'Approaching Normal' - Chapter Eleven
A/N: Hey all! I know that all I do is apologize for the lengthy delays, but such is life. Anyway, here is another chapter and I'll be sending another to Becky for editing today, so hopefully the wait won't be so great next time. Let me know what you think!
Chapter Eleven - Goings On
‘When you’ve got nothing, you have nothing to lose.’
Despite my best efforts to live my life as normally as possibly, nothing magically falls back into place once my plane touches down in LA. Even as the week drags by, nothing even remotely begins to feel normal again. I go to work, I fill out the financial aid paperwork I need to finish up by the end of the week, and I sleep. Without Peyton here - and having the reason for Peyton’s absence at the forefront of my mind, I become an antisocial hag. And it hasn’t even been a week.
At least Chelsea’s graduation party has finally rolled around; her graduation ceremony has been the only other bright spot since I got back. Not only is it a way to get my mind off of things, but it’ll be nice to have some human contact besides pervy older men who can’t just leave their tips on the table, but try to slide them into a pocket. Or a bra cup.
My cell phone starts ringing, but I don’t have the energy to pick it up right now. I’ve already talked to Peyton, Luke, and Karen at least six times each the last week, and Deb three times, too. Guilt sets in after the second ring, but I still manage to ignore it. I just want to have today be a good day, and not have to worry about anything other than Chelsea and her accomplishments. That’s what today is about, and that’s okay.
Realizing how horrible it is to ignore the phone when it could be news about Karen, I practically trip over my coffee table trying to get to it. “Damn it,” I mutter aloud, rolling my eyes when I see the missed call is just some unlisted number, “Probably not even trying to reach me.”
I stare at the phone for a minute longer, half hoping it will flash that I have a message, but whoever called doesn’t leave one. Sighing, I drop the phone into my purse and head for my tiny bedroom, suddenly feeling the urge to change before I head over to Chelsea’s graduation party. Instead of going in the jeans and t-shirt that I have on, I decide to make an effort and pull out a white sundress with silly polka dots that Chelsea and Peyton had talked me into a few months ago. Putting it on, I realize that it is having the desired effect; I can feel my mood improve, if only a small amount.
Glancing in the mirror, for the hundredth time this week I nearly stop short. The day after I got back here, I made an appointment at a funky little salon down the street and had them dye and cut my hair. Everything else was changing around me, and some weird part of me felt like my appearance needed to keep up with that, I guess. So now my hair is shoulder length and a dark chocolate brown.
Somehow, despite the change being made in something of a childish, impetuous manner, I think the overall effect is that I look way more adult now. Of course, I have yet to decide whether or not that is a good thing. A glance at the clock has me scurrying into a pair of flats and grabbing a sweater before darting out to grab my purse off the couch and head out the door, pausing only to grab Chelsea’s present.
I managed to track down a first edition, first publishing copy of her favorite book, ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’, a couple of months ago. It cost way more than was within my budget, but Peyton chipped in some and I begged the rest out of my parents. Jimmy and Lydia definitely have a bit of a guilt complex when it comes to me; they weren’t there during the divorce or the aftermath of that, and they go out of their way to make it up to me when they can.
Stepping out into the sun, I slip the wrapped book into my bag as I walk towards the bus stop just down the street from my building. I squint against the bright light, groaning in frustration as I realize the bus - the damn one that I need - is pulling back out into traffic. Swearing under my breath, I’m just about to turn around and go back in the apartment for a few minutes when I see something - someone - that catches my eye.
“No, no way, no, no, no, he is not here,” I mutter aloud, probably sounding like a complete psychopath. What is he doing here? Why is he all of a sudden good for his word? He said that he’d be here, but I didn’t believe him because why would I? Why would I think for a second that he’d actually get on a plane and track me down at my apartment? There he is. Oh, my goodness, there he is. He is standing there, leaning against his rented convertible, looking like he doesn’t have a care in the world.
I freeze for a minute, unsure what I want to do. Should I run back into the apartment and lock myself inside? Should I run for the bus stop and just hope that he doesn’t notice me? Do I go over and confront him? Oddly enough, that makes me madder than anything.
Deciding that I don’t want to deal with him, I spin around and hurry towards the bus stop. It’s the lame way out, and it certainly does not solve anything, but for a second, it feels like the right thing to do. Like a complete idiot, I stop short a few steps later at the realization that if I don’t do something about this now, I’ll spend the entire day obsessing about it.
Before I can change my mind, I hurry across the street intent on confronting him. He doesn’t get to interrupt my life, so why am I letting him? He doesn’t notice me as I approach which only serves to infuriate me further.
“Nathan Royal Scott, what the hell are you doing here?” I yell, stomping up to get in his face. “Go home! You go to the airport, get on a plane, and go anywhere but here!”
“Wow, your hair - it’s so different. Gorgeous, obviously, but different,” he smiles with a slightly shy grin that tries to melt my heart. “Besides, you knew I’d be here sooner or later. I told you I was going to show up, didn’t I?”
Incredulous, I stare at him. “No! No, no, no, no, that was just something you said. Like…like saying the sky is blue or SC has a good football team. You don’t…do something about it.”
He smirks at that, unperturbed by my anger. “That doesn’t even make sense, baby. Besides, I told you that I wasn’t going to give up on us. I know what I want, and I’m going to prove to you that it’s worth taking another chance on me. You don’t have to believe that or trust me yet, but you will. I promise you’ll have all the reason in the world to do just that.”
“No!” I insistently declare like a broken record, punctuating this proclamation with a fist to his shoulder. “No, you cannot do this to me, Nathan! My life is enough of a mess as it is, and I don’t really need you here making things ever worse. In fact, you are making me late for a party. Just go. You don’t belong here, Nathan.”
“I think the more pressing point is that you don’t belong here,” he quietly rebuts, opening the car door and motioning for me to climb in. “Come on, I’ll drive you to your party. You can point out the interesting sights for me, right?”
“I don’t want to ride with you,” I counter petulantly. “I’m going to take the bus, celebrate Chelsea’s graduation, and when I come home, it will be to a blissfully ex-husband free neighborhood.”
He sighs, reaching out and grabbing my hand. “Please. Look, Hales, just let me drive you out there. Come on, baby, I came all this way for you. Can’t you at least give me this much?”
Why does he have to do this to me? Yeah, okay, my life sucked before I spotted him leaning against the car, but why does he have to make things even more complicated? “Nathan, this party is very important to me, and extremely important to several people that I care about a lot. Please just - just don’t do this. Don’t do this to me, Nathan!”
Squeezing my hand, he gives me a hopeful smile. “I’m not doing anything to you,” he tries to explain, but let’s face it - I’m too gone right now to hear and understand much of anything. “Haley, I know, okay? I know that you shouldn’t believe anything I say because I hurt you so bad. But…you hurt me, too, but I realized that that’s not what is important. The good things - and there were so many good things, Hales - are what is important. I want to have the good things again. Is that so wrong?”
“No,” I respond faintly, closing my eyes briefly against the pull of emotion tugging me towards him. “No, of course not. But Nathan, you can have good things again, but they won’t be the same good things. You don’t get to snap your fingers and get things back to what they once were. It doesn’t work like that, and to be perfectly frank, you don’t really have a right to expect that they will.”
“Get in the car,” he sighs, his look imploring. “Please just get in, I’ll drive you out there, and we can talk a little. I just want you to give me a chance. Just a chance, I’m not asking for more than that.”
“Fine,” I snap, shoving his hand away when he tries to help me into the car. “Don’t touch me, Nathan. I mean it. I am so not in the mood for dealing with this, but you obviously aren’t going away now! You know, Nathan - “ I cut myself off, glaring at him as I pull the door shut. He has to jerk his hand out of the way to avoid his fingers getting smashed. I almost feel a little bad, but I’m so pissed at him that it is easy to let that feeling pass.
He gets in the car, casting a wary glance my way. Good, that serves him right. He’s so - so presumptuous, showing up here, expecting things from me. “I know you’re pissed at me,” he sighs, glancing my way. Is he dumb? “I know that I hurt you and that I’m dredging up feelings you’d prefer to pretend never existed.” Okay, maybe a little more astute than I give him credit for. “You’re scared. You’re terrified because you know that if you opened your heart up to me even a teeny, tiny bit, you’d love me every bit as much as you ever did. More, even. That freaks you out, admit it.”
