldn’t have done any of that a year ago.”
“Guess not,” Luke agrees, “And for the record, I think that’s cool. What you’ve done, I mean. Standing up to your parents had to have been hard, but it seems to agree with you.”
Nathan allows a small, grateful smile at that. “Yeah, I think it does. I mean, thanks. I mean - I don’t know what I mean.”
Luke smirks in understanding. “This is weird, right? Us talking, especially about Haley and parents and other things that we logically have no business to be discussing.”
“Yeah, it’s different,” Nathan sighs. “It’s not that bad, though. When I’m not making it bad, anyway.”
“Why do you do that?” Luke asks, curious.
“Do what?”
“Put it all on yourself,” Luke explains. “Look, things will probably always be a little weird, Nathan. There’s the shit with Dan, for both of us, and then everything with Haley…well, it’s awkward. I guess what I’m saying is that if we stop reacting to every bit of awkwardness, then maybe it’ll be easier to get past it.”
Nathan nods slowly, never sure what to say to his half-brother. Maybe Luke had a better capacity to hold onto a little optimism once in awhile, but Nathan rarely had that ability. “Guess it’s worth a try,” he offers lamely. How could he go against anything Luke offers him now? Now that he’s being cool about things with Haley, maybe even on his side a little. He couldn’t be the asshole now, that’s for sure, whether he liked it or not.
Taking a deep breath, he looks over at his older half-brother. “Maybe you could come over sometime. I have a roommate, but he’s a pretty cool guy.” Nathan shakes his head, smiling ruefully. “He’ll probably like you better than me anyway.” At Luke’s frown, Nathan shrugs. “I’m kidding, we’re friends. Anyway, yeah, you could come over.”
“Thanks,” Luke nods hesitantly. But despite his caution, he does look pleased by the offer.
So maybe he can’t make progress on the front that he really wants, but at least he can make some on another that has come to matter an awful lot.
~*~
Re-taking her seat at the table with Jake and Jenny, Haley sighs as she drops her towel and lifts up the guitar waiting for her. “That guy has been ordering coffee for the last two hours,” she moans, “And he looks like he’s our age and he’s male, so I’ll probably get an eleven cent tip.”
“Life is so hard,” Jake grins, feeding Jenny a small spoonful of the soup. “I mean, really, he’s drinking….coffee. What a bum.”
“You should take more offense to the fact that I assume males of your age are most likely to be crummy tippers.”
Jake just shrugs good-naturedly. “I bet we’d be good tippers if someone did something worth being a good tipper for. Good tipper for a good stripper, right?”
“Ew, Jake!”
He laughs. “I’m just kidding. And hey, maybe he’ll give you the tip of a lifetime. Maybe he’s your prince charming, ready to sweep you off your feet.”
She rolls her eyes, strumming softly, if tunelessly, on the guitar. “The only thing I want swept around here is the floor, thanks.”
“Yeah, can’t help you out there,” Jake shrugs, laughing when Haley groans as Jenny tosses a handful of cracker crumbs on the floor. “Well, I could, and probably should, but you’re the one getting paid the big bucks!”
“Jenny, I can’t believe you’d pick on me like this!” Haley grouses, reaching out to tickle the little girl’s belly. “You’re supposed to pick on your daddy, not your cool Aunt Haley!”
Jenny giggles at her as Jake cuddles his daughter against his chest. “She knows who will be mortgaging everything he owns to pay for college some day.”
“Eee!” Haley squeals as she manages to string two guitar chords together. “I love this beautiful piece of musical heaven!”
Jake rolls his eyes as he bounces Jenny on his knee. “You’re getting really good with it,” he encourages. “You’ve got those first two chords down, anyway.”
She ignores his sarcasm, beaming happily at the guitar as she continues to alternate between the chords. “It’s so cool. I’m finally getting good at something that doesn’t involve knowing bigger words than everyone around me. I rock!”
“Not yet, but you keep that up, you might,” Jake grins, glancing at his watch. “Crap, I have to get this one home. It’s past her nap time.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you guys, did I, Jen?” Jenny giggles, reaching out for Haley as she sets the guitar down, “Oh, come here, cutie pie.” She glances at Jake over Jen’s shoulder. “I should probably do some work anyway, right?”
He grins at that. “I hear you get paid for it, so maybe.”
She tips her head to the side, pretending to think on it. “Okay, you convinced me. Sounds good.”
“Thanks for lunch,” he tells her as he takes Jenny back. “Jenny loves the tomato soup, the little weirdo.”
