'The Limit' - Chapter Forty-Seven

[unwindingdreams]

A/N: Thanks to all for your support on the last chapter. More importantly, thanks for your overall support with my inglorious little return to posting. It’s incredibly appreciated, and I really hope you all know that. Special thanks to Becky, as always, for being an awesome beta and an even better friend.

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

The next morning, Nathan was questioning and going over everything he had said to Haley the night before. The drive home had been okay; Haley had seemed resigned to the fact that he wasn’t going away, and while she’d pulled away gently, she didn’t jerk away when he tried to hold her hand. That had to be something of an improvement, right?

She hadn’t said much as she climbed out of his crappy, old car, though. Just a mumbled goodbye before darting into the house. Into Luke’s house. That bothered him more than it should, by any stretch of the imagination. After leaving there, he’d driven to the river court, practicing his jump shot until he knew he was finally tired enough to sleep.

It’s a relief that it is Sunday, and he has one more day before he has to go back to school. He has never dreaded school quite like he does now, and that includes his first few days at Thackeray. He’s become the guy that everyone talks about, the one they treat as if he was diseased. He figures that at some point they’ll get used to him being back, and then they’ll stop talking about him. Maybe people won’t ever like him the same way again, but he was frankly pretty much beyond worry about that.

“So last night, that was a big bust, wasn’t it?” Pete busts his chops when he comes down the stairs the next morning. “Way to go, Romeo.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Nathan sighs. “I did yell at her, though.”

Pete rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure that went over really well,” he mocks, shaking his head. “Okay, look, the problem here is that she’s right. Technically, she’s right, and she’s more than entitled to cut you out of her life. So you have to be careful, Nate. If you push her too far, you’ll just be solidifying everything she thinks already.”

Nathan sighs, crouching down to tie his shoes. “Well, I don’t have forever, Pete. And I don’t want to wait a second longer than I have to. And besides, the only time she shows me even the smallest amount of emotion is when I push her.”

“Just sayin’, dude, it could totally backfire. And then you’re up shit creek without a paddle.”

“That’s charming,” Nathan smirks, rolling his eyes, “And it’s the best you can come up with? Because it doesn’t help much.”

“Well, I’m not your damn therapist,” Pete shoots back. “Why don’t you give him a call?”

Rolling his eyes, Nathan pauses on his second shoelace to flip Pete off. “That was just for the court, asshole.”

Pete pulls a shocked face. “You don’t have to cuss at me, Nate! That just wounds my delicate, little feelings!”

“Yeah, like you have feelings,” Nathan mutters as he straightens up. They jostle each other as they head into the kitchen. “Hey,” he complains, glaring at his friend. “What are you, five?”

“Seven,” Pete asks, beating Nathan to the cupboard, grabbing out the cereal. He looks at it, shaking his head. “Another day of cold cereal. Hey, we could go to that café where your girl works!”

Nathan immediately shakes his head, negating that idea. “I’m not really welcome there.”

Pete shrugs, shoving at his shoulder. “Dude, she’s just a waitress, she can’t really refuse to serve you. Besides, she doesn’t seem like the type who’d make a scene trying to kick you out.”

Sighing, Nathan shakes his head again. “It’s not her. The café is owned by Luke’s mom.” At Pete’s blank look, Nathan shoves him. “She doesn’t like me,” he explains. “I hazed the crap out of her son, and I hurt the girl she cares for like a daughter. That really isn’t a place where I’m Mr. Popular.”

“Whatever, I want pancakes, and I’m going to the place where I know I can get some pancakes. You coming?”

“No, thanks,” Nathan sighs, feeling a little betrayed that Pete would go back there, somewhere Nathan can’t. Pete gives him a put out look, but shrugs. As he’s grabbing his keys, someone knocks on the door.

“You expecting anyone?”

Nathan shakes his head. “You haven’t already found some girl to hook up with, have you?” He groans, remembering who he had left Pete with last night. “It’s not Davis, is it?”

