See What You Make of This
First a story, a little Graduation YOU NEED TO HANDLE THE SITUATION!!
That's sarcasm, by the way. It's... fake freaking out. But seriously. That's totally unfair. I mean, why is he named Tristan and I'm named Chase? Tristan is such a cooler name.
Oh yeah, and the kot business. That really, really sucks. Why does his dad want to kick you out? As long as you pay that should be cool, right? They're actually making revenue that way. If anything they could up the rent by a few Euros (not a lot... just, like... E20, maybe), and make it worth their while, right? That would be fair. I dunno. I totally wouldn't care if I were Tristan's dad. I'd be like "Let me meet them and see if they're going to completely destroy the place, and if I deem them worthy to live there then that's fine."
And I just realized something. Kot sounds like the English word "cot," which is a small bed that can be packed and unpacked much like a sleeping bag, but actually has a frame that folds and unfolds so you're not sleeping on the floor. In a way that's very similar to a "kot": a small apartment that is easily accessible, but is only the bare minimum for what actual people usually live in. See? Many parallels in language.
Smirnoff is awsome. Vodka is definitely my favorite alcohol, even above rum, gin and beer, which we also had. Someone had a case of little Smirnoff bottled drinks, too, that tasted like raspberries. They were totally chick drinks, but they tasted SO good. I downed a few. I was drunk OFF MY ASS!
Oh god, and I called Michael. It was what we call a "drunk dial." The best part was that he was like "Hey, you want me to come over there?" and I was like "If you want!" and he was like "Sure, because I don't want to stay at this hotel. Where are you?" So I told him the hotel we were in and he was totally going to get a ride. At first he was like "Okay, I'll drive myself. I've only had 1 beer. You think I can drive with one beer in me?" and I was like "Honey, you're fine with one beer. Eat some chips if it'll help convince yourself." But then, around 12, he called again and was like "I'm going to stay here a little longer. What's the latest you think I can come over?" and I was like "Whatever time you want to get here is fine" so he bumped it up to around 3. At 3:30 I get this message left on my phone (because I passed out temporarily when my friend started crying in a drunk stupor) and it's like "Hey Chase... I really want to come over there but I don't know if you are conscious and I don't want to sleep outside all night. So call me back." I woke up later to the phone ringing and I answered it and we talked, and he said his ride JUST left, and he couldn't come over.
DAMNIT, Davy. I was SO close to getting some ass. That is TOTALLY the only reason he wanted to come to my hotel at all. Oh my god, but it gets so much better.
All of a sudden he hit me with this question: "Do you still like me?" and I was like "Well, yeah. It doesn't just go away." And he was like "*sigh* Why? I don't like you that way... I'm in love with JJ."
KA-POW! Ouchies.
And so I was like "I know, but I can't just make my feelings for you disappear with the snap of my fingers." and he was like "You just like me physically. I mean, I don't really even know you. And I had sex with JJ last night and it was so amazing. It was so different." and I was just like "Does JJ love you back?" He never answered the question. I hate it when people tell me how I feel. He does not know. And honestly, I know for a fact that JJ is just using Michael, but I can't bare to break his heart like that. It doesn't need to come from me, either, because it'll seem like I'm purposely telling him that just to get him away from JJ. In any case, whenever I would ask that question he would keep rambling. He kept telling me why I liked him and why it was for all the wrong reasons, and at one point I was just like "Michael. I tell myself that I don't like you all the time. I tell myself that I don't need to have feelings for you. But then I have to face you. I have to look at you, and be around you, and see your smile and listen to your voice, and talk to you, and it's just completely FUTILE for me to try to not be in love with you. I'm totally in love with you." And I don't think he heard me. I don't think he heard any of that.
And he ended the conversation with "Look, some people are here and I think they have some pot, so I'm going to let you go." and I was like "No. You can't go. You need to stay." And he was like "My phone's going to die! I need to go. If I miss out on some pot, I'm never going to forgive you." and I was like "I don't care! I'll kill you!" And then he said "We need to continue this conversation when we're sober." And I agreed. I let him go. It turns out there wasn't any pot, though. :P I never thought I'd have that conversation with him. Not like that. I thought that, if anything, he wouldn't bring it up at all and would just make out/have sex with me and never breathe a word about it, whether he liked me or not.
---
Okay, and now I just got back from lunch with him (because he called me right in the midst of writing this, fancy that!) I love spending time with him. I love getting to know him. I never know... him. I know little things, but he never really shows me himself. Nevertheless, I love being around him. I'm in a dilemma. It really sucks. It's funny, too, because I can talk to him just fine and be calm and collected, but I can't look at him. When I look at him, and when he looks back at me, I get this exposed feeling. His eyes are a dark, deep brown, and they just look... like they're constantly searching for something. And I feel like I have it, that I could show whatever it is he's looking for to him, but to do that I have to completely expose myself and put myself at his mercy. And the last time I did that, he didn't want me.
