[drabble] Fall and Fall Again
Title: Fall and Fall Again
Author: Luna (dreamweavernyx )
Pairing: Okayama (one-sided), Okajima
Genre: Hurt
Notes: Request for Eri (littlemelonblue ) and Jess (hotfruits ).
Yamada's point of view.
Contains minor reference to Happy, but it's okay not to read that first.
~
The door creaks open, and you look up to see a familiar face peeking in from behind the dressing-room door.
A chorus of Good mornings echo throughout the room as the other members acknowledge his presence. He smiles back, and heads to where you are sitting, quietly reading the latest volume of your favourite manga.
“Morning, Yama-chan,” he says, his voice warm and smoky like always.
It’s the voice that’s been haunting you in your dreams night after night, making you wake up abruptly at ungodly hours of night with heavy feelings of loss weighing down your heart.
Of course, you don’t tell him that.
“Morning,” you say quietly in return, and he nods and moves away.
Perhaps it’s not so much a matter of whether you do tell him, but rather the fact that you can’t.
The door slams open again, and you see your fellow band mate bounce in happily.
“Good morning!” he shrieks for the whole room to hear, then without bothering to even place down his bag or remove his baseball cap, skips over and envelops the person you’ve secretly been sneaking looks at in a bony hug.
“Yuto, we’re in the dressing-room,” he says dryly, slightly awkwardly.
Yuto only laughs, and hugs harder, grinning as he gets hugged back.
You watch from the sidelines as the lovey-dovey pair get told off (“Geez, Keito! Get a room, for Pocky’s sake.” “You’re just jealous, Dai~chan~!” “Shut up, Yuto!”) and collapse into giggles as they separate.
It’s a daily routine, and you begin to wonder exactly why you haven’t given up yet, because it’s pretty obvious Keito’s giving his affections to another, and has his feelings returned.
How much longer are you going to be able to keep loving Keito from a distance?
You’d overheard Hikaru trying to talk to Takaki once, hidden in the clinging shadows of the corridor at night. Takaki was in the same situation as you - he’d been crushing on Yabu, who had confessed his feelings for Inoo.
“If you truly love someone, as long as they’re happy, that’s all that matters,” Hikaru had said to comfort Takaki, in a rare moment of deep insightfulness.
Listening quietly, you’d taken the advice to try and heal your own heart, already decorated with a spiderweb of thin fissures.
But how much longer can you hold on?
It’s hurting you inside, and you know it. You can’t even look at Keito now without that painful twinge on your heartstrings and the strange sensation of wanting to burst into tears in a dark lonely corner somewhere in an abandoned toilet cubicle.
But at the same time, you know your heart will break completely the moment you give up. Hope, hope that perhaps you might still have a chance is the only thing holding together the fragmented pieces of your crystal-delicate heart, and letting go will cause the smithereens and shards to fall away.
You can’t go any deeper, yet you’ve been sunk too deep to escape from the tangled net of emotions, and probably the easiest solution is just to simply internalize it all.
Yuto’s random and frequent proclamations of love probably don’t help much in the process, either.
“Keito is definitely the best guitarist ever!”
A timely yell pulls you out of your brooding, and you look up to see Yuto arguing with Hikaru and Inoo about whose guitar (or bass) skills are better.
Keito groans, but he smiles anyway, as Yuto launches into his new-and-improved Keito is always the Best speech.
You melt slightly at that smile, the smile that you’ve always wanted directed at you, the smile that can disassemble all the barriers around your fragile heart in seconds.
You can feel another crack beginning to form, creeping its way out of the net and branching into an area relatively untouched by cracks.
And suddenly, you realize you don’t care anymore.
Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that you’ll eventually have to come to terms with the fact that Keito will never return your feelings, no matter how much you hope or how many thousands of paper cranes you fold, fingers forming blisters from frenzied paper-creasing.
The rest of the world melts away - as it often does - and it’s only you and Keito there, and suddenly, everything’s okay.
It doesn’t matter anymore that he’s completely and totally in love with someone else, it doesn’t matter that your heart’s already almost at breaking point as it is, it doesn’t matter how much it will hurt you to keep this up.
Because at this moment it’s only you and him in the world, and that’s all that matters.
The rational little voice at the back of your head tries to warn you that you’ll eventually break completely and slip into insanity, but you ignore it completely.
Break?
You’re probably already more broken than you think you are.
So much so that you can’t think straight anymore, even at the mere sight of Keito, a couple of armlengths away from you.
But in this brief moment, you realize you don’t mind. That despite all the pain and heartbreak, you’d fall for him all over again.
Break me, you suddenly want to irrationally say, more than you already have.
So that I will fall for you over again.
So that I may fall and fall again.