A big long boring rant!
:\ Holy crap. I was a big loser. Really. My GOD. I do hope no one actually read this thing, or read some of those old entries that I have now rid the general public of.
Though it's quite interesting, to see that I have changed. Grown up? Matured? Learned and evolved and stuff? I don't know, but I've certainly changed.
And I do believe that I can pinpoint it. I can place it on my friends. Like I said before, it may just be a change in who I want to impress, or what I want people to think, but I doubt that. Something tells me that I am a better.. well, maybe not better, but less... foolish? Meh. Different. I'm a different person than before, and I like the change, as far as it went. I mean, I'm not totally evolved... but the friends I hang out with now aren't so much.. shopping, boys, gossip, clothes, gossip, sports, gossip. Of course, they weren't before. I mean, those I hung out with weren't quite Spoons, but they were.. mainstream, more stereotypical girls. I guess I didn't quite feel comfortable with some of them? Cause now I can hang out with people and just feel.. okay. Accepted. Not like I have to impress or fit their ideals. Now it's like.. my friends appreciate that I'm different. I'm not bashing my more popular friends here, and that's not to say that they're unaccepting, but I just couldn't.. be as wierd as I should like to, or say random crazy things. I like them fine, but I'm more relaxed with my current friends.
So now I'm not being like a silly little freshman. I'm not posting about boys and sports and clothes. Is this just because my friends don't give a damn about that? Because they would rather hear about introspection and self-doubt and philosophy or whatever? I don't know. It bothers me, yeah, that I'm probably just a melange of what I think people want in me, but what can I do about it? I can't go off alone and make myself into a particular person because... I don't know how to do that. All my life I've had people to base myself from. I've been able to go with their decisions, do the things that I think they would like, say what they might want to hear, and that makes me me. I can't decide for myself what to do, or what movie to rent, because I want to accomadate others in my decision.
So, that raises another question, am I actually basing myself off of others, or do I simple want to make them happy, want to not insult them, or rub them the wrong way, or interfere? That's how I generally see it, but is that just something I say, yet another thing I make myself beleive, or is it my instinct telling me so, and I'm inventing complicated reasons? Am I actually just pieces of other people, or am I simply trying to please and be as unobtrusive as possible?
It always comes down to this, I end up posing myself questions that I've repeated a dozen times before, and all this typing, all this thinking, all this self-debate; it all leads nowhere. I still don't know. Maybe it'll come to me when I'm older. Maybe I just need to pass some time with no one. No family, no friends. No one to impress, no one to base things from. Do things for myself, and only myself.
But I'm just not willing to do that. I don't want to cut myself off from everyone.
Reajrkwsjdklfnsmlk! I'm just going insane. Don't mind me.
Oh, here, I've added this, a few minutes later.
And also, one must consider that I only think of certain people at certain times. I only seek to impress a few people, and then later realise "Oh shit.. these other people witnessed that too, what did they think?" So is it the few people I'm trying to impress, or myself? Because sometimes I may do something, and then look back and wonder what EVERYONE thought of that. And then I'm doing it for me, being me, but it's rare. And why the hell should I even care what someone else makes of my actions? Because I aim to please them. I want to ingratiate myself. I want to seem like someone they might like. If I aim to please a certain person, and not everyone is pleased by that same thing, than what do I do? I worry about how that struck them. How they may have taken it. i worry that they won't like me. Why the HELL do I need everyone to like me? What makes me this way? I'm tempted to rebel, to make people DISlike me. But oooh no. I won't. I couldn't possibly have people hating me. Why not? Is it simply not in my nature? But why IS my nature that way then? Why do I have to always please? It really is unthinkable for me to have someone angry or hateful toward me. That hurts me most of all. And I can't understand others doing things to make people mad. I can't understand being obtrusive, interfereing. Why?
Blah. More stupid questions without answers. Man I need to grow up. I'd rant about my fear of that, but I've gone too far already. That's a pointless rant for another time, when it's not twenty-after-one in the morning.
Done now, maybe.