Pete snorts back a laugh. “That girl is too hardcore for my tastes, thanks.” They walk to the front door, both curious as to who could be there. Nathan blinks in surprise at the face he sees through the cut out in the door, motioning for Pete to open it.

“Uncle Keith, hey!” he greets, a smile creeping over his face. True to his word, Keith had worked to get to know his younger nephew over the summer, even driving him and Pete back to the boarding school after hearings. They’d get punished for sneaking out each time, but they both agreed it was worth it.

Nathan gives him a quick, one-armed hug, and Pete shakes his hand. Looking around the house, Keith can’t help but shake his head. It’s about as sparsely decorated as he’d imagined it would be, what with two teenage boys living there, but it’s clean, and they actually have a decent amount of furniture. “Place looks pretty good,” Keith notes gladly. “So, how about we get some breakfast? You two haven’t eaten yet, have you? Oh, whatever, you guys can eat again, come on, I’ll drive.”

Pete grins, slapping Nathan on the shoulder. “Aw, heck yeah, we’re getting sick of cereal. There’s only so many days you can eat food that features a cartoon pirate on the box.”

“I hear that,” Keith chuckles, nodding towards his truck, eyeing the hesitant Nathan. “Come on, let’s get going. Breakfast can’t wait all day.”

“Uh, Keith, this is really cool of you, but I don’t think I should go.” Keith frowns, opening his mouth to say something to that, but Nathan rushes on. “I just…have homework to do, and it is Sunday.”

“Your nephew’s got a yellow belly,” Pete sighs to Keith like Nathan is the most pathetic creature ever. “He’s afraid to go where people are mad at him. I tried to tell him that would probably limit his excursions in a drastic way, but he didn’t seem to care much.”

Nathan glares at Pete. “Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Keith sighs, clapping a hand on Nathan’s shoulder. “Well, I was going to take you boys to Karen’s, but if you’re not comfortable, we can go somewhere else.” He pauses, frowning. “What happened? I thought you were trying to get back with Haley. It seems like this would be a good opportunity.”

Nathan remains silent, so again, Pete jumps in. “It’s not Haley. He’d shove me in front of a car to see her; it’s Luke’s mom.”

“Damn it, Pete.”

“Nathan? Is this true?” Keith asks, trying not to laugh. He’s about to let it go and just crack up when he realizes that Nathan probably has no reason to know that Karen isn’t the type to hold a grudge, especially against a misguided teenager who grew up in the clutches of Dan Scott. “Nathan, Karen isn’t sitting in the café, sharpening knives as she waits for the day you come in there.”

Nathan flushes, a little embarrassed. Still, he’s not swayed. “I know she hates me,” he mutters darkly. “Look at what I did to Lucas. And Haley! If what I did to one wasn’t enough, there’s always what I did to the other.”

Keith looks over at Pete, who gets his meaning and steps outside. “Okay, I’m going to tell you this, and I’m only going to say it once, so you better listen. I know what your parents are like, and I know the grudges that both, particularly your father, are capable of holding. Not everyone is like that. A lot of people, most I’d wager, know when to forgive and forget. And a young kid like yourself, who is clearly on a different path - you get to be forgiven, Nathan.”

It takes a minute for the words to sink in, but when they do, Nathan ducks his head in embarrassment. He doesn’t know what to say to that. Keith senses that, though, and claps him on the shoulder, guiding him towards the door.

Before it can be opened, Nathan clears his throat. “Thanks. For saying that.”

“Nothing to thank me for, Nate. You’ve earned what you’re getting here,” Keith tells him seriously, earning a small smile from his nephew.

“Okay, well, I guess…hey, is it okay with Luke? I mean, things are kind of okay, but I don’t want to mess that up showing up there if I’m not welcome.”

“It’s fine!” Keith exclaims, taking him by the shoulders and guiding him to the truck. “Quit worrying about that, Nathan. I’m not going to take you somewhere that turns three people into nervous, bumbling messes.” Once they get in the truck, he glances over at his nephew, “Speaking of nervous and bumbling, you didn’t ask about Miss Haley James.”