“It’s a good trade-off,” she grins. “Okay, I’ll see you at school tomorrow, and I’ll see you after school tomorrow, Miss Jen.”
“Thanks for that, too,” he notes. “Sorry for the short notice, but my mom has that work thing, and she just can’t - “
She holds her hands up in interruption. “Jake, it’s fine, don’t even worry about it. This is an even better trade-off. I have no problem with Jenny hanging around with me tomorrow. She’s quiet, and no one is in that dire need of tutoring during the second week of school.”
He nods. “Yeah, well, thanks anyway. We do appreciate it a lot. I appreciate it a lot. Haley, you know that, and you know I still like you and want - “
“Jake,” she cuts him off gently. “Jake, please don’t.”
“S - sorry,” he stammers, looking flustered and guilty as he steps towards the door. He turns back to her, a look of resignation written across his face. “I know, and I’m sorry.”
She nods, sighing as he walks out the door. She grabs the plates they left, taking them and dumping them off in the bussing buckets. Grabbing the coffee pot, she distributes refills to a few of the customers, stopping last at the young man sitting at the counter.
“Can I get you anything else?” she asks as she refills his cup.
“Nope, I’m all about the coffee,” he grins easily, his arms rising above his head in a stretch. “That your boyfriend?”
She pauses, surprised by the question. “Uh, no, just a friend.”
The man nods knowingly. “Seems like he wanted more.”
“Hmm,” she shrugs. “Well, we don’t always get what we want, do we, coffee boy?”
“Coffee boy? That the best you can do?”
“Limited resources,” she shrugs, sliding a muffin across the counter towards him. “As long as you’re not allergic to nuts, that is one fine muffin.”
He grins easily at her. “Thanks, I appreciate it. So, tell me about yourself.”
She raises her eyebrows at him. “What do you want to know? And not to be all weird or anything, but why do you want to know?”
“Well, I’m new in town, and I guess I just want to know what kind of people inhabit this little dive,” he shrugs.
“First, I hope you’re referring to the town and not the café, and second do you think I’m a good sampling of the population?” she retorts. “Oh, dear, you have so much to learn about Tree Hill.”
Laughing, he shrugs again. “So enlighten me. Start with yourself. Name, age, hobbies, lifelong ambitions, boyfriends…”
She frowns slightly, “Are you flirting with me or trying to get information to more effectively stalk and murder me?”
“Neither,” he grins, winking at her. “No, really, I hear you’re taken.”
“And where on earth did you hear that?” she asks, stiffening slightly.
“Oh, just around,” he shrugs evasively. “And that one who just left, he seemed like he’d pee on you if he had the chance.” She opens her mouth to say something, but snaps it shut upon realization that she doesn’t know what the hell to say to that. “Oh, I didn’t mean it in the dirty way. More in the territory marking way and less in the R. Kelly way.”
She stares at him. “Like that way is so much better.”
He nods his agreement. “Seriously, though, you’re single? How is that possible, a small town, pretty girl like you? Some hotshot ought to have snapped you up by now.”
Her hands tighten on the counter, and she stands up straighter. There is a tight smile on her face as she tries to joke about it, “I’m single. Saving myself for college.”
“How does that work?”
“I want to go to Stanford,” she sighs, a wry smile on her face. “And that’s going to take a hell of an effort.” His blank look prompts her to elaborate. “Scholarships, admissions, hopefully a grant or three, it’s a lot to think about.”
He nods. “Why is that a precursor to singledom?”
She shrugs. “It’s better this way. Easier, neater. And I’m just not interested in that right now, so it’s pointless. There is no one in this town I can see myself with.”
“Ouch, I’m wounded.” He leans forward, motioning for her to lean closer too. “Okay, now I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to anyway. I just moved into this pretty big house on Elm with this cocky SOB. He’s a student at the high school here. I guess there’s this girl in this Podunk town that is his whole damn world.” She stares at him, shaking her head slightly in irritated comprehension. “I had to come check her out.”
“You - who are you?” she asks tightly, crossing her arms over her chest. “Did he send you over here to what - to spy on me?”
He rolls his eyes. “Relax, I didn’t even figure it out until I saw the nametag. He’s as clueless as ever. Oh, I’m Pete, by the way.”
“Of course you are,” she mutters darkly, ignoring the hand he proffers. “Why wouldn’t you be?”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that I can never escape him, no matter how hard I try. And now, in one of my only completely Nathan-free zones, here you are,” she groans. “This is fantastic, really.”
He regards her curiously. “Have you considered going a little easier on him? None of this has been a walk in the park for him, either.”
