sleep until the walls come crumbling down.
Figures I haven't updated for months, and the only thing I want to write about is... Well...
Okay, I'll admit it. I'll stop lying to myself.
I need help.
I really, really need help.
I can't ignore this anymore, how horrible I feel every single day. After years and years of dealing with it, loneliness is just getting too much for me to deal with. I haven't done half the things most people my age have, and it's... I can't really take feeling so distanced much longer. I've pretty much dug myself a hole that I can't get out of.
Too afraid to talk to people, so telling me to just go out there and make friends with random people is pretty much null. It goes right over my head how people can do this. I just freeze up and automatically feel that I'm not good enough. Why would they want to talk to me? I'm not interesting. Unemployed, out of school, haven't left the house in weeks. Who's fault is that? My personality is down right grating. It's like I'm a cardboard cut-out with all the most blatant stereotypes slapped right on (except the part where I don't live in a basement). Being introverted is literally killing me. Hell, I can't even IM people I know online because I'm too afraid (so afraid that I'll say something wrong, that they don't want to talk to me, that they aren't in the mood, that I'm just annoying them with my endless banter about nothing). Pretty sad, huh?
It's so hard to deal with having no friends to hang out with in real life. As I grow older and older, the feeling just grows to be more intense. I don't know how some people do it. It disgusts me how jealous and depressed I get when the people I know online talk about hanging out with friends. Every mention of it makes me shut down for the longest time. I'm having more and more difficulty pulling myself out of feeling that way. It isn't healthy and I know it isn't, but I can't stop. I want them to be able to talk about their day with me and share their lives. If I react like this, though, where will it get me?
Then again, I sit here and think, even if I did go and seek some sort of help... What good will it do? I'll come out not feeling like taking my life is the only answer to this, but I'll still have no one. (And it'd probably cost too much money. Everything always does.)
I just need out. I need out I need out I need out I need out I need out I need out I could go on typing this forever, all the while wishing I hadn't fucked up every opportunity I've ever had, digging this hole deeper and deeper. I just want out and away from my parents. I need this more than anything.
I'm clinging onto nothing, here. My will to live is next to nothing (I'm living for, well, a person online and roleplaying and everything that's really not healthy).
How am I supposed to talk to my parents about this? As much as I love them and adore them for everything they've ever given me, the approach they take to my problems is, frankly, disheartening. They always just guilt trip me into feeling otherwise. They always tell me that I don't have problems or that I shouldn't even be feeling them. My dad still swears that I'm over exaggerating when it comes to my health problems. If I tell them that I really need help, what will they say? Years ago, when I was still an idiotic teenager, I told them time after time after time that I was unhappy. Very unhappy. How many nights did I spend in their room, crying my eyes out? And what did they do? Just tell me again and again that I have nothing to feel unhappy about. The minute my sister cries wolf, though, they were at her ever beck and call. I just know that if I so much as breathe a word of my problems to me, all they'll say is "you can solve them in Houston! :D" while ignoring just how I really feel. Houston offers nothing for me but an even deeper pit that I'll be digging myself.
School costs too much. My social anxiety's raised to a level that getting a job is far more difficult than it should be. Then again, am I using my parents as a crutch? If I get out of here and actually have people, would it help? Would my self-confidence raise?
Excuses excuses excuses.
How do I save myself this time?
Ugghhh brb wallowing in obvious melodrama. Go ahead and yell at me, I guess. Any advice ever given to me just seems to go right over my head, and for that, I'm really sorry. I guess I'm just too stubborn or too miserable to really take it in. If you've given up on me by now, I won't blame you.
And, self? You won't delete this entry, because the truth needs to get out there. You need to stop lying to yourself... And this is the only way you'll feel comfortable. Burdening friends just... You know you can't do it. This is too heavy.
I need away so badly, but I don't know how and who to turn to. And where will $700 get me, anyway? I'm willing to sell anything and everything of mine just to get out of here, even if it's only temporarily. I have my own bank account, I have a driver's license, I may have a car. I just need away. Now. I'm really afraid of what will happen, otherwise.
