Approaching Normal - Chapter Twelve

[unwindingdreams]

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Chapter Twelve - Riposte

‘Give as good as you get.’

As I wake up in the morning, the early morning sunlight filtering through the curtains, something feels off, but I can’t quite wrap my mind around what it is. It takes the smell of coffee and hearing the sounds of someone moving around in the kitchen to bring me out of my stupor, and I sit up abruptly. It’s Nathan, in my kitchen, making coffee and doing goodness knows what else.

Flopping back into my pillow, I groan as I bring an arm up to cover my eyes. At least there’s coffee, I suppose. That already makes things a tiny bit more bearable. After taking a deep, (and hopefully) fortifying breath, I sit back up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. It takes another deep breath (and the forceful self-reminder that I’ll have to leave the room eventually if only to use the bathroom) to get me pulling on a pair of pajama pants and tying the sash of a robe around my waist. And it’s stupid, I know it is stupid, but of course I have to stop in front of the mirror and fluff my hair a little. Just a little, though.

Pulling the door open slowly, I immediately spot Nathan standing in front of the stove in my kitchen. His back is to me, which nicely gives me an extra moment to gather myself before I begin freaking out at the domesticity of it all. Which is naturally inevitable, with me. Really, it’s only a matter of time, and it might be starting right this second.

“Uh, hey,” I say, feeling completely awkward and then completely disarmed when he turns around with a completely charming smile on his face. “Good morning.”

“Hey yourself,” he grins widely, casting a rueful glance around the kitchen. “I hope you don’t mind. I’m still on east coast time, obviously. I needed something to eat. Oh, and I made some coffee for you. I figured, considering how many bags of it you have, that you must still need to feed that beast regularly.”

I laugh nervously, hating that I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in my own place. It’s not precisely Nathan’s fault, at least not in an intentional way, but I still find myself a little resentful towards him. He’s here and it is impossible to ignore him.

Glancing at the stove, I can see that he’s making scrambled eggs and French toast with sausage, which means he went to the store because I know I had no eggs or bread here. “That looks like quite the feast,” I manage to say in a fairly civil tone. “I guess you found the grocery store then. Sorry for not having anything on hand. I - I wasn’t really expecting company.”

He smiles easily which sort of reduces me to a seething pile of jealousy that this is so easy for him. “Yeah, it wasn’t hard to find. Sorry for just taking over your kitchen, though. I was going to ask if it was okay, but I didn’t want to wake you especially since I wasn’t sure how late you got in. Was the party fun?”

“It was…I don’t know, I was kind of distracted,” I admit freely. “Didn’t even stay that long, really. Just long enough to do the right thing and make everyone happy.”

“I guess that’s my fault,” he sighs, glancing at me earnestly as he tears his eyes away from the sausage. “Honest, Hales, I didn’t mean to wreck that for you. I could tell it was important.”

I shake my head to deny that. “No, it wasn’t that. Well, it wasn’t only that. It’s - I’m worried about Karen, too. And Peyton’s gone, and Luke isn’t coming, and everything is just really stressful right now. It was hard to be there and be happy with everything else that is going on.”

He reaches out, briefly grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently before dropping it. “Karen’ll be okay, you know? She’s a tough lady; she’s going to fight her way through this.”

Nodding, because it’s the only thing I can do, I give him a tiny smile. “Yeah, I keep trying to tell myself that, but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in too well.”

“Guess I’ll just have to keep telling you that, too,” he grins, winking at me as he flips the French toast before scooping the eggs onto the plates he has waiting on the counter. “Your cupboard is sorely lacking, Hales. You didn’t even have syrup in there. What do you eat?”

“Well, I certainly don’t eat like this everyday. I’d be as big as a house if I did.”

He chuckles at that as he slides two pieces of French toast and four pieces of sausage onto a plate with the eggs, passing it to me. “Eat up. I never get to share my newfound cooking techniques with anyone. I was almost going to get a dog just so I had someone to eat the stuff I was making.”

“Why not just get a girlfriend?” I ask, partly out of morbid curiosity and partly just to needle him a little bit. Hey, I never said I was above being a little snotty when the mood struck.

