hiatus?
Man, it's only been a month since my last post like this.
Well, it's been over four months since my last generally depressed entry. The last depressing one was about one specific topic, so I guess I am about due for another round of self-pity.
I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm pissing people off. I'm being moody. I'm being abrasive and occasionally abusive. I just... don't know.
I know why I'm feeling depressed this time around, though. I recently came to the realization that the only time I ever talk to people is when I make an effort to talk to people. No one ever calls me unless they need something simple and easy. RJ at least calls to arrange to meet so that we can talk. RJ aside, I only get calls with specific questions or requests. No one ever calls to see how I'm doing or just to say hi. I know I'm hard to get a hold of, but I don't even get voicemail or text messages that don't include a question or request.
For that matter, I can count on one hand the number of times someone has IMed me this month. Most of them are Orin bothering me about lines. I rarely get IMed, or texted, or E-mailed, or messaged in any way.
You might say, "but Robbie, you have one or two people who do. Be happy!" and you're right, I should be happy that I get that much attention. However, if you look at as a percentage... I literally consider a hundred people my friends. There are around a hundred people who would recognize me if they saw me, or readily recognize my voice. Throw in the other hundred or so people who are mutual friends online and it would appear that around 3% of people I know actually try to talk to me.
I honestly don't know why this upsets me. I should be happy to have what I do have. Despite what I tend to present to the world, I'm really humbled and feel blessed by my friends. I live for my friends, they are my reason for waking up in the morning. Without them, I don't know what I'd do...
What's wrong with me? Why am I acting like such a coward? Heh, I've even resorted to making people feel bad intentionally so that they'll pay more attention to me. I'm despicable.
I think I'll go on hiatus for a while. All I'm accomplishing right now is hurting people I love.
So yes, I'll be on hiatus for a while. I'll respond normally to my fellow Agents because we have skits and shows to plan, but other than that... I just need to think and figure a few things out.
I love you all. And I'm sorry, Steph. You've taken the brunt of my mood swings lately, and that isn't fair. Have a goodnight, everyone.
EDIT: You know what? FUCK THAT SHIT! I have not yet begun to fight! I refuse to run away on the pretext of "sorting things out." This is a warning to everyone: If you think I was clingy and hard to get rid of before, you ain't seen nothing yet. This is the real, authentic Robbie, and I'll not fade into the darkness. I'll spread my wings and fly instead! ^_^