Pete chuckles at that, earning a glare from Nathan. “I don’t want to know if she’ll be there or not,” Nathan admits in a mumble. “She’ll be pissed at me either way, but at least now I can say I didn’t know she was working.”

Nodding, Pete just smirks as Keith backs the car down the driveway. “Plausible deniability, I like that.”

“So glad to have your approval,” Nathan mutters, earning a chuckle from both of the other men, but when he asks his question, they both crack up laughing. “So, uh, is she there?”

“You’re hopeless,” Pete laughs. “Stick with the not knowing, Nate. It’ll be better for you that way.”

“I don’t know about that,” Nathan sighs, “But at least it’s a way I’m used to, I guess. I never know anything.”

Pete laughs, and Keith just shakes his head at the two, a smile on his face. “Nathan, don’t worry about this. Haley isn’t going to be upset to see you, I’m sure of it. Neither is Karen, and I think Luke might actually be glad to see you.”

“Did you warn them you were bringing me?” Nathan asks suspiciously. “You did, didn’t you? Keith, that’s not fair, they probably gave Haley the opportunity to run off.”

“Don’t be pathetic,” Pete ribs him, “And give her a little more credit than that. She’d probably at least want to hang around and glare at you or something. Especially after last night.”

Keith glances over. “Last night? What happened last night?”

Nathan shakes his head, sighing. “I yelled at her. I didn’t mean to yell at her, but she’s just - she has this way of brushing everything off and purposely misunderstanding me. It drives me crazy. And then I got mad.”

“Like an idiot,” Pete supplies in his oh-so-helpful manner. “Suave this boy ain’t, no matter how much I’ve tried to counsel him.”

Keith laughs while Nathan takes the high road and tries to ignore them both, his nerves rising to fever pitch when the old truck sputters to a stop across the street from the café. Pete jumps out of the truck, heading on in without a backwards glance, but Nathan lags back. Keith stays with him, and when Nathan’s ready, they walk in together.

“It’s fine,” Keith says again when Nathan stops at the door.

“I’ve only been here once,” Nathan sighs, “And you remember how great that one turned out. My parents fought in front of everyone, and…well, yeah.”

“Nathan, it is fine,” Keith tells him again. Both of them blink in surprise when the door opens, and Pete sticks his head out.

“Okay, I feel like an idiot in there by myself. Are you two coming in or what?” he asks irritably before turning and finding a table.

Keith grins at Nathan as he pushes him through the door. “Well, at least I know you aren’t going to become some reclusive wallflower with him around. That’s something.”

When he sees her, sitting at a table with Jake and a little girl he knows must be Jake’s daughter, he almost bolts. Almost. There is just no way he’s going to give Jake that satisfaction, though, so he grits his teeth together and follows Pete to the table. Keith gives him a sympathetic grin, and Pete shoves him on the shoulder in solidarity.

“Go say hi to her,” Pete tells him, practically as an order. “Don’t sit here and stare at her like she’s a piece of meat.”

“While I don’t necessarily think that’s what you’re doing, I have to agree. You should just talk to her,” Keith chimes in with his two cents. “You know she’s there and she knows you’re here, so why not just say hi to her?”

“Not when Jake is there.”

Pete rolls his eyes. “Dude, that is the lamest thing I’ve heard all day. And you’ve said a lot of crap, so it says something there.”

Nathan glares at his friend, nodding at Luke when he comes in through the front door. His half-brother does a fairly good deer in headlights as he looks between Haley and Nathan’s tables, eventually sighing and sidling his way over to Nathan’s table. “Hey,” he greets quietly, grinning at Keith and nodding at Nathan and Pete.

“What’s up?” Nathan returns, nodding towards Pete. “This is my roommate, Pete.” He looks over at Pete. “Pete, this is Luke.” He can’t quite bring himself to introduce Luke as his brother, but he’s getting closer to that milestone everyday. It’d probably give someone a heart attack to hear. He almost hopes Dan could be there for it. Okay, maybe that was needlessly cruel.