Refusing to look his way, I grit my teeth and shake my head as I stare mulishly out the car window. “You’re as clueless as ever,” I bite out angrily. “You don’t get to assume you know me, know what I think or feel. You pompous jerk, you have no right to do any of this! You can’t ask this of me, Nathan! I don’t even understand why you’re doing this to me.”
“I’m not doing it to you, Hales,” he sighs, a pained expression on his face. “I’m doing this for us.” He’s crazy. He has to be, there is no other explanation for this. And crap, insanity runs in his family, too! “Stop. Calm down, whatever you are thinking, just stop. I’m not crazy, I’m not here to torture you, and I don’t have some weird plan or scheme. I’m just here because I think - I know - that there is still something between us, and I can’t let that go. I don’t want to let that go.”
“You aren’t the only one with a say in this, Nathan! It affects me, too, just a little bit,” I remind him quietly, still sarcastic despite overwhelming feelings of tiredness and almost emptiness. “Don’t you see how much you’re asking of me? You want me to turn over everything to you, but you’ve already had everything from me once. If it wasn’t good enough for you then, why would I believe it was now?”
“That isn’t fair,” he rebuts softly, his voice tinged with hurt and exasperation. “That’s not fair, and you know it. What happened then was the result of several different things, but none of them were your worth. And you damn well know that, too!”
I shake my head, not daring to glance his way still. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I say listlessly in response. “We aren’t together, and there’s no point in bringing up the past. There is just no point in any of this, Nathan.” I pause, finally forcing myself to look his way. “Maybe you should just let me out here. I don’t think it is a good idea for us to spend anymore time together.”
He, quite predictably, does not pull the car over. “Don’t act like there is nothing here, Hales, not when we both know otherwise. You feel it, every bit as acutely as I do, so why deny it? Why pretend like it doesn’t exist?”
“You’re making assumptions that just aren’t true. I don’t feel anything for you, Nathan. You need to accept that and move on. Just leave me alone.”
His face falls for a second in that same heart-breaking way it used to when he was reminded of how awful Dan was or how negligent Deb could be, but I can literally see the resolve wash over his face after that. In spite of myself, I really hate causing him pain, but I don’t know how else to get through to him. I don’t have an obligation to Nathan anymore, but a part of me still feels like it is my responsibility to take care of him when that is very far from the case.
And yes, I’m trying desperately to ignore the nagging voice inside my head (the one that sounds suspiciously like Peyton) that is reminding me that loving him denotes some type of obligation, most likely of the above and beyond variety. God, I’m going crazy.
“I don’t expect you to run off to Vegas with me tonight,” he begins earnestly, his gaze focused on the road as we drive or maybe the palm trees lining the concrete street. “I’m just asking for a chance. Just…give me a week, Hales. Let me stay with you for one week, and we can just see how it goes.”
I gape at him incredulously. “You - you want to stay in my apartment? With me? Oh, this is not happening, there is no way you would have the nerve to ask me that.”
He glances my way, smiling in a rueful way that seems to melt away the years between us. “It isn’t nerve, baby; it’s sheer desperation.”
It takes a second for that to sink in, and when it does, I start laughing. I don’t know why, but it suddenly strikes me as funny that we’re both experiencing a predominant feeling of desperation at the moment. He blinks in surprise, but after a few second, he joins in with the laughing.
“I guess we’re both pathetically desperate then,” he laughs, glancing sideways at me with a big smile. There’s something in me that can’t resist grinning back at him. “I know you think I’m a jerk for pushing this, and hey, maybe I am, but I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t pursue this. Give me a week, Haley. Just one week, and if it doesn’t work out the way I think it will, I’ll go without argument and you’ll never hear from me again.”
Oh, heck, I’m going crazy, but… “Okay.”
Oddly enough, I think that my answer stuns both of us to an equal degree. I know it has left me feeling as though I’ve been knocked upside the head, and Nathan looks about as shocked as I feel.
He stares ahead at the road, his slightly dazed look slowly being replaced by a wide smile. “Okay,” he nods slowly, glancing over at me. “That’s okay then. That’s really good, Hales.”
Damn, his smile still does that thing that makes me want to squirm nervously like my sixteen year old self always did. That could really be a problem, not compounded just a little bit by the fact that he is going to be in very close proximity to me for the next week. As Chelsea would say, this is a total Scooby Doo ‘zoinks’ moment.
“Yeah, good,” I echo quietly, lifting a hand to indicate he should turn at the next light. We’re almost to Chelsea’s grandmother’s house, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when we get there. I can’t just bring Nathan in there with me; that’d be awkward at best and would only lead to a million different questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer at this time. At worst, Chelsea alone would pepper me with questions all night, and I don’t want to lie to her about this.
But I don’t want to explain this situation, either. It’s a complicated, difficult situation that I feel intensely private about and can barely discuss with my closest friends and family. That’s not to take away from my relationship with her at all, but I just can’t talk about this with everyone. I don’t even like to acknowledge my failed teenage marriage to myself some days. Besides, explaining that Nathan is my ex-husband would not be a short or easy conversation, and definitely not in keeping with the celebration mood of the party.
Biting my lip nervously, I try to think of a way to tell him that he’s not invited to come in with me tonight. I don’t want to be rude, and I don’t want to ditch him in an unfamiliar city. It’s a little tempting to blow off the party, but I can’t do that to Chelsea or myself. Glancing his way, I sigh. “I can’t bring you to this party tonight, Nathan. It’s sort of a family and friends thing, you know?”
He grins, nodding good-naturedly. “That’s fine, Hales. I kind of figured it was invitation only. I know you won’t be able to spend every single second of the next week with me. I respect that you have a life and things to do.”
“Oh, okay, thanks,” I nod, nonplussed at his maturity. That? I had not expected. I need to change my tact here because underestimating him continually is not going to help matters. “I can give you the key to my apartment so you can go back there. I guess that’s not very exciting, though.”
“That’s fine, Hales,” he smiles warmly, obviously pleased with the offer. “I don’t mind waiting at your place. I’m not here to do anything other than see you, so that’s good.” He pauses as I point him to another turn before looking back at me. “I could also wait at a coffee shop or diner and then give you a ride home whenever the party is over.”
I shrug, unsure if I’m that ready to jump into things with him right now. This is all happening so fast that I almost feel dizzy. I need a little time and space before getting into things with him just so I can breathe. “I can take the bus, Nathan. Really, that’s how I always get around, so it’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t know how long this will last, you know? Oh, this is it.”
He pulls the car to a stop in front of the house I indicated. Unfortunately, there stands Chelsea and Maria, one of her best friends. Crap, crap, crap. They spot us immediately, of course, and make their way over. “Damn it,” I sigh, digging through my purse for my apartment key.
“Aw, come on, I’m not that terrible to be seen with, am I?” he jokes, tapping his fingers over the back of my hand. “Hey, Hales, don’t worry. I won’t say anything. I’ll keep my mouth shut, baby. They’ll barely know I’m here.”
“It’s not - no one knows, Nathan. No one here knows that I was married and divorced before I graduated from high school, and tonight is so not the night I’d like them to find that out.”
“That’s fine. Like I said, I won’t say a word,” he promises again as Chels and Maria tap on my window. “Here, just give me your keys and I’ll go. Say I’m a hired driver or something.”
I roll my eyes, but give him a small, grateful smile. “Thanks, Nathan. I’ll see you back at the apartment. Just…I don’t know, stay out of my underwear drawer.”
He laughs, reaching over to pluck the keys out of my grasp. “I can’t make any promises. Go, they’re actually pressing their faces against the window.”
I laugh too as I push the door open. “What is wrong with you two?” I scold the girls even as I wrap Chels in a tight hug. “Congratulations, you two!”
Before I can nudge the car door shut behind me, Maria is sliding into my recently vacated seat, smiling at a very surprised Nathan. If the situation wasn’t so what I did not want it to be, I’d probably laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. “Maria, get out of that car!”
“Hi, I’m Maria, and that’s Chelsea. You clearly already know Haley.” Nathan glances up at me, nodding once to her question when I shrug dumbly. “This is the part where you tell us who you are.”
“This,” I interrupt irritably, “Is the part where you get out of my…friend’s car. Come on, Mar, he’s got somewhere to go!”
“You can come to the party,” Chelsea oh-so-helpfully invites. “After all, any friend of Haley’s is a friend of mine!”
Nathan nods up at her, offering a small smile. “Actually, Hales is right; I’ve got to run. Meeting with my parole officer, you know.” He throws a wink my way. “You girls have a nice party. Congratulations on escaping high school.”