And we're affectionate in these subtle, more-than-a-friend-less-than-a-lover kind of ways. Just... the way we talk to each other. The way we act while around each other. The way we flirt with each other. It seems we both feel relaxed. We both speak easy, and free. We both laugh a lot, at anything, and have a good time. We're never negative unless we're making fun of each other in a playful way or complaining about something very unrelated. And we can't ever seem to bring ourselves back around to what really needs to be talked about: how we feel about each other. I'll try to bring it up he manages to slip away from it. Why? If he knows how he feels, why can't he talk about it? A lot of the time the only reason people don't want to talk about their feelings is not because it hurts them, but because they really don't know how they feel. And no matter what he says, every time I see him and talk to him... I get this feeling that his heart loves me, but his mind doesn't. And that is his problem. And whenever I feel that, I know I'm just being paranoid, but it motivates me to stick it out a little longer.
When he got to my house to pick me up and go to eat, I was wearing a black tanktop and khaki shorts. He walked to my front door, but I came out at the basement and walked around the house and wound up looking up at him. I said hi. He began walking around to meet me and I swear I saw him check me out. He got this strange, half-cocked smile on his face. I showed him in and gave him a short tour, and then he got a shower. And when he came out he wasn't wearing a shirt. And I just couldn't resist looking at his very attractive, pale skin. Like... very obviously. And he was asking me what he should do with his wet towel, but I couldn't tell him because I couldn't hear him. My mind was totally somewhere else. And when I finally came to and realized what he was saying, he just smiled and walked away.
What is this? Some kind of game? Does he not realize that he drives me crazy? Perhaps I am simply making more of a situation than is actually there.
And when we say goodbye, our hugs are pretty indicative of how we feel. And today's hug was long. And it was good. And I'm glad for all the time I have to spend with him. And I'm glad for all the joy he's brought to me, even though sadness was inevitably following.
:hug::hug::hug::hug:
I know this was really long. I hope you've had a good day. I'm sorry about the situation at the kot-- I hope that gets better.
I think you should have your party for 3 days. It would be awsome. You could just tell three different groups of people that you're having a party, and tell them three different consecutive times to come. And then you'd have new people every time. :D *hug* Love. story.
*note: This is a letter to my friend Davy that I thought could also serve as a good LJ post. Do not abuse it.
That's sarcasm, by the way. It's... fake freaking out. But seriously. That's totally unfair. I mean, why is he named Tristan and I'm named Chase? Tristan is such a cooler name.
Oh yeah, and the kot business. That really, really sucks. Why does his dad want to kick you out? As long as you pay that should be cool, right? They're actually making revenue that way. If anything they could up the rent by a few Euros (not a lot... just, like... E20, maybe), and make it worth their while, right? That would be fair. I dunno. I totally wouldn't care if I were Tristan's dad. I'd be like "Let me meet them and see if they're going to completely destroy the place, and if I deem them worthy to live there then that's fine."
And I just realized something. Kot sounds like the English word "cot," which is a small bed that can be packed and unpacked much like a sleeping bag, but actually has a frame that folds and unfolds so you're not sleeping on the floor. In a way that's very similar to a "kot": a small apartment that is easily accessible, but is only the bare minimum for what actual people usually live in. See? Many parallels in language.
Smirnoff is awsome. Vodka is definitely my favorite alcohol, even above rum, gin and beer, which we also had. Someone had a case of little Smirnoff bottled drinks, too, that tasted like raspberries. They were totally chick drinks, but they tasted SO good. I downed a few. I was drunk OFF MY ASS!
Oh god, and I called Michael. It was what we call a "drunk dial." The best part was that he was like "Hey, you want me to come over there?" and I was like "If you want!" and he was like "Sure, because I don't want to stay at this hotel. Where are you?" So I told him the hotel we were in and he was totally going to get a ride. At first he was like "Okay, I'll drive myself. I've only had 1 beer. You think I can drive with one beer in me?" and I was like "Honey, you're fine with one beer. Eat some chips if it'll help convince yourself." But then, around 12, he called again and was like "I'm going to stay here a little longer. What's the latest you think I can come over?" and I was like "Whatever time you want to get here is fine" so he bumped it up to around 3. At 3:30 I get this message left on my phone (because I passed out temporarily when my friend started crying in a drunk stupor) and it's like "Hey Chase... I really want to come over there but I don't know if you are conscious and I don't want to sleep outside all night. So call me back." I woke up later to the phone ringing and I answered it and we talked, and he said his ride JUST left, and he couldn't come over.
DAMNIT, Davy. I was SO close to getting some ass. That is TOTALLY the only reason he wanted to come to my hotel at all. Oh my god, but it gets so much better.
