hmm...
WARNING
The following journal entry consists of Lina using her LJ as a means to vent. It is not a fun recount of the days events or a kinky fun fanfic. It is also a very different kind of venting then that which I normally have.
Yup, that's right kiddies, Lina is LJing about romance.
What started as well meaning advice from many of my friends who I care about dearly has left a small nagging bother at the back of my mind. Something happened, a song or a scene on TV or something, I don't remember anymore, and I re-looked at people's reactions to my recent romantic endeavor. For some reason I have a lot of people offering caution at me. I know they care but it makes me feel like...
1. There is a general mentality of, Lina is an awesome friend but it's just not realistic to think someone very attractive, not fanboy creepy, and amazing would be romantically interested in her. Someone like him, who can have his pick, would never settle on Lina. Anyone I know, please take a minute and you will probably find you do feel that way. Just a bit. Hell, I've had the thought myself before. Still stings a bit to feel it in mass from those I care about.
2. Does everyone just forget that I am the most cynical person ever? For real, I feel like people don't even know me when they express deep concern that I may fall too fast. Yes, I've seen others do it. Did anyone miss my harsh, careless attitude about those matters? I thought it was obvious. I am jaded, cautious and bitter. I'm also not a hypocrite. I think it's unwise to jump into a relationship and emotional connections too fast. I guard my inner self with a triple-enforced-carbonite-plated-wall. That does not change because I show a moment of happiness that there is someone who I really like who wonderfully likes me too. So if I see one more older and wiser 'oh silly, foolish Lina' look I'm going to slap you. General masses consider yourselves warned.
For the fucking record I am NOT in love with him just cause I really like him. I am not looking up wedding plans because we have the most amazing chemistry. I'm not pitching my heart(s) in full force when he makes me smile like I'm a princess. I'm not going to be stupid even though he manages to make me feel amazing in a way no one has before. Yeah, that's right, he really does. Not just cause he's a new interest. Because he does. Because he is compatible with me like my closest friends are and on top of that we are mutually interested in each other.
He makes me happy. And unless he is some brilliant liar I make him happy too. Maybe, just fucking maybe this will work out. But don't anyone think for one damn second that I can't see that it could fall apart for whatever reason. Anything can just fall apart. However, plenty of things can come together and be healthy and strong.
Time for the full force bitter. You can skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear it. Let me reiterate to you all that my first boyfriend was a needy, self-destructive, person that tried to make me feel guilty about breaking up with him, which I had done months before, THE WEEK AFTER MY FATHER DIED. I fell in love and the person dropped me out of their life like I was trash. Which was also around this time- the hardest time of my life. Then I had a relationship that picked me up... until it dropped me. Until I could never do anything right and couldn't be forgiven for how I screwed up before, even after I busted my ass to change. I fucking loved her and she went out with someone new before she even broke it off with me. I know burn. I know things going sour. I know the pain of a broken and shattered heart. So don't EVER tell me you are fucking worried about me getting hurt. I know, ok. I know just how freaking wrong it can go.
I smile because if I didn't I'd be dead. I'd lay in bed, ill and lost in tears at the shit I've had to go through. I'd crawl up and just fucking die somewhere with memories no one should have playing through my head. Not because of the relationships I just mentioned. Those hardly make a dent compared to losing half my family I grew up with. More than half! Started at 7, now there are 3. Including myself. So when you see me looking giddy, it's because the day has been a good day and that is all that matters when yesterday is just fucked. I've lost so damn much. I'm sick of losing what I love. Why would I want to rush into loving someone else? I know the concern is because people care about me, but this is me explaining to everyone why I can't stand it. I don't say that I don't need advice because we are magic and in love and going to work out like a fairy tale. I say it because I know, already. There are few pains you could warn me about that I couldn't turn around and write a novel on.
I'm not so foolish, guys. I hate feeling like I'm seen that way just because I'm willing to be happy about the way things are progressing. Let me have my moment, ok? Stop worrying for me and be happy for me. This is the best my life has gone in years. I want to savor it before it goes away. Give me a break.
I know this is hard to believe, but I am finding out that he is just as amazed to have found me as I am to have found him. He has said and done really wonderful things for me and yes I can back them up if you are skeptical. Thank you to the few who have been really cool about all this. Cause not everyone's first response has been, 'be careful.' This wasn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings. I know the intent. Thank you. Just remember, I'm not some random girl. I'm a Lina. We are a fierce and different species. Give me 'Lina' advice not 'person' advice. If you don't know the difference then you don't know me that well. Which is also fine. Just how it is. I'm a fan of the truth. I don't take it personally. I'm not angry at anyone, I'm really not. I'm angry at the situation. But no more. Really. Back off.