She stares back, shaking her head incredulously. “What next? It’ll be my fault that he wanted to use me for sex to get back at my best friend for completely imagined crimes? Yeah, I like where this is going,” she glares at her ex-boyfriend’s friend. “You have some nerve.”
“Hey, calm down, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. It was just a suggestion, one that you don’t even have to take.”
“Well, thanks for your permission,” she mutters sarcastically, scrubbing at a nonexistent spot on the counter. “My life is now complete, and I won’t feel guilty at all about ignoring Nathan until he gets bored and moves on.”
He raises an eyebrow at her. “You really think that’s going to happen? He’s pretty set on getting you back, Haley James.”
“Okay, it creeps me out that you know my name, Pete,” she sighs. “Look, I am sorry that you have to listen to whatever whining that Nathan does, but that’s neither my fault nor my problem.”
“He doesn’t whine,” Pete says quietly, all pretense of joking dropped. “Look, he’s been crushed a lot lately, and - “
“Oh, no,” she interrupts, shaking her head furiously. “Oh, do not make him the victim in this, because he is the one doing all the crushing. Your little friend, roommate, whatever, is the one who crushed me.”
Pete stares calmly at her. “You don’t think he was a little crushed himself? Yeah, he brought it all on himself, and he knows that better than anyone else does, but believe me, no one has been as hurt in all this as he has.”
She looks away, focusing her gaze on something out the window. “Well, I’m sorry he’s having a bad time, but that isn’t really - “
“Yes, it really is,” he counters. “It is your deal because he loves you, and he would do anything for you. Did you know that he spent all summer working, and in the few hours a day he didn’t work, he went to school and did homework? Oh, sure, he ran every morning, and managed to do that basketball shit with Brainiac, but it was mostly work. And do you know why he worked so much?”
Haley shifts uncomfortably, deigning to look him in the eye again. “I’m sure that this is none of my business, so maybe you should just keep this to yourself.”
“He loves you,” Pete shrugs. “Maybe that’s not good enough for you, but it’s fact.”
“Okay, Mr. Know-it-all, what am I supposed to do with that?” she asks, uncomfortable with this conversation, with the situation, with all of it. “Of all the things I have to deal with, that’s the one I least want to deal with. What, am I supposed to feel bad that he loves me? Or is that supposed to make everything okay, justify what he did? Sorry, but I’m tired of people saying that they love you and then screwing you over anyway. If it happens enough, you tend to burn out on that, you know?”
“I know he did a number on you, and that he’s a big ass, but cut him some slack. Have you met his father? That man makes my blood run cold.”
Sighing, Haley glances around the café and when she’s satisfied no one else needs anything, she moves around to sit on the stool next to Pete’s. “He doesn’t get to hide behind that excuse forever,” she notes, “And yes, I know what a monster Dan is. It’s just…maybe too many of the things Nathan has done have pointed out how similar he is to Dan.” She looks over at her new peer. “Have you met him?”
He nods, shaking his head. “See, my dad left me and my mom when I was little. And even after Nate explained his whole story to me, I still wasn’t buying how bad Dan was. And then I met him, at one of the emancipation hearings. It was the last one, actually. Boy, I’d told him, the first time he’d told me about the things his father had said and done to him, that maybe I was better off that my dad just left. I hadn’t really believed it until then.”
“What did he do?” Haley asks in a quiet voice that wobbles just slightly with the emotions she is trying to suppress.
“By my understanding? The usual. He got slightly physical, but not in the CPS, lawyers all over your ass kind of way. I think the worst part was some of the things he said.”
Haley nods. “That’s how it usually was,” she sighs, rubbing tiredly at her eyes. She hates the rush of sympathy that she feels for him, mostly because she just doesn’t want to feel anything at all. “I guess it’ll never stop.”
Pete inclines his head in agreement. “Well, he’s out of there now. Actually, I told him we should go somewhere else, somewhere fun, right? Just to get him away from that asshole father of his. He wasn’t having any of that.” He glances at her, dumping sugar into the coffee he’s not really drinking. “He does love you. I don’t think he’d ever loved anyone before he loved you.”
“You say that like it means something,” she notes dully. “It didn’t mean anything.” He scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Fine, it didn’t mean enough. How’s that.”
“It means everything to him, Haley Maureen James. Maybe you should give him the opportunity and time of day to prove that.”
“He used me,” she sighs, her shoulders slumping, “And - and why am I talking to you about this? And why do you care so much? Do you get some sick pleasure in pushing me back with the jerk that hurt me several times in several ways?”
He leans back a little, staring at her. “Would you really sit here and even talk about this at all if you believed that?”
