whew
I don't think there has been a time in my life where i have felt this unsure of myself, this out of my element and this confused.
Questions i have been too afraid to answer, let alone really ask myself.
what is the meaning in my life
where am i going?
am i connected to who i should be or am i floating
do i do things because i think they should be done or because they work with my life path and my ambitions
what are my ambitions
who am i
who should i be with?
am i with jeff because he's safe or because we are connected on a deeper level
why did i get engaged?
why am i working for someone else and not for myself
why am i going to school
what do i want to get out of it
am i full of shit, can i really do these things, or am i an egomaniac to think that i will do well regardless of what it is i'm doing
can i ever find happiness in my life?
will i ever stop searching
will my soul ever be happy and content or will i always be wanting more
should i scrap everything and start from scratch or am i on the right path
can i accept and work with my inner mind
will my creativity be sated
will i be able to be a woman
will i be able to stop being the man. in control
there are so many. one hour of my life with someone asking me these questions and a lot of them i couldn't answer. very unsettling.
jeff. why do i talk about him as if he is a beanie baby?
will we stay together
will we be connected at that deeper level or is it a marriage of convenience?
i feel ill.
and yet, as this day progresses i have more conviction than before
i want to be with jeff. i want to connect with him deeply. i think we have amazing potential. i think he can be the man. i think i can be the woman.
we can do this
i can do this
we can find ourselves by ourselves and with each other.
i want to make this work
i want to be able to come against life and the questions it holds and find my own path. one that is carved for me. destined for me
i don't want to play nice nice and die without living. i want to live fully, passionately and find that connection with jeff and with myself.
i feel like i'm going to collapse. i feel faint and nauseous.
i want to feel connected to my body and not feel like it's a force to be reckoned with. to bargain with. a constant drain on my self esteem and an interference with my daily actions.
i want to feel my body without concentrating on the bad parts, the parts i want to whittle away like i want to whittle away parts of my soul. my rolls should be signs of being loved and well fed, not items to be hated and ridiculed for their existence. i am a strong person. i need to be a strong person.
i will survive. i am a survivor. i do not whine. i get going when the going's tough and i triumph.
i need to triumph
i will rise with skinned knees, dirt in my hair and a smile on my face.
Questions i have been too afraid to answer, let alone really ask myself.
what is the meaning in my life
where am i going?
am i connected to who i should be or am i floating
do i do things because i think they should be done or because they work with my life path and my ambitions
what are my ambitions
who am i
who should i be with?
am i with jeff because he's safe or because we are connected on a deeper level
why did i get engaged?
why am i working for someone else and not for myself
why am i going to school
what do i want to get out of it
am i full of shit, can i really do these things, or am i an egomaniac to think that i will do well regardless of what it is i'm doing
can i ever find happiness in my life?
will i ever stop searching
will my soul ever be happy and content or will i always be wanting more
should i scrap everything and start from scratch or am i on the right path
can i accept and work with my inner mind
will my creativity be sated
will i be able to be a woman
will i be able to stop being the man. in control
there are so many. one hour of my life with someone asking me these questions and a lot of them i couldn't answer. very unsettling.
jeff. why do i talk about him as if he is a beanie baby?
will we stay together
will we be connected at that deeper level or is it a marriage of convenience?
i feel ill.
and yet, as this day progresses i have more conviction than before
i want to be with jeff. i want to connect with him deeply. i think we have amazing potential. i think he can be the man. i think i can be the woman.
we can do this
i can do this
we can find ourselves by ourselves and with each other.
i want to make this work
i want to be able to come against life and the questions it holds and find my own path. one that is carved for me. destined for me
i don't want to play nice nice and die without living. i want to live fully, passionately and find that connection with jeff and with myself.
i feel like i'm going to collapse. i feel faint and nauseous.
i want to feel connected to my body and not feel like it's a force to be reckoned with. to bargain with. a constant drain on my self esteem and an interference with my daily actions.
i want to feel my body without concentrating on the bad parts, the parts i want to whittle away like i want to whittle away parts of my soul. my rolls should be signs of being loved and well fed, not items to be hated and ridiculed for their existence. i am a strong person. i need to be a strong person.
i will survive. i am a survivor. i do not whine. i get going when the going's tough and i triumph.
i need to triumph
i will rise with skinned knees, dirt in my hair and a smile on my face.