“Hey,” Pete grins easily. “Nice to meet you, man. This is your mom’s place, right? The soup is bomb, as is the coffee.” Loud enough for Haley to hear, he adds, “The waitresses are pretty fly, too.”

Luke snorts back a laugh as Haley glares over at them. “Ignore her, she’s mad because she didn’t get enough hot water this morning. She can get really mean when she wants to.” He smiles at Pete. “Nice to meet you, too.”

Keith pulls out the chair between him and Pete, across from Nathan, for Luke. He sits down, leaning forward with his elbows on the table. “How’d you end up deciding to come here?” he asks Pete conversationally.

Nathan sort of tunes out the conversation, his mind both on Haley and on how funny it is that him and Lucas have no problem conversing with anyone but each other. At least until recently. It was just sort of weird to see Luke talk so easily with Pete when conversation had come so hard to them.

He catches Haley staring at him a few times, but she does the same of him. He tries to give her a smile, but every time she gets caught, she looks away immediately. It’s a little frustrating for him, but after the jerk he was last night, he supposes he doesn’t deserve much better from her.

“Wake up, dude,” Pete calls to him, snapping his fingers in front of his face. “Put your order in.”

“Sorry,” he mumbles, glancing down at the menu. “Uh, I’ll just have whatever he’s having.” The lady nods, scrambling off to put their orders in. “What are we having, anyway?”

Luke and Pete both laugh, and it irritates Nathan that they’re getting along so well immediately. That’s probably not fair; he’s been looking forward to them meeting, in a way, for a while now. And maybe it is irrational, but he wants someone just for him. Someone who is all his and that he doesn’t have to share with someone else. He wants Haley back.

He has to sit there and watch as Jake teaches Haley something with the guitar that she’s holding. He has to watch as some other guy touches his girl. And not just some guy, it’s Jake. The guy that he knows is interested, knows would jump in in a second if she gave him the slightest signal.

“Hey, Nathan?” He looks over at his older brother. “Can, uh, we go talk for a second? Outside or something.”

Nathan is baffled by that, but nods, reluctantly following Lucas into the kitchen. Luke waves at his mother, who doesn’t seem surprised to see him, and leads him out the back door. When they’re outside, Nathan turns to face Luke. “What’s going on?”

“There’s nothing with Jake,” Luke tells him. “You had that look on your face, like you were going to beat on someone.” He grins sardonically. “And I’ve seen that look enough to recognize it for what it is, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Nathan chuckles. Even he can see the humor in that. “He - he likes her still, right? He did before, but then it wasn’t anything to worry about, but now…”

Luke shrugs, but he admits, “Yeah, he does. The thing is, she doesn’t. And she’s told him that, a bunch of times. He swears he’s cool with it, but he still likes her.”

Nathan sighs, wondering when he became the jealous, schmoopy guy that he seems to be stuck as. “What are they doing, then?”

“They’re trading guitar lessons for babysitting duty. It’s no big deal.” Luke shifts uncomfortably on his feet. “Look, she’s - I don’t know, he’s not it for her, though.”

Narrowing his eyes, Nathan stares at Luke. “But you think I am? I - I know things are different, that they’ve changed between us, but it’s sort of hard to believe they’ve changed that much.”

Luke sighs in agitation. “Okay, either you want me on your side or you don’t, Nathan. You’ve got to make up your mind on this.” Nathan shrugs impassively. “Fine, if you don’t want me to say anything on it, then quit sitting there looking like you’re about to attack my friends. I don’t know what you want from me.”

Embarrassed, Nathan hangs his head a little. “No, I don’t - I’m sorry. I guess it just surprises me still that you aren’t trying to burn me at the stake.”

“If we were Puritans, maybe I would,” Luke sighs. “Okay, I’m tired of Haley being sad and being unable to help her with that. And maybe it makes me nervous, but losing and missing you is what has made her this miserable. So, if you make her happy, then okay.”

“That’s all it takes?”

“Isn’t her happiness enough?” Luke asks point-blank. “I know you missed most of the fall out from what you did to her, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad now. Again. Whatever. But she’s so closed in on herself now, and I can’t get through to her. My mom can’t even get through to her. And maybe it isn’t right, but I’m beginning to think that you are the only one who can.”