Both girls protest, trying to insist that he stay, but I manage to drag Maria out of the car and get both of them back so he can drive off. “Thanks for the ride. I - I’ll see you later.”
He holds my gaze for a few seconds before offering me a grin. “Anytime. Ladies.”
“Wow,” Chelsea breathes out as he pulls the car away from the curb. “Who was that? He called you ‘Hales’! And he is way hot, too. How do you know him?”
I roll my eyes. “He’s a friend. It’s no big deal, and even if it were, it wouldn’t be any of your business. Come on, isn’t there a party going on here?”
Maria lets it go, bouncing over to meet a friend who was being dropped off. Chelsea, on the other hand, pins me with a knowing stare. “He called you ‘Hales’,” she says again, as if that has all the meaning in the world. “Your cheer friends don’t even call you that. Plus, he has a tiny bit of an accent. Is he someone you know from home? Did you bring a boy back with you?”
“Chels, this is your party! Isn’t there more fun to be had than quizzing me? Here, open your present,” I offer, holding out the brightly wrapped package. “I want to see if you love it as much as I think you will.”
“My grandmother would kill me if I opened it now,” she smiles dismissively. “Besides, I want to hear all about Mr. Sexy. That is a way better present than any that fits in a package.”
There is no way out of this. She isn’t going to let it go without some kind of explanation, and I can’t really make up some story on the fly to feed her. “He’s just someone I know from Tree Hill. Luke’s half brother, actually.”
Her eyebrows shoot up at that; this clearly wasn’t the information she was expecting. “What? Since when does Luke have a brother? If Luke has a brother that hot, he should be in every single picture you have. But since I’ve never even heard him mentioned before, how come he’s here visiting you?”
“He and Luke weren’t very close, Chels. We didn’t really run in the same crowd, and anyway, Nathan transferred to a private school during our junior year. It’s a pretty complicated story, actually.”
“One that you don’t want to tell me,” she notes, no small amount of irritation in her voice. “Why not? Come on, Hay! I know about your music, how you spent the two years with Luke and Karen after your parents left. Why won’t you tell me this?”
“I will tell you, just not right now. It’s a long story, and if I tell you even a little of it, you’ll have a million more questions. Your grandmother will kill us both if you aren’t in there mixing and mingling and being a good hostess. We can meet up and talk soon, and I will tell you every last detail and answer every last question.”
She nods reluctantly, clearly not pleased, and lets out a dramatic sigh. “Fine, you win. But only because Grams would kill only me. You’re her favorite! She’d probably give me a spanking in front of everyone, and then praise you for being able to walk on water despite the glaring lack of evidence that would support that.”
I smile at that, linking arms with her as we walk towards the house and its palpable energy. “She’d only do that because it’s true,” I tease, “Despite this so-called lack of evidence. So, how do you feel? Does the party make things seem final?”
“A little,” she shrugs. “I think the party is almost more for Grams than it is for me. She’s really happy about Stanford, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“Of course she is,” I grin. “It’s huge! Stanford is so huge, and we’re all so proud of you. It’s going to be so great. I know that you are going to be great. Aren’t you at least a little excited yet?”
“Yeah, of course. It just seems so far away still. I feel like I have one long summer left before I have to grow up. Or before I get to be a grown up. I don’t know.”
Pulling her to a stop, I place my hands on her shoulders. “Don’t be in too much of a hurry to grow up, Chels. Trust me, there are a few things to be said for maintaining some small semblance of innocence.”
She sniffs at that. “Speaking from experience?”
“Some,” I admit. “I grew up really fast, and it didn’t…well, I learned some lessons the very hard way. I don’t know. I guess you have to learn some things that way, but I still don’t want that for you. I don’t want your heart hurt because some boy doesn’t place the same value on you that you place on him. You deserve more than that and so, so much better.”
“Was it him? The guy in the car, was he the one who hurt you like that?”
“Yeah, that was him,” I admit helplessly, holding up a hand to stave off further questions. “Let’s not get into it tonight, okay? This is a fun, happy night, not a night to think about my failed relationship. Really, this is your night to celebrate, and we can gossip about Nathan later.”
She sighs, but does give a nod of agreement. “Okay, but you are so not off the hook. Oh, hey, can I meet him? And before you say I already did, I mean officially. I think that I have a few questions I’d like to ask him, too. Or I will after I hear your story.”
I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to know what those might be. “He isn’t going to be here long enough for that, but I will tell you everything, as I have already promised several times. Go, hang out with your friends. I’m going to go say hello to your grandmother.”
“Okay,” she smiles, wiggling her fingers at some friends that pass by. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay? And try the artichoke-spinach dip that Mar’s mom brought. It’s totally fabulous.” She turns to leave before stopping short. “Hey, where’s Peyt? She said she couldn’t make it, but she didn’t say why other than still being in Tree Hill.”
“Let’s talk about that later, too,” I sigh, really not wanting to get into all of that now. “It’s another long story. She’s fine, though; she and Luke just have a few things to deal with in Tree Hill. That’s all.”
I really can’t get into that whole thing tonight because I will start crying again. I don’t want to do that here, not when I’ve already spent the better part of a week crying. Chels shoots me a skeptical look, but thankfully she lets it slide. “Okay, well, if I don’t spend much time with you tonight, just know how glad I am that you’re here. We wouldn’t be having this party if it weren’t for you.”
“I don’t buy that for a single second,” I retort, laughing as she pulls me into a tight hug. “You’re a smart girl, Chels. You just needed someone to beat that into your thick head until you realized it, too.”
“You can’t shirk all the responsibility for this,” she laughs. “At the very least, admit that Stanford wouldn’t have been an option without you.”
I shrug, giving her an indulgent smile as I straighten out the bright pink sleeve of her shirt. “You look really pretty tonight, Chels. Is Curtis here?”
She huffs out an exasperated breath, ignoring my question. “You also look awfully pretty tonight. Were you dressing up for Nathan?”
“Oh, God, get out of here!” I laugh, giving her a light shove towards her friends. She goes willingly, giggling over her shoulder at me as she makes her way across the lawn. I wish I could keep her with me all night and let her be a buffer to keep all of my problems at bay, but I’m not quite that selfish. It’s still a nice thought, though. There are things going on now that I do not want to dwell on tonight, including - but not limited to - the ex-husband on his way back to my apartment now.
I wander into the house, pausing to take in the familiar sights and smells and noises of the house. This place is as close to a home as I’ve had the last four years, and with Chelsea at Stanford in the fall, I’ll be losing that last little comfort I have here. Peyton’s gone, and even though Luke was never here, it feels like he’s leaving me, too. With everything going on with Karen on top of that, it suddenly feels very hard to be here. I really don’t want it to be like that, especially when school starts. That’ll just make it harder than it already is, and that’s plenty.
After visiting with Grams and a few other relatives and family friends, I find Chelsea to tell her that I’m leaving. I know that I ought to stay longer and socialize better, but there are too many things distracting me right now. Chelsea is disappointed that I’m leaving, but even that can’t dissuade me right now. She gives me a big hug, extracting yet another promise that I’ll tell her everything ASAP.
The night air is still warm as I walk towards the bus stop a few blocks away, so I shrug out of my sweater. I’m half tempted to call Skills and beg for Nathan’s cell number so I can get a ride, but that’s an easy enough urge to ignore. At least I still have enough of my faculties to know that that is completely unnecessary. It’s not like I won’t be seeing him soon enough as it is. And oh, my God…what am I going to do with him in my apartment? For a week, a whole week, I’m going to be bumping into him, sharing a tiny space with him. We’re going to be sharing my tiny bathroom!
This is too much. Too much in the way of close proximity, too much domesticity, too much everything! I am likely to be one hundred percent crazy by the end of tomorrow. Hell, it might not even take that long! My phone rings suddenly, mercifully shaking me out of the onset phase of panic. It’s Peyton, and I happily answer it.
“Peyt! Hi, I’m so glad you called! What’s going on? Are you okay? Is Karen okay? Everyone else?”
“Wow, pause for a breath there, champ,” she teasingly admonishes, and I can practically see her teasing grin through the phone. “Everything and everyone here are fine. Well, as fine as can be, given the circumstances. I just called to see how you are doing. You know, how’d Chelsea’s party go? Anything interesting, um, happening?”
