Approaching Normal - Chapter Nine
A/N: I'd apologize for the delay, but hopefully you all know that I am sorry for it. I've been far too busy doing important, real things to write lately, but I've been working it back in lately and it feels good. Hopefully that trend will continue. :P
Chapter Nine - Live From Day to Day
‘At some point, it just became about putting one foot in front of the other to keep moving. No destination was necessary, but staying still was not an option.’
“I think that’s the last of it,” Luke announces, standing up from the box he had been bent over. “Everything is in a box except for the bedding.”
Peyton nods, looking around the room. “Well, I thought this moment would be a lot worse than this actually is,” she comments, her voice giving away her surprise at that fact. “So, we’re done, and it is only eight. What are we going to do for the rest of the night?”
They both turn their eyes towards me which says they’ve already got something in mind that they think they need to talk me into agreeing to. Knowing that sometimes resistance really is well and truly futile, I ask, “What did you have in mind? I’m really game for anything tonight, within reason, of course.”
“Really?” Peyton grins. “Oh, that’s great, I figured we’d have to talk you into it tonight. I mean, I had a guilt trip all lined up and everything, but this way is so much easier. We told Skills and Mouth that we would meet back at that club again. They want to say goodbye.”
“That’ll be fun,” I agree, meaning it. We spent the afternoon and evening at the café with Karen, so why not finish off what Nathan deemed the farewell tour, right? “Who knows when we’ll get a chance to see them again?”
Luke’s expression closes off a little at that, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. He and Peyton still haven’t talked about where things between them were going. I haven’t said anything to either of them about it, but I am about ready to slam their heads together. They love each other so much, and they have everything going for them. I’d give my left arm to have what they have with someone, and they can’t even pull the trigger on it. A damn shame, those two.
Pretending to be oblivious to Luke’s moodiness and Peyton’s discomfort, I ask brightly, “What time are we meeting? Do we have time to get pretty? If we’re saying goodbye to Tree Hill, we might as well say goodbye in style, right?”
“An excellent plan,” Peyton grins, moving to Luke’s side to wrap an arm around his waist. “You wouldn’t mind giving us an extra hour or so, would you?”
He rolls his eyes, but grins back at her with his usual good nature. “I’ll call the guys and tell them we’ll see them in a couple hours.”
Peyton and I both grin at him. “You’re the best, Lukey,” I assure him before grabbing his girlfriend by the hand and dragging her forcibly up the stairs. “And you, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer,” I mutter as I close the door to her bedroom behind us, “Are apparently a coward. You haven’t talked to him about what you two are going to do yet, have you?”
She turns away, busying herself by rummaging through her suitcase. “Here, you should wear this skirt. It’s scandalously short on me, but just right on you.”
“Wow, so you’re going to completely ignore the question? What is going on?” I ask, actually a little confused by her refusal to answer. “Peyton,” I say quietly, setting a hand on her arm.
“I think you were wrong,” she accuses, tearing up. “I don’t think he really wants us to make that whole move halfway across the country and live together sacrifice. I - I tried to hint that I wanted that, but he either brushed me off or acted like I had the plague.”
“Okay, have you lost your mind? I don’t know what he did, but I know - I know - that he wants to be with you.” Sighing, I reach up, tugging on a lock of her tediously straightened hair. “What happened?” I whine.
She lets out frustrated (and dramatic) groan, moving to flop face down on the bed. “I don’t want to ask him outright because I am scared. What if he doesn’t want the same things that I do?”
“You know that he does,” I rebut calmly. I know that she wants me to give her an out this, to tell her to wait for him to approach her on the subject, but that would be a disservice to both of them, and I won’t do it. “Don’t talk yourself out of this,” I warn her. “This isn’t like when you decided not to go to Germany for the semester your junior year. Don’t sell yourself short; you can do this.”
“It’s still scary,” she shrugs, pulling jeans and one of her eight zillion rocker tees out of her open suitcase. “What if he wants to live Texas? Or worse yet, far worse, what if he wants to live in Tree Hill? Karen is here, of course, and I’m sure part of him wants to be near her.”
I sigh, more than a little unsure how to help her. “Then maybe you compromise somehow.” I suggest. “Come on, where is the girl who told me she’d follow him anywhere she had to so long as he was hers?”
Peyton groans at having her words thrown back in her face. “I was young and foolish when I made that silly proclamation.”
“That was last week!” I exclaim with a laugh. “Peyton!”
“I’m sorry!” she laughs with me. “It’s just - ugh. This whole situation is so damn frustrating. Neither of us wants to say anything about it that might cause even a tiny bit of discord, so we’re stuck in this holding pattern. And I know I had said I wanted to talk to him in person, but maybe waiting until we’re a thousand miles apart and have to do it by phone would be more prudent.”
Stifling the urge to groan aloud, I shrug noncommittally. “Well, I suppose that might work, but when he says yes and you two figure these things out, wouldn’t it be nice if he was there to hug and…well, whatever it is that you two do?”
I know that hits home because her mouth opens and promptly snaps shut without her uttering a single word. “I hate it when you’re right,” she growls, throwing a top at me. “Same thing as the skirt; a little too short on me, but just right on you. Change and do your hair.”
“Yes, sir,” I bark, flipping her a one-finger salute. She just laughs in response, shooing me towards the bathroom. “What shoes shall I wear, oh great personal stylist?”
“Shut up,” she laughs, throwing another shirt at me. “I’m just being nice! Dressing you up is like having my own personal, life-size Barbie doll.”
“Rock on,” I smirk, thinking that for Christmas she is actually going to get a life-size Barbie doll, and she can see how she likes that.
I can hear her laughing at me as I change quickly and shake out my hair, trying to make it a little more exciting. “Your hair is fine!” she yells through the door. I almost ask how she knew, but…that’s what best friends do. They know things.
We finish getting ready at about the same time, and then we head downstairs to meet Luke. He looks like his frustration hasn’t dissipated much, so I have to wonder just how fun this night is going to be. If those two get into things, if either of those two spends the night pouting, I might just have to scream.
He manages to brighten up when he spots us, jumping off the couch with a grin plastered on his face. Peyton kisses him on the cheek then hurries out the door leaving a slightly confused Luke staring after her. I give him a sympathetic smile, patting him on the arm. There isn’t really much I can say to him without saying a whole hell of a lot, so I keep my mouth shut, at least for now. One can never be sure how long that will last.
“It’ll be okay,” he murmurs in my ear as we walk out the door. I stop abruptly, blinking at him owlishly. “Honestly, Hales. I can tell you are worried. So just…don’t. We’ll get things figured out. Peyt and I aren’t your responsibility.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not entirely true,” I counter with a smile, “But I’ll try to not worry. If it makes you feel better.”
Nodding, he hooks an arm around my shoulders. “It does. All of this does, knowing that you worry and care. I appreciate it. And I’m sure she’s told you a million times, but I can tell that Peyt really appreciates it, too.”
All of my tension dissipates, and I know that everything is going to work out between the two of them. And while that really is thrilling for me, for one split second I actually have the audacity to wonder why they get that and I don’t. There’s a little niggling voice in the back of my head whispering that I could have that, that I did have it, but it isn’t here now and that’s enough to be more than just vaguely depressing.
We arrive later this time than we did the other day, so it is a bit more crowded and the only seating taking a crappy booth on the way to the bathrooms. Mouth and Skills aren’t there yet, so we stand at the bar, deciding that we can probably poach someone else’s table if we wait it out.
“This place is actually so fun,” Peyton again marvels, as if we hadn’t had virtually the same conversation last week when we were here. Luke and I share an amused look before he invites her out to the dance floor, leaving me to sit at the bar by myself. I turn around on the stool, keeping a watch on them and another on the door for Skills and Mouth.
Sighing, I turn back to the bar and order myself a drink. The bartender is a little flirty, to be expected of course, but I just don’t feel like indulging tonight. I am just feeling a little too out of sorts and a lot too sorry for myself to put forth that kind of effort. I shouldn’t be either of those things, and I try to talk myself out of it, but maybe the finality of leaving Tree Hill forever is weighing on me. Or maybe it’s the Nathan thing.
Hmm, one of those things seems likelier than the other.
Sipping the frou-frou umbrella-less umbrella drink Luke had ordered for me, I shake my head at my own melancholy. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to have to worry about going back home to California and being back to the point where I have feelings for Nathan again. While I’m not sorry, not even in the slightest, to have seen Nathan while I was here and find out what he’s been up to, it does hurt to have old feelings stirred up.