All of a sudden he hit me with this question: "Do you still like me?" and I was like "Well, yeah. It doesn't just go away." And he was like "*sigh* Why? I don't like you that way... I'm in love with JJ."
KA-POW! Ouchies.
And so I was like "I know, but I can't just make my feelings for you disappear with the snap of my fingers." and he was like "You just like me physically. I mean, I don't really even know you. And I had sex with JJ last night and it was so amazing. It was so different." and I was just like "Does JJ love you back?" He never answered the question. I hate it when people tell me how I feel. He does not know. And honestly, I know for a fact that JJ is just using Michael, but I can't bare to break his heart like that. It doesn't need to come from me, either, because it'll seem like I'm purposely telling him that just to get him away from JJ. In any case, whenever I would ask that question he would keep rambling. He kept telling me why I liked him and why it was for all the wrong reasons, and at one point I was just like "Michael. I tell myself that I don't like you all the time. I tell myself that I don't need to have feelings for you. But then I have to face you. I have to look at you, and be around you, and see your smile and listen to your voice, and talk to you, and it's just completely FUTILE for me to try to not be in love with you. I'm totally in love with you." And I don't think he heard me. I don't think he heard any of that.
And he ended the conversation with "Look, some people are here and I think they have some pot, so I'm going to let you go." and I was like "No. You can't go. You need to stay." And he was like "My phone's going to die! I need to go. If I miss out on some pot, I'm never going to forgive you." and I was like "I don't care! I'll kill you!" And then he said "We need to continue this conversation when we're sober." And I agreed. I let him go. It turns out there wasn't any pot, though. :P I never thought I'd have that conversation with him. Not like that. I thought that, if anything, he wouldn't bring it up at all and would just make out/have sex with me and never breathe a word about it, whether he liked me or not.
---
Okay, and now I just got back from lunch with him (because he called me right in the midst of writing this, fancy that!) I love spending time with him. I love getting to know him. I never know... him. I know little things, but he never really shows me himself. Nevertheless, I love being around him. I'm in a dilemma. It really sucks. It's funny, too, because I can talk to him just fine and be calm and collected, but I can't look at him. When I look at him, and when he looks back at me, I get this exposed feeling. His eyes are a dark, deep brown, and they just look... like they're constantly searching for something. And I feel like I have it, that I could show whatever it is he's looking for to him, but to do that I have to completely expose myself and put myself at his mercy. And the last time I did that, he didn't want me.
And we're affectionate in these subtle, more-than-a-friend-less-than-a-lover kind of ways. Just... the way we talk to each other. The way we act while around each other. The way we flirt with each other. It seems we both feel relaxed. We both speak easy, and free. We both laugh a lot, at anything, and have a good time. We're never negative unless we're making fun of each other in a playful way or complaining about something very unrelated. And we can't ever seem to bring ourselves back around to what really needs to be talked about: how we feel about each other. I'll try to bring it up he manages to slip away from it. Why? If he knows how he feels, why can't he talk about it? A lot of the time the only reason people don't want to talk about their feelings is not because it hurts them, but because they really don't know how they feel. And no matter what he says, every time I see him and talk to him... I get this feeling that his heart loves me, but his mind doesn't. And that is his problem. And whenever I feel that, I know I'm just being paranoid, but it motivates me to stick it out a little longer.
When he got to my house to pick me up and go to eat, I was wearing a black tanktop and khaki shorts. He walked to my front door, but I came out at the basement and walked around the house and wound up looking up at him. I said hi. He began walking around to meet me and I swear I saw him check me out. He got this strange, half-cocked smile on his face. I showed him in and gave him a short tour, and then he got a shower. And when he came out he wasn't wearing a shirt. And I just couldn't resist looking at his very attractive, pale skin. Like... very obviously. And he was asking me what he should do with his wet towel, but I couldn't tell him because I couldn't hear him. My mind was totally somewhere else. And when I finally came to and realized what he was saying, he just smiled and walked away.
What is this? Some kind of game? Does he not realize that he drives me crazy? Perhaps I am simply making more of a situation than is actually there.
And when we say goodbye, our hugs are pretty indicative of how we feel. And today's hug was long. And it was good. And I'm glad for all the time I have to spend with him. And I'm glad for all the joy he's brought to me, even though sadness was inevitably following.
:hug::hug::hug::hug:
I know this was really long. I hope you've had a good day. I'm sorry about the situation at the kot-- I hope that gets better.
I think you should have your party for 3 days. It would be awsome. You could just tell three different groups of people that you're having a party, and tell them three different consecutive times to come. And then you'd have new people every time. :D *hug* Love. story.
*note: This is a letter to my friend Davy that I thought could also serve as a good LJ post. Do not abuse it.