Nathan grimaces. “You said before that it was bad. I feel awful about it, I do. I’d - if I could take away the hurt, I would.”

Nodding, Luke agrees, “Yeah, I know. That’s why. That, and you’re probably the only person who can now.”

He hates that he’s done this to her, hurt her like this, but at the same time, he has to admit he’s pleased that it comes back down to her and him. Everything for him does; it is satisfying that it does for her, too. And that even Luke can admit that, turn to him for help, is a big coup. Maybe he’s not too far off from getting Haley to see how great they are together.

“Come on, let’s get back in there. They might think we’re bonding or something,” Luke grins, giving a mock shudder.

Snorting back a laugh, Nathan offers, “Stranger things have happened?” They stare at each other for a minute before shaking their heads and simultaneously intoning. “Nah, nothing that strange.”

“Yeah,” Luke sighs when the awkwardness settles in. “Well, alright then.” Nathan follows him back through the kitchen door, surprised when Luke stops in front of his mother. “Mom? This is Nathan. I mean, I know you know that, but I don’t think you’ve ever been introduced.”

“Hi Nathan,” Karen greets kindly, betraying no hint of any ill will towards him. “It’s nice to officially meet you.”

“Likewise, Ms. Roe,” he nods, shifting his weight from foot to foot slowly as he shakes the hand that she extends.

She nods at him, turning to her son. “I put your food on the table. Go eat, before it gets cold.” Luke nods, kissing her on the cheek before leaving the kitchen. As Nathan is leaving, Karen stops him by laying a hand on his arm. “I hope that you’re genuine in everything,” she tells him softly, her gaze on him unnerving. “The three people that mean the most to me in this world have a lot riding on how genuine you are.”

He nods in response, mostly just to let her know that he was listening. He really was, but he just has nothing to say to that. No, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say, and it is freaking him out a little bit. She must figure out that he doesn’t know what to say because she gives him a gentle push towards the swinging door.

He glances over his shoulder as he walks back towards the dining area, giving her a small nod of acknowledgement. She, in turn, gives him a small smile that actually relaxes him a bit. Maybe if he can win over and prove to the people Haley cares about most that he has changed and that he is serious in this, then she’ll give him the chances that they are. Sure, he deserves them less from her than anyone else, but he has hope.

Maybe that’s all he needs for now.

~*~

Tim rolls his eyes when she ignores his question for the fourth time. “Hello, Haley!” he exclaims loudly, snapping his fingers in front of her face. “Are you awake?”

She blinks at his irritation, looking around in slight confusion. When she has her bearings, she sighs, giving him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Tim. I was just daydreaming.”

“I see that,” he notes humorlessly, put out that while he is actually trying to get his study on, she’s too busy ‘daydreaming’ or ‘thinking’ to help him.

“I’m sorry,” she sighs again, trying to keep the whine out of her voice when she says it. It isn’t his fault she’s so distracted, and she shouldn’t be letting it happen on his time. She can’t really blame him for being put out over it. “Okay, so what problem are you on, eight?”

He stares at her - they’re actually on twenty-two, but who’s counting? “Uh, are you okay, Haley? You seem really distracted.”

She gives him a strained smile, nodding tightly. “Yeah, things are great. School is great, work is great, everything is great.”

“How’s Nathan?”

She blinks, dropping her pencil. “I can’t believe you asked me that.”

“Why not?” he challenges. “That’s why you’re so distracted, isn’t it? Because you’re thinking of him. You don’t have to lie to me; it’s pretty clear.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Tim. So maybe you should just stop talking and start working on your math homework,” she grumps, not even sparing him a glance as she looks down at her own Lit book. “You’ve got a lot of work to do if you want to pass algebra.”

He doesn’t say anything to her nasty comment, but he drops his head and stares at his paper. She immediately feels guilty; when she reaches out to touch his arm, he pulls back. “Don’t,” he mutters. “Don’t let what Nathan did to you turn you into something you’re not. Just don’t do it. He’s not worth that; no one is. And I’d know, wouldn’t I? Because I let him treat me like crap for years, took the fall for things that he did, but I - I don’t snap at people who don’t deserve it. I didn’t let him do that to me.”