Who needs the reminder that you had something special and amazing at sixteen and lost it before eighteen even rolled around? I guess that I don’t.
Maybe that’s what bothers me the most. In some ways, I think it worse to have the old wounds ripped open than it is to realize that I still have some seriously unresolved feelings for Nathan. Okay, not some, all.
Still, it doesn’t really do to dwell on my own shortcomings and/or bits of lunacy.
Really, what am I doing? Before I can come up with any semblance of a decent answer, I spot Skills and Mouth making their way towards me. Thank God, a viable distraction! This is exactly what I need right now, something - or in this case, two someones - to keep my mind off of all things Nathan. I need their goofy banter and good-natured flirting right now. Anything to stop me from dwelling on the past and present propositions.
“Hey!” I greet them cheerfully, resolving that tonight will not be about me and my boatload of problems and issues, but about having fun with my friends. It will be about saying a pretty permanent goodbye to people I care about on a stinking high note for once. “I’m so glad that you guys were up for this tonight!”
“Wouldn’t miss it for anything,” Skills grins, pulling me into a hug. “You’re up and leaving us again. How could we not come out and see you off? Plus, it’s only a matter of time before Luke bails on us, too.”
Rolling his eyes, Mouth pulls him off me and steps up to take his place. “What he means is that Tree Hill isn’t the most exciting of places, so what else would we be doing on a night like this?” he teases.
Skills rolls his eyes at that, but both he and I manage to laugh. “Even if I had a million and two other things to do, I’d still be out here with you guys,” he affirms. Looking around, he tries to spot Luke and Peyton. “Where are they happy lovebirds? They still trying to figure things out?”
“I guess,” I sigh, knowing exactly what he is asking. “Any time now, though, I think. I hope. I maybe have convinced Peyton to have the conversation here, in person, rather than over the phone. Hopefully that stuck.”
“They’re both nervous,” Mouth nods, rolling his eyes a little. “It’s pretty obvious that they both want the same thing. Maybe they’ll cease and desist with the time wasting soon.”
Grinning, I nod my agreement with that. “I think they will. It’ll be soon,” I smile. “It will also be interesting to see what they decide to do.”
Mouth frowns, looking as though he wants to ask about that, but Skills jumps in to point out an open table. “Come on, let’s grab that one. Sitting at the bar isn’t really conducive to having good conversations with friends.”
We take the table, and it’s actually a decent one sort of it in the middle of all the action. As we sit there, people come up to greet Mouth or Skills, and they introduce me, or in some cases reintroduce, to their friends and acquaintances. It’s actually more bearable than I’d have imagined, and it is actually kind of fun to see some of our classmates again. I hadn’t imagined getting a kick out of something like this, so it’s definitely a pleasant surprise.
Peyton and Luke finally make their way over to the table, plopping down onto chairs tiredly. “It is so hot out there,” Peyton laughs, her head falling back in an exaggerated show of her tiredness.
“Peyton, do tell,” Skills begins conversationally, leaning forward with his elbow on the table and his head propped in his hand. “How do you get Lucas Scott, one with a well-documented case of two left feetism, out on the dance floor for such a sustained period of time? I’m beginning to think you’re some kind of witch or something!”
“Oh, yes, I’m a good witch, didn’t you know?” she grins, batting her eyes at Luke who flicks his finger against her shoulder. “Ow, I hate it when you do that.”
Mouth raises an eyebrow at that. “So, there’s a lot of flicking between you two, huh?” he teases, earning eye rolls from both of them. “Dirty!”
Skills groans, thumping Mouth on the back. “Boy, you have got to get some better material! That’s just not even…man, I can’t believe you’re the one I’m stuck with here.”
“Oh, don’t pretend that I’m not your favorite,” Mouth banters back good-naturedly, reaching out to pinch Skills’ cheek.
“You two are quite the pair,” Peyton grins, smirking at me a little bit. She reaches out, grabbing Luke’s hand off the table, winding their fingers together. “You three losers need dates. It’d be way more fun if we were all out there dancing.”
Skills rolls his eyes, echoing the sentiment that I’m feeling. “You know, not everyone needs a significant other to validate themselves, Skinny Girl. Some of us are confident in who we are, and don’t need anyone else patting us on the head and - and…help me out, McFadden!”
Mouth shrugs as he tries to get the attention of the waitress walking past us. “Yeah, we have confidence, woo.”
“Wow, that was convincing,” I note blandly, smirking at Peyton. “Anyway, I’ll take up your cause, Skills. Some of us are perfectly happy living our lives for ourselves and not some boyfriend or girlfriend. We’re capable of being happy on our relative own, because we have such charming, lovely friends to fall back on. So…there.”
“Gee, great, strong statement, ending on a childish fallback,” Skills complains at me, throwing his hands up in the air. “You’re worse than Mouth! Next thing you’ll say is some crap like ‘I’m rubber…’. I can’t take it.”
I squeak out a laugh, trying to glare at him but eventually giving it up as a bad try. “You are just as much of a brat as you ever were,” I insist to him.
Giving me a mocking bow, he smiles brightly at all of us. “I do try, Miss James. I do indeed try. Anyway, let’s go dance. C’mon, Hales, get up off that little behind of yours, and come demonstrate those California girl moves of yours!”
“Didn’t she already show you her moves sufficiently last time we were here?” Mouth points out, prompting me to lean over and kiss him on the cheek.
“Must tick you off, Skills,” Luke begins conversationally, shooting the smuggest look he can manage - that looks hilariously forced, “That Mouth, who has no interest in the ladies, still does better with them than you can ever do.”
“Oh, ha ha,” Skills growls at him, flipping an obscene hand gesture Luke’s way. Peyton giggles at the scene while Mouth and I just roll our eyes at each other.
Standing up, I tug on Skills’ collar. “Come on, dawg!” Grinning, I pull on him again, saying, “If you want a dance, let’s go now before it gets much more packed in here. You can barely walk as it is.” Motioning at the rest of them, I ask, “Well, are you guys coming?”
We all dance around, some more goofily (Luke and Mouth, mainly, and Skills and Peyton to mock them) than others, and just generally have a good time. Eventually, it is just Skills and I out there for a few songs, and when we stagger laughingly back to the table, Peyton and Luke are standing up. Peyt pulls me outside to the deck, grinning slightly giddily, which is rare for her, to say the least.
“What’s up?” I ask, slightly distracted by the long curls trying to overtake my face. Why do I always forget rubber bands at the times I need them most? I swear.
“Hello, Earth to Haley, come in, Haley,” Peyton sighs, snapping her fingers in front of my face. “Quit spacing out, you goofball.”
With a mock frown, I laugh, “Can’t you see I was in the middle of a good mental ramble? I don’t know why you always have to go and ruin that for me!”
Shaking her head, she deigns to give me an indulgent smile. “Because, my friend, you would walk around with your head in the clouds all the time if it weren’t for me bringing you back to reality. Honestly, how you made it through all crazy, perfect grades, I’ll never know.”
“No, you won’t,” I agree, earning a playful shove from her. “So, what’s up? Why’d you drag me off like that?”
“I think this is it!” she tells me in a rather excited stage whisper. At my blank look, she huffs in exasperation. “Luke and I are going to take off, take a drive and have a talk. The talk, I think. I hope.”
Throwing my arms around her, I hug her tight. “Oh, I’m so glad, Peyt! You guys go do whatever it is you have to and figure things out, okay?”
She glances around, sighing a little. “What about you? Will you be okay to get a ride with the boys?”
“Of course,” I agree easily, not going to let her make me the reason they don’t have the talk. “If that doesn’t pan out, these shoes can easily make it back to the house. Don’t even worry about me for a second, okay? Just focus on you and Luke and all the great things that are coming for you both!”
“Okay,” she nods, taking a deep breath. “Okay, I can do this. Yes, I can, definitely I can do this. Well, I probably can.”
“Of course you can,” I say again, like it is the easiest thing in the world. Just because I want to be a coward and take the easy way when I can doesn’t mean that I don’t want more for her. Because I really, really want more for her. I want so much more for her. “Good luck. Negotiate for LA, but don’t let it be a deal breaker.”
She laughs a little at that, pulling something of a sad smile as she quietly regards me. “I’ll do my best for LA,” she promises quietly.
I nod in return, giving her a small smile. There’s really nothing else I can say.