She shrugs. “Well, since I’ve developed quite the propensity for bad judgment, maybe I would. Hard to tell anymore.”
He stands up, pulling out his wallet to throw some money down on the counter. “Hey, listen, I’m sorry I bugged you about this. Nate has become a friend, and I’ve watched him bust his ass all because he thinks he needs to be worthy of you. I guess the only question left is whether or not you’re worthy of that.”
She’s quiet as he walks to the door, her mind racing through all that they’d talked about. He stops at the door, turning back to grin at her. “Oh, and if you count the money, I think you’ll see I tip just fine.”
She lets out a small laugh in spite of herself, scooping up the money and moving to put it into the cash register. Well, that was interesting. And apparently it wouldn’t be just Lucas taking up on Nathan’s behalf; everyone was against her.
The door flies open, and she half-expects that it will be Nathan, but the mess of blonde curls belong to her best friend’s girlfriend, which is actually a huge relief. She’s probably the most firmly anti-Nathan out of everyone, and if there is one person she knows she can count on to be on her side in this, it’s Peyton. Definitely Peyton.
“Haley James!” Peyton greets her cheerfully, shedding her leather jacket as she moves into the homey warmth of the café. “So, I hear you’re getting off in, oh, fifteen minutes, and I figured you could use a lift.”
“Where, home?” Haley laughs. “It’s just around the corner, it’ll be fine. I know you guys think I’m a klutz, but I can make it that far.”
“Home? Please, it’s the first weekend of school. Of our senior year. Oh, no, you are not going home. It’s a gorgeous day, you worked the morning shift, and now you’re coming with me to the beach party.”
She rolls her eyes, shaking her head. “No, no thanks,” she laughs, eyeing Peyton like she’s been drinking already. “You know I’m not much of a partier.”
Peyton sighs dramatically, shaking her head. “Oh, I’m sorry, not a good enough excuse. Come on, Haley. Our senior year of high school only rolls around once, thank God. Let’s at least enjoy the good parts of it!”
“Since when do horny and puking teenagers constitute a good time?” Haley sighs, knowing that Peyton isn’t going to give up on this. “Peyton, come on, I’ll probably kill the party just by showing up. Everyone thinks I’m little miss goody-goody.”
“Whatever,” Peyton shrugs dismissively, not pointing out the obvious that they really don’t think that anymore thanks to Nathan Scott. “No one even thinks that much about it, trust me. You went to that New Year’s party, and no one even batted an eye. Quit acting like you’re some social pariah, because you just plain aren’t.”
Haley glances down at her hands. “Well, I’m not exactly Miss Popularity, either.”
Peyton rolls her eyes, but they’re twinkling with the mischief of a good idea. “Actually, I think I can prove otherwise.”
Haley stares at her skeptically. “How?”
“Oh, this is good,” Peyton smirks. “You are so going to appreciate this one.”
“Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?” Haley wonders to herself as Peyton leads her out of the café. “Very, very bad.”
“Because you’re smart,” Peyton laughs. “Now come on, let’s go over to my place. I have a bikini that I will sadly never fill out, but you would definitely rock it like it was meant to be rocked.”
A look of full-fledged panic crosses Haley’s face. “Oh, no, I don’t wear bikinis. Never, ever do I wear bikinis. I’m - I’m a poncho girl, Peyton.”
“Dude, relax,” Peyton sighs. “You can wear something over it. We’ll figure it out.”
“This is a very ominous feeling,” Haley mock shivers. “I don’t know if I like this.” She glances up at her friend. “And seriously, what’s the plan to prove my popularity?”
“Team Haley t-shirts,” Peyton grins, winking at her to let her know she is teasing. “Or better yet, ribbons. You know, wear a pink ribbon if you’re for Team Haley, blue if you are for Team Nathan.”
Haley rolls her eyes. “You know, that wasn’t very clever when they did it on Gilmore Girls, and more to the point, I don’t even like pink. Plus, it creeps me out that you watch that show.”
“Okay, fine, then green, whatever,” Peyton laughs. “It’s the thought that counts anyway. It’d be a sea of pink - or green - up in these parts.”
“I don’t want that,” she sighs, staring at the sidewalk as they walk along. “I don’t want Nathan to be ostracized like this.”
Peyton raises an eyebrow at the shorter girl. “So you don’t think that maybe this is exactly what he deserves then?”
Haley shrugs. “I don’t know. All of a sudden, I am having a very hard time separating who deserves what and who did what wrongs and well…it’s hard.”
“Okay, what happened?”