Her eyes water - it’s probably dust or something, because she’s not crying - and she hangs her head, feeling even guiltier than she did immediately after making the comment. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her elbow resting on the table as she leans forward. “I am sorry, Tim! And - and you’re right. I’m being a jerk. I don’t know that it’s because of Nathan or what he did, but regardless of the reason, it’s wrong. I’m sorry.”

“It’s cool,” he forgives, glancing up and giving her a tight smile.

She shakes her head. “No, it’s not okay. Tim - I - I’m sorry. And that doesn’t make it okay, no, I know that.”

He smiles again, and this time it is much more genuine. “Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that. I just - I guess I spent enough time getting attitude from Nathan that I don’t want to get it because of him now, you know?”

“Makes sense to me,” she agrees earnestly, leaning forward, tapping the eraser end of her pencil against her teeth as she regards him. “Do you really think it’s all about Nathan?”

“Come on,” he rolls his eyes. “Isn’t everything?”

She shakes her head. “Even if you want to think a lot is about it, not everything is. I don’t know, Tim. Everything is so difficult right now, and I don’t know what to do.”

Tim shrugs. “You don’t have to ‘do’ anything, Haley. If you don’t want to be with Nathan, that’s fine. Hell, that’s probably the rational choice, right? But if you decide that, then don’t take it out on anyone else. It’s your decision.” He stands up, grabbing his books. “I’m going to school. Need a ride?”

She’s about to nod gratefully when Nathan steps through the doorway of the café. Ever since Keith brought him here over the weekend and Karen gave her tacit approval for him being here, it has seemed like he shows up at all the times she’s working. He and Pete come in for dinner. Sometimes they’ll come for coffee. Sometimes it’s just Nathan. But he is always there, and she’s pretty sure it is driving her out of her mind. It is certainly weakening her resolve.

He doesn’t hesitate; no, he’s past the hesitating stage. Now he’ll just approach her right away and start talking like nothing ever happened. Like he never broke her heart into a million pieces. More than once.

“Hey,” he greets them both, giving Tim a tentative smile. “Uh, Haley, can I talk to you for a few minutes? We could ride to school together.”

“I have a ride,” she says in return, even though her first instinct was to burst out with a ‘yes’. Her first instincts haven’t brought her much but trouble, where Nathan was concerned at least. “I’m sure I’ll see you later, though.”

Nathan glances at Tim, and after a few seconds a look of understanding passes between them. “It’s cool, Haley. You don’t have to ride with me. In fact, you’d just be crimping my playa status. Having you in the car with me makes it tough to pick up the hotties at the bus stops! Oh, yeah!”

She gapes at him for a second, furiously trying to communicate with him herself, but he avoids eye contact, shuffling out the door. She turns to Nathan, her anger visible as she glares at him. “Why?” she asks as she puts her jacket on and grabs her backpack. She heads out the door, him hot on her heels. “Why do you have to do that? If I wanted to ride with you, I would’ve just said yes.”

He shrugs. “Well, now you have no choice,” he points out as Tim pulls his car away from the curb. “Unless you hate me so much that you want to walk instead?”

“Fine, just drive fast,” she mutters, reluctantly following him to his car. He glances over her, sighing at her anger. When is she ever going to give him an inch? As he starts the car, she looks over at him, her face softening slightly. “I don’t hate you, Nathan. I just don’t know why you have to do this to me.”

“Do what?”

She rolls her eyes. Of course he has no clue. Why would he know what he’s doing wrong? Boys! “Once again, you made a decision for me. You did that eye voodoo thing so that Tim wouldn’t take me to school. I hate it when you do things like that, decide something on my behalf. I hated it when you decided to end the calls, and I hate it now at something so little and stupid!”

He sits there, the car still in park. Glancing over at her, he takes her hand. “You sure you don’t hate me?”

