Difficult day
It's been a difficult 24 hours for me today. First, I finally acknowledge an undeniable fact that I have been ignoring for the past few months. Even if my husband makes a lot of money, him and I spend more than we make. Between my daughter's tuition, piano lessons, dance lessons, after school care ... Not to mention a mortgage, a friggin car payment (with the cost of additional car insurance), deposits to our daughter's college fund, our own retirement fund, life insurance, and of course the typical food and utility bills, there is just not enough. So goodbye to our movie channels (which I don't mind, really, because we have netflix and access to the internet). But what hurts me the most is that I have to give up my blackberry. We cannot afford for me to have a data plan. Granted, my work does not require me to have access to the internet 24-7. But it sure was nice. Who am I kidding. I LOVED IT! But yeah, goodbye to that luxury. Let alone being able to go clothes shopping or book-and-movie shopping on the web. I guess my husband and I just felt like ... well, since he had an increase in salary, we can afford to finally buy the stuff that we've always wanted! We didn't have to scrimp and save like we did in years' past. But then, we had to spend money on more important stuff too (like a new car for me since my old one died and an education for my daughter). So yeah, they all evened out and we're back to square one. Endpoint, we're still poor and living from paycheck to paycheck. Great.
Which makes me think about finally getting done with school and graduating in a year so I can finally contribute more to the family income and we can live comfortably. By comfortably, I don't mean have a Porsche in our driveway and a 10 bedroom mansion. I mean being able to go out to eat without worrying if we can afford it. Being able to buy items less than 50 dollars without having to check the budget/my check book to make sure we have the money to pay for it. We've lived like this for 6 years now. I figured we really need to get out of living like this. But then I look at the data I have collected and I see the amount of work that still needs to be done. It can be done in a year, if all the stars align. It's not the lack of work ethic that will derail my graduation. It is dependent by things that are beyond my control, like mice that won't mate and get pregnant. If I can artificially impregnate those suckers just so I can graduate I'd do so. But then our lab does not like spending money. So we do everything in the cheapest way (albeit sometimes the slowest and most inefficient way) possible. And I have a lab manager who is not willing to lift a finger to help me out in any way shape or form. While other grad students have someone doing the bitch work for them, I have to do it all by myself. Which is good in a way, I know what the heck went on during my experiments. But it sure it laborious and time consuming. And time is something I have very little of.
In addition, a lab mate of mine presented her data today. She has more data than I do, when in fact, in order to get that data, she used MY viruses. MY viruses that I worked so hard to make. And since she got neurons ready to be treated with viruses earlier than I did (since our lab manager helps her our since she is a senior scientist), she has used up all of my virus supplies. She has 4 data sets on that darn experiment, while I only have 1. One! From all of my hard work on those viruses. I would have had enough viruses for my experiments if I didn't have to share them. So now, I have to make more ... for me. Goddamn it all! Why the heck did I want to get a PhD in the first place? It's not as if I'll end up making tons of money after getting this degree. Far from it. There is NO money in academic research. You do it either for the glory of being able to discover something novel or for altruistic reasons, idealistic reasons about being able to help mankind and all that shit.
At the end of the day, I know I am luckier than most people in the world, and I acknowledge that. I guess I just have to put it in writing to get it out of my system and get a fresh perspective on it. But it's one of those days when I feel like the entire world is against me and I am all alone. And all I want to do is give up and lay down and die. I am tired of struggling. But I guess, if I feel pain, if I struggle, that means I am still alive. And that is a good thing.
Which makes me think about finally getting done with school and graduating in a year so I can finally contribute more to the family income and we can live comfortably. By comfortably, I don't mean have a Porsche in our driveway and a 10 bedroom mansion. I mean being able to go out to eat without worrying if we can afford it. Being able to buy items less than 50 dollars without having to check the budget/my check book to make sure we have the money to pay for it. We've lived like this for 6 years now. I figured we really need to get out of living like this. But then I look at the data I have collected and I see the amount of work that still needs to be done. It can be done in a year, if all the stars align. It's not the lack of work ethic that will derail my graduation. It is dependent by things that are beyond my control, like mice that won't mate and get pregnant. If I can artificially impregnate those suckers just so I can graduate I'd do so. But then our lab does not like spending money. So we do everything in the cheapest way (albeit sometimes the slowest and most inefficient way) possible. And I have a lab manager who is not willing to lift a finger to help me out in any way shape or form. While other grad students have someone doing the bitch work for them, I have to do it all by myself. Which is good in a way, I know what the heck went on during my experiments. But it sure it laborious and time consuming. And time is something I have very little of.
In addition, a lab mate of mine presented her data today. She has more data than I do, when in fact, in order to get that data, she used MY viruses. MY viruses that I worked so hard to make. And since she got neurons ready to be treated with viruses earlier than I did (since our lab manager helps her our since she is a senior scientist), she has used up all of my virus supplies. She has 4 data sets on that darn experiment, while I only have 1. One! From all of my hard work on those viruses. I would have had enough viruses for my experiments if I didn't have to share them. So now, I have to make more ... for me. Goddamn it all! Why the heck did I want to get a PhD in the first place? It's not as if I'll end up making tons of money after getting this degree. Far from it. There is NO money in academic research. You do it either for the glory of being able to discover something novel or for altruistic reasons, idealistic reasons about being able to help mankind and all that shit.
At the end of the day, I know I am luckier than most people in the world, and I acknowledge that. I guess I just have to put it in writing to get it out of my system and get a fresh perspective on it. But it's one of those days when I feel like the entire world is against me and I am all alone. And all I want to do is give up and lay down and die. I am tired of struggling. But I guess, if I feel pain, if I struggle, that means I am still alive. And that is a good thing.