”I met Nathan’s roommate,” Haley admits, sighing, “And he sort of took me to task for not giving Nathan enough credit and being too hard on him. And I don’t know, Peyt. I don’t think I’m being too hard on him, because sometimes the punishment fits the crime, right? And what he did to me, why should I want to be around him anymore? I did what any sane girl would do.”
“And on the opposite side?”
“On the opposite side, I keep hearing that he’s sorry and that he’s changed and that he wants to fix things.” She gives Peyton a sad smile. “I don’t think he can fix me,” she admits in a whisper, prompting Peyton to throw her arms around her friend. “I don’t, Peyton. There’s no magic wand to wave, and how is this going to get better?”
Peyton just holds her for a few minutes, unsure what else she can do. When Haley pulls back, Peyton gives her a sympathetic smile. “Who the hell is laying the guilt trip on you? If it’s my boyfriend, I’ll totally withhold sex from him on your behalf.”
“That is the most bizarre offer I’ve ever heard,” Haley chokes out between surprised laughter. “So disturbing that I think I died a little inside.”
Laughing at Haley’s vehemence, Peyton regards her a little curiously. “You two seriously never went there? Never wanted to?”
Haley shakes her head. “No, never. I love Luke, he’s my best friend, but that is so not what our friendship is. Not even close,” she shrugs, “And trust me, it never was.”
“Okay,” Peyton nods, “So, was it Luke bugging you about things with Nathan?”
“A little,” Haley admits with a sigh. “But Nathan’s roommate said some things to me that made me think. Made me wonder how much of this is my fault.”
“Whoa, okay, first of all, that’s bullshit,” Peyton states firmly. “No way in hell does anyone get to castigate you for being upset about Nathan’s mistakes. His actions caused reactions, and he just needs to suck that shit up and deal with it. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. And just who in the hell is sharing a place with him anyway?”
Haley shrugs. “His name is Pete. They were roommates at the boarding school, I guess. Didn’t ask how he came to be living in Tree Hill. He just…when Nathan first got to that school, he told me that Pete didn’t like him much, thought he was a waste of space. I don’t remember his exact words. But now, now he’s his biggest fan. Did he turn it around that much? I don’t get this, I don’t know what’s going on.”
Peyton sighs, trying to figure out how she can help in this. “Look, you don’t have to listen to anyone, Haley. This is between you and Nathan. It isn’t anyone else’s business, and you don’t have to even think twice about their thoughts or what they want from all this. This is all about you, babe.”
Nodding, Haley takes a deep breath. “Well, I guess that’s about it, huh?” She looks at Peyton, determination plain on her face. “So, there’s a party?”
Peyton’s face lights up in a huge smile, and she laughs, grabbing Haley by the arm to drag her to the waiting car. “There’s going to be a hell of a party!”
Of course there was.
~*~
She looks around with wide eyes as they walk down the beach. She’s right - a large portion of their classmates appear to have been imbibing in the alcohol that was flowing freely, but there were some that were clearly not. And they appeared to be having fun, so maybe this whole thing wouldn’t be so bad.
Ha. Yeah, right. Like she’s that lucky.
Despite the fact that she’s with Peyton, once again Brooke’s sworn enemy, that does not stop the peppy girl from bouncing over to greet her. “Haley James, I didn’t think you’d show up here! Oh, but I’m so glad you did,” she laughs, latching onto Haley’s arm like a sucker fish. “Don’t mind us, Peyt, us girlfriends need to go catch up.”
Peyton raises her eyebrows at Haley. “We have two options. Kick her ass but good, or you go with her.”
Sighing, Haley groans when Lucas approaches them. Seriously, is there nothing that can get rid of Brooke Davis? Apparently not. “Yeah, it’s fine, you two go get the lovebird stuff out of the way, and I’ll catch up with you? Soon.”
“Soon,” Peyton nods her promise, laughing when Lucas comes up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Hey baby,” she coos at him.
“Oh, God,“ Brooke groans. “That’s like watching relatives kiss. Seriously, do they not look like siblings?”
Haley has to snort back a laugh, trying not to egg Brooke on with her own thoughts on the subject. “Come on, let’s just get you another drink or something.”
Brooke blinks at Haley in surprise. “Really? I thought you were all ‘drugs are bad, mmmkay’?”
“I didn’t say I was going to have a drink,” Haley clarifies, “But if you want to have a few more, by all means, indulge yourself.”
“You won’t have just one?”
“What’s the point?” Haley shrugs. “One isn’t enough to get me drunk, right? And since I don’t want to get drunk, what’s the point of even having one?”