~*~
“Then there were two, huh?” Skills quips awhile later, grinning at me. “Want to get out of here? I’ll walk you back to Peyton’s house since Mouth drove me here.”
“Well, if I had to be ditched, at least they left me with some company, right?” I smile, grabbing my purse. “Yes, by the way, I do want to get out of here. This place is a lot duller when you don’t have a group of friends to hang out with, you know?”
He nods as he grabs his jacket off the back of his chair. “I’m definitely not used to going out without Mouth,” he admits with a wry smile. “Guess he’s kind of my wing man.”
Fighting a smile, I pat him on the shoulder. “I miss Peyton, too,” I grin at him, laughing when he rolls his eyes. “What? It’s okay to get used to having things a certain way.”
Skills doesn’t respond to that as we cross the crowded dance floor. Once we’re outside, I breathe deep of the cool, sweet air, trying not to let it bother me that this is like the last time I’ll ever smell it. It shouldn’t bother me; after all, the Tree Hill portion of my life is truly over and done. So what difference does it make now? None of this should matter bother me anymore.
“Let’s walk the long way through town,” I suggest quietly. “If Luke and Peyt went back to the house, I don’t really want to interrupt.”
He nods his agreement. “They deserve to have that conversation privately, I suppose. You think they’re doing okay with it?”
Glancing up at him, I nod. “Of course they are. This is so important to both of them that I actually have complete faith that they can get through it without screwing things up royally. For once.”
“Did Luke ever tell you how much he regrets going to a different school from her? He said that he was always sorry he didn’t try harder to work it out so they were closer. Or even chase her down.”
“No,” I admit, a little surprised. Luke and Peyton had both always seemed so confident and content with their handling of things, including the distance, that I never would’ve imagined Luke would have regrets - pretty serious ones, even - like that. “I know Peyton questioned it a few times, but never like that. And Luke certainly never alluded to that. I’m surprised. Definitely surprised. Actually, that gives me a little selfish hope,” I admit quietly.
He nods, not appearing too surprised that Luke hadn’t mentioned any of this to me. “I think that he really wanted to keep you out of the middle while they worked things out. Peyton needed you more than he did, and he was willing to give her that and it was okay with him.”
“Wow,” I murmur stupidly, not having a better response. “Luke’s a lot cooler than you remember until you get a reminder like that. I needed Peyton just as much as she needed me.”
Skills snickers at that. “He’s an alright guy, definitely one of the best I know. I just wish he’d be that stand up towards Nathan for a change. Bro could use it.”
I look over at him, ready to reprimand him for bringing Nathan up, but he just gives me such an arch look that I roll my eyes, giving in and looking away. He pokes me on the shoulder and I sigh, glancing back his way. “What? What am I supposed to say, Skills?”
He shrugs. “I don’t care, just say something true.”
“Something true? Okay, this is my last night in Tree Hill. I’m never coming back, and I’ll never see Nathan again. I’m not a part of his life, and he is not a part of mine. That’s a true statement.” Folding my arms across my chest, I have to fight back the urge to glare at him. “I don’t even know why you’re bringing this up.”
“Oh, calm down,” he scowls at me, shaking his head. “If you weren’t so ridiculously defensive, maybe I’d believe that BS of yours. No offense, but you are not a very good actress.”
“Unbelievable,” I mutter. “I hadn’t seen him for five years. I hadn’t even wanted to for four! You can think what you want, but Nathan and I are through. You don’t have to believe that, I guess, but it’s what I believe. At the end of the day, I suppose that is what actually counts.”
He stops walking and I take a few more steps before reluctantly stopping and turning to face him. “You still love him.” It isn’t a question, but to his credit, it doesn’t come off like an accusation, either. “You can say it, Hales. I won’t tell anyone.”
My mouth falls open of its own volition, and it takes me a second to realize that and snap it shut. “There’s nothing to tell, Skills. I don’t love Nathan. Shoot, I barely know the guy now, and maybe…maybe I never did know him at all. Look at how things went. I don’t think we knew ourselves, let alone one another.”
“That’s a whole bunch of crap,” he snorts indelicately. “If you felt that way, if you really thought that, then why’d you hunt him down at the beach house? If you need to lie to yourself, fine, but leave me out of it.”
“Nice, very nice,” I sigh, knowing that I am probably pouting a little. “What do you want from me anyway? Okay, fine, yeah, I went to see him. He showed up at Peyt’s in the middle of the night and said a bunch of things that piqued my curiosity. Sue me! Luke wouldn’t tell me the story, so I went to the source. Maybe I made a mistake.”
“You don’t really think it was mistake, and we both know that,” Skills suggests softly. He holds up his hands before I can protest. “I honestly think that you are the only person who ever loved him unconditionally. He never got that from his parents, and even Luke had a limit to how much shit he’d take. Maybe he didn’t know what to do with that, and maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to believe the worst when you went on tour with that douche. He had no frame of reference.”
I sigh, glancing away. “It doesn’t matter. It’s been five years since we even spoke until this week, and there is nothing there. Honestly, coming back here just crystallized in my mind how good it is that I’ve moved on,” I say as strongly and assertively as I can muster.
He isn’t buying it; I can tell that by the way he raises an eyebrow at me. “If all that is true, then why’d you react to Nathan like he’d done gone and got the plague?”
“Maybe moving on doesn’t necessarily make it easier to face your worst moments,” I retort bitterly. “Maybe it’s never easy to come back to the scene of your biggest humiliations and worst heartbreaks. And maybe I’ve never gotten over those feelings, but I have no desire to work through them here! Why are you pushing this, anyway?”
“Nathan needs you,” he states bluntly. “He’s my friend, he’s hurting, and I know how much you could help him, Haley. Don’t turn your back on him now just to be spiteful.”
“I’m spiteful?” I ask as I try to ignore how good the fresh North Carolina air feels, more than a little wounded by his comment. “Just because I wouldn’t dream of going down the same dead end road again, it does not make me spiteful. So forgive me my disinterest in pandering to a nostalgic ex-husband.”
Skills stares at me, huffing in exasperation. “That’s pretty unforgiving, Hales,” he chides me. “He made mistakes, but so did you! You made mistakes, too.”
“But I didn’t set out to hurt or punish him! What I did, leaving, yeah, okay that was selfish. I know that, Nathan knows that, the whole freaking world knows it!” I sigh, tipping my head to the side as I regard him. “Skills, I know I messed up. I messed up and I’ve been punished for it. I don’t think that I deserve to be punished any longer for things that happened five years ago.”
“Well, neither does Nathan!”
I fall silent at that, stiffening at the implication. “I didn’t realize that he was being punished by anyone. I also did not realize that that would somehow be my problem since he is, after all, my ex-husband. He did divorce me, after all.”
He quirks an eyebrow up at me. “You and Luke have punished him more than anyone else has. Don’t you think that you owe him in a chance now? He has busted his ass to get his life back to some semblance of normalcy. You could at least hear him out, Hales. What harm is that going to do anyone?”
Uh, it might only break my heart again, but no big deal that, apparently. Oh, and you know, derail any and all progress I’ve made in putting this part of my life behind me. Not that I can say any of this to Skills, of course. “I’ve seen him. I have talked to him a couple of occasions. I’ve even heard him out. What more do you want from me?”
“Why won’t you give him a little more than that?” he pushes, sighing when I groan in frustration. “I’m serious, Haley. I know that doesn’t happen very often, but I am about this. He’s changed, and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like he is crap on the bottom of your shoe.”
“When?” I demand angrily, “When have I done that? Don’t put this off on me, Skills! He ordered me out of his life, and after months of resisting and begging and pleading and generally degrading myself, I gave him what he wanted. There are no do-overs here. He can’t just take it back now because he’s unhappy with other things in his life. I can’t change the fact that I’ve moved on with my life. I don’t want to change that, either.” I’m fairly shouting now, so I pause to take a deep breath and calm myself down. “Look, I appreciate that you’re trying to be a good friend to Nathan, but I can’t help you. I also don’t really care for being made to feel guilty for things I didn’t even do wrong. I don’t deserve that.”
His face falls, and I can tell that I’ve succeeded (without really trying) in making him feel guilty. “I’m sorry, Hales. I get that you think I’m just sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, but I really want to do right by all three of you. There is no getting through to Luke right now, but I had hoped you’d at least be reasonable about things.”
“I’m not trying to be unreasonable,” I start to explain, feeling a tiny bit more patient now, “But Skills, I can’t. I can’t put myself into the situation you’re asking me to put myself into.”