“I’m fine, Peyt, just on my way home now,” I tell her, glancing at my watch. “Why would - oh, my God, you know, don’t you! You know who showed up on my doorstep today, and you didn’t even give me any warning. Peyton!”
She groans into the phone. I’m too shocked to be really mad, but she doesn’t need to know that. “I swear, I didn’t know until about twenty minutes ago. Skills knew and mentioned when we were out tonight. I waited as long as I could to call because I didn’t want to ruin the party for you.”
I almost stamp my foot in frustration, but like I need to be the crazy lady in a party dress throwing a tantrum at the bus stop. “He was outside my place when I went out to catch the bus tonight,” I sigh, wearily leaning against the bus stop shelter. “He gave me a ride to the party, and I gave him my spare keys so he could wait back at my apartment. He asked for a week, and in a moment of total insanity, I agreed.”
“That - wow, that’s - are you okay, Haley? I mean, that’s kind of a lot to deal with, right?”
“I don’t know what to do, Peyt,” I admit tiredly. “He’s here, and that’s totally crazy, but at the same time it’s nice to have someone who knows and understands about Karen. But he’s asking for a lot, and maybe I don’t have anything to give him now. It just feels like I am completely empty inside, but in this weird way where I am about to explode from it. Everything is so twisted right now that I’m sounding completely ridiculous, right?” I pause to take a breath, and Peyton knows me well enough to wait for me to continue. “I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to be hurt either. Nathan just has these crazy expectations that we can just be together, but we don’t really know each other anymore. He doesn’t know me or the things I’ve done, so what if when he discovers those things, it’s not what he wants? What then?”
I finish with all that and seem to deflate now that it’s out. “Well,” Peyton begins carefully, “I don’t think that will happen, but if it did happen, at least you’ll know and can finally get some closure. I think that is the important thing here - one way or another, you’ll get some form of closure from spending this time with him. That isn’t a bad thing for either of you. Maybe it will help to look at it that way.”
I shrug to myself. “Well, I guess it can’t hurt. I definitely need to have some kind of perspective in all of this that keeps me from going officially insane, and this may be it,” I groan aloud, laughing at the oddness of the situation. “He’s probably in my apartment right now. How weird is that?”
“It’s a little weird,” she agrees with a laugh. “But maybe not as much as you think. Just play it cool and see how things go. Okay, that’s probably a little easier said than done.”
“Just a little,” I snort, exhaling in relief as the bus pulls up. I don’t know how ready I am to face Nathan yet, but all the same, I don’t want to be out here alone right now. I don’t want to be alone period. “Everything is changing,” I say stupidly. “Ugh, that’s such a dumb thing to complain about, right? Things change all the time.”
I smile at the bus driver as I climb up the few steps and swipe my pass, the phone still firmly to my ear. “A lot has changed,” Peyton agrees. “I’m still freaking out about all of it, too. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself here. I really miss you, Hales.”
“Oh, I miss you, too,” I tell her even though she knows that. “How’s Luke doing? He always says that he’s fine, but I’m sure this must be getting to him.”
“He’s okay. Not great, obviously, but I think he’s really hanging in there,” she relates. “Karen is really positive about things, so I think he’s trying to mimic that for her sake if nothing else. He’s started applying for jobs, which is a good thing. The less time he has on his hands to think about it is good. I, um, talked to my dad about not putting the house on the market so that Luke and I can live here. I just don’t see us leaving anytime soon.”
“Good, I’m glad you two will have your own place to stay.” I really do mean that, but it is still really hard to say around the lump in my throat. I know that they need to be there, and I’m so glad they can be with Karen, but just the same it hits hard that they - Peyton especially - won’t be coming out here. “Have you decided when you’ll come out and get your stuff? I’ll make sure to request some time off work so that I can help.”
She groans, only saying, “I really don’t know. I definitely don’t want to leave here yet. Maybe after Karen’s first round of chemo.”
“When is that?” I ask, basically dreading the response. I want to be there for that, but I’m not sure if I can scrounge up the funds and arrange my schedule to get back out there that soon.
“Monday,” Peyton sighs. “And look, before you get pissed at me for not telling you sooner, we just found that out Wednesday. None of us wanted to ruin Chelsea’s party for you. Of course…if I’d known Nathan was going to show up on your doorstep, I probably would’ve just bit the bullet and told you.”
I manage a small laugh at that although my mind is whirling with the concept of ‘Monday’. “Yeah, I guess having him here is a pretty good shake up in and of itself. God, Monday. Really?”
She’s silent a few seconds longer than is natural, but I try not to think on that too much as I watch the night lights blur by. “Yeah, the first session is Monday. I know you want to be here for it, Hales. Just…don’t - “
“Don’t what?” I snap challengingly, sick of feeling out of the loop and useless. “Don’t worry? Don’t stress about this? I’m sorry, but I am worried and stressed and I damn well want to think of a way that I can be there for this. It’s a big deal, and you should’ve told me right away. ‘As soon as I know’, that was what you promised. So don’t ‘don’t’ me, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer.”
“Yeah, okay,” she agrees quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you right away, but what could you have done? You can’t just hop on a plane and fly out here for every single treatment session, whenever they may be. You just won’t be able to do that, Haley. I’m not telling you this to be mean, but that’s the way it is. You don’t have the money, and you won’t be able to miss school, either. I know this sounds harsh, but you are there and this is happening here. That’s just the way things are right now.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, oblivious - or uncaring of - the fact that the driver and other riders may think I’m a loon. “That’s not fair. It’s not fair of you to decide what I should and shouldn’t know. Maybe I would have found a way to get there, at least for this first session. Maybe I still will! I should at least get to decide that for myself, without your help.”
She harrumphs (most likely in exasperation with me), and I can perfectly picture the tiny frown of frustration I know is currently marring her forehead. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do,” she tries to backpedal. “I’m just trying to be practical about this, you know? And no matter how much any of us may wish it different, you flying back and forth across the country while trying to balance a sick loved with medical school and your own life is not practical. We both know that, even if you can’t admit it.”
“Practicality isn’t my biggest concern in all this,” I spit back, so engrossed in our conversation that I almost miss my stop. As I get off the bus, I give the driver an apologetic look. “I just want to be in the loop. I want to know things as soon as they happen so I can make the necessary decisions accordingly. That’s not really asking for a whole lot.”
“Fine,” she agrees quietly. “That’s fine. I think you’re being purposely obtuse so that you can comfortably miss my point, but that’s just fine. I want to make things easier on you, and not worrying about things you can do nothing about at times when you have important things going on is one way I can do that.”
Rolling my eyes, I swallow down the urge to scream. Loudly. And crazily. At the top of my lungs. “Look, I just got off the bus, and now I have to go in and deal with Nathan being in my personal living space. I can’t deal with you and your presumptions anymore tonight.”
“Oh, for God’s sake,” she huffs, and I just know she is pantomiming a choking gesture to Luke, who is almost guaranteed there with her now. “I’m not doing anything wrong. But its fine, you can have it your way and we can talk about it later. Look, good luck with Nathan. Don’t feel bad about kicking him out if he drives you crazy, yeah?”
“Yeah, okay,” I agree listlessly, pausing at the bottom step of my building. “I’ll talk to you later. Night, Peyt. Love you.”
“I love you, too, Hales.”
I take a minute to regroup, needing at least a small bit of emotional respite before going in to face Nathan. This day has been an over-abundance of emotional drain, and I think I’m exceedingly close to empty in the reserve tank. When I think I’ve psyched myself up enough to handle this, I pull out my keys and let myself into the building. I trudge slowly up the stairs, only a little embarrassed by my own obvious stall tactics.
Not stopping to let myself think or worry about it, I immediately unlock the door and step inside, preparing myself for the sight of Nathan in my apartment. To my surprise, that does not immediately appear in the dim light. For just a second, I’m afraid that he’s just….left.
But there he is, sound asleep on my couch that is far too short for his long, lean frame. He looks surprisingly comfortable, though, and at peace. Ha, that must be nice. For one brief, crazy moment, I actually consider lowering myself atop him in an attempt to find closeness with someone and maybe some peace of my own. That yearning passes quickly enough, and I only linger for a minute longer, watching as his chest rises and falls under the thin cover of his t-shirt before quietly slipping into my bedroom and closing the door.
It’s hard to go about my evening routine with him out there, but I quickly remind myself that I’m not in the habit of walking around naked or anything, so it shouldn’t really matter. Of course, I don’t really worry about covering up, either. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I shut the door of my bedroom behind me before climbing into bed.