To my surprise (and irritation), he doesn’t rise to the bait. “You already know that you’re the only one I want, Hales. Do us both a favor and don’t bother pretending otherwise, yeah? You’re better than that.”

Shrugging in a manner I hope conveys indifference, I grab a fork out of the drawer and sit down at the counter with my plate. “I don’t really know how to act with you here,” I admit, glancing up at him from the surprisingly good scrambled eggs. Ha, he put some cheese in there. I don’t know if I’m irritated or surprised or impressed or just grateful that he’s remembering things like that.

“I know,” he sighs, a rueful smile playing about his lips as he brings his plate around to sit on the stool next to mine. “That’s okay, you know. It’d probably be pretty fucked up if everything were just okay right away. We’ve been through a lot.”

“So, it’s normal to be abnormal?” I quip in an overly bright voice. I’m clinging to a bit of hope that sheer bravado can get me through this, but I really don’t know if that will be the case.

“Maybe,” he agrees with a shrug. “Hell, Hales, I don’t know. You know that I don’t know. I’m not really that great with all that people stuff, as evidenced by all the royal screw ups I’ve made in my life.” He glances over at me, an unreadable expression on his face. “You do know that I’m sorry that I hurt you, don’t you?”

The jump in conversation jars me, and all I can manage is a jerky nod. “Let’s not worry about that right now, please? I just - maybe we can talk about that stuff later, but I’m not ready yet, Nathan. Please?”

“Yeah, of course,” he agrees immediately, a look of concern on his face as he watches me take a small bite of the French toast. “You okay, Hales?”

“No. Yes. I don’t really know.” I let out a mirthless chuckle at the absurd haplessness of my answer. “Honestly, I don’t know. Peyton told me last night that Karen is scheduled for her first chemo session on Monday morning. They were supposed to tell me these things right away so I can make arrangements when possible. But instead, Peyton acts like she is my mother and doles out information as she sees fit. Don’t they know how hard it is to be out here, alone and completely reliant on them for information?”

He sets his fork down on the edge of his plate before getting up to pour me a large mug of coffee. “They don’t know, probably,” he says in their defense, catching me quite by surprise. I guess some part of me figured that he’d agree with me, if only to please me. It’s actually quite nice that he doesn’t. “It’s hard to know how something feels when you haven’t experienced it first-hand, right?”

I sigh, giving him a look of mock exasperation. “I really don’t appreciate you being right about this,” I smile. “That is more than a little frustrating.”

He laughs loudly at that as he stabs of piece of sausage with his fork. I allow myself a little smile as he then smears it with syrup, just like he used to do. I guess that I remember things, too.

“They still ought to tell you, though. I mean, I really don’t blame you a bit for feeling frustrated. It’s important to you and they should respect that.”

“Thanks,” I return softly, taking another bite of scrambled egg. “It’s - I care about Karen, too, you know? And all I want is to be in the loop. Fighting about what and when I’m allowed to know things with Peyton doesn’t really make any of this easier on anyone.”

He quirks up an eyebrow at that. “You and Peyton actually fought over it? I bet that doesn’t happen very often. What set you off?”

I grimace at the insinuation that it is my fault, but mostly because it was. “Honestly? It was just the fact that it was scheduled for so soon coupled with not being told on top of you showing up unexpectedly. It was a lot of things to take in happening at once, and I probably didn’t handle it particularly well. It wasn’t really so much a fight as it was an argument. I mean, we did say our ‘I love you’s’ at the end.”

Nathan grins at that, nodding knowingly. “I’m sure she just wants things to be easy on you, Hales.”

“Yeah, I know that. I even appreciate it, generally. But right now, I need to be aware, involved, not protected. I want the options, you know?”

“What options would those be?” he asks seriously.

Pushing my plate away, I glance up at him. “Well, they are limited. I do know that. But I wanted to try to get back there when I could, for the important things. And I don’t know what anyone else thinks, but she’s having chemo Monday morning. That’s one of those things that seems important and that she might need a little extra support during. I just want to be there for her, but no one seems to understand that.”