“Yeah, okay, I know,” he sighs in agreement. “I’m sorry. It just didn’t seem like you’ve really moved on, you know? No serious relationships, no overly excited and effusive verbal tributes to the City of Angels. You just don’t seem…completely happy.”
Wow, talk about your standard application of brutal honesty. “I’m hardly miserable. Maybe I’m not in a relationship, but I have a lot of good things going for me out there. I’m not unhappy.”
That was the truth, too. I am not unhappy with life in Los Angeles, but all the same…was I really happy? I guess there is nothing to say that you have to be one or the other, so do I fall into some weird no-man’s land vacuum of emotional ‘in the middle’?
“I’m glad you aren’t unhappy,” he grins at me, breaking me out of that rather maudlin line of thoughts. “I hope you know that I wasn’t sitting around wishing misery on you all this time, just to hook you back up with Nathan.”
“Look, I can’t say for sure what Nathan wants or what is best for him, but I do know it isn’t me. Trying to reconnect with him isn’t him moving forward; it’s him taking about a zillion and one steps backward. Don’t let him regress, okay? I know that he’s been through a lot, more than he ever should have, but he can’t just jump back because it would make things simpler. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“Aw, hell, Hales! He knows that,” Skills complains. “I swear, he knows that.”
Shifting uncomfortably, I glance over at him. “Do the two of you spend a lot of time talking about this? About me? It’s a little weird if you did; I’m not going to lie.”
“Just cut him a little slack, yeah? He’s a bit slow on the uptake, you know? But no, we don’t talk about you all the time,” he snickers. “In fact, not much at all. Just enough for me to discern that you are very important to him and that’s not something that will go away anytime soon.”
I sigh, giving him a rueful smile. “It’s probably just a phase, right? There is nothing special about me to get all hung up on, so I’m sure he’ll get past this sooner rather than later.”
Skills loops an arm over my shoulders, hugging me to his side. “You’re a million things special, girl. I ain’t even trying to lie about that, either.”
“Well, thanks,” I smile, leaning my head on his shoulder. “I don’t know how right you are, but it’s still nice of you to say, Skills.”
“You need to learn to take a compliment gracefully,” he full out laughs. “Besides, it really is true, and I’m not even close to being the only one to thinks so either. You, my friend, are truly freaking awesome, and if it wouldn’t wreck several friendships, I’d put the moves on you right now myself.”
I roll my eyes, playfully elbowing him in the side. “I’m glad for Nathan. That he has a friend like you, I mean. He’s very lucky.”
“I doubt he would agree with you, but thanks anyway,” he grins. “Seriously, though, he’s a pretty good guy. I know he hurt you, but…”
“He didn’t hurt me,” I interrupt heatedly. “He broke my heart. There’s a bit of a difference there, don’t you think?
“Yeah, I suppose so,” he agrees blandly.
“We aren’t teenagers anymore,” I go on, almost unaware of him now as I talk myself through this. “There’s just nothing there for us anymore. Nathan thinks that reclaiming what he had in high school will erase what happened, the things he’s lost. It doesn’t work like that, though. You know what I mean?”
Skills looks at me in amusement. “That’s fairly presumptuous, don’t you think? C’mon, Hales! You could give him a tiny bit of credit here. It’s pretty safe to say that he knows that ain’t nothing taking that crap away. It happened, he’s dealing with it, and that has nothing to do with how he feels about you.”
I shrug, lifting my head from his shoulder. “Well, still, my point remains the same. There is no going back. You can’t recapture the past on a whim.” Sighing, I glance around, surprised to see the river court across the street. “It’s weird to be here,” I whisper almost reverently. “We must’ve spent half our waking hours here as children. I watched you boys play for hours on end some days.”
“’Til it was dark,” he laughs. “It hasn’t changed much, either. You would think that, at some point, it would start looking a little different. Guess now isn’t that point, eh?”
“Guess not,” I agree, staring at the empty court. For once, I think I can see it for what it is: a basketball court, a child’s playground. It isn’t the place where multiple defining moments in my life occurred or where our dreams lived and died. Well, fine, it isn’t just that place anymore. “It’s just an empty basketball court.”
He drops his arm from around my shoulders, regarding me curiously. “Nathan said he always blamed this place for all his troubles. It’s weird to hear you say basically the same thing that he’s been saying since he got back. He realized this is just a place.”
I smile tightly at him, giving the court one last long look. “So much happened here, for all of us. I can understand why it would be some kind of symbol of his troubles, past and present, for Nathan.”
“And for you, too?”
“I saw him here once, not long after I agreed to the divorce. He was making out with Brooke Davis in our stupid old crap car. I still had some hope then, but that pretty much took care of that.”
“I never knew that,” Skills admits quietly, surprise written all over his face.
I laugh wryly. “Well, it wasn’t really something that I wanted to advertise, you know? It sure made applying for out of state schools easier, though. Way more appealing.”
“Go figure,” he mutters softly, starting to walk again. I fall into step beside him, staring straight ahead as I resist the urge to look back at that court of foolish dreams and lost hopes. It bothers me that things that aren’t supposed to bother me do. “I didn’t know, though. Honest, Hales, I wouldn’t have pushed you like this if I had.”
“Probably? It’s okay, don’t even worry about it,” I assure him, and I guess it is. “I get where you are coming from, and I admire that you want to help your friend. It’s just that I can’t help.”
“I just feel bad for him, you know? Like the things that happened to him were so crappy that the guy just deserves a break for a change.” Skills sighs, “Even though I’m not the support system he wants or really needs, I figured I could help some.”
I smile, leaning my head against his shoulder. “You’re pretty awesome, you know that?”
He laughs. “Well, I certainly try.”
Yeah, I do know all about trying. I know that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it isn’t enough. And I know that sometimes, you have to stop trying and let things go.
~*~
“You know, there are universities here with great medical schools,” Karen tells me as she pulls me in for another hug. “I mean it, Haley, you should consider coming home. It would be so wonderful to have you back here, especially now that my son has decided to forsake me.”
“Mom,” Luke groans, sounding a little whiney. I almost can’t blame him, though. Karen has been giving him a lot of grief. “Come on, don’t make us feel so guilty for living our eyes. That’s really not fair.”
Karen sighs, giving him a watery smile. “I know. I know that I’m being awful about this, but I just miss you all so much. It’s very hard with you all being away now. I miss you, honey, and as a parent, that is my right.”
I smirk at Luke, noting that Peyt is doing the same. Luke is beat, and he knows it. Karen rarely plays the parent card, so when she does, Luke generally backs off. He sighs, leaning against the counter. “I know, I know, Mom. We talked about this.”
“We’ll all miss you, Karen,” I chime in tentatively, my arm still around her waist. “Leaving you here and knowing I won’t see you, aside from special occasions, is far and away the worst part of leaving Tree Hill. I always miss you.”
Karen hugs me tightly again. “Really, though, Haley,” she begins, turning back towards me, “If you decided to come back here for school, I have extra room. I’d be thrilled to have you here with me.”
I laugh, but Luke just huffs in exasperation. “Mom, leave her alone. She likes it out there, let that be enough for all of us, yeah?”
“Of course it is,” Karen smiles, looking a little tight around the mouth. “I’m just putting the offer out there. She should know all of her options.” She starts to force another smile, and it strikes me that something is really upsetting her. When she reaches up to wipe a tear away, Luke and I share a concerned look. “Well, that’s really all I wanted to say. I just thought that you should know before you left.”
“Well, thank you,” I hesitantly offer, not sure what else to do with her acting so oddly. “It’s good to know I always have a place to go if I need it.”
“Oh, thank God you told them, Karen,” Deb says as she notices the tears on Karen’s cheeks, coming out of the kitchen carrying a batch of muffins. “I was beginning to think you’d let them all leave for California without telling them that you’re sick. That would’ve been such a mistake. I know that cancer is scary, but we’re already working on beating it.”
Oh. My. God. What? “What?” Luke whispers, echoing all of our thoughts. “Mom, what - Mom?”
Deb’s mouth opens and closes as Karen - and the rest of us - stares at her in horror. “You didn’t - oh, Kar, I - I didn’t - I thought you’d told them. Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s - it’s okay,” Karen murmurs faintly, staring at Luke.
“Mom, what is going on? Is this some weird sort of joke?” he sputters. Peyton grasps his arm, her helpless eyes looking to me for direction. Too bad I’m at a complete loss, too. “Mom?”