As I wait for sleep to come, I feel a heavy mantle of the uncertainty of the unknown settle over me. Everything was changing.
Everything.
Chapter Eleven - Goings On
‘When you’ve got nothing, you have nothing to lose.’
Despite my best efforts to live my life as normally as possibly, nothing magically falls back into place once my plane touches down in LA. Even as the week drags by, nothing even remotely begins to feel normal again. I go to work, I fill out the financial aid paperwork I need to finish up by the end of the week, and I sleep. Without Peyton here - and having the reason for Peyton’s absence at the forefront of my mind, I become an antisocial hag. And it hasn’t even been a week.
At least Chelsea’s graduation party has finally rolled around; her graduation ceremony has been the only other bright spot since I got back. Not only is it a way to get my mind off of things, but it’ll be nice to have some human contact besides pervy older men who can’t just leave their tips on the table, but try to slide them into a pocket. Or a bra cup.
My cell phone starts ringing, but I don’t have the energy to pick it up right now. I’ve already talked to Peyton, Luke, and Karen at least six times each the last week, and Deb three times, too. Guilt sets in after the second ring, but I still manage to ignore it. I just want to have today be a good day, and not have to worry about anything other than Chelsea and her accomplishments. That’s what today is about, and that’s okay.
Realizing how horrible it is to ignore the phone when it could be news about Karen, I practically trip over my coffee table trying to get to it. “Damn it,” I mutter aloud, rolling my eyes when I see the missed call is just some unlisted number, “Probably not even trying to reach me.”
I stare at the phone for a minute longer, half hoping it will flash that I have a message, but whoever called doesn’t leave one. Sighing, I drop the phone into my purse and head for my tiny bedroom, suddenly feeling the urge to change before I head over to Chelsea’s graduation party. Instead of going in the jeans and t-shirt that I have on, I decide to make an effort and pull out a white sundress with silly polka dots that Chelsea and Peyton had talked me into a few months ago. Putting it on, I realize that it is having the desired effect; I can feel my mood improve, if only a small amount.
Glancing in the mirror, for the hundredth time this week I nearly stop short. The day after I got back here, I made an appointment at a funky little salon down the street and had them dye and cut my hair. Everything else was changing around me, and some weird part of me felt like my appearance needed to keep up with that, I guess. So now my hair is shoulder length and a dark chocolate brown.
Somehow, despite the change being made in something of a childish, impetuous manner, I think the overall effect is that I look way more adult now. Of course, I have yet to decide whether or not that is a good thing. A glance at the clock has me scurrying into a pair of flats and grabbing a sweater before darting out to grab my purse off the couch and head out the door, pausing only to grab Chelsea’s present.
I managed to track down a first edition, first publishing copy of her favorite book, ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’, a couple of months ago. It cost way more than was within my budget, but Peyton chipped in some and I begged the rest out of my parents. Jimmy and Lydia definitely have a bit of a guilt complex when it comes to me; they weren’t there during the divorce or the aftermath of that, and they go out of their way to make it up to me when they can.
Stepping out into the sun, I slip the wrapped book into my bag as I walk towards the bus stop just down the street from my building. I squint against the bright light, groaning in frustration as I realize the bus - the damn one that I need - is pulling back out into traffic. Swearing under my breath, I’m just about to turn around and go back in the apartment for a few minutes when I see something - someone - that catches my eye.
“No, no way, no, no, no, he is not here,” I mutter aloud, probably sounding like a complete psychopath. What is he doing here? Why is he all of a sudden good for his word? He said that he’d be here, but I didn’t believe him because why would I? Why would I think for a second that he’d actually get on a plane and track me down at my apartment? There he is. Oh, my goodness, there he is. He is standing there, leaning against his rented convertible, looking like he doesn’t have a care in the world.
I freeze for a minute, unsure what I want to do. Should I run back into the apartment and lock myself inside? Should I run for the bus stop and just hope that he doesn’t notice me? Do I go over and confront him? Oddly enough, that makes me madder than anything.
Deciding that I don’t want to deal with him, I spin around and hurry towards the bus stop. It’s the lame way out, and it certainly does not solve anything, but for a second, it feels like the right thing to do. Like a complete idiot, I stop short a few steps later at the realization that if I don’t do something about this now, I’ll spend the entire day obsessing about it.
Before I can change my mind, I hurry across the street intent on confronting him. He doesn’t get to interrupt my life, so why am I letting him? He doesn’t notice me as I approach which only serves to infuriate me further.
“Nathan Royal Scott, what the hell are you doing here?” I yell, stomping up to get in his face. “Go home! You go to the airport, get on a plane, and go anywhere but here!”
“Wow, your hair - it’s so different. Gorgeous, obviously, but different,” he smiles with a slightly shy grin that tries to melt my heart. “Besides, you knew I’d be here sooner or later. I told you I was going to show up, didn’t I?”
Incredulous, I stare at him. “No! No, no, no, no, that was just something you said. Like…like saying the sky is blue or SC has a good football team. You don’t…do something about it.”
He smirks at that, unperturbed by my anger. “That doesn’t even make sense, baby. Besides, I told you that I wasn’t going to give up on us. I know what I want, and I’m going to prove to you that it’s worth taking another chance on me. You don’t have to believe that or trust me yet, but you will. I promise you’ll have all the reason in the world to do just that.”
“No!” I insistently declare like a broken record, punctuating this proclamation with a fist to his shoulder. “No, you cannot do this to me, Nathan! My life is enough of a mess as it is, and I don’t really need you here making things ever worse. In fact, you are making me late for a party. Just go. You don’t belong here, Nathan.”
“I think the more pressing point is that you don’t belong here,” he quietly rebuts, opening the car door and motioning for me to climb in. “Come on, I’ll drive you to your party. You can point out the interesting sights for me, right?”
“I don’t want to ride with you,” I counter petulantly. “I’m going to take the bus, celebrate Chelsea’s graduation, and when I come home, it will be to a blissfully ex-husband free neighborhood.”
He sighs, reaching out and grabbing my hand. “Please. Look, Hales, just let me drive you out there. Come on, baby, I came all this way for you. Can’t you at least give me this much?”
Why does he have to do this to me? Yeah, okay, my life sucked before I spotted him leaning against the car, but why does he have to make things even more complicated? “Nathan, this party is very important to me, and extremely important to several people that I care about a lot. Please just - just don’t do this. Don’t do this to me, Nathan!”
Squeezing my hand, he gives me a hopeful smile. “I’m not doing anything to you,” he tries to explain, but let’s face it - I’m too gone right now to hear and understand much of anything. “Haley, I know, okay? I know that you shouldn’t believe anything I say because I hurt you so bad. But…you hurt me, too, but I realized that that’s not what is important. The good things - and there were so many good things, Hales - are what is important. I want to have the good things again. Is that so wrong?”
“No,” I respond faintly, closing my eyes briefly against the pull of emotion tugging me towards him. “No, of course not. But Nathan, you can have good things again, but they won’t be the same good things. You don’t get to snap your fingers and get things back to what they once were. It doesn’t work like that, and to be perfectly frank, you don’t really have a right to expect that they will.”
“Get in the car,” he sighs, his look imploring. “Please just get in, I’ll drive you out there, and we can talk a little. I just want you to give me a chance. Just a chance, I’m not asking for more than that.”
“Fine,” I snap, shoving his hand away when he tries to help me into the car. “Don’t touch me, Nathan. I mean it. I am so not in the mood for dealing with this, but you obviously aren’t going away now! You know, Nathan - “ I cut myself off, glaring at him as I pull the door shut. He has to jerk his hand out of the way to avoid his fingers getting smashed. I almost feel a little bad, but I’m so pissed at him that it is easy to let that feeling pass.
He gets in the car, casting a wary glance my way. Good, that serves him right. He’s so - so presumptuous, showing up here, expecting things from me. “I know you’re pissed at me,” he sighs, glancing my way. Is he dumb? “I know that I hurt you and that I’m dredging up feelings you’d prefer to pretend never existed.” Okay, maybe a little more astute than I give him credit for. “You’re scared. You’re terrified because you know that if you opened your heart up to me even a teeny, tiny bit, you’d love me every bit as much as you ever did. More, even. That freaks you out, admit it.”
Refusing to look his way, I grit my teeth and shake my head as I stare mulishly out the car window. “You’re as clueless as ever,” I bite out angrily. “You don’t get to assume you know me, know what I think or feel. You pompous jerk, you have no right to do any of this! You can’t ask this of me, Nathan! I don’t even understand why you’re doing this to me.”
