(no subject)
When ever I feel like posting here it's always about something bad or upsetting, and usually I stop myself cause no one would want to read about vague unrest, but I really just need to get somethings off my chest and out there. So here is goes, read if you want but you really don't have to.
It's so hard to not feel like my life is slowly spinning out of control these days. This sense of knowing that something is falling apart with out any way to stop it. Like I'm speeding down a rickety hill on a dirt bike held together by duct tape and I have realized far too late that the duct tape has almost come loose. I try to stay calm, but inside I'm scared and screaming.
Those lies that I keep telling myself, the ones that go " everything is going to be fine" "I'll get though this" "change is a good thing," they sound more and more hallow each day. I fight, I'm fighting so hard not to just turn away and close off, go back to the safe place inside myself, where it's cold and lonely but the constant uncertainty and lack of a stable ground are gone. I push myself so hard not to fall onto other things that are just as dangerous, things that I feel I can control but in the end I know will just control me. In that I have been successful, though the thoughts of such are still there, talking in comforting tones and promising warmth and safety.
When was it that I sold my soul to the ground and lost the ability to fly. " It has to be that way" I tell myself " everyone does at some point, it's time that you do as well" the innocence striped away and only the adult is left. My wings are gone though I still feel them hurting, cramped, wanting to stretch, but I know they are gone and only the ghost limbs are there.
Empty, I sit here, starting at the cards I hold, afraid to fold any of them, hoping that I have a reason to keep them in my hand. But the clock is ticking, and I'm just wasting my time hoping for things that will never be nor have ever been. A pair of two's still can only beat no cards at all in this game, but when faced will all aces I always lose. It's a tired saying... the deck is stacked against me, but with each new set I draw I end up the same.The room slowly slips into the nightmare and then it begins anew.
" But others have no cards.... other have it so much worse" something in my mind tells me, and I feel the shame " you have some much, and you are still unhappy.... you sill hear the echo of hollowness of being empty." I don't want to move from fear of breaking these egg shells I walk on, so I'll just stand here balanced on my toes watching these feather fall with the fear that they may make me fall.
It's so hard to not feel like my life is slowly spinning out of control these days. This sense of knowing that something is falling apart with out any way to stop it. Like I'm speeding down a rickety hill on a dirt bike held together by duct tape and I have realized far too late that the duct tape has almost come loose. I try to stay calm, but inside I'm scared and screaming.
Those lies that I keep telling myself, the ones that go " everything is going to be fine" "I'll get though this" "change is a good thing," they sound more and more hallow each day. I fight, I'm fighting so hard not to just turn away and close off, go back to the safe place inside myself, where it's cold and lonely but the constant uncertainty and lack of a stable ground are gone. I push myself so hard not to fall onto other things that are just as dangerous, things that I feel I can control but in the end I know will just control me. In that I have been successful, though the thoughts of such are still there, talking in comforting tones and promising warmth and safety.
When was it that I sold my soul to the ground and lost the ability to fly. " It has to be that way" I tell myself " everyone does at some point, it's time that you do as well" the innocence striped away and only the adult is left. My wings are gone though I still feel them hurting, cramped, wanting to stretch, but I know they are gone and only the ghost limbs are there.
Empty, I sit here, starting at the cards I hold, afraid to fold any of them, hoping that I have a reason to keep them in my hand. But the clock is ticking, and I'm just wasting my time hoping for things that will never be nor have ever been. A pair of two's still can only beat no cards at all in this game, but when faced will all aces I always lose. It's a tired saying... the deck is stacked against me, but with each new set I draw I end up the same.The room slowly slips into the nightmare and then it begins anew.
" But others have no cards.... other have it so much worse" something in my mind tells me, and I feel the shame " you have some much, and you are still unhappy.... you sill hear the echo of hollowness of being empty." I don't want to move from fear of breaking these egg shells I walk on, so I'll just stand here balanced on my toes watching these feather fall with the fear that they may make me fall.