Crinkling her nose up, Brooke frowns. “I - that’s so weird. Come on, we’re young and beautiful and we need to live it up. Have a few drinks, Haley James!”
Haley rolls her eyes, shaking her head to decline. “Thanks, but I can definitely be young without drinking.”
“Beautiful, too,” Nathan says from behind them, and Haley automatically tenses up for a fight. She turns around, unsurprised to see Pete standing there with him. He just smirks at her.
“Ha,” Brooke cackles. “About that drink….”
“Shut up, Brooke,” Nathan and Haley say in unison, and he grins even though she rolls her eyes.
“That’s pathetic,” Pete sighs, shaking his head before beaming a great, big smile Haley’s way. “Hello again, Miss Haley James.”
She sighs, nodding in acknowledgement of him. “Pete.” She glances at Nathan. “Hi.”
Even the greeting, as small as a word gets, is warming to him, and gives him hope. “Hey,” he greets back, ever eager to talk to her. “How are you? I wasn’t sure if you’d be here, but I was hoping. This oaf browbeat me into coming. What can you do?”
Before she can say anything, one of their classmates stumbles into Pete, vomiting on his shoes. Pete shoves the guy away with a groan. “Damn it, Scott. First you blast all over our room, and then this. You’re a puke magnet.”
Brooke frowns, not understanding. “Actually, wouldn’t that make you the puke magnet? Since it keeps getting on you?”
“Whatever,” Pete mutters, toeing the shoes off. “Who the hell are you, anyway?”
“Brooke Penelope Davis, at your service,” Brooke introduces herself, her voice low and husky.
Nathan ignores them, his gaze fixed on his ex-girlfriend. “You want to go somewhere and talk?” he asks her hopefully.
Brooke practically growls at him, her arm again looping through Haley’s. “No, Nathan, we’re having friend time right now. Go find someone else to bother.”
“I wasn’t asking you, Brooke,” Nathan sighs, still staring at Haley, “And it isn’t even really your choice, is it?” He holds a hand out to Haley. “Please? Just talk to me for five minutes. I won’t ask for anything else.”
She knows she should say no, but she doesn’t know if that is what she wants. When did life get so damn confusing? Simple questions are hard for her to answer now, and she hates that. There’s just such hope on his face that she can’t say no. “Okay, just for a few minutes,” she sighs, pretending not to notice when Pete grins and winks at her. “You two need to play nice.”
“Yes, Mommy,” Brooke purrs, blowing her a kiss. “I’ll be a good little girl.”
“Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it,” Haley mutters, staring at Nathan and feeling incredibly awkward. He stares back until Pete shoves at him, sending him in motion.
“Want to walk?” he asks.
She nods, grateful that they won’t just be sitting there and staring at each other. At least walking will possibly diffuse things a little. “It seems like Pete must be a good friend, if he came here with you. If my siblings are any indication, Tree Hill doesn’t seem like a popular place for the post-high school crowd.”
He grins, shrugging. “He’s been there for me. He, uh, didn’t want to go back to his mother’s place, and I invited him here. Don’t let him tell you that it was his idea to follow me and make sure I don’t mess up again. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his watchdog stance, but I’ve learned more than enough lessons on my own.” He looks over at her. “He didn’t upset you today, did he? He said he was a bit of a jerk.”
“Know it and own it, huh?” she asks, sort of joking. He doesn’t laugh, and she hesitantly lays a hand on his arm. “Nathan, it was fine. I can take care of myself, and he wasn’t a big deal. A pest, but not a big deal.”
“Are you sure? I told him not to bug you, but he might do it now just because he knows I don’t like it. He’s contrary like that.”
She pulls her hand back, crossing her arms over her chest. Touching is bad, touching is bad - yet another new mantra. “It’s fine, Nathan.”
He sighs, sensing her withdrawal. “You don’t have to pretend with me,” he sighs. “If something isn’t fine, you can tell me.”
”I’ve already told you what is and isn’t fine,” she retorts softly, “But you’ve chosen to disregard most of that because it doesn’t align with what you want.”
“Haley,” he frowns, not caring much for that assessment despite the inherent truth behind it, “I know that you think you don’t want this, that there’s no place left for me in your life, but you’re angry and that can change. I can show you how important changing that is to me.”
“You don’t have to show me anything,” she says gently. “You don’t owe me, Nathan.”
He shakes his head in dispute, grabbing her hand and tugging her down the sand, further away from their peers. “I owe you everything,” he says passionately, “And I know that you said once that you didn’t want to be everything to me, that you didn’t want to be my whole world, but you are. There are other people and things that are becoming important, too, or maybe they always were, but you’re always first and foremost. I just want that to matter to you, baby.”