“I’m not doing it to you, Hales,” he sighs, a pained expression on his face. “I’m doing this for us.” He’s crazy. He has to be, there is no other explanation for this. And crap, insanity runs in his family, too! “Stop. Calm down, whatever you are thinking, just stop. I’m not crazy, I’m not here to torture you, and I don’t have some weird plan or scheme. I’m just here because I think - I know - that there is still something between us, and I can’t let that go. I don’t want to let that go.”
“You aren’t the only one with a say in this, Nathan! It affects me, too, just a little bit,” I remind him quietly, still sarcastic despite overwhelming feelings of tiredness and almost emptiness. “Don’t you see how much you’re asking of me? You want me to turn over everything to you, but you’ve already had everything from me once. If it wasn’t good enough for you then, why would I believe it was now?”
“That isn’t fair,” he rebuts softly, his voice tinged with hurt and exasperation. “That’s not fair, and you know it. What happened then was the result of several different things, but none of them were your worth. And you damn well know that, too!”
I shake my head, not daring to glance his way still. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I say listlessly in response. “We aren’t together, and there’s no point in bringing up the past. There is just no point in any of this, Nathan.” I pause, finally forcing myself to look his way. “Maybe you should just let me out here. I don’t think it is a good idea for us to spend anymore time together.”
He, quite predictably, does not pull the car over. “Don’t act like there is nothing here, Hales, not when we both know otherwise. You feel it, every bit as acutely as I do, so why deny it? Why pretend like it doesn’t exist?”
“You’re making assumptions that just aren’t true. I don’t feel anything for you, Nathan. You need to accept that and move on. Just leave me alone.”
His face falls for a second in that same heart-breaking way it used to when he was reminded of how awful Dan was or how negligent Deb could be, but I can literally see the resolve wash over his face after that. In spite of myself, I really hate causing him pain, but I don’t know how else to get through to him. I don’t have an obligation to Nathan anymore, but a part of me still feels like it is my responsibility to take care of him when that is very far from the case.
And yes, I’m trying desperately to ignore the nagging voice inside my head (the one that sounds suspiciously like Peyton) that is reminding me that loving him denotes some type of obligation, most likely of the above and beyond variety. God, I’m going crazy.
“I don’t expect you to run off to Vegas with me tonight,” he begins earnestly, his gaze focused on the road as we drive or maybe the palm trees lining the concrete street. “I’m just asking for a chance. Just…give me a week, Hales. Let me stay with you for one week, and we can just see how it goes.”
I gape at him incredulously. “You - you want to stay in my apartment? With me? Oh, this is not happening, there is no way you would have the nerve to ask me that.”
He glances my way, smiling in a rueful way that seems to melt away the years between us. “It isn’t nerve, baby; it’s sheer desperation.”
It takes a second for that to sink in, and when it does, I start laughing. I don’t know why, but it suddenly strikes me as funny that we’re both experiencing a predominant feeling of desperation at the moment. He blinks in surprise, but after a few second, he joins in with the laughing.
“I guess we’re both pathetically desperate then,” he laughs, glancing sideways at me with a big smile. There’s something in me that can’t resist grinning back at him. “I know you think I’m a jerk for pushing this, and hey, maybe I am, but I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t pursue this. Give me a week, Haley. Just one week, and if it doesn’t work out the way I think it will, I’ll go without argument and you’ll never hear from me again.”
Oh, heck, I’m going crazy, but… “Okay.”
Oddly enough, I think that my answer stuns both of us to an equal degree. I know it has left me feeling as though I’ve been knocked upside the head, and Nathan looks about as shocked as I feel.
He stares ahead at the road, his slightly dazed look slowly being replaced by a wide smile. “Okay,” he nods slowly, glancing over at me. “That’s okay then. That’s really good, Hales.”
Damn, his smile still does that thing that makes me want to squirm nervously like my sixteen year old self always did. That could really be a problem, not compounded just a little bit by the fact that he is going to be in very close proximity to me for the next week. As Chelsea would say, this is a total Scooby Doo ‘zoinks’ moment.
“Yeah, good,” I echo quietly, lifting a hand to indicate he should turn at the next light. We’re almost to Chelsea’s grandmother’s house, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when we get there. I can’t just bring Nathan in there with me; that’d be awkward at best and would only lead to a million different questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer at this time. At worst, Chelsea alone would pepper me with questions all night, and I don’t want to lie to her about this.
But I don’t want to explain this situation, either. It’s a complicated, difficult situation that I feel intensely private about and can barely discuss with my closest friends and family. That’s not to take away from my relationship with her at all, but I just can’t talk about this with everyone. I don’t even like to acknowledge my failed teenage marriage to myself some days. Besides, explaining that Nathan is my ex-husband would not be a short or easy conversation, and definitely not in keeping with the celebration mood of the party.
Biting my lip nervously, I try to think of a way to tell him that he’s not invited to come in with me tonight. I don’t want to be rude, and I don’t want to ditch him in an unfamiliar city. It’s a little tempting to blow off the party, but I can’t do that to Chelsea or myself. Glancing his way, I sigh. “I can’t bring you to this party tonight, Nathan. It’s sort of a family and friends thing, you know?”
He grins, nodding good-naturedly. “That’s fine, Hales. I kind of figured it was invitation only. I know you won’t be able to spend every single second of the next week with me. I respect that you have a life and things to do.”
“Oh, okay, thanks,” I nod, nonplussed at his maturity. That? I had not expected. I need to change my tact here because underestimating him continually is not going to help matters. “I can give you the key to my apartment so you can go back there. I guess that’s not very exciting, though.”
“That’s fine, Hales,” he smiles warmly, obviously pleased with the offer. “I don’t mind waiting at your place. I’m not here to do anything other than see you, so that’s good.” He pauses as I point him to another turn before looking back at me. “I could also wait at a coffee shop or diner and then give you a ride home whenever the party is over.”
I shrug, unsure if I’m that ready to jump into things with him right now. This is all happening so fast that I almost feel dizzy. I need a little time and space before getting into things with him just so I can breathe. “I can take the bus, Nathan. Really, that’s how I always get around, so it’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t know how long this will last, you know? Oh, this is it.”
He pulls the car to a stop in front of the house I indicated. Unfortunately, there stands Chelsea and Maria, one of her best friends. Crap, crap, crap. They spot us immediately, of course, and make their way over. “Damn it,” I sigh, digging through my purse for my apartment key.
“Aw, come on, I’m not that terrible to be seen with, am I?” he jokes, tapping his fingers over the back of my hand. “Hey, Hales, don’t worry. I won’t say anything. I’ll keep my mouth shut, baby. They’ll barely know I’m here.”
“It’s not - no one knows, Nathan. No one here knows that I was married and divorced before I graduated from high school, and tonight is so not the night I’d like them to find that out.”
“That’s fine. Like I said, I won’t say a word,” he promises again as Chels and Maria tap on my window. “Here, just give me your keys and I’ll go. Say I’m a hired driver or something.”
I roll my eyes, but give him a small, grateful smile. “Thanks, Nathan. I’ll see you back at the apartment. Just…I don’t know, stay out of my underwear drawer.”
He laughs, reaching over to pluck the keys out of my grasp. “I can’t make any promises. Go, they’re actually pressing their faces against the window.”
I laugh too as I push the door open. “What is wrong with you two?” I scold the girls even as I wrap Chels in a tight hug. “Congratulations, you two!”
Before I can nudge the car door shut behind me, Maria is sliding into my recently vacated seat, smiling at a very surprised Nathan. If the situation wasn’t so what I did not want it to be, I’d probably laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. “Maria, get out of that car!”
“Hi, I’m Maria, and that’s Chelsea. You clearly already know Haley.” Nathan glances up at me, nodding once to her question when I shrug dumbly. “This is the part where you tell us who you are.”
“This,” I interrupt irritably, “Is the part where you get out of my…friend’s car. Come on, Mar, he’s got somewhere to go!”
“You can come to the party,” Chelsea oh-so-helpfully invites. “After all, any friend of Haley’s is a friend of mine!”
Nathan nods up at her, offering a small smile. “Actually, Hales is right; I’ve got to run. Meeting with my parole officer, you know.” He throws a wink my way. “You girls have a nice party. Congratulations on escaping high school.”