“Yeah, that is a big deal,” he agrees solemnly, lifting a hand and reaching towards me before seeming to catch himself and pull it back. “Is there anyway you could make it?”

I sigh, a little dramatically perhaps, but I feel utterly defeated, so why the hell not? “There’s a chance. Not a great one, but it is still there. It would have helped a lot if I’d known two days ago when everyone else found else. Now I’m probably stuck,” I admit.

He nods knowingly. “Hales, if you need some money for a plane ticket - no, don’t interrupt,” he commands when I start to do just that, “Look, I can float you the money if you need it. I mean it, I’ve got a job, my house and truck are both paid for, so really, it’d be fine. I’d be happy to do that for you.”

“Oh, Nathan,” I breathe, a little grateful that he phrased it as being a loan, and didn’t just try and give the money to me, “That’s really sweet, but I really need to figure these things out on my own. You know what I mean? I do appreciate the offer, though. A lot.”

“Well, the offer stands in case you ever need it,” he states kindly, offering me an adorably crooked smile. His face sobers a little as he says, “I really believe she’ll be fine, Hales. Karen is a strong woman, she’s got the best doctors, and she’s got a really strong support system in all of you. That makes a really big difference, you know?”

I know he is referencing his own times of trouble, and I know he speaks the truth. Having support from friends and family is so important. “I hate that you didn’t have anyone there for you when you needed it, Nathan. You deserved a lot better than you got. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to worry about it, Hales. You weren’t there, and there was nothing you could’ve done if you were,” he says resolutely. “Besides, that’s over and done with now. I’m just trying to move on from it.”

“You still should have had someone,” I point out, believing that firmly. “I know that you don’t always believe it, but it is still true.”

He shrugs, glancing away from me. “It is what it is, right? No one can change what happened or how things went down, and maybe that’s for the best. Maybe that was the kick I needed to start getting my act together. Maybe now I’m ready to move on from all of that and forget it.”

Yeah, he’ll forget all of that about as soon as he can forgive Dan for all the shit he pulled and the messes he made. Sorry, Nathan, not buying that one. “You can certainly move on, and I think that would be great for you, but do you honestly think you can forget?”

He shrugs, still not looking back at me. Sighing, I reach out and lay a hand on his arm, drawing his attention. “I don’t know,” he admits finally, his brow furrowed in frustration. The desire to brush my fingers over those worry lines is so strong that it is almost staggering. “I guess I can try, right?”

Rolling my eyes, I give him a playful shove. “You don’t need to forget about it, you know? You’ve already proven that you are so much better than all that, than everyone else even remotely involved. That’s so much better than trying to forget, Nathan, which is a tough prospect anyway.”

He gives me the faintest trace of a smile, but clearly can’t (or perhaps just plain won’t?) take what I said to heart. “Thanks for saying that. It means a lot that you’d bother.”

“It’s not a bother,” I frown. “I’m just telling you the truth, you know? It’s what I believe, at any rate.”

“Thanks,” he murmurs, smiling amusedly as he leans forward to kiss me on the cheek. “You’d be surprised to know just how much your opinions mean to me, Hales. How much you mean to me.”

Those words spur a million thoughts and a million more feelings, and it is hard for me to sort through them all. He seems to understand, backing off and shooting me a resigned smile. I return that with an apologetic look before moving to clear away our dishes. “Thanks for breakfast, Nathan. I honestly can’t remember the last time someone other than Peyton did something so nice for me.”

“I’m glad it was me then,” is all he says, but he looks like he has a lot of different questions. Lucky for me, he cuts me some slack and doesn’t voice them. “So, are you busy today?”

“Well, no, actually I’m not,” I admit, fidgeting nervously as I rinse our plates off. “I’ve always had Saturdays off because of cheer stuff, and I never really volunteered to start working when that became a non-issue.” He grins at that. “I’d thought that Peyton and Luke were going to be here and that I’d be doing stuff with them on the weekends, but…”

“I’m here today,” he grins widely, not letting me dwell on my less pleasant thoughts, which I can actually appreciate. “Let’s go out and do something fun. Whatever you want, just show me some part of town that you love. The beach you go to or something like that.”

