This is me
This is a long post. Its about me and my life and people. Its about 10 minutes of reading. So read if you want.
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to die. It’s the only thing that is permanent. I think about sex a lot. And I think about sexuality. What’s so different about loving a girl than loving a guy? I really don’t give a fuck if people start questioning my sexuality I just wonder why we all think we need to be straight. I’m reading a book about living with gay parents, or gay friends, or even being gay yourself. It should be interesting. I wonder how people know they are in love. What’s the difference between love and obsession? And what is the big deal about having sex? Why do some people think its gross to masturbate and what is so odd about porn. Better yet why am I thinking about this? I think I’m crazy. I think some had been wrong with me since forever.
I’ve always had blue eyes. And like any little kid I had that special toy- her name was Elle. She was a neon elephant. I got her when I was 2 and a half. We were at a circus and I remember this night so well, for some reason. I was there with my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins- Gerard and Matt. Gerard was around my age- younger though. And Matt was still a baby. My brothers, my parents and I went to the gift shop. My brothers- James who was about six and Jason who was about for- got swords of red and blue. The blade was red and resembled fire and the bottom was blue which was ice. I wanted that neon elephant with a pink body and bright yellow hooves and ears. But no my mother told me I would be happier with the monkey. She told me to get he blue monkey with green hands. I wanted that elephant and I got her. My dad carried me out to the car and asked me what I had named her. I told him “Elle”. So he put me in the car- it was dark out and we were in the city. That night I feel asleep in the car with Elle under my arms.
She was my best friend for as long as I can remember. I cried on her, I told her about my day, I told her how I didn’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fought. I remember when I kissed Jason’s ninja turtle- he slammed Elle into a cot breaking one of her eyes. We replaced it and now her eyes don’t match. I remember she always had holes that my mother would fix. And I remember when James opened a tattoo parlor for stuffed animals- I bought him Elle. He gave her a peace sign on her stomach. O boy, did my mother get mad. She was furious. And she had to wash Elle and all the other toys.
I bought Elle to the first day of pre-school; I didn’t want to be alone. But I met Sammy- ever so nice she was. But she couldn’t replace Elle- she couldn’t listen like that elephant did. No one ever could. But Sammy was my first real friend.
I remember there was a teddy bear picnic where all the children’s teddy bears would eat a pb&j sandwich and then sleep over. They made an exception for Elle- being that she was an elephant. But I couldn’t have let her stay the night. I worried about her too much. I couldn’t bare to spend a night without her. I was dependent on her. I needed her.
Now- I know its jumping ahead a little- but in second grade I met Samantha. I know its terrible but I can’t remember her last name. She was amazing. She had the tannest most beautiful skin and big innocent brown eyes and wavy long brown hair. We would joke about Hush Puppies and how it was a funny name for a shoe and how cute the little dogs were. We’d look at each other and say “Hush Puppies” very quietly. She was amazing to me and I loved her. But I had to move away. Not far away- but to a new house a new school and newer place. And once I left that house- I changed and I left a lot behind.
I stopped being utterly psychotic and screaming things for no reason- and I dropped the multiple personalities I had to express emotion. But most of all I stopped sleeping with Elle under my arms. As much as I tried to hide it- I still needed her- regardless of how old I was which I was only 7.
In third grade I met a whole bunch of new people. I met Kristin. Now Kristin and I weren’t best friends in third grade but I held on to her all these years so I knew she meant something. Kristin never failed to make me laugh and she knows so much about me. She’s my flying rat and I’m her flying frog. Sometimes you meet those people you know you will need and I met Kristin. We still joke about how third grade was great and how we met the loves of our lives (Jimmy Battle and Joe “The Black Kid” hah.) I’m truly lost without her and my life wouldn’t have been complete without 3rd grade… or her.
Forth grade rolled along. I met a lot of new people. I remember we joked about how it was like this was our own little family and I still have the pictures. I remember Susie would call me and talk for hours. God Frankie loved her. He would ask me to “hook them up”. Hah we were all so young and so giddy and happy. Or that’s how it always seemed. But I wished I lived in Carmel and I wished I needed that elephant and I wished it was still okay to need her.
In fifth grade I met Caitlyn. God- I could go on and on about how fantastic she is. I could go on forever about the time we got married- or the time we made fools of ourselves at lunch- or about spraying guys with perfume- or even about how I met her. But all I need to say is I love her. And she is the best friend anyone will ever need- and I’m not sure why- but she’s mine. She’s my best friend.