Both girls protest, trying to insist that he stay, but I manage to drag Maria out of the car and get both of them back so he can drive off. “Thanks for the ride. I - I’ll see you later.”
He holds my gaze for a few seconds before offering me a grin. “Anytime. Ladies.”
“Wow,” Chelsea breathes out as he pulls the car away from the curb. “Who was that? He called you ‘Hales’! And he is way hot, too. How do you know him?”
I roll my eyes. “He’s a friend. It’s no big deal, and even if it were, it wouldn’t be any of your business. Come on, isn’t there a party going on here?”
Maria lets it go, bouncing over to meet a friend who was being dropped off. Chelsea, on the other hand, pins me with a knowing stare. “He called you ‘Hales’,” she says again, as if that has all the meaning in the world. “Your cheer friends don’t even call you that. Plus, he has a tiny bit of an accent. Is he someone you know from home? Did you bring a boy back with you?”
“Chels, this is your party! Isn’t there more fun to be had than quizzing me? Here, open your present,” I offer, holding out the brightly wrapped package. “I want to see if you love it as much as I think you will.”
“My grandmother would kill me if I opened it now,” she smiles dismissively. “Besides, I want to hear all about Mr. Sexy. That is a way better present than any that fits in a package.”
There is no way out of this. She isn’t going to let it go without some kind of explanation, and I can’t really make up some story on the fly to feed her. “He’s just someone I know from Tree Hill. Luke’s half brother, actually.”
Her eyebrows shoot up at that; this clearly wasn’t the information she was expecting. “What? Since when does Luke have a brother? If Luke has a brother that hot, he should be in every single picture you have. But since I’ve never even heard him mentioned before, how come he’s here visiting you?”
“He and Luke weren’t very close, Chels. We didn’t really run in the same crowd, and anyway, Nathan transferred to a private school during our junior year. It’s a pretty complicated story, actually.”
“One that you don’t want to tell me,” she notes, no small amount of irritation in her voice. “Why not? Come on, Hay! I know about your music, how you spent the two years with Luke and Karen after your parents left. Why won’t you tell me this?”
“I will tell you, just not right now. It’s a long story, and if I tell you even a little of it, you’ll have a million more questions. Your grandmother will kill us both if you aren’t in there mixing and mingling and being a good hostess. We can meet up and talk soon, and I will tell you every last detail and answer every last question.”
She nods reluctantly, clearly not pleased, and lets out a dramatic sigh. “Fine, you win. But only because Grams would kill only me. You’re her favorite! She’d probably give me a spanking in front of everyone, and then praise you for being able to walk on water despite the glaring lack of evidence that would support that.”
I smile at that, linking arms with her as we walk towards the house and its palpable energy. “She’d only do that because it’s true,” I tease, “Despite this so-called lack of evidence. So, how do you feel? Does the party make things seem final?”
“A little,” she shrugs. “I think the party is almost more for Grams than it is for me. She’s really happy about Stanford, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“Of course she is,” I grin. “It’s huge! Stanford is so huge, and we’re all so proud of you. It’s going to be so great. I know that you are going to be great. Aren’t you at least a little excited yet?”
“Yeah, of course. It just seems so far away still. I feel like I have one long summer left before I have to grow up. Or before I get to be a grown up. I don’t know.”
Pulling her to a stop, I place my hands on her shoulders. “Don’t be in too much of a hurry to grow up, Chels. Trust me, there are a few things to be said for maintaining some small semblance of innocence.”
She sniffs at that. “Speaking from experience?”
“Some,” I admit. “I grew up really fast, and it didn’t…well, I learned some lessons the very hard way. I don’t know. I guess you have to learn some things that way, but I still don’t want that for you. I don’t want your heart hurt because some boy doesn’t place the same value on you that you place on him. You deserve more than that and so, so much better.”
“Was it him? The guy in the car, was he the one who hurt you like that?”
“Yeah, that was him,” I admit helplessly, holding up a hand to stave off further questions. “Let’s not get into it tonight, okay? This is a fun, happy night, not a night to think about my failed relationship. Really, this is your night to celebrate, and we can gossip about Nathan later.”
She sighs, but does give a nod of agreement. “Okay, but you are so not off the hook. Oh, hey, can I meet him? And before you say I already did, I mean officially. I think that I have a few questions I’d like to ask him, too. Or I will after I hear your story.”
I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to know what those might be. “He isn’t going to be here long enough for that, but I will tell you everything, as I have already promised several times. Go, hang out with your friends. I’m going to go say hello to your grandmother.”
“Okay,” she smiles, wiggling her fingers at some friends that pass by. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay? And try the artichoke-spinach dip that Mar’s mom brought. It’s totally fabulous.” She turns to leave before stopping short. “Hey, where’s Peyt? She said she couldn’t make it, but she didn’t say why other than still being in Tree Hill.”
“Let’s talk about that later, too,” I sigh, really not wanting to get into all of that now. “It’s another long story. She’s fine, though; she and Luke just have a few things to deal with in Tree Hill. That’s all.”
I really can’t get into that whole thing tonight because I will start crying again. I don’t want to do that here, not when I’ve already spent the better part of a week crying. Chels shoots me a skeptical look, but thankfully she lets it slide. “Okay, well, if I don’t spend much time with you tonight, just know how glad I am that you’re here. We wouldn’t be having this party if it weren’t for you.”
“I don’t buy that for a single second,” I retort, laughing as she pulls me into a tight hug. “You’re a smart girl, Chels. You just needed someone to beat that into your thick head until you realized it, too.”
“You can’t shirk all the responsibility for this,” she laughs. “At the very least, admit that Stanford wouldn’t have been an option without you.”
I shrug, giving her an indulgent smile as I straighten out the bright pink sleeve of her shirt. “You look really pretty tonight, Chels. Is Curtis here?”
She huffs out an exasperated breath, ignoring my question. “You also look awfully pretty tonight. Were you dressing up for Nathan?”
“Oh, God, get out of here!” I laugh, giving her a light shove towards her friends. She goes willingly, giggling over her shoulder at me as she makes her way across the lawn. I wish I could keep her with me all night and let her be a buffer to keep all of my problems at bay, but I’m not quite that selfish. It’s still a nice thought, though. There are things going on now that I do not want to dwell on tonight, including - but not limited to - the ex-husband on his way back to my apartment now.
I wander into the house, pausing to take in the familiar sights and smells and noises of the house. This place is as close to a home as I’ve had the last four years, and with Chelsea at Stanford in the fall, I’ll be losing that last little comfort I have here. Peyton’s gone, and even though Luke was never here, it feels like he’s leaving me, too. With everything going on with Karen on top of that, it suddenly feels very hard to be here. I really don’t want it to be like that, especially when school starts. That’ll just make it harder than it already is, and that’s plenty.
After visiting with Grams and a few other relatives and family friends, I find Chelsea to tell her that I’m leaving. I know that I ought to stay longer and socialize better, but there are too many things distracting me right now. Chelsea is disappointed that I’m leaving, but even that can’t dissuade me right now. She gives me a big hug, extracting yet another promise that I’ll tell her everything ASAP.
The night air is still warm as I walk towards the bus stop a few blocks away, so I shrug out of my sweater. I’m half tempted to call Skills and beg for Nathan’s cell number so I can get a ride, but that’s an easy enough urge to ignore. At least I still have enough of my faculties to know that that is completely unnecessary. It’s not like I won’t be seeing him soon enough as it is. And oh, my God…what am I going to do with him in my apartment? For a week, a whole week, I’m going to be bumping into him, sharing a tiny space with him. We’re going to be sharing my tiny bathroom!
This is too much. Too much in the way of close proximity, too much domesticity, too much everything! I am likely to be one hundred percent crazy by the end of tomorrow. Hell, it might not even take that long! My phone rings suddenly, mercifully shaking me out of the onset phase of panic. It’s Peyton, and I happily answer it.
“Peyt! Hi, I’m so glad you called! What’s going on? Are you okay? Is Karen okay? Everyone else?”
“Wow, pause for a breath there, champ,” she teasingly admonishes, and I can practically see her teasing grin through the phone. “Everything and everyone here are fine. Well, as fine as can be, given the circumstances. I just called to see how you are doing. You know, how’d Chelsea’s party go? Anything interesting, um, happening?”
“I’m fine, Peyt, just on my way home now,” I tell her, glancing at my watch. “Why would - oh, my God, you know, don’t you! You know who showed up on my doorstep today, and you didn’t even give me any warning. Peyton!”