Karen’s eyes cast downward as she avoids our shocked faces. “I - I have breast cancer,” she whispers her admission.
And the world, it crashes down around us.
Chapter Nine - Live From Day to Day
‘At some point, it just became about putting one foot in front of the other to keep moving. No destination was necessary, but staying still was not an option.’
“I think that’s the last of it,” Luke announces, standing up from the box he had been bent over. “Everything is in a box except for the bedding.”
Peyton nods, looking around the room. “Well, I thought this moment would be a lot worse than this actually is,” she comments, her voice giving away her surprise at that fact. “So, we’re done, and it is only eight. What are we going to do for the rest of the night?”
They both turn their eyes towards me which says they’ve already got something in mind that they think they need to talk me into agreeing to. Knowing that sometimes resistance really is well and truly futile, I ask, “What did you have in mind? I’m really game for anything tonight, within reason, of course.”
“Really?” Peyton grins. “Oh, that’s great, I figured we’d have to talk you into it tonight. I mean, I had a guilt trip all lined up and everything, but this way is so much easier. We told Skills and Mouth that we would meet back at that club again. They want to say goodbye.”
“That’ll be fun,” I agree, meaning it. We spent the afternoon and evening at the café with Karen, so why not finish off what Nathan deemed the farewell tour, right? “Who knows when we’ll get a chance to see them again?”
Luke’s expression closes off a little at that, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. He and Peyton still haven’t talked about where things between them were going. I haven’t said anything to either of them about it, but I am about ready to slam their heads together. They love each other so much, and they have everything going for them. I’d give my left arm to have what they have with someone, and they can’t even pull the trigger on it. A damn shame, those two.
Pretending to be oblivious to Luke’s moodiness and Peyton’s discomfort, I ask brightly, “What time are we meeting? Do we have time to get pretty? If we’re saying goodbye to Tree Hill, we might as well say goodbye in style, right?”
“An excellent plan,” Peyton grins, moving to Luke’s side to wrap an arm around his waist. “You wouldn’t mind giving us an extra hour or so, would you?”
He rolls his eyes, but grins back at her with his usual good nature. “I’ll call the guys and tell them we’ll see them in a couple hours.”
Peyton and I both grin at him. “You’re the best, Lukey,” I assure him before grabbing his girlfriend by the hand and dragging her forcibly up the stairs. “And you, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer,” I mutter as I close the door to her bedroom behind us, “Are apparently a coward. You haven’t talked to him about what you two are going to do yet, have you?”
She turns away, busying herself by rummaging through her suitcase. “Here, you should wear this skirt. It’s scandalously short on me, but just right on you.”
“Wow, so you’re going to completely ignore the question? What is going on?” I ask, actually a little confused by her refusal to answer. “Peyton,” I say quietly, setting a hand on her arm.
“I think you were wrong,” she accuses, tearing up. “I don’t think he really wants us to make that whole move halfway across the country and live together sacrifice. I - I tried to hint that I wanted that, but he either brushed me off or acted like I had the plague.”
“Okay, have you lost your mind? I don’t know what he did, but I know - I know - that he wants to be with you.” Sighing, I reach up, tugging on a lock of her tediously straightened hair. “What happened?” I whine.
She lets out frustrated (and dramatic) groan, moving to flop face down on the bed. “I don’t want to ask him outright because I am scared. What if he doesn’t want the same things that I do?”
“You know that he does,” I rebut calmly. I know that she wants me to give her an out this, to tell her to wait for him to approach her on the subject, but that would be a disservice to both of them, and I won’t do it. “Don’t talk yourself out of this,” I warn her. “This isn’t like when you decided not to go to Germany for the semester your junior year. Don’t sell yourself short; you can do this.”
“It’s still scary,” she shrugs, pulling jeans and one of her eight zillion rocker tees out of her open suitcase. “What if he wants to live Texas? Or worse yet, far worse, what if he wants to live in Tree Hill? Karen is here, of course, and I’m sure part of him wants to be near her.”
I sigh, more than a little unsure how to help her. “Then maybe you compromise somehow.” I suggest. “Come on, where is the girl who told me she’d follow him anywhere she had to so long as he was hers?”
Peyton groans at having her words thrown back in her face. “I was young and foolish when I made that silly proclamation.”
“That was last week!” I exclaim with a laugh. “Peyton!”
“I’m sorry!” she laughs with me. “It’s just - ugh. This whole situation is so damn frustrating. Neither of us wants to say anything about it that might cause even a tiny bit of discord, so we’re stuck in this holding pattern. And I know I had said I wanted to talk to him in person, but maybe waiting until we’re a thousand miles apart and have to do it by phone would be more prudent.”
Stifling the urge to groan aloud, I shrug noncommittally. “Well, I suppose that might work, but when he says yes and you two figure these things out, wouldn’t it be nice if he was there to hug and…well, whatever it is that you two do?”
I know that hits home because her mouth opens and promptly snaps shut without her uttering a single word. “I hate it when you’re right,” she growls, throwing a top at me. “Same thing as the skirt; a little too short on me, but just right on you. Change and do your hair.”
“Yes, sir,” I bark, flipping her a one-finger salute. She just laughs in response, shooing me towards the bathroom. “What shoes shall I wear, oh great personal stylist?”
“Shut up,” she laughs, throwing another shirt at me. “I’m just being nice! Dressing you up is like having my own personal, life-size Barbie doll.”
“Rock on,” I smirk, thinking that for Christmas she is actually going to get a life-size Barbie doll, and she can see how she likes that.
I can hear her laughing at me as I change quickly and shake out my hair, trying to make it a little more exciting. “Your hair is fine!” she yells through the door. I almost ask how she knew, but…that’s what best friends do. They know things.
We finish getting ready at about the same time, and then we head downstairs to meet Luke. He looks like his frustration hasn’t dissipated much, so I have to wonder just how fun this night is going to be. If those two get into things, if either of those two spends the night pouting, I might just have to scream.
He manages to brighten up when he spots us, jumping off the couch with a grin plastered on his face. Peyton kisses him on the cheek then hurries out the door leaving a slightly confused Luke staring after her. I give him a sympathetic smile, patting him on the arm. There isn’t really much I can say to him without saying a whole hell of a lot, so I keep my mouth shut, at least for now. One can never be sure how long that will last.
“It’ll be okay,” he murmurs in my ear as we walk out the door. I stop abruptly, blinking at him owlishly. “Honestly, Hales. I can tell you are worried. So just…don’t. We’ll get things figured out. Peyt and I aren’t your responsibility.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not entirely true,” I counter with a smile, “But I’ll try to not worry. If it makes you feel better.”
Nodding, he hooks an arm around my shoulders. “It does. All of this does, knowing that you worry and care. I appreciate it. And I’m sure she’s told you a million times, but I can tell that Peyt really appreciates it, too.”
All of my tension dissipates, and I know that everything is going to work out between the two of them. And while that really is thrilling for me, for one split second I actually have the audacity to wonder why they get that and I don’t. There’s a little niggling voice in the back of my head whispering that I could have that, that I did have it, but it isn’t here now and that’s enough to be more than just vaguely depressing.
We arrive later this time than we did the other day, so it is a bit more crowded and the only seating taking a crappy booth on the way to the bathrooms. Mouth and Skills aren’t there yet, so we stand at the bar, deciding that we can probably poach someone else’s table if we wait it out.
“This place is actually so fun,” Peyton again marvels, as if we hadn’t had virtually the same conversation last week when we were here. Luke and I share an amused look before he invites her out to the dance floor, leaving me to sit at the bar by myself. I turn around on the stool, keeping a watch on them and another on the door for Skills and Mouth.
Sighing, I turn back to the bar and order myself a drink. The bartender is a little flirty, to be expected of course, but I just don’t feel like indulging tonight. I am just feeling a little too out of sorts and a lot too sorry for myself to put forth that kind of effort. I shouldn’t be either of those things, and I try to talk myself out of it, but maybe the finality of leaving Tree Hill forever is weighing on me. Or maybe it’s the Nathan thing.
Hmm, one of those things seems likelier than the other.
Sipping the frou-frou umbrella-less umbrella drink Luke had ordered for me, I shake my head at my own melancholy. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to have to worry about going back home to California and being back to the point where I have feelings for Nathan again. While I’m not sorry, not even in the slightest, to have seen Nathan while I was here and find out what he’s been up to, it does hurt to have old feelings stirred up.
Who needs the reminder that you had something special and amazing at sixteen and lost it before eighteen even rolled around? I guess that I don’t.