She takes a deep breath, trying to ignore the pull in her heart that tells her to jump in his arms. Because that? Is so not what is best for her right now. She has plans and ideas and goals, and even if she factored out Stanford, a steady boyfriend still didn’t fit in there. And - and that was okay, right? It was allowed, not every girl in high school had to have a boyfriend. She hadn’t planned on loving him, anyone really, like this. And after all that happened, she couldn’t trust him, and it came down to that.
And maybe, in the end, she’s a coward, because she chooses to avoid it altogether. “Let’s just not worry about that right now, please?”
“But Haley,” he notes with a sheepish grin, “Even when we’re ignoring it, it’s still there. Remember lunch last week, when you came to find me so we could get the awkwardness out of the way?” She nods. “Well, this is more of that. Let’s just say everything that there is to be said, and get it out.” He reaches out, tapping her on the chin. “Don’t tell me you don’t want to yell at me.”
She shrugs. “I think I got that out with that phone call,” she sighs. “Nathan, I don’t know if there’s any point in this. And why are you so quick to have me yell at you? You might not like what I’d say.”
“Probably not,” he agrees quickly, “But isn’t that the point? Haley, we have to get past this, baby. I - I love you, and I want you in my life. Please don’t write me off.”
“I’m not trying to write you off,” she exclaims. “Maybe - maybe I just can’t handle this. Maybe I can’t handle not trusting you.”
“But you love me,” he challenges her, a little smugly. “I know you do, Hales. God, I feel it.” She turns her head away, but he stops her, gently cupping her jaw in his big hands. “Haley, please, talk to me.”
Her lower lip trembles as she finally looks up at him. “That’s not what matters here, Nathan. I guess it seems like it should, right? And it would probably be easy to let it. Maybe I’m wrong, and almost everyone else is right, huh? But I don’t trust you, Nathan! And hey, that’s my problem, my flaw, but right now, I just can’t give you what you want.”
His thumbs rub soothingly over the smooth skin of her face. Leaning forward, he only stops when his forehead is touching hers. God, it feels so good to touch her again, even if it is chaste and light like this. Damn, he’d even settle for handholding right now. “I know that I have to earn your trust back. I know that, baby. I’m not asking for you to hand it to me on a silver platter, but - “
“But you’re asking for something,” she sighs when he doesn’t complete his thought. “Everyone always asks for something. You know what most people want from me? They want me to understand. They want me to understand how, when they hurt me, they didn’t really mean it the way I took it. That’s what my parents want, and I bet you’re in line for that, too, am I right?”
“Haley, I - “ He breaks off, pressing a kiss to her nose. “On some level, yeah. I know that there is no defense for what I did to you, or for what I was trying to do to Luke. There isn’t, and I won’t pretend like there is. It was a mistake, Hay. A huge one, yeah, but it was still a mistake. And I know that you get to make me pay for it, but make me pay while we’re together. Kick me in the shins once or twice a day, remind me that I’m one lucky jerk because I have you, withhold sex on Wednesdays. Just punish me, but be with me.”
She jerks away from him at that. “Is this about sex? Is that all that this is about, Nathan? God, do you have any idea how much that pisses me off?”
He rolls his eyes, reaching out for her. “Jesus, that’s not what I meant! Why the hell do you have to be so purposely damned obtuse about my meanings, Haley? You know I didn’t mean it like that, but you have to get all self-protective and play it off anyway you can so you can fucking hide, right? I’m so sorry that I’m not all sunshine and fucking flowers like the rest of the people in your life, like you apparently are, but I’m fucking trying here!”
“Don’t yell at me!” she exclaims, shying away from him. “I didn’t do anything wrong in this. All I did was love you and risk the most stable relationship I have for you. But that was nothing, right?”
“It was everything!” he yells again, too worked up at finally getting into all this to realize that she’s completely shutting down on him. “You’ll never know what having you love me, you effectively choosing me over Luke meant to me! But apparently that means nothing to you now because you’d rather get all prissy and act like a fucking martyr! Well, you made your goddamn choices, Haley. I never held a gun to your head.”
She recoils when he reaches out for her, and she trips over a piece of driftwood, falling to the ground. She looks up at him, tears in her eyes. It just….stops him cold, to see her there, on her backside, looking up at him with so much hurt and distrust. And damn it, he’d just given her another half-dozen reasons to distrust him, too. Great, way to go, Slick.