Okay, I'll admit it. I'll stop lying to myself.
I need help.
I really, really need help.
I can't ignore this anymore, how horrible I feel every single day. After years and years of dealing with it, loneliness is just getting too much for me to deal with. I haven't done half the things most people my age have, and it's... I can't really take feeling so distanced much longer. I've pretty much dug myself a hole that I can't get out of.
Too afraid to talk to people, so telling me to just go out there and make friends with random people is pretty much null. It goes right over my head how people can do this. I just freeze up and automatically feel that I'm not good enough. Why would they want to talk to me? I'm not interesting. Unemployed, out of school, haven't left the house in weeks. Who's fault is that? My personality is down right grating. It's like I'm a cardboard cut-out with all the most blatant stereotypes slapped right on (except the part where I don't live in a basement). Being introverted is literally killing me. Hell, I can't even IM people I know online because I'm too afraid (so afraid that I'll say something wrong, that they don't want to talk to me, that they aren't in the mood, that I'm just annoying them with my endless banter about nothing). Pretty sad, huh?
It's so hard to deal with having no friends to hang out with in real life. As I grow older and older, the feeling just grows to be more intense. I don't know how some people do it. It disgusts me how jealous and depressed I get when the people I know online talk about hanging out with friends. Every mention of it makes me shut down for the longest time. I'm having more and more difficulty pulling myself out of feeling that way. It isn't healthy and I know it isn't, but I can't stop. I want them to be able to talk about their day with me and share their lives. If I react like this, though, where will it get me?
Then again, I sit here and think, even if I did go and seek some sort of help... What good will it do? I'll come out not feeling like taking my life is the only answer to this, but I'll still have no one. (And it'd probably cost too much money. Everything always does.)
I just need out. I need out I need out I need out I need out I need out I need out I could go on typing this forever, all the while wishing I hadn't fucked up every opportunity I've ever had, digging this hole deeper and deeper. I just want out and away from my parents. I need this more than anything.
I'm clinging onto nothing, here. My will to live is next to nothing (I'm living for, well, a person online and roleplaying and everything that's really not healthy).
How am I supposed to talk to my parents about this? As much as I love them and adore them for everything they've ever given me, the approach they take to my problems is, frankly, disheartening. They always just guilt trip me into feeling otherwise. They always tell me that I don't have problems or that I shouldn't even be feeling them. My dad still swears that I'm over exaggerating when it comes to my health problems. If I tell them that I really need help, what will they say? Years ago, when I was still an idiotic teenager, I told them time after time after time that I was unhappy. Very unhappy. How many nights did I spend in their room, crying my eyes out? And what did they do? Just tell me again and again that I have nothing to feel unhappy about. The minute my sister cries wolf, though, they were at her ever beck and call. I just know that if I so much as breathe a word of my problems to me, all they'll say is "you can solve them in Houston! :D" while ignoring just how I really feel. Houston offers nothing for me but an even deeper pit that I'll be digging myself.
School costs too much. My social anxiety's raised to a level that getting a job is far more difficult than it should be. Then again, am I using my parents as a crutch? If I get out of here and actually have people, would it help? Would my self-confidence raise?
Excuses excuses excuses.
How do I save myself this time?
Ugghhh brb wallowing in obvious melodrama. Go ahead and yell at me, I guess. Any advice ever given to me just seems to go right over my head, and for that, I'm really sorry. I guess I'm just too stubborn or too miserable to really take it in. If you've given up on me by now, I won't blame you.
And, self? You won't delete this entry, because the truth needs to get out there. You need to stop lying to yourself... And this is the only way you'll feel comfortable. Burdening friends just... You know you can't do it. This is too heavy.
I need away so badly, but I don't know how and who to turn to. And where will $700 get me, anyway? I'm willing to sell anything and everything of mine just to get out of here, even if it's only temporarily. I have my own bank account, I have a driver's license, I may have a car. I just need away. Now. I'm really afraid of what will happen, otherwise.