Maybe that’s what bothers me the most. In some ways, I think it worse to have the old wounds ripped open than it is to realize that I still have some seriously unresolved feelings for Nathan. Okay, not some, all.
Still, it doesn’t really do to dwell on my own shortcomings and/or bits of lunacy.
Really, what am I doing? Before I can come up with any semblance of a decent answer, I spot Skills and Mouth making their way towards me. Thank God, a viable distraction! This is exactly what I need right now, something - or in this case, two someones - to keep my mind off of all things Nathan. I need their goofy banter and good-natured flirting right now. Anything to stop me from dwelling on the past and present propositions.
“Hey!” I greet them cheerfully, resolving that tonight will not be about me and my boatload of problems and issues, but about having fun with my friends. It will be about saying a pretty permanent goodbye to people I care about on a stinking high note for once. “I’m so glad that you guys were up for this tonight!”
“Wouldn’t miss it for anything,” Skills grins, pulling me into a hug. “You’re up and leaving us again. How could we not come out and see you off? Plus, it’s only a matter of time before Luke bails on us, too.”
Rolling his eyes, Mouth pulls him off me and steps up to take his place. “What he means is that Tree Hill isn’t the most exciting of places, so what else would we be doing on a night like this?” he teases.
Skills rolls his eyes at that, but both he and I manage to laugh. “Even if I had a million and two other things to do, I’d still be out here with you guys,” he affirms. Looking around, he tries to spot Luke and Peyton. “Where are they happy lovebirds? They still trying to figure things out?”
“I guess,” I sigh, knowing exactly what he is asking. “Any time now, though, I think. I hope. I maybe have convinced Peyton to have the conversation here, in person, rather than over the phone. Hopefully that stuck.”
“They’re both nervous,” Mouth nods, rolling his eyes a little. “It’s pretty obvious that they both want the same thing. Maybe they’ll cease and desist with the time wasting soon.”
Grinning, I nod my agreement with that. “I think they will. It’ll be soon,” I smile. “It will also be interesting to see what they decide to do.”
Mouth frowns, looking as though he wants to ask about that, but Skills jumps in to point out an open table. “Come on, let’s grab that one. Sitting at the bar isn’t really conducive to having good conversations with friends.”
We take the table, and it’s actually a decent one sort of it in the middle of all the action. As we sit there, people come up to greet Mouth or Skills, and they introduce me, or in some cases reintroduce, to their friends and acquaintances. It’s actually more bearable than I’d have imagined, and it is actually kind of fun to see some of our classmates again. I hadn’t imagined getting a kick out of something like this, so it’s definitely a pleasant surprise.
Peyton and Luke finally make their way over to the table, plopping down onto chairs tiredly. “It is so hot out there,” Peyton laughs, her head falling back in an exaggerated show of her tiredness.
“Peyton, do tell,” Skills begins conversationally, leaning forward with his elbow on the table and his head propped in his hand. “How do you get Lucas Scott, one with a well-documented case of two left feetism, out on the dance floor for such a sustained period of time? I’m beginning to think you’re some kind of witch or something!”
“Oh, yes, I’m a good witch, didn’t you know?” she grins, batting her eyes at Luke who flicks his finger against her shoulder. “Ow, I hate it when you do that.”
Mouth raises an eyebrow at that. “So, there’s a lot of flicking between you two, huh?” he teases, earning eye rolls from both of them. “Dirty!”
Skills groans, thumping Mouth on the back. “Boy, you have got to get some better material! That’s just not even…man, I can’t believe you’re the one I’m stuck with here.”
“Oh, don’t pretend that I’m not your favorite,” Mouth banters back good-naturedly, reaching out to pinch Skills’ cheek.
“You two are quite the pair,” Peyton grins, smirking at me a little bit. She reaches out, grabbing Luke’s hand off the table, winding their fingers together. “You three losers need dates. It’d be way more fun if we were all out there dancing.”
Skills rolls his eyes, echoing the sentiment that I’m feeling. “You know, not everyone needs a significant other to validate themselves, Skinny Girl. Some of us are confident in who we are, and don’t need anyone else patting us on the head and - and…help me out, McFadden!”
Mouth shrugs as he tries to get the attention of the waitress walking past us. “Yeah, we have confidence, woo.”
“Wow, that was convincing,” I note blandly, smirking at Peyton. “Anyway, I’ll take up your cause, Skills. Some of us are perfectly happy living our lives for ourselves and not some boyfriend or girlfriend. We’re capable of being happy on our relative own, because we have such charming, lovely friends to fall back on. So…there.”
“Gee, great, strong statement, ending on a childish fallback,” Skills complains at me, throwing his hands up in the air. “You’re worse than Mouth! Next thing you’ll say is some crap like ‘I’m rubber…’. I can’t take it.”
I squeak out a laugh, trying to glare at him but eventually giving it up as a bad try. “You are just as much of a brat as you ever were,” I insist to him.
Giving me a mocking bow, he smiles brightly at all of us. “I do try, Miss James. I do indeed try. Anyway, let’s go dance. C’mon, Hales, get up off that little behind of yours, and come demonstrate those California girl moves of yours!”
“Didn’t she already show you her moves sufficiently last time we were here?” Mouth points out, prompting me to lean over and kiss him on the cheek.
“Must tick you off, Skills,” Luke begins conversationally, shooting the smuggest look he can manage - that looks hilariously forced, “That Mouth, who has no interest in the ladies, still does better with them than you can ever do.”
“Oh, ha ha,” Skills growls at him, flipping an obscene hand gesture Luke’s way. Peyton giggles at the scene while Mouth and I just roll our eyes at each other.
Standing up, I tug on Skills’ collar. “Come on, dawg!” Grinning, I pull on him again, saying, “If you want a dance, let’s go now before it gets much more packed in here. You can barely walk as it is.” Motioning at the rest of them, I ask, “Well, are you guys coming?”
We all dance around, some more goofily (Luke and Mouth, mainly, and Skills and Peyton to mock them) than others, and just generally have a good time. Eventually, it is just Skills and I out there for a few songs, and when we stagger laughingly back to the table, Peyton and Luke are standing up. Peyt pulls me outside to the deck, grinning slightly giddily, which is rare for her, to say the least.
“What’s up?” I ask, slightly distracted by the long curls trying to overtake my face. Why do I always forget rubber bands at the times I need them most? I swear.
“Hello, Earth to Haley, come in, Haley,” Peyton sighs, snapping her fingers in front of my face. “Quit spacing out, you goofball.”
With a mock frown, I laugh, “Can’t you see I was in the middle of a good mental ramble? I don’t know why you always have to go and ruin that for me!”
Shaking her head, she deigns to give me an indulgent smile. “Because, my friend, you would walk around with your head in the clouds all the time if it weren’t for me bringing you back to reality. Honestly, how you made it through all crazy, perfect grades, I’ll never know.”
“No, you won’t,” I agree, earning a playful shove from her. “So, what’s up? Why’d you drag me off like that?”
“I think this is it!” she tells me in a rather excited stage whisper. At my blank look, she huffs in exasperation. “Luke and I are going to take off, take a drive and have a talk. The talk, I think. I hope.”
Throwing my arms around her, I hug her tight. “Oh, I’m so glad, Peyt! You guys go do whatever it is you have to and figure things out, okay?”
She glances around, sighing a little. “What about you? Will you be okay to get a ride with the boys?”
“Of course,” I agree easily, not going to let her make me the reason they don’t have the talk. “If that doesn’t pan out, these shoes can easily make it back to the house. Don’t even worry about me for a second, okay? Just focus on you and Luke and all the great things that are coming for you both!”
“Okay,” she nods, taking a deep breath. “Okay, I can do this. Yes, I can, definitely I can do this. Well, I probably can.”
“Of course you can,” I say again, like it is the easiest thing in the world. Just because I want to be a coward and take the easy way when I can doesn’t mean that I don’t want more for her. Because I really, really want more for her. I want so much more for her. “Good luck. Negotiate for LA, but don’t let it be a deal breaker.”
She laughs a little at that, pulling something of a sad smile as she quietly regards me. “I’ll do my best for LA,” she promises quietly.
I nod in return, giving her a small smile. There’s really nothing else I can say.
~*~
“Then there were two, huh?” Skills quips awhile later, grinning at me. “Want to get out of here? I’ll walk you back to Peyton’s house since Mouth drove me here.”