“Haley, I - “
She shakes her head as she stands up, brushing off all of his attempts to help her. “No, don’t,” she whispers harshly, slapping his hand away when he reaches up to touch her cheek. “Don’t touch me.”
He silently curses at himself for breaking her down again like this. Luke had given him about thirty seconds of hell for that last phone conversation, and he wondered if that had caused a similar look in her eyes to this one. “I’m sorry,” he says urgently, wrapping his arms around her from behind when she moves to walk off. “No, don’t go, Hay. Just one minute, sixty seconds, let me explain.”
She struggles in his arms, trying to stifle her sobs. “Let me go, Nathan. I don’t want an explanation.”
“Well, I owe you one!”
“It’s not all about you,” she counters, finally breaking out of his hold. “It isn’t all about you, Nathan. There are too many things in life that we can’t control, like our parents. But this? I don’t have to be in this relationship that just keeps hurting me.”
He spins her around to face him. “I’ve never been rough with you, I’m not like that!”
“I didn’t mean physically,” she agrees quickly, softening infinitesimally, “But my heart hurts, and it doesn’t have to.”
“So cutting me out, that’ll do it?”
She shrugs. “Maybe it hurts worse because of that in the short run, but in the long run, maybe I’ll be better off.”
His hands tighten on her shoulders as he shakes his head in denial. “No, no, baby. No one can ever love you like I do.”
“Please stop,” she whispers, angrily wiping away a tear. “I have almost always given you the benefit of the doubt. Even when I knew you still hated Luke, when we first started tutoring, it didn’t take long before I was on your side, Nathan. Even after you humiliated me in front of the entire school by not saying anything, before long, I was ready to be on your side again. And then you stopped calling. Just when I was letting myself think that maybe things could be okay, and that at least I’d have you to talk to about my parents leaving, you stop calling. Sometimes the bad stuff is just too much bigger than the good stuff.”
“This is not one of those times!” he argues, passion filling his voice. “Hay, I know that there are a lot of things I’ve done wrong in all of this, but I’m not going to make those mistakes anymore. I swear, I won’t.”
She closes her eyes before looking down the beach. “You can’t make that promise. And even if you make it, it’s a virtually impossible one to keep, because sometimes you hurt the people that you love.”
He grasps onto that. “Okay, no, see, we’ve got it out of the way. The hurt is out of the way, Haley! It’s over, done.”
“Then why do I still feel so damn badly?” she challenges quietly. “I don’t think it’s over, Nathan.”
“No, baby, it is, of course it is. Because I’m still dumb, but I’ve learned enough to know that hurting you is the last thing I want.”
Noisy laughter approaches then, and a group of ten or so of their classmates appear over the hill that was supposed to give them privacy. Haley just shakes her head, her face contorting as she fights the tears. “I have to go.”
He stands there stunned as she tries to walk past him, but he snaps out of it quickly enough and follows after her. “Damn it, no. You can’t just leave like this.”
“Oh, yeah, because one public humiliation with you wasn’t enough. Like I want to stand there in front of those people again while my world once again crumbles and you don’t say a damn word,” she spits back at him. “That was so much fun the first time, after all. Who wouldn’t be up for a second go-round?”
She keeps moving, and he diligently keeps up with her, not letting her out of his sight again. “You know why you haven’t just slapped me and told me to go to hell?” She slows, looking over at him curiously in spite of herself. “You still love me,” he assures her, “And you can’t let me go completely.”
It shakes her to hear that truth, to hear that he knows that. “Well, for a smart girl, I’m stupid,” she counters flatly, speeding up again. “Why are you following me?”
“Because we aren’t done,” he tells her, reaching out and grabbing her hand. She tries to tug it away, but he won’t let her. “We aren’t, Hay. We’ll never be done.”
Even though she knows how much truth there is in that statement, she still bristles against it. “I’m going home.”
He stays right beside her. “How are you getting home? I know you didn’t drive,” he gently teases her. “Come on, Hay. Let me drive you.”
“It’s not that far, I can walk.”
“It’s five miles!”
“Exercise is good for you.”
“Haley.” She throws her hands up in the air, finally surrendering. “You can be mad at me the whole way there.”
She rolls her eyes. “Thank you for your permission.”
He grins, nudging her lightly with his elbow. “I’m going to prove that we aren’t over, that this - us - is forever,” he swears again. “I am, Hay. And you can be mad at me until then; I know I deserve that.”
She looks away, marching towards the parking lot where his car is. Despite her refusal to acknowledge his assertion that they’d never be done, a part of her wonders how much truth is in it. And wonders how long it will be before she falls again. She can only hang on for so long.