I raise an eyebrow at him as I load the dishwasher. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go to Disneyland or something like that? That would be the proper tourist thing to do.”

Nathan just grins at my teasing. “Maybe we can do that another day. Today I’m thinking the beach. Doesn’t that sound good to you?”

“It doesn’t sound bad,” I agree, thinking that relaxing on a hot beach might be just what I need to relax and unwind a little bit. I’m not a huge sun bather at all, but lying on the sand or wading in the water while taking in the happy sights and sounds is appealing. “Okay, let’s do that. It looks like a nice day for the beach, at least.”

He grins at me as he moves around the counter to help with the clean up. I try to shoo him away, but he ignores me. “Oh, come on, you’re letting me stay here. Cleaning up is the least that I can do. Besides, I know how much you hate doing dishes,” he teases me.

“Hey!” I protest laughingly. “I clean, you know!”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just saying that I specifically remember that cleaning the kitchen is not one of your favorite pastimes. That’s all,” he winks, so charming that it makes me ache. He’s just…beautiful in a completely breathtaking way.

Trying to shake off those thoughts that could only lead to no good, I turn to him, tossing a sponge his way. “Then make yourself useful. Although that may be a first,” I tease in return, hoping I’m not blushing too red.

He laughs at that, snapping the dish towel he was holding in my direction. “You’ve barely spent a full waking hour with me, and I’ve already laughed more in that time than the last five years or so.”

Why does he have to go and say things like that? We were doing fine, I was actually starting to relax and feel slightly more at ease with all of this, but then he has to throw that out there. He has to say something that makes me feel like his happiness is completely wrapped up in me and what I do, and that’s too much pressure. There are too many variables here, too many huge things factoring into - I jump, startled, when he slings an arm around my shoulders, giving me a knowing look.

“I don’t know what I did or said to upset you this time, but just stop freaking out, okay?” Nathan implores me calmly, guiding me to sit down on the couch. “Whatever I did, I didn’t mean it in a bad way, baby.”

As we sit, me on the couch and him on the coffee table in front of me, I nod slowly. “I know. I know that, Nathan. It’s - this is a lot for me, you know? This is sudden and overwhelming and I haven’t really had time to process any of it yet. So I’m trying not to freak out over every little thing, but it is really hard.”

He leans forward, gripping my hands in his. “It’s okay. I actually understand that. I really do know that I’ve laid a lot on you with all this. I know my expectations are high. I’m sorry for the pressure that puts on you, but I don’t think that can be helped.”

“Maybe not,” I sigh, inwardly marveling at the new depths of his perception. He was never this intuitive before, and it is almost scarily uncanny how well he seems to be reading me. “Well, let’s just let this go and get ready for the beach, yeah?”

“Okay,” he agrees, even though I can tell he’d rather finish our current conversation. “I’m just gonna go out for a quick jog while you use the bathroom, and then I can clean up when I get back.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” I agree absently, not sure if Nathan shirtless while jogging or shirtless while wet sounds more appealing. Maybe it’s a tie. Both are pretty, pretty mental pictures, and chances are good that I’ll see at least one today. Hell, that’s probably not a good thing.

Damn, I am so screwed.

~*~

Our drive to the beach, which is thankfully a short one, was silence-filled and tense. When Nathan got back from his run, I did indeed see him shirtless, and it was like a fatal blow to my defenses. There has never been anyone who even came close to being able to match the level of sexual attraction that I feel for Nathan, and it kind of sucks to have that rubbed in my face now. I mean, there was no question about the attraction I feel toward him, but having the constant, in my face reminder of it is killing me.

“Are you okay, Hales?” Nathan asks, breaking into my silent reverie. “If you don’t want to go to the beach, we could just hang out at your place, you know? Whatever you prefer and slash or are comfortable with, baby.”