“Well, if I had to be ditched, at least they left me with some company, right?” I smile, grabbing my purse. “Yes, by the way, I do want to get out of here. This place is a lot duller when you don’t have a group of friends to hang out with, you know?”
He nods as he grabs his jacket off the back of his chair. “I’m definitely not used to going out without Mouth,” he admits with a wry smile. “Guess he’s kind of my wing man.”
Fighting a smile, I pat him on the shoulder. “I miss Peyton, too,” I grin at him, laughing when he rolls his eyes. “What? It’s okay to get used to having things a certain way.”
Skills doesn’t respond to that as we cross the crowded dance floor. Once we’re outside, I breathe deep of the cool, sweet air, trying not to let it bother me that this is like the last time I’ll ever smell it. It shouldn’t bother me; after all, the Tree Hill portion of my life is truly over and done. So what difference does it make now? None of this should matter bother me anymore.
“Let’s walk the long way through town,” I suggest quietly. “If Luke and Peyt went back to the house, I don’t really want to interrupt.”
He nods his agreement. “They deserve to have that conversation privately, I suppose. You think they’re doing okay with it?”
Glancing up at him, I nod. “Of course they are. This is so important to both of them that I actually have complete faith that they can get through it without screwing things up royally. For once.”
“Did Luke ever tell you how much he regrets going to a different school from her? He said that he was always sorry he didn’t try harder to work it out so they were closer. Or even chase her down.”
“No,” I admit, a little surprised. Luke and Peyton had both always seemed so confident and content with their handling of things, including the distance, that I never would’ve imagined Luke would have regrets - pretty serious ones, even - like that. “I know Peyton questioned it a few times, but never like that. And Luke certainly never alluded to that. I’m surprised. Definitely surprised. Actually, that gives me a little selfish hope,” I admit quietly.
He nods, not appearing too surprised that Luke hadn’t mentioned any of this to me. “I think that he really wanted to keep you out of the middle while they worked things out. Peyton needed you more than he did, and he was willing to give her that and it was okay with him.”
“Wow,” I murmur stupidly, not having a better response. “Luke’s a lot cooler than you remember until you get a reminder like that. I needed Peyton just as much as she needed me.”
Skills snickers at that. “He’s an alright guy, definitely one of the best I know. I just wish he’d be that stand up towards Nathan for a change. Bro could use it.”
I look over at him, ready to reprimand him for bringing Nathan up, but he just gives me such an arch look that I roll my eyes, giving in and looking away. He pokes me on the shoulder and I sigh, glancing back his way. “What? What am I supposed to say, Skills?”
He shrugs. “I don’t care, just say something true.”
“Something true? Okay, this is my last night in Tree Hill. I’m never coming back, and I’ll never see Nathan again. I’m not a part of his life, and he is not a part of mine. That’s a true statement.” Folding my arms across my chest, I have to fight back the urge to glare at him. “I don’t even know why you’re bringing this up.”
“Oh, calm down,” he scowls at me, shaking his head. “If you weren’t so ridiculously defensive, maybe I’d believe that BS of yours. No offense, but you are not a very good actress.”
“Unbelievable,” I mutter. “I hadn’t seen him for five years. I hadn’t even wanted to for four! You can think what you want, but Nathan and I are through. You don’t have to believe that, I guess, but it’s what I believe. At the end of the day, I suppose that is what actually counts.”
He stops walking and I take a few more steps before reluctantly stopping and turning to face him. “You still love him.” It isn’t a question, but to his credit, it doesn’t come off like an accusation, either. “You can say it, Hales. I won’t tell anyone.”
My mouth falls open of its own volition, and it takes me a second to realize that and snap it shut. “There’s nothing to tell, Skills. I don’t love Nathan. Shoot, I barely know the guy now, and maybe…maybe I never did know him at all. Look at how things went. I don’t think we knew ourselves, let alone one another.”
“That’s a whole bunch of crap,” he snorts indelicately. “If you felt that way, if you really thought that, then why’d you hunt him down at the beach house? If you need to lie to yourself, fine, but leave me out of it.”
“Nice, very nice,” I sigh, knowing that I am probably pouting a little. “What do you want from me anyway? Okay, fine, yeah, I went to see him. He showed up at Peyt’s in the middle of the night and said a bunch of things that piqued my curiosity. Sue me! Luke wouldn’t tell me the story, so I went to the source. Maybe I made a mistake.”
“You don’t really think it was mistake, and we both know that,” Skills suggests softly. He holds up his hands before I can protest. “I honestly think that you are the only person who ever loved him unconditionally. He never got that from his parents, and even Luke had a limit to how much shit he’d take. Maybe he didn’t know what to do with that, and maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to believe the worst when you went on tour with that douche. He had no frame of reference.”
I sigh, glancing away. “It doesn’t matter. It’s been five years since we even spoke until this week, and there is nothing there. Honestly, coming back here just crystallized in my mind how good it is that I’ve moved on,” I say as strongly and assertively as I can muster.
He isn’t buying it; I can tell that by the way he raises an eyebrow at me. “If all that is true, then why’d you react to Nathan like he’d done gone and got the plague?”
“Maybe moving on doesn’t necessarily make it easier to face your worst moments,” I retort bitterly. “Maybe it’s never easy to come back to the scene of your biggest humiliations and worst heartbreaks. And maybe I’ve never gotten over those feelings, but I have no desire to work through them here! Why are you pushing this, anyway?”
“Nathan needs you,” he states bluntly. “He’s my friend, he’s hurting, and I know how much you could help him, Haley. Don’t turn your back on him now just to be spiteful.”
“I’m spiteful?” I ask as I try to ignore how good the fresh North Carolina air feels, more than a little wounded by his comment. “Just because I wouldn’t dream of going down the same dead end road again, it does not make me spiteful. So forgive me my disinterest in pandering to a nostalgic ex-husband.”
Skills stares at me, huffing in exasperation. “That’s pretty unforgiving, Hales,” he chides me. “He made mistakes, but so did you! You made mistakes, too.”
“But I didn’t set out to hurt or punish him! What I did, leaving, yeah, okay that was selfish. I know that, Nathan knows that, the whole freaking world knows it!” I sigh, tipping my head to the side as I regard him. “Skills, I know I messed up. I messed up and I’ve been punished for it. I don’t think that I deserve to be punished any longer for things that happened five years ago.”
“Well, neither does Nathan!”
I fall silent at that, stiffening at the implication. “I didn’t realize that he was being punished by anyone. I also did not realize that that would somehow be my problem since he is, after all, my ex-husband. He did divorce me, after all.”
He quirks an eyebrow up at me. “You and Luke have punished him more than anyone else has. Don’t you think that you owe him in a chance now? He has busted his ass to get his life back to some semblance of normalcy. You could at least hear him out, Hales. What harm is that going to do anyone?”
Uh, it might only break my heart again, but no big deal that, apparently. Oh, and you know, derail any and all progress I’ve made in putting this part of my life behind me. Not that I can say any of this to Skills, of course. “I’ve seen him. I have talked to him a couple of occasions. I’ve even heard him out. What more do you want from me?”
“Why won’t you give him a little more than that?” he pushes, sighing when I groan in frustration. “I’m serious, Haley. I know that doesn’t happen very often, but I am about this. He’s changed, and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like he is crap on the bottom of your shoe.”
“When?” I demand angrily, “When have I done that? Don’t put this off on me, Skills! He ordered me out of his life, and after months of resisting and begging and pleading and generally degrading myself, I gave him what he wanted. There are no do-overs here. He can’t just take it back now because he’s unhappy with other things in his life. I can’t change the fact that I’ve moved on with my life. I don’t want to change that, either.” I’m fairly shouting now, so I pause to take a deep breath and calm myself down. “Look, I appreciate that you’re trying to be a good friend to Nathan, but I can’t help you. I also don’t really care for being made to feel guilty for things I didn’t even do wrong. I don’t deserve that.”
His face falls, and I can tell that I’ve succeeded (without really trying) in making him feel guilty. “I’m sorry, Hales. I get that you think I’m just sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, but I really want to do right by all three of you. There is no getting through to Luke right now, but I had hoped you’d at least be reasonable about things.”
“I’m not trying to be unreasonable,” I start to explain, feeling a tiny bit more patient now, “But Skills, I can’t. I can’t put myself into the situation you’re asking me to put myself into.”
