sorry slee, a little less happy this time
today, with all the boring shit i had to sit through, i got to thinking. and it didn't totally settle in until on the marching feild and when i saw buckley afterwards. i really do miss a lot of people i cut out of my life, or that are gone. and as terrible as it is, i thought of other guys that i dated or at one point felt like dating. i never really felt bad for it though, i mean with travo and all. i didn't care, the fact of it maybe being a bad thing never entered my head. oh well, i guess its to be expected. ive never dated a person this long. the only other person i dated this long was justin and he was a few days short. no one else made it past a month. its a little depressing how much i don't trust anyone and how much, not matter what i do, i can't get close to anyone or let them get to know me.i guess thats why no one person lasts too long with me. i open up certain sections of my life to different individuals only because sometimes i need to talk. ive told so many people so many different lies about who i am and what ive done that i don't really know the whole truth. when i have time to think about what ive done and what ive never owned up to i get upset and feel like crying. when i think of all the people i hold to totally different standards than myself, i feel like shit. and i wish i could go into detail, but like i said no one will really know. and im sorry for that. and i wish i could tell people to their faces that i hate them and they need to back the fuck off, but i can't. everything they do, i have done. theres this one girl, kompee knows who, whos been all the fuck over travo and me. travo and susan time out side one of our houses has become travo, susan, and [person]. bugs the shit out of me. im tired of it, but i can't tell [them]. a: [they've] been there longer and b: i have no right. the thought of getting rid of [them] all together has entered my mind countless times but i have too much to do to devote my time to alter friendships. but i promise you this, if [they] sit on the bus with us and continue to bring up topics i can't talk about, i will kill them. swear to god, i talk about secrets. you'll be my very next one. i really don't mean to sound like a full on bitch, but its bothered me more and more as summer band has gone on. and there was the conversation [they] had the balls to have with me telling me that i wouldn't be happy with travo. i havn't forgot it, nor will i ever. that was some out of the blue ranting. i was offered drugs one of my classes today.