The following journal entry consists of Lina using her LJ as a means to vent. It is not a fun recount of the days events or a kinky fun fanfic. It is also a very different kind of venting then that which I normally have.
Yup, that's right kiddies, Lina is LJing about romance.
What started as well meaning advice from many of my friends who I care about dearly has left a small nagging bother at the back of my mind. Something happened, a song or a scene on TV or something, I don't remember anymore, and I re-looked at people's reactions to my recent romantic endeavor. For some reason I have a lot of people offering caution at me. I know they care but it makes me feel like...
1. There is a general mentality of, Lina is an awesome friend but it's just not realistic to think someone very attractive, not fanboy creepy, and amazing would be romantically interested in her. Someone like him, who can have his pick, would never settle on Lina. Anyone I know, please take a minute and you will probably find you do feel that way. Just a bit. Hell, I've had the thought myself before. Still stings a bit to feel it in mass from those I care about.
2. Does everyone just forget that I am the most cynical person ever? For real, I feel like people don't even know me when they express deep concern that I may fall too fast. Yes, I've seen others do it. Did anyone miss my harsh, careless attitude about those matters? I thought it was obvious. I am jaded, cautious and bitter. I'm also not a hypocrite. I think it's unwise to jump into a relationship and emotional connections too fast. I guard my inner self with a triple-enforced-carbonite-plated-wall. That does not change because I show a moment of happiness that there is someone who I really like who wonderfully likes me too. So if I see one more older and wiser 'oh silly, foolish Lina' look I'm going to slap you. General masses consider yourselves warned.
For the fucking record I am NOT in love with him just cause I really like him. I am not looking up wedding plans because we have the most amazing chemistry. I'm not pitching my heart(s) in full force when he makes me smile like I'm a princess. I'm not going to be stupid even though he manages to make me feel amazing in a way no one has before. Yeah, that's right, he really does. Not just cause he's a new interest. Because he does. Because he is compatible with me like my closest friends are and on top of that we are mutually interested in each other.
He makes me happy. And unless he is some brilliant liar I make him happy too. Maybe, just fucking maybe this will work out. But don't anyone think for one damn second that I can't see that it could fall apart for whatever reason. Anything can just fall apart. However, plenty of things can come together and be healthy and strong.
Time for the full force bitter. You can skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear it. Let me reiterate to you all that my first boyfriend was a needy, self-destructive, person that tried to make me feel guilty about breaking up with him, which I had done months before, THE WEEK AFTER MY FATHER DIED. I fell in love and the person dropped me out of their life like I was trash. Which was also around this time- the hardest time of my life. Then I had a relationship that picked me up... until it dropped me. Until I could never do anything right and couldn't be forgiven for how I screwed up before, even after I busted my ass to change. I fucking loved her and she went out with someone new before she even broke it off with me. I know burn. I know things going sour. I know the pain of a broken and shattered heart. So don't EVER tell me you are fucking worried about me getting hurt. I know, ok. I know just how freaking wrong it can go.
I smile because if I didn't I'd be dead. I'd lay in bed, ill and lost in tears at the shit I've had to go through. I'd crawl up and just fucking die somewhere with memories no one should have playing through my head. Not because of the relationships I just mentioned. Those hardly make a dent compared to losing half my family I grew up with. More than half! Started at 7, now there are 3. Including myself. So when you see me looking giddy, it's because the day has been a good day and that is all that matters when yesterday is just fucked. I've lost so damn much. I'm sick of losing what I love. Why would I want to rush into loving someone else? I know the concern is because people care about me, but this is me explaining to everyone why I can't stand it. I don't say that I don't need advice because we are magic and in love and going to work out like a fairy tale. I say it because I know, already. There are few pains you could warn me about that I couldn't turn around and write a novel on.
I'm not so foolish, guys. I hate feeling like I'm seen that way just because I'm willing to be happy about the way things are progressing. Let me have my moment, ok? Stop worrying for me and be happy for me. This is the best my life has gone in years. I want to savor it before it goes away. Give me a break.
I know this is hard to believe, but I am finding out that he is just as amazed to have found me as I am to have found him. He has said and done really wonderful things for me and yes I can back them up if you are skeptical. Thank you to the few who have been really cool about all this. Cause not everyone's first response has been, 'be careful.' This wasn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings. I know the intent. Thank you. Just remember, I'm not some random girl. I'm a Lina. We are a fierce and different species. Give me 'Lina' advice not 'person' advice. If you don't know the difference then you don't know me that well. Which is also fine. Just how it is. I'm a fan of the truth. I don't take it personally. I'm not angry at anyone, I'm really not. I'm angry at the situation. But no more. Really. Back off.