“I don’t hate you,” she says again, “But that doesn’t mean anything more than that. I just…don’t hate you.”

“Maybe it is more than that,” he presses, a hopeful and teasing smile on his face. “Maybe you looove me.”

“I - I - “ she sputters, squirming uncomfortably in her seat. “Well, that is certainly presumptuous.”

Sighing at the reaction, he takes pity on her. “I was just teasing you, Hay. Believe me, I know where I stand,” he states flatly, more than a trace of bitterness underlying the words.

She looks over at him. “You make it sound like I’m the one doing something wrong. Is that what you think?”

“No,” he admits on a sigh. “I know you aren’t. I just - okay, this isn’t what you want to hear, but I have no doubt - zero - in my mind that we’ll be back together soon. None, Hay. But it’s frustrating for me, in the meantime. I hate waiting. You know how much I hate it when I don’t get my instant gratification. Come on, baby, you could give me a little break.”

“Where do you get off being so - so damn positive about this?” she sighs tiredly, rubbing at her eyes. “I haven’t given you any indication that anything will change. How do you do that?”

He smiles at her, reaching out to trail a finger along her arm. He doesn’t miss her shivered response. “Haley, if I can’t let myself hope that one day you’ll forgive me, then I don’t have a damn thing. I have to hold onto it - I always will.”

It makes her feel guilty that she can’t just wrap her arms around him and give him what he wants. It would be easy to do, just a simple little gesture, but she still has so much anger and humiliation swimming in her that she can’t bring herself to do it. So she stays quiet, acknowledging what he said with a terse nod. She doesn’t want to string him along and give him hope that she isn’t sure he should have, but when she wonders what it would be like if he gave up….she doesn’t like that, either.

He taps a finger on the back of her hand. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” she nods, clearly distracted as her mind races over everything, replays all that’s happened between them and to them and around them. That Nathan period of her life - and yes, that’s what it has come down to - is on a constant loop in her mind. She thinks about the things she did wrong as well as the things that she did right. She remembers every sweet or sexy word he ever said to her, and she even remembers how badly his parents could break him. Those are the ones that lend sympathy for him. A little, at least.

“Did I upset you?” he asks with concern, withdrawing his hand. To his surprise, she reaches out and catches it in hers. She doesn’t look at him, but she shakes her head. “Haley?”

“I’m okay,” she answers finally, turning towards him with a tight smile on her face. “It’s okay, Nathan.”

He turns his hand over in hers so that their palms are touching. “I don’t care if ‘it’ is okay; I just care if you are okay.”

She smiles again, and this time it is a little looser, a little less pinched. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

As she starts to retract her hand, he tightens his grasp on her fingers, not letting her pull away. “Do you - shit, Haley, do you need me to leave you alone?” he chokes out, not sure he’d be able to do it even if she answers affirmatively. “Is that really what you want and what you need?”

“I - no,” she shocks him by admitting. When he sighs in relief and leans toward her, she pulls back slightly. She doesn’t, however, yank her hand away, so he’ll take it as progress. “I’m not - I can’t jump back into things with you, but I can’t - I just can’t quite make myself close the door, either.”

“Okay,” he nods slowly, trying to exact her meaning so he doesn’t wreck whatever tenuous progress they’re making here. “Um, does that mean we can hang out sometime? Or not even hang out - maybe you could tutor me again?”

She gives him a small smile at that, rolling her eyes. “You’re in the AP classes now. You’ve pretty much proven that you don’t need a tutor.”

He squeezes her hand lightly. All he wants is to pull her onto his lap and kiss the hell out of her. Ignore the fact that they’re parked in front of the café still, that anyone could see them…he just wants to feel her in his arms again. “Those classes are hard, and if I want to stay in them, I think I might need a tutor,” he settles for saying.

“Yeah?” she asks, raising an eyebrow at that. He gives her what he hopes is a playful smile; he’s still afraid that everything about him reeks of desperation when it comes to her. She stares into his eyes, and oh, that is nice to have again, and she nods tentatively. “Yeah, okay. We can try tutoring.”