“I’d be more comfortable if you’d stop with the endearments,” I tell him bluntly, ignoring his resulting grimace. “It’s just that all we are is exes, and it isn’t really appropriate for you to use those terms like that anymore. “So I’d appreciate it if you’d stop.” I choose to take his prolonged silence that follows that statement as agreement. “Thanks.”

He glances over at me, rolling his pretty blue eyes. “I didn’t agree to anything, Hales. And for the record, I won’t. I won’t agree to something so completely asinine as that.”

God, does he always have to be so damned difficult? Why does he want to torture me like this? It’s getting ridiculous and it certainly isn’t fair, and I have no one to blame but myself because I let myself get roped into this situation. “I just wish you didn’t…” I sighed, trailing off as I didn’t know how to continue.

“You wish I hadn’t come out here,” he concludes when I failed to vocalize anything else.

“Honestly? Maybe,” I admit, admittedly feeling awful, not even needing to glance his way to know that I’ve hurt him. “It’s just, Nathan, having you here completely turns my life upside down, and it’s freaking me out. And okay, you’re here, and I’m trying to deal with it, but it would help if you weren’t so - so…you. So irritatingly charming.”

He relaxes a little at that, and I know now that I am so completely screwed in all of this. The only way to get Nathan to back off is to intentionally hurt him, and I obviously do not have the heart or the stomach for that. I just cannot do it, and that is inevitably going to be my downfall. I know it, and I can’t see any way of stopping it.

“I don’t want to cause you distress or pain, you know,” he says softly. “I mean it, I am not here to hurt you or make your life difficult. The thing is, I believe so strongly that you and I are, I don’t know, written in the stars or something. So yeah, I’m willing to cause you a little grief and irritation now because I want and think that I can bring you a lifetime of happiness. That probably sounds like a load of trite crap, but it’s true. I can make you happy in every imaginable way, and I think you know it. I know it scares you, so I’ll just let you come around to accepting it on your own. I won’t back off, though; I can’t afford to do that. I can’t give you the space and time to run away from me. Plus I think you need me to prove that this is it, that I am in this one hundred percent. And I am, Hales. I really am.”

“Fine,” I mutter, unsure of what else to do or say now. There really isn’t anything I can say to that, right? I can’t fight him about this, I can’t force him to back off, and I wouldn’t make him leave. I was going to have to find my own way to power through all of this, and that’s all there is to it. “You’re only here for a week; I’m sure I can survive without falling into your arms and being your girlfriend again.”

He glances over at me, cocking an eyebrow up in a look that is both assessing and amused simultaneously. “I don’t want you to be my girlfriend again, Haley.” My face heats up immediately in hot embarrassment. Have I really so misinterpreted all of this? Have I been hearing what he’s said wrong? “I want to marry you. I want to see our child grow inside of you. I want to cheer with you when he takes his first step.”

There was even less to say to that. Well. I sigh, shifting my gaze to focus out my window as we pulled into the parking lot. At least that was something; I won’t have to sit here any longer, feeling trapped in the confines of the car. He lets me lapse into silence as we get out of the car and start unloading the things I had put together to bring. He carries the chairs and the cooler that I packed while I grab the bag of towels, slinging my largest beach blanket over my shoulder. We even remain silent as we set the chairs up and spread out the blanket. I know he catches me staring at him once he takes his shirt off, but since I keep catching him eyeing me, I wasn’t all that embarrassed. I am not, however, thrilled with myself for giving him yet another advantage to use against me. Honestly, he had probably already figured out that I am ridiculously attracted to him, and I’m sure he’ll use that to his advantage when he can.

Trying to tamp down on all the emotion and tension swirling between us, I adjust the straps on my bikini top before settling down onto my towel covered chair. I can feel Nathan’s gaze on me, so I glance up at him, lifting a brow inquiringly.

“You need some sunscreen, baby,” he notes matter-of-factly, holding up the tube. “And I’ll probably need some, too.” I shiver at the mere thought of running my hands down his back and the imagined feel of his on me. “At least let’s get each other’s backs.”

“You’re incorrigible,” I glare at him, pushing out of my chair. “Let’s just get this over with, yeah?”