“Yeah, okay, I know,” he sighs in agreement. “I’m sorry. It just didn’t seem like you’ve really moved on, you know? No serious relationships, no overly excited and effusive verbal tributes to the City of Angels. You just don’t seem…completely happy.”
Wow, talk about your standard application of brutal honesty. “I’m hardly miserable. Maybe I’m not in a relationship, but I have a lot of good things going for me out there. I’m not unhappy.”
That was the truth, too. I am not unhappy with life in Los Angeles, but all the same…was I really happy? I guess there is nothing to say that you have to be one or the other, so do I fall into some weird no-man’s land vacuum of emotional ‘in the middle’?
“I’m glad you aren’t unhappy,” he grins at me, breaking me out of that rather maudlin line of thoughts. “I hope you know that I wasn’t sitting around wishing misery on you all this time, just to hook you back up with Nathan.”
“Look, I can’t say for sure what Nathan wants or what is best for him, but I do know it isn’t me. Trying to reconnect with him isn’t him moving forward; it’s him taking about a zillion and one steps backward. Don’t let him regress, okay? I know that he’s been through a lot, more than he ever should have, but he can’t just jump back because it would make things simpler. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“Aw, hell, Hales! He knows that,” Skills complains. “I swear, he knows that.”
Shifting uncomfortably, I glance over at him. “Do the two of you spend a lot of time talking about this? About me? It’s a little weird if you did; I’m not going to lie.”
“Just cut him a little slack, yeah? He’s a bit slow on the uptake, you know? But no, we don’t talk about you all the time,” he snickers. “In fact, not much at all. Just enough for me to discern that you are very important to him and that’s not something that will go away anytime soon.”
I sigh, giving him a rueful smile. “It’s probably just a phase, right? There is nothing special about me to get all hung up on, so I’m sure he’ll get past this sooner rather than later.”
Skills loops an arm over my shoulders, hugging me to his side. “You’re a million things special, girl. I ain’t even trying to lie about that, either.”
“Well, thanks,” I smile, leaning my head on his shoulder. “I don’t know how right you are, but it’s still nice of you to say, Skills.”
“You need to learn to take a compliment gracefully,” he full out laughs. “Besides, it really is true, and I’m not even close to being the only one to thinks so either. You, my friend, are truly freaking awesome, and if it wouldn’t wreck several friendships, I’d put the moves on you right now myself.”
I roll my eyes, playfully elbowing him in the side. “I’m glad for Nathan. That he has a friend like you, I mean. He’s very lucky.”
“I doubt he would agree with you, but thanks anyway,” he grins. “Seriously, though, he’s a pretty good guy. I know he hurt you, but…”
“He didn’t hurt me,” I interrupt heatedly. “He broke my heart. There’s a bit of a difference there, don’t you think?
“Yeah, I suppose so,” he agrees blandly.
“We aren’t teenagers anymore,” I go on, almost unaware of him now as I talk myself through this. “There’s just nothing there for us anymore. Nathan thinks that reclaiming what he had in high school will erase what happened, the things he’s lost. It doesn’t work like that, though. You know what I mean?”
Skills looks at me in amusement. “That’s fairly presumptuous, don’t you think? C’mon, Hales! You could give him a tiny bit of credit here. It’s pretty safe to say that he knows that ain’t nothing taking that crap away. It happened, he’s dealing with it, and that has nothing to do with how he feels about you.”
I shrug, lifting my head from his shoulder. “Well, still, my point remains the same. There is no going back. You can’t recapture the past on a whim.” Sighing, I glance around, surprised to see the river court across the street. “It’s weird to be here,” I whisper almost reverently. “We must’ve spent half our waking hours here as children. I watched you boys play for hours on end some days.”
“’Til it was dark,” he laughs. “It hasn’t changed much, either. You would think that, at some point, it would start looking a little different. Guess now isn’t that point, eh?”
“Guess not,” I agree, staring at the empty court. For once, I think I can see it for what it is: a basketball court, a child’s playground. It isn’t the place where multiple defining moments in my life occurred or where our dreams lived and died. Well, fine, it isn’t just that place anymore. “It’s just an empty basketball court.”
He drops his arm from around my shoulders, regarding me curiously. “Nathan said he always blamed this place for all his troubles. It’s weird to hear you say basically the same thing that he’s been saying since he got back. He realized this is just a place.”
I smile tightly at him, giving the court one last long look. “So much happened here, for all of us. I can understand why it would be some kind of symbol of his troubles, past and present, for Nathan.”
“And for you, too?”
“I saw him here once, not long after I agreed to the divorce. He was making out with Brooke Davis in our stupid old crap car. I still had some hope then, but that pretty much took care of that.”
“I never knew that,” Skills admits quietly, surprise written all over his face.
I laugh wryly. “Well, it wasn’t really something that I wanted to advertise, you know? It sure made applying for out of state schools easier, though. Way more appealing.”
“Go figure,” he mutters softly, starting to walk again. I fall into step beside him, staring straight ahead as I resist the urge to look back at that court of foolish dreams and lost hopes. It bothers me that things that aren’t supposed to bother me do. “I didn’t know, though. Honest, Hales, I wouldn’t have pushed you like this if I had.”
“Probably? It’s okay, don’t even worry about it,” I assure him, and I guess it is. “I get where you are coming from, and I admire that you want to help your friend. It’s just that I can’t help.”
“I just feel bad for him, you know? Like the things that happened to him were so crappy that the guy just deserves a break for a change.” Skills sighs, “Even though I’m not the support system he wants or really needs, I figured I could help some.”
I smile, leaning my head against his shoulder. “You’re pretty awesome, you know that?”
He laughs. “Well, I certainly try.”
Yeah, I do know all about trying. I know that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it isn’t enough. And I know that sometimes, you have to stop trying and let things go.
~*~
“You know, there are universities here with great medical schools,” Karen tells me as she pulls me in for another hug. “I mean it, Haley, you should consider coming home. It would be so wonderful to have you back here, especially now that my son has decided to forsake me.”
“Mom,” Luke groans, sounding a little whiney. I almost can’t blame him, though. Karen has been giving him a lot of grief. “Come on, don’t make us feel so guilty for living our eyes. That’s really not fair.”
Karen sighs, giving him a watery smile. “I know. I know that I’m being awful about this, but I just miss you all so much. It’s very hard with you all being away now. I miss you, honey, and as a parent, that is my right.”
I smirk at Luke, noting that Peyt is doing the same. Luke is beat, and he knows it. Karen rarely plays the parent card, so when she does, Luke generally backs off. He sighs, leaning against the counter. “I know, I know, Mom. We talked about this.”
“We’ll all miss you, Karen,” I chime in tentatively, my arm still around her waist. “Leaving you here and knowing I won’t see you, aside from special occasions, is far and away the worst part of leaving Tree Hill. I always miss you.”
Karen hugs me tightly again. “Really, though, Haley,” she begins, turning back towards me, “If you decided to come back here for school, I have extra room. I’d be thrilled to have you here with me.”
I laugh, but Luke just huffs in exasperation. “Mom, leave her alone. She likes it out there, let that be enough for all of us, yeah?”
“Of course it is,” Karen smiles, looking a little tight around the mouth. “I’m just putting the offer out there. She should know all of her options.” She starts to force another smile, and it strikes me that something is really upsetting her. When she reaches up to wipe a tear away, Luke and I share a concerned look. “Well, that’s really all I wanted to say. I just thought that you should know before you left.”
“Well, thank you,” I hesitantly offer, not sure what else to do with her acting so oddly. “It’s good to know I always have a place to go if I need it.”
“Oh, thank God you told them, Karen,” Deb says as she notices the tears on Karen’s cheeks, coming out of the kitchen carrying a batch of muffins. “I was beginning to think you’d let them all leave for California without telling them that you’re sick. That would’ve been such a mistake. I know that cancer is scary, but we’re already working on beating it.”
Oh. My. God. What? “What?” Luke whispers, echoing all of our thoughts. “Mom, what - Mom?”
Deb’s mouth opens and closes as Karen - and the rest of us - stares at her in horror. “You didn’t - oh, Kar, I - I didn’t - I thought you’d told them. Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s - it’s okay,” Karen murmurs faintly, staring at Luke.
“Mom, what is going on? Is this some weird sort of joke?” he sputters. Peyton grasps his arm, her helpless eyes looking to me for direction. Too bad I’m at a complete loss, too. “Mom?”
Karen’s eyes cast downward as she avoids our shocked faces. “I - I have breast cancer,” she whispers her admission.
And the world, it crashes down around us.