He lets out a pleased whoop of excitement, and reaches out for her, cupping a hand behind her head to draw her to him for a kiss. He half expects to get slapped, or at least for her to freeze on him, but she lets herself get pulled in and even kisses him back. She draws back first, and he lets her go easily. She’s given him a lot already this morning, and he knew he didn’t have a right to push for more. God, it was hard not to, though. So hard, with her soft hand in his. And he could smell her shampoo and taste her lip gloss.

Resting his free hand on her knee, he leans back in his seat. “So, we’re tutoring again. Back where it all started.”

She shifts in her seat, turning slightly towards him. “I guess we are.” She gives him a wry smile. “At least we aren’t lying to anyone this time. Um, unless there is something I don’t know….”

“No, God, no!” he exclaims, horrified that it is still her natural inclination to assume that he’s playing some game, that he has his own end in all this, and that he might hurt or use her to achieve those. “I promise you right now, in this crappy car of mine, that I’m being one hundred percent honest with you. That I will be from now on. I promise, Hay.”

“Okay,” she nods, and he’s not quite sure she believes that entirely. He is, however, relieved that she’s giving him that much. That she’s trying because she doesn’t even owe him that much. She really doesn’t, and he knows it. “We should probably go to school.”

He glances at the clock, sighing. “Would it do any good if I offered to drive us out to a deserted beach or something?” he asks with a wink.

”Tempting,” she sighs wistfully, again surprising him. She glances at his face, registering that he hadn’t expected her to say that. “Sorry, I guess after the way I’ve been acting, this is a little unexpected?”

He shrugs, not wanting to admit that he is stone cold shocked by it. “I figured you’d stay pissed at me for a bit longer,” he admits, quickly adding. “Not that I’m not thrilled that you’re willing to tutor me again, though. Because I really am.”

She blushes at the fervency, and even though there’s still uneasiness in her about this, she’s pleased that he’s smiling like that. It’s somehow nice to see a little bit of the hope replaced by happiness. She tries to tell herself not to care too much about it, but she can’t help it. A weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and maybe a corresponding one is off of hers, too.

“It’s hard to stay angry,” she tells him quietly. “And everyone is apparently against me in this, and I don’t know. Maybe that means something.”

“Don’t do this because everyone else wants you to,” he warns her, wincing at the words he forces himself to say. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to make them happy.”

She shrugs, smiling to herself out the window. “That’s the thing - it’s not about them at all.”

“Then what is it about?”

“Us. And that doesn’t mean anything in particular now, but it’s something, Nathan. I can’t - there’s just no way that I could jump back into where we were before because it’s, well, too much has changed, but maybe I don’t really want to force things to stay as they are now.” She looks over at him as tears spring to her eyes. “Because things really suck right now, and I hate that.”

He reaches out for her, and she lets him pull her to him in a quick hug before settling back out of his grasp. “I’m so sorry,” he apologizes again. “I know that it’s my fault things suck, and that I did so many horrible things. You just have to know that I’m sorry that I ever hurt you, baby.”

She looks over at him, giving him a watery smile. “It wasn’t just you,” she sighs. “It’s not like I’m perfect. I told you I didn’t want to talk, and when you honored that, I freaked. I took a bad situation and made it worse.”

“Deciding not to call you anymore, that wasn’t to hurt you,” he insists earnestly, leaning into her touch when she sets her hand on his arm. “If I was talking to you every day, it would’ve been so easy to just rely on an assumption that I was making progress because you didn’t hang up. But being cut off from you, that forced me to actually make progress, not just think I was. I know it doesn’t sound like I did anything special and hey, maybe I didn’t, but it feels like I did. I feel different, and I’m proud of what I’ve done.”

She slides her hand up his arm to cup his cheek. “Then I’m proud of you, too,” she whispers before pulling away, blushing. God, she’s not supposed to get this close, she really isn’t. She can’t, if only for her own sanity.

Too choked up to speak, he gives her a grateful smile and starts the car, driving them to school. They don’t say anything else, but for now, neither feels like they have to.