He has the gall to laugh before reaching out and wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me off of my feet, holding tighter as I squirm to get away. I give up quickly enough and let myself relax in his arms. It feels nothing short of spectacular to be in his arms fully clothed, so this is beyond heavenly. “I know you feel how good this is, how good we are. Don’t fight it, baby.”

I squeeze my eyes shut as I wish desperately that I could block all of this out. Because he is right. I feel it, and I love it in spite of myself. “It’s just hormones,” I suggest weakly, admitting to what we both already know. “No one is acting on anything, okay? I mean it, I’m not sleeping with you, Nathan. Things are plenty complicated in both our lives as it is, and that would be one more distraction that I cannot handle now.”

“You know that I don’t just want to sleep with you, Haley. I want all of you, and I want you to want that, too. Yeah, I know it isn’t an easy situation, and I’m fully aware that you have little to no reason to trust me, but Hales, I won’t give you a reason for that to be the case ever again. I’m here for you, and you can trust in that. I’ll prove that to you.”

“Nathan,” I mutter in response, my eyes sliding shut as I bring my arms up to wrap around his neck. “Nathan, I - I can’t do this just because it feels good. I can’t. Even if it didn’t scare the hell out of me, I have too much to worry about right now. I have school and work and God, Karen. Plus, Peyt is gone, and now she and Luke will never be here with me and I’m all alone.”

Horrified at the way my floodgates have just opened, I try to choke back the sob that bubbles up. He sets me back on me feet, crouching to wrap himself more fully around me. Instead of fighting him, I burrow closer to him, soaking up the comfort he is offering. “It’s okay, baby,” he whispers soothingly, holding me tightly in his arms. “Karen’s going to be fine. And you? You’re a rock star. You’re going to be amazing in med school. I don’t have a single, solitary doubt of that. You’ll be an amazing doctor. And work is work. You’ll be fine there, too.”

I bury my face in his neck even as I shake my head in denial. “I’m scared, Nathan. I’m so scared that everything is going to fall apart, more than it already has, and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.”

“I know,” he croons softly, stroking a big hand over my hair and down my back. “It’s okay to be scared, baby. It’s normal, right? Isn’t that what you told me? It’s okay.” He eases us down to the blanket, pulling me sideways onto his lap and hugging me to him. I twist enough to wrap my arms around him, drawing such comfort from being in his arms that I do not bother to try and pull away. “Karen is strong, and she has a lot to fight for. A lot worth holding on to.”

“Yeah,” I agree, futilely swiping at the tears falling from my eyes, “But it’s cancer, Nathan! Determination and fight and warm, fuzzy feelings don’t always win against cancer! If - if she gets worse, then I’m going to need to be there. What does that do to school? And work? I don’ know what I’m supposed to do, and that scares the hell out of me.”

He is quiet for a few moments, but I continue to take comfort in the strength of his arms and the feel of his warm skin against mine. “Well,” he begins, clearing his throat, “I guess you have a few choices. You can keep going the way you’re going, which doesn’t seem like a great option. You can resign yourself to the fact that you have responsibilities and ties here, and that you won’t be able to be there for Karen whenever you think she needs you. Or…”

“Or?” I press, knowing what he’s going to say, but somehow needing to hear him say it anyway.

“Or you move back to North Carolina, maybe not Tree Hill, but close, and go to school, work, and be near Karen and Peyton and Luke all at once.” He pauses, leaning back to look me in the eye. “I’m not just saying that because it would be in my best interest, although I’m not going to deny that it would. I honestly think it would be in your best interest, too. You’d be able to be there for Karen, part of her immediate support system, and you’d have your support system, too.”

There it is. What I have been dancing around ever since I found out Karen was sick. It has been right here, all along, and there really isn’t any denying it. It’s there now, on the table, and I’m going to have to acknowledge and deal with it. Scooting off Nathan’s lap, I look up at him and nod. “It’s not that simple. You can’t just transfer med schools two months before school starts. And I - I don’t know. I don’t know if I can go back there.”