She groans into the phone. I’m too shocked to be really mad, but she doesn’t need to know that. “I swear, I didn’t know until about twenty minutes ago. Skills knew and mentioned when we were out tonight. I waited as long as I could to call because I didn’t want to ruin the party for you.”
I almost stamp my foot in frustration, but like I need to be the crazy lady in a party dress throwing a tantrum at the bus stop. “He was outside my place when I went out to catch the bus tonight,” I sigh, wearily leaning against the bus stop shelter. “He gave me a ride to the party, and I gave him my spare keys so he could wait back at my apartment. He asked for a week, and in a moment of total insanity, I agreed.”
“That - wow, that’s - are you okay, Haley? I mean, that’s kind of a lot to deal with, right?”
“I don’t know what to do, Peyt,” I admit tiredly. “He’s here, and that’s totally crazy, but at the same time it’s nice to have someone who knows and understands about Karen. But he’s asking for a lot, and maybe I don’t have anything to give him now. It just feels like I am completely empty inside, but in this weird way where I am about to explode from it. Everything is so twisted right now that I’m sounding completely ridiculous, right?” I pause to take a breath, and Peyton knows me well enough to wait for me to continue. “I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to be hurt either. Nathan just has these crazy expectations that we can just be together, but we don’t really know each other anymore. He doesn’t know me or the things I’ve done, so what if when he discovers those things, it’s not what he wants? What then?”
I finish with all that and seem to deflate now that it’s out. “Well,” Peyton begins carefully, “I don’t think that will happen, but if it did happen, at least you’ll know and can finally get some closure. I think that is the important thing here - one way or another, you’ll get some form of closure from spending this time with him. That isn’t a bad thing for either of you. Maybe it will help to look at it that way.”
I shrug to myself. “Well, I guess it can’t hurt. I definitely need to have some kind of perspective in all of this that keeps me from going officially insane, and this may be it,” I groan aloud, laughing at the oddness of the situation. “He’s probably in my apartment right now. How weird is that?”
“It’s a little weird,” she agrees with a laugh. “But maybe not as much as you think. Just play it cool and see how things go. Okay, that’s probably a little easier said than done.”
“Just a little,” I snort, exhaling in relief as the bus pulls up. I don’t know how ready I am to face Nathan yet, but all the same, I don’t want to be out here alone right now. I don’t want to be alone period. “Everything is changing,” I say stupidly. “Ugh, that’s such a dumb thing to complain about, right? Things change all the time.”
I smile at the bus driver as I climb up the few steps and swipe my pass, the phone still firmly to my ear. “A lot has changed,” Peyton agrees. “I’m still freaking out about all of it, too. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself here. I really miss you, Hales.”
“Oh, I miss you, too,” I tell her even though she knows that. “How’s Luke doing? He always says that he’s fine, but I’m sure this must be getting to him.”
“He’s okay. Not great, obviously, but I think he’s really hanging in there,” she relates. “Karen is really positive about things, so I think he’s trying to mimic that for her sake if nothing else. He’s started applying for jobs, which is a good thing. The less time he has on his hands to think about it is good. I, um, talked to my dad about not putting the house on the market so that Luke and I can live here. I just don’t see us leaving anytime soon.”
“Good, I’m glad you two will have your own place to stay.” I really do mean that, but it is still really hard to say around the lump in my throat. I know that they need to be there, and I’m so glad they can be with Karen, but just the same it hits hard that they - Peyton especially - won’t be coming out here. “Have you decided when you’ll come out and get your stuff? I’ll make sure to request some time off work so that I can help.”
She groans, only saying, “I really don’t know. I definitely don’t want to leave here yet. Maybe after Karen’s first round of chemo.”
“When is that?” I ask, basically dreading the response. I want to be there for that, but I’m not sure if I can scrounge up the funds and arrange my schedule to get back out there that soon.
“Monday,” Peyton sighs. “And look, before you get pissed at me for not telling you sooner, we just found that out Wednesday. None of us wanted to ruin Chelsea’s party for you. Of course…if I’d known Nathan was going to show up on your doorstep, I probably would’ve just bit the bullet and told you.”
I manage a small laugh at that although my mind is whirling with the concept of ‘Monday’. “Yeah, I guess having him here is a pretty good shake up in and of itself. God, Monday. Really?”
She’s silent a few seconds longer than is natural, but I try not to think on that too much as I watch the night lights blur by. “Yeah, the first session is Monday. I know you want to be here for it, Hales. Just…don’t - “
“Don’t what?” I snap challengingly, sick of feeling out of the loop and useless. “Don’t worry? Don’t stress about this? I’m sorry, but I am worried and stressed and I damn well want to think of a way that I can be there for this. It’s a big deal, and you should’ve told me right away. ‘As soon as I know’, that was what you promised. So don’t ‘don’t’ me, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer.”
“Yeah, okay,” she agrees quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you right away, but what could you have done? You can’t just hop on a plane and fly out here for every single treatment session, whenever they may be. You just won’t be able to do that, Haley. I’m not telling you this to be mean, but that’s the way it is. You don’t have the money, and you won’t be able to miss school, either. I know this sounds harsh, but you are there and this is happening here. That’s just the way things are right now.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, oblivious - or uncaring of - the fact that the driver and other riders may think I’m a loon. “That’s not fair. It’s not fair of you to decide what I should and shouldn’t know. Maybe I would have found a way to get there, at least for this first session. Maybe I still will! I should at least get to decide that for myself, without your help.”
She harrumphs (most likely in exasperation with me), and I can perfectly picture the tiny frown of frustration I know is currently marring her forehead. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do,” she tries to backpedal. “I’m just trying to be practical about this, you know? And no matter how much any of us may wish it different, you flying back and forth across the country while trying to balance a sick loved with medical school and your own life is not practical. We both know that, even if you can’t admit it.”
“Practicality isn’t my biggest concern in all this,” I spit back, so engrossed in our conversation that I almost miss my stop. As I get off the bus, I give the driver an apologetic look. “I just want to be in the loop. I want to know things as soon as they happen so I can make the necessary decisions accordingly. That’s not really asking for a whole lot.”
“Fine,” she agrees quietly. “That’s fine. I think you’re being purposely obtuse so that you can comfortably miss my point, but that’s just fine. I want to make things easier on you, and not worrying about things you can do nothing about at times when you have important things going on is one way I can do that.”
Rolling my eyes, I swallow down the urge to scream. Loudly. And crazily. At the top of my lungs. “Look, I just got off the bus, and now I have to go in and deal with Nathan being in my personal living space. I can’t deal with you and your presumptions anymore tonight.”
“Oh, for God’s sake,” she huffs, and I just know she is pantomiming a choking gesture to Luke, who is almost guaranteed there with her now. “I’m not doing anything wrong. But its fine, you can have it your way and we can talk about it later. Look, good luck with Nathan. Don’t feel bad about kicking him out if he drives you crazy, yeah?”
“Yeah, okay,” I agree listlessly, pausing at the bottom step of my building. “I’ll talk to you later. Night, Peyt. Love you.”
“I love you, too, Hales.”
I take a minute to regroup, needing at least a small bit of emotional respite before going in to face Nathan. This day has been an over-abundance of emotional drain, and I think I’m exceedingly close to empty in the reserve tank. When I think I’ve psyched myself up enough to handle this, I pull out my keys and let myself into the building. I trudge slowly up the stairs, only a little embarrassed by my own obvious stall tactics.
Not stopping to let myself think or worry about it, I immediately unlock the door and step inside, preparing myself for the sight of Nathan in my apartment. To my surprise, that does not immediately appear in the dim light. For just a second, I’m afraid that he’s just….left.
But there he is, sound asleep on my couch that is far too short for his long, lean frame. He looks surprisingly comfortable, though, and at peace. Ha, that must be nice. For one brief, crazy moment, I actually consider lowering myself atop him in an attempt to find closeness with someone and maybe some peace of my own. That yearning passes quickly enough, and I only linger for a minute longer, watching as his chest rises and falls under the thin cover of his t-shirt before quietly slipping into my bedroom and closing the door.
It’s hard to go about my evening routine with him out there, but I quickly remind myself that I’m not in the habit of walking around naked or anything, so it shouldn’t really matter. Of course, I don’t really worry about covering up, either. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I shut the door of my bedroom behind me before climbing into bed.
As I wait for sleep to come, I feel a heavy mantle of the uncertainty of the unknown settle over me. Everything was changing.
Everything.