That summer I met Kenny Gilberg. And what a summer it was. We met on line- although I do think I saw him around school. We talked about a lot of thing- pretty much everything. It continued into sixth grade. And for some reason we had a joke about muffins. I made a screen name “Muffin4190” and his was “Muffinboy12”. I also remember I had a screen name that began with “JK” as in Jess and Kenny. He listened to me and told me things. I really thought we would be best friends forever. But he broke one lousy promise that broke my heart. And I wanted him to be mine and only mine. He was my best friend and no one was going to take him. But I ruined it. All because I needed him and he just didn’t need me. I don’t know if he knows because I never got a chance to tell him, but he meant everything to me and I miss him a lot. I miss how we used to talk about everything and I miss how close we were. I don’t think he missed me. Maybe because I’m the one who ruined things and I’m the one who deserves to be in pain. I’m the one who should miss him and I’m the one who should feel terrible. But I knew when I met him I didn’t need that fucking elephant because I had some one real who I could cry to, who would listen to me and some one real who would care.
In seventh grade Kenny was all I could think about. All I could think about is how badly I missed him and how he used to be my friend. In seventh grade I lost a lot of friends, we went our separate ways you could say. I went anorexic for a while. I’d make up excused, oh how I was good at that. I tried to hang myself with a clothes hanger- but then I realized how stupid I was being. And then I met Mark and I realized it was all just beginning.
He made me so happy and he knew just how to make me laugh- how to make me smile. But he was driving me crazy. I never knew if he felt the same about me. I’d stay up thinking- wondering what he was thinking. Wondering if he was staying up all night thinking about me. I’d wish upon stars hoping he was wishing on that same star. So I told him how I felt. He really liked me- as a best friend. What else was new? I became obsessed. I’d cry myself to sleep and dream about his happiness with other people. No one believed me when I said I loved him. I insisted that they didn’t understand- I was so alone and so lonely- no body knew. I couldn’t just fucking get over it. I fucking loved him. I swear to you I was so alone and so in love. And then bam- Martha left…
Eight grade came- this year. And I told him I loved him. I wrote him a letter. It took me all summer but I did it- I came up with the perfect letter that told him I loved him. He didn’t respond and we hardly ever talked. I cut “PAIN” down my finger with a knife once. And tried to get high off glue- but that didn’t work. I needed to get him out of my mind. I was ready to rip my eyes out to stop the tears. I cut my wrist with the thing that tears the tape. It didn’t hurt and I only did it once. And for those people who asked- I told them my cat scratched me. I finally got over Mark by telling myself I hated him and I hated love. I wrote help on my ankle with paper. I made paper cuts that made the letters- it didn’t stay for long.
When I think about Kenny and Mark- I cry. Because this time I know I am what is wrong and I am what the problem is. And I miss the way they could convince me I was wrong about that.
There will always be a part of me that loves Mark and will hold on to loving him until forever ends. And of course there is a part of my heart that needs Kenny still and wants him to be my friend again. I’ll always miss him and I’ll always remember him. And I’ll always cry when I think of him because it’s all my fault.
Lately I feel so alone. Wondering when I belong and how I can get there. I know I want to live but sometimes I wish I were dead. Sometimes I hate living and I hate everything.
I hate myself more than I could hate anyone. I hate being me. I hate the way I treat people. I hate the way I can be so mean. I hate the way I’m always lying. I hate the way I’m always me. I hate me so fucking much.
I lost Elle. That’s why I wrote all this to prove I can do nothing but screw up. She was there for me and I don’t care if I sound crazy- but I lost my best friend. I know she can’t truly feel but it is as if everything she should feel I feel. It’s actually sad that a neon pink elephant is a metaphor of my life. Everything she feels now that I left her I feel. She’s alone and probably scared. She probably feels rejected like the whole world is against her. She probably wishes we were little again. She feels how… I feel.
I feel so alone now and I’m so scared- I don’t know how to cope. I’m not good enough- I was just your toy and now I’m stored somewhere dusty in your memory. Everyone is out to break me. I wish I were 4 and it was just me and Elle. And I didn’t know what loosing a best friend was like- what a true fight was like- what loves was- what pain was- and how it feels to be alone.
Just me and Elle. No parents to fight. No Sammy to be the first. No Samantha for me to leave behind. No Kristin to be too good to me. No Caitlyn to be the best of the best. No Kenny so I can’t ruin everything. No Martha to move. And no Mark to break my heart.
No one to show me what life is all about. Just me and that elephant- our own little world.
I guess I wrote all of this for you to know I have a lot of growing up to do and I need as much help as your willing to give. I’m so dependent and all I need to know is that you’ll help me let go and help me grow up.
I’ve told you everything you need to know. And I’m giving up. I’m done impressing you. You know everything. Take it or leave it. This is who I am. You don’t need to like it or accept it- you just need to know. This is me- confused, lonely and desperate. Let me know if you understand and let me know if you care. And if you don’t- let me know.
Because this is me. You don’t have to like it- I don’t. But I accept it.
And now I leave you wondering what else is in store and I leave you wanted to run to that place in your wind where you cry your pitiful tears. I’m sorry.