He nods, looking like he expected all of that. “Yeah, it’s not an easy choice, I know. And I really am sorry that it’s one you’re going to have to make. That isn’t fair, and it isn’t right, but there it is. I won’t tell you what to do, Hales. You’ll make the right decision, and you don’t need my help figuring it out.”

He thinks I can manage to make the right decision in all this? Well, at least someone has that confidence in my abilities. I certainly see no reason to have faith in them. I can’t even make up my mind if I want to even consider that I have options, let alone specifically consider these options. Shaking my head, I bring my hands up to my face, angrily swiping at the tears streaming down my face. “God, I’m being such a baby.”

“Ah, hell, Haley, no you aren’t. Your whole world has been shaken around like a snow globe this last week. I don’t think you’ve been nearly as emotional about it as you’re entitled to,” he tries to assure me, reaching out and wrapping his arms around me. “You’re being really great about this. That’s why it’d be so great for Karen if - “

He cuts himself off before he could say it, but we both know what he was going to say. “If I was there permanently again.” Looking a little sheepish, he nods. “I’ve been living my life like I wouldn’t have to go back there. I hadn’t planned on it, I didn’t want to, and now it’s like I have to, and I hate that, I hate having that pressure on me. And then I feel guilty because I really don’t want to be there, but I should be there because I know Karen could use me there. And Luke! God, I know Peyton and the guys are there for him, but he needs me, too. Even Peyton needs me. I could help at the café so Karen wouldn’t feel like she needed to be there, and I - what would I do about school, Nathan? There’s no way I’m getting in somewhere else on such short notice. It’s impossible.”

Tightening his grasp on me, he sighs into my ear. “Things have a way of working themselves out, Hales. I know it probably doesn’t seem like that’s true, but if you went home, I think the school thing would sort itself out. I hear Duke has a good med school.”

I roll my eyes at that. “Yeah, like I want to go to the school that treated you that way. No thank you, Nathan.” Before he can protest, I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter how great their program is; I can’t get in now. I’d have to wait at least a semester, if not until next fall. That’d put me a year behind, and…I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want to wait.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” he agrees, and hearing that actually makes me feel better. “And Haley, if staying here and going to school and maybe visiting Tree Hill on long weekends and holidays is what you choose, that’s okay. You know that, right? No one expects different from you.”

“Yes, they do. You all do, Nathan. And that’s okay, I get it. I get that Tree Hill is probably where I’m needed now. I just don’t like it.”

He shakes his head, leaning back to stare intently at me. “That’s not true. I want you back with me in Tree Hill with everything that I am, but I don’t expect it. Neither does anyone else, baby. We all want what is best for you. Now, at this point would I say it is in your best interest to come home? Yeah, maybe I would, but only because I know how it is tearing you up inside to be here away from everyone. But do I expect you to do what I think you should? Of course not.”

Feeling deflated, defeated, de-somethinged, I flop backwards onto the blanket tiredly. “I should just flip a coin, I guess,” I state flatly. “That would be the easiest way to do it. There’s too much emotion involved in this to make a rational, logical decision, so why should I bother trying, right?”

Nathan lowers himself to his side, his head propped up on his elbow as he looks at me. “It’ll be fine, Haley. You’re going to make your decision like a big girl, and everything will be fine,” he smirks, the gentle teasing actually a pleasant turn in the conversation. He reaches out, brushing some of my hair behind my ear. “Come on, let’s go get our feet wet. I’m not coming to the beach in California without going into the water, you know?”

“Yeah, okay,” I agree, deciding to let him distract me now. And he is right, in what he is saying without words. No good can come of me brooding over this today. Deciding to let it go for now, I climb to my feet and follow him towards the water. Maybe the ocean can wash away some of my problems for me, if nothing else can.

The water is warm and pleasant, and to my surprise, Nathan just stands beside me as I gaze out at the water sparkling where the sun hit it. It really is a beautiful day, but I still feel cold on the inside. I want to lash out at something, someone, and I have the perfect target standing next to me, but I can’t. So I just stand here, completely helpless, lost, and undecided.

I want to believe what he said, that it will be okay and that I will figure out the right thing to do, but I just can’t. I don’t.